Daddy, will you help
me with my homework?
Okay.
This one here?
Mmm-hmm.
"Billy Beaver has $
to build a house.
"If he spends $ on lumber
"and $ on bricks,
"how much does Billy
Beaver have left?"
Three hundred dollars?
Well, in Beaver Town, maybe.
But in reality Billy
Beaver's gonna burn
through that $ really fast.
I mean, you got workman's comp,
you got overhead,
you got permits, honey.
(CHUCKLES) Unless you got a buddy
down at City Hall, wink, wink.
I say the real answer would be
minus $ .
So put that down, and if your
teacher has a problem with it,
have her call me.
What's next?
Mommy, will you help
me with my homework?
(EXCLAIMS)
Oh, baby!
(SOFT PIANO MUSIC PLAYING)
(CHUCKLING)
What?
What?
Well, just that, you know,
we're at a big fancy party.
Yes.
And I ain't wearing
no underwear.
Oh, God.
And nobody knows.
Why do you do that?
Well, it's my way of rebelling
against the beautiful people.
"The in crowd.
" Whatever you wanna call them.
You mean adults?
Yeah, there you go.
Hi, I'm so glad you guys made it.
Hey!
Okay. I need you
to start laughing.
Why?
Behind me, our regional director.
He thinks I'm cold.
So, laugh like I said something
warm and funny. Okay.
But not too big or he'll think
I said something
off-color.
My laughs aren't for sale.
(BOTH LAUGHING)
Oh, come on!
I am no warmer or funnier
than the next person.
Can I stop laughing now?
Not yet.
And...now.
Ouch!
Oh! You know what?
I want you to meet my new friend Lisa.
She just got transferred here.
She is smart and outgoing.
Just a great gal.
Oh, that sounds like someone I
have no interest in meeting.
(CHERYL GROANS)
I'll be at the bar.
Jim!
Oh, thank you.
Oh...
You know what's a funny
name for a city?
Bangkok.
I mean, think about it.
You know? Bang...
Honey.
Hi, baby.
There you are.
How are you doing?
Hey, you're missing
all the fun.
I don't think so.
No?
No, I've been to
Japan,
Mexico.
And this impish little lager
is my passport to Germany.
Oh, I see. Will
you turn around?
I want you to
meet my friend Lisa.
I'd love to meet
your friend Lisa.
(EXCLAIMS) Jimmy!
DANA: What?
You two know each other?
Uh, yeah. Um...
Well, yeah.
Jimmy and I went out...
We dated for, like, what?
A month and a half?
A year and a half.
Oh, right.
Oh.
A year and a half?
Him?
JIM: Yeah.
Why?
I don't know.
Did you ever just
not get a movie that
everyone else loves?
Well, look at you, Jim.
You're married!
Yes. Yes.
Oh!
We've got three kids.
Yeah.
All of them mine.
(CHUCKLES) Yeah.
Well, I can't wait
to meet them.
Oh, that's a great idea.
Maybe we'll do that sometime.
We are.
What?
Well, uh, Jim, I invited her
for dinner on Saturday night.
Is that okay?
Is it too weird?
(VOICE CRACKS) No!
Oh...
That's not weird!
I mean, you know?
My ex-girlfriend and my wife
sitting down to dinner.
I feel like Warren Beatty. Oh.
Warren Beatty?
You didn't laugh at my thing.
What is the Arabic
word for "sandstorm"?
What's Arabic?
Ooh! Sorry.
The answer is haboob.
My turn.
Uncle Andy, this is too hard.
Oh. Okay.
How about an easier one?
What color is Barney?
Purple!
Purple!
Too bad that's not
a real question.
Now, what silent
film actress...
So uninvite her.
Don't blame me.
I'm gonna blame you.
I'm not a...
Oh, look who's up!
BOTH: Mommy! Daddy!
Oh, my girls, hello.
You know what?
It's very late.
Uncle Andy, would
you put them in bed
and we'll be right up?
Even though I'm
not their parents, okay.
Good night, girls.
Good night, girls.
CHERYL: Love you.
GIRLS: Love you.
Love you more.
Love you.
All I'm saying is,
next time you invite
someone over for dinner,
make sure I haven't
slept with them.
I don't see why it's such a big
deal for Lisa to come over.
It is a big deal, honey.
Come on, think
about it, Cheryl.
Just think about it.
When the ex-girlfriend and
the wife get together,
it's a nasty cocktail.
Come on, Jim.
What?
If I uninvite her now,
I look like the jealous wife.
Besides, you know, I want her to come.
I like her.
(SIGHS)
Jim?
Jim?
Jim?
Cheryl, you better sit down.
Actually, you know what?
It's gonna be tougher on me.
I'll sit.
Oh.
Cheryl, what I'm
about to tell you,
you may not believe.
But Lisa dumped me.
All right.
Now, let's not judge here, okay?
I mean, in her defense,
I wasn't the catch
then that I am now.
(EXHALES)
Wow!
I feel so much better, honey.
I feel like an
-pound weight
has been lifted
off my shoulders.
Honey, why didn't you
just tell me this before?
Oh, Cheryl, I wanted to.
But it just...
It's embarrassing.
I mean, think about it.
Cheryl, Lisa dumped me.
Dumped me hard.
Oh.
It took me a long
time to get over it.
I mean, you can understand
that, can't you?
Well...
One time it took a guy a couple
of hours to call me back.
Does that count?
No, that doesn't.
(LAUGHS) Oh, honey!
Of course I understand
why you might not want her
to come over for dinner.
But, you know, honey, we're
all adults here, right?
I guess.
Yeah.
And wouldn't it be
nice to get past this?
(SIGHS) Yeah, I guess.
Yeah. Good then.
It's settled.
Just wear underwear.
They're waiting for
you to tuck them in.
Gracie bit me.
She did?
Yeah. She wouldn't spit out her
gum, so I went in after it.
Oh, hey!
Hey, how did it go tonight?
Not good.
What do you mean?
Well, at Dana's party,
guess who Cheryl met?
Lisa Christie.
Oh, my God.
Your Lisa Christie?
Uh-huh.
And you know what's worse?
She invited her over for
dinner Saturday night.
Uh-oh.
How much does Cheryl know?
I just told her that Lisa
dumped me, that's it.
That's all?
That's all.
You didn't tell her about...
No, no. Nothing else.
Nothing else.
But that's where you come in.
When Lisa comes over for
dinner Saturday night,
I need you to create
some kind of diversion.
Like what?
I don't care.
Whatever you do best.
I am not gonna make love to your
ex-girlfriend on the dining room table.
(LAUGHTER)
So, I am looking all over
the mall for Jim, right?
And, big surprise, I find him
asleep in the massage chair
in front of
the big-screen TV.
No, wait.
And there's this whole group
of Japanese tourists around him
taking pictures, 'cause they
think he's part of the display.
(ALL LAUGHING)
Oh, God, Jimmy!
That is so you.
All right. All right, go ahead.
Everybody make
their fun. Go on.
Oh, come on, it's a
good story, Jimmy.
CHERYL: Oh, hon,
come on.
You know, she's the only person
who's ever called me that.
Honey, look, I could have told
a lot of romantic stories too,
but I'm k*lling
with this stuff.
k*lling me with this stuff.
CHERYL: Oh!
(LAUGHS) You don't have to
tell me how romantic Jimmy is.
This is the guy that shows
up in front of my apartment
with a horse and carriage...
(COUGHS LOUDLY)
Andy, Andy.
Oh, my...
Jim!
DANA: Andy,
are you okay?
Uh, piece of chicken down the wrong pipe.
Oh. We had pork chops.
I didn't say it was from today.
Anyway, go on.
Well, he rents this...
Yeah. How about
topping me off?
And he fills it with flowers.
(SCREAMING)
(WOMEN EXCLAIM)
Andy, it's just lukewarm.
Oh.
I guess I expected
it to be hot.
And therefore gave the appropriate
response one would give
to the anticipated stimulus.
Okay, Lisa, go on.
Well, um, we drove
around Grant Park
for about an hour and then...
And then we called it a night.
Well, I mean, it wasn't
the greatest story,
but you told it so well, Lisa.
Okay, time for lovely
Cheryl's upside-down cake.
And we'll stop making
fun of me, okay?
Please.
You know we do it
because we love you.
It doesn't sound like it. Aw!
You know, if I'd have said yes
to Jim's proposal that night,
you would not be married
to this great guy.
You proposed?
(SCREAMS)
Cheryl, I wasn't quite
done with that pork chop.
(GARBAGE DISPOSAL WHIRRING)
And people wonder why giant
alligators survive in the sewers.
There's your answer.
You are unbelievable.
What? I told you.
I told you she dumped me.
Yeah. But you didn't tell me
that you asked her to marry you.
You're right.
Yes.
I didn't.
Well...
I'm gonna tell you right now.
I want you to know
that I proposed to Lisa.
Whoo!
Wow!
All of a sudden I just feel
this huge weight
off my shoulder.
Like, pounds?
Exactly.
I mean, I just feel so light.
I can just dance around.
Cheryl, what're you
doing the dishes for?
We got people here.
We didn't even finish dinner.
Jim, it soothes me.
Dishes don't have secrets.
Oh, Cheryl.
How could you not tell me that
you proposed to another woman?
(EXCLAIMS) I meant to tell you,
but you know, you're
always either pregnant
or there's something
good on TV or...
You know, we lead
busy lives, Cheryl.
Do you know what
bothers me the most?
The way you proposed to Lisa.
The carriage and the flowers.
Everything was so romantic.
The way I proposed to
you was romantic too.
Uh, we were in a bar.
You were goofing around, you
poured beer on my head.
Fine, fine.
I could have gotten you the
carriage and the flowers
and a singing coachman.
But, you know, is that
what you really wanted?
She got a singing coachman?
(EXHALES) I feel
so much lighter.
You know, I always thought
that beer proposal was cute,
but now I find out you could
have done better. A lot better.
And you did.
Cheryl, look, when I proposed
to Lisa, that wasn't me.
All right?
That was just a big show.
When I proposed to you,
come on, it was fun,
it was spontaneous.
And I wasn't trying
to impress you.
Well, mission accomplished.
Cheryl, all I know is the best
thing that ever happened to me
was Lisa turning me down.
Because now I have you.
(CLICKS TONGUE) And look at us.
We're married,
we have a house, we have kids.
You know?
Got each other.
Got cake we're waiting for.
I guess that beer proposal
was kind of unique.
You won't see that
in a Meg Ryan movie.
No.
You do love me, don't you?
Oh, honey, of course I do.
It's just that
I wanna k*ll you.
Take your best sh*t.
Come on, come on.
Really?
Guys, I am so sorry.
Me and my big mouth.
I should not have said that.
Don't worry about it.
No, I should not
have said that.
Absolutely okay.
Oh, Cheryl!
What?
You took off your
engagement ring.
No, that's 'cause
I was doing dishes...
Don't do this.
He never even put it on my finger.
It's the same ring?
Hey.
You know what surprises me?
How much of that
cake was eaten,
considering how
awkward dessert was.
I mean, that's a
compliment to the chef.
Here, you left this.
Oh, thank you.
You're welcome.
Come on, Cheryl.
When I gave you
that ring you loved it.
What was I supposed to do?
Take it back?
No.
Should have waited years
and laid it on me while
I was cooking dinner
for your old girlfriend.
If you recall, I begged
you to cancel dinner.
So, why don't we just admit
we both made mistakes
and move on?
How can you possibly
think it's okay
to give me the same
ring you gave Lisa?
It never touched her finger.
Come on. What do you
think, it's got cooties?
Come on, it's a ring. Oh!
"L.C."
Lisa Christie.
You told me it stood
for "Lovely Cheryl."
A lot of things, honey, stand
for more than one thing.
Come on. I mean, you got,
for example, AA.
Stands for alcoholics
and it also stands for those
guys who tow your car.
That's AAA.
(EXHALES)
One more letter!
You are so a**l about your letters.
I'm getting ready for bed.
Cheryl, Cheryl, come on.
I know you're upset. Move!
I know you're upset
but wait a minute.
Come on, it was
a long time ago.
It's just a ring, honey.
You just don't get it, do you?
I don't get anything!
(SIGHS) Jim.
A ring is a symbol of love and
commitment between two people.
Not three.
Cheryl...
(CLEARS THROAT) What?
I...
Got nothing.
That makes two of us.
(EXHALES)
I hate my toes.
I hate Randy Cooperman.
He called me a poo.
He did? Ugh.
You should just call
him a poo right back.
Dana, no. Come on.
Call him Randy Pooperman.
DANA: Yeah.
Hello, my lovelies.
Daddy's home.
BOTH: Hi, Daddy.
Daddy, can we paint
your toenails?
(EXCLAIMING) Uncle Andy did
them at the office already.
CHERYL: Aw...
Come here, Cheryl, I wanna
show you something. What?
Come on outside, I wanna show you.
Come on.
What are you up to?
Jeez. A guy gets caught
telling a bunch of lies
and all of a sudden you
don't trust him anymore?
Yeah.
Come on.
What's Daddy doing?
I don't know.
Jim! What is this?
This, my dear, is something I
should have done years ago.
Oh!
For you.
Come on. Get in.
Honey, it's so beautiful.
I just wanna look at
it for a little bit.
Okay.
It's just that I'm
renting it by the hour.
We need to shake a leg.
Oh. Okay.
Thank you.
Honey!
This must have cost a fortune.
Well, yeah.
But if Ruby's teeth
grow in straight,
we'll be in the clear.
Will you look at all this?
Uh-huh.
You like it?
Look at that.
Oh!
Honey! And just for the record,
this is a much nicer
carriage than Lisa got.
Oh, right.
Forgotten about that.
Well, then, put it out of your mind.
Put it out of your mind.
(LAUGHS) I'm kidding,
honey, I'm kidding.
Well...
(EXCLAIMS)
She never got this.
Open it.
Jim...
Open it.
Oh!
It's a bottle cap.
Yeah. Exactly.
This is the bottle cap
that was on the bottle of beer
that I poured over you
the night I proposed to you.
Oh, honey!
Yeah?
You saved it all these years?
Uh-huh. Yeah.
(EXCLAIMS)
Cheryl, look, I knew I was
gonna propose to you.
I just didn't know I was gonna
propose to you that night.
(CHUCKLES) It just kind
of rushed up on me.
I mean, it was that bar and...
I had a couple of beers.
Foghat was on the jukebox.
Yeah.
And you looked so
beautiful that night.
And your laugh
just went right through me.
Oh.
I just got caught up in the moment.
I don't know. I just...
Said it.
So that night when we
got back to my place,
(EXHALING) I had the
woman I wanted to marry,
I had a spare engagement
ring in the junk drawer.
I thought it was fate.
Oh, well...
Now, I may have bought that
ring for somebody else,
but, Cheryl, it's
always belonged to you.
Oh, honey.
Thank you.
Honey?
Yeah.
Can I call you Jimmy now?
That is not funny.
No, you can't.
(LAUGHS) It's funny.
Now, as far as
the ring is concerned,
if you want me to
buy you a new ring,
I'll do that.
You know that.
Oh...
It's such a beautiful ring.
You know, it holds so
many memories for me.
Yeah. Get me
another ring.
Okay.
Driver.
Once around the block.
(IN COCKNEY ACCENT)
Right away, governor.
(BOTH LAUGHING)
Giddyup, there, Belvedere.
(SINGING BY THE LIGHT
OF THE SILVERY MOON)
(ANDY HUMMING)
Yeah, this is so much fun!
Come on!
Move it. Giddyup.
You need a drink of
water, Uncle Andy?
Oh, yes. Please,
I am so thirsty.
Too bad that's
not a real question!
(BOTH LAUGHING)
(LAUGHING)
Hmm.