03x09 - S.O.B.s

[bunniefuu]

Tonight, an Arrested Development
you can't miss.

A cavalcade of stars.

The shocking final moments
will be presented live.

And one of these people...

will die.

- The Bluths were desperate.
- I assume you've seen this.

The press had them
all but finished.

- What? What is it?
- This isn't gonna work over the phone, Dad.

Then get Bob Loblaw to hire me
another surrogate.

That's kind of the point.
Mr. Loblaw no longer works for us...

because someone wanted a boyfriend.

- Well, don't blame me.
- I was talking to Lindsay, actually.

But he was clearly turned off
to the both of you.

Now, we're gonna need a new lawyer. And that
is going to mean about a $100,000 retainer.

If we want a chance of keeping this family
going past the next few weeks...

we're gonna have to pull out
all the stops.

What am I talking about?
I'm talking about all of you getting jobs.

The best place to look for a job...

Who threw the tomato?

How the hell are we gonna
get a hundred grand?

I know this isn't exactly
what you're looking for...

but Maeby was just accepted
into private school.

- I've sent the check in already.
- No, that's not what I'm lookin' for at all.

Michael, it's the most
prestigious private school in town.

Oh, no. Not the Milford Academy.

Children were neither to be seen nor heard...

at the school Buster had attended.

It's the exact opposite.
It's called "Openings."

Oh, great. That sounds like another one
of those gradeless, structureless...

New Age "feel-gooderies."

They teach self-expression and getting
in touch with feelings, Michael.

- I mean, I know you don't have any.
- The boy who couldn't cry.

He's a robot!

Oh, Michael can cry.
He just doesn't wanna rust.

Yes, he's like the Steel Man
from The Wizard of Oz.

- Tin Man?
- Is that what he's called?

- He knows. - Since you sent the check,
this is how you're gonna pay for it.

You're gonna be in charge of the house.
Cooking, cleaning, all of it.

You're going to put Lindsay in charge
of the cooking? At least you'll lose weight.

You know, Mom, I think the only time you ever
cooked for us was the morning Rosa's mom d*ed.

You gave us cereal in an ashtray.

Gob, pal? How about you?
Can you find some work?

Oh, sure, Michael.

As what? A waiter?

Can I get you something, madam?

- I will have a vodka, though.
- What? Oh.

If you'd ever accidentally worked a day in your life,
you'd know there's no indignity in it.

Great. She'll have a vodka.

Instead of selling out,
becoming housewives and waiters...

why don't we have a big event?

Some sort of ?Save Our Bluths" type thing.

We'll throw a legal defense fund dinner.
Ask for donations.

As long as we don't look desperate.

We want 'em to think we'll take their help,
but don't need it.

I should be seen a lot at the club.

Yeah, our backs are against the wall,
and it's just hard to accept...

that it's really come to begging.

Sometimes it's the only way to stay in the game.

Please tell your friends about this show.

Michael had asked Lindsay
to take care of the house.

- And to his surprise, she was sort of doing it.
- You're sort of doing it.

Yeah, check it out. I found that
canned ham that we'd had forever...

and I put it in a pot of boiling water.

- And guess what I'm calling it?
- Soup?

Hot ham water. You know,
I'm actually a really good mom.

I think it's 'cause
Maeby's never around.

You should send George Michael
to Openings too.

Yes, it could help him
express his feelings.

My son expresses himself just fine.

- Isn't that right, Son?
- What? Yeah, it's fine.

Yeah, I guess.
I don't care. Stop.

Yes. He's a regular
Freddy Wilson, that one.

- I don't know that reference.
- No, I don't either.

Oh, I don't know either.

- It's this guy.
- My son's fine where he is.

He's got the S.A.T.'s coming up.
You gotta do well. You studying?

Yeah, I'm taking a three real quick
so I can get a cream soda.

- Oh, I'll get that for you.
- No, I will get it. I have to get it myself.

Just relax.

Just check the stove real quick.

You know, Michael, if I may
take off my acting pants for a moment...

and pull my "analrapist" stocking
over my head...

George Michael has been
acting strange lately.

He may have developed
what we in the soft sciences...

refer to as obsessive-compulsive disorder...

- or the OC Disorder.
- Don't call it that.

I think ultimately it's because
he's afraid to express himself.

Actually, he was afraid his Aunt Lindsay
was going to burn the house down.

Hi. How are you?

Cream soda.

Maybe he does need this school.
Did you see this letter?

You know, it's done wonders for Maeby.

- "Maeby is an exceptional young lady."
- Exceptional.

"We are sure that she is
destined for great things."

- Great things.
- "And we wish her luck in all her"...

It says "over." I'd probably have
to cr*ck this open to be sure...

but this sounds like
an expulsion letter.

"She's never been to class."

What boarding school would
lose track of its students?

- Openings is not a boarding school.
- I thought it was a boarding school.

Actually, Maeby had been on
the set of a film called Snowboarding School 2...

in her secret life
as a film executive.

There goes that nonrefundable tuition.

It is the one rule they do have there.

She should be punished for this.

Tobias, if I can become a more traditional mother,
then maybe you could start being more of...

Nontraditional mother.
Yes, you're right.

After all, I am her father.

The cars are still off,
and I rewashed all the clothes.

And that's when Michael decided...

that perhaps Maeby's tuition
didn't have to go to waste after all.

Meanwhile, Lucille went to work...

- soliciting for the Bluth fund-raiser.
- We have plenty of money.

Don't get me wrong. But we can't use
our personal assets to defend the company.

Just then,
Gob arrived and decided to have a laugh.

Your drink, madam.

- Can I get you anything...
- Get that one out of here.

As you please.

But Lucille had never
made eye contact with a waiter.

- Can you drop these off at two?
- Why not?

I'm just a waiter.

- So he kept it up.
- We're all out of the halibut.

The joke was over,
but the lunch rush was just beginning.

- Hey, new guy. You wanna seat table four?
- Oh, yeah.

Back at the penthouse,
however, lunch was long overdue.

I don't suppose she left
anything for me to eat.

No, just a soup and a half sandwich
and a whole sandwich for me.

- Ah.
- Hello. Hey.

So what's going on
with the fund-raiser?

Well, uh, I don't think the Home Builder's
Organization is gonna be supporting us.

Yeah, the HBO is not gonna want us.
What do we do now?

Well, I think it's showtime. I think
we have to have a show during dinner.

Hey, we could have some celebrities in.

You know, Oscar winners
like, uh, Nicole Kidman.

I don't wanna round up
a bunch of famous people...

that have nothing to do
with our family as some stunt.

- What's that got to do with us?
- Nothing. You're gonna write a speech about me...

so they can see how wonderful I am.

I think we got a better
chance at Nicole Kidman.

- Oh? Huh?
- Actually, I may have an in with Andy Richter.

Well, do you think you can get him?
I'm kidding. Of course not him.

His brother does teach
George Michael at Openings.

George Michael is going to
that New Age feel-gooderie?

I don't think that's a good idea.
They're gonna poison him against you.

Remember what happened
when we sent Lindsay to that kind of school?

All of a sudden I was
the-the bad guy to her.

And you don't respect Mom,
and you don't respect women.

- Are you married?
- Damn school.

I said to the teacher...
I said, "You poison her, I'll poison you."

George Sr. did more than just say it.

He sent the man a basket
of poison muffins.

Do you know the Muffin Man?
There's a reward if you do.

Then, would you like some foam
in your coffee?

It's called a "cuppuccino,"
and wait till you see what it costs.

You can say what you want
about the Milford Academy.

The kids who came out of there,
prepared for life.

Does anyone know how
to eat one of these?

You know, George Michael's
gonna be fine, okay?

I just want him to know how to express himself.

He was actually
having trouble expressing himself.

Why don't you tell the group
about yourself?

My name is George Michael Bluth.

I am a 16-year-old Caucasian male.

My mom d*ed.

And I-I guess that's it.

Hardly. See, if it were me, I would say...

"I'm Donnie Richter. I have a brother named Andy.
He's an attention hog.

He can't seem to really attract a real audience,
but I love the fat SOB anyway."

I thought you looked like Andy Richter.
You guys are identical twins?

Identical quintuplets, actually.

There was Andy the show-off,
Donnie the sensitive one...

Chareth the flirt,
Rocky the risk-taker and Andy's stunt double...

and Emmett who asked that
we not show his picture...

although composite photography tells us
he'd look something like this.

Here's what I want you to do.
I want you to go home tonight...

and write something about
how you really feel.

Something critical. Bring it in tomorrow
and read it for the group.

- Um, will this go toward my grade?
- Oh, we don't have grades here.

A student either learns and gets an "L,"
or they fluctuate in their learning.

- And what do we get for that?
- An "F."

- Maeby, meanwhile...

- was about to have a learning experience.
- Well.

I understand you've been having trouble
with that expensive boarding school.

That's right. I can read.

Okay, first of all,
Variety got it wrong, all right?

We didn't want this project.
It was a co-finance with Miramax.

Poof, Miramax is gone.
We're still on the hook.

It turns out Jamie Kennedy
can't even snowboard.

All right, I'll listen to this later.

Don't tell me where you've been.
It'll just make me worry more. But guess what.

There's a new daddy in town.

A discipline daddy.

Oh, it's, uh... It's a parenting tape.

If you wanna skip school, that's fine.
You'll just come to work with me.

But you don't have a job.

All right. Here.
Tell you what we're gonna do.

We are going to stuff each one
of these gift bags with...

a head sh*t, some glitter
and a decorative hand soap.

And we're gonna send 'em to
every casting director in town.

- And don't forget the funny notes.
- "I know where you live. Ha, ha"?

- Casting directors hate this.
- They really do.

The glitter queen struck again.

Never hire Tobias F?nke.

And back at the country club,
something unusual had happened.

Oh, I don't have any dr*gs for sale. Unless,
did you expect me to follow you to your car?

- They're your tips.
- Tips.

And Gob realized
he'd accidentally worked a day in his life.

Lindsay, meanwhile,
was being a mother...

- when someone showed up who needed one.
- Hey, sister.

- How'd you get here?
- I walked.

I tried hitchhiking,
but it's hard to do without a thumb.

- I'm so hungry.
- Would you like to try some of this?

Mmm.

So watery, and yet there's
a smack of ham to it.

It's hot ham water.

- Yeah. - Upstairs, George Michael
was struggling with his assignment.

- Can you think of anything critical
to say about my dad? - Are you serious?

I have glitter in my lungs from
making goody bags for casting directors.

And he's given me a hundred more
to do for homework.

It's, like, "I don't do my homework.
George Michael does my homework."

And that's when he decided
it was time to cheat off of her.

It might help if
you expressed yourself.

It also gave him an opportunity
to smell her neck.

And the next day,
Michael drove to Openings...

in the hopes of recruiting
Donnie's brother for the fund-raiser...

when he noticed his son
expressing himself rather well.

He pretends he's the great father all of a sudden
and acts like he's all worried about me.

But it turns out he just does it
so I can help him with his joke of a career.

No wonder Mom
wanted out so bad.

- Oh, my God.
- Oh, my God.

Gob, meanwhile, was several days
in to being an accidental waiter.

And he discovered that
a little flirting helped bring in the tips.

If you didn't have adult-onset diabetes,
I wouldn't mind giving you a little sugar.

Oh, Gob. You could charm
the black off a telegram boy.

Okay, we'll just tell you now.
She's the one who dies.

His name is Andy something.

I think he's Ed McMahon's kid.
A song and dance man.

Lucille, meanwhile,
was there soliciting for the fund-raiser...

Lucille, meanwhile,
was there soliciting for the fund-raiser...

- but still hadn't noticed him.
- We'll have the lobster tail.

- Until this happened.
- And maybe later you can...

save a little piece of tail for me.

Come on!

I hope that isn't the sort of humor
Andy McMahon will be doing.

Lobster, Mom?

- And Michael went to confront Donnie.
- Hey!

Nice haircut and thanks
for turning my son against me.

Oh, oh. No, no. I-I'm Andy.

Oh. Sorry.

Oh, hey. How would you feel about
coming to a fund-raiser at our house?

- How much does it pay?
- It's just a free dinner, but...

- I'll be there.
- Great.

- I'll be in the cafeteria.
- Oh, he's such a pig.

You should know about
bad-mouthing family members.

I heard what you had
my son say out there.

He chose what to say.

- Maybe we should include him in this.
- No need.

You're the one that poisoned him against me.
How would you like that done to you?

Are you threatening to poison me?

I'm just expressing myself, man.

- What did I tell you?
- How dare that Donnie Richter.

Yeah, you gotta take care
of that guy, or I will.

- Yeah, yeah. Let me.
- This is not your business. No.

I'm just gonna pull him
out of that school.

You're damn right, you are.
We can't have this happen. Not now.

This family has got to stick together.

I don't want Gob coming to this dinner.

- Good idea.
- Guess where he's been getting his money.

Is he following people
to their cars again?

He's a waiter!

- He is? Well, that's great.
- No, it's not great.

Am I the only one that
thinks this family...

is finally starting to become
sympathetic and relatable?

That's what people wanna see, you know.
Lindsay's taking care of the house.

Oh, I forgot about that.

Tell the "housewife"
she's not coming either.

If you don't want her, you don't want me either.
She's taking care of me.

She glued my thumb back on.

Sister's my new mother, Mother.
And is it just me, or is she looking hotter too?

- Why don't you marry her?
- Maybe I will!

We're veering away
from relatability again.

Meanwhile, Maeby was
getting tired of being with her father.

Now what we do is we paint our lips
Joan Crawford red...

pop on a little blue eyeliner and then
plant a lipstick kiss on every one of 'em.

- Why the blue eyeliner? - Well, she felt
that her eyes were too close together.

Hello? Uh, yeah, uh...

It's a casting director.
Yes, he is available.

Uh, let me put my, uh...
our, uh, assistant on the phone with you.

Thank you, yes. I better get changed.

Thanks, Deb. Yeah.

So, he's t*rture Victim
Number Four, right?

No, that's great.
Yeah, he's really into discipline.

And George Michael
was about to get some discipline too.

You are no longer
going to that school.

I don't wanna get into a big discussion about it.
It's just not right for you.

Is this because I cheated off Maeby?
I've never done that before. I swear.

I couldn't think of anything about you,
so I asked her to write it about her dad.

- You cheated?
- Yeah, it was stupid of me.

Now Donnie's met you. He's never gonna
believe you were up for a part in Wicked.

You do what you have to. You think I want to give
that speech about Dad at the fund-raiser?

Sometimes you say you hate your dad to get
a good grade or you like him to make some money.

Sounds like you're doing a great job there.
We're keeping you in.

- No...
- I don't wanna have a whole discussion about it.

Donnie. Well, I guess
I owe you an apology.

No.

- It's Andy again, isn't it?
- Rocky. Andy's the pig.

- Well, you're not exactly...
- I'm his stunt double.

You think I like this?
I disgust myself.

Let go of my dad.
You're gonna hurt him.

Oh, no. I'm only making it look like that.
He's totally in charge of the situation.

So what is the problem?

Somebody sent my brother Donnie
a basket of poison muffins.

It could've been the Muffin Man.
They never caught him.

- How do you know about that?
- I saw it on Why We Were Scared of the '70s.

And what ever happened to the Muffin Man?
Remember him?

I always pictured a giant six-foot muffin...

trying to eat me while I was eatin' him.

It's kind of a fantasy
I go to a lot now.

And he says you threatened to poison him.

I was upset.

I'd just heard that my son thought I was
a horrible father. But, no, I didn't poison him.

Well, if I find out you did...

Oh, uh, Andy wants to know,
at this dinner...

- you want him to sing or anything?
- A song would be fantastic.

You saw? I thought you didn't know
what I said about you.

Well, that wasn't exactly the truth.

But don't worry. I know you don't
have anything bad to say about me.

No. You know what? I think Donnie was right.
I just wasn't digging deep enough.

I think I might've meant what I said.
You never listen to me.

You didn't ask me if I wanted to go to this school.
You didn't ask about what I said.

You threatened my teacher.
You don't respect me.

How can I respect you, man?

It was a complex situation...

without an easy solution.

- Hello?
- The caterers didn't show up. I used the club.

They said we owe them too much money.
I guess all those lunches.

I've got 50 people coming in three hours
and nothing to feed them, no one to serve it.

We have to make a good impression,
or we're finished.

Now that's a clear-cut situation
with the promise of comedy.

Tell your friends.

The Save Our Bluths party
was starting to heat up.

But the same could not be said
for Lindsay's chicken.

What is going on?
They're getting restless.

I can't offer to!@%$ them
in front of their husbands.

This is what you're making?
Poached salmonella?

It'll be fine.
I'll just put the sauce on them.

What kind of sauce is that?

Wait. This is the water
I thawed the chicken in.

Oh. Well, that should go with chicken.

- Yeah.
- Fantastic.

And some powerful players showed up.

George, Bill Kincade
from Fostco Industries.

- Sort of. - Hope you don't mind.
I sent one of those stupid surrogates.

- You got busted too?
- No, I had a prior engagement.

- I'm at the Fire and Ice Ball.
- Coming through. Chicken in chicken sauce.

Thank you very much for showing up.

Maybe you could sing while
they're bringing out dinners.

Uh, I'm not Andy. I'm Emmett.

Uh, I'm not Andy. I'm Emmett.

Andy sent me over to let you know
he's not gonna make it tonight.

Michael was suspicious.
I mean, think about it.

We can't show Emmett
without blurring him.

Yeah, he's singing at
the Fire and Ice Ball tonight.

Andy Richter is singing
at the Fire and Ice Ball?

You know, I should send Andy
a little basket of poison muffins too.

Muffins?

Oh, my God. Dad?
You're the Muffin Man?

You poisoned 25 teachers
during the '70s?

Just the first two.
The others were copycats.

- You poisoned Donnie, didn't you?
- We're losing them. Come on. Come on.

Can I have your attention?
My son would like to say...

just a couple of words about me.

And that's when Michael
noticed his own son.

- You came, huh?
- Yeah, well, it was wrong of me...

to say what I did
about how I felt.

No, you said what you felt, and maybe
it's about time I did the same thing.

So why don't we just let him express himself?
Go ahead, Son.

Um, I was going to say that you don't know
who my father really is.

And-And-And that what has happened to us
is a great injustice...

that we were never really
given a fair chance.

But that's not the truth.

We've been given
plenty of chances.

And maybe, the Bluths
just aren't worth saving.

Maybe we're not that likable. You know?
We're very self-centered.

And my father may be the worst of us.

Me too. You know, I-I seem to...

I thr*aten people who I don't feel support me.

He poisons them.
Anyway, here's my advice to you.

Go and take a goody bag
and get out while you can.

The speech was disturbing, the food inedible...

and the gift bags pretty frightening.

And when Gob realized
he wouldn't get tipped...

Wait. No. No.
Where's everyone going?

The service got a little worse.

No one's leaving until I get my money!
I'll follow you to your cars!

Oh, and then that
old r*cist woman choked on Buster's thumb.

- My thumb! My thumb!
- This lady can't breathe.

All in all, it was one
of the Bluths' better dinner parties.

- Hey, what'd you think of the speech?
- You'd do great at Openings.

You know, pal,
you do not have to go there.

I've been very worried about your behavior.
You're always turning off burners and irons...

and it may be OCD.

OCD? No. I'm just cleaning up after Aunt Lindsay.
She never turns things off.

Wow. Hmm.

Explains why I saw hedge trimmers
zippin' around the driveway.

I did it again, didn't I?
I'm so self-centered.

From now on, I want you to just tell me
what's on your mind, okay?

And I promise, you know,
I won't just hear what I wanna hear, okay?

- I love my cousin.
- I love you, too, pal.

On the next Arrested Development.

The Bluth family gets some good news.

They're all sending in donations.
And you know what the key was?

- What?
- Your speech. It didn't sound desperate.

Well, I-I guess it really doesn't pay
to be desperate.

It sure doesn't.

And cut.

Good job, man.

Let's not celebrate yet.
We've still got the West Coast feed, guys.