You don't have
to ring twice, Mandy.
Hi, Jim.
Hi.
Ruby! It's time
for your piano lesson.
You know,
before they come down,
can I just talk to you about
the last check you wrote me?
Sure.
It was $ short.
Well, I charge for
the equipment rental fee.
For your piano?
You're welcome
to bring your own.
But $ a week?
Yeah, $ for the piano,
$ for the bench.
You're welcome to stand.
Hey, Ruby.
Hi, Mandy.
Hey, Ruby,
have you been practicing?
When I have enough money
for the equipment rental.
Well, look on
the bright side, honey,
you're really getting good
at playing standing up.
♪♪♪
Kyle, we've talked
about the staring before.
It really creeps daddy out.
Can I talk to you
for a second?
Well...
Your mom's gonna
be home eventually.
It's pretty important.
More important
than box scores?
Yes.
Do you even know
what box scores are?
No.
All right, sh**t.
Um...
Wait a second.
Not that one again.
Sounds like raccoons
running over the keys.
Come on. Let's go out on
the patio where it's quiet.
Hey, Ruby!
That sounds great!
You must be sitting
on that bench again!
No, I'm not!
Oh, all right.
What is it--
bad dreams,
monster in the closet,
cholesterol
a little too high?
I like a girl.
Yes!
You like a girl?
Come here.
Give me a hug. Oh.
You said
we aren't supposed to hug.
I know. I know.
But now I don't have
to worry about you.
Okay. All right.
So tell me,
who's the lucky girl?
Is it that cute girl
from school?
Emily? No way.
Oh.
Uh, the little blonde
from karate class?
Julia? Gross.
Oh, I-I know who it is.
It's that dark-haired girl with
the backpack and the monkey.
That's dora the explorer.
Right, right,
right, right, right.
So come on,
who is it?
It's Mandy
the piano teacher.
Hey, rub.
Oh, and you are?
Uh, I'm Mandy.
I'm Ruby's piano teacher.
Okay, okay.
Good to meet you, Mandy.
Can I go spend the rest of
my lesson texting my friends?
That's what
I'm gonna do.
Was that good?
Hmm, I see you've been
practicing at home.
Mm. Mm. Unh-unh.
Stop. Stop it! Jim's coming!
Jim's coming!
Andy.
Shh! Shh! Shut up.
I hear his labored breathing.
Oh, false alarm.
It's just the furnace
kicking in.
All right.
No, you know what? I do not
want to keep this relationship
a secret from Jim anymore.
Look, I told you.
We have to.
Now come on over to my place
when you're done.
But don't use the front door.
Jim can see it from the window.
And park in back.
Wait.
That is ridiculous.
You know what,
you're right.
Park three blocks away,
jump the back fence,
hide in the toolshed.
If he comes back
for his hedge clippers,
then jump
in the compost bin.
Andy, I am tired of this.
We are both adults.
We're both single.
Yeah, but, Mandy,
Jim will k*ll me
if he finds out that I've been
dating the kids' piano teacher
without his permission.
It is forbidden.
You need his permission?
I need Jim's permission
to change the radio station
in the car,
my car
when he's not there.
Oh.
No--
co--baby love.
I just--i just don't want Jim
coming between us.
Oh. Is that because you think
I might be the one?
Mandy, please, look at me.
Anyone who kisses back
might be the one.
I think I hear Jim coming.
Aah!
Well, Kyle,
there's nothing wrong
with having a crush
on an older woman.
As a matter of fact,
when I was young,
I had a crush
on my teacher.
What happened?
Well, I asked her
to go to the picnic.
She said, "no."
And ten years later
I met her daughter
and got even
with the old broad.
By taking her to a picnic?
By taking her to a picnic.
So I should ask Mandy out?
Sure. Sure.
It--it--it's good for
your confidence with women.
Go ahead. Go for it. Tell me how
you're gonna do it. Show me.
I was thinking I'd start
with a knock-knock joke.
Oh, sweetie, that sounds great,
a knock-knock joke.
Try it out on me.
Ding-dong.
Honey, that--that's
not how it starts.
That's not how it starts,
who?
You're creeping me out
staring at me like that.
I'm just starting to feel like
I don't mean anything to you.
Oh, no.
Come on.
Mandy, you're my girl.
You're my world.
Mandy?
You are
the kids' piano teacher.
Well, it's--it's nice
to finally meet you.
Sandy, is it?
No, it's Mandy,
and she's on my dime.
Oh, all right.
Uh, Kyle here would like
to ask you something, Mandy.
Ding-dong.
Kyle.
I mean, Mandy, would you like to
watch a movie with me tonight?
Oh, how sweet.
Did you just ask me
out on a date?
Did you just ask me out
on a date, who?
Uh, Kyle,
you did a fine job, very good,
but, you know, Mandy
may have a boyfriend
or some other reason
to let him down easy.
A boyfriend? No, I don't
have a boyfriend.
Yeah, I'd love to go
out with you, Kyle.
Yes!
Yes.
What the hell?
Yeah, what the hell?
I mean, i-i-i don't care.
I'm just outraged
on principle.
Well, it looks like
you got yourself a date.
Sweet.
Uh, Kyle, why don't
you go upstairs,
and give us adults
a few minutes to talk.
I'm gonna change
into something more comfortable.
Oh, Kyle, you don't have
to change what you're wearing
to impress me.
Yeah, but my underwear's
crammed up my butt.
Hey, Mandy, I think that was
very nice of you to play along,
but I was kind of hoping
you'd let him down.
Oh, I'm sorry, but if I feel
strongly for somebody,
I just can't hide it.
Well, first of all,
that is very inappropriate.
Second of all, where were
you when I was a kid?
Okay, Mandy, I see
what you're doing here.
Oh, you learned my name,
how nice of you.
You're just trying
to make me jealous.
Make you jealous?
What--i-i-i
hardly know you.
Oh, you know you... hmm.
You have known me
for the last three minutes.
Wait a minute.
I know what's going on here.
Oh, god, you do?
Yeah, you're damn right
I do.
You've been sneaking
over here
getting piano lessons
with Mandy on my dime!
Uh, yep. You're right.
Guilty.
Okay, okay, that's it.
Jim, Andy and I are dating.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
And he's driving around
changing radio stations
without calling me, right.
Andy, tell him the truth
so this is over.
Mandy and I have been dating
for the last three weeks.
Without my permission?!
That is forbidden!
See? See?
What'd I tell ya, huh?
Let me guess what you're
gonna say next, Jim, huh?
"Oh, Andy, you're just
gonna screw this up.
How many times do I have to tell
ya, 'hands off the help'?"
The help?
What? Jim said it.
I didn't say it.
Andy, you know what?
This whole thing is your fault.
How is it my fault?
You're the one that let
a year old ask out
a middle-aged woman.
Excuse me?
Jim said it.
I didn't say it.
isn't middle-aged.
?
Andy said it.
Oh.
Man, this was a lot easier
and less painful
when it was a secret.
Jim, you have got to tell Kyle
that this date is off.
Hell no. You tell him.
Me? He's your son.
I'm not gonna tell him.
I just sat there
and pumped him up
and gave him
the confidence to do it.
If I tell him
to call it off,
he'll never take advice
about women from me again.
Well, that's not such
a bad idea, Jim.
No, no, no, no, no, no.
I've been taking your advice
for years.
It's why I'm so desperate.
Hey!
Oh!
Now look, one of you two
have to tell him.
Well, look, I am not gonna
turn down the one man
who is showing me some respect
and attention.
Fine, I'll do it.
You and Andy, huh?
Between you and me,
Kyle is an upgrade.
Kyle! Can you come down here
for a minute?
Whoa.
Hey, spanky.
Where's alfalfa?
These are my church clothes.
If they're good enough
for Jesus,
they're good enough
for Mandy.
Have a seat, huh?
We need to talk, bud.
I'm afraid I got
some bad news.
Um...
Mandy and I
have been dating for a while.
That is bad news.
You must be really jealous
of me.
Uh, no. No.
You see, Mandy just said
she would go out with you
to try
and make me jealous.
And it worked.
No! No.
Uh, you're not getting it.
Um, all right, let me try
and break it down for ya
in words that you'd understand.
Knock-knock.
Who's there?
Mandy's going out with.
Mandy's going out with,
who?
Mandy's going out with me,
you little twerp.
Sounds like a guy who's afraid
of a little competition.
Um...
Your dad's right.
You are creepy
when you stare.
Did you set him straight?
Do you know how insulting it is
that you would have to ask
if I set a tiny little
munchkin straight?
So the date's off?
Well, here's the thing.
Oh, jeez.
Oh, come on, Andy.
What? He's a very stubborn kid
with those zombie eyes.
Come on.
How am I supposed to be
in a relationship with a man
who doesn't have enough backbone
to stand up to an year old?
Well, to be fair,
Kyle's .
Andy,
I think this is over.
What? Over?
Man, I knew as soon as this
relationship went public
it'd all get screwed up!
Thanks a lot, Jim!
What?
It's not really
your fault, Jim.
You don't have
to tell me.
That's always
the first place I go.
It's my fault. I was just so mad
at Andy for being so spineless.
But I don't want Kyle
to get hurt.
Well, I don't want him
to get hurt either.
That's why you're gonna do
the date with him.
What?
What am I gonna do
on a date with a year old?
Come on. How can it be
different than dating Andy?
Yeah, I guess.
Yeah.
And--and I'd have more room
on the couch.
Yeah. Yeah, that's it.
You know what? You sit
on a couch with him,
you watch a movie,
you make him feel good
while I try to figure out
some way to let him down
without scarring him
for the rest of his life.
Well, I guess
I could do that.
And it's completely
harmless, right?
He's got my genes.
He may make a move.
Well, this is nice.
You know, it's a little creepy
the way you're staring at me.
Yeah, I get that a lot.
You know, I'm a little confused
by the movie, Kyle.
Magnesium man got his heart
battery stolen by a bad guy.
Oh, so is he gonna die?
No, but he does need
to rest more often.
Ooh, here comes
the bad guy.
Magnesium man, run to
the outlet! Run to the outlet!
Uh, Kyle,
what are you doing?
My mom always holds my hand
during the scary parts.
Oh.
Okay.
Seriously, sweetie,
it's creepy.
Daddy, when's dinner?
Shh!
I don't want to disturb Kyle's
date with your piano teacher.
What?
Kyle's dating Mandy?
I wasn't allowed to date
until I was .
I mean, I'm still not
allowed to date.
Just settle down.
Kyle cannot date my piano
teacher without my permission.
This is forbidden!
Where did you get
that attitude from?
Look, she's not dating Kyle.
She's dating Andy.
That is also forbidden!
I'm gonna go upstairs
and call my boyfriend
who I don't have.
Damn, these kids in this house
are getting more action than me.
Hello.
Hey, dad.
How are you,
my handsome man?
You look so good.
So how's it going?
Great.
She smells like strawberries.
Oh...
But she wants a snack.
Well, I thought about that.
I'm fixing it up right now.
Here you go.
Where are the candy
and chips?
Oh, Kyle.
You've got a lot more to learn
about women than I thought.
You see, older women
only eat salad, carrots
and diet soda,
because they're always
watching their weight
until the dessert cart
comes around,
and they ride on it
like a trolley.
Seriously?
Yeah, seriously.
And then they go home,
call all their friends and cry.
Why do they cry?
Beats me.
I mean, why do
they always think it's cold?
Why do they write
thank-you notes?
And what is their fascination
with baskets?
Baskets with napkins in 'em.
Baskets with fruit.
Baskets with silverware.
Everything in
a frickin' basket!
And you know what, Kyle?
You know what's in this basket?
More baskets!
Maybe they just
like baskets.
It's not good enough.
You think you're gonna go out
and have a good time,
and you end up
in the basket store.
Man, dating sounds
so boring.
Oh, it's not boring,
'cause you're sittin'
on the edge of your seat
wondering how much money
you're gonna spend.
What do you mean?
Well, your first date might be
a DVD in the living room,
but your second date
you got to take 'em out
to a nice restaurant.
Oh, right,
for the salad.
Right.
With a little piece
of fish on it
that costs bucks.
bucks?
Mm-hmm.
I only get $ for allowance.
Well, Kyle, you're gonna
have to get a job.
Maybe the basket store
is hiring.
Man, I just thought
she smelled nice.
That's how they get ya.
Man, I wish there was
an easier way.
Well, maybe there is.
You know what? I-i-i bet
the date would be a lot cheaper
if you took out a girl your age
to, like, the park.
Or to laser tag.
Laser tag.
You know what, Kyle?
I bet a little girl
your age
would love laser tag,
especially with you.
Thanks, dad.
You're welcome, son.
And if you need any more tips
about women,
you just ask me.
Okay. How do I get out of this
stinkin' date with Mandy?
Son, I think
I can help you with that.
I don't want to hurt
her feelings.
Of course not.
But I will, if I have to.
That's my boy.
Oh, hey, Kyle. Are you ready
to finish our date?
Yeah, about that.
It's not you. It's me.
Okay, I did not just hear that
from a year old.
You're a nice lady,
but you're too old,
and I'm not a big fan
of the baskets.
Is this what you want?
I can be
a cute little boy.
Andy, just hang on
one second.
No, Jim, I will not
just hang on for one second!
Mandy, I'm not perfect.
I make a lot of mistakes.
I'll probably always
be scared of Jim.
That's true.
Fear is the basis
of our relationship.
But I do care about you,
and I really hope
you'll take me back.
I-I was stupid not to let
the whole world know
that someone as great as you
was in my life.
Don't do it.
She eats $ fish.
Thank you, honey.
That was sweet. Mm.
And, listen, thank you, Kyle,
for letting me down easy.
I'm glad we can
still be friends.
Friends, yeah. Right.
Hey, what do you say
we go hit the town?
Ooh, that sounds great.
Now either you can change, or we
got to buy you a giant lollipop.
Oh, actually,
I would like to change.
My underwear's
crammed up my butt.
Well, nice job, my son.
You've just unloaded
your first major headache.
Thanks, dad.
You're welcome, honey.
But I think I'm done
with dating for a while.
Sure.
There's only one girl
for me--mom.
You back off.
She's mine.
Sounds like a guy who's afraid
of a little competition.