05x05 - Episode 5

[bunniefuu]

It won't work.

Look and learn, look and learn.

If you surprise people it shakes 'em up.

It's your prices that shakes 'em up.

No, you watch.
Kath will be in in a minute.

One small loaf, correct change,
turns round and then she's gone.

But not today.

Not today.

Today I'm going to shake her out of that
"I'm not buying anything else" mood.

Good luck with that.

Hey up, hey, here she comes.

OK.
Stand by.

Good day to you, Katherine.

Well, nice and polite but nobody's moving.

Well, who's serving?

Knock on the counter.
Go on.

How are you today, Kath?

Why are you wearing a wig?

Are you sure it's a wig?

Maybe I've just released

the full glory of my own
abundant head of hair.

You wish.

What have you been doing to him?

Don't blame me. He is quite capable
of going fully on his own.

I don't buy stuff like this.

Now, Kath, this...

elegant hairpiece

helps me pair the customer
with the right product.

If the wig moves it means

that the product is exactly right for you.

Watch the wig...

Yes.

The wig knows.

The wig needs its head examining.

Well, I've heard of some
things but this one...

You're trying to get some bread...

Come on.

What's the matter with you?
Is it something I said?

Stop playing about and open up.

Well, you get nothing this morning for that.

Well, he was wearing a wig and it moved.

He should've said.
I could've sold him one that didn't move.

But it's very unnerving when they
come at you with an unstable wig.

One no sugar.

- What time's this wedding?
- This afternoon.

I always cry.

I don't know why.
It can't be worse than your own.

I told you not to marry him.

He said I couldn't back out.
We had to think about the children.

Well, you never had any.

I knew there was a flaw
in his argument somewhere.

I wonder why Granville's never wigged at me.

I imagine in a wig he'd
be a mature-woman magnet.

I must've missed that.

He's probably waiting till he's
learnt how to stop it moving.

I expect he'll wig me when he's got
everything under control.

He claims that it matches the
customer to the right product.

"The wig knows."

You've got to admire
his steady pursuit of profit.

He needs a good woman, his equal in avarice.

What about love?

No. No, it's very inconvenient
when you're busy.

This is not a happy ship.

Look at the faces on ya.

- And you.
- Admitted.

We're all in the same boat.

Aye, and it's sinking.

Mine sprung a leak when her
mother came to live with us.

Hey, it's worse than that,
it's our own fault.

Are you sure?

I'm only asking because
after much consideration

I came to the conclusion it were theirs.

We can't blame our women.

That's going to put a boot
through some of my basic beliefs.

We've allowed our women folk to lose that
shiver of excitement whenever they see us.

I think I'd have to plead guilty to that.

Maybe they got better at hiding it.

No, it's because we've overwhelmed
them with all our macho swaggering.

We've forced them into acting tough.

Mine was so overwhelmed

she slapped me yesterday
with a freezer pack of kippers.

It were a call for help.

No, that were me.

It were a call for love.

She was reaching out,

she was saying "notice me".

They come at you with a frozen pack
of kippers, I promise you'll notice.

I can't say I've ever suffered v*olence
at the hands of Mrs Featherstone yet.

But she does have a personality

every bit the equal

of a frozen kipper.

Because they daren't show us
their loving tenderness.

We've crushed it.

Crushed it.

How are you going to slice that thin
enough to give it away for free?

We've been overdoing this brutal male thing.

- Really?
- You're saying lose the tough-guy image?

I'm telling you now, I'm going to miss it.

We're not losing Mr Hard Man,
we're just playing him down.

He'll still be there for us when
we need him for our man time.

But for our girls...

we need to show 'em our feminine side.

Hello, Mavis.

Hello, Granville.

I was thinking, er, why don't you
come round this afternoon

and we can have a cake and, er, some coffee?

I can't.
We're off to a wedding.

Where I suppose I'm going to have to
be nice to an old boyfriend of mine.

How nice?

You know how it is, you have
to put that frozen smile on.

Funny thing is, I used
to think he was gorgeous.

Second thoughts are always best.

You know, dangerous places, weddings,

with all those hormones racketing about.

I shall never sleep.

We'll be back before you're asleep.

Right, good, yeah.
What time?

Not late, I hope, as long as we
don't get entangled in the disco.

Disco? No, no, no, no, no,
you stay away from the disco.

I intend to.

Terrible things happen at discos
and that's just the music.

- I won't stay for the disco.
- Good.

Call me if there's any trouble.

You'd come?

Yes, of course I'd come.

Y... You'd close the shop?

Almost certainly.

Only me.

Come through, she's out.

She'll have gone to her mother's.

You're wondering what I meant
by showing our feminine sides.

If it means wearing a frock,
you can forget it.

I'm with him.

Sit down, I'll show you what I mean.

- Back in a jiffy.
- Jiffy? Who says jiffy any more?

- All right, then. Back in ten.
- Ten what?

I hate it when they don't
give you full details -

it's supposed to be the information age.

Have we got a feminine side?

I haven't and if you've heard
otherwise, it's a lie.

There's something called the new man.

I think moisturisers are acceptable.

- What does Mrs Featherstone use?
- Pressure.

Just a little short of v*olence, usually.

Dig the poet, daddios.

Check out the creative thoughts
arising from these artistic threads.

Where is this Craig, then?

He'll be here.
He said he'll be here.

Tell him not to hurry on my account.

Stop being like that -
he's coming on your account.

Well, I didn't ask him.

No, he asked him for ya.

You need to get out more, meet people.

- He'll be a creep.
- That's it, girl, think positive.

Here he is.
Right, I'll go fetch him.

Cheer up, Ruby, you'll be fine.
You're an engineer,

you can test him for stress or
measure him for something.

You were right, he was a creep.

They gossip about me.
I can feel it, Granville.

"There she goes.
She married an Italian."

I'll take some salami.

Er, salami coming right up, Mrs Rossi.

But in a plain wrap or they'll
see it as evidence

of scandalous continental taste.

Good day to you, Mrs Rossi.

And to you, Mrs Featherstone.

I see you prefer the continental meats.

It's for a friend. I'll, er...

I'll take a few Pontefract cakes, Granville,

and if that doesn't establish
citizenship, I give up.

You must miss the excitements of Italy.

I missed them when I was there,

he was always at his mother's.

I'll pick my stuff up later, Granville.

It'll be ready for you, Mrs Rossi.

- Ciao.
- Ciao.

She called you Granville.

Yes, in English.
What's the problem, Mrs Featherstone?

When they get cosy with your name,

the next thing they're poking
about in your money belt.

Don't say that.
I just had a feeling that somebody

walked across my small change.

You want to be careful with that woman,
Granville. She's steeped

in continental bedtime practices
that are way above your pay grade.

No, no, she has Horlicks
at bedtime, Mrs Featherstone.

When you get behind the Horlicks
it's wall-to-wall garlic.

I can't draw for toffee.

Well, it don't matter these days,
none of 'em can. Just look the part.

OK, that's you gone poetic,

he's a painter.
What am I going to be?

I think ballet's a bit of a nonstarter.

- I'm not doing ballet.
- Agreed.

Relax, we'll find you something.

I don't see how this is actually helping me

with my Mrs Featherstone situation.

It's going to knock her for six.

She's always seen you as
respectable, reliable.

Look at you now.
Painter.

These people have nude models, you know.

Could there be room for two painters?

Nah, it's pushing it.

I still don't see how I can paint
myself free from Mrs Featherstone.

You won't have to.
She'll drop you.

Once she sees you as this
wild, free-living artist,

different woman in every postcode.

- I could do oils, and he's watercolour.
- Just forget it.

- I'm not doing ballet.
- We'll find you something.

Genuine Mongolian fish paste?

Yes, every jar numbered and signed

by the Minister of Mongolian
Fisheries himself.

I thought Mongolia was landlocked.
It hasn't got a coastline.

They rent one.

Look, I don't think this is for me.

I just popped in for some
Braithwaite's fish paste.

Er, I used to stock Braithwaite

until I learned about their
links to the mafia.

Braithwaite's?
Proudly made in Pudsey since ?

Yeah, I know, it shocked me too.
But then, er, people kept

turning up dead with Braithwaite's
fish paste in their mouths...

still in the jar.

Turning up dead?

You've heard of sleeps with the fishes?

You know, that great mafia saying,

the thr*at, you know - you're going
to sleep-a with the fishes.

- Yeah, it was in The Godfather.
- Yeah, that's it, that's the one.

Well, unfortunately, some of
the younger mafia types,

they were getting it wrong
and they were saying things like...

"You're going to sleep
with the dishes."

Yeah, and some of them were heard to say

"You're going to sleep-a with the quiches."

Quiches?

Anyway, gives you some idea
why he - Cappo di Tutti Cappi -

er, you know, that's old
Cappo himself, he said,

"Enough.
No more-a sleeping with the fishes."

"You want to scare a guy, you say to him,"

"You're going to sleep-a
with the Braithwaite's-a fish-a paste.""

I see.

So buy Mongolian and avoid the mafia.

It's an offer you can't refuse.

Have you cleaned inside thoroughly?

- What are you gaping at?
- Madge,

you look like a shiny new set of spanners.

Do you like the hat?

I love the hat. I could follow
you anywhere in that hat.

I don't want you following
me wearing this hat.

- No, I meant to...
- I know what you meant.

Close your mouth.

Just bring your top lip
down to the lower one.

Yes, that's it.

Be with you in a second..

Yeah...

So the wig does move, then.

Ooh, hee-hee.

You see what you do to people?

Didn't I see you in My Fair Lady?

We're off, then, and I'll
take some breath mints.

Stay away from the disco.

I hate discos.

Good thinking.

Are you coming?

Or are you going to stand here all day

giving him every opportunity
to sell you something?

Well, you know what he's like.
You stand still for a moment

in this shop and he thinks
it amounts to a contract.

I'll come when I'm ready,
thank you very much.

And I will take the mints.

Good for you.

Right. Now, don't forget
to read the instructions.

They say "stay away from the disco".

Please, please...

they are...
They're on the house.

You're slipping.

I'll adjust your next bill.

I don't know. Mrs Rossi's all
right, she's just a bit twitchy.

But is she twitchy in English or Italian?

Is there a difference?

Well, your English is neutral
but your Italian can slip

three suggestions into every twitch.

It's more foreplay than
you can get around here.

I worry about her hanging
about Granville in that shop.

He can handle Mrs Rossi.

Yes, I know he can, I don't think he
ought to be given the opportunity.

Hey, it's Mavis you should be worried about.

Mavis? I don't worry
about that shy little thing.

- Ladies...
- Ladies...

Ladies.

Hold it.

I'll get to the bottom of this.

Where did you get the hat?

I've always had the hat.

Well, I haven't seen it.

Well, I keep it at me mother's.

All this time?

You've been keeping a secret hat?

What else have you been keeping there?

A goldfish.

You look ridiculous.

I feel ridiculous.

Well, why don't you take it off?

One has to suffer for one's art.

Why didn't you tell me
you wanted a goldfish?

It'd destroy me macho image.

I am no longer afraid to celebrate
my feminine side. This...

is my poetry hat.

What's he come as?

Songwriter with a focus
on your romantic ballads.

Sounds like a load of old ballads to me.

You want to be a painter?

You can come and emulsion my hallway.

Come on, let's go and get your goldfish.

Really?

You'll like her, she's lovely.

She's called Imogen.

Go with t'flow, man.

I think we have to trust them.

Yes, we will trust them...

as far as the disco.

You know, % of single women at
weddings find new relationships.

I had a cousin who went astray at a wedding.

Yes, thank you, we don't want to know.

I'd like to know.

Our Maureen met this guy at a wedding.

They had this immediate chemistry.

Nearly ruined her hat.

All right, that's enough.

Well, when I say met this guy,
she were found under this bloke

from Darlington.

He'd had too much.
She were there where he fell.

No, that's it.

Now you've got me thinking of all
these drunks surrounding Mavis.

Well, they've got four kids
now and the Labradoodle.

Yes, all right, enough.

Happens all the time.

You show me a wedding and I'll show
you new relationships blossoming.

We should go. We should go in your Mini,
Gastric, and pick 'em up.

We can't have them drinking and driving.

Well, they're not big drinkers.

No, I want them out of there

before they meet some bloke from Darlington.

- Who will be looking after the shop?
- You.

Is that fair, do you think?

I'm ironing a shirt, I've got Beth coming.

% of people who want to
meet Beth get delayed.

What time shall we go?

Any time.
As long as it's before the disco.

Hey, Gastric, have a listen to this.

You're the lady...

Of my dreams...

Go on.

That's it so far.

I like the sense of unbridgeable
loneliness you've caught with the lyrics.

Thanks, man.

You said you were going to a wedding didn't
realise it was you two getting married.

We want to look our best for the ladies.

Just you watch the shop while we're gone.

Is this tie straight?

Yes, not only is it straight,
it is madge straight.

- Right, where's your car?
- She's outside.

There's not going to be
much room for Madge and Mavis.

It's going to be a tight fit, isn't it?

I'm looking forward to it.

Now, come on, let's just get there
before the disco.

All right, come on.
On your marks, go on, off you go.

Yeah, I'm going, I'm going.

And try to move some of that
Mongolian fish paste, will you?

Yeah, go on, off you go, right.

I hope that Madge is being faithful to me.

You're on a good thing there.
She's too bad-tempered to be unfaithful.

- You're not just saying that?
- No, of course not.

Do you know, Madge is one of the
foulest-tempered people that I know.

She is, ain't she?

That should keep 'em off, I must've
been born lucky.

- Come on, let's stay lucky.
- Let's get there, let's go.

Hey, hey, hey, hang on, hang on.

- What?
- There's a new customer in the shop, a Mr Cliff.

He's just moved here,
he's brought a big order.

A big order?

Very big, I'm going to need some help here.

What would you do?

I think I know what you would do...

but that's you.

I'm me.

- Well?
- I'm on a miscue ression.

I'm on a rescue mission.

You will have to handle it.

That's it, way to go, you tell him.

A man has to do what a man has to do.

Proud to know you, son.

- Yes, yes.
- I know how much this must hurt.

Big order, you say?

Very big.

How big is very big?

- That's very big.
- Very big.

Gastric.

You ought to be ashamed of yourself.

Me? What for?

For not trusting our two good ladies.

Right.

Ha, ha. Mr Cliff,
welcome to our little shop.

Right, let's have a look.

I bet that disco is going full belt by now.

Crowded, half in darkness, she'll
be entangled in strange braces.

I tried.

That Leroy can tell her I tried.

I very nearly went.

Took years of grocer's iron
discipline to keep me

from rushing away from new business.

It was going to be a crush in that Mini.

I even abandoned me money belt
so we could fit more comfortably.

Hello, Granville.

Hello, Mavis.

You didn't go to the disco, then?

I'm not much for dancing.

I always forget which leg went last.

Hey, you stick with me, I'll keep
an eye on both of them for you.

- Give us a hand with them, will ya?
- Yeah.