Daddy, hurry up!
I have to go to the bathroom.
JIM: Why don't you
use the one upstairs?
Gracie's in there.
I gotta go to the bathroom!
JIM: Well, you're
gonna have to wait.
(IN SINGSONG VOICE)
I gotta go to the bathroom!
I gotta go to the bathroom!
JIM: Ruby.
I gotta go to the bathroom!
I gotta go to the bathroom!
Quiet! (LOUDER) I gotta
go to the bathroom!
I gotta go to the bathroom!
Fine, fine, fine.
You know who's gonna
love this story?
Your prom date.
(EXCLAIMS)
Oh, baby!
(JIM GRUNTS)
Oh, that's right.
Jim, what are you doing?
Not right now.
I'm in the middle of a turf w*r!
Are you having a snowball fight
with the Flynn kids again?
Yeah. They wanted five bucks
apiece to shovel the driveway.
When I refused,
they att*cked me!
Then who shoveled the driveway?
They did.
Jim, you stiffed them?
Stiffed them?
Or taught them
a valuable life lesson?
ANDY: Open the door!
Open the door! Open the door!
(BOTH GRUNT)
Nasty little kids!
(PANTING)
Where were you?
I thought you were right behind me.
Ashley Flynn had
me pinned down,
so I rolled into
a ball for protection.
That's how
the armadillos do it.
(CELL PHONE RINGING)
Oh, man! I'm wet.
Hello?
Oh, yes. Hi.
Hey, you know what'd hit
the spot right about now?
A steamy mug of hot chocolate.
Marshmallows, whipped cream.
Love ya.
Yeah. Well, we're out
of hot chocolate.
Oh, okay.
On a day like this, Mom
always had some ready,
but you're not Mom, are you?
Wait, you know what?
I think we do have
hot chocolate.
Really?
No.
You are Mom.
All right.
Thank you very much.
Hey, who was that?
Oh, nobody.
I just b*at out four other
contractors for a big job.
Oh! That's bad?
Well, the client is Darryl Buckner.
I went to school with him.
So that's why I'm a little hesitant
about getting into bed with him.
Honey, that's an industry term
for, you know, working together.
I mean, I don't really want to
sleep with the guy, I mean...
Oh, darn! I thought I'd finally be able
to cross that off my fantasy list.
(LAUGHS)
No, Darryl was
one of those guys
that always had
everything, you know?
He was cool, he had the coolest
car, he was really popular.
You know the type.
Hell, you were the type.
No, I wasn't.
Yeah, I was.
Yeah, you were.
And he wants us to go out to
dinner with him tomorrow night.
I guess I could find
a way to cancel.
Oh, honey!
You said this was a big job.
We should go.
I don't know, honey.
It's just going to be one giant infomercial
about him and
his accomplishments.
Well, and I'll be
right next to you
talking about
your accomplishments.
Hey, and I'll look resplendent.
But...
That's a good thing.
Okay.
Okay.
All right, we'll do it.
Okay, good.
ANDY: Oh, boy!
It sure feels good
to get out of
those wet clothes.
Andy, you know you don't
live here, right?
That's why I have the towel on.
(LAUGHING) So
I told the school,
I would have given
them the grand
even if they hadn't
named the stadium after me!
CHERYL: Oh...
(JIM FORCING LAUGHTER)
You know, they named a sandwich
after Jim at the lunchwagon.
Really?
Yeah. Well, I mean,
it's not really...
It's more of a melt
than a sandwich.
But if you like fried
bologna and sauerkraut
then the Big Jim is your lady.
(CELL PHONE RINGING)
Buckner.
(SPEAKING IN JAPANESE)
Would you excuse me?
I have to take this.
It's my broker in Japan.
(SPEAKING IN JAPANESE)
The Big Jim?
Well, honey,
you're so proud of it.
Honey, I am proud that Kyle did a
boom-boom in a big-boy toilet.
But I didn't bring
any pictures.
Who are you calling?
Andy. Andy, will you do me a
favor and call me right back?
Why? What movie?
Oh.
Bruce Willis is a ghost
and he doesn't know it.
Sorry about that.
It's all right.
I am getting way too global.
Oh! I know
the feeling.
Hey, how about a toast?
Sure.
To our upcoming collaboration.
May your work on my new home turn
out to be as stunning as your wife.
CHERYL: Oh! Oh, how sweet!
Thank you.
(CELL PHONE RINGING)
God, it never stops!
Hello?
Oh, yes, Councilman.
(SPEAKING IN ITALIAN)
Excuse me.
He's a busy man.
Oh, yeah.
You know, Jim was telling me that you
two have been married for eight years!
Eleven and a half, but, yeah.
That's great.
I'm divorced.
Oh, I'm sorry.
Oh, no. It gave me a great
reason to move back home.
Oh, yeah. Well...
Uh, do you know of a decent place
to buy a suit around here?
Oh, yeah, Kisby's on Oak.
Is that where Jim goes?
Oh, just once.
He got in a fight.
Yeah, no one had ever measured
his inseam before, so...
(LAUGHS) You know, I'm really not
good at picking out clothes.
Oh. Yeah.
Hey, you want to come with me?
Oh, I'll buy you some dinner
and we can make
a night out of it.
Oh! Oh, okay.
Well, we'll have to pick
a night when Jim's free.
But that'd be fun.
No. I was thinking it would
just be the two of us.
You know, you and I.
(STAMMERING) Uh, just me? Mmm.
Oh, I don't think my husband
would like that very much.
So...
(LAUGHS) What?
You don't tell him.
Oh! No, no, no,
Councilman.
Honestly, that's why I'm here.
(IMITATING CALLER)
Okay.
Via Condotti!
Okay, Gracie, truth or dare?
Truth.
Ever eat a booger?
Yes.
(ALL EXCLAIMING
IN MOCK DISGUST)
Aunt Dana, truth or dare?
Truth.
Who's your boyfriend?
Well, this guy named Steve.
But he's not really
my boyfriend.
He should be though.
We've gone out enough times.
But I guess the word boyfriend
is too stifling for Steve.
What is it with men
and commitment?
Just say dare next time.
Hello, my lovelies!
Hello!
Hi, Daddy.
What did you bring us, Daddy?
Jumbo shrimp.
BOTH: Yay!
Now remember,
those are for eating.
I don't want you dressing them up this time.
I'm gonna meet somebody
and be happy, right?
Oh. Dana, I told you.
Just say dare next time.
You look upset.
What's the matter?
(SIGHS) All right.
I'm gonna tell you something
but I need you to promise
not to tell Jim.
But, Cheryl, Jim is
my brother-in-law.
I can't keep secrets from him.
I love him.
(LAUGHING) Can you imagine?
(SIGHS) All right, listen.
(EXHALES) Tonight at dinner,
Jim's client hit on me.
What?
Yeah. Jim got up from the
table and he asked me out.
Oh, my God.
Ugh! Why did I have to
look so resplendent?
But you know what?
Maybe I'll never see him again
and then I can just pretend
it never happened.
So, you're not gonna tell Jim?
No!
He'll get all jealous and crazy
and do something stupid.
Yeah, you're right.
You shouldn't tell him. Okay, good.
I mean, you don't usually tell
him when men hit on you, right?
Oh, come on!
You make it sound like
it happens all the time.
Well, it does!
What about the deli guy
at Dominick's grocery?
Elliot?
Yeah.
He's in college.
He doesn't even count.
He does have
great arms, though.
Oh, please.
What am I, blind?
(SNORING)
Jim?
Honey, are you awake?
Jim!
(MUMBLES) Yeah?
How much loving
do you need, woman?
Honey, I can't sleep.
I need to talk.
Sure. Why not?
The guy with a job
doesn't need to sleep.
Now, what do you
want to talk about?
I don't know.
Did you have fun at dinner tonight?
Fun?
Yeah.
I don't know if
it was fun, but...
I mean, Buckner's Buckner.
What am I gonna do?
It's just a job.
I'll just learn to deal with it.
And by the way, he's
coming over tomorrow
to approve some plans.
What? Buckner's
coming here?
Yeah. Don't worry.
You don't have to do anything special.
Just some chips and dip and...
(YAWNING) Vacuum and dust.
You know, the usual drill.
(EXCLAIMS) What?
Okay, honey.
I didn't want to have to
tell you this, but, um...
Tonight at dinner when you
got up to use the phone...
Right.
Buckner hit on me.
(STAMMERING) Okay, now, honey,
I don't want you to overreact.
I totally handled it.
It's fine.
Nothing happened.
I thought if he was gonna come
over here, then you should know.
Oh, honey, come on.
Say something.
(BREATHING HEAVILY)
Yes!
Yes!
What?
I finally got something
Buckner wants!
I win! I win, I win.
I win, I win, I win!
I win, I win.
I really, really win!
My house, my house, my house!
Whose house? Whose house?
Whose house?
My house, my house,
I win! I win!
All right, well,
I'm off to make more
of what fuels
this dream we live.
You mean the one where my
sister marries beneath her
and I have to tolerate the guy?
You know, Dana, I'm
running a little late
so I'm gonna call you from the car
with a cutting remark, all right?
Hey, remember,
Buckner's coming.
I know. What're you gonna wear?
I don't know, Jim.
Why don't you get
yourself something sexy?
Jim, this is $ .
Yeah. I also
need some socks.
All right, girls.
Mama wants to talk to Aunt Dana.
Go into the living
room and watch TV.
But we're not done
with our breakfast.
Take it with you.
But we're not allowed to
eat in front of the TV.
Eat in front
of the piano. Go!
(SIGHS) So, I guess
you didn't tell Jim
that Buckner hit on
you last night.
Oh, I did. I did.
He jumped up and down,
pumped his fist,
and did that thing
with his pelvis.
Oh, God, the ape victory dance.
He's just so excited that
Buckner wants something he has.
Me.
Okay. Can I just make this
about me for a second, please?
Yeah, go ahead.
You are already married and now
a millionaire wants you, too?
It's just not fair!
Okay, back to you.
I mean, I don't expect
Jim to b*at him up,
but couldn't he just hate
his guts for a few minutes?
Hmm. So what are you gonna
do when he gets here?
Nothing. It's only
for a couple of hours.
I don't wanna blow
this job for Jim.
(CELL PHONE RINGING)
Hello? Oh, hey, Jim.
Yeah, you got a good one?
Uh-huh.
Uh-huh.
Yeah. But I'm not Chinese,
so that doesn't make sense.
Okay, call me back.
So, what I'm looking
for in the media room
is some kind of tiered seating.
All right.
You know, maybe enough
to hold people.
Fifteen? Okay.
Yeah.
Oh, and over here in the domed
observatory, what I really want...
Oh, I can't stand it!
This house is the most beautiful
thing I've ever seen.
Isn't it, Jim?
Well, the most beautiful thing
I've ever seen is my wife,
but, uh...
This is okay.
Okay? Look at this.
The master bedroom alone is
bigger than this whole house.
Well, what good
is all that space
if you don't have somebody
to share it with?
Am I right?
I'll move in. Yeah.
I'm an excellent gardener
and let's face it, Jim's
company is going nowhere.
Cheryl, Andy's blood
sugar's getting low.
Snack us up.
You know, I'll bet she's gonna
come in here all dressed up.
Oh, boy!
I wonder what kind of
provocative ensemble
she put together for tonight.
(JIM CHUCKLES)
Excuse me.
Sweats!
How about that, huh?
Leaving every curve a mystery.
You're a lucky man, Jim.
So, it'd be fair to say
you wish you were me?
(CHERYL SIGHS)
What?
Thank you.
(LAUGHING)
Hey, Cheryl, wait a minute.
Whoa, whoa, whoa, wait a minute.
Take that thing out of
your hair and, you know,
shake your head and do
that smile like you do.
I don't want to.
Oh, no, come on, honey.
You gotta do it.
Oh, you've gotta see this.
You gotta see it.
It looks like a shampoo commercial.
She just lights up the room.
Jim, honey, come on.
No, come on, do it, honey.
Will you do it?
(EXCLAIMS) Like this, "I'm hot!
I'm hot.
"I'm flipping my hair and I'm
looking sexy and I know it.
"I'm hot. I'm hot."
No, Jim!
I don't wanna do it.
Would you let it go?
There ain't no taming
that filly, huh?
So, as your gardener,
what's your policy on
nudity in the hot tub?
Cheryl?
What's going on?
Come on.
(IMITATING JIM) "Do that
thing with your hair"?
I don't talk like that!
Oh, yes, you do.
Oh, you don't even
have me down!
You know, after eight
years of marriage...
Eleven and a half!
Really?
Oh, God!
How dare you flaunt me
in front of that jerk!
How would you like it if I made
you put on tight leather pants
and I paraded you
around a PTA meeting?
Would I have to stay
for the whole meeting?
That's not the point!
The point is that Buckner hit
on me and you don't even care!
Come on.
What do you want me to do, honey?
I want you to be jealous.
I want it to make you crazy!
No, I'm not gonna be jealous,
because I'm not jealous!
You don't have to be happy
that Buckner wants me.
But I am!
What?
Honey, remember that
car I told you he had?
He had a beautiful,
beautiful Trans Am.
And he would drive it around that
town like he owned the world.
And you know what?
He did!
And now it's my turn, baby.
I'm in the driver's seat!
Okay. Are you
listening to yourself?
Now you're comparing
me to a car.
No, honey, you're not a car.
You're a person.
You're a loving,
caring, lovely person.
And persons
always b*at out stuff.
Congratulations, Jim.
Congratulations, you won.
Do you want me to
get you a trophy?
Oh, honey, you're the
only trophy I need.
(EXCLAIMS IN FRUSTRATION)
What?
What? I keep saying nice stuff
and you keep walking away!
I don't get it.
If Bruce Willis is a ghost,
how can the kid see him?
Well, it's because
he has a sixth sense.
Where did that come from?
The title.
Whoa!
Oh, thank God!
Hey.
Uh, is everything all right?
No.
No, not really.
Look, I need to say
something here
and this may cost
me the job, but...
I know you hit on
Cheryl last night.
What?
(CHUCKLES NERVOUSLY)
No, I didn't.
Yeah, you did.
Oh, I see.
Okay.
It's a little early in
the day for the twins
to be dancing.
But my, how they do love to dance!
JIM: Andy, Andy.
Andy, Andy, Andy.
Put the twins away for a little bit.
Go outside. I need
a minute with him.
Fine.
Patience, boys.
Your day will come.
Come on.
Cheryl told me all about it.
All right.
Yeah, I did.
Maybe I should go.
(STAMMERING) Jim, look, I...
I'm sorry, you know.
It was stupid and I was out of line.
Well, you came onto my wife.
Which, by any rule, you know,
isn't good.
Yeah.
But I also treated
her like a thing.
That's apparently even worse.
Cheryl's not a thing.
I mean, she's...
She's everything.
(WHISPERING) She's listening
at the top of the stairs.
Really?
Yeah.
Thanks.
Mmm.
Oh, man, I am steaming mad!
You got that right.
You think I'm overreacting?
Well, I am,
because I am jealous!
That was pretty good.
Thank you.
So, uh...
You wanna take a swing at me?
Yeah, maybe I should.
And you take this
back to Studville!
(GRUNTS)
Hey, you really punched me!
Don't ever hit
on my wife again.
Yeah.
See you on Monday?
Yeah.
Nine?
...ish.
Hey.
Hey.
So, I'll draw up those plans and
then talk to you on Monday, huh?
Oh.
Yeah, that'd be great.
Hey, did someone drop a
dollar on the sidewalk there?
BUCKNER: Ow!
So, how much of
that did you hear?
The sincere part.
And the part for my benefit.
Well, you know, Cheryl,
I dated a lot of women
before I met you.
I mean, a lot of women.
Conservative estimates,
I'd say...
What's your point, Jim?
You and I got this
really good thing going.
Yeah.
And I'm not going anywhere.
And you're not going anywhere.
No.
I want you to know if there was
ever a moment that I thought
that you wanted somebody else,
I wouldn't just be jealous,
I'd be shattered.
Oh, honey, come on.
No, I would.
That is never
ever gonna happen.
But you see you gotta
understand that I know that.
That's why it doesn't bother me
that guys flirt
with you all the time.
I mean, like that guy who works
at the deli at the grocer.
That doesn't bother me.
Who?
That college kid
with the great arms.
College kid, great arms.
Doesn't ring a bell.
You know, the guy
with the great arms.
I don't... Hmm...
I'll see you Monday.
Monday.
(PIANO MUSIC PLAYING)
That way.
Hey! What are you
guys doing here?
Oh, well, Jim set us up.
Oh, well, isn't that so sweet!
Oh, you enjoy your meal.
(LAUGHING)
What're you doing setting my
sister up with that creep?
(SIGHS) Can't you see?
It's perfect.
Dana needs a man and Buckner
needs to be punished.