Okay.
Now, there's a very
fine art to this,
So watch closely.
Now, hold your hand out,
stick your fingers together,
And make a little cup.
Good.
Okay, now put it
under your armpit,
Make sure there's
a good seal.
Now let it rip.
Wow!
It sounds
like a fart.
Yeah. That's how you know
you're doing it right.
Jim, what are you doing?
Making sure they don't
have boyfriends
till they're .
Hah!
Oh, baby.
Jim:
ready, set, go!
Go! Go! Go!
Ow!
Go! Go! Go!
Go! Go! Go!
Yay!
Kyle, you are so strong.
Maybe I should start
breast-feeding, huh?
Yeah, the way you eat,
You'd have to do it
every three minutes.
Nice.
Cheryl: oh!
Hey, jim,
listen to this--
The chicago bears are
having a celebrity bowl-off.
We can bowl with all-pro
linebacker brian urlacher.
When's that?
Saturday night.
Oh, saturday night?
That's cheryl's birthday.
Well, you know, cheryl,
we don't have any plans.
Come on, come on,
we could bowl,
And you can go
shopping.
At a bowling alley?
They got a pro shop.
I so see
what you're doing.
There's no
bowling tournament.
You're just trying
to lure me there
For my great big
surprise party.
I am so far ahead of you,
I could stop for lunch.
No, cheryl, really,
there is a tournament.
It's right here.
Oh, yeah, what is that?
One of those gag papers
You guys had printed up?
[Scoffs]
Oh, "toxic spill
sends to hospital."
It's a nice touch.
Cheryl, we aren't doing
anything for your birthday.
Okay, we're not doing
anything for my birthday.
Stop it!
Okay,
I'll stop it.
Cheryl, see, this is why
better-looking guys
Didn't marry you.
There is nothing going on
for your birthday.
We can't throw you
a surprise party
Because you always
expect one.
That's no fun! That's why
I stopped trying to do it.
All right!
Okay!
Okay, I get it.
No party.
That's right.
But I'll probably
leave the house
For a few hours
on saturday afternoon,
Come back at, say, : .
That good for you?
Mommy, how old
are you gonna be?
How old was I last year?
.
Well, there you go.
Hey, sweetie,
wanna guess how old I am?
No.
Hey, you guys!
Hey!
I have some good news.
Oh, you moving
to another city?
No. I got a promotion.
In another city?
As of now, I'm only
five vice-presidencies
from the top.
Dana, that's great.
Yeah. I wish my boss
would give me a promotion.
I gave you a promotion.
Haven't you noticed you're not
paying for coffee anymore?
I still pay.
Well, it takes time
for the paperwork
to go through.
Anyway, my office is
throwing me a little soiree,
So if you can save this sunday,
that would be great.
[Laughs knowingly]
What?
Oh, that party
is for me,
and you know it.
No, cheryl, I really
got a promotion.
Oh, please.
You're terrible
at what you do.
[Telephone rings]
Hello?
Uh, yes, he is.
He's right here.
Me?
Yeah, it's
a lou whitaker for you.
Thank you.
Mm-hmm.
Hey, lou.
How you doin'?
Sure.
Chocolate raspberry.
Yeah, no,
thanks for calling.
All right. Bye-bye.
What was that about?
Uh, that's, uh,
lou from work.
He's the tile guy.
Oh, why'd you say,
"chocolate raspberry"?
Um, well, he's thinking
about becoming
a male stripper,
And he wanted to run
some stage names by me.
I see.
Cheryl, you know,
What my guys do
in their off time
Is none of my business.
Then why'd you make me
quit square-dancing?
Because you were
square-dancing.
Jim, would you please give
the girls a bath for me?
Why?
They smell fine.
Honey,
it's my birthday week.
Oh, it's
your birthday week,
So I gotta give
them a bath.
It's your
birthday week.
All right, girls,
come on.
But I just want you
to know, cheryl,
On my birthday week,
you gotta give me
a bath...
And I'm
a very dirty boy.
Thanks, honey.
Thank you.
You're gonna tell me
what he's doing
for my birthday
And you're gonna
tell me right now.
Oh, my god,
kyle's walking!
What?
Ah...ha ha.
All right.
Cut the crap.
Jim's been getting calls
from lance parrish,
jim rice,
Willie hernandez,
and now lou whitaker.
So?
They're obviously
code names!
Those are all players
from the american
league all-stars.
How would you know that?
There's a -year-old
sports illustrated
In the bathroom.
What's going on?
Well...
What?
Um...all right.
The truth is...
Cheryl: oh!!
Aaaah!
No! Oh! Aah!
Oh, god, no! Oh!
Tell me!
I don't know
anything!
[Prepares to spit]
Aaah!
All right!
The party's friday,
: , dress nice.
Friday? Why friday?
My birthday's on saturday.
He was trying to
throw you off.
Hah! Such an amateur!
Beer and wine?
I don't know
anything.
[Prepares to spit]
I swear to god!
All right!
Cash bar! Damn it!
I hate you!
Hey, is that
new lipstick?
Yeah, you like it?
It's great.
Isn't it good?
Yeah.
Cheryl: okay,
here I come.
All right...
How do I look?
Pretend I shaved my legs.
You look great!
Will you please
just go upstairs?
I'm getting
really nervous.
Don't worry. Jim said
he wouldn't be home
Till : tonight.
Okay...
Now check out
my surprise act
for the party.
[Gasps]
Oh! A surprise party!
Oh, I can't believe
you're all here!
[Gasping]
I'm not gonna cry!
I'm not gonna cry!
[Sobbing]
oh, yes, I am!
[Normal voice]
what do you think?
That's exactly
how you reacted
when I got you
Those salt
and pepper shakers.
Are you kidding?!
I love those!
Really?
No. See how good
I am?
Cheryl...
Wow!
You look hot!
Dana, get out.
Y-y-y-you're not supposed
to be home till : !
So what? I'll k*ll
an hour in the bathroom,
and it'll be : .
Wow, you look great.
You gotta shave
your legs,
but, uh...
What's
with the get-up?
Uh, i-i-i just like to
get dolled up for my man.
Yeah! Yeah, jim.
You work hard
all day.
You deserve it.
Cheryl's
a very lucky woman.
Don't I know it!
Welcome home, honey.
Yeah.
Welcome home!
You told her about
the party, didn't you?
No, I didn't.
Yes, you did!
You never kissed me,
not even at my wedding!
She was gonna
spit on me!
I knew I couldn't
trust you! You're weak!
What, are you scared
of a little spit?
Oh, if I was scared
of spit,
I wouldn't stand
this close
when you talk.
Oh, really?!
Yeah!
Well, you just sold me
up the river!
It's down the river,
idiot!
Oh, I'm the idiot!
I told you
she'd find out!
She always
finds out!
No! She found out
because you blew it!
You opened your big yap!
You know what?
I can never trust you
with anything ever again!
Fine!
Except the kids,
Because on sunday,
you're supposed to come over
And watch the kids
while cheryl's working out
and I'm still sleeping.
You can do that,
but nothing else!
Okay, you know what?
I'm sorry
I ever helped you
With your stupid party!
Oh, stupid party.
Well, guess what?
There isn't gonna be
a stupid party anymore!
It's over!
Fine by me!
One more night
I don't have to
watch you chew!
Oh, well, one more night
I don't have to look at you!
Dana,
wait, wait, wait!
Oh, no!
What did you do?!
What did I do?!
This is all your fault!
You couldn't just let it go!
You had to know, huh?!
Know, know, know --
nosy, that's what you are!
You're nosy! You're nosy!
You don't even need
the rest of your face!
Said the stomach
with feet.
Oh...oh,
that's very funny, cheryl.
Well, I hope you're happy
because now the party's over.
It's blown,
it's canceled.
No, no, honey,
honey, honey.
No!
Honey, I can act
surprised! Look!
Ohh!
Oh, that's awful!
Awful!
Hey, honey,
where are you going?
Well, you're gonna
find out anyway,
I might as well tell you.
I'm going to the kitchen.
Honey, honey.
Oh, sweetheart,
come here.
I feel terrible.
I wanna do
something.
What can I do?
It's too late.
You can't do anything.
Oh, come on.
Hey, you know what?
We'll have a party
just for us.
I'll do everything.
I'll make you a cake.
Ohh, I don't know.
What kind of cake
do you want?
I don't know.
How about a cake like the one
we had at our wedding?
A wedding cake?
Honey, that's got,
like, six tiers!
I'd have to
start baking now.
Well, cheryl,
you really messed up.
Fine.
And a moon bounce.
Yeah, right,
you're gonna
bounce up and down
In a moon bounce.
No...
You are.
Okay, cheryl,
maybe I was wrong
About that surprise face
you did.
Do it again.
Okay. Ahhhh!
That is really awful.
Only jim would miss
his own wife's
birthday party.
You sure he knows
the address?
Dana, he had
a plumbing emergency.
This is what it's
like being married
to a contractor.
You know,
it's like being
married to a doctor.
Yeah, a doctor
who can burp the alphabet.
How's your husband?
Oh, happy birthday!
Oh, the kids
are asleep.
I'm so sorry
I'm late.
It's okay.
Your dinner's in the oven.
Great.
So, what's the deal
with warming it up?
You turn on the oven.
Great!
You know what?
It's your birthday.
I'll do it.
Here, cheryl.
Ohh!
It's a veggie
sh**t-plus.
Wow!
It's like a g*n
that sh**t coleslaw.
Oh! Thank you.
Whoa.
Whoa! Why do you
smell like beer
and cigars?
Why are you wearing
bowling shoes?
[Laughs nervously]
This thing...
This thing is so tough,
yeah.
In the infomercial,
Robert urich drives
a jeep over it.
Where did you guys
go, andy?
I have no idea
what you're
talking about.
[Prepares to spit]
okay, okay!
We went bowling
with the bears.
What?!
Yeah!
Brian urlacher
was there.
Look, he signed me.
The whole team
could've signed that.
I can't believe
you blew off my birthday.
He's got one, too!
He's got one, too!
Andy, I was only gone
for seconds!
You wanna see him dance?
Dana, would you please
take the girls up
And give them their bath
and put them to bed?
Yeah, sure.
Thank you, sweetie.
But we want cake.
Oh, that is so cute.
Honey,
can you do that again?
But we want cake.
H-h-h-hey.
Here. Have it
in the tub.
Yay.
So, uh, we can eat
in the tub again?
That was the most
inconsiderate,
Thoughtless,
self-centered thing
you have ever done!
Ohh!
Video alone cannot
convey the tension
in this room.
Will you turn
that thing off?!
No, no, I want you
to keep it on,
Because I want her
to see that she
really does do this!
Oh!
Cheryl, come on.
This thing tonight was
a once-in-a-lifetime chance--
Bowling with the bears!
I mean,
it was for charity.
Don't you care about
helping those people?
Which people, jim?
Those people...
That got that problem.
You know, their insides
and stuff--whatever it is.
You know what I'm
talking about.
No! This was
my birthday!
It was important
to me!
Yeah?!
Yeah!
Well, if it wasn't
for your idiot brother
Not being able to
keep his yap shut --
Hey, hey, hey!
He is not an idiot!
No?
He's spineless!
Ouch.
And how about your sister?
Your sister
can't keep a secret!
If she could've kept
the secret, you know,
You could be enjoying
a surprise party tonight
In-in-in paris!
We were not going
to paris!
Well, you'll never find
that out now, will you?
Hey, hey, hey!
Why are you making
this my fault?
Why not?
I'm the one
Whose surprise party
got ruined!
Oh, you?!
I'm the one who had to make
my own birthday dinner!
Oh, fine! Fine!
Fine!
I will never, ever
throw another party,
Plan another party,
Go to another
party again
With you, for you!
Well, thank you!
You're welcome!
Maybe I'll actually have
a good time on my birthday!
Fine!
Fine!
Oh, yeah?!
Yeah.
Sh-uuuhh!
Could someone storm out?
We're dying here.
With pleasure!
Oh!
Okay, cut. That's a wrap.
Nice work, people.
Mommy?
Hmm?
Can we go with you?
Oh, no, sweetie.
This is a grown-up party
for aunt dana.
So I want you girls
to be really good
And listen to mrs. Bishop
when she's here, okay?
Okay?
We don't like her.
She smells
like corn.
Yeah. Well, your daddy only
wants to pay $ an hour
for babysitting.
Good-smelling
babysitters cost more.
All right, now I want you girls
to go get your snack,
And I'll put in your video,
okay? Excellent.
Jim: hey, girls.
Both: hi, daddy!
How are you, baby?
Jim, I thought
you were getting
dressed.
The sitter's
gonna be here
in minutes.
I'm not gonna go
to that dana thing.
What? Why not?
It's sunday.
"Alias" is on.
You can tape it.
Ah, it's not the same.
I like to enjoy it
with the rest
of the country.
Okay, jim, come on.
Don't--don't
do this, please.
I know, I know,
honey,
We're in a little bit
of a thing right now,
But-but...
But we can't cancel.
Dana is family,
and we promised
we'd go.
No, honey, you promised.
She's your family.
Oh, come on.
Oh, come on, cheryl.
Dana doesn't care
what's important to me.
You know, why should I care
what's important to her?
Because it's
important to me,
and I'm your wife.
I'm not making
the connection.
Fine.
Cancel the sitter
and stay home
with the kids.
Well, I love staying home
with the kids,
But why cancel the sitter?
Okay. You know,
I don't care
what you do.
I am gonna go out
and have fun.
I am going to eat
and drink and party
and flirt
Because
I just turned ,
And I am gonna act
like it.
Hey, I got wedding cake,
"alias," and mrs. Bishop.
The night belongs
to me, baby.
Uh, excuse me.
Yeah?
Um, I'm supposed
to meet a big group here
For a party for my sister.
Is this original eddie's
steak house?
Yes, but it's the other
original eddie's.
The original
original eddie's--
Way over
on the west side.
That's terrific.
Is the kitchen still open?
Yes, it is.
All right,
give me a scotch.
Ohh.
"Dear cheryl,
took your last $ .
"Needed lottery tickets.
Feeling lucky.
Love, jim."
That is so great.
I don't even have cash
to pay for my drink.
I'm in the wrong place.
You know, I have just
messed everything up.
I'm fighting
with my husband.
I almost spit
on my brother and my sister.
And I ate, like,
half a wedding cake.
I mean, this has just been
a horrible birthday weekend.
I hope is better.
Yeah.
You're ?
Yes, she is.
Surprise!
Surprise!
Surprise!
Gotcha. Gotcha, baby.
Gotcha, gotcha, gotcha.
I'm the master!
Oh, my god!
A surprise party?
Jim: uh-huh.
Ohh...
I was so mad!
Yeah?
[Crying]
and now I'm so happy!
And you!
I hated you!
I know!
I know, I know!
And now I love you!
Aw, cheryl!
We fooled you.
We fooled mommy.
Yes, you did.
Wait, so all this horrible,
selfish behavior
Was just an act?
Yeah, yeah,
the whole thing--
The argument
with dana,
And andy
spilling the beans.
The whole thing.
What about
your promotion?
Fake. I'm terrible at my job.
Isn't it great?
Ohh, honey!
See, cheryl,
you're way
too smart.
So in order to keep
you off balance,
I had to constantly
annoy you.
You've been planning
this since the day
we got married?
Hey, what about bowling
with the bears?
Oh, that was all
part of the plan,
Right, mr. Urlacher?
Hello.
Hi.
It's true.
The whole ruse was
A delicious exercise
in deception.
Now, where's the sick kid
I'm supposed to meet?
Uh, andy, the--
the sick kid...
Yeah, about that...
Oh, sweetheart,
thank you.
Oh, baby, I just
love you so much.
Oh, I love you more.
Now...
Yeah?
I want you
to remember--
Hey.
I want you
to remember
Next time
that you think
That I'm, like,
being selfish
Or dumb
or annoying...
Right.
Take a moment
to think,
"Is jim doing
this for me?"
Here, sit down.
Sit down.
Got something for you, baby.
Hey, you guys ready?
Let's do it.
Hey, jim, we're getting
paid for this, right?
You're playing
in a steakhouse.
What more do
you want?
Now, you think that i,
uh, blew your th birthday,
And you were
gonna have no fun.
Well, we all showed up
to give you props
For another turn
around the sun.
Now...
I may be potbellied, bald...
And a little grumpy...
But, cheryl, next to you,
everybody's gonna look lumpy.
So, hey, it's your birthday,
time to make a fuss
Because we all came
to say thank you
Because you, cheryl...
Are a gift to all of us.
♪ Happy birthday to you ♪
Happy birthday!
♪ Happy birthday to you ♪
All right!
Happy birthday!
♪ Happy birthday,
dear cheryl ♪
Give it up!
* Happy birthday to you *
♪ Ba-da ba-da ba-da ♪
♪ Happy birthday to you ♪
Happy birthday!
♪ Happy birthday to you ♪
All right!
Come on, baby!
♪ Happy birthday,
dear cheryl ♪
♪ Happy birthday to you ♪
[Guitar solo]
Okay, cup your hand
like this.
And put it
under your arm.
And let her rip!
[Farting noise]
Good job, brian.
Sounds like a fart.
That's how you know
you're doing it right.