[ Siren whoops ]
[ Groans ]
Hello.
Good afternoon, officer.
That is a fine bike
you got there. Indian?
Full dress
d-twin -speed
police pursuit model,
Otherwise known
as my office.
Ha ha ha.
You know you rolled
through that stop sign
back there?
Okay, well, I'll stop twice
at the next one.
Ha ha ha.
Is that humor, sir?
Are you a funny boy?
No.
No, not at all, sir.
License and
registration,
please.
Here you go.
Thank you.
Hey, you know what?
I just got
this meatball hoagie,
And there is no way
that I'm gonna finish
this whole thing.
I find that
hard to believe.
Tell you what.
I'm just gonna set it
right here on the dashboard,
And I'm gonna look
the other way.
Hmm.
I smell...
A bribe.
I'm going to ask you
To step out
of the vehicle, sir.
Hands up. Out.
Out of the vehicle
right now.
It wasn't a bribe.
It was just a sandwich.
Hands on the hood.
Spread 'em.
Spread 'em?
What are you going to do?
The human body has
exactly seven cavities.
I am trained to search
every one of them.
You're tickling me!
You're tickling me!
Turn around.
Oof.
So...
We're cool?
Danny?
Danny majowski?
Did the aztecs build
runways for the gods?!
In the flesh!
At least you scared
the hell out of me.
I thought you were that guy
from the village people.
Oh, you wish.
Oh, I do not. Stop that.
How you doing, jimmy?
I'm doing good.
I'm doing great.
Look at you -- a cop.
I mean, last I heard,
you were --
You were emceeing
at some strip club
down in new orleans.
Yeah.
A bad scene.
Wow, you're a cop.
I mean, you're
totally turned around.
You know the beauty
part? I did it
without jesus.
Ah, great
to see you, man.
You too, man.
Hey, you know,
we should get together.
Why don't you
come over to my house
For sunday night dinner,
all right?
I mean, cheryl
would love to see you,
And I want you
to meet my family.
I would
really like that.
Really?
Yes.
That's great, man.
Let me give you an address.
I've got your address.
You do, don't you?
Mm-hmm.
Uh, danny,
you're not gonna --
You're not gonna give me
that ticket, are you?
Mm...no.
Not this time,
But I am gonna give you
my standard warning.
Oh, go ahead. sh**t.
I'm ready. Give it to me.
Sir, when you run
a stop sign,
You immediately become
tons of rolling death.
You think, "oh,
I don't have to stop.
"I'm a big man.
I just fooled
johnny law. I'm cool."
Well, next time
you're washing your car,
ask yourself this --
Would you rather be
hosing off dirt
Or little pieces
of brain and skull?
See you sunday.
Hah!
Oh, baby.
Hey, hey, hey,
guess what I found.
Oh, a reason
to go on a diet?
Danny and I printed
these up in ' ,
And we sold them out
of the back of his van,
Also known as
"the good times machine."
I thought that's
what you called
the refrigerator.
No, that's what
I call my --
Jim.
Look at that, huh?
Danny is
gonna go crazy
when he sees it.
Yeah, that's exactly
what I'm worried about.
Aw, come on, cheryl.
Danny's a good guy.
Give him a break.
Oh, have you forgotten
that at our wedding,
He got drunk
and made that
horrible toast about
How you should
have married your
ex-girlfriend misty
Because of her
moster jugs?
Monsters?
Yes, honey,
they were monsters.
Nice monsters.
They weren't real,
you know.
They were like
pretend monsters.
[ Doorbell rings ]
Oh, that's him.
That's him. That's him.
Oh, here we go.
You know, at the wedding,
he tried to kiss me.
You too?
Come here, my friend.
Hi, I'm danny.
You must be ruby
and gracie.
Yes.
Yes.
I think
I've got a present
for each of you.
Yay!
Yay!
Uh, danny, you got
to get in the door
Before you give
those girls presents.
You remember
my beautiful wife cheryl?
Oh, danny.
Look at you in a suit.
And look -- no beard.
I'm a handsome man.
Why hide it?
Ha ha ha.
You know, you really
didn't have to get
gifts for the girls.
Ah, just stuff
I found lying around
the evidence room.
Hi, I'm dana.
We met at the wedding.
You tried to kiss me.
Oh, that was you.
I'm so sorry.
I was different
back then.
Now, wasn't there
a chubby blond girl
with you?
I owe her
an apology, too.
[ Deep voice ]
hi, I'm andy --
Cheryl and dana's
male brother.
Hey, what do
you say we, uh,
get something to eat
And cr*ck open
this bottle of wine?
Well, it's homemade.
You might want to wait
years before you drink it.
All right. We'll put it
in the wine cellar
Right next
to jim's abdomenizer.
Huh?
Who needs it?
I got one of those
electric belts
That shock you
into shape.
Oh, yes.
So the guy pulls
a -millimeter glock
on me.
I look him
straight in the eye,
I say, "amigo,
you got one sh*t,
"And if I don't drop
like something heavy
off something high,
It's party time."
He blinks.
I spin him around,
grab his piece,
And plant my florsheim
firmly on his huevos.
[ Gasps ]
oh, my god.
Just messing with you.
I'm a traffic cop.
Oh, danny,
you had me
on that one.
You know,
speaking
of cops,
I once sat next
to dennis franz
On a flight
to detroit.
When he fell asleep,
I grabbed his nuts.
Peanuts. Peanuts.
Well, we should be going.
Come on, andy.
Thanks for dinner.
So nice to see you
both again.
Good night.
No, no, no, danny,
danny, what are
you doing?
It's the least I can do
after such a wonderful
evening.
No, no, no, please.
Come on. I got
a couple cigars.
Let's go out
on the porch
And smoke them
like the old days.
No, I don't smoke
those anymore.
Body's a temple.
Oh.
It's a joke. Look at me.
Thank you, danny.
He is so funny.
Jim, I gotta say,
he has really changed.
What do you mean?
I mean he's toned down,
like you.
He's lost that wild streak.
Ha ha ha. Honey,
we may be tame
on the surface,
But we still got
our wild streak.
What, you don't
think so?
Come on, there is
a fire in this belly.
Yeah, and good luck
putting that out.
What, what --
are you saying --
Are you saying that
i-i'm not crazy anymore?
There's no more streak
in me? Is that what
you're saying?
'Cause you are
totally wrong.
Baby, I am
a party machine.
Really?
Yes,
And if I want to go out
drinking all night,
That's what
I'm gonna do.
No, you can't.
Now you're telling me
what I can and can't do?
No, honey,
I mean you can't.
You're not physically able.
Your body won't let you.
Cheryl, you don't even
know me anymore.
I think we need
to have more sex.
Why?
Why not?
Honey, you know,
I need you
to take care of yourself,
Because we can't get parts
anymore for this party machine.
Aw, sweetie,
You are a hard-working
father of three
Who goes to bed
every night at : ,
And I love that.
You're my wild man, okay?
Here.
Napkins?
Yes, I'm gonna
go check
on the girls.
You want me
to put the napkins
in the laundry?
Ah ha.
[ Spits ]
Danny?
Oh, good. I'll rinse them,
you put them in the dishwasher.
Danny, what has
happened to you?
What are you
talking about?
Well, you used
to be the guy --
You know, partying,
playing your harmonica,
raising hell,
Not doing dishes.
I'm still the same guy.
I'm just different.
You are, too.
Why does everyone
keep saying that?
I am not different.
All right,
all right,
all right,
I mean, it might
look, you know,
With the family
and everything,
But I am
a crazy guy.
You know what?
Don't use steel wool
on that teflon.
It'll scratch it.
Well, actually,
it's silverstone.
It can handle
the abrasives.
I have an omelet pan,
and, uh...
Okay, that's it,
that's it.
You and I -- we're going
to harlow's tonight.
Come on,
let's go have some fun.
Aw, it's kind of late.
Well, so what?
Come on,
We haven't seen
each other
for years, man.
Is it going to k*ll you
to go out with your
buddy a little bit?
Well, I gotta work
tomorrow.
So do i.
We'll get home early,
honest to god.
We won't stay out
too late.
Well, I suppose these
should soak overnight.
Yeah!
Hey, do you still have
the good times machine?
Um, no,
I've got a saturn.
It's like being
part of a club.
Ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch...
I-i got it,
g-g-g-g-g-g-- got it!
You are in construction!
Yes, I am!
[ Both laugh ]
Look at that.
Oh, oh, officer,
I think there's
someone here
breaking the law.
Write her a ticket.
Pull over there, ma'am.
I'm going
to have to cite you
for excess cleavage!
Right!
And you know what?
Officer, you want to
inspect her trunk,
don't you?
Look at that. Whoa.
Oh!
Officer down!
Officer down!
He --
he ain't getting up.
Jim, it's :
in the morning.
I was worried sick.
What the hell
are you doing?
You know, honey,
I'm thinking of writing
the refrigerator people.
They definitely got to put
a dimmer on this light.
And more leg room,
you know?
Do you realize
I've been calling you
Since : in the morning?
What if there was
an emergency?
Where's your cell phone?
You know,
I thought I heard it ringing.
And then I dropped it
in the urinal,
And I wound up answering
that little cake.
Oh.
Oh, look at you.
You're like
an irresponsible
teenager.
Cheryl...
Your generation
doesn't get me.
That -- I want that.
[ Groans ]
Oh. Oh, no, no.
Jim.
Jim.
You think you're so cool,
don't you?
Mr. Big sh*t, huh,
with the family?
"Oh, yeah,
I really get it on.
"Cheryl and i, all the time,
making love, yeah.
I'm the boss of this company.
Andy, get to work."
Yeah, you're nothin', buddy.
You're nothin'.
Andy,
I can hear you.
What do you think
you're doing?
Stapling.
I'm an architect, you know.
I'm at work,
Not hung over,
reeking of john barleycorn.
Have a little too much fun
last night, milady?
No. I'm fine.
I still got it.
I'm like a teenager.
Whoo!
Oh.
[ Door closes ]
aah!
Danny.
What are you
doing here?
Jim, andy.
I just thought
you might like your
cell phone back.
Oh. How did you, uh...
I don't want
to talk about it.
Here, andy, here's
that company phone
I promised you.
All right! Movin' on up.
So...
What do you say
we go to harlow's
again tonight, huh?
You two -- you really know
how to live it up.
Hey, maybe when you go out
tonight, I could tag along.
Are you ready
to lose your soul
In a night of unbridled
pagan debauchery?
Actually,
it's a common misconception
That ancient pagan
societies --
You're out.
So, come on, danny.
What time
you want to hook up?
Doesn't matter to me,
since I've got
nowhere to be tomorrow.
What do you mean?
Remember
that redhead I cited
For unlawful use
of spandex?
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
She was cute.
She filed a complaint.
I've been suspended.
Oh, danny, I'm sorry.
That's tough.
I knew I should never
have used my real tickets.
What are you going to do, man?
What any self-respecting
temporarily unemployed
Law enforcement officer
would do.
Return to the scene
of the crime!
You mean you want to go
back out tonight?
Is jfk still alive
and running the country
From the basement
of the pentagon?
With a little help
from elvis?
Yeah!
Yeah!
Hey, girls,
you guys, hey.
No, no, no, you guys.
Daddy can choke.
No, he won't.
He can chew
in his sleep.
Yeah, it's true.
Cheryl, it's really cool.
He's like some kind
of circus freak.
Cheryl: what?
All right, girls,
you know what?
That's enough.
Go up and wash
that cheese stuff
off your fingers.
Thank you.
He's been out with danny
four nights in a row.
I find him sleeping
all over the house.
It's like living
with a really big cat.
How long are you going
to let him go on like this?
Hey, if he wants
to prove something
to himself,
I'm not gonna stop him.
Besides, I think he's
about to hit his wall.
Ooh! Nothing but net.
[ Doorbell rings ]
Oh, I wasn't dreaming.
It is raining cheese balls.
Hey, ladies.
Hey.
Ready to roll,
buddy?
Oh, what time is it?
: .
Oh, my god, I slept
right through my nap.
Ha ha ha.
So, what, are we gonna go
to harlow's again tonight?
Five nights in a row?
Nah.
How about something new?
They got
this new go-kart place
With a drive-through
beer window.
Let's try that.
Well, uh,
that sounds great,
But, uh, danny,
you know, I just...
You know, i-i got to do
some stuff around the house.
What stuff, jim?
You know, you might have
forgotten about this,
But it's my turn
to give the kids a bath.
Oh, don't worry
about it, sweetie.
I'll take care of that.
Yeah, I'll help her.
Yeah, thank you, honey.
No problem.
Go, go.
You have a good time.
No, no, no,
cheryl.
You did it last night,
remember?
Yeah, like I have
every night since
the day they were born.
I'm getting
the distinct
impression here
That maybe you don't
want to go out.
Well...
All right, danny, look...
I just don't think
I can go out tonight.
I mean,
I got up this morning
and looked in my eyes,
And I couldn't find
the white parts.
But I thought
you were having fun.
Oh, I did.
I had a blast,
But I just think
I was trying
To be the guy I was
when we were kids.
And I thought I was,
but I'm just not.
Okay, fine, sure.
Hey, listen,
I understand.
You do?
You dragged me out
for a big taste
of the high life,
I get suspended,
I got all kinds of
time on my hands,
And you drop me
like a plague rat
at a pet show.
I wouldn't put it that way,
danny. I mean --
No, that's no problem.
Hey, that's okay, man.
That's fine. Listen,
hey, I understand.
I'm cool. No sweat.
That's okay.
See you around,
slim.
[ Door slams ]
[ Laughing ]
What?
He called you "slim."
[ Blues music playing ]
Hey, guys.
Hey, tony.
How you doin',
jim?
Good, man, good.
Nice to see you there.
Hey.
How about
those bears, huh?
Yeah, great.
Gonna be a special season,
this one coming up, huh?
Yep.
How about the cubs?
Yeah.
Yeah.
Bulls.
Sure.
Yep.
Beer nuts?
Calling me cute names
won't make me feel
any better.
All right.
Hey, look, danny, uh...
I know I let you down
back there.
You know, years
of a loving family
and a clean life
Has finally caught up
with me.
You don't know
how much I wish
I could have hung in there
with you.
Last night
when I got home,
I had to grab hold
of the lawn
To keep from falling
off the earth.
[ Chuckles ]
I know.
I know the feeling.
Remember
when I dared you
To climb
the wheaton water tower
And spray-paint
your name
on the side of it?
Yeah.
And you did it.
You actually
did it, man.
I know.
And that same guy
is now married
With a wonderful wife
and three great kids.
It just blows my mind.
Me? Come on,
our junior year
of high school,
You broke the record
for detentions,
And now you're
carrying a badge
and giving out tickets.
At least I'm still
getting suspended.
They're not gonna
fire you, are they?
Nah, my captain
intervened.
They'll probably
just send me around
To high schools
with a puppet.
Hey, look what I found
in the garage.
Neat.
You still play,
don't you?
Is there an entire
family of aliens
Being crossbred
with humans
At wright-patterson
air force base?
With a little help
from elvis?
Oh, you got it.
Hey, come on.
I know the guys.
That's my drummer tony.
Really?
Yeah.
Why don't we jump up there,
sing a song?
Would they let us?
Yeah, they'd let us.
Come on, for old times' sake.
You know what I love
about the blues?
In that world,
we're still
young bucks.
Come on, buck. Let's go.
Let's see what we can do.
Hey, tony.
Can we jump in?
Yeah, come on.
Come on.
You guys know
"cadillac man"?
Yeah, you remember
the words?
I know the words.
You try to keep up with me.
Hey, how are you?
, , , .
♪ I pull a -hour week ♪
♪ Friday got the check
in my hand ♪
♪ Well, I cash it real quick,
spend it as fast as I can ♪
♪ I roll in with the ladies,
they call me the cadillac man ♪
♪ I'm the king of the road,
coupe de ville is my throne ♪
♪ And as long as
I got the dough ♪
♪ I'll be going, going ♪
♪ Going, going, gone, yeah ♪
All right, here we go.