02x08 - Oh, Mandy

[bunniefuu]

Door number one or door number two?

What do you got? Let's take a moment to reminisce.

Ari, come on. What's in the envelope?

Behind door number one is an Aquaman check with two million little fishies on it.

Hopefully, this will take care of your delinquent heating and electric bills.

We'll take door number one. Wait, wait, wait. Let's take a moment to celebrate how far we've come, all right?

First check I ever got for you, $668, for what?

A guest star on JAG. Guest star on JAG, and I did not take commission. No, you did not.

This time I will. What's behind door number two, Ari?

Door number two is a list. What list?

James Cameron's list for Aquagirl, five of the hottest actresses on the planet, one of which you will be stuck in a water t*nk with for nine months.

Even if you look like our skim milk-colored friend E here, you still have a good sh*t of swimming in-between her legs.

Wait, E. We'll save it for the beach, have something to talk to the guys about.

You don't talk about politics at the beach? Pretty cool, huh?

It'd be a lot cooler if you gave us the check, Ari.

I'm gone. Where you running to?

It's a day of beauty for me. I'm going in front of the cameras.

What are you doing, agency yearbook photos?

Actually, I made a little list of my own.

Fade In magazine's Top 40 Under 40.

Sandwiched in between The O.C.'s creator Josh Schwartz and Miramax's Meryl Poster, at number nine, is yours truly.

Don't worry about it, E. When they do a top 40 under four feet, boom, top of the list.

Holy sh*t. Are we gonna go cash this?

Not now. We're on our way to Malibu. Malibu? I booked a massage.

So cancel it. I'll have Turtle give you a rubdown.

What the hell's in Malibu?

Marcel, cancel my 11:00 deep-tissue, please. Thank you.

f*ckin' Malibu.

Who has a party at 10:00 A.M. On Wednesday anyway?

I hope they have an omelet chef.

This place looks empty. Maybe people came by boat.

Boy, you guys sure do complain a lot.

Where'd you get a key? Jessica Alba gave it to me.

She gave you a key to her house? No, she gave me the house.

Well, us, at least for the next couple months.

What do you mean? I told her our house was under construction. She's off sh**ting the new Fantastic Four.

She said we can stay here as long as we take care of the cats.

How many cats are there?

You're telling me we're gonna live by the beach.

This is sick. This is like Far Rockaway minus the cr*ck whores.

I think it blows. How am I gonna get to my auditions?

The P.C.H. Is like a parking lot.

You can stay at our house if it's easier.

By myself?

f*ck that.

f*cking cats.

You missed, m*therf*cker.

Come on.

f*ck. Too slow, hombre. Let's go.

Take it easy.

You flinched. It's a freebie. Come on.

God!

What do you guys think of Cameron Diaz for Aquagirl?

Love her. f*ck that.

She got a boyfriend. Upside is you bang her, he gets pissed off. Downside is she's loyal.

Who wants to make a movie with someone you have no sh*t at?

He's got a point. Jennifer Garner.

Love her. Boyfriend!

Kirsten Dunst? She already f*cked a superhero.

She's single though. Who else you got?

Mandy Moore?

You flinched, Drama. Bullshit. I was reacting to Mandy.

You did a few weeks on A Walk to Remember.

Did you like her? Yeah, she was great.

Come on. We're not gonna get into this whole thing again.

What whole thing? There is no "whole thing."

Did you go out with Mandy Moore?

Yeah, I mean, a couple times.

It was no big deal. I never heard about that.

You were still spinnin' pizzas back East.

So what's the deal? Nothing. We went out for a little while and, like everything does, it ended.

So she hates you. Nah, I don't think she hates me.

Come on.

She probably hates ya.

How do they not have Froot Loops?

You can't get anything in Malibu because it's impossible to get deliveries.

You make it like we're in the Far East, Drama.

I know Malibu. One second it's no Froot Loops, the next a mudslide is slinging a 400-lb. Boulder through your dining room.

Okay, let's see, what else do we need? Essentials.

More protein, man. We gotta bulk Vince up.

Seriously, Aquaman is f*ckin' yoked.

Where is Vince, anyway?

I left him on aisle nine with that MILF.

He's probably banging her in the produce section.

Look, guys, Cameron wants a more fluid swimmer than bulky, so don't go gettin' Vince's head all f*cked up.

If you don't want Vince's head f*cked up, make sure Mandy Moore doesn't get this movie.

Seriously, that will drown Aquaman. Why? What he do to her?

To her? It's what she did to him.

She crushed him, bro. Crushed him.

Come on, I've never seen Vince hurt over a girl.

It got ugly, E. He was doing drive-bys to her house, late night hang-ups. He made a mix tape.

Bullshit. No, I swear! You remember that?

He led it off with Tiny Dancer. Elton John?

Him and Mandy saw Almost Famous like 20 times.

Now I know you're f*ckin' with me.

Mandy Moore is Aquaman's kryptonite, bro.

Trust me.

Yo, that woman has Froot Loops!

She probably got the one box that was able to make it out.

It's Dr. Joyce Brothers. Oh, yeah?

Drama, go distract her.

Don't make a scene out here, Drama.

There's only two markets in Malibu.

Are you kiddin'? With this performance, she won't notice a thing.

Dr. Brothers? Yes.

Hi, I'm a big fan. Oh, thank you.

This is kind of embarrassing, but sometimes I wake up in the morning fully-tented.

Any advice? At your age, consider yourself lucky.

My age?

How f*ckin' old do you think I am?

What are you guys leaving me with that crazy mother for?

Looked like you were having fun. The lady was nuts, told me she wanted to take me home. You serious?

It's total lawlessness out here.

Yeah, hello?

Johnny. Johnny? Hello? I can't hear you!

f*ckin' Malibu. I get no reception out here.

Lighten up, Johnny, I can hear you fine.

Hey, Adam. I know it's last minute, but I got a Hallmark M.O.W. Joe Mantegna, Tess Harper.

You know what Hallmark means, right? It means Emmy.

I always did want one of those winged angels.

You're in at 2:15.

15? It's 11:00 A.M. I'm in Malibu. I can't do that.

Can you make it like around 5:00? Come on, Johnny.

You can get this. Now drive like the wind.

What do you got? Movie of the week with Joe Mantegna.

Joe Montana's acting? Joe Mantegna, dickhead.

Who wants to take a ride into town with me?

Sorry, Johnny. Got a scuba lesson. Take Turtle.

Come on, Vince! I want to learn to scuba.

You know how buoyant I am. Come on, Turtle.

All right.

But you owe me a flinch from before.

All right, fine. Hurry up, get it over with.

I only need one.

I love that sh*t!

You got Gold.

Do you really answer the phone that way or did you see it was me?

Don't tilt your head. You can't hold the phone when I'm cutting your hair.

Lloyd, come hold the phone. You're impossible today.

You're impossible, my man.

Dana Gordon, the second love of my life, what can I do for you? Look, I have a little heads up, but it's for your ears only. Swear you won't tell anyone.

Did I tell anyone that your first girl-girl sex was with someone from must-see TV in '95?

Okay, Ari, please. Spill it.

I'll swallow a cyanide tablet if they capture me.

Okay. Mandy Moore has moved to the top of the list, all right?

James sat down with her and he loves her skin tone next to the water.

Is that official? We're ready to make an offer.

But here's the thing. I know that Vince and Mandy dated.

Did you know that? I know everything about my clients.

Well, then will you tell me what you know about the Walk to Remember incident?

Why am I doing this anyway?

You're part of the team, that's why.

Yeah, well, it's not natural to breathe underwater.

You didn't have a problem in the pool.

A pool's a pool.

Ocean's an ocean. No sharks in the pool.

Don't worry.

If we come across any sharks, you got Aquaman to protect you.

Wow. That's comforting.

Hey. Where are you?

Just heading to Vince's scuba lesson.

Ah, scuba. Sport normally reserved for the rich, but you get free lessons from a Navy Seal because you happen to have been born next door to Vince. What's up, Ari?

Do you know anything about Vince and Mandy Moore?

No. A Walk to Remember?

What about it? Well, apparently they had to shut the production down for two days because Vince was harassing her?

The studio's very concerned.

You know what? I'll call you back, Ari.

Listen, they want her, but if this causes a problem for Vince, I will squash it. James Cameron does not want a mopey Aquaman. Look, I said I'll call you back.

You better do it quickly, 'cause normally I would not care if you drown, but I need an answer right away.

What happened?

They want to offer the movie to Mandy Moore.

Interesting.

f*cking Malibu!

Look, all I'm asking is what happened with you and Mandy.

I told you, we went out for a little while.

The guys say she crushed you. I wouldn't say "crushed."

Oh, no? Well, Turtle says you made her a mix tape.

So full of sh*t.

Yeah, all right. I made her a mix tape.

I didn't send it though. The studio knows you went out.

They're concerned. What are they concerned about?

Some kind of an incident on A Walk to Remember.

Like what?

Ari said they shut down production for two days

'cause you were harassing her.

And you believe that? No, of course not.

I mean, did they shut down production?

Did they shut down production?

Oh, yeah. They did shut down production.

The crew ate bad clams.

Look, the bottom line is, if you want, we can get her off the movie.

E, this has been like five years already.

This is a stupid conversation.

I haven't even thought about her till her name was mentioned this morning.

Will you pop the trunk?

Hey, gents, who's ready for the first open ocean dive?

Hey, what's up, Dale? I'll tell you what's up.

Mr. Cameron wants you ocean ready in two weeks, and that means the kiddy pool is history.

Now, E, if you can't handle this, tell me now.

I don't think I can handle it.

When did you become such a p*ssy?

4-H camp, '85. You don't remember that?

I almost drowned in the undertow.

Oh, yeah? The lake had an undertow?

Now, E, you ought not to sweat this small stuff.

I have revived people on seven continents, and never lost... Actually, I did lose one, but that was in Antarctica, and I blame it on the cold.

Now get your gear and let's go.

I'm gonna be late. I'm gonna miss this.

Would you calm down? I'm driving like a champ.

Let me out.

How are you gonna audition like that?

You're sweating like an animal!

Damn, I knew it!

Johnny, we were just about to close up shop.

I didn't think you were gonna make it. Sorry, Sheila.

I came in all the way from Malibu.

All the way from Malibu? You must be exhausted.

Yeah. Come on in.

Johnny Chase.

Let's try and not have another incident like last year, huh, John?

Thanks.

All I'm saying is, this is the most important movie of your career.

I'm not sure you wanna take a chance of f*cking it up over some girl.

Hey, Eric, this could be the most important movie of her career, and you wanna f*ck that up because you think I can't handle it?

Look, I'm not worried about her. I'm worried about you.

Don't worry about me. I'm fine.

The fact that we're even talking about this is nuts!

Hey! You two sweethearts wanna shut the f*ck up and focus on the ocean?

I just got off the horn with the coast guard.

They said there's a high shark alert between now and noon.

Mr. Cameron wants to do this anyway, so that means you're gonna have to keep you head up and swiveling.

Are you f*cking with us?

Yeah, I'm f*cking with you.

But I wasn't f*cking with you about that guy who croaked in Antarctica, so stay alert.

Now, get over here and get your sh*t on.

And besides, if James Cameron wants her in the movie, she's in the movie.

f*cking incident!

That's what this prick says to me!

Davies set me up.

What's this guy doing up my ass?

Don't you know the expression "Never drive angry"?

And this beady-eyed little jerk-off just sitting on his Sidekick again, just goading me!

He probably wasn't even talking to anyone.

Get off my ass! Go around me!

Would you pull over and let me drive?

Do you really find it necessary to drive up my ass?

f*ck you, dude.

"Dude"? Do you believe this guy?

f*cking locals!

f*ck you, townie!

assh*le!

Take it easy, Drama. Do we really need a midday fight right now?

Why don't you get out of the car and say it to my face, fucker! Drama, come on!

Why are we picking a fight with Point Break? Let's just get out of here.

Why don't you do yourself a favor, tough guy?

Get back in your car before someone gets hurt.

Weren't you on TV or something before?

Yeah, I was.

Yeah, like 20 f*cking years ago!

That's it. Go do it, man.

What the f*ck you doing?

What are you doing to my car?

What the f*ck are you doing to my car?

Drama, your phone's ringing.

Pick it up! That's my car, dude!

Hey, Adam.

No, he can't come to the phone.

It's your agent, you booked the gig!

I booked it?

You booked it, m*therf*cker! We'll call you back.

Yes!

I booked it! Drop the club!

Thank God! Step away from the car, now!

Hey, you guys like Joe Mantegna?

What happened? What happened is, I just got an M.O.W. For NBC!

We're both working men now, kid.

I think what he means is why did you get arrested, Drama?

The lunatic went Jack Nicholson on some poor guy's car.

I hope you didn't use my nine-iron.

No, I used E's Calloway.

He's got a court date next week.

If you're lucky, Vince, they'll put him away for life.

This is gonna be all over the papers. There's no way to stop it.

Good. People will think my brother's tough, know not to f*ck with me.

Hey. Hey, did Drama get his salad tossed?

Stop fantasizing, Ari. What's going on? Is Mandy Moore in?

The offer went out, but get this...

She wants to have dinner with me?

Yeah, she wants to make sure it's not gonna be awkward before she says yes.

Of course it's gonna be awkward, Vince.

This girl ruined your youth!

You're the star. Tell them you don't want her.

I'm gonna tell Davies I want a say who's playing my love interest.

Why don't you get Lorenzo Lamas, Drama?

So you're telling me she'll pass on a James Cameron movie if it's awkward?

Jesus Christ, Vince, what did you do to this girl?

Nothing! Shauna, you remember.

I remember you living on the break-up diet of canned tuna and saltines. You dropped 15 lbs.

You looked like f*cking Adrian Brody in The Pianist.

I'm starting to get annoyed by all of you.

I have no feelings about this at all.

And besides, she's got a very serious boyfriend, so there's nothing wrong if she wants to sit down.

So we're gonna sit down. Set up the meeting, E.

Vince?

She don't have a boyfriend. What are you talking about?

She's dating that big real estate guy.

They broke up. They had a big fight over a cockroach.

She threw a mojito in his face.

You were there? No, I read about it in US Weekly.

Is this true? I heard something about it, but you know what? She's got a shitty publicist, or that would have never made the papers.

You know what? Whatever.

Either way, set up the dinner. I'll show up.

Is the script in the frame? It's cool, right here?

I want to make sure it looks like I'm really reading it.

Jess! Am I photo-friendly? How is it going?

Ari, we need to talk. Right.

What are you gonna do? Are you gonna bump Patrick Whitesell off the list?

'Cause I'm officially okay with that.

Ari, what year did you graduate?

1990.

Not law school. Undergrad.

What are you inferring?

You're ineligible. Your birthday's Thursday.

Right, Thursday I'm gonna be 36.

Can you believe it? Time flies, huh?

No, you're turning 40, Ari.

I just got off the phone with your old assistant Josh Weinstein. 40.

Weinstein.

Come on, guys, let's go. Let's wrap it up. We're not staying.

Someone's gonna pay for the mystic tan, Jess?

You're staying. I'm gonna take some family photos.

You guys work for me now.

Yeah, Rufus, thanks for doing this so quick.

It was nothing. I just repo'd all this sh*t out of Don Johnson's house anyway.

The m*therf*cker tried to pay me with signed Nash Bridges DVDs.

Season three, episode seven, me and Cheech, enjoy.

All right, here we go.

He's really outclassed here tonight.

Now this place is a home.

Six months tops, the salt water will chew a hole right through that screen.

This kid's a f*cking misery, huh?

Hey, guys, how do I look?

How do you look? You look like you.

He's saying you look good, Vince.

I don't love the shirt, personally.

Rufus, you don't like the shirt?

Vince, that shirt dulls the sparkle in your eyes.

If I was you, I'd go with blue Façonnable.

It says, "Hello, I'm here, and I'm doing fine without you."

Vince, you're kidding me, right?

I know you 25 years, you never asked me how you looked.

You know you look f*cking good.

You all right? Yeah, I'm just kidding.

Could go for a smoke, though.

I got a pound of the bubble kush stashed in the wheel well of my DeVille. Roll one up.

Cool. I'm gonna change the shirt.

Mandy Moore, kryptonite.

Any big news stories today, E?

What do you mean?

Mandy's really smart. She was always testing me on what was going on in the world.

I heard Pamela Anderson dropped another tit size.

Thanks, Turtle. Just tell her you're devastated by what's going on in Africa.

It says you're up on current events and you're sensitive. Yeah.

All right, I'm going in.

All right. Go get her, Vince. Head up, baby.

Yo, remember, the movie's called Aquaman, not Aquagirl.

Go get her.

Vince, how are you? Hey, Charlie, how are you doing?

Miss Moore's waiting at your table.

All right. See you.

Hey! Hey.

How are you? Hello.

Hi. Good to see you.

Good to see you too.

Well, I guess we've proven that this won't be awkward.

Damn, I should have told him about that busload of nuns that fell off that cliff last month.

What he should have been talking about was all the girls he's banged in the last five years.

That would have drove her crazy.

I can't believe I'm waiting outside a restaurant while he's on a date.

How do you like being a manager now, E?

I was.

That's not how I remember it. You have your memories, and I have mine.

Let's try and cherish them both.

Okay.

Can you believe it's been five years?

I know, time is flying, huh?

And you don't think it's strange we've never spoken?

We had an on-set romance.

These things don't last.

Wow!

Someone's gotten glib.

Well, I've glibbened with age.

What can I say?

I know that's not a word. I wasn't gonna correct you.

Really? Okay, I was, but I realized that you were kidding.

Look, I don't know what to say.

Why don't you tell me why you never called me back?

I mean, I was humiliated. What do you...

You asked me to marry you after five weeks.

I was 20! I thought I was in love with you.

I thought I was in love with you too.

I just thought you were half-kidding.

No, I wasn't.

But look, this is fate, right?

Every time I've ever done a movie, I've always imagined them telling me that you were gonna be the girl.

And you are the girl.

You're single, I'm single.

We'll take it slow, see what happens.

No, no, no, I'm not single.

I'm getting married in a month.

How'd it go? She was right. It's awkward.

Let's get her off the movie.