03x19 - Hot Watch

[bunniefuu]

♪ Boy, the way
Glenn Miller played ♪

♪ Songs that made
The Hit Parade ♪

♪ Guys like us
We had it made ♪

♪ Those were the days ♪

♪ And you knew
Where you were then ♪

♪ Girls were girls
And men were men ♪

♪ Mister, we could use a man
Like Herbert Hoover again ♪

♪ Didn't need
No welfare state ♪

♪ Everybody pulled
His weight ♪

♪ Gee, our old LaSalle
Ran great ♪

♪ Those were the days ♪

Mm, Ma, that smells good.
What are you making?

Beef stroganoff.

Beef stroganoff
for Archie?

Ma, you know he says

anything but meat
and potatoes makes him sick.

Well, I'll just tell him
it's Yankee stew.

See, Archie don't
get sick on food,

just on names.

That figures.

Like, he won't eat
kidney beans

because of the name.

And we never have
rump roast.

Uh, Ma, this has
sour cream in it.

Archie hates sour cream.

Well, he won't know
the difference

once he puts ketchup on it.

GLORIA:
Hello?

Oh, Gloria!

Hey! Boy, am I glad to see you!

Hi!
Hi, honey.

You going to stay
home tonight?

No, I have to be back
at the store at : .

How long is that damn
inventory going to take?

I don't know, Michael.

We're reorganizing
the whole store.

We could be finished tonight,
tomorrow-- I don't know.

Gloria,
it's been two weeks since we...

I know, Michael.

But what can I do?

Try waking me up
when you come home.

Michael,
it's so late

and I'm tired.

Gloria, it's
unhealthy this way.

It's only been two weeks,
Michael.

I mean, what do monks do?

Monks pray a lot.

Try to be
a little understanding, Michael.

Oh, I'm sorry.

We'll be finished
at the store soon.

Yeah.

I'm gonna go upstairs
and change clothes now.

I'll help you.

All right, everybody,
let's get it in here!

Edith, come on, Edith!

Mike and Gloria,
where are you?

Archie, what is it?
What's the matter?

Hurry up, now. Come
on here! Come on!

I'm timing you.

Hey, let's go.

Hold it!

I was just timing
all of you.

See how long it'd take
all of youse

to get in here
and give me the big hello.

The loving spouse made it
in two seconds,

the little girl made it
in three seconds,

and Meathead, as usual,
brung up the rear there

at four and / seconds.

Archie, you got
a beautiful new watch.

Oh, Edith, beautiful
ain't the word.

That there is a genuine
% chromonometer there.

Look at all
those dials.

Look at them, little girl.

Count them.
Seven of them, seven.

Is there anything there
that tells you what time it is?

Ah, jeez, Edith, certainly!

The big hands tell you the time.

But see, that ain't all
this watch tells you, see?

This is what you
call one of them

round-the-world
watches, right?

Over here, I can tell

that it's morning
in China, see that?

Right at this moment,
million Chinks

is sitting down
to breakfast.

Archie,
in the first place,

they are called Chinese.

That's what I said, Chinks.

And other things
this watch can tell you.

Like, for instance,

do you know what shape
the moon is in tonight?

No, but I'll look.

Get back here, Edith!

Get back here.

Let the watch
tell you that.

I can read it right over here,
see?

Tonight, the moon
is in the quarter phase.

See, that's the whole point
of this watch.

With this watch, you never have
to look at the moon again.

Look at that.

It's got
the date on it.

I'll tell you what it's got
on it, little girl.

See there?
It's got the date on it.

It's right here in that--

They call that
the calendar part, see?

[BUZZING]

What's that?

A-ha.

That there is the alarm.

That's for suppertime, see?

And that's the alarm
you're going to hear

every night around this time,
Edith,

to show you that supper
should be on the table.

Well, suppose
I'm in another room,

and I don't hear it?

Then you'll hear the old alarm,
Ma.

"Edith, get supper
on the table!"

Archie, that sounded
just like you.

Oh, really?

Then why don't it
make you move?

Oh!
"Oh!"

I tell you what.
I'm going to time you.

I'll give you five minutes
to get supper on the table.

ARCHIE: Hold it,
hold it, hold it.

Get ready. Get set. Go!

Oh, Daddy.

Why do you make Ma
run like that?

What are you talking
about? She loves this.

Daddy,
you're hopeless.
Ahh!

Arch, where'd you get that watch
anyway?

I got it off of a friend.

See that? What'd I tell you?

She loves it.
She's pretty fast too.

Arch, what friend?

Oh, a guy by the name
of Tommy Macklin.

This here is a -buck
registered Omega.

Daddy, what would
make you buy

an expensive watch
like that?

Because the guy
come up to me,

he said he's got

his mother
in the hospital,

he needed a little
extra cash.

How am I doing, Archie?

ARCHIE: Oh, take it
easy there, Edith.

You better save a little steam
for the home stretch.

Oh, thank you.

Gee, Daddy, that was
really sweet of you

to help a friend
like that.

What did your father do?

He gave a friend
$ for that watch.

Archie, that's a lot of money.

Hold it, Edith.

I didn't pay no $
for the watch.

Well, didn't you say
it was a $ watch?

Yeah, but I didn't say
I paid that much.

Ain't you never heard
of bargains?

The guy gave me
a little off.

Oh, then how much
did it cost, Daddy?

Twenty-five dollars.

That's not a bargain,
that's a steal.

A steal!

That don't sound right to me.

The clock is running on you,
Edith.

Oh.

Your friend Tommy

has a sick mother
in the hospital

and all you gave him
for a watch like that was $ ?

Wait a minute there,
little girl.

I didn't want the watch
in the first place.

The guy comes up to me.
He wants to sell it there.

He asked $ .

What am I supposed to do,
bargain him up?

Dinner's ready!

Hey! I think
you done that

in a little under
five minutes.

Well, that was good,
wasn't it, Archie?

Well, it's time that
could be improved,

you know?

Maybe I'll buy you
a pair of sneakers.

Daddy, how can
you face

your friend Tommy
at work

with you wearing
his watch?

I don't have
to face him at all.

He works way
over Pier .

You mean he works
on the docks?

That's right.

Well, then that explains it.

What does it explain?

Arch, the docks
is New York's famous grab bag.

They unload things there
and they disappear.

Tommy sold you a hot watch.

Get out of here.

Come on, weren't you suspicious?

I mean, why would a guy sell you
a $ watch for bucks?

Listen, wise guy, a guy
comes and offers me a deal,

I don't ask no questions.

I know. I know you don't ask
any questions.

Nobody does, and that's
what's wrong with this country.

Ah, jeez,
he's off on "the country" again!

That's right. That's right.

Nobody's asking questions
anymore.

Let me ask you a question.

MIKE: What?

Why don't you shut up?

You see? That's it.

That's exactly
what I'm talking about.

Nobody cares. Not even Congress.

President Nixon
does whatever he wants

and Congress
lets him get away with it.

They don't ask any questions.

What are you talking about?

Congress can ask Mr. Nixon
anything they want.

Sure, they can,
but it won't do any good.

He never answers anyone.

I don't blame him.

They're all
a bunch of dumbbells.

I go along with my president.

Ask me no questions,
I'll tell you no lies.

So what are you saying?

We shouldn't ask you
any questions

about hot watches?

Will you cut that out?

This ain't no hot watch.

And don't be casting
no dispersions

on the guy that sold me
the watch, Tommy Macklin,

because everybody
who knows Tommy

knows that he's as square
a guy as they come.

I tell you something
about Tommy:

He used to be in jail.

That makes him
a square guy?

Will you let me
finish the story?

It so happens
the man was framed.

How do you know that?

Because he told me that.

Oh, well, then.

Yeah, see how it is
talking to you?

That's you all over.

That's your, what do you
call it, attitude, see?

You're prejudiced
against Tommy Macklin

because you know
he's a white guy.

I don't know anything about him.

I just told you
he was a white guy.

MIKE: So?

That's why you hate him.

What?

You are prejudiced
against white people.

Don't tell me no--

You're crazy!

I ain't crazy!

If I told you that Tommy Macklin
was a black guy,

you'd be crying tears
and saying,

"Oh, give the poor ex-con
a chance."

But you know he's a white guy,
so you're against him.

Well,
I ain't prejudiced that way.

I ain't prejudiced
against no man

just because his skin
is the same color as my own.

Yeah, Archie has
lots of white friends.

You're damn right,
and I'm gonna get more.

I'll tell you why
I really bought this watch.

It's because I wanted
to show Tommy Macklin

that somebody
in this world

had a little
faith in him.

Oh, sure.
How sweet.

Ah, well, I can't
talk to you.

What the hell
am I eating here?

Yankee stew.

Well, the Yankees
struck out.

Pass me the ketchup.

Oh, Daddy, you'd put
ketchup on a donut.

If it needed it.

I'll tell you
something else

about this here
watch, Edith.

This is kind of,
what do you call,

an investment,
you know?

Any time we're
short of cash,

I can run over
to a hock shop,

turn this in and get at
least $ on it, huh?

Wouldn't that be
taking a chance?
Why?

Arch, you said so yourself.
The watch is registered, right?

You take that
down to a hock shop,

that guy checks
the serial number

against a police list
of stolen goods.

If it's hot, they got you.

Look at you, waving that fork
around at the table.

Like I told you a long time ago,

you are a person
of very little quality.

[BUZZING]

What are you
timing now, Daddy?

I ain't timing nothing.

It went on
by itself there.

[BUZZING FADES]

Jeez, I wonder why
it done that.

Listen to that.
It went off by itself.

Hey. Don't tell me there's
something wrong with it.

Let me listen.
Shh. Shush!

I don't hear
nothing at all here.

Aw, now, don't tell me

the watch
is busted already.

Oh, yeah, now we'll never know

when the Chinese
have finished breakfast.

I wonder what
happened to it.

I think I know
what happened to it.

I had the ketchup
up here.

I was pounding it
here on the bottom.

It must have
busted a spring

or turned something
loose in there,

and, Edith,
that's your fault

for not loosening up
that ketchup!

Oh, I'm sorry,
Archie,

but it's supposed
to come out slow.

It's Heinz, the slowest
ketchup in the West.

Ain't that
a shame, now?

I just got the watch.

I hardly start wearing it,

and now I gotta take it in
to be fixed.

You going to take it
to a jeweler?

No, Meathead, I'm going to take
it into a garage for a lube job.

Certainly, I'm going
to take it in to a jeweler.

Aw, Daddy, I wouldn't
do that if I were you,

because if it's stolen,
you're in trouble.

I told you, little girl,
the watch ain't stolen.

Yeah, but what if
the jeweler checks

the serial number
with the police

and it turns out
to be stolen?

Oh, come on, "turns out to be."
Anything could turn out to be.

That's what we're trying
to tell you.

I saw something once
about a watch on Mannix.

ARCHIE:
Yeah, what?

Or was it Let's Make a Deal?

Aw, leave me alone,
will you?

Daddy, if it's stolen,

what are you going
to tell the police?

Well, if it was stolen,
which it ain't,

I would just say
to the cops--

I would say, uh,

"I bought it
off of a guy,

and I don't know
nothing more about it."

What if the cops find out
that that guy is Tommy Macklin,

they put the heat on him

and he says
you know everything about it?

Then they got you
as a receiver of stolen goods.

That's right.

How come everything you cook
gives me heartburn?!

Where's the bicarb of soda?

Oh, I'll get it
for you, Archie.

Oh, jeez, isn't this awful?

Archie, you ain't
really worried

about that watch,
are you?

No, Edith,
only that it's broke.

I mean, you wouldn't
buy a watch

if you knew
it was stolen,

would you?

You know me better than that,
Edith.

I ain't never
heard you talk

about Tommy Macklin
before.

Have you known him
a long time?

Oh, yeah, yeah,
long, long.

How long?

A week.

Edith?

You out there, Edith?

Uh, Gloria, Mike, you upstairs?

Uh, hello, Joe Bropy?

Uh, my name is Archie Bunker.

I'm a friend
of Stretch Cunningham's.

I work with him.

Yeah, yeah, he's a nice guy.

Uh, Joe, uh, Stretch tells me
that you got a cousin

that buys and sells
and fixes jewelry

with no questions asked.

Good. Well,
where can I get ahold of him?

Huh?

Oh, yeah? For how long?

No, no,
I got to get somebody fast.

I can't wait to .

Bye.

[DOORBELL RINGS]

Hi, Mr. Bunker.

Oh, hiya, Lionel,
come on in.

Here's your
cleaning.

Uh, do me a favor
and stick it

in the closet
there, will you?

Is Mrs. Bunker
around?

She usually pays me
on Friday nights.

Oh, no, she's out
somewhere,

but she'll catch up
with you, Lionel.

Okay. See you.

Lionel, as long
as you're here,

there's something
I'd like to ask you.

Yeah?

Yeah, it's something
that I've been

wondering about
for a while.

Uh-huh.

Lionel, uh,
you know them riots

youse people
are always going to?

We people?

I don't mean you
personally,

I mean, you know,
the troublemakers.

Oh, them other people.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Now, when they go
to these here riots,

don't they, uh,
every now and then

break into jewelry stores?

Oh, yeah, yeah.

They don't want
nobody to feel left out.

Yeah. Well...

A guy busts
into a jewelry store there,

and he whips a watch,
see, and then,

in all the excitement
of, uh, running away, uh,

the watch gets damaged.

Like, for instance,

if a cop comes up
and he's got a club,

and he takes a swing
at the guy's head

and by accident
he hits the watch.

You can see
that happening?

Oh, sure, yeah.

That's what gives riots
a bad name.

Look, please, sit down.

Suppose a guy has got
that kind of a watch, see?

It's damaged.

Now, where would he go

to get it fixed, like,
uh, on the q.t.?

Oh, well, I wouldn't know
about them places.

Lionel, I don't mean you.

I thought maybe you had
some friend who might know.

No, my friends don't fool
with small stuff.

They're more into
air conditioners,

TV sets, stereos.

Never a watch?

No, but if you want to put in
a order for the next riot...

Lionel, Lionel,
be serious here, will you?

It so happens
I got a very close friend, see?

And he just got ahold
of this expensive watch.

He got it in a riot?

No, no, no. He's a white guy.

Oh.

He got ahold of this watch,
like, just yesterday,

and now it's broke.

And I want to know, I mean,

where could he get it fixed
off the record?

Why don't he ask the police?

No, no, got to keep
the cops out of this.

Why?

From what I've been reading,
the cops got great connections.

Now, hold it, Lionel, hold it.

I think I know
what you're getting at there.

Now, that ain't exactly fair.

We all know there's
a couple of cops on the take.

You don't want to go blaming
the whole police department

for a couple of rotten apples.

Oh!

So-- So what you're saying is,

don't condemn
a whole group of people

for the actions of a few?

That's right, Lionel.
You gotta remember that.

Oh, I will. I will, Mr. Bunker.

Uh, uh, let me see now.

"Don't condemn a whole
group of people

for the actions
of just a few."

Yeah, you got it, Lionel.
What about the watch?

Oh, hello,
Lionel.

Hi.

I'm glad I caught you,
because I want to pay you.

How much
do I owe you?

Five dollars even.

Oh, here you are,
and thanks.

Oh, Archie, here's the
ticket for your watch.

What?

Your round-the-world watch.

It'll be ready
in a few days.

What did you do with it?

Why, I took it
to Abrams Jewelers.

Why did you do that?

You said
you wanted it fixed.

ARCHIE:
Oh, Edith!

Ain't that a coincidence,
Mr. Bunker?

Your friend broke his watch
the same time you did.

I'll see you around,
huh, Lionel?

Bye, Lionel.

Bye, Mrs. Bunker.

Wait, how did that go
again, Mr. Bunker?

Uh, "don't condemn

"a whole group
of people

for the actions
of a few."

Yeah, you got it.

Yeah, I got it.

"Don't condemn a whole
group of people

for the actions of a few."

"Don't condemn..."

Edith, why did--?

Edith, Edith,
where the hell are you?

EDITH:
In the kitchen!

Where was you two?

Upstairs.

Why didn't you answer
when I called youse?

We didn't hear you.

Edith, Edith,
do you know

what you done to me?

Why did you take
that watch into Abrams'?

Well, I could have
taken it to Nelson's,

but Mrs. Abrams and I
have gotten to be

such good friends.

That ain't the point!

Edith,
Abrams had the watch all day!

He could have opened it up,

seen the serial number there
and called the cops.

They could be on their way
over here right now.

Oh, no, I don't think so.

I don't think he's even looked
at the watch yet.

Why not?

Because I just took it in
minutes ago.

minutes ago?

Yeah.

Oh, Edith,
I love you!

Oh, Archie!

Get away from me!

Mike, Mike!

Yeah?

Where'd you
come from?

Uh, the stork brought me.

Ah, don't be a wise guy!

Get over here!

Get your coat on!
What for?

Get your coat on.
What for?

Get your coat on,
get your coat on.

Get your coat on!

Okay! I'm getting
it on!

What's going on?

Archie said
he loved me!

All right,
what do you want me to do?

I want you to go
down to Abrams Jewelry.

Your mother-in-law
took that watch in by mistake.

I want you to get it back before
he sees the serial number.

Why? You afraid it's stolen?

No, I ain't afraid it's stolen!

It happens to be
a beautiful watch.

I don't want
no neighborhood amateur

messing around with it, see?

So hurry up down there
and get it.

Will you move?
I'm going.

Can you move
faster?
Leave me alone,
will you?

Can you
get going?
I'm going!

What if he already checked
the number?

Wait. Get back in here.

What?

Get back in here.
Archie--

Get back in here!
Come on!

All right, all right!

I'm back in here,
now what?

Shut up. I'm going
to call Abrams.

I'm going to get
him on the phone.

It's going to be faster.

Gloria, look up
Mr. Abrams' telephone number.

The number's
on the ticket.

Get the ticket.

Where's the phone book?

Get her the phone book.

Call information.
Call information.

I got the ticket!

Give me the ticket.
I'm getting information.

She's got the ticket.
I got information.

We don't need
information.

Hello, Abrams Jewelry
Store, please.

Give me the phone.
Give me the phone.

Daddy, you just
told me--

We got the ticket!
Give me the phone.

Information, we don't need you.
We got the ticket.

Get off the line.
I got to use it!

Will you get
away from here

and let her
in there?

Give me the ticket.
Get out of here!

Read that ticket to me.

Oh, "Abrams Jewelers,
open : to : ."

No! Read me
the telephone number

on the ticket!

What's the difference?
It's closed anyway.

Huh?
It's after : .

It ain't after : .

It is after : .
It is after : .

It-- It is after : !

Oh, jeez, don't you realize
what that means?

It means the Chinese

are eating
breakfast again.

[DOORBELL RINGING]

Oh, I'll get it!

Oh, hello,
Mr. Abrams.

Hello, Mrs. Bunker.

Come in. We was just
talking about you.

Archie,
this is Mr. Abrams.

Yeah, Edith,
I see him there.

Get lost.

Mr. Abrams,

about that watch
my wife brung over.

That's what I want
to talk to you about.

I got bad news for you,
Mr. Bunker.

Don't tell me no bad news.

Let me tell you, first of all,

I don't know nothing
about that watch.

I know.

That's why I came to tell you

that it's going to cost you
$ to fix it.

That's what you come over
to tell me?

Jeez, I thought you were going
to come over and tell me

that maybe the watch
was stolen or something.

This watch?
No, absolutely not.

Well, that's good news,
Mr. Abrams!

Do you hear that,
all of youse over there,

and particularly you,
Meathead?

Your record
is still perfect.

You're wrong again.

Mr. Abrams, you have
my authoritization

to go ahead and fix the watch.

Are you sure, Mr. Bunker?

$ is a lot of money to spend
to fix an $ watch.

What do you mean?
That's a $ Omega.

This is not an Omega.
It is "Onega."

Huh?
With an N.

What do you mean?

Here, take a look.
You see?

They've changed
the M to N,

and it looks like
the expensive watch.

It's a million-dollar
racket, Mr. Bunker,

all over the country.

Oh, jeez, Edith.

It's an N.

Sorry, Mr. Bunker.

Goodbye.

EDITH: Goodbye.

ARCHIE:
Oh, holy cow.

Edith, it's an N.

I hate to admit it,

but it looks like
I've been took.

It's not that bad,
Arch.

What do you mean,
it ain't that bad?

This watch is the same
as two weeks' take-home pay.

How do you figure
that, Daddy?

Figure it out yourself.

Two weeks' take-home pay,
that's $ .

But, Arch, you only spent $
on an $ watch.

You're only
out bucks.

Use your brains, will you?

Tommy Macklin says
it's a $ watch.

I give him $ for it.

$ from $ is $ I'm out!

You're wrong.
You're wrong.

I ain't wrong, you dumbbell!
I'm right!

All right, all right.

You want to be right?
Yeah.

I'll show you
how you can be right.

You spend the $ ,
you get the watch fixed.

You've already spent ,

so for a $ investment,
you got your $ watch back.

Maybe you got something there.

Sure.

But the watch is
still only worth $ .

Huh?

That's what
Mr. Abrams said.

Boy, are you stupid.

I'm stupid?

You're the one
who's stupid!

[ALL YELLING AND LAUGHING]

I can't get over
it being tonight here

and tomorrow morning
in China.

Well, it's the different
time zones, Ma.

It's like, uh, well,
it's three hours earlier

on the West Coast
than it is here.

Yeah, for instance,
if you left New York

on a plane that flew
fast enough,

you could meet yourself
landing in California.

Oh, my. I wonder
what I'd say to myself.

You'd say, uh,
"Hello, Dingbat."

[♪]

ANNOUNCER:
All in the Family was recorded
on tape before a live audience.