04x05 - Episode 5

[bunniefuu]

(ENGINES REV)
(TYRES SQUEAL)

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And let the hoons

be the only arseholes leaving

skid marks in your neighbourhood.

(g*nf*re AND EXPLOSIONS
IN VIDEO GAME)

Hey, bruz.
You met that new fella yet?

Nah, bruz.

Which way?

I don't know, bruz.

He look like he got
something wrong with him.

He's supposed to be
one of them 'hallusionists'.

Illusionists.
Yeah, that's what I said.

But, 'ere...

..I think...

..I think he got the Jawb in him.

What's that? 'Jawb'?

(MOUTHS)

Nah, bruz. You gammon.
Nah, true God. True God, bruz.

(THUNDER CRASHES)
Hey!

Bruz! 'Ere, this cracked!
You want to knock first?

Oh! You get knocked out next time.

(THUNDER CRASHES)

(DRAMATIC MUSIC)

VOICEOVER: .

Voting for Aboriginal people
is finally legalised,

and Lee Keith and Erica Tenner
were two of the first blackfellas

to let their voices be heard
in the ballot box.

But given that it was
their first time,

these blackfellas didn't know
how to use the ballot paper.

Lee just numbered randomly,

while Erica ticked the person
with the coolest-sounding name.

When asked afterwards
who they voted for,

the two shrugged their shoulders
and said, "f*ck knows,"

making them the first Aboriginals
to cast an invalid vote

and creating another great moment
in black history.

Hey, Aunty, I'm back.
I got your stuff.

Show me what ya got.

Alright.
I got one bottle of iced coffee.

Mmm.
One packet of barley sugars.

One set of diabetes medication

from the chemist.

I got one $ crossword scratchie.

I got four $ scratchies.

And I got three $ scratchies.

Aw, nephew, that supposed to be
FOUR $ scratchies.

Well, do you want me to go back and
get you another $ scratchie, then?

No! That's silly.

You're gonna have to
take 'em all back now.

They're all unlucky.

(LAUGHS)
How can your diabetes medication,

a bottle of iced coffee
and barley sugars be unlucky?

I don't know, but why risk it?
Nephew, I'm a old lady.

I can't take chance
with something as serious as luck.

Alright, then, Aunty.

Nephew, wait.

Hit me in the guts
with that iced coffee.

I'll roll the dice just for you
just once.

It would be a tragedy
if I happened to die

drinking an unlucky bottle
of iced coffee.

But that's what you do for family.
You hurry up to them shops now.

I'll drink this for YOU.

(DRINKS)

Ahh!

Yo, yo, yo! Hi.

Hello, everyone. Uh, listening.

So... (LAUGHS)

..as we all know, uh, Janet is, uh,

coming back
from maternity leave today,

and she is bringing the little baby
to meet everyone.

And I just want everything
to be perfect.

Ah! Here she is. Hello.
Welcome back.

(LAUGHS)
Oh, thank you. Oh, my God!

You're glowing!
Thank you.

Oh, you didn't have to!

Oh, shush!

You are a crucial member
of the Piscole advertising team.

Thank you.

And Beryl has knitted you
a very special gift

for the little bundle of joy.

There you go, sweetheart.
Mwah! Thank you, Beryl.

I wonder what it could be!

What do you think?

Um...

Is that a...

Yeah. Sorry.

Beryl, a quick chat to you
in the tearoom.

Cynthia, Harold, care to join me?
Yeah, OK.

Cup of tea, Janet?

Yeah. Sure.

What in the sh*t was that, Beryl?

I'm sorry?

You just gave our First Nation
sister a goddamned golliwog!

If this gets out, it could ruin us!

You have scared away three, three,
minorities this year, Beryl!

Remember when you wished
our Jewish guy "Merry Christmas"?

Hey. Sorry, babe. Milk and sugar?

White with two.
No worries.

See?

This is the type of sh*t
I have to do now

to keep
our First Nation sister happy!

I'm sorry. I'm just old, I guess.

Yeah, that's right.

You're a very, very old person,
aren't you?

That's why we hired you, isn't it,
because you're so old.

But you don't seem to understand
that there is a hierarchy

when it comes to minorities
in this office!

And that means that black people,
they're up here!

You, and little old people,
are all the way down here.

Easy, tiger.

So you get out there
and you grab that golliwog

and you rip its head off,

and you apologise to Janet.

OK.

(LAUGHTER)

Ugh!

Whoo.
I-I'm sorry, Janet.

I was just trying to be nice.

I-I didn't mean to offend.

It's OK, Beryl.

It's OK. Fantastic.

Now that Beryl has cleaned up the
mess she made, a toast, to the baby.

And to workplace equality.

But not too much for Janet.

Uh, we don't want
too much intergenerational damage.

(LAUGHTER)

Glug, glug, glug.

Deadly, sis.

(CHUCKLES)

Nice one, Beryl.

(g*nf*re AND SHATTERING GLASS
IN VIDEO GAME)

Bruz? You noticed anything funny
since that new fella moved in?

Yeah, bruz. Which way you?

Bruz!

Ooh! Hot pizza! Ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh!

(LAUGHS)

Ah, ah! Ah!

Hey.

Did you eat my pizza? It's gone.

Are you sure...

..it's gone?

(LAUGHS)

So, what's the news?
What's my percentage?

Well, Ashmina Cockatoo,
if that is even your real name...

Sorry, I don't understand.

I traced your family line carefully,
ancestor by ancestor,

and you know the first thing
that struck me as odd?

What?

It was easy. Way too easy.

The lines were too clear.

There were no missing links,
no mystery, no gaping holes.

And is that a bad thing?

Blackfella family trees
are never that easy.

There's always gaping holes,
mysteries wrapped in riddles,

a direct result of colonisation
and the stolen generation.

Why do you think this agency exists?

Blackfellas
need investigators like me

to dive deep
into Australia's black history,

to go way off the grid,

to satisfy the need of non-Indigenous
Australia's age-old question

of each individual
Aboriginal person's percentage.

What are you saying?

What?!

Zero.

You are % Aboriginal.

Oh, no.
But that doesn't make any sense.

You've been living a lie, Ashmina.

Your whole family is living a lie.

Uh... uh, no. What about
my great-great-gran, Grace Shirley?

Grace Shirley never existed.
What?

Your father made her up
so he could apply

for an Indigenous scholarship
when he was at university.

Disgusting.
Oh, what about Uncle Tommy?

Adopted.
Grandpa George?

Mexican.
But... my caramel latte skin.

Oh, get over it.
Sis, you just tan easily.

You're not Aboriginal.
What?

You'll never be Aboriginal.

(SOBS) Right.

(BLOWS NOSE)

Now, go on, get out.
(SOBS)

Uncle?

What, nephew?

You know how when flowers have
a smell, we say they have a scent?

And scent is spelt S-C-E-N-T?

Well...

..which letter is the silent letter,

the S or the C?

I guess we'll never know, nephew.

Hmm.
I guess we'll never know.

Hey there.

You're the new guy, right?

Yeah, my... my name's Taon.

Hi, Taon.

Look, Skulldog and I
have approached you today

'cause we're planning
a little bit of a prison riot.

A what?

Prison riot.
Start a couple of fires.

Smash some tables.
k*ll some prison guards.

k*ll a guard?

Just so the boys can let off
a bit of steam.

What happens if I...
I don't partake in this... riot?

I don't really know.
No-one's ever not partaken.

One of two things, really.
One, we might do nothing.

Or, two, we might set you on fire
while you sleep. So...

I guess I'm in.

Fantastic news!

Great to have you on board, Taon.
Hey. Get those weapons ready.

You know?
(LAUGHS) Yep.

Hey! Well, hello there.

(EXCLAIMS) What the f*ck?!

Hello.

Lad! (PANTS AND MOANS)

Ooh! (PANTS)

I'm sorry. Would you like a glass?

Nope.

Good morning!

Who's ready to cash some cheques
and cr*ck some...

..necks?

Um...
Trevor. Please, take a seat.

We need to talk.

Yeah. Al... alright.

So, um, am I getting a promotion?
(LAUGHS)

(OTHERS LAUGH)

Now, Trevor, the company
wouldn't usually involve themselves

in employees' personal situations,
but, uh,

this is starting to affect
the rest of the workplace.

Personal situations?

Miranda, look,
stop b*ating around the bush.

Trevor, you're addicted to Afterpay,

and it's starting to
piss everybody in the office off.

Afterpay?

You reckon I'm addicted to Afterpay?

Mm-hm.

Look, I mean, I-I put
a couple of things on Afterpay,

but I fail to see
how that affects the workplace.

What about
Cheryl's retirement party?

Cheryl, we're really gonna miss you
round here.

And I know I speak for everybody
when I say

seeing your smile
first thing in the morning

was the highlight of our day.

And that's why I took it upon myself
to get you a little gift.

What is it?

It's a jet ski!

What am I gonna do with a jet ski?

Oh, my God, Cheryl! Just say
thank you. You ungrateful old...

You know,
Cheryl still hasn't thanked me.

What about the meeting
with the board of directors?

Our sales are down. You're tanking
the company. Is this a joke to you?!

TREVOR: Look.

We have made some bad decisions.
But we must keep moving forward.

But before we can move forward,
we must look behind us.

Is that a...
Yep. It's a jet ski!

(BLASTS AIR HORN)

And we're gonna ride that baby
on a wave of money next quarter!

Desperate times
call for desperate measures.

What about
when you had to fire Samantha?

Look, it's a hard time
for this company.

A lot of sacrifices
have had to be made.

There's no easy way
to soften this blow.

You're being let go.

Please accept this as your severance
package, courtesy of the company.

Is it a...
Yes. It's a jet ski.

How am I supposed to feed my kids
with a jet ski?

I don't know.

Take it on the river.
Learn how to fish.

I can't do all the thinking
for you anymore, Samantha.

Alright.

I think I've heard quite enough.

See, what you're saying is,

"Trevor, you're 'addicted'
to Afterpay. You need some help."

But what I'm hearing is, "Trevor,

"we don't appreciate your
sick jet skis you buy the office."

And I think that's just about...
This is a place of business, Trevor.

We cannot have
these distractions here.

Now, sit down.

(SIGHS)

Please, don't fire me.
Trevor...

I can't be jobless.
Trevor.

I've got a wife. I've got kids.
I've got an elderly father.

Now I've got three jet skis
I got to pay off!

Trevor.

We're not going to fire you.

But we are putting you with Ryan.

Who the hell is Ryan?

Ryan's one of our new accountants.

He'll be managing your finances
from now on.

RYAN: I'm here to get your life
back on track

and put an end
to your frivolous spending, Trevor.

No more jet skis?
No, mate.

Fine.
OK.

Come on, big guy, back to work.

Um... uh...

..uh, before... get back to work, um,

is anyone...

..interested in buying a jet ski...

Back to work, Trevor!

Yep. Cool. Thank you.

(SEAGULLS CRY)

WOMAN: Help! I'm drowning! Help!

Help!
We're on.

(ALARM BEEPS)
What?

Whoo-hoo! Knock-off time, bro!

WOMAN: Help!
Hey.

You mob better get onto that.

Later, cuz.

WOMAN: Someone help me!

(ROCK MUSIC PLAYS)
(g*nf*re IN VIDEO GAME)

Hey, lad. How long you gonna be?

Alright. (CLEARS THROAT)

We want to play the game too.

Not long. Me and the master
are still playing.

Yeah.
Well, how long is that gonna take?

(DISTORTED VOICE)
We will finish when we are done.

Is she Aboriginal?

Well, she was wearing
an Aboriginal flag T-shirt

and was wearing
red, yellow and black beads, so...

And she had a tattoo that said
"Always was, always will be,"

and it had, like,
wavy lines and dots around it.

Oh, that all sounds
pretty Aboriginal, I guess.

Mmm.

But I knew a man who worked
at the health service

who always wore
red, black and yellow.

Turns out he's Scottish.
Mmm.

And speaking of, she has very red
hair and her nose is really straight.

Mmm. That sounds a bit eugenical.

Mm-hm, yeah.
And you know what they say.

"Doesn't matter how much milk
you put in coffee, it's still..."

Coffee, right.
Mmm.

What'd she say when you met her?

"Yaama, tid."

'Yaama'?
'Yaama'.

Is that a word?
'Yaama'?

'Yaama'.
'Yaama'. I don't know.

Maybe they say it, like,
really far west or something.

Mmm. She called me 'tid'.

(GASPS) And you don't say 'tid'
unless you're a sis.

Right! Unless she meant 'tit'.

Like, "Hello, tit"?
Mm-hm.

Oh, that's weird.
Mmm.

Did she mention
what mob she was from?

She said, "My mob's from up ways,
in Bundjalung land."

'In' Bundjalung land? Not 'on'?
Yep, 'in'.

Who says 'in' land? You can't
be 'in' land. Did she mean 'on'?

Nah, she definitely said 'in'.

Maybe she was talking about, like,

you know how we're all
FROM the land?

Maybe she's still IN the land.

That make sense?
Not really.

Oh. She calls Uncle Jim 'Uncle'.

Yeah, but every white person

calls every Aboriginal person
'uncle' or 'aunty', so...

True. Mmm.

Wait a minute.

She can't be Aboriginal.

What do you mean?
She has dreads.

Dreads. Dreads.
BOTH: Dreads!

Dreads!

Dreads!
BOTH: Dreads!

Definitely white.

Gubba all the way.
Mmm. Bless her.

Mmm.

(CICADAS CHIRP)

(SIGHS)

I've always had a strong connection
to this land.

This beautiful vast brown land.

But not as connected
as the last three days,

when I stepped on this bloody thing!

Arggh! Ah! Ah!

(RATTLES TRAP) Oh!

(EXHALES)

Arggh!

(SIGHS)

Mmm! Bub, that smells beautiful.

Mmm-ah! Just like you. (LAUGHS)

Thanks, babe, but...
I didn't cook it.

Your roommate did.

He... wanted to do
something nice for you.

Who?

Whoa!

(PANTS)

(SCREAMS)

(PANTS) Bub, don't eat it!

What the hell's wrong with you?
The fish! It's a devil fish!

And if you eat it,
you're gonna get sick. (STAMMERS)

And you. I know who you are. (PANTS)

He's the Jawb!
W-what?!

The Jawb!

Satan! Lucifer!

(PANTS)

I know you.
You... you... you can't hide here.

Who's hiding?
(BOTH SCREAM)

(PANTS)

OK. OK. OK, Satan.

You better leave this place now.
I-I command you!

Oh! What are you doing
with the internet?

Well, it's in my name.
I'm the only one who pays for it.

Nah. I was just gammon, cuz.
You can stay, brother boy.

(FUNKY MUSIC)

Alright, you mob, we're here today

'cause these two
want to get married up

and live happily ever after
like Shrek and Fiona.

But before anybody
go chucking their ring around,

let me ask you two
a couple of questions,

see if you still
want to get married then.

Better make sure, Dadda.
Go on. Ask 'em.

(MOUTHS)

So, you want to marry him, eh?
Yes.

Even if he leg fall off?

I'd buy a wheelchair!

Not the leg he standing on.
You know what leg I'm talking about.

Yeah, I know.
(LAUGHTER)

Even if them six kids
he never told you about

rock up at your doorstep one day?

Eh, what?
No, uh, I... I can explain. Um...

And you, brother boy,
you still gonna want to marry her

even if she can't cook
a good bully beef curry?

I'll just cook for her.

Even if her brothers want to fight
every time you have a disagreement?

And she got four
and they all been jailed.

Eh, what?

Or what about if youse two family
have a big fight

and they never want to
talk to either of you ever again?

BOTH: I do. We still want to
get married up, Dadda!

Ah, you two solid.

Alright, before anybody
go chucking their ring around,

bring me that family tree so we can
make sure they're not related.

Hey!

You my nephew.
I am?

(LAUGHS) Deadly!

Nope. They all good. They alright.

Alright. You can put your rings on it
now. Put your rings on your fingers.

That's my wifey!

(LAUGHS)
Aw!

OTHERS: Aw!

That's my man!

(MOUTHS)

I now pronounce you husband and wife.

Go on, kiss now, ya big itchy forks!

(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE)

OK, Trevor, I'm off.
No worries, mate.

Uh, I'm just gonna stick around a
little bit longer, do some overtime,

you know,
start breaking down this debt.

You sure?
Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Jeez, you're going good.

Oh, well, I'll see you tomorrow.

Too easy. Thank you, Ryan.
OK.

Hey, don't work too hard.
I won't.

(LAUGHS) See ya, mate.
See ya, mate.

(SIGHS)

Oh, yeah.

Sick!

Everything is gonna be OK.