(PANTING) Can't feel my hands.
(GRUNTS)
(PANTING)
Okay. Okay.
Okay. Okay.
(GRUNTS)
(CONTINUES PANTING)
(GRUNTS)
(GRUNTING)
Hey, Cheryl, check it out.
Guy at work gave me
a free turkey.
You're welcome.
(EXCLAIMS)
Oh, baby!
Okay. We all set?
Yeah. Yeah.
You give Cheryl the flowers.
Right.
And while she's
crying tears of joy,
I grab the kids,
take them out to dinner
and you and the missus
enjoy each other's "company."
(SCATTING SULTRY MUSIC)
What are you doing?
She's your sister.
Oh.
Yeah. Um...
Oh...
Hit me.
Okay.
Oh, Cheryl,
your lover boy is home.
Wow!
Wow!
Cheryl, what's going on here?
Hey, sweetheart.
It's a PTA meeting.
It was gonna be
at Julie's house
but she's really sick, fever.
Oh.
I thought childbirth had
toughened you people up.
(AWKWARD LAUGHTER)
Well, okay, I'm home now,
so you ladies can go.
Oh, well, actually we still
have a lot to cover.
We're planning
the Thanksgiving play.
(BOTH LAUGHING)
Well, come on, Cheryl.
We're going upstairs.
Try not to listen and lock up
when you're done. Come on.
Honey, this is Bobbi Coker,
president of the PTA.
Hi, Jim. We met last year
at the Spring Fair.
I'm so sorry I had to kick
you out of the moon bounce.
Well, you could've put up
a sign that said,
"For kids only."
Well, actually, we
thought that was implied
by the giant clown head on top.
Well, uh, tomorrow night,
: , the auditorium.
And, Jim, thanks so much
for volunteering
to build the sets for us.
Who did what, where?
For who? What?
Honey, remember how we
talked about it. When?
And I was like,
"Oh, honey, it would
"be so great for everybody.
" And you're like,
"Oh, honey, I'd love to.
I've got my own tools and everything."
And I was like, "Oh,
honey, that's great."
We'll be back in just a second.
Cheryl, how could
you volunteer me
to build sets without
even asking me?
Jim, the subject came up
and everybody knows
you're in construction.
What was I supposed to do?
You can't volunteer someone
without asking them, okay?
Jim, you gotta do it.
All the other husbands
are helping.
I don't care what they do,
honey. Really.
I am an island.
I stand alone.
By the way, Island,
your fly's down.
You know what this is about.
You're obsessed
with being liked.
Oh, no, I am not.
JIM: Yes, you are.
You stop at stop signs.
You pull over for ambulances.
Come on.
That is ridiculous.
This is all about you
getting in good
with Bobbi Coker
and that PTA posse.
Oh, well, fine. I wanna be liked.
I'm insane. Lock me up.
Jim, put the colander
in the sink.
Cheryl...
Cheryl, come on.
I haven't seen you
for two weeks.
You've been busy every night.
When is this Thanksgiving
thing gonna be over?
You know, traditionally,
after Thanksgiving.
Come here.
I just wanna be alone
with you, you know.
Just wanna reconnect.
(LAUGHING)
Oh, honey! Me too.
You know, I actually
really miss you.
Oh, you know what?
I miss you, too. Ohhh.
See, I got you flowers.
What do you think that says?
I know.
Oh, you stopped by a
cemetery on your way home?
We're never alone
in this house.
We're never alone.
We're never alone.
We can't connect when we're not alone!
Honey, honey...
Honey, soon. Soon, Jim.
I promise you.
Honey, would you please help
me with the sets? Please.
All right.
Okay.
But I want a plaque put up
somewhere that I did this.
(LAUGHS) Okay.
And I want it to say,
"James."
Oh...
BOBBI: Cheryl, we're
out of refreshments.
Oh! That's my thing.
Okay, so dinner's ready.
I folded the laundry,
gave the kids a bath
and now I have a date.
Oh, my God. I'm turning into
Alice from The Brady Bunch.
Well, son, looks like
just you and me, huh?
Uh-oh.
I know that face.
That's "I've got a poop" face, isn't it?
(SNIFFS)
Can you eat with
that in your pants?
You know, guys, I'm looking
over this Thanksgiving play
and it's loaded
with inaccuracies.
I'm seeing happy pilgrims
and singing Indians.
You know what I'm not seeing?
The truth.
Yeah. Where's the betrayal
of the Native peoples
and the raping of their land?
We're not doing that.
Oh. Right. Let's perpetuate
the white man's lie.
Well, well, well.
I've found myself
a couple of little worker
bees here, haven't I?
Buzz, buzz, buzz.
Right, Jim?
(CHUCKLES) I'm not
gonna buzz, Cheryl.
Cheryl, I was talking
with Nancy Dibbs yesterday.
You know, she can be quite a
chatterbox when she's sober.
And we were thinking
that next year
you should run for treasurer.
Me? I don't have
any experience.
Well, you don't
really need any.
You just come to the meetings,
tell us how much we've raised
and then we all go to the mall.
I could do that.
Okay, everybody, quitting time.
Let's have drinks
at PJ O'Tuttlepool's!
You coming?
Oh, uh, you know what?
I think I'm gonna
finish up these trees here.
We're gonna stick around.
We're kind of in
a groove, you know?
We are?
Yeah, yeah.
I want the plaque, baby.
Oh, I guess we're staying.
Okay, well, lock up.
(GIGGLES)
Nancy, why don't
you ride with me?
Okay, I'm out of here.
I'm gonna throw back
some fuzzy navels
with the g*ng at O'Tutt's.
Uh, yeah, Bobbi.
Look, I'm not happy with the
direction of this script. Um...
I'm gonna have to insist you
take my name off the program.
Well, your name isn't
in the program.
(CHUCKLES) I see.
This is all one big joke on Andy.
Who's Andy?
This is nice.
Yeah.
Finally being alone, huh?
(CHUCKLING) Yeah, it is.
Hi, I'm Jim.
Oh. Cheryl.
It's good to meet you.
Nice to meet you.
Yeah, you're looking good.
Well, thank you.
Hey, you know what this
reminds me of? What?
Remember that apartment
you had on Sheridan?
And we painted it in one day.
Yeah, oh, and then
we ordered takeout
and ate it by candlelight.
Yeah.
Ohhh...
I still think you could've
whipped something up.
Oh, come...
But it was great.
It was great.
(JIM EXHALES)
Man, this is nice, huh?
Yeah, it is.
Us alone, together.
(EXHALES) Yeah.
And you with those convenient
loops on your pants.
(LAUGHING)
Ohhh...
JIM: Ohhh...
Baby, I love being with you.
Ohhh, you too.
(JIM KISSING)
Hey! Honey! Jim!
What?
This is a school auditorium.
This is where Ruby got her Citizen
of the Month ribbon. Oh...
That's so sweet.
Now let's lose the pants. Oh!
Jim!
What?
Come on!
I'm just being spontaneous. No.
When was the last time
we were spontaneous?
Oh, excuse me?
Who ordered Gosford Park on
pay-per-view at the drop of a hat?
(CHUCKLES)
Oh, that's right.
That was you. Yes.
And now the strong,
young cable man
is at the door
demanding payment.
And me without my checkbook.
(LAUGHS)
How will I ever settle up?
(BOTH SCATTING SULTRY MUSIC)
(GIGGLING)
You know, I don't know, Jim.
(SHUSHES)
Call me Brock.
Thanks. It must've
fallen out of my pocket.
I'll just be a second.
(SCREAMING)
(SCREAMING)
(BOTH SCREAMING)
(SCREAMS)
Come on, Bobbi.
Would you get off the phone?
Cheryl, will you put
that damn thing down?
Do you know why it's busy?
'Cause Bobbi Coker's
calling everybody
and telling them how we
defiled Plymouth Rock.
Oh!
Like the pilgrims
didn't fool around.
Where do you think all
these Americans came from?
(DIALS)
Okay, okay, you know what?
You know what?
We'll move to a new town
and start over.
People do that.
We're not moving.
Maybe you haven't noticed,
but I don't make
friends easily.
Come on. She saw us.
It's gonna be all over town.
Do you know what people
are gonna say?
Same thing they always say,
"What's she doing with him?"
Oh, oh, oh, I see. I see.
Is it joke time? Are we joking now?
We didn't do anything wrong.
Come on. We're married.
I don't care what Bobbi Coker
thinks or anybody else.
I do. I just...
I can't believe you don't.
I don't. I don't need
to impress anybody.
It just kind of happens.
(SIGHS)
You know,
this is all your fault
with your fancy tool belt
and your saucy role playing.
If you had brought
your checkbook,
this never would've happened.
Come on.
Why don't I go
call Bobbi again?
Fine. Give her my best.
(DIALING)
Actually, she's
already seen my best.
Hey.
Dana, are you wearing
Cheryl's wedding dress?
Mmm-hmm.
So, this is officially
a new low for you, huh?
Mmm-hmm.
Uh-huh.
Okay.
Well, I finally got
a hold of Bobbi.
She was really cool about it.
I told you it wasn't
a big deal.
I know. I know.
She promised she
wouldn't tell anybody.
Good.
Yeah.
Dana!
What?
What...
Feet off the couch.
Wait. Tell anybody what?
(EXCLAIMS)
Bobbi Coker and Andy
walked in on us
being together maritally.
At school?
Yeah.
Man, you guys are
a couple of freaks.
Yeah, we're the freaks.
Andy, I called you.
Why weren't you at work today?
Because I saw you naked
last night with my sister.
Andy, we're married.
We have three kids.
And here's some news for you,
none of them came
from the first try.
Great. Super.
I'm gonna go fire a nail
g*n into my forehead.
Hey, Greg.
How're you doing?
Oh, hey, Jim.
Haven't seen you since
the girls' soccer match.
Oh, yeah. Sorry about running
on the field like that
but somebody had
to score a goal.
(BOTH LAUGHING)
So, how you doing
since the, you know,
divorce? You all right?
Well, it was bad for a while
but let me tell you,
I love being single again.
It's unbelievable.
Really?
Oh, yeah.
I'm getting more action
than a broken slot machine.
That's great. Great.
I don't mean to rub it in.
I know what it's
like for you members
of the Same Old, Same Old Club.
Hey, Greg.
You got it all wrong.
I mean, my marriage
is totally hot.
My wife and I are
crazy for each other.
Please. You don't
have to put on
the "married people
are wild" show,
'cause I had a front-row seat
for the last seven years
and I fell asleep.
Well, let me
tell you something,
if you were here last night
sitting in that front row,
you would've been
wide awake and cheering.
What're you talking about?
I'm talking about last night.
Me and the missus. Right here.
Making Plymouth rock.
Get out of here.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
It was married, it was wild.
Happy Thanksgiving, my friend.
Whoa! A public place.
That's pretty gutsy.
Well, we do it all over
the place, you know.
Restaurants. Airports.
The zoo.
Nice.
Where at the zoo?
Well, you know,
a gentleman never tells.
But I'll tell you one thing.
If those pandas
don't breed this year,
it's not from not knowing how.
Okay, it's
the first Thanksgiving
and you turn to the
pilgrims and you sing...
(RUBY AND GRACIE SINGING
THANKSGIVING SONG)
Welcome to the New World.
Please don't k*ll us
and steal our land.
Um...
Wait. Where did you get
that from, Gracie?
Uncle Andy put it in.
He said we had to send
a message to whitey.
"Whitey"?
(DOORBELL RINGING)
Why don't you girls run up
and get changed for dinner?
DANA: Okay.
(CHUCKLES)
Bobbi! Hi! What a pleasant
surprise. Come on in.
Yeah. I just came by
to let you know
we're letting you and Jim go.
What?
Well, I would've called but
this is much more personal,
isn't it?
(STAMMERING) Yeah. How could you let us go?
The sets aren't done.
Well, the committee
isn't so concerned
about the sets getting done
as they are about what's
getting done on the sets.
Do people know?
Bobbi, you promised
you wouldn't tell anybody.
I didn't! I swear.
But it's all over the school.
Someone did.
(GROANS) This is not happening.
Listen, Cheryl,
we've all been guilty
of severe lapses in judgment.
It's just yours is
so much worse
because it happened in such a
wholesome, innocent place.
You gotta understand,
Jim and I,
we're not wild like that.
It was just like
a onetime thing.
Oh, come on, Cheryl,
we all know about the zoo.
The zoo?
I'm sorry, but
this administration
cannot afford a scandal.
I will not go back to baking
cookies and serving punch!
(WHIMPERING) I've come too far.
Wow, Cheryl, you and
Jim went to the zoo
and they let him out?
Oh...
Jim and I didn't
do anything at the zoo.
I just can't figure out where
they'd get that idea. DANA: Hmm.
Hey, baby. What's up?
Ooh! Mad eyes. Mad eyes.
Mad eyes at Dana.
Oh! Right.
Jim.
JIM: Yes?
Did you say anything to anybody
at school that might
give them the idea
that we were more than just
casual visitors at the zoo?
Cheryl...
I'd like to renew
our wedding vows.
You know,
we'll invite some friends,
we'll register for gifts,
it'll be beautiful.
Why the hell would you tell
people we did all that stuff?
Oh, it was that Greg,
that loudmouth!
He was mouthing off about how
we were boring married people.
I was just defending us and
the institution of marriage.
By telling them we did it
behind Plymouth Rock?
Can you think of
a better example?
Clearly you did.
The zoo.
Well, that was
kind of a stretch.
I was thinking about the time,
you know, the dog was
under the bed.
(EXCLAIMS
IN FRUSTRATION)
Well, our house is like a zoo.
I mean, there's people
running around all the time.
We're never alone!
So, basically...
Yes?
...you started bragging
because you didn't like
the way Greg saw you.
Of course!
I see.
So you were just worried about
what he thought of you.
Yes!
Uh-huh.
Oh, crap!
Yeah, honey.
Whatever happened to,
(IN DEEP VOICE) "I'm an island.
I stand alone."
I don't talk like that.
Oh, yes, you do.
That's not even the point.
The point is I would never
sell out your reputation
to beef up my own.
Cheryl, I wasn't
trying to hurt you.
(SIGHS)
It was just a guy thing.
Come on, honey.
Well, Jim, thanks to
your guy thing,
I can't show my face
at my own kids' school.
You know, Jim, I really
enjoyed working
on that Thanksgiving play.
Well, so did I.
Well, now the audience is
gonna look up at those crappy,
unfinished sets
and they're gonna
open their programs
and they're gonna see my name.
Cheryl.
What?
If anybody asks,
we had a quickie in a hot
air balloon last week.
Cheryl, I am
very miffed at you.
Bobbi, don't worry.
I'm just picking up my paint brushes.
I'm not gonna sleep
with anybody.
No. I'm miffed at you
because you didn't tell me
how spectacular you are.
(GIGGLES)
(GASPS)
Wow!
You must've stayed up all
night to get this done.
Oh, well...
I'm so sorry I let you go.
Would you consider
being in charge
of our Christmas pageant
this year?
The Christmas pageant?
Mmm-hmm.
Well, I thought that was only
for the fifth-grade moms.
Our first meeting is backstage
right after
this turkey is over.
Pun intended.
(GIGGLES)
Oh, uh...
You know, actually, um...
I really don't want to take on
another big job right away.
You know, the truth
is I miss my family.
Oh!
Yeah.
Well, then I guess you don't
want to be treasurer that badly?
(SIGHS)
I guess not.
Well, if at any point you
decide to change your mind,
it's too late.
Okay, everybody, let's take ten.
Fifteen for board members.
(LAUGHS)
(SNORING)
Hey, Jim.
Hey, wake up.
Hey.
Hey!
(LAUGHS) Hey.
Oh, honey.
I thought you just got up
early to go to work.
I can't believe you were
here all night doing this.
Oh, well, you know,
Andy did help.
Yeah.
Then we snuck into
the principal's office
and said naughty things
on the PA.
(LAUGHS)
Honey, you did an
amazing job on the set.
Well, thank you.
Oh, amazing.
You know, when people
open the program tonight
and see your name,
I want them to say nice
things about you.
Ohhh... Thank you.
But, honey,
would you do me a favor
and not tell people
what we do in the privacy
of our own public school?
Okay.
From now on
I'll just brag about
how I have you as a wife.
Okay.
Not how I had you as a wife.
(LAUGHS) Thank you, honey.
Hey, did I leave my hammer...
Oh, for Pete's sake!
At least hang a feather
outside the teepee
so people know you're in here.
Get out!
And Samoset told the pilgrims
he would help them
hunt and fish
and survive in the New World.
If only he knew he had just
signed his death warrant.
It's a gutsy script, Andy.
Oh, thank you.
Wait till they see my
black Jesus at Christmas.
Oh! Oh!
(ANDY MUMBLING)