03x05 - Cynthia's Birthday

[bunniefuu]

The Carmichael Show is recorded

in front of a live studio audience.

Me first, Mama. Now,
after years of trying

and failing and trying again,

I finally found you
the perfect birthday gift.

Okay, Bobby, don't put too much on it.

Ooh. Luther Vandross's

entire box set.

Vanilla scented candles,
some bubble bath.

Ooh, and some chocolate covered
strawberries.

Oh, Bobby, these are great gifts

if you're trying to seduce our mother.

Look, Jerrod, diminishing
sex life in elderly couples

is the number one cause of divorce.

Is that what you want?
Sexless divorced parents?

See, that's why Bobby, you my favorite.

You're not only my son,
but you my wingman.

- Body oil.
- Ooh.

I can't wait for your birthday

to turn into your birth-night.

- (laughs)
- Come here, girl.

(smooches)

Boys,

we might just give you a little brother

on this couch.

(laughs)

Sorry.

All right,

happy birthday, Cynthia.

We wanted to be sure to get you
something really special.

Oh, look at this fancy bag.

It's all shiny and metallic.

I like it so far.

What is this?

This is a limited
first edition hardcover

of Jacqueline Kennedy's biography.

MAXINE: Yeah, you know, 'cause
you're always talking about

how pretty she was and
how much you admire her.

I don't understand.

Have I wronged you in some way?

(laughs): What? No.

You know what would be a better
gift than that? A Kindle.

See, while you're pretending
to read, you can enjoy the apps,

the games, the e-mails, and more.

- Oh.
- Yes, a Kindle can do it all.

And I heard that you
can even watch movies

on those things now.

Oh, can you imagine me with a Kindle?

Oh, some day.

Sure, Kindles are fine, but
what's wrong with a book?

Jerrod, don't make me
say that out loud.

Say what out loud?

You really gonna make
her say it out loud?

On her birthday?

Say what out loud?
What are you guys talking about?

Look, Jerrod, your gift is stupid...

...because black people
don't read like that.

Why do you make him say
these kind of things?

Mm-hmm.

Okay, you're joking, right?
'Cause that's the most

r*cist thing I've ever heard.

(squeals): Oh, Joe!

You got me a Kindle movie watcher.

(laughs)

- Oh, I could just cry.
- (laughs)

See, that's why I set the
Kindle up before, you know?

I set my pins up and I knock 'em down!

♪

You guys have the audacity to say

"black people don't read like that"?

W-What does that even mean?

Well, we read some things.

Like if I'm at the dentist's
office and my phone dies,

I may scan through a copy of Essence

or read a pamphlet on tooth decay.

Yeah, look, let's me honest, man.

Black people didn't start
going to the library

until the library got Internet.

- Facts.
- Those are not facts.

Okay, this is incredibly insulting.

Well, that's why black people
like The Cosby Show so much.

It was just mystical seeing
all those people reading

and being doctors.

It took me to a fantastical place

I'd never been before.

The Cosby Show was my Star Wars.

Uh, The Cosby Show was supposed to be

a realistic portrayal
of a black family.

No...

Is that what they were going for?

You think we proud of this?

No, this is an embarrassment
that black people would rather

sweep under the rug, like Stacey Dash.

Okay. This is all just a
offensive generalization.

Black people read all the time.

Jerrod reads, I read.

Well, that's one
and a half black people.

I mean, those are not
record-breaking numbers, Maxine.

And to be totally honest, Maxine,

I wasn't gonna even
read my birthday cards.

Happy birthday, Cynthia.

Oh, thank you, Nekeisha.

JERROD: Nekeisha, Nekeisha, please,

answer this question for us, okay?

How many black people
do you know that read?

Uh, you mean, like,

- when they don't have to?
- Yes.

- Like, reading just for fun?
- Yes.

You mean, like, reading just to read?

Yes, Nekeisha, reading
for the sake of reading.

Mm, that's a tough one.

Does Essence Magazine count?

Told you.

Th-that's nothing to be proud of.

For all your bragging about reading,

your knowledge of black people
is on a fifth grade level.

Yeah, Jerrod, why you
acting like this is news?

Listen, there are some things
black people just don't do.

No. No, no, Dad.

We do not have a set of
rules we need to abide by.

Sure we do.

- We don't ski.
- Mm-mm.

We don't let dogs lick
all up on our faces.

- Oh, no.

And under no circumstances

do we ever, ever drive a Subaru.

You know, they say dogs' mouths
are cleaner than humans,

but I think white
people just saying that

to justify their actions.

See, there's all sorts
of rules, Jerrod.

Like, you got to say
all black movies are good,

even if they bad.

Yeah, yeah. You got to
assume all cops are bad,

even when they good.

We don't like halibut.

Well, we don't eat halibut.

Okay, no one eats halibut.
It's a very dry fish.

Okay, sorry. I was just
getting a little frustrated.

JERROD: So, wait.

You guys really want to live in a world

where black people only do things

other black people approve of?

- Oh, I love black approval.
- JOE: Yeah.

Mm-hmm. Nothing wrong with that.

See, Jerrod, these rules,
they have purpose.

They bind us as a community.

They unite us against
the thr*at of a white culture

that brought us here as slaves.

Dad, that's the most
eloquent explanation

I've ever heard for not reading.

You know, it would be nice if
we could just say what we think

without black people getting
mad. Like this one time,

when I went to the hair salon,

and I said Michelle
Obama should smile more,

and the bitch cut me with scissors.

Mmm.

JOE: Well, now,

if you gonna talk smack about Michelle,

prepare to get cut.

JERROD: No, Pop.

Nekeisha should be
able to think and say

whatever she wants without judgment.

We all should. I mean, Ma,

I know you got a thought in there

that black people wouldn't approve of.

I do, but I don't want
to say it out loud.

Ooh, I wouldn't mind hearing this.

"Unpopular black thoughts."

It sound like a fun podcast.

(scoffs) Cynthia,
you're in a safe place.

No one here's gonna judge you.

Yeah, Ma, go ahead. Free yourself.

Fine.

(clears throat)

I don't think Denzel Washington
is that talented an actor.

He just plays Denzel in every movie.

I'm just asking for a little range.

Look, Mom, wow, you've
been holding onto that.

Yeah. I've got that off my chest.

I feel a lot lighter, less stressed.

(laughs)

I bet you all this suppression is what

causes high blood pressure
in the black community.

Who else has an unpopular
black thought?

Bobby, I know you got something.

Are we doing this?

Now, look, one day,

there was a bunch of young black
dudes standing near my car.

And you know what I did?

I went back in their Starbucks,

got me a Peppermint Hot Chocolate,

and I waited that thing out.

Well, Bobby, that one was
definitely a little r*cist,

but you got every right to say it.

You didn't see them boys, Jerrod.

Look, this is good.

I feel like we're making
so much progress, right?

You know what? Instead
of going to Niecy's,

like we always do
for your birthday, Ma,

let's go somewhere else.

Every year, we go to Niecy's
for my birthday,

ever since Coretta Scott King

ate there for her birthday, .

Niecy's is a staple
in the black community.

But let's break the rules.
Niecy's will be there.

We can go anywhere.

We can even go to
Florentine's if you want.

Florentine's?

No...

We can't eat at Florentine's.

Could we?

Why can't we?

Because black people
don't eat there, that's why.

We barely even drive
through the neighborhood.

Come on, Dad. We got to
stop thinking like that.

Florentine's is a great restaurant.

And you would like it
and it's Mom's birthday.

You think we can even get reservations?

It's so last minute.

Yeah. My buddy, Drew, from high school,

his family owns the place.

All I got to do is text him.

I'm sure he can get us in.

Oh, my God, are we doing this?

We are crossing racial barriers

that this family has
never crossed before.

Oh, I know how Sidney Poitier felt

when he got that Oscar.

Ooh!

Now, that's an actor with range.

(sighs) I'm gonna go upstairs
and put on an even nicer outfit!

I cannot believe my little brother

is getting us into Florentine's.

I knew you going to
the integrated high school

would pay off some day.

Yeah, I'm taking my
wife to Florentine's.

You paying for this, right?

Oh, this place is nice!

They keep their Christmas
lights up the whole year round.

Man, Niecy's don't even have a doorman.

Mm, last time I was at Niecy's,
they didn't have a door.

Any place where the employees
look happy makes me suspicious.

Well, I want to see the bathroom.

I bet they have granite countertops

and those paper towels
that are more towels than paper.

Baby, grab some of those
for the house, please.

Okay, baby. I will.

DREW: Yo!

- Look at this guy.
- What up, man?

Hey, thanks so much for
getting us in here, my man.

Hey, anything for you, my n*gga.

You know that.

All right, I got to run.

We're gonna take great care of you.

Yeah.

BOBBY: Jerrod,

what the hell was that?

There it is. I'm out.

Remember when I told you
black people don't eat here

and you asked me why?

(pops)

Your server will be over to take
your drink orders shortly.

- Enjoy your meal.
- Thank you.

Why do you guys
keep staring at me like that?

Come on. Just sit down.
Everything's fine.

Don't ruin Mom's birthday.

(sighs)

So you gonna just let white
people call you "n*gga," huh?

I knew you shouldn't have went
to that integrated high school.

I guess we better get out of here.

No, Dad, Dad, Dad.

All right, you're overreacting.
We don't have to leave.

Okay, Drew is my friend.

That's just how we talk.
I'm completely cool with it.

Jerrod, when a white man
uses the "N" word,

that is a fire alarm
in a burning building

that you need to get out of.

Maxine, will you please tell
them they're overreacting?

No, your dad is absolutely right.

I'm-I'm not comfortable
eating at a place

where one of the owners
casually says that word.

You know, we don't have to be outraged

every time we hear the word, all right?

That's just another black rule

that hurts us more than it helps us.

Ooh, this place, it's incredible!

There was a container of
mints in the bathroom.

I almost took one.

Can you imagine how nice a place is

if you want to eat in the bathroom?

What? Where's Nekeisha?

Why you all so silent?

(clicks tongue) I'm sorry, Cynthia,

but we have to leave.

Ow!

Why would you want to take me away

from a nice place like this?

Tell me. Why, Maxine? Why?!

JERROD: Maxine,

don't upset Mom on her birthday.

That's right. Do not
upset Mom on her birthday.

And don't tell me no bad news.

I don't care if
it's a t*rror1st att*ck,

I don't want to hear about it.

We'll pray for the victims
and the family after we eat.

Well, unfortunately, it's much
worse than a t*rror1st att*ck.

Jerrod was racially slurred
when you were in the bathroom.

Lord, no! On my birthday?

I'm afraid so.

Dad, stop. I wasn't slurred, okay?

Yes, my friend Drew called me "n*gga,"

but he said it in a sweet
and loving type of way.

Jerrod, you know
I don't like that word at all,

but we cannot stop your
generation from saying it.

Yeah, Mom, but it's a twist to it.

Drew is white.

(gasps) Sweet shepherd of Jesus!

On my birthday?

Jerrod, how can you be so
nonchalant about that word?

It has such an intense history of hate.

It's the last word that
so many black people heard

as they were being hung from trees.

Okay, I don't think the problem

in that scenario is the word, Maxine.

I think it's the hanging.

All right? If you ask me,

the black community gets
way too caught up on that word.

It's just a distraction.

We should focus on things
that actually matter,

like, I don't know, voter suppression,

instead of Hulk Hogan,
or Dog the Bounty Hunter,

or Justin Timberlake
saying the "N" word.

Oh, no! JT said it, too?

Well, he hasn't said it...

yet, but come on.

Look, the point is,

you guys saying black
people don't read like that

is way more offensive than
someone saying the "N" word.

I've known Drew for a really long time.

He's had nothing but black friends.

He's dated nothing but black girls.

I mean, the man has on
a fresh pair of Jordan 's

with a suit right now.

He's embraced black
culture more than anyone.

Well, just because you
appropriate our culture

doesn't mean that
you can use our words.

He is not black.

And if you haven't experienced
the pain of that word,

then you do not have
the right to say it.

CYNTHIA: She is right, Jerrod.

They called me that word
when I was the only black girl

in my fifth grade class.

I went to school every day
knowing that I was not welcome,

and that's what that word is.

It's a sign that you are not welcome.

Well, I'm sorry you had to
go through that, Cynthia.

You know what, I'm just
gonna go and get our coats,

and I will meet you all out front.

We just can't stay, Jerrod.

Why is it every time Maxine is right,

we all have to suffer?

Yeah, we should have
just gone to Niecy's.

Ooh, but it's gonna
be hard to eat there

after I have experienced

all this elegance today.

You guys sound like you don't
actually want to leave.

Do you really want to

or do you just feel obligated
to as black people?

Well, I feel obligated.

You see how mad Maxine is
and she only half black.

Does that mean I got
to be double angry?

Well, yeah, those are the rules.

Your anger has to match your melanin.

Jerrod, look at your skin.

You should be furious right now.

Enjoy.

Damn, that bread looks warm.
You think they made it in-house?

Of course they made it in-house.

Look at the cartoonish amount of steam

rising off the backs of them rolls.

God, I'm hungry.

You know, Dad, if you want a roll,

you could just take a roll.

Oh, what a dilemma.

This must be what it felt like

to sit at that Woolworth's
counter in the ' s.

- I'm just gonna...
- Joe.

...have a bite, 'cause,
you know, my blood sugar's low.

Mmm. This is for you, Greensboro Four.

This is for all the lunches
you were never served.

Good God.

- They're pretzel rolls, baby.
- Oh!

A pretzel roll? Mmm.

Very ambitious.

This restaurant is taking some swings.

CYNTHIA: Mm-hmm.

Oh, nailed it.

This makes the oppression
go down a whole lot easier.

Mmm.

Uh, why are you guys still sitting?

I was waiting out front.

Now, look, Maxine, I know what we said

about oppression
and us having the integrity

to stand up for ourselves
as black people.

But that's before
I tried this pretzel roll.

This is honey butter, Maxine.

I'm sure you should be able to
relate to this dilemma, right?

What?

Would you like
sparkling water or still?

Oh, why would you even ask?

Of course we'd like the sparkling.

Mmm!

It tastes like healthy Sprite.

Would you care to hear
about our specials today?

Um, can you just please
give us a second?

Of course. Take your time.

Maxine, don't you see

that by making a big
deal about this word,

you're just giving it power?

You're basically giving someone
a w*apon to hurt you with.

I mean, we can't control
who says the word,

but we can control our reaction to it.

You know what I think? I think everyone

should just use the word constantly.

So much until it dilutes its power,

makes it meaningless.

I'll know we've come a
long way as a nation

the day I turn on Ellen and she says,

"Ladies and gentlemen,
my n*gga, Bruno Mars."

And all the soccer moms
in the audience cheer.

Well, Jerrod makes a good point.

Look, in ninth grade,

my friend, Kevin, was called
that word by a white guy,

and he b*at his face
until it was unrecognizable.

Just the way I taught you boys.
I am so proud of Kevin.

Yeah, but Kevin got expelled.

And you know what he's doing now?

Selling dr*gs?

Maxine, that is r*cist.

But that's exactly what he's doing.

Look, you see, Maxine?
This is exactly what I mean.

Obsessing over the word
just ruins people's lives.

Now, the only people
you'll be punishing

by making us take a stance
against this restaurant

is my family, who won't be able

to eat a nice meal
on my mom's birthday.

No, the people who are punished
are the victims of that word.

(sighs)

You know, I don't know if
I told you this, but...

when I was , my swim
team made it all the way

to the state championship.

And just before the final meet,

a white kid from the other team yelled,

"Hey, what are you doing here?

'N' words can't swim."

Except he actually said the word.

And it zapped all my confidence.

That day, I swam the worst
time of my entire life.

I was so upset that I...

eventually quit swim team.

Wait. That was your story?

That wasn't inspiring at all.

Yeah, I thought it was gonna be
a story of triumph, Maxine.

Yeah, why are you telling us

your story of not rising
to the occasion?

This is a story of how damaging

that word can be to someone's spirit.

It is used to humiliate us,

and we can't just ignore that fact

- because we like a dinner roll!
- DREW: Hey, Jerrod.

I'm just checking in.
Now, be sure to let me know

- if you need any...
- Hey!

We are not n*gg*r*s!

Maxine is right.

We should probably leave.

I can't believe we are
back up in Niecy's again.

They still got a sandwich
named after O.J. Simpson.

What the hell are we doing in here?

Well, we're definitely not allowed back

at Florentine's any time soon.

Yeah. I've been sitting here minutes

and nobody's come over
for my drink order.

(sighs)

Look, I'm sorry that
I got us kicked out.

But, you know, they didn't deserve

- our business anyway.
- Yeah, yeah, yeah.

We already heard about your
failed swimming career, Maxine.

Look, I don't know

if white people should
be saying the "N" word,

but I definitely know
Maxine shouldn't say it.

The way you said it, it hurt my soul.

JOE: Hear! Hear!

I'd like to toast to that,

but we haven't gotten our drinks yet.

Maxine, why did you have to
put the "E-R" on the end?

Yeah.

Drew didn't say it like that.

There was actual hate in
your voice when you said it.

Yours is like the curb-stomping scene

from American History X.

It wasn't hate towards black people.

It was hate towards your friend.

Well, Maxine, hate is hate,
and it's hurtful on all of us.

Excuse me.

Would you happen to have
some sparkling water?

WAITER: Come on.

You know we ain't got
no sparkling water.

Yeah, I-I know.

Well, could I have a Sprite?

We got Pepsi.

Oh, Lord, I miss Florentine's.

Got me on my birthday,

up here eating with all these n*gg*s.