01x03 - Good sh*t Lollipop

[bunniefuu]

Previously on "weeds"...

She said your check didn't clear.

You don't have any money in your checking account?

You no pay me last week. I'm broke.

I've been working on setting up a front to launder money through.

Could my cover business eventually become my real business?

Good luck. Small business is f*cked.

You want weed on credit, you got to leave collateral.

How about I hold on to that nice rock?

Nancy: I need more inventory.

Leave your car. My car?

I'm leasing it.

Then you're really gonna want to get it back.

I'm so screwed.

This is janet yamamoto, live from west hills.

In the past few days, wildlife officials have been swamped with hundreds of phone calls from agrestic residents who have reported seeing a large, tan mountain lion.

I haven't seen chester... Oh, that's my cat... In two days.

I don't know, though.

Would a big cat eat a smaller cat?

I mean, isn't that cat cannibalism?

Department of fish and game officials have been called in, but so far they've had no success in capturing the animal.

In the meantime, a dangerous predator roams free.

Agrestic, a community living in fear.

Back to you in the studio, joanie.

I'm going to the market. Any requests for dinner?

Steak!

You've been sneaking food.

I haven't.

I swear.

Well, then...

Congratulations.

You must be pregnant.

I have to go get dressed for school.

We can't cut into the art program.

Kids need drawing and sh*t. It's good for the motor skills.

Hell, no, we're not cutting into football for it.

Screw the pansy art fags.

Let them paint banners for the football team.

k*ll two birds with I got somebody here. We'll finish this up at the next council meeting.

Your turn to bring the vodka.

Okay. You too.

Yes, yes, I f*cked your wife.

Yes, I f*cked your mother.

Okay, bye.

Nancy.

I'm such a phase-head.

I totally forgot you were coming.

Don't smoke it all at once.

What? What's wrong?

I'm flush.

What do you mean?

I'm cool. I'm stocked. Fat.

No needy more weedy.

I only sold you a quarter last week.

You couldn't possibly have any left.

I b*rned through that days ago.

Check this out.

What is this?

My medical marijuana card.

I got a note from a clinic doc for 100 bucks, went down to the pot store, and, momma...

I was home.

Oh, it's a weed wonderland, nancy.

It's like amsterdam only better because you don't have to visit the anne frank house and pretend to be all sad.

See this lollipop?

It isn't...

Yes. I'm getting high right now.

You can't even tell.

How is this possible?

The genius of prop 215...

Medical marijuana for sick people.

Seriously, who couldn't use a little medicating, right?

My friend's friend's friend gave me the address of the clinic, and I went down there, and I loaded up.

God, I love california.

I can't wait to tell the poker guys about it.

The one buzz k*ll is you can only buy eight ounces a visit.

That's half a pound!

Well, they allow you to make two visits a day, but with all the traffic on the 110, that's practically impossible.

Are you f*cking with me?

Unh-unh. No, no.

I don't kid about my weed.

I need the address.

Nance, you're a pot dealer.

Why would you take advantage of a medical provider when you have the connections?

That's just greedy. Douglas!

Okay, fine.

As long as you're braving the traffic, would you mind picking up a dozen more lolli-pots for me?

Wild cherry.

Hi, there. Welcome.

I'm craig x, and you are at the bodhi-sativa caregivers club.

How can we care for you?

Hi. Uh...

I'm kind of new at this.

A virgin. Don't worry.

I'll be gentle on you. Come on this way.

The first thing you want to do when you come is check out the big board.

On the big board we have all the prices and strains, and they do change daily.

Hey, billy, how's the anxiety? All right, cool.

What was I saying?

The big board. I got spaced.

And on this big board, we got two specials today.

This is what you want to check out.

The grand daddy perp is actually purple.

It's an indica-sativa blend.

The flavor is bellissima.

Second, we got the "here's johnny"...

The king of late night.

You don't want to be messing with this before the sun goes down.

In the other room, we got the clones.

Hey, robbie, I see the arthritis is getting better.

Yeah, you know it, man.

What was I saying?

Clones.

You hear that dial tone? My clones are off the hook.

Check this out.

We have the most beautiful clones.

They're $10 apiece, and ours are guaranteed female.

This'll get you started.

And over here, we've got the food section.

Hey, mrs. Rappaport! Nice to see you.

You look beautiful.

We got your sponge cake in back. Go ahead and get that.

She's got diabetes.

We make it with splenda instead of sugar.

What was I saying again?

Edibles.

Okay. Look at all this great stuff.

We have infusions, goos, kiefs, kief oils, hash oils, hemp oils.

You look a little overwhelmed.

Where does this come from?

A combination of our patients themselves and some very compassionate farmers doing god's work.

And it's all legal?

Well, we operate under the guidelines of the health and safety code 11362.5.

Douglas...

I just couldn't stay away.

That's the beauty of this place. You don't have to.

Welcome back.

I love it here so much.

He's suffering from depression.

Hi, nance.

Hey, any more stephen hawking?

I want to be wheeled out of here.

I'll hook you up. Come on, let's go.

What did I tell you?

You sold me sh*t!

I ain't here to sell you flowers.

Let me rephrase. You sold me bullshit.

Skankweed!

And I can't move it, and I want a refund.

And I want an ass like beyoncé's.

Ain't neither of us getting what we want.

I just went to this place... This store.

It was like the whole foods of pot.

Listen to her.

Barbie thinks she's discovered the cannabis clubs.

Welcome to the party, baby.

It isn't a party. It's a nightmare!

How can I compete with that?

Well, when you figure it out, you let me know.

f*ckin' weed boutique sent my business off...

How much business off again?

17%. 17%!

What's the world coming to when they legalize weed?

Ain't no g*dd*mn morals left.

So don't you come crying to me 'cause I got my own troubles.

Anything else you want from me?

I want everything on this list.

We got the bluemist and the white widow, but you gonna have to wait on the o.g. Kush.

That sh*t sold out quick.

I can't believe you've been selling me school-yard crap this whole time.

You get what you ask for, and you never knew enough to ask for the call brands.

Well, those days are over.

We got ourselves a regular pablo escobar up in here.

What's wrong?

Serious sh*t calls for serious cash.

And your cash got a sense of humor.

But that's all I got.

Then that's all you get.

You could use that skank to cook...

...with.

Then it is skank. Ugh!

Here, kitty, kitty...

Let me get another. Be right back.

So, julie googled "how to give a blow job"

And she came across this website that teaches girls to deep throat.

Oh, yeah. Deaf megan can do that.

Dennis kling says her mouth is like a dirt devil.

Daredevil?

He's blind, not deaf, and I don't think he sucks d*ck at all.

He is a superhero.

You're done.

Hey, megan.

Can you hear me?

Megan?

Hey, come on!

Hello?

Megan?

Megan.

It's funny.

Hey, hey, hey.

Come on.

Oh!

What the f*ck are you doing?

What kind of crazy bitch are you?

I don't think I put enough in the popcorn balls.

You got enough thc in them balls to keep stevie wondering.

Thanks for talking me through this.

It gives me a real sense of accomplishment working with overprivileged white women.

You entering a whole new level.

We're talking about bigger buys.

That means bigger risks, right?

Uh-huh.

Thing is, I like you.

And I really don't want to see you end up dead.

Dead?!

Relax. I'm just f*cking with you.

Adorable.

No, seriously, how you doing?

Well, the popcorn's taking forever.

No, no, no. f*ck the popcorn.

How you doing?

Me?

If this doesn't work out, I could end up the oldest gap employee in southern california.

You a hustler. You gonna do just fine.

I wish I shared your confidence.

God, that smells amazing!

That means it's ready. Take it out.

Now? Take it out right now!

If you don't take, it's gonna burn.

Oh... Bye.

Yo?

Ow!

sh*t!

Hey, mom!

I did it! I sh*t the mountain lion.

Great!

Go get ready for bed.

Woo!

f*ck.

God.

sh*t!

Now begin your cut-and-paste collage, and, remember, no dirty words.

Mrs. Heinler?

Yes, isabel.

I have to go to the bathroom.

When billy comes back from the bathroom, you can go.

Mrs. Heinler?

Yes?

I have to go to the bathroom now.

You know the rules, isabel.

But, please.

Very well. Go.

Go. Go.

I try.

It's cool.

It's all cool.

Honey, you couldn't help it.

These things happen.

Hopefully, not too often, but they happen.

One day, you are gonna look back on this, and, well, it will still be painfully embarrassing, but it will make for a terrific story.

I had to throw my underpants into the woods.

They call me "sh*t girl" now.

And that's part of the story.

Good night, sweetie.

Night, dad.

I'm worried about isabel.

Maybe we should take her to the doctor tomorrow.

Make sure she doesn't have some kind of stomach flu.

Oh, please. She's perfectly fine.

She sh*t herself in school.

How is that perfectly fine?

She sh*t herself because she's a little piggy.

And the truth is, I found a chocolate stash in her room the other day, so I just switched it out with laxatives.

What? It was a good plan.

I mean, maybe next time she'll think twice about scarfing down an entire bag of chocolate.

I mean, come on.

I eat those same laxatives every day in reasonable amounts, and I don't sh*t all over myself.

I mean, look, I didn't mean for this to happen.

I was just hoping for some nice loose doodies.

Clean the girl out a bit, you know?

Are you out of your f*cking mind?

What? Calm down.

That is absolutely child abuse.

You should be arrested!

I should call child protective services and have you arrested!

Don't be such a drama queen.

They called her "sh*t girl."

Well, that's better than "fat girl."

How could you even imagine doing such a thing?

You know, excuse me.

Excuse me for wanting my daughter to be thin and attractive so that the world is her oyster.

I know that you think she's beautiful, dean, but this is america.

It is cold and cruel out there for fat girls.

Nope, nope, nope, nope.

I hope our children survive you.

That which doesn't k*ll us makes us stronger.

Celia: isabel, breakfast!

Coming!

You feeling better, sweetie?

I am now, daddy.

You really should lock your front door.

I do lock it, but lupita leaves it open so she doesn't have to dig for her keys.

Drives me insane.

Their subtle revenge for having to clean our toilets.

I still say we got the better end of that deal.

Here.

I'm posting these in the neighborhood.

I tell you, I have a good mind to stay in a hotel until they catch that cougar.

Although, a part of me is hoping it will maul dean, and I wouldn't want to miss that.

"What to do if you meet a mountain lion...

"Give the mountain lion some room.

"Don't make eye contact.

Talk to the lion softly."

You sure this isn't what to do if you date a mountain lion?

Well, I have a lot to do, celia, so...

Have you ever had sex with a woman?

Excuse me?

I think I'd like to try it.

With who? Anyone.

I don't care. I'm sick of men.

Maybe I missed my calling.

What if I was supposed to be a d*ke but just made a wrong turn by mistake?

That would explain a hell of a lot.

Here's the thing.

I really want to f*ck around on dean, but the thought of having to put one more cock into my mouth is just too depressing.

I'm not sure a vag*na would be any kind of improvement for you.

Oh, maybe you're right.

Truth is, p*ssy really skeeves me out.

That whole mirror investigation thing we did when we were young... Truly a rude awakening.

Speaking of p*ssy, somebody k*lled the alderman's cat, and it was not the mountain lion.

Alison is losing her mind.

She thinks that someone's trying to send her messages or something.

It's probably just the kids, though.

How did the...

How did the cat die?

I'm not sure. Why?

I think I might know the kid who did it.

Friend of silas'.

You know, I read somewhere that k*lling small animals is the first sign of psychotic behavior.

You should really tell the parents so they can rush that little sociopath into therapy before he starts tooling around agrestic in a white van with blacked-out windows.

I really have to get going on this.

Have you ever had sex with a woman?

None of your business.

Come on, tell me.

Okay, I slept with a woman in college, all right? How was it?

It was boring.

Well, maybe you didn't do it right.

She said I was the best she'd ever had.

What are you doing friday night?

These will satisfy your munchies and give you a long-lasting, all-body high at the same time.

Not to mention the fact you're saving your lungs, and there's no residual odor for your wives to smell.

So you're saying that everything in there is loaded with...

It sure is. That's not all I'm offering.

For all you old-school smokers in the room, I've also brought some wild and wonderful indica-sativa blends, organic or hydroponic.

Hairy, sticky, delicious to smoke.

Help yourselves to some samples.

So?

f*ck me!

That is awesome!

I think I could exist off nothing but this for the rest of my life.

I'm glad you like it.

So here's my final pitch, guys.

The clubs are fun and all, but with me, you get great sh*t right here in town.

I know what you like.

I make sure it's there when you want it.

You don't have to schlep into the city to get it.

But, most of all, I don't xerox your driver's license and put your name in a state-controlled data bank.

What? I'm in a data bank?

You sure are.

So when your wives find out and divorce you, they'll get custody of your children because their overpriced attorneys will be able to prove you're nothing but a bunch of irresponsible potheads who can't be trusted.

I'm in a data bank?

Celia would have a field day with that.

I'm in a data bank? I'm up for council re-election.

I cannot be linked to any pot clubs!

Any of you guys know any good hackers?

Maybe you should have thought of that sooner.

I'm ready to take your orders.

f*ck it. I'll take it all.

Your butter don't look right.

It's sage.

Don't smell like sage.

Obviously, menopause has affected your sense of smell.

I don't smell with my coochie.

No! It's got raw eggs in it.

So?

So salmonella is on the rise, so no.

Listen, there's something I want to talk to you about.

Am I in trouble?

The mountain lion you sh*t...

...did it have a collar around its neck?

No.

Did it make a kind of a meowing sound?

It kind of yelped when I sh*t it, but mountain lions don't meow, mom.

They kind of sound like

Shane, did you sh**t the alderman's cat?

What? No! I sh*t the mountain lion!

Right in the eye!

Why?

Because that's what dad would've done.

Come here.

I'm very fond of you.

I'm very fond of you, too.

I want the b.b. g*n.

But I need it for protection.

No.

I think I'm gonna take over that role for a while.

But, if you play your cards right, you might get it back by the time you graduate law school.

This sucks.

Yeah.

But imagine how the mountain lion feels.

Now go watch telemundo with lupita.

What the hell are you doing?

I'm a little backed up...

A lot backed up.

I haven't sh*t in three days.

I'm like a bloated african-famine baby.

Wow. Could it be?

Newton's third law of motion, or lack of motion in your case, illustrated right here in our bathroom.

For every action, there is an equal and opposite reaction.

What are you talking about?

Karma, baby.

Oh, f*ck you and your karma.

Fine. sh*t on my theory.

Oh, but, wait, you can't.

So I guess that makes me right, huh?

That takes care of last week's buy, this week's buy, my ring, my rover.

Vaneeta: surprised the sh*t out of me, girl.

I thought for sure you was gonna end up broke, living in a trailer park, having to score sag cards for your kids to put food on the table.

So, I see somebody got their bling back.

That mean we doing all right?

Car keys, please?

What?

I said, "please."

Yes, you are very polite, snowflake, but your scratch only covers last week's buy and the ring.

You still short for all the sh*t you gonna want to take this week.

Looks like you got yourself a business decision to make...

The strange or the range?

I'll be back.

Don't let the door hit your cute little ass on the way out.

Thanks for everything, conrad.

That cornbread recipe you gave me really saved my cute little ass.

You gave away my cornbread recipe?

And she put weed in it?!

Oh, hell, no.

You don't put weed in my cornbread!

No, no, no, helia, hold up!

Get your ass over here and take your ass-whuppin'.

Helia, you know ain't nobody scared of you.

You a dumb-ass m*therf*cker if you ain't scared of me!

Aaaaaaaah!

Bitch.