You know, I've seen cheryl
do this before.
She just presses a button...
And the whole thing
collapses.
That's a brake.
Wait, wait, wait!
I think I heard a click.
That was my knee.
You want to get the door?
Hah!
Oh, baby.
What...has happened
to america?
It's going to hell
in a handbasket, jim.
Bingo!
♪ B-i-n-g-o ♪
♪ B-i-n-g-o ♪
No, no, no, girls,
that's okay.
You know what? Not now,
But mommy will sing it later
for you as much as you want!
Yay!
I'm sitting there watching
the director's cut
Of "red heat,"
which, by the way, cheryl,
Is very good.
Completely overlooked
by the academy.
Anyway, the dvd player breaks
down and craps right out on me.
What? We've only
had it a week!
Bingo!
♪ B-i -- ♪
Ah-ah!
Thank you.
So, I'm gonna take this back
to lazy al's,
And I'm gonna exchange it
and get a new one.
But I need that receipt.
Oh, jeez!
Ow.
My binky!
My whistle!
[ Whistle blowing ]
Thanks, jim. That's where
I keep all the stuff
I don't want them
to have anymore.
My nudie pen.
Hello, ingrid.
She lives in a pen, jim.
If she was feet taller,
you'd be gone.
Honey, I gotta find
that receipt.
I know I put that receipt
in here.
What did you do with it?
Me?! I never take anything
out of that drawer.
You're the one
who's always losing things,
Like our honeymoon tickets.
I did not lose those tickets.
You told me to put them
in the green suitcase.
We didn't take
the green suitcase.
Well, why did you tell me
to put 'em in the green
suitcase?
Why would I tell you
to put them in a suitcase
you weren't even taking?
Cheryl, only you
can answer that.
Besides,
that was years ago.
Can't you think of anything
recently that I lost?
Uh, pounds?
Although, in your defense,
you did find them.
That is a cheap shot, cheryl.
I am storing that one.
Aw, you mean where
your hair used to be?
What?!
Did I forget a birthday
or something?
What's goin' on here?
No, no, I'm just sick
of you losing things
all the time
And blaming me.
Like, like --
Like my car keys
or your sunglasses
or the electric bill.
Come on, cheryl, that was fun.
It was like camping.
Besides, you know what?
You gotta stop
keeping score with me.
You store these lists
in your head.
Oh, you mean up here
with my thick,
lustrous hair?
Cheryl...
You are making me
very angry.
And very hot.
Now, come on.
It's obvious that someone
just broke in here
In the middle of the night
and stole my receipt!
Yeah, jim.
It's probably halfway
to south america by now,
Chopped up
and sold for confetti.
[ Sighs ]
I know it's in here!
Honey, seriously,
you probably don't
want to touch anything
'Cause the police are
gonna want to dust
for prints.
I'm gonna kick your ass!
Aah! [ Laughs ]
Ah, tiffany...
That wicked lady
took your sister away.
Hi, welcome to lazy al's,
Where we're too darn lazy
to raise our prices.
I bet you hate saying
that, don't you?
No, I don't.
Well, this thing
is broken here,
And I want to exchange it
for a new one.
Okay. Can I see
a receipt?
Well, my, uh --
my wife lost it.
Women, huh?
Don't get me started.
Yeah.
No returns
without a receipt.
No exceptions.
Aw, come on, buddy.
We all know that rules
are meant to be broken, huh?
[ Sighs ]
Are you trying to bribe me
with an arby's coupon?
Okay, I understand.
You're a worthy opponent.
Let's make this
a, uh, game of skill.
I'm thinking of a number
between one and .
Seven.
Damn!
I need that receipt,
sir.
I'm thinking
of a number--
.
How do you know that?
Well, well, well.
Oh, gee.
What's that, jim,
the new dvd player?
Why, yes, my darling,
it is.
Oh, jim, you're my hero.
Would you like steak-ums
for lunch
Followed by
afternoon sex?
Well, you know, cheryl,
I really didn't think
about that,
But yes, I would!
Okay. Okay, I get it.
You didn't lose the receipt.
Oh, I didn't lose
the receipt.
That's very interesting.
So maybe
you were incorrect?
Maybe you could've been
possibly wrong,
Perchance mistaken?
All right!
I got it!
All right.
Cheryl, excuse me.
I am gonna take a nap...
...to save up energy
for our afternoon sex.
Okay, honey.
You win.
Enjoy your nap.
Thank you.
Bingo!
♪ B-i-n-g-o, b-i-n-g-o ♪
♪ B-i-n-g-o,
and bingo was his name-o ♪
[ Instruments tuning ]
Boys, I am a genius.
Yeah? Spell it.
Yeah, go ahead
and make fun of me.
But I just fooled my wife,
and she's a very smart lady.
All right.
So, how did you fool her?
You see, I was gonna return
this broken dvd player.
Right?
Okay.
But I needed the receipt
And I couldn't find it,
And cheryl accused me
of losing it.
Did you?
Well, yeah,
pretty much.
But that's why I went out
and bought a new dvd player
So she wouldn't, you know,
harp on me for years
About the mistakes I made.
Yeah, I know what you mean.
Cheryl still won't let me
forget the time
When I used her easy-bake oven
To cremate my dead frog,
mr. Hoppers.
Well, guys, women.
Women are like a dog
with a bone.
They bury it
for a while,
And then they dig it up
when they want to use it
against you.
My barber told me that.
You were in the chair
long enough
to get all that?
[ Rimshot ]
Ha ha ha! I love it!
Yeah, yeah.
All right.
, , , !
[ Blues music playing ]
[ Blowing whistle
rhythmically ]
Whoo!
Who's got the magic?
Mom's got the magic.
Oh, yeah.
I am not speaking
to you,
And don't act like
you don't know why.
Okay.
[ Music continues ]
You don't even know
what you did, do you?
Uh, overreacted
to something small?
Oh, sorry.
That's what you do.
I hate you when you dance.
Stop dancing!
I made your stupid
spaghetti sauce
last night for my date,
And it was awful.
Oh, honey, your dates
are always awful.
Okay, what did
you do wrong?
I didn't do
anything wrong.
I followed your recipe
exactly.
"One can of tomato paste,
tablespoons of olive oil,
One tablespoon
of oranges" --
Oregano!
Not oranges!
You're not making a smoothie!
Oh, my god. Lazy al's.
This is the receipt
for the dvd player.
Jim did lose the receipt.
He is so busted!
Where'd you get this?
From you. You took it
out of that drawer,
Wrote the recipe on it,
and handed it to me.
You are lying.
Cheryl: oh, man!
Jim was right.
I did lose the receipt.
Wait a minute.
If he didn't have the receipt,
How did he get lazy al
to take his dvd player back?
Maybe he undid
his top button
and cried.
I once returned
a car like that.
He totally deceived me.
Well, cheryl, what have
I been telling you
for years?
That man
has no good qualities.
Come on.
Let's go nail him.
I can't.
Why?!
Because he'll know that I know
that he didn't lose the receipt,
And he'll say,
"how do you know?"
And I'll say,
"because I gave it to dana,"
And he'll say, "so it was really
you who lost the receipt."
And I won't have
anything to say.
Wow.
I must have no life,
because I find this
fascinating.
What are you doing?
Oh. Listen carefully,
little sister.
Men are like a dog
with a bone.
They'll bury it
for a while,
But they'll dig it up
when they need to.
Also, there's the chewing
and the licking, but...
All right. Hang on.
What's that?
They're trying
to get me
for jury duty.
Uhh!
Bye, guys.
See ya.
Watch the door.
Okay.
What am I looking for?
If you see cheryl,
say something.
Like what?
Like, "hey, jim,
cheryl's coming."
Seems a little long.
How about "blue canary"?
Just watch
the damn door!
Blue canary!
No. No, really,
it's a blue canary.
What are the odds?
What are you doing?
I am returning
this broken dvd player.
I thought they wouldn't take it
without a receipt.
Oh, I have a receipt...
From the new dvd player.
That's just wrong.
How do you sleep
at night?
In the nude--
with your sister.
Jim: okay, okay.
All we're gonna do
is we're gonna go in there,
We're gonna get our money,
and then we're gonna get out.
So be calm.
[ Scoffs ]
don't worry about me.
What's that in my veins?
Oh, it's ice water.
Okay, mr. Iceman.
Stay close.
Hey.
Hi, welcome
to lazy al's,
Where we're
too darn lazy
to raise our pri--
Sweet mother of god!
We're locked in!
It opens in, sir.
Just pull it.
Oh. Sorry.
I wanted to return this
for cash.
Okay. Can I see
your receipt?
Oh. Oh, I think
I can scare one up.
Okay.
There's a problem.
Aside from
this frozen tater tot...
The serial numbers
on this dvd player
and this receipt
Don't match.
What happened to
"the customer is always right"?
That goes out the window
when they're trying
to rip us off.
All right, I'm gonna
call my lawyer, sir.
[ Punching keys ]
One second, please.
Yes, I'll hold.
Yes, johnnie cochran, please.
Sir, that's
a price scanner.
If you walk out right now,
I won't call the police.
[ Banging ]
It opens in, sir.
Hey.
Blue...canary.
So, what are you guys
doing?
Well, we were just, um...
T-talking man stuff.
Yeah, you know, we're --
I was gonna do
some measuring and stuff.
I was thinking maybe --
I don't know --
Change the garage
into a...study for my books.
Why? Is the rack
next to the toilet
getting too small?
What's this?
Oh, uh...
Well, that's the dvd player.
Oh. Really?
Now, that's funny,
'Cause the girls
are in the house
Watching a dvd
right now.
So... You wanna tell me
what's going on?
Dana...
What? Oh, come on!
This is the only reason
I really come over here.
You think I like
to watch him eat?!
All right.
So, what's going on?
Well, uh, you know.
Long story short --
And here we are.
Yeah, so you want to give me
the slightly longer version?
Sure. I lost the receipt
and bought a new dvd player,
and here we are.
Oh, man! You are
unbelievable!
All right.
I'm standing in front of
you, totally vulnerable.
If you want me to take
my pants off, I will.
Why would I want you
to take your pants off?
Just an expression.
Come on.
Come on, cheryl.
Give it to me,
both barrels.
I'm going to!
All right.
All right. All right.
I'm not pulling any punches.
I know. I know.
All right.
Oh, damn it!
Perfect opportunity to bust you,
and I can't do it.
What do you mean?
Oh!
I took the receipt
out of the drawer.
I wrote a recipe on it,
and I handed it to dana.
[ Sighs ]
Whoa!
Jim.
Don't...please!
I can't even look
at you right now.
Come on!
We both lied.
Oh, don't drag me
into your web of deceit.
Wait!
You got the receipt.
I can return the dvd.
Okay, okay, okay.
Here's where my story
gets funny.
Ahh...
I burned it.
Why?
Well, because I knew
that sooner or later
you'd find it,
And then you'd just
lord it over me.
Well, I bought
a new dvd player
Because I didn't want
you to lord it over me
And then put it
on that list of yours.
Oh, man!
The amount of time
we spend keeping score,
It's just exhausting.
It is.
Ohh!
Cheryl...
What are we doing here?
I mean, we -- keeping
lists on each other.
I mean, there's gotta be
some good things
on that list,
Or we wouldn't
be married
all these years.
I've got good things
on the list.
Really?
Yeah.
What?
Oh, here's one.
"Will eat anything."
How about a good thing
that's not insulting, too.
Oh, okay.
Oh, I know!
Oh, no. No.
Oh! Oh!
Oh, no.
Cheryl, come on!
What are you doing
to me here?
Oh, okay.
Okay, well, I was kinda
saving this one, but, um...
He was a good father and
a loving, devoted husband.
"Was"?
It's my widow's list.
It's the kind of stuff
I was saving for your funeral.
You think you're gonna
live longer than me?
Jim, you order a side of eggs
with your omelet!
Okay. Here goes.
[ Funeral dirge plays ]
[ Music stops ]
I'd like to thank you both
for coming.
Oh!
Cheryl, I have more
friends than that.
Dead!
[ Sighs ]
Since we were married,
A day hasn't gone by
that jim hasn't made me laugh.
Even if it was at him
rather than with him.
Hey!
Uh-uh!
Oh, and he's such
a good father.
Like all the times he stayed up
all night with ruby
When she was sick.
Or when gracie dropped
her teddy bear in the lake
And he jumped in
with all his clothes on
to save it.
Yeah, I remember that.
A brand-new roll
of lifesavers ruined.
Anyway...
Blank and I would like to invite
you all up to our lavish estate
For champagne and caviar.
Who's blank?
My boyfriend.
Yeah, he's the cute doctor
Who fought so valiantly
to save you.
[ Chuckles ]
You're too much.
Well, let me ask you
something.
Did he kiss like this?
Mmm. Mmm.
No. No, he didn't.
Actually,
he kissed like this.
Mmm. Mmm.
Mmm!
I'll k*ll him!
But first...this.
[ Voice breaking ] I just looked
everywhere for that receipt,
And I just couldn't find it.
[ Sniffles ]
Oh, it's hot in here,
isn't it?
[ Giggles ]
Anyway...
So, um, if I don't get $
by tomorrow morning,
My twin sister and I
aren't gonna be able to pay
The enrollment fee
for the lingerie contest.
Yeah. Okay.
Oh, yeah. Yeah. Yeah.
Yeah. Yeah.
Here, here.
And here's a universal
remote on the house.
Just take that.
Oh, thank you.
It opens in,
you know.
Thank you.
Gotcha!