JIM: "And Little Red
Riding Hood said,
(IMITATING RED RIDING HOOD)
"'Grandma, what big eyes you have.'
"And the wolf said,
(IMITATING WOLF) "'The
better to see you with.'"
Daddy, can you read it
without the voices?
Why? I thought you
loved the voices.
We're big girls now.
Oh. That's right.
You're big girls now. That's okay.
Well, you're big enough now to
check under your beds yourself
for the monsters, then, right?
BOTH: We're little girls!
We're little girls!
(EXCLAIMS)
Oh, baby!
Oh, this place looks fabulous.
(EXCLAIMS) Relax, revitalize,
rejuvenate at the
Fairmark Hotel and Spa.
Would you look at
those mineral baths?
Mmm. Don't they look amazing?
That could be you, Cheryl.
(SIGHING)
(COUGHING) Oh, man!
You know, without the good-looking guy there.
(CHUCKLES) Oh.
Well, I have just completed
my best all-time nap.
Better than college?
Yes.
Honey.
Yes?
Dana was just showing me
this brochure for these
incredible romantic getaways.
Oh, honey. We don't have to
get away to be romantic.
We've been romantic
in the bedroom.
We've been romantic
in the kitchen.
We've even had romance
in that chair.
Oh, for God's sake!
Honey, come on!
What?
We never go away, just you
and me without the kids.
(EXCLAIMS) Oh, please!
Milwaukee?
My father's funeral?
Yes.
I'm sorry, honey.
I find it hard to remember.
I was crying the whole time.
Yeah, well, we both
got through it together.
You were doing cannonballs
in the hotel pool.
Everybody grieves in
their own way, Dana.
Mommy, the truck's here. Oh!
My couch is here.
My couch is here.
Okay. See there, I just
spent $ on a couch.
So, every time you sit down, it's
like taking a little mini vacation.
Oh!
(MEN CHATTERING IN
RUSSIAN)
Okay. Okay.
CHERYL: You love it?
I love it. JIM: Yeah.
(MEN GRUNTING) I just love it.
That's it. Right there. Wow!
(EXCLAIMS) That's even more
beautiful than I remember.
I know, but I'm gonna
miss this old thing.
We made Kyle on this couch.
(EXCLAIMS)
I'm just going to sit on the stairs.
Are they safe?
Which one?
(GROANING)
All right.
New couch rule number one.
No liquids near
the couch, ever.
How about solids and gases?
Honey, kids.
What? The kids
don't get that.
Did you get that?
It's a fart joke, right?
(MEN CHATTERING)
JIM: Whoa! Whoa! Whoa!
Wait a minute! Wait a minute!
Wait a minute!
We didn't order a second couch.
CHERYL: Okay. No, no.
No, no, no.
This is a mistake.
No, no. No, no. Oh, no.
I ordered one couch.
One, guys. One.
CHERYL: One. One.
Two. One, two. Two.
(STUTTERING) No. Honey, I don't
think they understand English.
Here. Here's a language
everybody understands.
Is that a one dollar bill, Jim?
Yes. Dana, in
their country,
this can clothe and feed
an entire village for a year.
Okay. Couch. Away.
Take second couch away.
Away.
Away.
Away.
Away.
Away.
MEN: Away. Away. Away.
Honey, honey, they're leaving.
No, no.
I gave them a whole dollar.
They're probably going
out to get bread.
That's their way
of saying thank you.
(TRUCK ENGINE STARTING)
(TRUCK DRIVING AWAY)
Yeah. They're gone.
Well, they probably went to go
clothe and feed their village.
Man!
This is a comfortable couch.
Makes me wish I had two asses.
Don't give up on the dream.
(DOORBELL RINGING) Mmm...
Damn! I got to
figure out a way to
bring this door
closer to my chair.
Hello. Hello. Hello. No.
No. (MOVERS CHATTERING)
Jim, what's going on?
I thought you called Couch
Emporium and told them to
take back the second couch.
No, no. I did.
I did. No, no, no. You were supposed
to take the second couch away,
not bring us another one.
Wait, wait. No, no.
(SPEAKING IN RUSSIAN)
No, no, no, no.
Take. Take.
JIM: Take.
You take.
You take. Take.
CHERYL: You take.
You...
Oh. Thank you.
Thank you. Thank you.
Andy, Andy, Andy.
Grab the other side of that.
We'll take it to the truck ourselves.
All right.
Andy, what are you
doing? Come on.
The last time I lifted something
heavy without stretching,
I threw out my back.
You feeling me?
Come on.
(YELPS)
(GASPS)
Andy? Are you okay?
ANDY: Don't try
and move me.
Deal.
(TRUCK ENGINE STARTING)
Hey! Get back here!
No! Don't wave
and smile.
I'm mad at you.
That's it. That's it.
I'll show them.
We'll keep the couches.
(LAUGHS) Oh, Jim.
You can't keep the couches.
They'll charge us for them.
Well, they can't charge us.
I didn't sign anything.
No, no. That doesn't make it right, Jim.
They're still not ours.
Honey, we tried to
give it back to them.
They don't want them.
In my book, that's a gift.
I can't believe you'd
even suggest that.
Is that the example you
want to set for our kids?
Darn right, it is.
I want to show
Corporate America,
don't mess with
Jim Q. Public.
Because if you do, I'm going
to keep your damn couches.
And just maybe,
maybe, one day, our kids
will grow up in a country
where this nightmare
will never happen again.
The nightmare
of too many couches?
From sea to shining sea.
You know what, honey?
Just call the company.
Fine. Fine. I thought we had
the same vision of America.
I guess I'm wrong.
CALL WAITING:
Please don't hang up.
Your call is important to us.
Remember, at Couch Emporium,
you are our most
valued customer.
WOMAN: (ON PHONE) Couch Emporium.
May I help you?
Yes. Hello. Hello.
I have been on hold
for minutes.
You cannot do that
to me, because I'm...
I'm...
I'm a celebrity.
Martin Sheen.
(STUTTERING) Listen.
Here's the thing.
You guys put on my credit card
the one couch I bought,
but you credited me
with three couches.
No, no, no.
Don't transfer me.
I'm trying to give
you money back.
(MACHINE WHIRRING)
Hello? Hello?
Who would have thought
buying a couch
would be so complicated?
It's a cautionary tale.
Do you know what?
I'm just going to keep the money.
I'm going to keep the money.
Jim!
Why not?
You know Cheryl would
never go along with that.
(SCOFFS)
You know what?
She'd go along with it
if I took her on one of
those romantic getaways
she's been yapping about.
Doubtful.
No.
No, no. Hey, you know
when we were kids,
we collected money for UNICEF.
She actually called the UN
to see if the money went
where it's supposed to go.
She's good to the bone, Jim.
Yeah. Yes, she is.
I'm planning on getting into
heaven with Cheryl, plus guest.
What are you doing?
What are you doing?
Oh, my back still hurts.
Can you walk on it for me?
Yeah.
Hey.
I know a way around
the money thing.
How?
Nah.
It would require
you lying to Cheryl.
Well, just for fun.
What might that lie be?
Tell her you got it from
the Johnson remodel.
We didn't do a Johnson remodel.
Or did we?
I seem to recall
a pretty hefty bonus
for finishing the job
ahead of schedule.
Yeah. That's right.
That's right.
That guy was so happy,
that he offered
to take us on his
private yacht around the world.
Yeah. Let's keep
it simple, Jim.
Keep it simple.
All right. You ready? Bring it.
All right.
Here we go.
(EXCLAIMING)
Oh, yeah! Oh!
Oh, okay. Right there.
That's the spot.
Oh, right there.
(EXCLAIMING) Grind it, baby.
Grind it.
That's it. That's too weird.
Thank you.
(EXCLAIMING) Oh, my God!
I'm loving it!
I love this room.
(EXCLAIMING) I can't believe this!
Oh, my God! This is incredible.
Isn't this great?
Wait!
Look at this view!
Oh, honey! Honey!
Fresh flowers! Fresh flowers.
Fresh flowers?
Be careful.
(LAUGHING) Honey!
Honey! Look at this.
The remote.
It's not even bolted down.
(LAUGHING)
Hey! No mirror.
(PHONE RINGING)
Yes. CHERYL: Hey. It's me.
Guess where I am.
(LAUGHING) Where?
In the bathroom,
next to the fridge.
(BOTH LAUGHING)
Honey, this place is amazing.
It must have cost a fortune.
Yes, yes, it did,
but, thank God, that bonus
came in just in time, huh.
Boo!
(EXCLAIMS)
(BOTH LAUGHING)
This place is huge!
I didn't even see you.
I still don't remember you
doing a Johnson remodel.
Yeah. Right.
I'm lying, Cheryl.
I woke up this
morning and I said,
"You know, I'm going
to lie to my wife today.
"Make my life
go easier."
Shut up!
Oh, honey.
Oh, you are the best,
the absolute best.
Okay. Okay. Save it
for the Jacuzzi.
(EXCLAIMS) The Jacuzzi.
You got to see the Jacuzzi.
(MOANING)
Oh, yeah. Oh!
Dear, you're terrific.
You got magic fingers.
Hey, Cheryl, I'm feeling
a little guilty because
I'm probably getting
a better massage.
Jim, for the last time,
I'm not trading.
(JIM GRUNTING)
Okay, we done.
Okay, Olga.
Thank you.
You know what, you nice ladies,
I'm going to give you a $ tip.
Oh. Well, I've never
done that sober.
(LAUGHING)
Thank you,
Mr. Jim.
I bring you bread.
Can you believe we
just got massages?
(LAUGHING)
Oh, honey, you know,
I got to tell you,
you're very sexy when
you spend money.
Really?
Yeah.
Tell me, are you as filthy
as you are filthy rich?
Well, that depends
who's asking.
Well, who do you
think is asking?
I think that...
I'm asking?
All right. I'm not sure where
we're going with this,
so I'll be back in a minute,
and why don't you
uncork the bubbly?
Maybe I will.
Depends who's asking.
All right.
You know what,
we're passed that.
Would you just open the champagne?
(KNOCKING ON DOOR) Yeah.
Oh! I hope that's my pedicure.
(LAUGHS) Hello.
Hello, sir.
I'm Tom Mist.
I am the general manager.
Oh, hi, Tom.
Come on in.
I'm afraid there is a problem
with your credit card.
Oh, you see what happens, I
carry it in my back pocket,
and it probably wore off
that magnetic strip.
You know, I mean, I sweat
like a pig back there.
(CHUCKLING)
Yes. The Sultan of Brunei
said the same thing.
(LAUGHING)
I'm afraid you've reached
your credit limit.
That's impossible. I know I have a
$ credit on my credit card.
(EXCLAIMS) Damn.
The couch people.
It's the couch people.
They did it.
Are the couch people here now?
No, no, no.
You see, they accidentally gave me
$ of credit on my credit
card, and they must have
found that mistake
and reversed it.
That's what happened.
(CHUCKLES) Yes. Well...
Perhaps you'd like
to use another card?
Well, yeah.
But, you see, Tom,
you remember there was
that coup in Switzerland.
(STUTTERING) And they
froze my assets
in the city of Switzerland.
Obviously, you're very wealthy.
Well, yes. Yes.
But unless you can find
another form of payment,
please vacate
the suite by : .
That would be : a.
m. in Switzerland.
Oh, it's minutes.
How's the bill?
$ for a bottle of water.
$ for orange juice!
$ for a facial.
Man! Why did
I get that facial?
Honey. Honey.
Honey!
(CHUCKLING) Hello, baby.
Have I told you how
much I love this robe?
It is so yummy and plush.
Hey, hey.
I want to be buried in it.
Okay. Okay.
Honey.
You haven't opened
the champagne.
Do we really need that?
I mean, can't we hang out
for a couple of hours
without the booze.
(CHUCKLES) Well, Honey...
Oh, okay!
I mean it.
I thought it would be fun to
sip champagne while
we sit in the Jacuzzi.
And, well, you know what?
(STUTTERING) I don't know.
This lifestyle here has really corrupted you.
Isn't it great?
Corrupt me more.
(MOANING)
(EXCLAIMS) Hey! You know what...
You know, hey...
I can't do this. I'll just be
thinking of Olga the whole time.
Let's go.
Honey! Come on.
Come on. Let's go.
What is wrong with you?
Nothing.
Everything's fine.
(STAMMERING) Well,
honey, I just...
I just offered myself to you
(STAMMERS) and you
want to go home.
Something is wrong.
No!
I'll be honest with you, honey.
I think I left the stove on.
I miss the kids.
Jim! You know I can't
poop when I'm away.
I gotta go. I gotta go back.
I gotta go home.
What did you do?
Okay. All right. This is not an
all together funny story, okay.
But there are some funny parts.
I really encourage you to laugh
at the funny parts, okay.
Uh, you know the money we've
spent on this weekend...
Mmm-hmm.
Uh...
It didn't come from
the Johnson job.
What?
(LAUGHS) Here's the funny part.
There wasn't a Johnson job.
Actually the money came
from the Couch Emporium.
They charged us for one couch,
but they credited us
for three of them.
So, I've been spending
that money instead.
But, you know what happened.
Couch Emporium found out
the mistake and they took the
money back, and so now...
(LAUGHING) That's the
funny part, you know.
So, that's pretty
funny, isn't it?
So, you've been paying for our
weekend with somebody else's money?
Yes. That's why it
was light, sexy, fun.
Now that it is on my
dime, we're going.
Actually, if we're not out
of here in minutes,
they're going to charge us for
another night of this hotel.
Well, I'm not paying that.
(GRUNTS)
(MUTTERING) What?
What?
Are you okay with this?
(EXCLAIMING) What do
you want me to say?
What do you want me to say, that
I'm happy that you deceived me,
that it's okay to spend
money that isn't ours?
Well, that would be cool.
Oh, come on, honey.
You wanted to get away.
We got away for one night.
So what? Come on.
(STUTTERING)
Do you know why it meant so
much to me that we got away?
Because...
Look at me.
I thought you were
spending our money on us.
Because you thought
we were worth it.
(SIGHING) Oh, honey,
I love you like crazy. Oh!
But nobody is worth
a $ bag of nuts.
(GROANS)
$ for orange juice.
(MUTTERING)
(EXCLAIMS) Ten dollars.
Does that feel better?
We can jump up and down.
ANDY: No. That's
not doing anything.
There's no weight
like Jim weight.
(DANA GROANING)
Well, if you want Jim weight,
why don't you just lie
down on the driveway
and I can back my car over you?
All right.
We're home.
RUBY AND GRACIE:
Mom and Dad are home.
(SIGHING)
JIM: Cheryl.
How come you can't give
me the silent treatment
when I'm watching SportsCenter?
Hey.
JIM: Hello.
Hey.
What are you guys doing back?
Uh, well, we, uh,
missed our children.
What'd you bring us?
BOTH: What'd
you bring us?
Oh, I got you something.
For you, I've a shoehorn.
For my little one...
Aftershave!
(GIRLS CHEERING)
Great. I needed a
shoehorn and aftershave.
You're kind of quiet, Cheryl.
What's the matter?
Jim too cheap to
finish the weekend?
(DANA AND ANDY LAUGHING)
Oh, my gosh, it was just a joke.
All right. I get it.
You're mad.
I'm not mad, Jim.
I'm frustrated.
Oh, not frustrated.
I can't do anything with that.
Any chance that you're
hungry, horny, or sleepy?
Okay. Now, I'm mad.
Okay.
Now, we're getting somewhere.
Cheryl, whatever happened to,
"Never going to bed angry"?
Yeah. Let's put a pin
in that tonight.
Okay. How about, "Never
going to bed sarcastic"?
(SIGHS) Okay.
I know you worry about bills,
and college tuition, and... Yes.
...our retirement.
And Jim, I love you for that.
I don't know anybody who's a
better provider than you are.
Thank you.
But sometimes,
you got to forget
about all that
and just remember what's
really important.
Me?
No.
You?
No, Jim.
I'm talking about us.
I was almost there.
I was this close to "us".
(EXCLAIMS) Jim.
I just don't understand why
it was such a big deal
for us to go and have one
carefree weekend alone.
It wasn't a big deal, honey.
That's why we went
to the Fairmark Hotel.
We got rubs.
We got room service.
We went!
No, we went because you thought
you were going to get away with
spending dirty couch money.
Yes. Duh! What's
the matter with that?
(SIGHING) Okay.
(CLEARS THROAT)
Do you remember a
long, long time ago,
before we had kids?
You were so thin.
Yeah.
And your hair wasn't.
That was a joke.
I know, honey.
And it was hilarious,
but it's not joke time.
Okay, the point is,
we have so much responsibility now...
Yes.
...and so much pressure...
That's right.
...and everything we do is
for somebody else. That's...
We got the kids, the house
and your job. Right.
You get it. That's right.
Right. Exactly.
And that's just the way life is
right now, Cheryl. All right?
I mean, it's the
circle of life.
Didn't you learn anything
from The Lion King?
I did, and it's great,
and it's right,
and it's exactly
as it should be.
Okay, come here. Honey. Honey.
I don't get it, then.
I know, okay.
Honey, look.
I wouldn't trade my
life now for anything.
I wouldn't.
Honey, I don't want to wake
up one day and find out
we've forgotten
something in the mix.
Jim.
I don't want to
forget about us.
Look at me.
We are the glue that holds
all of this together.
I hate you when you make sense.
(CHUCKLING)
Yeah, well, you ought to
be used to it by now.
All right.
I get it.
Okay.
Hey, let's go back to the hotel.
What? Yeah, come on.
Let's go back.
No, no... Why not?
We can go now. Right now.
No. I don't want you
to do this for me.
No, no, no, no.
It's not for you, honey. It isn't.
It really isn't.
It's for us.
Oh, my God!
You get it.
Freaky, huh?
Yes. All right.
Come on. Let's go.
Let's go now.
Oh, I...
Are you sure?
I don't know.
Depends who's asking.
Mmm-hmm.
Well, that depends who's
asking who's asking.
Well, whoever it may be.
We're not very good at this one.
No.
No.
Honey, if it ever comes down
to either you or money,
I'll always pick you.
Aw!
Eventually.
(LAUGHING) Honey, it
just takes a little time
to get there, that's all. Okay.
I'm going to go tell them
we're going back. Okay.
Honey, I love you.
Oh, honey.
(EXCLAIMING) I love you, too.
It's going to be fun.
Yeah, it is.
I love spending money.
(CHEERING)
"$ a bottle" What a racket.
Hello. I come from Mother Russia
to thank you for
giving us US $ bill.
You feed and clothe our
village for entire year.
I bring bread.