02x12 - Pittsburgh

[bunniefuu]

Previously on "weeds"...

I'm having an affair with doug.

Hey, let's play some weird surveillance videos.

Drug-free-zone bandit finally stole my last camera.

I'm gonna be the class speaker for graduation.

Will you stop hitting on my boyfriend?

Why are you with her? It's never boring.

Abumchuck. He's just this bounty hunter.

I did something illegal.

You are no longer welcome in my house.

Celia: how did dana take it?

She would have been devastated.

I've been thinking it might be a good idea to...

Plea? Relocate.

You are a drug dealer.

I do not love him. I'm never gonna love him.

Conrad: he don't know that, right?

No, I left it okay, I think.

Take your last harvest, get a single buyer, make a quick deal.

Hand all of the cash over to me.

I want you to ensure that I never see you again, or your boyfriend is going to be just another dead n*gg*r!

Heylia: you getting the shakedown?

Welcome to the f*cking party.

You in? Yeah, I'll take it.

We got g*ns.

Nancy: tomorrow 3:00 at the grow house.

Just you and me and your friend, right?

It just wouldn't be any fun without him.

It's shane's graduation. I can't do this.

You're gonna reschedule with u-turn?

What do you want?

Something you want. p*ssy?

Greetings, agrestic elementary school, class of 2006.

Greetings, agrestic elementary school, class of 2006.

Hello, teachers, siblings, parents, stepparents, pets.

No pets.

Okay, greetings, agrestic elementary school, class of 2006.

Did you know about all this stuff?

Of course not. You never clean anymore.

I think he do this for you.

Please.

Look, he decide to steal cameras, not car stereos and doorknobs.

Why would anyone steal a doorknob?

There are some nice doorknobs.

Lupita... Listen.

Yes?

If something were to happen to me...

What's going to happen to you?

Nothing, but if something did...

Yes?

The kids go to my sister jill. Not to andy, okay?

Jill.

Her number's in my book.

Jill price-gray... With a f*cking hyphen.

Under "j" for jill.

You know what? Um... Don't worry about it.

Nothing's gonna happen. I'm gonna be fine.

Okay.

Okay.

I'm not going to chile with you.

Bolivia then or one of the guays... Para, ura.

You decide.

Why? Why do we have to leave?

Because I stole $1.3 million worth of poker chips from a casino in canada.

And abumchuck is not just a bounty hunter, but he's also an ultimate fighter.

Uh-huh.

But don't worry. I have a plan.

We'll go down to south america.

We find this guy, helmut... Serious gambler.

He'll buy the chips for 34 cents on the dollar, and we'll get a little casita and have babies.

I always know exactly when I'm ovulating.

Oh, my god.

We'll leave after graduation.

I'll make a waldorf salad for the road or a corn salad.

I make a great corn salad.

Do we have a cooler?

You know, I haven't forgotten how you stabbed me, screaming, "die, shitheel, die."

You stepped on my spirit-turtle.

You are bat-sh*t nuts, kat, and I love that about you.

But I never meant for you to find me again, and I cannot go away with you.

You know how I hate to travel alone.

I want to lick the space where your toes used to be.

I know you do. I know.

Oh, god, that's it right there, right there, right there.

Ooh.

Son of a bitch.

Son of a f*cking cold bitch.

Silas, it's me again.

I'm offering you amnesty if you come home in the next hour, probation if you show up for graduation.

At the very least, please let me know you're okay.

Wow. You look very handsome.

Are... We moving?

Why don't you let me get through today and then ask me about that again tomorrow, okay?

Is silas coming to my graduation?

I'm not sure about that.

Mom?

Yeah?

What do I tell people when they ask what you do?

You tell them I'm your mom.

I've been doing some research on the internet, and I really think pittsburgh is the place for us.

I'll keep that in mind.

Pittsburgh.

Okay.

Pittsburgh.

Good morning. Good morning. What?

Oh, no. I spilled.

I'll go get the paper towels.

Honey, relax. It's just a little milk.

But mom will totally ...mom will what?

Mom's not here.

But she'll be back.

No, honey. Not this time.

Really. Come on.

Dad, you know the harry potter books that we've read?

Love them all. Love the harry potter.

Mom is voldemort.

You may have reduced her to vapor now, but she is out there, gathering her strength, and she will be back.

Don't you know that?

You better get ready for graduation.

Big day today. Big day.

Silas, we're leaving for graduation now.

I hope you'll meet us there.

This is really important to shane. Really.

Don't do this to him.

Oh, god.

Jesus, you scared me.

Good.

I hope you peed your panties.

Where is he?

Who?

Oh, right. I guess you had to ask that.

"Who, celia...

"The one who called you a drunk at a public assembly or the one who stole civic property?"

I have no idea what you're talking about.

I have silas on video stealing.

I have no idea what you're talking about.

Oh, not today.

Mom, we're gonna be late.

Where the hell did you get a g*n?

I borrowed it from pam.

Oh, my god!

I only had the one b*llet.

I was gonna sh**t doug.

I'll see you at graduation.

Are you okay?

This would have never happened in pittsburgh.

Conrad: why am I even here?

I heard you might be meeting your maker today, so we figured, "let's send that boy off to die with a nice hot breakfast in his belly."

What do you know?

What do we know?

Vaneeta, what do we know?

Is the baby too little for a blueberry?

No, but if you give it to him, cut it up real small.

And put a bib on 'cause that sh*t gonna stain.

Heylia got a little visit from your girlfriend.

I told her not to come to y'all.

Heylia: don't nobody listen to you, conrad.

He come after you?

Yeah.

He gonna want to finish it.

Probably.

Let me ask you this. You want to die today?

No.

Eat your f*cking waffle.

Greetings, agrestic elementary school, class of 2006.

Hello, teachers, parents, stepparents, siblings, boyfriends and girlfriends of parents, assorted relatives, friends of your mom and dad who you call aunt and uncle who really aren't, and principal dodge.

As I stand before you today on the brink of junior high, here is what I have to say.

You have failed us all!

Everything is not okay!

We have become alienated...

Desensitized...

...angry, and frightened.

If we picture agrestic as an airplane, a grand soaring jet carrying us through the sky, I think you all need to understand there are m*therf*cking snakes on this m*therf*cking plane.

Dodge: okay, that's it botwin.

That is quite enough. We said no profanity.

You are done. Here's your diploma.

You are agrestic junior high's problem now.

Ladies and gentlemen, it's time to give out the diplomas.

All: let him speak! Let him speak!

m*therf*cking let him m*therf*cking speak!

I will call off this graduation if we don't have order.

Let him speak! Let him speak!

Let him speak! Let him speak!

Let him speak! Let him speak!

Shane: we are not safe!

You moved here so that you feel safe, but your children are not safe!

Dodge: I will boot you off this stage like a nerf ball.

I'm not done.

I have to go.

You can take shane to the party, and I'll see you guys later.

Tell shane I'm sorry. I had to go.

Where are you going?

It's business.

Dodge: stupid, little... f*cking mike!

Where are you going?

Congratulations, you've all graduated.

Goodbye.

Either you control your woman, or I will.

I hear you. I'm cutting in.

Are you my boyfriend or not?

I liberated a case of cactus cooler for the ride.

I'm not coming with you.

It tastes like baby aspirin.

Well, in that case, I'm still not going with you.

Jesus, you scared me.

You ought to let a person know you're coming.

I could have cut you up into seven little men holding hands.

You hear from our friend?

He's trying to scare me.

Is it working?

f*ck, yes.

You're a good kisser.

Kat: oh, sh*t.

What? What's "oh, sh*t"? Abumchuck.

It's now or never. Come with me.

I can't be alone, and you're my favorite person on earth.

I can't do it, kat.

Fine. f*ck you. Give me your van keys.

You can't have my van.

I'm just gonna steal it anyway.

Fine.

Wife-fucker.

Career-wrecker.

You punched my neck.

You're freakishly tall.

I'm also freakishly long, so imagine how much of me was inside your wife.

Hey, come here.

Did you hear my speech?

No, I missed it.

You're an assh*le.

I'm sorry. I had stuff to do. Where's mom?

I don't know. She took off during my speech.

Did she say where she was going? No, she just left.

Some f*cking family you got stuck with, huh?

Hey, what's up?

Man, you coming in real time, or you coming in black-people time?

All right, we'll be here.

Black-people time?

Some of us like watermelon. Some got big dicks.

Most of us have trouble getting places on time.

I get it.

I like gin, and I'm not much for hugging.

Hey, did you bring a g*n?

Actually, that's one cultural stereotype that I am not fulfilling today.

I brought a g*n.

Celia left one at my house this morning after she sh*t out my kitchen cabinet.

Jesus. Give me that f*cking thing.

There aren't any b*ll*ts in it.

Another great plan from you.

Peter: you shouldn't put metal in a microwave.

Hi, honey, I got your note.

You sure know how to charm a girl.

Have you been f*cking him the whole time you were married to me?

No, I told you that.

It's just business between us.

Always has been.

Hmm. Your loss. She fucks like a wild animal.

Sanjay: hey, guys.

Oh, isn't it my shift?

You're the little sh*t who smashed my muffin.

Forgive me?

If you let go, I will k*ll you.

I will k*ll you.

I will k*ll you, you son of a bitch.

Oh! All right, now you're dead.

Now you are f*cking dead, doug wilson!

I have no respect for you personally, but I always thought you were cute, and I'm single now.

By the way, have you seen your nephew?

Oh, never mind.

Suit looks good.

I'll be in touch.

Get the f*ck out of my way.

Jesus, people are so rude in the south.

Well, that's it.

Yeah?

Yep, we're broken up.

Sorry, kid. He's a heartbreaker, that one.

Yeah, well, maybe they deserve each other.

Who?

Shane and kat.

Yeah, well, she's gone.

I know. They left together.

They left... sh*t. When?

A few minutes ago. The two of them took off.

U-turn: yo, m*therf*ckers, anybody home?

Big, bad wolf coming in.

I'll be waiting in my truck.

What the f*ck, little piggies?!

You out, too.

Oh, no, not with him.

Somebody got to answer the door.

Hold up!

Just be very quiet.

Okay. No noise.

Don't come out of here no matter what.

Don't you come out, okay?

Okay.

Oh, hey.

It's about time.

I was just about to huff and puff.

Some nice set-up you got here.

Now, take off your shirt.

What?

Take off your f*cking shirt.

Marvin, check conrad for a wire. She's mine.

That's bullshit.

It's called due diligent.

Now, are you gonna do the diligent, or am i?

It's diligence.

It's nice titties.

Okay, I've shown you mine. You show me yours.

In a minute. I got to pee. Where's your f*cking toilet?

Doing that maple lemonade fast flushes you out.

He pees more than my cousin jerome who only got one kidney.

Poor jerome.

We are gonna have the best adventures.

Thanks for keeping me company, shane.

Cactus cooler?

Where are we going?

Where do you want to go?

Pittsburgh.

Okay.

But we have to make a quick stop in paraguay first.

Cool.

It tastes like baby aspirin.

Step on it, geronimo.

You watch that sh*t, man.

Yes?

No, no, no, no, no, no, no.

Go, go, go. Go. Kasheshian says "goodbye."

Yeah, I been on this flush.

Yeah, maple lemonade.

Uh, my kid's graduating, so, um, could we just get through this?

You give us the money. We give you the dr*gs.

Everybody goes away.

You don't see the cash until I see the weed.

Marvin, help me with this.

No, hey.

Psst.

Open it.

No. You don't see the weed till I see the cash.

You know what? You're almost right about that.

What the f*ck?!

Yeah, now give us the dr*gs, and we'll let you live.

Uh, where's... Where's the money?

Ain't no money, fool! I'm a f*cking criminal!

Now, open up the safe 'fore I sh**t both y'all.

I hear you. You're a wonderful criminal.

Bitch.

What the hell are you thinking?

You ain't got no army.

Oh, sh*t.

Right now, business is business, homeboy.

Hey, hey! What the f*ck?!

Son of a bitch.

Where's the money?

The n*gro lady says I k*ll agent assh*le, you pay us.

He's dead?

Where is my money, conrad?

We've ran into a little problem.

There ain't no money 'cause they decided to jack us.

Son of a bitch, m*therf*cker.

Fine, fine. We take the pot then.

Unh-unh-unh. No way. That's my sh*t.

Why?! You k*ll a federal agent?!

Me k*lling all y'all!

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. We all got g*ns.

We k*ll each other, then nobody gets nothing!

Um... He's... He's dead?

Um... Peter?

Yes! Yes! Yes!

Okay, okay, sorry. A lot of data flying around.

Will somebody open the f*cking safe?!

You got to pee again?

Shut the f*ck up!

Open the f*cking safe!

Nancy, open the f*cking safe!

Okay.

Oh, not today.

There's no m*therf*cking weed in here.

Bitch, you about to die.

Uh... Relax, everybody.

Um...

I'm, um...

I'm reaching for my cellphone.

Uh, hold on.

Oh.

Um...

It's ringing.

Hi, nancy.

Um... Honey...

Did you take something that doesn't belong to you?

I want in.

That's him.

That's the little fucker who stole my cameras.

Arrest him.

sh*t.