02x06 - Error of Admission

[bunniefuu]

Okay. I'm almost done with
my college application.

Arthur, I still need
your recommendation.

Got it right here.
Fresh off the typewriter.

You just keep coming
up with creative ways

to say "I'm old."

Um, thank you, but how the hell

am I supposed to attach
this to my application?

Uh, stapler.

It's electronic.

E-stapler?

RANDY: All right.

Give me that.

(computer chimes)

Wow, look at that, you got my letter!

It's like watching a monkey discover

a cucumber can't be
peeled like a banana.

Franco, where are you applying?

Uh, a bunch of schools around the city.

But my dream is Dearborn College.

They got this amazing art program.

RANDY: Oh, yeah.

That is a great school.

Very artsy.

The only play the football team
knows is Death of a Salesman.

Yeah, but it's not easy to get into.

Hey, you better make sure you
proofread that application.

I did.

Really?

Oh, you made a mistake right here.

You forgot to check the
box for African-American.

No, I didn't. I'm not checking it.

Why not?

RANDY: Yeah.

Colleges like people from
different backgrounds.

Why not use that to your advantage?

Well, I never really
thought being black and poor

as an advantage, although,

I do get extra attention
when I walk into a store.

They are just trying to
level the playing field.

Yeah.

Affirmative action.
I know what it is. If I get in,

it'll be because of my test
scores and my portfolio.

I want to be seen as an artist,
not a black artist.

Good for you. I feel the same way.

No handouts.

When my older son applied to college,

I wouldn't let him identify
as anything but American.

Remind me, Fawz, what was his name?

Abdullah Farooq Hussein Al-Shahrani.

Look, they're just trying
to make the system fairer.

Look, I got nothing
against those programs,

but they're just not for me. All right?

I don't want people thinking
I don't deserve to be there.

Or looking at me like, "Oh,
that's how he got in."

Well, if they were looking at you,
it means you got in.

I'm not doing it, all right?
So, listen, I got to bounce.

If you're gonna proof that, send it in.

I got to get my portfolio ready.

I'm grabbing a picture
of one of my paintings.

Is it in your apartment?

Nah. It's on the side of an L

that should be pulling up at
Argyle station in about...

ooh, three minutes.

I should go, too.

So, defacing public property
gets you into college.

Will I get a PhD if I pee on a bus?

Franco's lucky.

He knows which box to check.

I'd have no idea.

I thought you were Polish.

My parents are Polish. I'm adopted.

- Really?
- Yeah.

I've always been so
curious about my heritage.

I always wanted to feel like
I'm a part of something.

I mean,

am I ruggedly handsome
because I'm Swedish?

Am I sophisticated because I'm French?

Is he delusional because
he was hit by a shovel?

You know, Tush, they have a DNA test

that can tell you your ethnic makeup.

Joanie made me do one of those.

I wasted bucks to
find out I'm Jewish.

Oh, the irony.

I just won $ on a scratcher.

The smart investor would
buy more scratchers.

But I want to find out who I am.

Me, too.

Even though I'm sure I'm % Italian.

It's like my umbilical cord
was a string of fettuccine.

(laughs)

(grunts)

Did he make a mistake?

No, same as before.

He didn't put an X next to
"African-American."

Yeah, well,
he didn't want to check that box.

Yeah, well,
he doesn't know what he's talking about.

He'll never find out.

How's that work?

Well, if he gets in,
he'll be happy and it won't matter.

It definitely won't matter
if he doesn't get in.

So, uh, submit. (chuckles)

Submit.

Why won't it submit?

You just hit "return."

Why? I don't want it to return,
I want it to go.

(groans)

Why do they call it a laptop?
It's always on a counter.

Arthur, unless you're practicing
your stand-up, you got to stop.

♪ ♪

Bup. Randy.

My DNA results are in.

The mystery has been cracked.

The genealogy is out of the bottle.

So what are you, Tush?

I'm everything.
Russian, French, Italian.

Basically all of your salad dressings.

Also, Indian, both kinds.

And, Arthur, I'm four percent Jewish.

Mazel.

And four percent Palestinian,

which explains my inner turmoil.

Any African?

Ha, ha!

Five percent, my brother.

(grunts)

You got to be at least ten
percent to learn the handshake.

Sorry, bro, I don't make the rules.

(Franco screams)

Wow. Did the nail salon
start doing bikini waxes?

Oh!

(giggles)

I just got accepted at Dearborn College!

(others cheer)

- Wow!
- (laughs)

Dope, man.

Yeah, man!

(laughing)

All right.

Thank you, thank you.

Ah, Franco, that's fantastic.

Thank you, man. Yo, all that
hard work and studying paid off.

Man, thank you for the help.

Well, I wouldn't stay up
after : for just anybody.

Oh, wait a minute.

I got a bottle of
champagne in the fridge.

Uh, Arthur, it's : in the morning.

Well, we'll just put
some orange juice in it.

Yeah, put some...

I am really happy for Franco.

He worked so hard for this.

I told you.
Box checked, he's none the wiser.

No harm, no foul.

Arthur, this is covered with dust.

How old is it?

It was part of my Y K survival kit.

The sardines kept.

Let's see about the champagne.

Yo, that's amazing!

I feel like I got into college, too.

When we move into the dorms,
make sure we get a coed one.

Hey, guys, what's going on?

I-I got into Dearborn, my dream school.

Oh, my God, that's great!

I know. I-I can't believe it.

I-I mean, Dearborn. My-my dream school.

Yeah. It's unbelievable.

Dearborn. His dream school.

I get it.

You're worried it's
gonna be too electric.

It will be if I use my Taser.

TUSH: Franco,

what else did the e-mail say?

- When do you start?
- FRANCO: I don't know.

But it says I've been invited
to a reception tomorrow night

for something called the
Bridges to the Future program.

Oh, cool. I was
in the Bridges to Tomorrow program.

- What's that?
- It's what they call the inclusivity program

at the University of Wisconsin.
Go Badgers!

Oh.

Now, what's an inclusivity program?

Because I think I'm gonna hate it.

It used to be called "diversity."

Ah, yes. I hate it.

FRANCO: Yeah.

It says "to introduce
non-traditional students

to the challenges of university life."

What's "non-traditional" mean?

Well, for you, it means "black."

How would they know that?

Who wants champagne?

(chuckles)

Boop!

This is weird.
I don't remember checking the box.

Well, the point is you got in.

Yeah, but not the way I wanted to.
You know what?

I'm-a call the admissions
office real quick

and straighten this out.

Oh, you hear that, Arthur?

He's gonna call the admissions office

and straighten this out.

Now, that's how we gonna
be drinking in college.

Franco's gonna find
out I checked that box.

What am I gonna do?

You got to go down there

and ask them to take
him out of the program.

That's a great idea.

Tell Franco I had to run out.

Say there was a sale on custard g*ns...

uh, or make something up.

I don't know how I'm gonna
top that custard g*n story.

By the way, mi hija.

Mis DNA resultos are muy interesante.

What is happening?

Turns out, I'm a combination
of muchos ethnic backgrounds.

African, Irish, Middle Eastern.

In the future,
we're all gonna look like me.

The future looks bleak.

I also have some Spanish in me.

Poquito amount. Tres percente.

That means "three percent."

Hope you're ready to have people ask you

where to find the best Mexican food.

Ugh, white people.

By the way, where do you get
the best Mexican food?

Did you say you were part African?

- Yeah.
- I bet Sweatpants

would love to hear more about that.

- Really? Okay.
- Mm-hmm.

I'll fill you in after Sofia
and I are done sharing...

Adios, mi hija.

All right. I left a voice mail
for the admissions office.

All right. I got my DNA results.

- And?
- Hundred percent Italian.

But here's the crazy part.

A distant cousin in
Italy tracked me down

and sent me an e-mail.

What'd it say, paisano?

I belong to a royal family
that ruled over Seborga.

I'm eighth in line to the throne,

so if seven people die years ago,

I'm a queen.

Oh, I have an Italian question for you.

How does Pizza Hut get the
cheese inside the crust?

Tush, did you tell these guys
that you're part African?

Oh, yeah.

Guys, we might be related.

FRANCO and SWEATPANTS: No, we're not.

So you're saying Mr. Wicks made
a mistake on his application?

Well, I did.

I was proofreading his application,

and I accidentally checked the,
uh, African-American box.

And you're his... father?

(chuckles): No, no.

He sort of my, uh, partner.

Really?

Okay, we'll check that box, then.

Oh, no, no, no. No.

I'm here to make sure we
check no boxes at all.

I mean, uh,
if you would just change your records.

Franco Wicks is not black.

Well, good for him.

I mean, good for being honest,
not for being not black.

You know what,
maybe I should start recording this.

Uh...

It is amazing what you can
get in trouble for these days.

(knock on door)

Hey, man, sorry for barging in,
but no one was at reception.

There's been a misunderstand...

Arthur?

Oh, hi, Franco.

What are you doing here?

MATHERS: This is Franco?

Franco Wicks? But you said
he's not African-American.

Oh, I'm not.
I mean, I-I don't want to be.

Ah, I mean, I don't want to be for you.

Ah, okay.
This is feeling a little actionable.

Do you mind if I document
this with a couple of photos?

You checked the box?

I know. I'm sorry. But Mr. Mathers

is gonna straighten the whole thing out.

No, no, no, no. I did not say that.

I did not say that.

Um...

I cannot change something
in the application.

I mean, what's done is done.

It's there in black and white...
I mean, obviously not you two.

Obviously not you two. Okay.

Let me just grab one more photo.

Why'd you do that?

It's a little blurry,
but it'll hold up in court.

I was just trying to help.

I thought I was doing you a favor.

Because you thought I
couldn't get in on my own.

No. Because these schools
are very hard to get into.

And it's stupid not to
take every advantage.

Okay, but that's my decision, not yours.

I told you...

I told you I wanted to get
in based on my talents.

And now I'll never know.

No, you got into your dream school.

It doesn't matter.

'Cause I'm not going.

(door closes)

I'm sorry, just for the record,

did we decide he's not black?

Fawz, I've been doing a little research,

and some of my Arabic
roots go back to Iraq.

We could be related.

(chuckles) I don't think so.

- Why not?
- Well, because

for generations,
my family would cast off the weak.

They would leave them on
the side of the mountain

and let the wolves take care of it.

In the beginning, they couldn't
sleep because of the screaming,

but eventually they
couldn't sleep without it.

Does that to-go order
have the full dozen?

Yeah. If you don't believe me,
you can just check the box.

'Cause I know you like doing that.

Franco, I'm sorry...

I've apologized over a hundred times.

I don't know what to do.

What happened?

Arthur checked the
"African-American" box

on Franco's application,

and now he's turning Dearborn down.

What?

Why would he blow a chance like this?

Sofia, maybe you can
get through to him, huh?

Why me?

Well, you did
one of those ethnic-inclusive

affirmative International
House of Pancakes thingies.

I don't know why he won't listen to you.

You're so knowledgeable.

Arthur, you cannot
push this off on Sofia.

Well, he doesn't want to listen to me,
so you talk to him.

Fine.

Sofia, you talk to him.

So, I hear you're not going to Dearborn.

No. No, it's cool.

I'm gonna go to some
other school I applied to.

I got a lot of options.

But you have this great opportunity.

Wh-Why turn that down?

Look, I'm not trying
to go to some school

where people look at me and think

the only reason I got in is
'cause I'm black.

I hate to break it to you,
but some people are gonna

think that no matter what.

What, I'm supposed to be okay with that?

You can't control what people think.

Like when I go to Target,

there's always some idiot
who thinks I work there.

You were wearing a red shirt!

It's like you were
trying to confuse people!

Franco, you know
you deserve to be there.

Yeah, I know. I worked my ass off.

But I ain't trying to be some mascot

who's just there to make people
feel good about themselves.

Franco, this is bigger than you.

Think about the high school
kids who visit Dearborn

and see people of color and think,

"Maybe I belong here, too."

What, so I'm doing this for them?

Yes.

Franco, isn't there
that reception tonight?

Maybe you should just
go and check it out.

And what's the point?

Well, talk to people that
have done the program.

Make an informed decision.

What do you have to lose?

I don't know.

ARTHUR: Maybe Sofia will go with you.

Sure, if Arthur pays for dinner after.

No booze, no tip.

So, uh, is this, like, a date?

- Yeah.
- No.

No.

Franco, quick culture question:

Who is The Man, and how do I
stop him from keeping me down?

Look, Tush,

I don't have time to be black
with you right now. Move.

Tush, I am interested
in your DNA results.

Specifically, when are you
gonna stop talking about them?

Oh. Sorry, guys.

I didn't mean to be such a bother.

I guess I'm three
percent Pacific Islander

and, uh, about % annoying.

Poor Tush.

He just wants to connect to people.

And we can't even pretend
to be happy for him.

I know, and faking emotion is,
like, one of my strengths.

And this is so exciting for him.

I mean,
it's not as exciting as finding out

that you're a queen.

You're not a queen. (scoffs)

If you had said that years ago,

I'd have had you k*lled.

_

Okay, here we go.

Yeah, well,
we're only staying a couple minutes,

and then we're having
some dinner on Arthur.

Well, you better hit up
those mini quiches,

'cause he only gave us ten bucks.

Yep, just what I expected.

Uptight black dudes... check.

Asian folks only talking
to each other... check.

Latino dude in a serape.

Relax.

BOTH: We get it.

(chuckles) Ooh, check that out.

A Native American
lesbian in a weird hat.

A lez in a fez off the rez?

It's like a diversity Dr. Seuss.

Oh, shrimp!

I don't want to take too many.

- That would be shellfish. (laughs)
- Oh!

'Cause of the...

Seafood in a shell. I get it.

- I'm Donna.
- I'm Franco.

This is Sofia.

Hi. Are you two a couple?

What? No.

We just, we work near each other.

I mean, that's hilarious though.

But no.

You could have just said no.

Have you guys tried this cocktail sauce?

It's a little spicy.

Either that or I'm having a hot flash.

So, do you...
do you work for the school?

No, I just got admitted.

I'm one of the "Bridges to the Future."

I'm also a bridge to those cupcakes.

That's weird.

Why would she be in
the diversity program?

I don't know. But you know what?

Just 'cause she looked white,

- it doesn't mean...
- Right.

Ooh, rosé! That's fun.

SOFIA and FRANCO: She's white.

All right. Hello, everyone.

Dearborn College is honored
to welcome all of you.

This program is here to
support you older students

who have been out of
the educational system

for at least five years.

So grab a drink,

and later we'll enjoy
the chamber orchestra

and two students from our
Modern Dance department.

So... we'll see what that looks like.

Oh, my God.

This program isn't for black people,

it's for old people.

(both laugh)

I'm old!

Donna, we are old!

So old!

(laughs)

Franco Wicks.

I'm, uh,
kind of surprised to see you here

after the outburst the other day.

I'm sorry, man, but, look,
I-I thought I got admitted

- because I'm black.
- No, no.

I looked up your file after you left,

and you had a very impressive portfolio.

But what actually sealed the deal

was the recommendation from your boss.

- Arthur?
- Yeah, yeah.

His story of your
pluck and determination

to overcome your obstacles, it was...
it was quite moving.

Yeah, man,
he's kind of obsessed with my pluck.

(chuckles)

So, that's why you're here.

Plus, you're black.

No, I'm kidding, I'm kidding. (laughs)

No, that is not what this is about.

But while I have the two of you,
this feels like a photo op.

Donna, Chief Inez, picture time.

Here we go.

All right.

Everybody say "brochure"!

ALL: Brochure!

- Hey, Arthur.
- Hey, Tush.

I got your text.
It took me a while to read it

'cause I set my phone to Portuguese.

I just wanted
to give you something, Tush.

(clears throat) Hanukkah's coming up.

Thought you might want to
light the menorah with me.

And I'll teach you a couple of
"Baruch Atah Adonai."

Arthur, I would like that.

It would give me such naches.

Look at this punim!

Pulling that Yiddish out of his tuchas.

And because you're such a paisan,

I brought you some spaghetti sauce

made from my grandmother's recipe.

She would've loved that Italian in you,

and had some colorful things
to say about the other %.

And I bring you a basketball,

autographed by the
Iraqi national team.

Wow, cool. How'd you get the signatures?

Uh, they work at the auto
body shop on the corner.

When they didn't do so
great in the Olympics,

they thought it best to flee.

You know, we just wanted you to know

that you are a part of something.

You're a part of us.

Oh, I'm touched.

Oh, thank you.

Shalom.

Grazie.

And I think this guy fixed my brakes.

Guess who decided to go to Dearborn.

- Hey!
- Hey!

Yeah, man. It turns out Bridges
to the Future is a program

for older students;
helps them keep their jobs

and go to school at the same time.

- That is great news, Franco.
- Yeah.

I got in just for being me,

and not because you checked some box.

- I know, I shouldn't have done that. I...
- No, no, no.

You helped a lot.

Mathers said you gave me
a great recommendation.

What'd you write?

Oh, well, I just told him
how much I respect you,

and how hard you've been working,
and, uh,

I might have mentioned
something about your pluck.

- I knew you dropped the "P" b*mb!
- (laughs)

Thank you, thank you, thank you so much

for pushing me to do
this whole college thing.

I just wanted to see you succeed.

I mean,
you've been working so hard at it.

Oh, speaking of hard work,
Tush, we got you Roots.

Oh... I love it. Thanks, guys.

- Hey.
- No.

You're ready.

(grunting)

- Come here.
- (laughing)

Yeah. Yeah.

Oh.

Five percent, suckers!

- We up in here now!
- No...

Yo, a lot of
interesting classes at Dearborn.

Oh, what's this?

"Visions of International Womanhood."

Damn, that sound
like a Luther Vandross album.

It's probably about the history
of intersectional feminism

as it relates to
shifting gender dynamics.

Wow. That's way less hot
than I thought it'd be.

You know, Sofia, we, uh,
never got to have that dinner

that Arthur was gonna pay for.

Oh, you're right.

We should do something about that.

Yeah?

Yeah.

Could you give this back to Arthur?

Cool.

She'll be back.

Will she?