02x02 - New Deal, No Deal

[bunniefuu]

( music playing )

I'm not doing "Spectrum."

Jack, I have the utmost
respect for you.

Is it "the ut"?

God, do I say "utmost" or "upmost"?

Which one is it?
Is it ut or up?

Wray, how you feeling?

Jack, what are you doing here?

How'd you even know
which hospital I was in?

I just went to your house, called ,
ambulance brought me here.

Good to see a friendly face, buddy.

- Ah, that's hot.
- Sorry.

- That one's yours.
- Are you okay, buddy?

Yes, matter of fact, never better,
because now I am % focused

on "Spectrum" and
getting this movie made ASAP.

Hmm. That's great.

I can't wait to do this movie.

I've got so many ideas.
Let's spitball some stuff.

Spitball some ideas with me.

- Yeah.
- Come on.

- Let's spitball.
- Yeah.

Okay, I'm just spitting.
Maybe it's a loogie.

What if I'm not in it?

In what?

"Spectrum" the movie.

Jack, I have the uh... most
respect for you.

"Utmost." There is no "Spectrum"
without Cash Wayne.

You see, this is why I wanted to talk
to you before the meeting.

I just-- I can't do "Spectrum."

- Can't or won't?
- It's kind of a "cwon't."

I have to do literally
anything but "Spectrum."

What else have you got?

Screw you, also exactly.

Ever since "Spectrum," all our--

I'm sorry, officer.
The situation has worsened.

Your partner
has slipped into a coma.

You're talking to the wrong guy.

I know. I'm practicing.

Excuse me.

After "Spect--"

after "Spectrum,"
all I've done is sci-fi.

It's like I'm on a merry-go-round

that's just going round
and round and round.

It's broken.

How is that broken?

Because I can't get off.

I'm sorry, officer.

The situation has worsened.

Your partner
has slipped into a coma.

That was actually really good.

- Yeah.
- A lot of eye contact. It was warm.

Thanks. It's showtime.

Jack, "Spectrum"
launched your career.

It launched my part-time job.

Then tell your agents
you wanna go out for other things.

I'm not good at
telling them anything, really.

Wray, those people work for you.

You tell them
this is show business.

There is no business
without the show

and you are the show.

That's kinda easy for you to say

because you get to do
whatever you want.

Apparently not, because what
I want to do is make "Spectrum,"

but I can't because
you won't do it.

And I want to break out of sci-fi,

but I can't do that
if I keep doing sci-fi.

( sighs )
That never gets easier.

Should've been a lawyer.

"Doctor Cop Lawyer."

You could do that show.

No, that's a sci-fi show.

You can't just stitch
three guys together.

No, no, it's a drama.
It's very serious. It's a man.

He's a doctor, he is a cop,
and he is a lawyer.

That sounds good.

See, if I could get into
something like that...

You would do "Spectrum"?

- Yeah.
- I can get you in with the director.

After that, it's all on you.

- Dude, thank you.
- Okay, okay, all right.

Wray, can you help me tie Dale down?
He keeps trying to fall out of bed.

- Faith!
- Jack!

- I knew it.
- I knew it, too.

How long has this been going on?

- A few months.
- What?

- You never told him.
- I'm telling him right now.

Faith is sleeping with Dale.

- It's disgusting.
- Oh, God, you're a child.

- You-- no, I am not.
- You are, though.

- You-- no, I'm not.
- You're both children.

Hold it, you are the reason
she stinks at her job now.

Both:
What?

Any time Wray dates a woman
who has her ( expletive ) together,

she loses her ( expletive ).

My ( expletive ) is together.

You missed the meeting today.

Because I was out drinking
with Wray and my phone d*ed.

Oh, God. My ( expletive )
is no longer together.

That's-- ( scoffs )

- Just excuse me for a moment.
- Where are you going?

I need to go take care
of my ( expletive ).

You two? Need to take care
of your ( expletive ).

Can someone take care
of my ( expletive )?

I'm gonna go talk to Faith.
You talk to your agents.

I am the show.
What I say go.

Seriously, take it.
It's leaking!

Oh, my God!

It is leaking!

Why would you hand this to me?

( phone ringing )

Middle Talent Agency.

Gordon, put me through to Stephanie.
This is Wray Nerely!

This is Daniel.
Stephanie was fired.

I'm the new Gordon.
Stephanie's the new dead to us.

- It's a volatile time.
- Wray: Gordon was promoted?

Fine, then let me talk to him.

( sighs )

- ( phone ringing )
- Daniel: Wray Nerely for you on line one.

Wray! Oh, honey,
I am so glad you called.

Isn't that awful about Stephanie?

Wray:
I never met her.

I don't have an appointment,
and I don't care.

This is Wray Nerely,
I am downstairs,

and I am coming up!

Yay, Wray!

Oh, you silly billy,
you are welcome here

whenever you want.

( chuckles )
This is show business, Wray.

You're the show.
There's no business without the show.

You know what, that is--
I was gonna say that to you.

- You're exactly what I--
- No.

You gotta get out of here.

Okay, could you talk
to the valet and tell him

that I am the show,
because evidently

if you don't have an appointment
they're very aggressive.

Yes, of course.

Daniel, could you please
speak to the valet?

- Go away.
- ( chime, buzzing )

Thank you, okay.
Now they're letting me out.

So-- Jesus! God, man!

I was getting out--
I'm not off the phone!

I'm coming up!

d*ck.

- Daniel.
- Pascal.

Daniel is no longer at this desk.

- It's a volatile time.
- Wow.

Your agent will see you...

now.

Thank you.

You're not Gordon.

Gordon is the new dead to us.
I'm Daniel.

Sit.

Daniel, okay.

- I'd rather stand.
- Sit!

Oh, here.

Okay.

So... a job offer just came in.

Really? What's the job?

- A commercial for Astros Cereal.
- I don't do commercials.

I am so close
to slapping you right now.

But I-- I'm not a sell-out.

- A sell-out?
- Yeah.

I'm sorry, is that some sort of
an older person's term?

I am hearing "sell," which I love.

Have you ever heard
of artistic integrity?

( laughs )

No.

Okay, let me put it this way.

I am the show
in show business.

There is no business
without the show.

And there's no show business
without the business.

Wray? It's Wray.

- Yes, it's Wray.
- Right, right.

And the business is money.

Astros Cereal pays six figures.

I'm not doing it!

- Which six?
- Well--

Don't tell me!

I'm a serious actor.

Serious actors
don't do commercials.

Hmm, right, right.

Except for Matthew McConaughey,
Kevin Spacey,

Samuel L. Jackson,
Benicio Del Toro...

- Oh, God, no.
- Robert Duvall.

- Duvall?
- The Rock sells tires.

- Well--
- Catherine Zeta-Jones,

- God.
- Kevin Bacon,

- Really?
- six different brands for BeyoncГ©.

- Why would she need the money?
- Pacino.

- Clint Eastwood.
- Look, okay, stop, stop.

- Harvey Keitel.
- God, come on!

- Lawrence Olivier.
- When did he do that?

- Dame Judy Dench.
- Not Dame Judy.

- Nicole Kidman.
- Stop talking!

- Rob Lowe!
- They're all sell-outs.

- They're all sell-outs!
- Again, I'm not % on that term.

Let me ask you something.

What is your business model?

I don't have a business model.
I am an actor.

I date models.

- Do you, though?
- Yeah, yeah, I do.

I dated one once, a hand model,
but she was hot all over.

Actually, the least attractive thing

about her was her hand,
her left one.

It was too skinny.
That's the business.

The right one was fat,
and that's why she lost work.

I'm pretty much just waiting

for your mouth to stop moving
so that I can talk.

You work for me.
Am I right?

Well, now,
that's sort of a gray area.

- Actually, it's a--
- No, no, you work for me.

Am I right? ( expletive ).

Technically, yes.

Yes, well, I have something
called artistic integri-- aah!

There is no amount
of artistic integri-aah

to placate our investors, Wray.

Pascal, where's Daniel?

He was fired while you were gone.

I didn't go anywhere.
I just bent down.

These are volatile times.

Wray: Because somebody
keeps f*ring everyone.

And if I ever find that person,
I will fire them.

- I-- I'm the show.
- Wray!

There is no such thing
as show business anymore.

This is the entertainment industry.

There is no entertainment
without industry

and there is no industry
without machines.

You are simply a minor cog

in a complex machine
of an entertainment industry

that operates in concert
with every other industry,

creating one tremendous
mechanism of profit

and enterprise.

If you are summoned
to help the machine,

you will help the machine.

Um...

I have a body of work.

( chuckles )

If your work had a body,
it would be riddled with disease.

You haven't become a sell-out
because no one is buying!

You're a generic brand
on a forgotten shelf

marked "sci-fi actor, half price."

( mutters )

See, and... whoops.

I'm ready for the next changeover.
Who's your assistant?

- I fired him.
- Wray: That's smart.

- ( buzzing )
- Oh!

- You're fired.
- What?

Yeah, thank God.
Don't say anything else.

Wray, you can't fire me.

- I just did.
- ( Pascal chuckles )

Where will you go?

There are no countries,
no cultures,

just branded peoples
bumbling around,

buying their identities on credit.

( chime )

Woman: I have Russell Crowe
for you on line one.

- Who are you?
- I'm your new assistant.

( expletive ).

I got your text.

So, what's the job?

Am I a doctor-cop-lawyer?

Wray, I can't just give you a job
on the season's hottest TV show.

I mean, I know that. I just--

what's the job?

It's a national commercial.

Wray:
Buddy, I am not a sell-out!

Hey, there's no sell-outs
anymore, buddy.

We don't call 'em that anymore.
We just call 'em people with money.

I just fired my agent for trying
to get me to do a cereal commercial.

Whoa, whoa, whoa.
Astros Cereal?

- Wray: Yeah.
- Wray, Wray!

I set that up! That was me!

That's the director
for "Doctor Cop Lawyer."

He's sh**ting that commercial.

Big directors do commercials
all the time.

I knew that, too.

Unfire your agents.
Have them call production.

All right, I will unfire them.
Somehow.

I don't think I can unfire them.

- It's a volatile time.
- Pascal!

- Get your ass in gear! Go!
- Yes, sir.

You know what?
I'm just gonna negotiate it myself.

Jack: Hey, you need someone
to negotiate for you, okay?

I don't care if it's a bookie.

I don't care if it's an arms dealer.

I don't care if it's a hobo
with a cell phone.

- Get anybody.
- Okay, okay.

I think I know the person.

Bye.

- Woman: Hello?
- Bobbie.

Get out of here, come on!
Go, go, go!

- Okay...
- ( yelling indistinctly )

( music playing )

The director of the commercial

is also directing
a prestigious drama.

- "Doctor Cop Lawyer."
- Yes, "Doctor Cop Lawyer"!

You'd be the gimpy sidekick.

I wanted to play the lead.

That part has to be played
by a manly man.

( deep voice )
I can be manly.

He must be such a manly man

that there is another man
inside of him.

I'm sorry, I did not bring
an extra adult diaper.

- You can use mine.
- Action!

Astros gives me ten essential--

Cue the satellite!

- Aah!
- Perfect!