01x02 - Little Black Dress

[bunniefuu]

[GRUNTS AND MOANS]

Brady!

- Yeah, ride me, cowboy!
- [LAUGHING]

[THUDDING]

[NEWS PLAYING ON TV]

[THUDDING CONTINUES]

Jesus... Can you hear them?

Eh, not that much.

You're lucky.

[TURNS UP VOLUME]

[PHONE RINGING]

Steve, the phone!

Who's callin' on the landline?

Hello... yeah.

- It's Carrie.
- Hello?

[SOBS]

Oh...

What do I do now?

I guess...

They take him away,

- and...
- No, I meant me.

- What do I do now?
- Oh honey, oh honey.

[SOMBER MUSIC PLAYING]

[SIGHS]

[HEARTBEAT THUMPING]

[GASPS]

You okay?

Oh.

It's my back.

Sometimes Big has to rub it.

Here?

Thanks. That's enough.

You sure?

[TYPING ON KEYBOARD]

[SERENE MUSIC PLAYS]

When you've come to the
end of the road together...

and it's time to say goodbye...

we can be there for you.

When you feel overwhelmed and lost,

and don't know which way to turn...

- Hey.
- ... we can be there for you.

- Get any sleep?
- Mm-hmm.

We can help turn these
difficult decisions...

into meaningful memories.

You don't have to walk this road alone.

- What is that?
- It's a funeral home sizzle reel.

Okay.

Well, um, I'm gonna make us some coffee,

and then, we'll figure out
what we need to do here.

No, you need to go home and
get some sleep before school.

Charlotte can come over
and help me figure this out.

I'm not gonna go to school
and leave you alone here.

- Where do you keep your coffee?
- CARRIE: I won't be alone.

Charlotte will be here,

and you have to go to school,
especially after that first day.

Well, we can talk
about that over coffee.

- Where's your coffee?
- It's in the freezer.

Okay... I'm gonna make us some.

Some what?

Coffee.

Mmm.

[DOOR CLOSES]

- We got so lucky.
- So, so, so lucky.

And I'm sorry about last night.

- Let's not pick at each other anymore.
- We won't.

It's stupid and petty and not important.

Y-You're all that's important to me...

And you're what's important to me.

- I love you.
- I love you, too.

All right. Let me get some coffee.

Are you wearing that cologne I hate?

Sorry. I heard myself. I did.

[QUIETLY]: I mean...

And this is the Hampton space.

Elegant, serene, understated.

It is the largest of
our five event spaces.

How many participants will
you be expecting, Mrs. Preston?

Oh, um... I, I hadn't
even considered that yet.

It's, it's fine. This
just happened, and...

we just haven't had time
to collect our thoughts.

You're our first stop,
and it's, it's new to us.

Understood. Have a seat.

Uh, Jane Hayes, our primary mortician,

will be in to continue on.

- Thank you.
- Thank you.

- What?
- He would hate it here.

We can look at the other rooms.

No, the whole place. It's just...

It's just... It's all wrong.

This place is about
old people and death.

The Hampton space...

- Gotta love the irony.
- Carrie, I'm so, so sorry.

If I hadn't forced you
to go to the concert

then you would've gone
to the Hamptons with Big,

and he would be alive right now.

[SNIFFLES] I just...

I feel like you think it's all my fault.

What? I don't think that.

Well, I do. I'm so sorry.

I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry.

Charlotte, he had a heart att*ck.

I know, I know, but if you hadn't

been at the concert, you
would've been with him,

and you would've, you
would've done something,

and then he would be alive now.

[CRYING CONTINUES]

- I'm Jane Hayes.
- Oh.

I am so sorry for
your loss Mrs. Preston.

I-I'm not Mrs. Preston.
She's Mrs. Preston.

I-I'm just her friend.

My apologies. I'm sorry for your loss.

Thank you very much for your time,

but I don't think this
is gonna work out here.

- Charlotte, let's go.
- JANE: I'm very sorry.

I walked in, and she was just so bereft.

- [CRYING LOUDLY]
- No, it's fine. It's fine.

Charlotte, up.

Would you rather another
mortician of ours handle this?

No, thank you. Charlotte, please
get it together and get up.

[SNIFFS] Yes.

Please!

Don't leave because of a
thoughtless mistake I made.

Jane, it's not you... It's me.

sh*t.

This is terrible. I feel awful.

I should be putting you in an Uber.

No, it's fine. Go home and lie down.

No, but just for an hour.
There's so much to do.

- Are you sure you're okay by yourself?
- I think I'd prefer it.

Call Miranda. Oh wait!
No, no. I can do that.

I'm doing it now!

Love you.

♪♪

♪♪

[INDISTINCT CHATTER]

Oh, sorry... Sorry.

DR. WALLACE: I, I just
need to find my ID.

It's in here somewhere.
It'll just be a second.

Sorry, sorry.

Please step to the side until you do.

No, no. It's, it's right here.

- I'm just...
- Uh, hello.

This is Professor Nya Wallace.

She teaches law here.

- You can let her through.
- Not without an ID I can't.

I, I can vouch for her.

Uh, here. I-I'm Miranda Hobbes.

I'm in her class.

Yeah, well, you ain't her.

Miranda, it's okay.
It's in here somewhere.

Just one more place.
If not, I'll step out.

- I'm sorry.
- I, I don't understand

why you're questioning her identity.

I'm not questioning her identity.

I'm waitin' for her to show me her ID.

Well, it's interesting

because you barely glanced
at mine when I went through.

- Could I have your name?
- No.

- Here it is, here it is.
- Thank you.

Come on through, Professor Wallace.

- Hi. I just had to say something.
- Did you?

- Excuse me?
- Did you have to say something?

Oh... one of the important
takeaways I got from

how to be an anti-r*cist
is if you see something

you have to speak on it.
You have to call it out.

Well, that's very noble of you, even
if a tad bit white savior complex,

but the reality is you just inflamed

a situation that was perfectly fine.

He needed to see my ID.
It was somewhere in my bag.

This isn't "To k*ll a Mockingbird."

I don't need a good-hearted
lawyer to defend me.

- I'm sorry.
- I appreciate it,

but it's not necessary to apologize.

We're all just here learning, right?

Speakin' of which, what is
happenin' with all these books?

It's all available online.
A Kindle weighs nothing.

I, I know, but I just,

actually, like to turn
the pages when I'm reading.

- You're old-school.
- [CHUCKLES]

[SIGHS]

Why does everyone wear black?

Well, it's a tradition,

and it just shows that we're
not happy and feeling colorful.

Yeah, I'm not feeling that happy either.

Oh, honey, come here.

I need both my girls.

We're all sad.

Death... it's a part of life.

It's the saddest part, but...

it's, it's also a really
important part...

because... [EXHALES]

it gives us a chance to remember...

how much our loved ones mean to us.

So, while it's sad...

it still can be beautiful.

Right? Right?

ROSE: Is Aunt Carrie all alone now?

CHARLOTTE: No, she has us.

Lisa Todd Wexley is here.
She said she's invited for lunch.

Oh my gosh, I forgot. I love you guys.

How we doin', Team Goldenblatt?

Charlotte, honey, don't worry
about me. I totally understand.

It just completely flew out of my head.

I mean, this whole thing has
just been a horrible shock.

I'm just a mess. I could
barely keep it together

- in front of the girls just now.
- I was the exact same way

when I lost my dad last year.

I could see my rings
literally shaking on my hands

while I was trying to
be so strong for them.

- It's hard.
- It's so hard.

Oh, honey.

Oh, it's all right. Oh, okay.

What was he even doin' on that bike?

It wasn't the bike, Steve.

He was on that bike for
over a thousand rides.

Still. It doesn't seem smart.

He, he had a heart condition.

He got the okay from his cardiologist.

Exercise is good for the heart.

Apparently not.

The bike was a mistake.

Why do you think you keep tryin'
to make this about the bike?

I don't know. I...

To make sense of it, I guess. I...

I can't believe he's gone.

Man... that sucks.

Agreed.

Death sucks.

Hey... Come here.

I'm good.

Well, we are not.

Come.

Hug your ma and me.

♪♪

You took the SD card, and
the sound quality is okay?

Okay. I'll see you in about minutes.

No, I know. I just wanna get
there before other people,

and make sure everything's
the way I want it.

Okay. Bye.

[SUBDUED MUSIC PLAYS]

♪♪

What a chic place for a funeral.

Trust me, it's the only
chic place for a funeral.

Thank God for these lesbians.

STANFORD: Oh my God.

There it is.

Are you okay?

I said no flowers.

I'll be right back.

I'm so proud of her.

With all she's going through,

pulling it together, and
giving us a look today

because people will be expecting it.

She's kind of our Jackie Kennedy.

Mm-hm, maybe don't say that to her.

Oh, I did already.

Mm-hm.

Hi. I need to speak
with Lila and Carmen.

Oh.

The flowers came right after we hung up.

We wanted you to at least see them,

so you could make an informed decision.

Now, we're totally onboard
with your vision, but...

that vignette is just so gorgeous.

I don't know.

Well, who's it even from?

- _
- [LIGHT MUSIC PLAYING]

They can stay.

♪♪

Carrie, everything is just beautiful.

The funeral director asked me
if I wanted to rent a coffin,

- you know, since he's being cremated.
- Right.

Big would never want to be in a rental.

He wouldn't even rent a car.

Did they pressure you to buy all that

collision insurance with those, too?

I was tryin' to be funny, and I wasn't.

- Well, everything's just perfect.
- Oh good.

I wanted it to be.

And you changed your
mind about the flowers.

No, they're from Samantha.

Oh, there's Gloria. Big's secretary.

- That's what she prefers to be called.
- Okay. Go, go.

Good.

It-it feels good, right?

It means a lot.

Yeah.

- How you doin', my love?
- Okay.

- Gloria.
- Oh, Carrie.

Carrie... how do you feel about hugs?

From you? Pretty darn good.

I always ask because I hate
to be pawed by strangers.

Well, you're not a stranger.

Oh, that's so sweet of you to say.

But it's true.

He always said,

"Gloria knows more about me

than I know about myself."

Oh wow. He was one of a kind.

He kept me on for years

when all the others got
rid of their old gals.

Bastards.

I mean the men, not the old gals.

- Wow, that's quite a dress.
- Thank you.

- I wanted to do him proud.
- Ha, mission accomplished.

Oh, go. You have all
these people to see.

I'm so sorry for your loss.

I'm sorry for our loss.

Go.

- Aw, thank you for coming.
- Of course.

- Che, you didn't have to come.
- Of course, I did.

It's someone you loved.

- That means a lot to me.
- Of course.

And if any trouble breaks out,

place gets a little rowdy,

you know how these
discreet funerals can be,

I got you.

I used to be a bouncer
at a d*ke bike club,

so that's some world-class bouncin'.

- Thanks for the laugh.
- Mm, technically, only a smile.

I'm a stand-up. I notice these things.

Thank you.

STANFORD: Oh, excuse me,
um, you're in my seat.

It's assigned seating in front.

Oh.

I see.

Yeah, that, that's me,
uh, right next to Carrie.

- I beg your pardon.
- Here, you can have my seat.

- I'll find a place in the back.
- Oh.

No, no, it's fine. Thanks so much.

I see plenty of chairs
with names on them.

- I'm sure you're there.
- I'm sure I am.

Hm.

What? I'm sorry.

I need to be at the
side of my best friend

during her husband's funeral,

and I need my husband at
my side on the other side.

Hi. Can I have a glass
of Chablis, please?

Oh, we're serving after the service.

Oh, that's okay. I'm family.

My husband sent over all
the liquor from his bar.

You know what?

Looking around, I'm not sure

we have enough wine for everyone,

so, maybe, save that,

and I will have a neat bourbon.

Super quick.

I'm speaking, and it's about to start,

so if you could, super quick. Thank you.

Thank you.

[QUIET CHATTER]

Oh, Miranda's speaking.

I would've liked to
have said a few words.

It's a funeral, not "The Moth."

How lucky...

How lucky we all are...

to have known this amazing man,

John James Preston.

How lovely...

to have shared dinners...

drinks, deals...

and, for some of us, cigars

with this one-of-a-kind.

How long...

it seems that we have known him...

How very long.

And yet, not near long enough.

How large...

he was...

in all of our lives.

He will leave a big...

hole.

And how sad...

how very, very sad.

But for today, let us remember...

how lucky.

[SOFTLY]: That was beautiful.

Carrie wrote it.

Good afternoon.

I've been asked to say
a few words about, um...

my baby brother.

When I spoke with John just last week...

he told me that he had never
been happier in his whole life.

And, well, I'd say that's...

the way to go out.

So, Carrie...

I thank you...

for giving him that.

["HELLO IT'S ME" BY
TODD RUNDGREN PLAYING]

♪ Hello it's me ♪

♪ I've thought about us
for a long, long time ♪

♪ Maybe I think too much
but something's wrong ♪

♪ There's something here
doesn't last too long ♪

♪ Maybe I shouldn't
think of you as mine ♪

[CRYING LOUDLY]

♪ Seeing you ♪

♪ Or seeing anything as much I do you ♪

♪ I take for granted
that you're always there ♪

Am I the only one that remembers
what a prick he was to her?

♪ I take for granted
that you just don't care ♪

♪ Sometimes I can't help
seeing all the way through ♪

♪ Think of me ♪

♪ You know that I'd be
with you if I could ♪

♪ I'll come around to
see you once in a while ♪

♪ Or if I ever need a reason to smile ♪

Ooh, Charlotte, can you walk Gloria out,

and just make sure she gets in a cab?

- Of course.
- Oh, that's not necessary.

Well, I know it's not,
but I'll feel better.

- I'll call you soon, okay?
- Well, when you're up to it.

There's a slew of papers
that we've gotta get through.

- All right, bye.
- Bye.

Carrie, I know, I know.

I lost my Bobby a year and a half ago,

so I know.

People said they knew how I was feeling.

[CHUCKLES] They didn't know, but I know.

It's still so fresh.

It's wonderful that you get
to see family and friends,

and, and make something
beautiful like this.

I lost Bobby so early in the COVID,

you couldn't see anyone.

No one even knew how to Zoom Shiva yet.

- Yeah.
- And if anyone would've loved

a big send-off like this,

it would've been my husband...

Mr. Broadway.

- Oh, oh, do you know Kevin Silberton?
- No.

- Bobby's pianist.
- No, oh.

- His orchestrator.
- H-How is that relevant

- today and here?
- KEVIN: Sorry for your loss.

Thank you.

He doesn't know...

I know.

- Carrie.
- Susan Sharon.

I didn't know you were here.

Oh, it's so nice of you to come.

Carrie... look at me.

I forgive you. It's over. In the past.

When I read the obit in the "Times,"

I said to myself, "Susan Sharon,

life is too short to hold a grudge."

Do you... You remember Miranda?

Sure. All of that's water

under the bridge, I guess.

So, I said to myself,

"Susan Sharon, let it go.

"Just f*ckin' let it go,

"and go to Carrie, and
make things right with her

- "whether she wants to or not."
- No...

I mean, I know you have a
lot on your plate right now,

and I'm not expecting an
apology or a mea culpa,

so just consider this your
"Get Out of Jail Free" card.

I love you. I'm back. The end.

And we can work this all out
when you have the bandwidth.

It was nice to see you again.

Yes.

[PIANO MUSIC PLAYS]

What happened between you two?

I have no idea. I was hoping you knew.

- I mean... Hey.
- Hey.

- How you holdin' up, huh?
- Oh, I'm fine, fine.

Do you need anything?

That Carrie. She's totally amazing.

Runnin' around, she's producin'
this whole thing, you know...

If it were you in that box,
I would be a total mess.

- She's not even cryin'.
- Yeah...

but is that a good thing?

It must be cool being like
a real, for-real comedian.

My buddy Sean makes these funny videos,

- but, you know, he's not a pro.
- Wow.

- Cool.
- [SHOUTS]: Brady!

[CLATTERS]

What do you think you're doing?

Down there. I'm talking to you.

- What do you think you're doing?
- CHE: Well, uh,

I'm pickin' up the pipe

that my man here threw to the ground.

He is not your man.

He is my son, and he is
not a man. He is a minor.

I could have you arrested.

Okay, so I was just standing here

minding my own business,
not corrupting a minor,

when he came over and
asked me for a hit.

- He's !
- Stop, you're embarrassing me.

No, you have embarrassed yourself.

Who the f*ck are you anyway?

Why are you even here?

What're you? Some kind of a, a

funeral pot pusher?

No, I'm not, but that is a great
idea for an untapped market.

- You think this is funny?
- Well, not yet, but...

gimme an hour or two, and I'll
work it into a solid tight ten.

Mom, Mom.

I don't know who you are...

or where you came from,

but, trust me, you
don't wanna mess with me.

And if you don't back the f*ck
up from us right f*ckin' now,

I'm gonna rip your g*dd*mn head off.

Okay, just chill, all right?

Slow your roll.

I have no intention
of slowing my anything.

This is my son that you are
getting high on God-knows-what.

Mom! It was just weed.

I, I felt sad. I needed a hit.

- Oh, you felt sad.
- Yes!

Maybe I should k*ll myself,
so you can try cr*ck.

Oh my God.

You're going home
with your father right now.

And no Luisa for a week.

Oh, okay, now you sound really crazy.

What did you say?

I said, um...

Where's Dad?

I'm gonna go find him.

Oh, Miranda, I want you to meet someone.

This is my podcast boss,

Che Diaz. Che...

this is my ride-or-die, Miranda.

- Hey.
- Nice to meet you.

Oh, sorry. I have to...
Anyway, excuse me.

Um...

- All I can say is...
- If you actually think

there are words that are gonna
make this less uncomfortable...

go for it.

Okay... I was, maybe, a little too...

No, don't. You were fine.

That, that was totally on me out there.

I didn't think his
age was even a factor,

probably 'cause I've been
smokin' weed since I was .

Why didn't you tell me who you were?

I just assumed that the
correct behavior when you're...

being accused of doing
inappropriate things

with a boy is to just walk away.

But, um...

honestly, it was very cool how
you protected him out there.

- [MIRANDA CHUCKLES]
- Yeah.

Well, thank you.

I guess I'm kinda like a mama bear

- when it comes to my kid.
- Mama bear?

- Honey, try papa bear.
- [BOTH LAUGHING]

Okay, like a big daddy
silverback papa bear like,

"Rawr!"

[BOTH LAUGHING]

Let's start again.

I'm Che Diaz.

- I'm Miranda Hobbes.
- Hi.

Um, Che as in Che Guevara?

Ah, [CLEARS THROAT]. Che as in
the first three letters of Cheryl.

Yeah, I dropped the "r-y-l."

I mean, do I seem like a Cheryl?

- No.
- Yeah.

And you don't seem like a Miranda.

- Oh?
- Yeah.

What do I seem like?

- A Rambo.
- [LAUGHS]

- Yeah, like... [IMITATES g*nf*re]
- Right, right.

[SOMBER MUSIC PLAYING]

Well... at least that's all behind me.

[ELEVATOR DINGS]

I guess this is what happens when
you request "No flowers, please."

What part of "no flowers"

do orchid people not understand?

I can take that lox to the synagogue

if it's still good in the morning.

- Yes, please do.
- [OBJECT THUDS]

["GOOD TIMES" BY CHIC
PLAYS OVER TINNY RECORDING]

♪ Leave your cares behind ♪

- ♪ These are the good times ♪
- [SOFTLY]: What the f*ck?

[LIGHT MUSIC PLAYING]

_

_

♪♪

[QUIETLY]: Oh, hi.

[CHUCKLES]

Aaaah! No, no! Get that
devil doll away from me!

[EXCLAIMING]

That devil doll's tryin'
to steal her sh*t!

Help! Give me my bag!

Ha! Take that, devil doll.

This sh*t's crazy.

Oh my God. I'm so sorry.

- Are you okay?
- I'm okay.

I, I, I... It was unclear to me

whether that was a white
savior moment or not.

Well, I, uh...

I think that was a "any kind
of savior will do" moment.

- What the f*ck was that?
- I have no idea,

but I'm telling you, a Kindle
would not have had the same impact.

[LAUGHS]

- Old-school.
- Old-school.

[LAUGHING]

♪♪

[DOOR BELL CHIMES]

Good afternoon. This was
just delivered for you.

Oh, thanks, Joe.

♪♪

_

Shouldn't they have called her first?

- I would think.
- Well, I was pretty out of it that day.

Maybe I checked a box that said,

"Please surprise me at home
with my dead husband's ashes."

[PHONE RINGING]

- Did I make these too strong?
- Not for this occasion.

Hello?

Oh... okay.

Thank you, Joe.

Charlotte's on her way up.

Stanford, you have to go and hide.

- Excuse me?
- If she sees you two,

she'll think I didn't call her.

Well, why would she think that?

- Because I didn't call her.
- Is something wrong?

You mean, besides the fact
that Big is in that box?

I didn't call her because she
tends to run a little emotional,

and this situation is emotional enough,

so, Stanny, can ya please go hide?

- Why can't Miranda hide?
- Because I'm not going to.

Listen, it's Miranda's
turn to sleep here.

- You're the outlier.
- I have a feeling I'm a bad hider.

It won't be that long, I promise.

I'll tell her that I'm
not in the mood to talk.

I'm depressed, which I am.

- Hey.
- Miranda's here. It's her night.

Hi.

Well, I just stopped by on my way home

because I went to the
good magazine place today,

and I brought you "British Vogue,"

"Spanish Vogue," and "Italian"...

Stanford?

- Where?
- He just like...

ran by in-into the bedroom.

Come out, Stanny.

Sorry, I went back for my martini.

I, I told you, I'm not a good hider.

Big's ashes came, and she was upset.

Okay... well...

Here are your magazines.
Have a good night.

Wait, Charlotte.

I was very upset when his ashes arrived,

so I called Stanford.

Please don't make this about you.

I'm trying really hard not to...

but it is pretty obvious

that you're mad at me because
I made you go to the recital.

There's no other possible reason

that you would call Stanford over me.

- Well...
- Just let it go.

Okay, the truth is, I didn't call you

because you get so emotional.

It's because I cried
at the funeral home.

- 'Cause you're crying now.
- I'm sorry, I'm sorry. It's just...

- You seem so mad.
- I am mad.

Mad at myself, not you.

I should've gone to the Hamptons

with Big on Wednesday night.

[YELLS]: Like I wanted to!

- Everything all right out here?
- Yeah, sorry, Phil.

Okay.

Go inside.

Oh!

Great... now I'm that neighbor.

You can't blame yourself,
Carrie. You can't.

You didn't know Big was gonna
have a heart att*ck that night.

And neither did you.

So, what's with the
white designer hoodie

on the old coot neighbor?

And that is why I would
call Stanford instead of you.

[RAIN FALLING]

- You okay?
- I'm never gonna fall asleep.

Can you give me another pill?

Not for another five hours.

- Sorry.
- [SIGHS]

[THUNDER RUMBLING]

[SUBDUED MUSIC PLAYS]

♪♪

CARRIE: And just like that...

I learned how long five hours can be.