02x07 - Homeless for the Holidays

[bunniefuu]

Hey, Arthur,
this is just Christmas stuff.

I thought you were gonna
get Hanukkah decorations.

Nah, it's too expensive.

I'd rather convert. (laughs)

(laughter)

Only I can make that joke.

Um, excuse me,
I don't see any Kwanzaa decorations.

I'd be happy to celebrate Kwanzaa.

What should I put up?

(laughing): Oh,
what should you put up for Kwanzaa?

Everybody know you put
up the Kwanzaa tree.

And I-I think there's a ham.

You have absolutely no
idea what Kwanzaa is.

No, but I am sick and tired
of whatever it is

not being represented.

My family doesn't celebrate Christmas.

We just refer to it as the time of year

when people get mad
about Starbucks cups.

I'm all about Christmas this year.

I got a job as Santa passing
out flyers at a bike shop.

Hmm, got a gig playing the big guy, huh?

Well, you're looking
at years experience

slinging them bells.

If you want,
I can give you some Santa pointers,

take you under my wing.

When's the last time you
washed under that wing?

Lesson number one:

Let single moms cut to
the front of the line,

but don't let them spend the night.

There's only so much magic in that suit.

Hey. Hey, what's Pink Panther doing?

- Who's that?
- He's the homeless guy

that camps out over at the "L".

He wears this old, pink hat

that he got at the Women's March,

so we call him Pink Panther.

This is weird.

He had a nice setup over
this warm vent at McDonald's.

I get him french fries every time I go.

Then we talk about how
much the Bulls suck.

I wonder why he moved.

The Uptown Business Council.

We got the police to move
all of the homeless people

off the streets for the holidays.

You're welcome.

What is wrong with you?

That's a human being, man.

You can't... It's freezing outside.

Hey. W-Why don't you come in, man?

Yeah, come in. Warm up.

I'll buy you a cup of coffee.

- Really?
- Yeah.

After all, it's Kwanzaa.

What is that again?

I don't know. Um...

But come in, man.
Here. Pop a squat.

I'll get you a donut.

I probably shouldn't.

What? Nonsense. Man, here. Take some.

Take as many as you want, man.
There you go.

Oh, what the hell
is Pink Panther doing here?

How many times do I have to tell you?

Don't let the homeless in here.

Well, he ain't bothering nobody.

I got to run a business here.

It's just one dude.

Until he tells his buddies.
Then the place is swarming

with people looking for free food.

That's called the domino effect.

Because it happened at the
Domino's around the corner.

No.

The homeless thing is very complicated.

We used to pick them up
when we were on patrol,

drop them off at the shelter.

Next night they'd be
back out on the street.

Breaks my heart.

Yeah, me, too.

Part of me wants to be a decent
human being and give them food

and the other part of me
wants to be like Arthur.

When did "decent human being"

become the opposite of Arthur?

Well, I'm down for helping
the homeless, Franco.

'Cause without me,
you would be homeless?

Maybe my Santa career will take off

and I won't have to sleep on
your beanbag chair anymore.

Maybe you have to sleep
on his beanbag chair

because you say things like,

"Maybe my Santa career will take off."

It's almost Christmas, all right?

Would it k*ll us to show this dude

a little bit of kindness?

Hey, man.

How about a cup of coffee?

He fell asleep.

Look, in the spirit of Christmas,

I'm gonna skip the I-told-you-so

and jump right to get
him the hell out of here.

All right.

Hey, man. Yo!

Hey!

(screams)

(screams)

I can't find a pulse.

Arthur, call .

FRANCO: All right, well,
what-what should we do?

Maybe put him outside as
an example to the others?

What? I thought we were brainstorming.

♪ ♪

I've never seen a dead body
without b*llet holes before.

It's unnatural.

Yeah.

It's not exactly a barrel of laughs,

except the time I found
that dead clown in a barrel.

Man, can't believe a dude
d*ed right here in the store.

No, no, no, no!

From deliciousness!

It...

We got a rule here, kid.

Nobody talks about people
who die in the shop.

What? Why is that a rule?

Yeah. How often does this happen?

We knew nothing about the guy.

Like, did he, did he have a family?

Is there anybody we can contact?

Let's look in his bag.

Let's see. Shirts...

one sneaker...

a copy of The -Hour Workweek.

Wow. He got it down to zero.

I found a student ID.

From Chicago State, John Dixon.

Class of ' .

RANDY: Look, a passport.

Yogurtland punch card.

Tragic.

He was one stamp away from a free cone.

John Dixon, I will fulfill your destiny.

Man, this dude led a full
life we knew nothing about.

School, travel.

And this is how it ends?

He deserves something
more dignified, guys.

You know something?

We-we should have a service for him.

You know? Celebrate his life.

I don't know.
You know, I-I got a lot to do.

It's my annual Christmas party.

For the first time and
you're all invited.

I've got a lot of work to do, too.

Someone complained that my
gingerbread men were too sexist,

so now I have to go home and
castrate a hundred cookies.

Look, uh, I think John would
want us all to just move on.

- And how do you know that?
- I don't. I just want to move on.

But we can't move on, man.

You don't know what it's like
to have people walk by you

- like you don't exist.
- And you do?

Yeah. I was homeless.

What? When?

When I was . My dad kicked me out.

I slept in a bus station,
on the "L" train.

I spent a few nights on the street.

Oh, God, I'm really sorry to hear that.

FRANCO: It's cool.

I pulled out of it.

W-When I saw John...

(sighs) ...couldn't help but
think that could've been me.

Franco, you're right.

We should do something
to honor his life.

Yeah. Let's have a memorial
here in the shop.

Okay. We can do it tomorrow.

Yeah. It'll be instead
of my Christmas bonus.

(laughing): Your Christmas bonus?

(laughs)

Okay, fine.

(laughing): A homeless funeral.

When I tell my family in
Iraq about these things,

they never believe me.

ARTHUR: Okay, tick-tock.

Let's honor a man's life and
get home for Celebrity Jeopardy.

Hey, where's Sweatpants?

In the bathroom,
trying on his new Santa suit.

I want to be here to help.

One year, my belly slid into my pants.

It looked like I had a medical problem.

Hey, you wore black.

That's cool.

Yes. Out of respect.

You're going out after this, aren't you?

Yup.

Let's do this.

We are gathered here today

to celebrate the life of John Dixon.

World traveler, student,

fan of yogurts.

Let's all, uh,

bow our heads in a moment
of silence for John.

(door opens)

Yo, yo, yo.

(imitates DJ): Sica-sica-sica-Santa
Claus in the hica-house!

Oh, is that funeral thing
happening right now?

What the hell is this? That's not Santa.

That's Santa's DJ.

Put my own spin on it.

Yeah, well, none of it's regulation.

Where's the beard?

Where's the coat?

And are you on something?

'Cause that twinkle in
your eye is not natural.

I like it.

Cool Santa's hot.

Yeah?

Well, have you been naughty or nice?

Because Santa's good with both.

Santa, please.

ARTHUR: Hey, Fawz.

You been filming this?

It's a hobo funeral
attended by a hip-hop Santa.

I'm telling you,
you're gonna be famous in Fallujah.

As I was saying, we are here
to pay respects to John Dixon.

He had so little and we have so much.

Yeah. You know,
I used to drive by in my patrol car

and think, "I should bring
him some blankets or clothes",

but I never did.

And I knew so many people
in the food business,

I could've helped him find some odd job.

Yeah, I should've let him
come in here and warm up.

Maybe use the bathroom.

Why do you feel bad?

He spent every dollar
you gave him on froyo.

Know what?

Let's raise a mug.

To John Dixon.

Wish you were still here, man.

Your wish came true.

(screams)

I know, my hair is a mess.

John, how can you be alive?

I-I couldn't find a pulse.

Well, neither could the EMTs.

Your tax dollars at work, am I right?

I'm diabetic and I went into a coma.

But they didn't figure that
out until I got into the ER.

I'm sorry, man.

I didn't, I shouldn't have
given you those damn donuts.

It's-it's not your fault.

I mean, it is. You k*lled me.

But for only, like, three minutes.
I mean...

Guess I'll get my stuff.

Hey, which one of you jerks
was going through my stuff?

I had a valuable pair

of New Year's Eve glasses.

The zeroes were eyes.

Hey, uh, we-we can't let him go.

He's got a second chance.

I mean, we-we've got a second chance.

To do what?

To do all that stuff
we said about wishing

how we could help him. And now we can.

Oh, right. We...

- W-We did say all that.
- Mm-hmm.

Now, um...

(quietly): Do we think John heard that?

Yeah, I've got work to do.

And it's three days before Christmas.

Exactly.

I-It's the perfect time to help him.

Randy, you can help him
find some new clothes. Uh...

Sofia, you can help him
find a job, right?

And Arthur,
you can let him use the bathroom

like you said you would.

I did?

I don't remember that.

Oh, no, you did, I, uh, recorded it.

Fawz!

Hey, hey, John, John,
r-real quick, um...

Uh, what's your schedule
like the next few days?

- It's pretty full.
- Okay, well...

W-We want to help you.

I can move some things around.

All right! Come on, man.

I'm gonna give them back, but, uh...

Am I right?

Okay. So you're saying if he gets a job,

then he's eligible for
transitional housing?

Okeydokey, smoky, all right!

Okay. And good day
to you, too, kind sir.

All right. Did you hear that?

Yeah, you're kind
of a dork on the phone.

No, we got to find him a job.

Yo, Sofia,
how's the résumé coming along?

Well, there's not much to work with.

His last job was "grocery bagger",

and his references are
"They're all liars."

Bup. Maybe I can help.

As a veteran of the gig economy,

I've had to dress up a couple résumés.

Okay. Under "work experience",
he has "eating."

Food taster.

And "begging."

Venture capitalist.

And "pushing a shopping cart."

Train conductor.

(imitates train whistle)

Best Christmas ever.

Where are your flyers?

Gave them all away.

Are those yours?

Yeah, I, uh, haven't started yet.

But I just saw you out front.

Nope. Must've been a different guy.

Santa!

Ho, ho, ho...

Hey!

Hey, shorty.

You been good?

Not really.

It don't matter.

I'm-a still hook you up.

Thanks, Santa!

I don't get it. Why'd she run to you?

Less is more, baby.

I can do more with one "ho"
than you can with three.

Maple cream.

Make it a double!

Okay, what, you had a tough time
finding him an interview suit?

RANDY: We went to five stores,

and he couldn't find anything he liked.

Nothing flattered my silhouette.

Just because I live in a box

doesn't mean I got to look like one.

It's cool, John, don't worry about it.

We'll find you something.

Well, how's my résumé coming?

Oh, uh, well, I'm just working
on the "skills" section.

Just trying to find a more
presentable way to say

"Kicking ass and taking names."

Is that the font you're using?

- Mm-hmm.
- Helvetica?

Oh, hell no.

Oh, free coffee!

(laughing): Yeah.

Yeah, free for you, John.

Everybody else pays for it.

It's a big part of my income.

Ah...

(retches)

Oh!

This is terrible.

(groans)

People pay for that?

Is it just me, or is this guy a d*ck?

Maybe he's a d*ck because
he lives out on the streets

and people treat him like garbage.

Well, now he's treating us like garbage.

And Helvetica is a
very professional font.

Okay, l-let's just take a second

and remember why we're all doing this.

I'm drawing a blank.
Let's kick him out of here.

Can't we just find some shelter

- and write him a check?
- Yes.

Can't Sofia just find him some
shelter and write him a check?

I-If you want to donate,
great, then donate.

But all he needs is a job
so he can get the housing.

Who's gonna hire that guy?

Maybe some big-hearted business owner,

uh, filled with the spirit of Hanukkah?

If you think Irv Saltzman's gonna...
You talking about me?

No, no, no. Forget that. Uh-uh.

Just for a couple of days.

He can dress up like Santa,

a-and stand outside and pass out flyers.

Why are we busting our humps for him?
He's so ungrateful.

Who cares?

You think this is about us feeling good?

No. I-It's about helping
somebody who needs it.

Even if they don't smile or say
"thank you."

(quietly): Okay, okay, fine.

Thank you.

He's gonna bring in customers.

He has a certain charm about himself.

You're sitting in my seat.

Somebody d*ed in that booth.

Tattoos! Get your Christmas tattoos!

Buy two, get a free piercing.

Merry Christmas to you, man. Hey!

Feliz Navidad!

Hey, what's up, man? Hey, man.

Happy Hanukkah, Irv.

What are you doing here?

My job.

No, no. Hey.
I've been on the same corner

every Christmas since ' .

I've got seniority.

Yeah, well, I've got popu-lority. Hey.

When I say "Fa, la," y'all say "La."

Fa, la.

- ALL: La!
- Fa, la.

La!

(chuckles)

Really?

Whoa.

And it's old St. Nick.

Did you see a guy named John back there?

I'm John.

What? I didn't...

I didn't recognize you.

You just saw me walk in that bathroom.

What's wrong with you?

And off we go!

Donuts?

Some kind of deal on donuts.

Hey, man,
we got a surplus of Santas here.

If you want, there's an empty sidewalk

in front of the Clip'n'Go.

Yeah, homie, keep it moving.

And what if I don't?

Hey, man.
Thanks for giving John that job.

Oh, sure.

That guy's been pushed around by life.

Right? You know, sometimes,

people just need the
kindness of strangers

to move them in the right direction.

You know? It really gives me hope.

Mommy, the Santas are fighting!

Oh, come on!

Damn it, John!

Hey! Stop! Stop! Stop.

Stop, stop. Come on.

- Get in. What are you doing?
- What... what the hell

is going on out there?

We were having a holly,
jolly conversation,

and then he got in our faces.

Come on, man, John.
I-I stood up for you, man.

I-I was just doing my job.

Yeah, well, not anymore.

You're fired.

What?

You can't fire Santa.

Oh. Hey, no.

Uh... he...
hey, he's just Santa's helper.

Oh, h-he... We're sending him
back to the North Pole

for some anger management classes.

You know what?

I don't need your help.

But I will take the suit as payment.

Hey, listen, I'm sorry, kid,
but he crossed the line.

- I'm out.
- RANDY: Yep.

Me, too.

You ever have a man grab your
sack and b*at you with it?

It's humiliating.

We tried. He's impossible.

Sorry.

Well, you know what?

Let me guess.

(imitating Franco):
He's a human being, man.

He needs our help, man.

No.

I'm done with him, too.

- Really?
- Yeah.

Maybe y'all are right. Maybe...

Maybe he is a lost cause.

Oh, well, look, Franco.

Maybe we can find some
other homeless guy to help.

You know, like that guy over in the park

who teaches Pilates to the squirrels?

No, I ain't dragging y'all into that.

Franco, come on.

No. Wha-wha... it was a stupid idea.

I-I never should've gotten involved.

Wow.

He's really taking it hard.

Yeah.

Even his hair seems sad.

I feel terrible we let him down.

Well, you should. He's giving up.

Franco can't give up.
We need his idealism.

Fawz, I've never seen
this side of you before.

I mean, who am I gonna mock?

Making fun of his ridiculous
optimism is my jam.

You idiots!

You broke Franco!

(indistinct chatter)

What the hell's going on?

Well, we felt really bad
about giving up on John.

So we decided to throw a party

for our friends from the neighborhood.

Wha... You-you did this for me?

Nope. You were right.

This shouldn't be about us.

It should be about helping
people who really need it.

Some with hepatitis.

SOFIA: We don't want you losing

your optimism.

This is great, man.
This is a Kwanzaa miracle!

I think.

And, by the way,
let's say hi to our guest of honor.

FRANCO: Hey!

Who is this handsome devil?

Hey, it's me. John.

Are you blind?

Y-You... you look great, dude.

We got him a coat.

And I got him a job.

- Are you serious?
- Yes!

With the Business Council.

He goes around and makes
sure that all the businesses

are following the rules.

The perfect job for a d*ck.

You know it!

(laughs)

And, uh, you have
a light bulb out in the alley.

And a loose lid on the dumpster.

Don't ask me how I know that.

Man, this-this proves there's
no such thing as a lost cause.

And if we all come together, we can...
we can do anything.

Mm. I'm glad I still have the mask on.

It's keeping the vomit in.

Franco's back.

(crying): God bless us, everyone.

Aw, come here, man.