03x12 - Mike's Appendix

[bunniefuu]

♪ Boy, the way
Glenn Miller played ♪

♪ Songs that made
The Hit Parade ♪

♪ Guys like us
We had it made ♪

♪ Those were the days ♪

♪ And you knew
Where you were then ♪

♪ Girls were girls
And men were men ♪

♪ Mister, we could use a man
Like Herbert Hoover again ♪

♪ Didn't need
No welfare state ♪

♪ Everybody pulled
His weight ♪

♪ Gee, our old LaSalle
Ran great ♪

♪ Those were the days ♪

Oh.

[LAUGHS]

Oh, that's so funny, Bertha.

I'll have to remember
to tell that one to Archie.

He always likes jokes
that end up funnier

than when they start out.

No, I had nothing
special to say.

It's just it's so lonely
around here

since Gloria started working.

If it wasn't for the TV
in the afternoon,

there'd be nobody
to talk to at all.

Oh, I hear him coming.
I got to hang up, Bertha. Yeah.

Bye.

Oh, hello, Archie.

How was your day?

Lousy, Edith, lousy.

The world out there
is full of nuts and fruitcakes,

and sometimes I think
I'm gonna go the same way.

Oh, no.
Oh, be prepared, Edith.

If I got to ride
them subways

another two years,

you're gonna
have to check me

into a rubber room.

Oh, ain't that funny? Bertha--
I was coming home--

I'm talking, Edith.

I'm coming home tonight
and it's sardine time again.

Here's a guy pressed
up against me so close,

his buttons are making permanent
dents in my flesh, see?

So there we are.

We're riding nose to nose,

and he starts
talking to his daughter.

Well, what's the matter
with that?

She wasn't there, Edith.

Then on top of that,

the bum behind me
had beans for lunch.

How did you know that?

I could tell
by the way he smiled at me.

Oh.

Why ain't supper
on the table here, huh?

Well, can you wait
a little while?

Gloria ain't home
from work yet.

Aw, jeez,
there's another one

that lost
her nuts and bolts.

It's bad enough
she's married to the meathead.

Now she's got to go working
his way through school.

Edith, where's the aspirin?
I have a head coming on.

It's upstairs.

Why is it always upstairs
when I'm downstairs

and downstairs
when I'm upstairs?

Can't you never organize
nothing, Edith, huh?

Oh, well,
I'll get it.

No, no, no, don't bother.
I'll get the aspirin.

Get supper
on the table, huh?

Jeez, one of these days
I'm gonna come home from work

and I'm gonna reach out
my two hands

to get the things
that I need and I want

and I'm gonna find them...

Oh, hello,
Gloria.

How was your day
at work?

Lousy, Ma.

I'm telling you,

it's a city full
of weirdos out there.

To begin with,

it was sales day
at the store.

Do you have any idea

what % off does
to nice, normal women?

It turns them
into raving lunatics.

Did you ever see
a size fatso

trying to zip herself
into a size ?

No, but I remember--

Ma! I'm talking, Ma.

Now, if that wasn't bad enough,

coming home on the bus
I felt like a sardine in a can.

And lucky me,

I got to be standing
right next to a groper.

He made me feel like
a fresh loaf of Wonder Bread.

Oh, my.
I tell you,

the only good thing
about getting on a bus nowadays

is knowing
that you're getting off again.

Hold it, hold it there,
little girl.

I could hear
them complaints

all the way up
in the toilet.

Listen, you ain't been working
long enough to know,

but when you come home
at the end of the day,

you're supposed to leave
your troubles outside the door.

You come in with
a cheerful word and a smile.

Don't be bringing
your burdens in here

and dumping them on your mother.

Will you get supper
on the table?

Mike ain't home yet.

Oh, good.

Maybe we'll get a chance

to look at the food now
before it disappears.

In the meantime, can you
bring me a beer over here?

Oh, sure, Archie.

Ma, why isn't
Michael home yet?

Did he say
he'd be late?

No, I don't think so.

He better not be late,
because after supper,

he's got to help me move
that refrigerator out there.

I got to fix a pipe
that's leaking behind it.

GLORIA:
Hi, Michael.

Hi.

How was your day?

Lousy.

Ah!

What's the matter?

Ah! No, nothing.

It's just a little
bit of a twinge.

It's your side
again, isn't it?

It's that dumb appendix.

Yeah. That's why I'm late.

I've just been to see
Dr. Nelson about it.

Oh, hi, Mike.

Here's your beer, Archie.

Leave it
there, Edith.

Michael, I told you
months ago

you should have that
taken care of.

Well, Gloria, Dr. Nelson said

it's just a typical
grumbling appendix.

There's no emergency.

Yeah, but it could
flare up at any time.

But he said I could
have it out whenever I'm ready.

Michael, I think
you're ready.

Yeah. I just don't like
the idea of being cut.

Oh, nowadays,
taking out your appendix

is a simple,
routine operation.

Oh, maybe not.

Them doctors open him up,

they might find themselves

rooting around
in a bottomless pit.

What is it with you?

Don't you take anything serious?

Don't you see they want
to cut out my appendix?

Ah, face up to it
like a man, will you?

Jeez, I had
an operation.

Nobody heard me
hollering around.

Right, Edith?

Oh, no, no, Archie.

You fainted.

Who asked you?

I don't need
an operation.

I mean, I can continue
with the ice pack.

Why rush into
these things?

But, Michael, if it's gotta go,
it's gotta go.

Why hang on to something
that's useless?

That's what I've been asking you
ever since you married him.

Maybe the appendix
ain't useless.

Maybe God put it there
for doctors to practice up on

for more serious operations.

You're a pip,
you know that?

Well, nobody's going
to practice up on me.

I mean, when I decide
to have this operation,

I'm gonna
have the best.

Dr. Nelson recommended
the best surgeon he knew.

He called Dr. McKenzie.

Well, you know who I
think we should call?

Who?

Chicken Delight, Edith,

because we ain't gonna get
no supper out of you.

I'll help you, Ma.

Michael, I think you should have

that appendix
taken care of right away.

Gloria, I'm not ready yet.

Besides, where's the money
coming from to pay for it?

Our savings account.

Oh, no, no, no.
That's your money.

That's not mine.

Michael, that's our money.

We each contribute
in our own way.

That's right.

You contribute deposits.
He contributes withdrawals.

Daddy, our marriage
is an equal partnership.

We share everything.

Well, tell your equal partner

he's gonna share some work
with me tonight after supper.

Gonna move that refrigerator.

Michael,
don't you move anything,

not the way
you're feeling tonight.

Don't be getting him
out of work, will you?

He gets out of enough
work himself.

All right, Arch.

You want to move
the refrigerator?

Come on.
We'll do it now.

Ah!

Ah, ah,
no, no, no.

Ah, jeez,
what's this supposed to be now?

It's a pain.

I got a-- I got a sharp
pain right here.

You're giving me a dull pain
right there.

Ah, leave me alone,
will you, Arch?

Gloria!

Yeah?

Will you get me
an ice pack, please?

Oh, is it worse?
Yeah, it's worse.

Oh, gee, maybe I'll have to have
that operation after all.

I don't know how
we're gonna pay for it.

Soup's on!

Good. It's about time, too.

Jeez, we're all starving
over here.

What kind of soup you got,
Edith?

Oh, we're not
having soup, Archie.

Well, what the hell
are you yelling "Soup's on" for?

It's just an expression.

It means dinner's ready.

Well, why can't you just say,
"Dinner's ready"?

All right.
Dinner's ready!

Ah, no.
Not now.

Here you are, Michael.
Here's your ice pack.

You'd better
take off your pants.

Hold it! Hold it!

No pants off in the living room.
MICHAEL: Why not?

Mixed company here.

Mixed company?

Your mother don't want to see
him standing in his drawers.

Arch, it's for
my side.

Yeah, your side, your side.

It's for your lower side,

which ain't supposed to be seen
except behind bedroom doors.

Now get upstairs.

Daddy, Michael can't walk
upstairs with this pain.

Oh, boy, you know
something, Daddy?

You're really a prude.

I'm a prude?

How would you like it
if I dropped my pants

every time I wanted
to put an ice pack

up against my private parts?

Archie, I ain't never
seen you do that.

That is because
I never do that, Edith.

Oh.

All done. You can
look now, Daddy.

Who the hell
wants to look at that?

Mike, here's some water,

and I'll bring your plate.

You don't have
to sit up at the table.

Oh, that's
all right, Ma.

I don't feel like
eating, anyway.

Hold it, hold it.

What's this I hear?
He don't feel like eating?

You're gonna have me
believing he's really sick.

What is it with you, Meathead?
You really feel bad?

Yeah, that's what
I've been trying to tell you.

I feel terrible.

Oh.

Oh, jeez.

Well...

I better eat.

Michael, I think

you should have
that operation soon.

Gloria, do you know

how much Dr. McKenzie
charges?

dollars.

dollars?

For one appendix?

Certainly. All them surgeons,
they're highway robbers.

Why do you think they wear masks
when they operate?

GLORIA:
Wait a minute.

Wait a minute.

Why don't we ask Audrey Stern
to do the operation?

Audrey Stern?

Remember?
She worked with us

on the Youth Vote
Registration campaign.

Dr. Audrey Stern?

Oh, yeah.

She did Mary Goodwin's appendix
for only dollars.

Why don't I call her tonight?

Well, I-- I don't know, Gloria.

I mean, Dr. Nelson already
has me set up with Dr. McKenzie.

It doesn't sound ethical.

It sounds cheaper.

It sounds stupid.

What do you mean, stupid?

I mean, little girl,

that I wouldn't let
no doctor

by the name of Audrey
fool around with me.

You take my advice
there, Meathead.

You stick to a man.

You get yourself
an older guy

with experience,
like McKenzie.

Daddy, how do you know
how old Dr. McKenzie is?

You never even
heard of him

till five minutes ago.

Well, I know Dr. Nelson.

I know he wouldn't
recommend nobody

who didn't have savvy.

So you're saying
you'd rather be operated on

by a doddery old man
than an efficient young woman?

That is right, little girl,

because a woman doctor's
only good for women's problems,

like your "groinecology" there.

For a man's problems,
you need a man doctor

who knows his way around
in there.

Nobody wants some nervous dame
foostering around there.

I mean, she'd cut
the wrong string

and the poor guy's keister
would fall off.

Daddy!

What about you?
What kind of a wife are you?

Ain't you got no concern
for your husband?

He don't want
to be operated on by no woman.

All right, Daddy,
that's enough out of you.

Michael, what do you think?

Should we call
Audrey Stern?

I don't know, Gloria.
I was just thinking, uh,

I don't know if I like the idea
of a friend operating on me.

Friend? You only met her
a couple times

at the committee meetings.

Michael, she hardly rates
as your best buddy.

Yeah, but even so, she knows me.

It's an emotional thing.

Michael, Audrey Stern
is a fully qualified surgeon,

and she's less expensive.

Gloria, it's not the money.

Well, what is it,
then, Michael?

Are you saying that
a woman's reflexes

are slower than a man's?
Of course not.

Or her hands aren't as steady?
No.

Well, then it must be that men
are smarter than women.

Is that it?

Bull's-eye, little girl.

Bull, period, Daddy.

You hear the lip on
your daughter there?

Mm-hmm.

Well, Michael?

Is that it? Are men
smarter than women?

Gloria, I didn't
say that.

Yeah, but
you meant it.

Admit it, Michael.
You're as bad as Daddy.

You're prejudiced
against a woman surgeon.

Gloria, this is my appendix.

It's my operation,
so I want to pick my doctor!

And pay him with my money.

Oh, now it's your money.

A minute ago, it was our money.

All right, Michael, our money,

but that means at least
I have a say in how we spend it.

Yes! When it's your appendix,
you'll have a say.

Oh, listen,
Michael, this is--

No, you listen--

Aah!

Michael,
what's the matter?!

That's it.
It's flaring up.

Call the doctor.
Call the doctor.

Ma, call the doctor.

Right away!

Which one?

Give me that telephone,
will you?

I'll do that.

You don't know how to make
no emergency call.

Listen, hey, Gloria.

Cover up the meathead
over there.

I'll make the phone call here,

and Edith, you--

Get some ketchup
on the table.

Oh, I think I'm running
a temperature.

EDITH: I'll get
the thermometer.

Yeah, I'm burning up.

I'll get you a cool cloth,
Michael.

ARCHIE: Yeah, well,
when are you gonna hear

from Dr. McKenzie?
Dr. McKenzie? Daddy!

Shush, will you?
I'm on the line here.

Excuse me.

Yeah? Yeah, well, all right.

Well, when he comes in,
have him call us, will you?

As quick as possibly.

Yeah, thank you very much.

Daddy, why did you go
and call Dr. McKenzie?

You knew I wanted
Dr. Audrey Stern.

How could you do that?

Arch? What did
Dr. McKenzie say?

I didn't talk to him.

Don't worry.
They're trying to find him.

He's gonna call us
as soon as he comes in.

Thanks, Arch.

Thanks?

Michael, you knew
I didn't want Dr. McKenzie.

I mean, we hadn't
decided, had we?

Well...

I mean, you know
Audrey Stern

and you like her,
right?

Right.

And she's
a good surgeon?

Right.
So?

So I'm glad Archie called
Dr. McKenzie.

Daddy, this is
all your fault.

Listen, little girl,
one of the facts of life

is that doctors
are supposed to be men.

Men invented medicine,
didn't they?

Men made up
your Hypocritical Oath there.

Women, if they want to be
something, let them be nurses.

That's a ridiculous
argument, Daddy.

Michael,
here's your thermometer.

Oh, thanks, Ma.

Can I get you some more ice
for your side?

No, this is fine, Ma.

Michael, we could get
Audrey Stern here in a flash

and save ourselves $
at the same time,

but no, you won't
trust a woman.

[MUMBLING] Gloria,
that's not the point.

I just want a good doctor!

He's absolutely right.

McKenzie costs more

because the best
always cost more.

That's how you tell
what's good in America.

It costs more.

Sometimes Marcus Welby
don't charge nothing at all.

And you can't get
better than him.

Maybe we ought
to turn on the TV, Edith,

and Welby will jump
out of the set and help us.

Daddy, McKenzie gets
more than Audrey Stern

because women are
always underpaid.

Look at Ma!

What are you dragging
her into it for?

She don't work.

Oh, no? What do you call
housework, a vacation?

Well, it ain't work.

You never see nobody
paying for it.

No, you sure don't see
Ma paid for it.

No, I sure don't see me
being paid for it.

Will you stifle
yourself over there?

Well, housework
is an important job, Archie.

It's just as important
as your job.

That is a whole lot of baloney
there, Edith.

The man is the breadwinner

and you women
have your bread won for you.

That's the way it is
all over the world.

You're wrong, Arch.
There are plenty of tribes

where the men sit at home
and the women go out to work.

Where, where, where?

Well, there's a tribe
in New Guinea...

Don't be bringing
the I-talians into it.

God made women to stay at home.

How do you know that, Archie?

Because it's in the Bible,
Edith. Look it up, huh?

All them old Bible guys,

they was always out there
hunting and fishing.

The women stayed home
and had babies,

which they called
in them days "begotten,"

for religious reasons.

And in between
all the begotten,

the women was sweeping
up the tents,

they was milking
the cows,

polishing up
all the idols...

.

As many as they had.

No, that's my temperature.

Yeah, I don't feel good at all.

Oh.

GLORIA: Michael,
what's the matter?

Oh, I don't feel good.
Can I help?

I'm sick.
Get out of the way!

What is it? Michael!

Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah!

Now, this is awful.

I better pack a bag
for the hospital for him,

just in case.

What did Dr. McKenzie say?

I didn't talk to him, Edith.

They're trying to find the man.

He could be on any golf course
in town.

Well, maybe we should've called
Dr. Stern.

She would've been here now.

She's in the neighborhood.

So is Thomas Eddy, the butcher,

but I wouldn't call him
for an operation.

Ma? Michael threw up.
He's really sick.

I can't wait for
Dr. McKenzie to call.

I'm gonna call
Audrey Stern right now.

[TELEPHONE RINGS]

No!

Hello?

Yes. This is
Mrs. Stivic.

Oh, my husband is really sick.

He has a temperature now of
and he just--

The receiving room
in a half an hour.

Yes, we'll have him there.
Thank you very much.

Was that Dr. McKenzie?

No, that was his nurse.

She said to get Michael
to the hospital right away.

I'll pack
the bag right now.

McKenzie's gonna
meet us there.

I don't know how
we're gonna pay him.

Have you thought
about that?

Yeah, I thought
about that.

You ain't gonna pay him.
What?

I am.

But Daddy,
you can't do that.

Now, don't be telling me
what I can't do, little girl.

But, Daddy, it's such
a lot of money.

Yeah, I know
it's a lot of money.

All right, youse pay me back
whenever you can.

I'll put it on
the meathead's tab.

Daddy, that's
so sweet of you.

Don't be slobbering me
like your mother, now.

That's from Michael too.

Now, wait a minute,
wait a minute.

Wait a minute.
Come here.

Now, don't tell Michael nothing
about my paying for that.

I don't want him
to know nothing about it.

But, Daddy,
Michael should know.

I mean, you're doing
such a nice thing for him.

Well, after all, you know,
he's, uh...

the only meathead you got,
right?

Daddy, sometimes
I could just--

And then sometimes you're--

Thank you, Daddy.

All right, let me make
a phone call for a cab.

MICHAEL: Oh, boy.

Michael, are you feeling
a little bit better now?

Yeah, a little bit better.
The ice pack is helping.

Oh, good, because
we're gonna take you

to the hospital,
right away.

Huh?

Just come on. Sit down
right over here.

Ma's getting your bag.

Here it is,
all packed.

Well, I don't know
about going to the hospital.

I mean, I feel better now.

Oh, it's just like
going to the dentist.

When you know
you're going,

your tooth always
stops aching.

Yeah. I wish
this were a tooth.

Oh, no, Mike.

It would be much more serious
if there was a tooth down there.

What was that, Ma?

Well, you would have
to have swallowed it

like a cherry pit,

and it would've got
stuck in your appendix.

Stop, Ma.

When Mrs. Wiedermeyer
had her appendix out,

the doctor said it was
an apple seed stuck in there.

Stop, Ma.

And, um, it... It puffed out
like a big balloon,

and the doctor got to it
just before it blew up.

I think I'm sick again.

All right, we're all set.

I called a cab.
It'll be over in a few minutes.

Oh, gee, I'm not looking
forward to this at all.

Don't worry, sweetheart.

I'm gonna be
right there with you.

Ma, did you remember
to pack everything?

Uh, his toothbrush
and his razor?

Ah, he won't need no razor
in the hospital.

If there's
any shaving to be done,

they know where to do it.

I think I got everything.

Did you remember his teddy bear?

Stop it, Daddy.

I'm only trying
to cheer him up.

His pajamas.
I forgot his pajamas.

I'll get them--
Aah!

Michael, wait!

Michael, what's
the matter?

The ice pack
slipped!

Is he all
right, doctor?

Yes, he's fine.

He'll be coming around
any minute now.

Any problems with the
operation there, doc?

No, no problems at all.

That appendix came out
like a loose cork.

But you didn't get him here
a minute too soon.

We had to rush him
straight onto the table.

Oh, my.

It's lucky nobody else
was lying on it.

Yeah.

Archie, don't Mike
look well?

First time I ever seen him
his mouth wasn't working.

I can't thank you
enough, Dr. McKenzie.

Uh... Oh, I'm not
Dr. McKenzie.

I'm the anesthetist.

Dr. McKenzie will be here
any minute.

Oh, here she is now.

Are you really
Dr. McKenzie?

Yes.

[GIGGLES]

It's very nice to meet you.
I'm Mrs. Stivic.

How do you do?

What's so funny?

Oh, forgive me
for laughing, doctor,

but my father though
that you were an old man

and I'm glad you're not.

So am I.

Daddy, would you
come over here

for a second, please?

I have to
talk to you.

What?
Come here.

I-- I just want to know
what you think now.

I mean, the operation's
a success,

and it was done
by a woman doctor,

and Michael's
keister's still on.

Look at him eating over here.

Got his appendix out,

so now he's got more room
down there.

You're not going
to get me angry, Arch.

I feel great.
The operation was sensation--

Oh, don't go on

talking about the
operation, will you?

We're sick of it.

Oh, no, I want
to hear about it

so I can remember it.

What do you want
to remember it for?

You writing a book
or something?

No, it's for Sybil Gooley.

She's always telling me
about her operation,

and now I got an operation
to tell her about.

You don't mind if I use yours,
do you, Mike?

No, Ma, just make sure
to tell her

how good Dr. McKenzie was.

Well, hooray
for our side.

One giant step
for womankind.

I wish the womankind
at this table

would take one giant step
into the kitchen

and come back with some ketchup.

No, Ma, you sit
right there

and enjoy
your dinner.

If Daddy wants
the ketchup,

he can get it
for himself.

Who the hell are you...

[ALL ARGUING LOUDLY]

ANNOUNCER:
All in the Family
was recorded on tape

before a live audience.