02x07 - Edith's Accident

[bunniefuu]

♪ Boy, the way
Glenn Miller played ♪

♪ songs that made
the hit parade ♪

♪ guys like us
we had it made ♪

[ together ]
♪ those were the days ♪

[ Edith ]
♪ and you knew
where you were then ♪

[ Archie ]
♪ girls were girls
and men were men ♪

[ Archie, Edith ]
♪ mister, we could use a man ♪

♪ like Herbert hoover again ♪

[ Archie ]
♪ didn't need no welfare state ♪

[ Edith ]
♪ everybody pulled his weight ♪

[ Archie, Edith ]
♪ gee, our old lasalle
ran great ♪

♪ those were the days ♪

[ door opening ]

Hi, daddy.
Hi.

- Hi, arch. How's the world
treatin' you today?
- Don't start up with me.

Oh, here he is,
the good humor man.

- Have a pleasant day, arch?
- Yeah, beautiful.

Comin' home I was held up
minutes in that subway train.

Packed in like sardines, we was:
No lights, no fans,

me crushed up against
a -pound Italian,
half of which was pure garlic.

What a city. That Lindsay
can't do nothin' right.

He turned democrat.

- Where's your mother?
- She ran down
to the supermarket.

When was that?
About : .

That's two hours ago.
Where is she?
I'm hungry here.

Gee, arch, all you can think
about is your stomach.

If ma's so late, how come
you're not worried about her?

Because there's a special
Providence takes care
of drunks and dingbats.

It's only their loved ones
that's gotta suffer
and go hungry.

All right, daddy.
Dinner's on the stove.
I'll get it on the table.

- I'm home.
- Oh, are you, Edith?

What kept you?

Hello, Archie.

[ Archie ]
Wait a minute. Wait a minute.

That's all I get,
"hello there, Archie"?
Oh,

I'm sorry, Archie.
Here.
[ Kisses ]

Wait a minute.

What do you call that,
[ Kisses ]
Flyin' through the air?

Why are you late?
Well, actually,

it all started because
you like cling peaches.

- You're late because
I like cling peaches?
- In heavy syrup. Excuse me.

Wait a minute. Wait a minute.
There's somethin' funny
goin' on here.

Why were you two hours
at the supermarket?

Well, they're having a sale
at ferguson's market:

Four cents off
the medium size can...

And seven cents off
the large can.
I don't care about the--

and I have the coupons that give
you two cents off every can,
so I could--

Edith, hold it.
You are invadin'
the issue here.

You're hidin'
somethin' from me,

and you ain't gonna move
off this spot till
I find out what it is.

Dinner's
ready, daddy.
Oh, hi, Gloria.

Hi, mom. What took
you so long?
Don't ask me.

Huh?
Here, take this bag
in the kitchen.

Excuse me.
Can't you stand still here?

I just wanna
hang up my coat.

What is the matter
with you, Edith?

Oh, thank you, Gloria,
for getting the dinner on.
You're such a big help.

Thank Michael too.
He helped me set the table.
Oh, thank you, Mike.

That's good practice for
when you have your own home.
Wait a minute.

Nobody eat nothin'
around here...

Till I find out
what went wrong
at the supermarket.

Now, come on. Give.
Well, I knew
you like cling peaches--

I heard that
before, Edith.
In heavy syrup--

yeah. I heard
that too.

I know. Why don't you tell me
how much I've told you so far,

then I'll know
where to begin.

You ain't told me nothin' so far
except "cling peaches,"

which is coming out of my ears.

Now, don't say them
two words no more, huh?

Start your story
after the cling peaches
and get on with it.

Well, Archie, I had
an accident with a car.
What?

Ma, are you
all right?
Did you get hit?

Oh, no.
I didn't get hit.
I hit the car.

But, ma, you don't drive.
Yeah, and even if you do,
we don't have a car.

Edith,

how did you
hit a car?

Well, that's where the--
"hmm, mmm-mmm" come in.
What?

You told me never
to say those two words.

Edith, what are you
trying to tell me,

that you hit a car
with a can of cling peaches?

That's-- that's right.
You see, I was comin'
out of the market...

With my shopping basket
full of "hmm, mmm-mmm,"

and-- and there was Mrs. Duncan
with her new baby.

I took a peek in the carriage,
but I couldn't see
the baby too well.

He was all "swinged" up
with his--
will you get on with the story?

Well, anyway, I knew
I had to say somethin'
nice about the baby,

so I went, "oh, isn't that
a beautiful baby?"

And when I went, "oh,"
the shopping basket
got away from me,

rolled down the hill and
smashed into this parked car
and scratched the Fender.

And then this can
of "hmm, mmm-mmm"...

In heavy syrup...

Jumped out and made
a big dent in the hood.

It was
a freak accident.

What did the owner
of the car have to say?

Nothin'.
Nobody was there.

Nobody was there?

Then you're
in the clear.

After this whole "rigamarole"
here of a story, wherein a man
can get ten heart att*cks,

it turns out
she's absolutely
in the clear.

Forget it.
Oh, Archie, I'm so glad
you're not mad.

He's not mad because
he got away with somethin'.

So what if somebody
else's car is damaged?
Archie bunker saved bucks.

Aw, bucks in a pig's sty.
Tell how much you know about it.

Costs you bucks
nowadays to drive your car
into one of them garages.

I'm very glad the guy
didn't know who done it.

Oh, he knows
who done it.

What?
Well, I had to leave
a note on the car...

Sayin' how sorry I was.

Edith, you left your name
on the man's car?

With my address and phone
number.
I don't believe it.
I don't believe it!

That was lovely, ma.
I'm proud of you.
Yeah, me too.

That kind of honesty's
rare these days.

Sure, it's rare.
Because there's about million
people in this country...

To every dingbat
is why it's rare.

Archie, you wouldn't want
some stranger...

To pay for damage
that I caused, would you?

Oh, better him
than me, Edith, huh?

Oh, come on,
arch. Gee. Daddy!
Oh, then don't be...

Givin' me none of that
holier-than-I stuff
over there.

I didn't invent this world.
You wait and you see
how far honesty gets you.

That guy's gonna drive into
one of them tricky garages,

which is so common nowadays
you can practically find 'em
in the yellow pages...

Under "tricky garage,"

and he's gonna turn
her note into a regular
sweepstakes ticket.

Boy, you got some opinion
of mankind.

I ain't knockin' mankind,
but people are somethin' else.

Archie, don't you see?
If everybody felt
the way you do--

everybody does.
I don't.

That's 'cause you're a meathead.
Now, let me ask you somethin'.
You walk into a phone booth.

Suppose you find , cents
in the little coin trough there.

What are you gonna do, give it
back to the phone company?

Uh, wait a second.
What does the phone company
got to do with anything?

Come on. Come on.
Answer the question.

I wouldn't give it back
to the phone company.
There. You hear that?

It may not belong
to the phone company.
That's enough.

It could belong to the last
person who used the phone.
Stifle yourself.

I'd try to find them.
Will you
stifle yourself.

[ Telephone rings ]
I'll get it.

Archie, the answer
to your question--

I'm-- I'm ashamed to say it--
is, I'd keep the cents.

Okay. All right.
Case closed.
Oh, no, no.
Not necessarily.

I mean, so you're standing
in a closet and some money comes
out of a wall, so you take it.

I mean, uh, the way we think
of the phone company-- it's not
a-- a person. It's a thing.

Stop the baloney. You said
you'd take the money.
Yeah, but it's still wrong.

I mean, even though it's
a billion-dollar monopoly...

And I'm only taking a few cents,
it's still wrong.

Daddy, it's like cheating
on your income tax,
and that's wrong too.

Listen, little girl,
everybody cheats
on their income tax.

The finest people in the country
do that. The government
expects you to do that.

That's right. Certain people who
are basically honest do certain
dishonest things because...

Everybody does it, and then
pretty soon they wind up
like you, not trustin' anybody.

Leave me eat, huh?
Oh, get off my back.
Well, it's true!

And we're gonna have company.
Wait. Wait a minute.
Wait a minute.

Where do you--
what do you mean,
company? Who?

John majeski.

Who is John majeski?
That was him on the phone,
the man whose car I hit.

The man whose car
you hit you invited
over here, Edith?

No. I didn't invite him.

He just was calling
from smitty's garage where he
brought his car in for repairs.

He's gonna have somethin' to eat
and come right over.

Oh, sure he's gonna
come right over, Edith,
to shake us down here.

The dent in his car is hardly
cold, and he's comin' over here
to claim his pound of fish.

How can you know
the guy's not comin' over
with an honest estimate?

Because I know what I know.
I'll show you about
honest estimates right now.

What are you gonna do?
I'm gonna look up
and call smitty's garage.

What for?
Right here. To learn
you somethin'...

About the way of the world
there, meathead.

Here it is.
Hold the book right now.

Now,
[ Clears throat ]

You're such a big expert
on honesty there, huh?
[ Dialing telephone ]

Now, what do you think a dent
and a couple of scratches
oughta cost me, huh?

I dunno. Maybe ,
bucks tops.
Aw, get out of here.

If I'm gonna pay for it,
that guy'll put in for
a whole new paint job.

Dummy up.
[ Clears throat ]
Hello, there?

Smitty's garage? Yeah.

Uh, is John majeski there?

Oh, he just left.

Well, maybe you could help me.
Uh, I'm handling his insurance,

and, um--

and I was wondering
what the estimate
of the damage was.

Oh, would you do that?
That's very sweet of you.

He's goin' away
to look up the bill.

Wait till you see this.
It's gonna be bucks
if it's a penny. Shh.

[ Clears throat ]
Yes?

Yes, I have a pencil handy.

Get out of here!

No, no. Not you.
It was a fly.

Would you repeat
that, please?

Yes. I have the figure.
Thank you very much.

Bye-bye.
Well?

Yeah.
$ , huh?
No.

- I have to admit
that I was wrong.
- Yeah. See?

$ !

$ ?

One-nine-seven,
wise guy. So much
for your honest estimate.

How could a can of peaches
cause all that damage?
[ Scoffs ]

Well, maybe it was
the heavy syrup.

Do me a favor and
stifle yourself, huh?

This was all your fault,
like a dope, leavin'
your name there.

- She did the right thing.
- I don't want any sermons
from you, meathead.

All I want is your help
when this guy majeski gets here.
Why me?

Because one polack
feels comfortable
with another one.

First of all,
it's "Polish,"
and second of all,

how do you know
the guy's not, uh,
Russian or Jewish?

Oh, no.
He ain't Jewish.
Well, how do
you know?

Because his name's John.
The hebes don't name their kids
"John." Never.

Maybe he changed
no, no. His name.
Edith, Edith,
they never do.

They only change the last name.
That way they know each other.
You see what I mean?

Two guys are goin'
down the street, right?

One says, "how are you?
My name is Smith, Morris Smith."
See how it works?

Like you got Saul Nelson,
Izzy Watson--

Abe Lincoln.

I didn't know
Lincoln was Jewish.

Don't argue with me,
please, any of youse.

Don't you see we all
gotta stick together here
so we can stop this crook.

Wait a minute. I got an idea.
If this guy's dishonest,
he's gonna lie. And if he lies,

he's gonna get mixed up
and give himself away
and that's how we catch him.

Isn't that exciting?
Once, on Perry Mason--

will you stifle
yourself.

That ain't
gonna work.
Why not?

Because how're we gonna
catch him in a lie?
He tells us one story here,

he goes to court,
he tells another story.

- It's our word against his.
- That was
Perry Mason's problem.

The jewel thief lied,

but della street
had a tape recording
where the thief confessed.

Ma, please.
Hold it.
Don't interrupt your mother.

You was makin' sense there
for a minute, Edith.

Let's hear
the rest of it.
Well, the man lied,

and della street said,
"here is a tape recording
of the whole confession,"

and Perry Mason
jumped up.

That's when he was
playing Perry Mason.
Now he's "ironsides" and...

He don't jump up
no more.

All right, Edith.
That's just fine.

You gave me my idea.
All right, meathead, go up
and get your tape recorder.

What are you gonna do,
start playin'
Attorney General?

Don't argue with me, huh?
Just get the tape recorder.

Are you gonna
tell this man you're
taping his conversation?

Does j. Edgar hoover
tell anybody?

If you don't tell him you're
taping, then you're depriving
him of his civil rights.

He ain't colored. He's Polish!
What's civil rights
got to do with Polish?

Arch, you're violating
his rights under
the first amendment.

Who's side are you
on, anyhow, huh?
Look at me.

I know I got a lot goin'
against me: I'm white, I'm
protestant, I'm hardworkin'.

Can't you find one lousy
amendment to protect me?

[ Door buzzer
sounding ]
There he is now.

Gloria, we'll clear the table.

You get your
tape recorder.
I'll get the door.

No. If you can't do
what I want you to do,
then don't do nothin'. Sit down.

All right.
Youse two, get away
from that table there.

Come over here
and stand here.
Come on!

Get over here. Right there.
Now, youse, stand there!

[ Buzzer ]
Sit down there,

meathead.

Now, I'll answer
the door.

Dummy up there,
meathead.

I'll handle
this here swindler.

Uh, I'm John majeski.

You're kiddin'.

N-no. No. I'm--
I'm father John majeski.

Uh, may--
may I come in?

Yeah, yeah.
Come on in, father.
Sure. Come on.

You can meet the family here.
That's my wife, Edith there.
How do you do?

My daughter,
Gloria here.
Hello.

There's my son-in-law,
Mike stivic over here.

Still want
the tape recorder, arch?
Dummy up, will you?

Well, I'm delighted
to meet you,
Mrs. bunker.

You know, leaving that note
on my car when you really didn't
have to is a Christian act.

Are you a catholic?
No.

Oh. Well, all right.

Uh, may I-- may I sit down?
Yeah. Go ahead.
Sit down.

Sit down there,
father, but don't
sit in the-- oh.

Go on.
You sit down.
[ Sighs ]

Well, that's better.
What a day. What a day.

I-I haven't stopped
for a minute. I've been
on the go all day.

Lately things are beginning to
pile up. You know, Mrs. bunker,
I have a confession to make.

[ Gasps]
I always wanted
to know how that worked.

Uh, what? Oh, I-- oh, I--
"make a con--" oh, that's
very funny. That's very funny.

You have a delicious
sense of humor.

She has a delicious
sense of humor.
Yeah, she's awful funny.

Uh, Mike, uh, may I
have a word or two
with you in private?

Just step
in the kitchen here.
Yeah, sure.

Uh, I suppose you'll excuse us,
father?
Oh, yes, indeed.
Yes, indeed.

"Make a confession." Oh, I say,
I must remember that one. I must
tell that one to the bishop.

That ought to bring a smile
to his face. He hasn't
smiled very much lately,

what with father Donovan
being secretly married
for seven years,

father callan, poor soul,
sitting in jail,

something to do
with leaflets.

What are you doin'?
What is it?
Come here.
Come here.

I think
we're in luck.
What?

This guy is a phony.
How do you know that?

Don't you never
read the papers...

About all them
unflocked priests
runnin' around, huh?

This priest here
ain't kosher,
and he never was.

How do you know?
Did you see the lousy-lookin'
suit he's wearin' there?

So what, arch? Maybe it's
the only suit he owns.

Are you kiddin'?
The catholic church owns
half the property in New York,

including some of your
finest clothing stores.

Arch, if you have any doubts,
why don't you just ask him
for his credentials?

Aw, come on. How the hell
are you gonna do that?
Oh, simple. You just walk up...

To him and say, "father,
can I see your cross?"

Get out of here.
Good-bye.

[ Majeski ]
Yes, well, we have a very
poor parish. We have to make...

Every penny count, what with
the painting and the fixing
and the paperwork.

I-I haven't hardly
time enough for God,
much less my parishioners.

You know, lately, sitting in
the confessional, when I should
be listening with patience...

And understanding, I-I find
myself thinking, "oh, come on.
Come on. Let's get on with it."

Uh, say, uh, [ Clears throat ]
Father there, uh, I'd like
to ask you somethin'.

Uh-- uh, the other night
down at kelcy's bar we was,
uh, discussin' the Bible--

uh, you know, it sometimes
comes up between beers--

and, uh, the boys and me,
we was arguin' about
the words to the, uh,

rd psalm.

I was wonderin'
if you could help us out
as long as you're here.

Ah, yes. rd psalm. Ah, um--
well, I know it so well.

I figured you should.

Uh-h-h-- ah!

No. That's not it.

Uh, rd psalm?

- Yeah. Two-three.
- I don't seem to be able to
remember anything these days.

- "The lord is my Shepherd--"
- who asked you?

Oh, well, that's your rd.
That's our nd.

Oh, yes. "Lord is my Shepherd,"
"shall not want--"
[ Edith ] That's it.

Oh, and, uh, father,
you know, uh, everybody
knows, uh, them words,

but the boys and me
was arguin' about
the Latin words.

Oh. Well, ah-h-h,

[ speaking Latin ]

Uh, have we come to the word
in question, Mr. bunker?

Well, uh--

uh,
[ Latin ]

Yeah.
[ Latin ]
Perfect.

You know, Mrs. bunker, I wish we
could just forget all about--
still think he's not a priest?

Maybe he is a priest, but if
he's still after my bucks,
he's as crooked as the next guy.

Oh, come on.
I'll find out.

I've been forgetting the most
important thing: People.

Uh, say, uh,
[ Clears throat ]
Father there,

uh, not that I want to be
unfriendly or anything
like that, but, uh,

what are you
trying to pull?

Uh, I-I'm afraid
I don't understand.

Yeah. You ought to be
ashamed of yourself, a priest
doin' what you're doin'.

W-what are you
talking about?
Oh, I know. Everybody does it.

Yeah, like, uh,
cheatin' on the phone company,
chiselin' on your income taxes,

but you, a man of the cloth,
hidin' behind your hassock,

comin' here tryin' to
turn a dent in a Fender
into a pot o' gold.

Mr. bunker, do you mean
to imply--
I mean that I ain't makin'...

No donations
to no catholic charities.

Well, the only way
I can answer that, Mr. bunker,
is to quote from the scripture.

"Go from the presence
of the foolish man...

When thou perceivest not
in him the lips of knowledge."

- What does that mean?
- It means, "don't waste your
time arguing with an idiot."

Well, I'll be on my way
just as soon as
you pay the bill.
The bill?

The bill you can send on
to the pope, who's got
more money than God.

- Archie!
- It's a well-known fact.

Let's-- let's not have
any more words about this,
Mr. bunker. I'll, uh,

I'll take care
of it myself.

Father, all that money.
It's not so much money.
It's only $ .

What do you mean
only $ ?

Then why did the garage
tell daddy ?

- Sh-h-hush!
- You called the garage?

Yes. He did,
and they told him
$ .
Yeah.

Oh-h-h. I see what's
been troubling you.

Look. I was having
an engine overhaul
for $ ,

the damage your wife
caused was $ ,

that's $ .

The parish is so broke
the bishop was going
to pay the ,

but since you seem...
Unwilling to assume your
responsibilities, Mr. bunker,

I suppose I'll--
I'll have to pay
the rest,

take it out of
my own pocket.

Good night.

Archie, we can afford $ .
Oh, all right. All right.
All right. Leave me alone.

Hey, hey,
father, uh,

uh, I suppose if it's only,
uh, $ , I can make it.

No, no, no. Please--

please, Mr. bunker, I--
I don't want your money.

However,

I'll take that $ and make
a donation in your name
to catholic charities.

Oh.

Yeah. Well, um,

I only got a five
and a ten here, father.

I've got a dollar.

Good night.
Good night.
[ Edith ]
Good night, father.

Good-bye,
father.
So long.

What's the matter,
daddy? Don't you
feel well?

Oh, he's all right.
Just a little
indigestion.

Comes from eating
his own words.

Here's your
dessert, Archie.

Yeah, all right, Edith.
Leave it there.

What do you got,
anyway?

Oh, a nice big bowl
of "mm-hmm."

Take it away, huh?

I bought cans.

[ Announcer ]
All in the family was recorded
on tape before a live audience.