Hello.
Hello. Welcome
to the smoke 'n' slab.
How may I help you?
Oh, uh,
a table for two, please.
Uh, actually,
a table for three.
Oh, great. Let me just clear
a table. Excuse me.
A table for three?
What, are we, uh,
expecting somebody?
Oh, well, no,
but, you know,
it's a new restaurant,
new crowd.
A table for two
sounds a little romantic.
If you're really worried
about that, Andy,
why do you
always sit next to me
instead of across from me?
Well, that's just cozy.
Okay, romantic's not good,
but cozy's okay?
Men can be cozy, Jim,
like we're
in a sleeping bag.
A sleeping bag?
No, no, no, you know what?
When the girl comes back,
let's just tell her
that my girlfriend's coming.
She's just running
a little late.
How come you get
the girlfriend?
Because you're married.
Fine. Here.
You be married, and I'll take
the pretend girl.
Oh, great, Jim.
Now everyone just saw you
give me a ring.
Okay, I'm not marrying him,
okay?
My girlfriend's
just running late.
Oh, my god.
Jim, is that you?
Yes. Victoria!
Oh, Andy, Andy,
this is Victoria.
We dated like, what,
years ago?
Uh, , remember?
It was .
The bears just won
the super bowl.
When you broke up
with me, you said,
"world champions
can't be tied down."
Yeah, that sounds like me.
You--you look great.
Thank you. So do you.
Oh.
Agreed.
About you, not him.
Damn it!
So what are you doing here?
You work here?
Actually, I own the place.
This way.
Oh. You own this place?
Mm-hmm.
Oh, Victoria,
that is great.
Oh, uh, this is Andy,
my partner.
Business partner.
Yeah, uh, uh, we're cozy,
not married.
You know what?
I'm just gonna wait outside
for my girl, all right?
And--and her limo, yeah,
where we make out.
You know what?
When I married his sister,
he was part of the deal.
Oh.
Sit down. God.
Tell me what's up.
Well, I spent a little time
in Memphis.
Uh-huh.
I got married.
He cheated.
So I dumped him
and stole his barbecue recipe.
Gee, I don't know if I should
feel sad about your divorce
or happy that you got
the recipe.
Well...
It's a really good recipe.
And the marriage
was never gonna work.
Uh-huh.
He was never
as good as you.
Uh...
I'm just kidding around.
Oh, oh, oh!
Kind of.
♪♪♪
Mom, I'm missing a big party
this weekend.
Oh, honey, there'll be more.
Why do we have to go
to California to see aunt Dana?
Because she wants to see
everybody.
Then how come
dad's not going?
Well, honey, she doesn't
want to see everybody.
Now run to the car with Gracie
and the babies. Go on.
Hello.
Hey. How was
the barbecue place?
Here it comes--
the third degree.
What are you
talking about?
Okay, it turns out
one of my old girlfriends
owns the place, all right?
Oh.
I said it. I admitted it. Now
can we please just move on?
Okay. What'd you get?
I got nothing!
I didn't even touch her.
Oh, Jim.
Okay, okay,
I got a good-bye hug.
What am I, a monk?
I meant
what did you get to eat?
Well--
why are you getting
so defensive?
I don't care that
you ran into an old friend.
Okay. All right.
But just so we get this
out in the open,
Victoria was extremely
flirtatious.
And she looked fantastic.
She didn't get fat
like your friend Herbert.
Fine, Jim.
My seventh grade boyfriend
got fat.
You win.
Thank you.
Anyway, I'm sure you enjoyed
having her flirt with you.
No. Are you kidding me?
Come on. It was t*rture.
I can't even stand it
when women look at me.
Would you stop it?
Seriously. That's why I got rid
of those spandex bike shorts.
And you know how much
I loved those, Cheryl.
Jim, I got rid
of those shorts,
and only because
the judge made me.
Well, I'd like to see Herbert
squeeze into those shorts.
All I'm saying is,
it's fine with me
that you got a little ego boost
from Victoria.
You're kidding, right?
No.
An attractive woman
flirting with me--
you're fine with that?
Honey, we all need
a little ego validation
every now and then.
I know I do.
Hold the phone.
You?
I'm the only one
that should be
paying attention to you.
Are you going somewhere?
California.
What are you going
to California for?
To visit Dana.
Oh. Go. Bye. Take care.
Be sure to tell her
I didn't say hi.
Okay.
I like it when Cheryl
goes out of town.
Yeah, it has its advantages.
So you told Cheryl
all about Victoria?
Oh, she didn't even care.
Hmm?
I wonder if Victoria
somehow knew
Cheryl was going
out of town.
You didn't even know
Cheryl was going out of town.
That's my point.
Victoria is
an evil genius.
Hold on.
Hello?
It's Victoria.
Oh, my god.
Oh, my god, it's a Booty call!
Hang up, hang up!
Whew! That was close.
My serve.
Hold on.
Hello?
It's her again!
She's not gonna take no
for an answer.
Just sleep with her
and get it over with.
- Are you crazy?
- Hello?
Uh, dinner tonight?
Say no, say no!
Your treat?
Say yes, say yes!
Okay,
we'll see you at : .
Okay, all right.
Let's not panic.
Let's not panic, Jim.
Uh, it's gonna be okay.
Hey, hey, hey,
I'll go with you.
I'll be your chaperone.
Oh, thank you, Andy.
You're a good friend.
Why did I have to be born
so damn sexy?
I ask myself
that same question every day.
About me, not you. Damn!
So I'm sitting in the bleachers
at wrigley field.
I got a beer in my right hand
and a baby in my left.
Soriano hits the ball
out of the park.
It's coming right at me.
I give the guy to my right
the beer.
I give the guy to my left
the baby.
I catch the ball, stand up,
take a bow,
grab the beer
on the right of me.
What happened to the baby?
I asked the same question...
Four innings later.
Oh, my god.
But I got the ball!
Jim, I really like
this shirt on you.
Here we go.
Well, my wife got it for me,
and I'm not taking it off
no matter what you say.
I used to love
to shop for you.
Remember those bike shorts
I got you?
I, uh,
i-i-i don't remember those.
Sure you do, Jim. You know,
the ones the judge said--
I don't remember.
Listen, our old stories
are probably just boring
the hell
out of my wife's brother here.
I mean, he's known my wife
for years and years.
Uh, yeah, it's true.
Cheryl's my big sister,
but we weren't introduced
till I was .
Apparently
my parents weren't sure
if they were gonna keep me.
What a big mistake
I think they made, right?
You guys are both so funny.
I think you've earned
some cheesecake.
Mmm!
Oh, if there's one piece
bigger than the other,
I think I've been
a little funnier.
Oh, come on.
My god, how blatant
is that woman?
I know.
She is all over me.
What?!
Oh, yeah, I'm getting
a heck of a vibe from her.
Come on!
If I give you the high sign,
take the hint and skedaddle.
Andy, please.
What?
She is way
out of your league.
What are you talking about?
She dated you.
Yeah, the major league.
Oh.
Come on. I married Cheryl.
I dated Victoria.
You know,
the prettiest date
you've had for lunch
in weeks is me.
Here you go, guys.
Ooh, that looks good.
Thank you.
Victoria.
Hmm?
You and me,
dinner tomorrow night--
what do you say?
Um, I'm sorry. My brother-in-law
seems to think--
I'd love to!
Oh!
Oh!
I was hoping
you'd ask me out.
You were?
It sounds like a blast.
We'll have dinner here.
Oh, yeah, but unlike
my egotistical friend here,
I'll actually pay.
Let me go get us
some clean forks.
Hey, Jim, eyes, nose, mouth
and me dating Victoria.
What's that?
Things that are
in yo' face!
I'm gonna put this
in your face right now.
Hello, James.
Hello, Andrew.
In case you're
wondering why I came over,
it's for the purposes
of gloating.
Well, gloat away, my friend.
Oh.
Victoria asked me
to pick her up at her place,
and you know
what that means.
She gave you the address
of the public library?
You wish. I've already driven
by her house four times.
And if she's wearing that dress
that's lying on her bed,
tonight's gon' be hot!
Well, Andy, you have
a great time tonight.
Tell me how it goes.
Wait, wait. No, wait.
Ah, why aren't you
yelling at me
and smacking me
on the forehead?
Because I think I'm gonna
let life do that for me.
See, I've been
thinking about it.
I figured out
there's only one reason
Victoria is dating you.
Hmm?
To get to me.
You are unbelievable, man!
You're just upset
'cause I stole your ego boost.
Hey, no, no, no, no.
We went head to head,
my friend, and I won.
Please, please, Andy.
If I open a door
even a cr*ck for Victoria,
she will jump me
right there
in front
of the takeout counter.
Have you been drinking?
A little.
Yeah, but I figured this out
way before that.
All I need to say
to Victoria
is four little words--
hmm?
"Cheryl doesn't
understand me."
You were right.
This is cozy.
Oh, see? It's like we're
about to order dessert
in a sleeping bag.
I wasn't gonna
order dessert.
Well, then, we're just
in a sleeping bag.
Andy, you are
such a great guy.
Oh.
How is it possible
you're still not married?
Well--
hey, guys.
I hope I didn't interrupt
anything.
It's a little late for that.
What the hell
are you doing here?
Oh, I just came by
for some takeout.
You know,
with the wife gone...
Again.
Jim!
Hmm?
We were just
not talking about you.
Oh, I'm sure you have
more important things
to talk about.
All right, I'll just go over
to the takeout counter here,
get my dinner...
For one.
Oh, gosh, I...
I forgot my wallet.
Shocker.
Don't worry.
It's on the house.
Oh, how sweet of you.
That's really nice.
You know, Cheryl always
gets upset at me
when I lose my wallet.
Actually, she's been getting
upset with me a lot lately.
I don't know.
I try to make her happy,
and I just can't.
Oh, my gosh.
Is that true?
Of course
it's not true!
Andy, please,
you do not know
what's going on
behind closed doors.
I mean, I've tried
everything, but...
Cheryl doesn't understand me.
That's terrible.
Mm-hmm.
So...
See you later.
Fine.
See you later.
Okay, good game.
So... where were we?
Oh, I believe
we were halfway through
the perfect first date.
Oh.
So the pressure's on.
Don't worry.
I close strong.
I forgot how much I love
when you play
your harmonica.
Gosh... I forgot, too.
Um, excuse me.
I'm just gonna go see
if I can get him
to play a little louder.
Um...
What the hell
you think you're doing?
I'm in yo' face!
Oh, are ya?
Yeah.
Yeah, okay, I see.
You wanna play, old man?
Yeah! I wanna play!
Yeah? Okay.
Well, then play this.
Andy!
Andy, that is my c-harp.
That cost me $ .
plus shipping and delivery!
Jim, why don't you
take that c-harp and blow?
All right, Andy.
I will.
Jim!
What?
Knock it off.
What are you doing?
Why are you ruining
my date with Andy
and tainting
my coleslaw bar?
Didn't you hear me before?
Cheryl
doesn't understand me.
Who can blame her?
You're a nutcase.
It's okay.
He's with her now,
but he'll come back to you
eventually.
Hello! We're ho--
what the hell?
Is there a homeless man
on our table?
Um, honey, why don't you go
help your brother and sister
get the babies
out of the car?
Thank you, sweetie.
Cheryl.
You're home already?
Yeah. I guess you forgot
we were coming home today.
Yeah. Wow.
Where were you?
Jim...
Did you go on a bender?
Yeah, I mean...
Not really...
You know, a bender bender.
I mean...
I-I ran out of beer yesterday
and liquor the day before.
So i-i... tried to make some
vodka out of the potato chips,
and then I tried to make,
um,
sake out
of the instant rice.
And, uh, it didn't seem
to work so good.
Okay, I got two questions.
Um, number one--why are you
drinking so much?
And number two--why didn't you
just go to the liquor store?
You know, my uncle Lou had
a miracle cure for hangovers,
and the first ingredient
wasn't your annoying questions.
Okay. Let me see if I can
piece together
what happened
while I was gone.
I wish you would, because
there's long stretches missing.
Okay, we got a lot
of beer bottles...
Uh-huh.
Pizza...
A photo album with pictures
of you and Victoria....
And... a picture of Andy
that you drew on
and wrote the word "derk"?
Well, it's supposed to be
"jerk,"
but I tried to sober up a little
and I got the shakes.
Okay.
So...
You ran into Victoria
and got a kick out of her
boosting your ego,
which was great,
until she fell for Andy.
And that made you crazy,
so you gave her
your "a" game,
maybe even broke out
the harmonica,
and she sh*t you down.
I was this close, Cheryl.
I was this close!
Oh, honey.
Well, better luck next time.
Cheryl, wh-where is this
attitude from?
You approved this. You said,
"enjoy your ego boost."
If an ego boost
should present itself to you,
then yes,
it's okay to enjoy it.
So... thanks.
So what's the problem?
But if you go in search
of an ego boost,
then try to steal
your best friend's date
when your wife
is out of town,
that could be construed
as inappropriate.
Oh.
Yeah.
I get it.
Good.
I do get it.
I'm glad.
I get how
you caused the problem.
What?
You can't leave me alone.
You're always out
with your mother
or going to see Dana
in California
or taking the babies
to the park.
You know
I need more attention!
Okay.
Let me get this straight.
I just spent four hours
on a plane with five children.
I begged you to come.
You wouldn't.
You hit on an ex-girlfriend
and tried
to drink homemade sake,
and yet this is my fault?
Oh, Cheryl,
you do understand me.
All right, Andy,
you know I'm not one
to apologize.
Yes.
Here.
Thank you.
But I need to say this.
I may have crossed the line
between you and Victoria.
Oh, thanks,
but you don't need
to apologize.
She dump you?
I dumped her.
Why?
Well, last night we were...
Making scissors,
and, uh...
Ah, something happened.
She called out my name?
Repeatedly.
Yes!
Over and over.
Yes!
Well after we had stopped.
I was sitting
right in front of her.
There's no way
she could've missed me.
Yes, yes, yes!
I knew it! I knew it!
Whiskers, nose hairs, teeth
and my undeniable sexiness.
Oh, don't be a derk.
Things in yo' face!
Oh, oh, oh, oh, yeah, yeah,
yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah!
Kiss it, brother!
Hello.
Hello. Welcome
to the smoke 'n' slab.
How may I help you?
Oh, uh,
a table for two, please.
Uh, actually,
a table for three.
Oh, great. Let me just clear
a table. Excuse me.
A table for three?
What, are we, uh,
expecting somebody?
Oh, well, no,
but, you know,
it's a new restaurant,
new crowd.
A table for two
sounds a little romantic.
If you're really worried
about that, Andy,
why do you
always sit next to me
instead of across from me?
Well, that's just cozy.
Okay, romantic's not good,
but cozy's okay?
Men can be cozy, Jim,
like we're
in a sleeping bag.
A sleeping bag?
No, no, no, you know what?
When the girl comes back,
let's just tell her
that my girlfriend's coming.
She's just running
a little late.
How come you get
the girlfriend?
Because you're married.
Fine. Here.
You be married, and I'll take
the pretend girl.
Oh, great, Jim.
Now everyone just saw you
give me a ring.
Okay, I'm not marrying him,
okay?
My girlfriend's
just running late.
Oh, my god.
Jim, is that you?
Yes. Victoria!
Oh, Andy, Andy,
this is Victoria.
We dated like, what,
years ago?
Uh, , remember?
It was .
The bears just won
the super bowl.
When you broke up
with me, you said,
"world champions
can't be tied down."
Yeah, that sounds like me.
You--you look great.
Thank you. So do you.
Oh.
Agreed.
About you, not him.
Damn it!
So what are you doing here?
You work here?
Actually, I own the place.
This way.
Oh. You own this place?
Mm-hmm.
Oh, Victoria,
that is great.
Oh, uh, this is Andy,
my partner.
Business partner.
Yeah, uh, uh, we're cozy,
not married.
You know what?
I'm just gonna wait outside
for my girl, all right?
And--and her limo, yeah,
where we make out.
You know what?
When I married his sister,
he was part of the deal.
Oh.
Sit down. God.
Tell me what's up.
Well, I spent a little time
in Memphis.
Uh-huh.
I got married.
He cheated.
So I dumped him
and stole his barbecue recipe.
Gee, I don't know if I should
feel sad about your divorce
or happy that you got
the recipe.
Well...
It's a really good recipe.
And the marriage
was never gonna work.
Uh-huh.
He was never
as good as you.
Uh...
I'm just kidding around.
Oh, oh, oh!
Kind of.
♪♪♪
Mom, I'm missing a big party
this weekend.
Oh, honey, there'll be more.
Why do we have to go
to California to see aunt Dana?
Because she wants to see
everybody.
Then how come
dad's not going?
Well, honey, she doesn't
want to see everybody.
Now run to the car with Gracie
and the babies. Go on.
Hello.
Hey. How was
the barbecue place?
Here it comes--
the third degree.
What are you
talking about?
Okay, it turns out
one of my old girlfriends
owns the place, all right?
Oh.
I said it. I admitted it. Now
can we please just move on?
Okay. What'd you get?
I got nothing!
I didn't even touch her.
Oh, Jim.
Okay, okay,
I got a good-bye hug.
What am I, a monk?
I meant
what did you get to eat?
Well--
why are you getting
so defensive?
I don't care that
you ran into an old friend.
Okay. All right.
But just so we get this
out in the open,
Victoria was extremely
flirtatious.
And she looked fantastic.
She didn't get fat
like your friend Herbert.
Fine, Jim.
My seventh grade boyfriend
got fat.
You win.
Thank you.
Anyway, I'm sure you enjoyed
having her flirt with you.
No. Are you kidding me?
Come on. It was t*rture.
I can't even stand it
when women look at me.
Would you stop it?
Seriously. That's why I got rid
of those spandex bike shorts.
And you know how much
I loved those, Cheryl.
Jim, I got rid
of those shorts,
and only because
the judge made me.
Well, I'd like to see Herbert
squeeze into those shorts.
All I'm saying is,
it's fine with me
that you got a little ego boost
from Victoria.
You're kidding, right?
No.
An attractive woman
flirting with me--
you're fine with that?
Honey, we all need
a little ego validation
every now and then.
I know I do.
Hold the phone.
You?
I'm the only one
that should be
paying attention to you.
Are you going somewhere?
California.
What are you going
to California for?
To visit Dana.
Oh. Go. Bye. Take care.
Be sure to tell her
I didn't say hi.
Okay.
I like it when Cheryl
goes out of town.
Yeah, it has its advantages.
So you told Cheryl
all about Victoria?
Oh, she didn't even care.
Hmm?
I wonder if Victoria
somehow knew
Cheryl was going
out of town.
You didn't even know
Cheryl was going out of town.
That's my point.
Victoria is
an evil genius.
Hold on.
Hello?
It's Victoria.
Oh, my god.
Oh, my god, it's a Booty call!
Hang up, hang up!
Whew! That was close.
My serve.
Hold on.
Hello?
It's her again!
She's not gonna take no
for an answer.
Just sleep with her
and get it over with.
- Are you crazy?
- Hello?
Uh, dinner tonight?
Say no, say no!
Your treat?
Say yes, say yes!
Okay,
we'll see you at : .
Okay, all right.
Let's not panic.
Let's not panic, Jim.
Uh, it's gonna be okay.
Hey, hey, hey,
I'll go with you.
I'll be your chaperone.
Oh, thank you, Andy.
You're a good friend.
Why did I have to be born
so damn sexy?
I ask myself
that same question every day.
About me, not you. Damn!
So I'm sitting in the bleachers
at wrigley field.
I got a beer in my right hand
and a baby in my left.
Soriano hits the ball
out of the park.
It's coming right at me.
I give the guy to my right
the beer.
I give the guy to my left
the baby.
I catch the ball, stand up,
take a bow,
grab the beer
on the right of me.
What happened to the baby?
I asked the same question...
Four innings later.
Oh, my god.
But I got the ball!
Jim, I really like
this shirt on you.
Here we go.
Well, my wife got it for me,
and I'm not taking it off
no matter what you say.
I used to love
to shop for you.
Remember those bike shorts
I got you?
I, uh,
i-i-i don't remember those.
Sure you do, Jim. You know,
the ones the judge said--
I don't remember.
Listen, our old stories
are probably just boring
the hell
out of my wife's brother here.
I mean, he's known my wife
for years and years.
Uh, yeah, it's true.
Cheryl's my big sister,
but we weren't introduced
till I was .
Apparently
my parents weren't sure
if they were gonna keep me.
What a big mistake
I think they made, right?
You guys are both so funny.
I think you've earned
some cheesecake.
Mmm!
Oh, if there's one piece
bigger than the other,
I think I've been
a little funnier.
Oh, come on.
My god, how blatant
is that woman?
I know.
She is all over me.
What?!
Oh, yeah, I'm getting
a heck of a vibe from her.
Come on!
If I give you the high sign,
take the hint and skedaddle.
Andy, please.
What?
She is way
out of your league.
What are you talking about?
She dated you.
Yeah, the major league.
Oh.
Come on. I married Cheryl.
I dated Victoria.
You know,
the prettiest date
you've had for lunch
in weeks is me.
Here you go, guys.
Ooh, that looks good.
Thank you.
Victoria.
Hmm?
You and me,
dinner tomorrow night--
what do you say?
Um, I'm sorry. My brother-in-law
seems to think--
I'd love to!
Oh!
Oh!
I was hoping
you'd ask me out.
You were?
It sounds like a blast.
We'll have dinner here.
Oh, yeah, but unlike
my egotistical friend here,
I'll actually pay.
Let me go get us
some clean forks.
Hey, Jim, eyes, nose, mouth
and me dating Victoria.
What's that?
Things that are
in yo' face!
I'm gonna put this
in your face right now.
Hello, James.
Hello, Andrew.
In case you're
wondering why I came over,
it's for the purposes
of gloating.
Well, gloat away, my friend.
Oh.
Victoria asked me
to pick her up at her place,
and you know
what that means.
She gave you the address
of the public library?
You wish. I've already driven
by her house four times.
And if she's wearing that dress
that's lying on her bed,
tonight's gon' be hot!
Well, Andy, you have
a great time tonight.
Tell me how it goes.
Wait, wait. No, wait.
Ah, why aren't you
yelling at me
and smacking me
on the forehead?
Because I think I'm gonna
let life do that for me.
See, I've been
thinking about it.
I figured out
there's only one reason
Victoria is dating you.
Hmm?
To get to me.
You are unbelievable, man!
You're just upset
'cause I stole your ego boost.
Hey, no, no, no, no.
We went head to head,
my friend, and I won.
Please, please, Andy.
If I open a door
even a cr*ck for Victoria,
she will jump me
right there
in front
of the takeout counter.
Have you been drinking?
A little.
Yeah, but I figured this out
way before that.
All I need to say
to Victoria
is four little words--
hmm?
"Cheryl doesn't
understand me."
You were right.
This is cozy.
Oh, see? It's like we're
about to order dessert
in a sleeping bag.
I wasn't gonna
order dessert.
Well, then, we're just
in a sleeping bag.
Andy, you are
such a great guy.
Oh.
How is it possible
you're still not married?
Well--
hey, guys.
I hope I didn't interrupt
anything.
It's a little late for that.
What the hell
are you doing here?
Oh, I just came by
for some takeout.
You know,
with the wife gone...
Again.
Jim!
Hmm?
We were just
not talking about you.
Oh, I'm sure you have
more important things
to talk about.
All right, I'll just go over
to the takeout counter here,
get my dinner...
For one.
Oh, gosh, I...
I forgot my wallet.
Shocker.
Don't worry.
It's on the house.
Oh, how sweet of you.
That's really nice.
You know, Cheryl always
gets upset at me
when I lose my wallet.
Actually, she's been getting
upset with me a lot lately.
I don't know.
I try to make her happy,
and I just can't.
Oh, my gosh.
Is that true?
Of course
it's not true!
Andy, please,
you do not know
what's going on
behind closed doors.
I mean, I've tried
everything, but...
Cheryl doesn't understand me.
That's terrible.
Mm-hmm.
So...
See you later.
Fine.
See you later.
Okay, good game.
So... where were we?
Oh, I believe
we were halfway through
the perfect first date.
Oh.
So the pressure's on.
Don't worry.
I close strong.
I forgot how much I love
when you play
your harmonica.
Gosh... I forgot, too.
Um, excuse me.
I'm just gonna go see
if I can get him
to play a little louder.
Um...
What the hell
you think you're doing?
I'm in yo' face!
Oh, are ya?
Yeah.
Yeah, okay, I see.
You wanna play, old man?
Yeah! I wanna play!
Yeah? Okay.
Well, then play this.
Andy!
Andy, that is my c-harp.
That cost me $ .
plus shipping and delivery!
Jim, why don't you
take that c-harp and blow?
All right, Andy.
I will.
Jim!
What?
Knock it off.
What are you doing?
Why are you ruining
my date with Andy
and tainting
my coleslaw bar?
Didn't you hear me before?
Cheryl
doesn't understand me.
Who can blame her?
You're a nutcase.
It's okay.
He's with her now,
but he'll come back to you
eventually.
Hello! We're ho--
what the hell?
Is there a homeless man
on our table?
Um, honey, why don't you go
help your brother and sister
get the babies
out of the car?
Thank you, sweetie.
Cheryl.
You're home already?
Yeah. I guess you forgot
we were coming home today.
Yeah. Wow.
Where were you?
Jim...
Did you go on a bender?
Yeah, I mean...
Not really...
You know, a bender bender.
I mean...
I-I ran out of beer yesterday
and liquor the day before.
So i-i... tried to make some
vodka out of the potato chips,
and then I tried to make,
um,
sake out
of the instant rice.
And, uh, it didn't seem
to work so good.
Okay, I got two questions.
Um, number one--why are you
drinking so much?
And number two--why didn't you
just go to the liquor store?
You know, my uncle Lou had
a miracle cure for hangovers,
and the first ingredient
wasn't your annoying questions.
Okay. Let me see if I can
piece together
what happened
while I was gone.
I wish you would, because
there's long stretches missing.
Okay, we got a lot
of beer bottles...
Uh-huh.
Pizza...
A photo album with pictures
of you and Victoria....
And... a picture of Andy
that you drew on
and wrote the word "derk"?
Well, it's supposed to be
"jerk,"
but I tried to sober up a little
and I got the shakes.
Okay.
So...
You ran into Victoria
and got a kick out of her
boosting your ego,
which was great,
until she fell for Andy.
And that made you crazy,
so you gave her
your "a" game,
maybe even broke out
the harmonica,
and she sh*t you down.
I was this close, Cheryl.
I was this close!
Oh, honey.
Well, better luck next time.
Cheryl, wh-where is this
attitude from?
You approved this. You said,
"enjoy your ego boost."
If an ego boost
should present itself to you,
then yes,
it's okay to enjoy it.
So... thanks.
So what's the problem?
But if you go in search
of an ego boost,
then try to steal
your best friend's date
when your wife
is out of town,
that could be construed
as inappropriate.
Oh.
Yeah.
I get it.
Good.
I do get it.
I'm glad.
I get how
you caused the problem.
What?
You can't leave me alone.
You're always out
with your mother
or going to see Dana
in California
or taking the babies
to the park.
You know
I need more attention!
Okay.
Let me get this straight.
I just spent four hours
on a plane with five children.
I begged you to come.
You wouldn't.
You hit on an ex-girlfriend
and tried
to drink homemade sake,
and yet this is my fault?
Oh, Cheryl,
you do understand me.
All right, Andy,
you know I'm not one
to apologize.
Yes.
Here.
Thank you.
But I need to say this.
I may have crossed the line
between you and Victoria.
Oh, thanks,
but you don't need
to apologize.
She dump you?
I dumped her.
Why?
Well, last night we were...
Making scissors,
and, uh...
Ah, something happened.
She called out my name?
Repeatedly.
Yes!
Over and over.
Yes!
Well after we had stopped.
I was sitting
right in front of her.
There's no way
she could've missed me.
Yes, yes, yes!
I knew it! I knew it!
Whiskers, nose hairs, teeth
and my undeniable sexiness.
Oh, don't be a derk.
Things in yo' face!
Oh, oh, oh, oh, yeah, yeah,
yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah!
Kiss it, brother!