03x05 - Bill Sussman

[bunniefuu]

Previously On "Weeds"...

Sullivan: Behold, The Incorporated City Of Majestic, A City Experiencing A Rate Of Growth Few People Could Have Anticipated.

Thank You, Mr. Groff. Sullivan.

Dumb Name.

My Name Is Guillermo.

Tell Your Friend U-Turn... You Tell Him He's A Lawn Jockey Now.

What The f*ck Is This? Your Pot.

You Were Supposed To Pick Up A Key Of Jack.

Heroin?

I'm Gonna k*ll That Bean-Farting m*therf*cker.

H-Heroin?

Chop That sh*t Up.

Bring Me Back $12,500.

How Am I Supposed To Put Food On My Table If You Keep Upping My Debt?!

Get A f*cking Job.

You're A Very Beautiful Woman.

I Bet You Look Good Rolling Right Out Of Bed In The Morning.

If I Hire You, I'll Be Paying To Make Comments Like That.

You Okay With That?

As Long As You're Okay With Being sh*t Down Every Time.

Can You Grow Here?

Hell, Yeah. It's Perfect.

f*ckin' Shame It's All Gonna Be For U-Turn.

You Let Me Worry About U-Turn.

You Know, This Community-Service Thing Is Totally Unsupervised.

I Will Never Let You Deal.

You Don't Have A Choice. I Know You Don't.

Man: That Is Your Battle Buddy!

I Can't Wait To k*ll Me Some t*rrorists.

Are You Kidding Me?

This Is Gonna Be Great!

Rodriguez: Okay, Hold On.

Now Point The Camera At My Ass. Hurry.

I Don't Want To See Your Balls, Man!

Tuck 'Em Away!

All Right. There. There. Fine.

Ready? Okay.

It's Coming. Oh, And It's A Good One.

Here It Comes. Hey, What Is That?

It's Showtime!

Wow! That Was Rodriguez?

Yeah. And They f*cking k*lled Him.

For Trying To Light Farts?

They Don't Need A Reason, Doug.

It's Pat Tillman All Over Again.

I Got To Forward This To My Fraternity Brothers.

Forward It To Lowell Bergman, All Right?

Forward It To Harry Reid.

Are They Beta Phi Omegas?

Okay, Uh, I Love You.

And I Thank You For The Pants And The Chinese Food And, What, 70, 80 Bucks That You Got Here.

But Uninformed Doug, Doug Of The Disengaged Electorate, That Doug Needs To Remove Himself From The Room

'Cause I'm Riding The Edge Here.

Do You Want Me To Answer It?

That's How They Track You. That's How They Got Rodriguez.

If You Answer It, I Could Be A Dead Man.

Hello?

Mr. Botwin.

He's Not Available Right Now. Who, May I Ask, Is Calling?

You Know Who This Is.

Hmm. What? What?

Scary. Deep Voice.

Very Deep. Very Scary.

You Can't Stay Here.

They Are Going To k*ll You, Andy.

I Sold Jesus A Quarter Ounce At The Fast Mart.

He's A Mexican Guy Who's On Roadkill With Me Working Off A D.U.I.

He Loves The Lord, And He Loves Weed.

And So Does His Cousin Javier, Who Works In The Kitchen At Amechi's.

I Only Sold Him A Dime, But Two Of The Delivery Guys Bought A Half Ounce Each.

Got A Free Meatball Sub. Does That Happen To You A Lot?

Free Food? Not Really.

Happened To Me Twice Today.

Want Some Jerky?

Thank You, No.

After The Sub, I Drove Back And Checked In With My Supervisor, And He Sent Me To Bingo.

Bingo.

At The Retirement Home, Run By Church Volunteers And Misdemeanor Felons.

Three Customers There.

Mr. Mertes.

You Sell To Mertes?

Any Cars Follow You?

No.

You Sold $2,000 In A Day.

Impressive, Huh?

Temporary. This Is Not A Career Path.

This Is A Family In Crisis.

And I'm Being The Good Son.

I'm Assuming You b*rned Through Your Client Base.

Kinda.

Okay. I'll Make Some Calls.

But If You Sell To These People, You're Not The Good Son.

You're Some Random Punk Who Sells For Me.

Pick An Alias, Work Your Deliveries Around Your Community Service.

Will Do.

Give Some Jerky To Your Brother. He's Mad At Me.

Why This Time?

I Put Him In Majestic Summer School To Keep Him Off The Streets, Away From dr*gs.

Sullivan: I Love That Sound.

Hammer The Nails, Pour The Cement Down.

Good Men Are Gonna Raise Their Families Here.

Of Course, It's That Kind Of Missionary Zeal That's Got Us Into This Mess, Isn't It?

We Need These Sewer Lines.

We Need These Votes.

And The Word Around Town Says, "You Get Doug Wilson's Vote...

The Rest Will Follow."

Well, That's Beautiful.

I'm Thinking A Golf Membership.

Bob: Okay.

Now, I Know A Lot Of You Are Looking Up At This Board And You're Thinking To Yourselves, "Critical Thinking?

That Sounds Kind Of Square. Sounds Kind Of Whack."

Okay.

Who Here Can Tell Bob What "Critical Thinking" Means?

Anybody?

Hit Me.

"Critical Thinking Is The Process Of Conceptualizing

"And Analyzing Information

"Gathered From Observation Or Communication As A Guide To Belief In Action."

You Got A Name, Friend?

Shane Botwin.

Dap?

Blow It Up.

Shane Botwin, Let Me Ask You A Question.

Do You Want To Spend The Next Couple Weeks Reading Out Of A Textbook, Or Would You Rather Keep It Real?

I Guess Keep It Real.

'Cause I Can Assign You Pages From The Textbook.

You Can Copy Them Into Your Notebooks, Regurgitate Them Later For A Test.

I Can Do That If That's What You Want.

Or...

Maybe You And I Can Solve A m*rder.

Cool. Cool. Cool. Cool.

U-Turn: Two Gs.

That's Right.

The Agreement Was $12,500.

You Breaking The Social Contract.

Well, I'm Working With Some New People.

It Takes Time.

10 Grand Light.

Usually Get A n*gga sh*t.

Oh, Good Thing I'm White.

U-Turn, I've Been sh*t! I've Been sh*t!

What The f*ck Happened?

Ow! I Was Getting The Mail.

Truck Come By... Blam! Blam! Blam!

sh*t In The Ass!

H-Hi, Marvin.

Hi, Nancy.

You, Go Outside And Start Rousting n*gg*s.

Find Out Who Saw What.

Man, You Think It Was The Mexicans?

Cucaracha m*therf*ckers Need To Get Stomped!

f*ck, Man, Hey, Hey!

You Bleeding All Over, Man!

Put Your Hand Over Your Ass, Man!

Blot That sh*t, Man! Blot It!

I Need A Doctor!

You Ain't Getting In My Leather Seats With That Ass.

Oh, No.

No, No. No Way.

This One Of These Hybrids, Huh? Yes.

How Are You Doing Back There, Marvin?

Got A f*ckin' b*llet In My Ass!

Great.

Are We Sure This Is The Way To The Hospital?

We Ain't Going To No Motherfuckin' Hospital.

Charge You 50 Bucks For An Aspirin, Treat You Like sh*t If You Don't Have Insurance.

Make A Right.

We Got Our Own Guy... Dr. Tupelo.

He Don't Ask No Questions.

And He Real Good At Takin' b*ll*ts Out Of People.

Lovely. Can't Wait To Meet Him.

Marvin, What's The g*ng Sign For Those Tres Seis b*tches?

Yeah, That's What I Thought.

Make A Right.

Who's Tres Seis?

The Three Sixes.

Guillermo's Crew.

Little Bitch Is All Moody 'Cause He Thinks I Jacked His Horse.

You Did.

That Don't Give Him Permission To sh**t You In Your Ass!

That m*therf*cker Gonna Get His.

You Don't Mean "Horse" Like, Like, Horse Like "Neigh"?

Don't Play That Doe-Eye Cute sh*t With Me.

I Know You Know Better.

Aah!

Oh, Honey, It's Gonna Be Okay.

You Buy Or Lease This Car?

Uh, I-I Bought.

Hmm. How Much.

I-I Don't Really Recall Right Now!

There's A Man Bleeding In My Backseat!

I Have To Pick Up My Son From Summer School!

Make Another Right.

I-I-I Have To Get This.

H-Hello?

Sullivan: Hey, I Just Want To Make Sure Those Packets Went Out This Morning.

Oh, Yeah, Absolutely. Liar!

Who's That? Who The f*ck Is You, n*gga?!

Oh, Sorry, I'm Losing You. Bye!

Make Another Right And Slow Down.

Okay, Now We're Driving In A Circle.

Yeah, But We're About To Go Straight In A Second.

Yeah, m*therf*cker!

Drive, Bitch, Drive!

We Need These Sewer Lines.

We Need These Votes.

And The Word Around Town Says, "You Get Celia Hodes' Vote, The Rest Will Follow."

I Hear Doug Wilson Is Getting A Golf Membership.

I Love A Woman Who Does Her Homework.

Would You Like A Golf Membership, Too?

I Don't Play Golf.

Oh. Well.

What Is It You Do Play, Celia?

I Play House.

Hey, Sweetie.

How Was Your First Day?

Mostly Sucky.

Uh-Huh.

Only Mostly?

Hello. You Must Be Shane's Mother.

Hi. Yeah, Hi.

Eve Meriweather, Education Coordinator.

Well, Shane Had A Fabulous First Day.

Bob Really Took A Shine To Him.

Bob. That's Great.

What Happened To The Backseat?

Mom Spilled Some Coffee.

And This Is For You.

It's Just Some Forms And Permission Slips.

It Covers Everything You'll Need To Know About The Absolute Truth Ministries Campus.

We Got Some Super-Great Programs, "Prayer Power" Meetings.

And Not Just For Shane But For The Whole Family.

You're A Jewish, Right?

Um, No. I'm Not.

Shane's Father Was A Jewish.

Did He Pass?

Most People Thought He Was Italian.

Yes!

Yes, He's No Longer With Us!

Yes. Oh, I'm So Sorry.

Losing Your Husband... I Just Can't Imagine.

Yeah.

Well, God Bless You. Are These Shell Casings?

Oh, Eve, In A Rush! Got To Go. Got To Make Dinner.

Buckle Up, Honey.

All Right. We'll See You. Bye!

Jane: So, When You Cast Your Vote Tonight, Rubber-Stamping Another Environmental Holocaust The Name Of "Urban Renewal,"

I Want You To Remember The San Acitos Dirt Shrew.

How Could We Forget Him?

Their Beauty Was Here Long Before We Were.

This Sewer Is Soaked In Their Blood.

Thank You, Jane Chaffin, Founder, President, And Sole Member Of The Agrestic Eco-Warriors.

Your Passion Humbles Us.

And That Concludes The Public Debate On Motion 412, Proposal To Expand The Sewer And Water Reclamation Systems Of Greater Agrestic.

Let's Do This.

All Of Those...

All In Favor Of More Pipe, Say "Aye."

Aye. Aye. Aye. Aye.

Aye. The "Ayes" Have It.

A Moment Of Silence For The Dirt Shrew.

The Motion Is Passed.

What The f*ck Did You Get?

House Still For Sale?

Andy?

Andy's Dead. I'm Bill... Bill Sussman.

Here's Your Mail.

How's The Army?

They k*lled Rodriguez.

Yeah, Well, I Think I k*lled A Hernandez.

That's A Wig.

Yeah, That's All They Had At Rite Aid...

Mostly Wigs For Black Women.

Are These b*llet Holes Back Here?

What? Oh, Those.

I Was In A Drive-By sh**ting Yesterday.

I Was Driving The Car... This Car.

I May Be A m*rder*r... Murderess.

Actually, I Think We Only Clipped Him...

You Know, Hit Him In The Leg.

Hit Who In The Leg?

One Of The Mexicans. Tres Seis.

They sh*t Marvin.

Who's Marvin?

I'm Scrubbing His Blood Out Of The Backseat.

It Won't Come Out.

I Tried Everything! Nothing Works!

Are... Are You Okay?

Actually, Andy... Bill Sussman.

I Think I Am Okay.

I Mean, Stuff Keeps Piling On, Piling On, Piling On.

And While Tomorrow Is Another Day I'm Pretty Sure Something Even More Heinous Is Gonna Happen To Me, Because That Just Seems To Be The Way It Rolls!

I Really Think I'm Finding Myself.

Oh.

Look At My Hand.

Nerves Of Steel.

Pretty Steady.

That's What I'm Talking About.

Well, Uh, This Is All Good.

Um, Meanwhile, A Reconnaissance Drone k*lled My Battle Buddy, And I'm Going To Die.

I Know Too Much.

I Was Hoping For A Shower, Maybe A Little Nap.

Um...

But You Obviously Are Having A Slow Psychotic Breakdown, So I'll Just Ask, Do You Have Any Money?

No, I Don't.

Uh, I Have A Backseat Full Of Blood.

I Have Two License Plates I May Have To Remove.

I Have An Assistant's Job That A Monkey Could Do.

I Have A Death Wish.

You're Welcome To Any Of Those Sparkly Gems.

But, As Far As Money Goes... Bill?...

Everything That Comes In Goes Out.

I'm Gonna Go Now.

I Like This New You.

She's A Winner.

Tell The Kids I Miss Them.

You Betcha.

Where You Hear That?

You Sure About That?

That's Good News.

Cool.

And?

g*nf*re In The Streets.

Brown Fighting Black, Black Fighting Brown, All On Account Of Somebody Went And sh*t Marvin In The Ass.

Something About A Mexican In A Tinted Truck, Driving Up And Pop, Pop, Pop, Right In Marvin's Ass.

That's One Big Ass.

Maybe If That Mexican Had Better Aim, He Wouldn't Have Needed Three sh*ts.

Maybe If He Hadn't Used His Auntie's Snubnose Piece Of sh*t, You'd Be Right.

Hmm.

Still, w*r Is On.

w*r Is On.

More Males?

I Think That's The Last Of Them.

Now, Why Are You Doing That?

Got To Separate The Males From The Females, Or They'll f*ck Up The Whole Crop.

How You Know They Males? They Got Little Plant Dicks?

No Dicks, Just Sacs.

Plants Looking Good In There.

That's 'Cause It's A Roomful Of Women.

Steppin' Up.

And We're Sitting Out There Like Lambs.

And Rodriguez, He's Got The Cellphone Up In His Hand, Just Like That, And That's When It Struck...

...Right In The Chest, Into His Heart.

Tell Them.

What Did He Say? He Says, "Wow, Shocking."

Shocking, Shocking.

A Naive Kid, A Great Kid, Who Only Wanted To Serve His Country.

My Battle Buddy, And sh*t Like This...

These "Accidents"... Going On All The Time.

And We Sit Here Wrapped In Our Blanket Of Apathy, Eating Our Vindaloo, Watching "Dancing With The Stars,"

And We Don't Want To Know About It.

"No Way. That Stuff Happens Over There."

But You...

You... You...

You Tell That To Rodriguez. Tell It To His f*cking Corpse.

Hey, Mom. Hey, You.

Got A Lot Of Calls From Clients Today.

Oh, Yeah?

People Seem To Like The New Guy... Judah.

Tip Of The Hat To The Old Man.

We're Gonna Need More Product Soon.

I'm Having Homework Issues.

Come Here, Let Me See.

"The Day After Prom, "A m*rder Has Taken Place And Blood Has Been Found.

Principal Paul Calls Up Detective Dan To Investigate."

It's Like An Episode Of "Csi."

I Have To Use My Powers Of Critical Thinking To Solve A m*rder.

Who's That?

That's Kyle. He Disappeared Right After The m*rder.

This Is Jill.

Her Blood Matches The Blood Found At The Crime Scene.

And This Is Mia, The Cheerleader.

Kyle Promised To Take Her To The Prom, Then Dumped Her Hard.

Jealous Mia m*rder*d Jill.

That's What I Thought, Too.

So, What's The Problem?

Every Day, We Get New Clues, And Today We Got This One.

"Two Days Later, Jill Arrived At School."

I Thought Jill Was m*rder*d. That's Bogus.

No Body, No m*rder.

It Doesn't Add Up.

W-W-V-M-D.

W-W-V...

What Would Vic Mackey Do?

He'd Plant Evidence And Coerce A Confession.

Okay, But What's Detective Dan Gonna Do?

Drink Myself Into A Stupor, Then Sleep With My prost*tute/Informer.

No More Cable For You.

Mr. Botwin.

This Is My Lawyer, Dean Hodes.

Gentlemen, We Called This Meeting Because My Client Is Tired Of Running.

Go f*ck Yourself.

You're In Possession Of U.S. m*llitary Hardware, Mr. Botwin.

Where's The Phone?

My Client Neither Confirms Nor Denies...

Shut Up. Suck Yourself.

I'm Setting In Front Of You Documents Which, When Signed, Will Honorably Discharge You From The United States Army Reserves.

You're The Drone Guy, Right?

Lawyer For The Contractor?

Your Machine k*lled Rodriguez. You Forced Him Out In The Field.

We Were Gonna Strap That Cellphone To A f*cking Mule Till We Found Your Two Sorry Asses.

And Then We Figured, Why Waste A Good Mule?

Private Rodriguez d*ed A Hero. Sign The Documents, Mr. Botwin.

I'll Need To Look These Over.

There's No Time To Look Over Anything, Mr. Hodes.

Suck Yourself.

You See That Window Washer Outside, Cleaning The Windows, Mr. Botwin?

Notice Anything Unusual?

I Don't Know. Should I?

He's A White Guy?

Actually, He's A Lithuanian.

And That Squeegee He's Holding Is A Remote, Currently Erasing Your Hard Drive, Mr. Wilson.

Would You Confirm That For Me?

Whoa.

That's Because That Window Washer Is Not A Window Washer.

He Works For Us.

And That Janitor In The Hallway, He Works For Us, Too.

Turn On Your Vacuum, Ivan.

Turn It Off.

Turn It On.

Turn It Off.

Two Vans In The Parking Lot, Helicopters.

You're f*cking Surrounded, Dipshit.

And We Can Make You Disappear Faster Than A Mule Can sh*t Itself.

What's With Him And The Mules?

Do You Think We're f*cking Around Here?!

You Return Our Property Pronto, Dickhead!

Give Him The Phone.

Give Him The Phone, Doug!

Doug.

Um, What Am I Signing Here?

You're Not Signing Anything. You're Not Here Right Now.

You Were Never At Fort Irwin, And The Only Man Named Rodriguez You Know Is Some assh*le In The Yankees Thinks He's Better Than Graig Nettles.

Suck Yourself.

Okay, You Have Walked The Crime Scene.

You've Interrogated Your Suspects.

You've Gathered Your Evidence.

Which One Of You Is Ready To Put Your Critical Mind To The Ultimate Test?

Who Here Has Solved The Strange Case Of Cordull High?

Crimes Are Solved By Hard Evidence.

Blood Samples Point To Kyle And Jill, But Since Both Of Them Showed Up At School Later, There Can Be Only One Solution.

There Was No m*rder.

Ah, But There Was...

A m*rder Of The Worst Kind.

For, You See, Jill Had An Abortion.

Nancy: It's Horrible. It's Disgusting.

But I Have No Place Else To Put You.

You're Just Going To Have To Fake It For A Bit.

Silas: Hey, Mom.

What's Up, Nance?

What Are You Doing Here?

Oh, Just Dropping Off Some Business, Getting A Rundown On The Operation, Meeting The Family.

Uncle Andy's Back.

And He Has A Bag Of Ice On His Balls.

What's Up, Little Man? Hey.

Shane, Go In The House With Your Brother.

Listen To Your Mother, Shane.

She's A Gangster. She'll Keep You Straight.

U-Turn, Why Don't You And I Have A Little Walk And Talk?

You Can't Come To My House. You're Not Welcome Here.

Aw, Come On, Girl, We Tight, You And Me.

I'm Not f*cking Kidding.

Save It.

I Was Just Dropping Off Some Bricks For Your Boy.

Oh, And I Left You A Package In The Garage.

I Need You To Hold Onto It For A Spell, That's All.

Things Are Starting To Heat Up Over The Hill.

You Bought A Prius?

I Bought Seven Of Them.

I Got My Whole Crew Driving Them.

They're Real Quiet.

Good For Sneaking Up On m*therf*ckers.

Ah, Check This Out.

Hands-Free.

What Up, Doe?

Woman: Where You At, U-Turn? You Late.

Your Bitch Ass Gonna Have To Wait.

I Got Business Going On. f*ck You.

See The sh*t I'm Surrounded By?

That's Why I Need More b*tches Like You, Nancy.

Oh.

And You Could Use This.

Watch It Tonight.

Heroin.