03x20 - Archie is Branded

[bunniefuu]

♪ Boy, the way
Glenn Miller played ♪

♪ Songs that made
The Hit Parade ♪

♪ Guys like us
We had it made ♪

♪ Those were the days ♪

♪ And you knew
Where you were then ♪

♪ Girls were girls
And men were men ♪

♪ Mister, we could use a man
Like Herbert Hoover again ♪

♪ Didn't need
No welfare state ♪

♪ Everybody pulled
His weight ♪

♪ Gee, our old LaSalle
Ran great ♪

♪ Those were the days ♪

Edith, you got the coffee
made out there?

EDITH: Yeah, Archie.

Did you bring in
the Sunday paper?

No, not yet.

She knows it's out there.

She leaves it there.

Well, what are you going to do?

You can't teach
an old dingbat new tricks.

Edith!

I'm sorry I'm late, Archie.

Here's your breakfast.

Never mind the breakfast.

Come over here and take a look
at the front door.

[GASPS]

Oh, my.

Who did that?

I wouldn't know, Edith.
The artist didn't sign it.

I'm calling the cops.

Oh, yeah,
call the cops.

That's a good idea.

Calling the cops?
What's going on?

Look at the door.

Yeah?

You meathead.

Open the door
and look on the outside.

You didn't tell me
to open the door.

All you said was
"Look at the door."

You didn't say,
"Open the door

and look at it
from the outside."

All you said
was "Look at the door."

Open the damn door
and look at the outside of it!

All right.

You didn't say,
"Open the door."

Open it!

A swastika.

Hey, Gloria,
did you see this?

What?

Oh, Michael, who
could have done that?

Probably the same crummy kids

that busted the street lamp
last week.

I wonder if they did it
to other houses. I'll look.

Who cares?
I know they done it to my house.

And they ain't getting
away with it.

I'm calling the cops.

Hello. Hello. Is this--?

Huh?

How do you like this?

I call the cops, I get
a recorded announcement here.

"The lines are all busy.

"Do not hang up the phone.

Your call will be answered
when the lines are clear."

The lines would be clear
if they wasn't playing records.

Michael...

Michael, did they paint
any of the other doors

on the block?

No, just this house.

Why do kids do
things like that?

Gloria, I don't
think it's kids.

There's a lot of fanatics
running around loose these days.

Who cares?
Whoever done it,

I'm going to get them
for it, that's all.

Now, here, you stay on
the blower till the cops answer.

All right.

What about you,
little girl?

You hear anything last night
when you were sleeping?

The cops are going
to want to know that

when they get here.

No, Daddy, all I heard
was your alarm clock

when it went off
this morning.

And that's
another thing.

Why did the alarm clock
go off on a Sunday morning?

Huh?

I was out of bed and
halfway to the toilet

before I remembered
I didn't have to get up.

I'm sorry, Archie,
but I wanted to get up

and put a cake
in the oven

for Louise Jefferson.

It's her anniversary
tomorrow.
Tomorrow?

Well, why are you
rigging the alarm

for today?

Well, I figured if the cake
didn't turn out good today,

I'd have another chance at it
tomorrow.

Oh.

Why do I ask her anything?

Hey, Arch,
I got the police.

All right,
give me the phone.

Hold on a second.

Give me
the phone there.

Hello, the police.

Yeah, this is Archie Bunker,
Hauser Street.

I've got a complaint.

Last night, sometime
during the night,

someone come around here

and paint a swastika
on my front door.

Swastika.

Swas-ti-ka.

You know, one of them German
things from World w*r II.

Yeah, well, can you come over?

All right, good.
That's all I want.

Yeah, thanks very much.

All right, we'll get
to the bottom of this.

The cops are going
to come over

and have
a little investigation here.

Oh, I better
get something

to wipe that
off the door.

No, no!

What do you want

to wipe it off
the door for?

I want it
on the door.

I want the cops
to see that.

That is evidence.

Catch on?

Yeah, but, Daddy,
in the meantime

everyone else
can see it.

Good thinking, little girl.

All right, we'll fix it
so nobody else sees it

till the cops
get here.

I'm going
to cover that thing up.

EDITH: With what,
Archie?

Oh, wait till
you see, Edith.

I'm going to cover that thing up
with Old Glory here.

This put the kibosh
on the Nazis once before.

It's going to do it again.

Get the thumbtacks.

Oh, why don't you stick it up
with tape, Archie?

Thumbtacks, huh, Edith?

Tape would be better.

Why would tape be better?

Because I know
where the tape is.

Will somebody get
the thumbtacks?

All right, Daddy.

Would you calm down?

Jeez, I know
where the thumbtacks are.

ARCHIE: Hurry up.

Oh, it's the tape.

Bring me the tape.
The tape, the tape.

Come on,
put it up here.

I wonder why they call it
a swastika.

Why they call it
a swastika?

Look at the damn thing.

EDITH: Yeah?

Well, what the hell else
would you call it?

Archie, did you
drop something?

There's a piece
of paper out here.

Huh?

It's a note.

Huh?

"This swastika
is just the beginning.

We'll be back."

Give me that.

I'll read that.

"This swastika
is just the beginning.

We'll be back."

What is this?
You still think
that's a bunch of kids?

Michael, I'm scared.

What if they try
something else?

It's like burning a cross
outside a black person's home.

Sometimes they follow it up
with a b*mb.

Aw, cut that out!

In the first place,

this ain't a black
person's house.

Arch, why would they
just pick our house, huh?

Well, listen,
maybe because of you,

because you live here.

That's crazy.

It ain't so crazy.

You're always mixed up
in them things

where you're carrying
signs around.

Maybe somebody's here
to pin a sign on you.

What are you
talking about?

Oh, no, Archie,

I don't think
that could be right.

Thanks, Ma.

I don't think anybody
cares what Mike does.

Thanks, Ma.

Oh, I'm sorry, Mike.

I didn't mean it
that way.

This guy,
and everybody knows it,

is always
putting this country down.

As far as he's concerned,
nothing is right...

unless it's left.

Hey, hey, I happen to
believe in this country

more than you do.

What was that?
That's right.

Because I believe
it's strong enough

to accept some changes.

Well, it ain't gonna
accept communism, buddy.

Who's talking about communism?

I'm talking about civil rights.

That's communism.

You know something?

Your thinking
is really Neanderthal.

Listen, you gonna talk to me,
talk American or clam up.

[DOORBELL RINGS]

Clam up anyhow.

Get away from there.
Get away from there.

I'll answer the door.
Go on, little girl.

You just sit down
and have your breakfast.

I'll talk to the cops.

Oh, Munson, come on in.

Hey, Arch.

EDITH:
Hello, Mr. Munson.

Hello, Mrs. Bunker.

Hey, Arch, what's with
the flag on the door?

This ain't
the Fourth of July.

I know it ain't
the Fourth of July.

I don't have to wait
for the Fourth of July

to hang Old Glory
out there,

show my country I love her.

And it looks better
than a swastika.

Your cake is burning in the
kitchen. Get out of here.

Oh, my.

Arch--
No, no, no.

Don't pay no
attention to Edith.

You gonna let me
drive your cab tonight?

That's what I came for.
I was gonna give you the keys.

[DOORBELL RINGS]

Hold it. Hold it.

Hey, mister,

you know you got your flag
hung up wrong?

Listen, boy scout,

you're talking to a veteran
of World w*r II.

This is the way we used
to hang the flag under fire.

You were doing it wrong.

The stars are supposed
to go in the other corner.

Want me to hang it
the right way for you?

Uh, yeah, yeah, all right.

You can do that.

But listen, no tip
or it ain't a good deed.

Keys?

Hey, mister,

you know you got
a swastika

on your door?

Aw, jeez,
give me the flag, kid.

Get lost, now!

What's a swastika
doing on your door?

How do I know?

It ain't got nothing
to do with me.

I don't like
the looks of this.

Somebody's got you
marked out for something.

Nobody's got me marked out
for nothing there, Munson.

It's just that somebody's
sore at the meathead here.

Come on, quit it, will you?
Michael hasn't done anything.

Arch, I don't think you better
take the cab out tonight.

Why not?

Well, if somebody's
after your son-in-law,

well, you ain't
safe either.

I certainly am safe.

You know what follows
those things up on the door.

The next thing you know,
when you ain't looking,

they'll plant a b*mb in the cab.

You get in, start it,
and kaboom!

What do you mean, "kaboom"?
I wouldn't want that to happen.

Don't worry about me.

I can't afford
to lose that cab.

It's all right, Archie.

The cake
ain't burned.

It'll be done
in a little while.

Ain't that good news?

[DOORBELL RINGS]

Do something useful.
Answer the bell.

Munson, you come in here,
you get my family all excited...

I want to drive
tonight.

MUNSON: No way.
No way, Arch.

Oh!

Special delivery
for Bunker.

Oh, thank you.

Uh, say, lady,

you know you got
a swastika on your door?

Yeah. Thank you.

ARCHIE: Come on, Munson,
give me the keys.

I want
to drive tonight.

No way. No way, Arch.
I'll be seeing you.

EDITH:
Goodbye, Mr. Munson.

Goodbye, Mrs. Bunker.

Archie, look what came for you.

Oh, what?

A package,
special delivery.

Can you believe
that Munson?

Hey, wait a second.

[TICKING]

That package
is ticking.

Huh?

What?
Listen.

Huh?

It is ticking!
The package is ticking!

[SHRIEKING]

Shut up!

Let me listen
to this thing.

[TICKING]

It's ticking.

It's a b*mb! Throw it away!

No, no, no!
Don't touch it!

Don't touch it!
Put it in water!

Throw it in the toilet.

No, not the toilet.

Throw it in the sink.

Put it in the sink.
Put it in the sink!

Put it in the sink!

Get out the back door!
Out the back door!

Damn it, I hate this!

[ALL SHOUTING]

Out the back door!
Out the back door!

Let me out
the door!

I think we're all right here.

I don't hear it ticking
no more.

Yeah.

You go give them
the all-clear.

All right.

Gloria, Ma, come on in.
It's all right.

Are you sure?
Yeah.

Come on, Gloria.

The house almost exploded

and nobody even ran to
save my wedding pictures.

Hey... wait
a second.

Huh?
[FASTER TICKING]

It's still ticking.

[SHRIEKING]

Shut up, will you?!

Let me listen
to this thing.

[FAST TICKING
CONTINUES]

Wait a minute.

This thing ain't
ticking at all here.

You run us out of our own home

with your rotten lousy
kitchen timer.

[TIMER DINGS]

My cake is done.

Oh, didn't it come out nice?

Yeah, Edith,
just beautiful,

but you know, we got
a special delivery package

over there in the sink.

I don't know what's in it,

but it'd better be rubber goods,
because it's underwater.

Oh! I think
it's soaked through.

I wouldn't be
surprised, Edith.

Here's a note.

It's from
Cousin Amelia.

"Russ has given up smoking,

so he's sending Archie
these cigars."

Oh! Oh!

Cigars?

Get away from that sink!

Oh! Oh!

"Russell says
to be sure

"you keep them
in a humidor

"because they spoil

if you let them
get dry."

These ain't gonna be dry
for a hell of a long time.

Edith...

All I can say is,
I ain't a happy man.

[DOORBELL RINGS]

I bet that's
the police.

I'll get that,
I'll get that.

Stay away from that bell there.

Why?
If that's the cops,

I don't want them
talking to you.

Why not?

Because you're the one that
started this whole thing.

I'll talk to the cops.

Yeah?

Sure did a job on you,
didn't they?

We got our work cut out
for us with this bunch.

You don't look
like no cop to me.

Good reason for that.

I ain't a cop.

Well, what do you
want, then?

I got a solution
to your problem.

Can I come in?

You're already in.

I want to warn you,
though,

I wouldn't leave

my car parked out there
long if I was you.

The cops put a $
summons on it.
It's okay.

And if this is some
salesman's gag

to get into the house,

I tell you right now,
we don't need magazines.

But you need protection.

Is that anything like
Cosmopolitan?

Stifle yourself.

Hey, that's terrific.

Funny lady.
Is she your wife?

Yeah, my wife,

my son-in-law over there,
my daughter over there.

Who are you?

The name is Benjamin.

Benjamin what?

No, no, it's Paul Benjamin.

It's one of those names
that works both ways.

you know, like James Stewart,
Dean Martin...

Pope John.

Will you stifle
yourself?

And sit down
in that chair!

She's a funny lady.

I never
laugh at her.

Mr. Benjamin,
you say you came

to help us
about the swastika?

Right. Like I said,

we're going to make sure
that you get protection.

Here, let me get this door.

What are you doing?
Protecting you.

Protecting me?
I mean, what for?

After all,
I don't even know you.

That's the way it's always been
with our people.

We got to look after
each other. Right, bubbe?

"Bubbe"?

You know something?

I never would've guessed it
in a million years.

You sure don't look Jewish.

Well...

there's a very good
reason for that.

I ain't Jewish.

Ah, you're a convert.

No!

I don't get this.
What are you afraid of?

I ain't afraid of nothing.

Hey, listen,
don't worry about

the guys that painted
that thing on your door.

You're not alone.
I'm here now.

You're with one of your own.
You know what I mean?

I ain't one of your own.

I'm one of my own.

If that's the way you want
to play it, Mr. Bloom,

it's fine with me, but--

Hold it, hold it, hold it,
hold it, hold it.

Why are you calling me "Bloom"?

You mean you changed
your name too?

No!

Mr. Benjamin,
I think you got the wrong house.

There's no Bloom here.
This is Archie Bunker.

Archie Bunker.

And I can testify
that he is not now,

nor has he ever been,

a member of the Jewish faith.

At no time.

Then why did the g*ons
who painted your door

mistake this place
for David Bloom's place?

You mean the David Bloom
that's on the school board?

Oh, he lives up at the end
of the block, at number .

Our house is number .

Oh, that Bloom.

That's that
bigmouth liberal

who's always trying to run
for the city council.

Oh, I get it now.

This here swastika
belongs to Bloom.

Oh. Well, jeez.

I feel a lot better
about that.

It makes you feel better?

Arch, a man is being threatened.

When he talks,
never listen.

Now, Paulie,

I want to show you
where Bloom lives,

right up at this house
at the end of the corner.

You'd better go up there.

Where the hell
are you going?

Wait. Hold it
a minute, now.

You know that swastika
was meant for Bloom,

and I know that swastika
was meant for Bloom,

but they think
it was meant for you.

"They"?
Who's "they"?

The creeps that
painted your door.

They still think
this is David Bloom's place,

so we got to be ready
for them right here.

And who's "we"?
You keep saying that.

Yeah. Who's "we"?

The H.D.A.

Oh, boy, that's the Hebrew
Defense Association.

ARCHIE: Huh?

Arch, that's a
strong-arm outfit.

It's a vigilante group.

Hold it.

Vigilante sounds
good to me.

That could be
something good there.

Wait a minute.
What do you guys do?

What they do.

If they use force,
we use force.

Good.

Yeah, but v*olence won't help.

Wouldn't hurt.

Michael's right.
Just because some people

do some terrible things
to other people

doesn't give you the right
to do the same thing.

That's just revenge.

What's the matter with revenge?

It's the perfect way
to get even.

You're catching on, bubbe.

Why don't you
catch on?

Any thinking person has gone
past the idea of revenge

a long time ago.

Any thinking person knows
that h*m* sapiens is a k*ller.

h*m* sapiens?

Is he an Arab?

No, Edith.

h*m* sapiens,
that's a k*ller f*g.

Arch... h*m* sapiens is man,

and man invented the law
to protect himself.

Law? Law? What law?

What are you talking about?

A law that lets a g*ng of thugs

get away with painting
swastikas on doors, huh?

Or k*lling innocent hostages?

That lets them k*ll off
one religion in--

in the name of another religion?

Look. That's your law.

Yeah, that's right.

Listen, if some guy, Meathead,

runs around doing damage
to some other guy,

the only decent thing to do
is knock him off,

and if you can't do that
by yourself,

the best thing to do

is bring back
the old death penalty.

I don't believe
what you're saying, Arch!

Don't you see that makes
murderers out of all of us?

I don't want to m*rder anybody,

and I don't want the state
doing it in my name!

Ah, go eat a marshmallow.

What are you,
some kind of saint?

Look, all I'm saying is
I know the guys that did that,

and if it comes
to k*lling, hey,

better them

than my
bubbe here.

Hey...

That's some straight thinking
there, Paul.

Straight thinking?!

Arch, if this guy's
lips wasn't moving,

I'd swear those were your words
coming out of his mouth.

That's right,
because this guy's making sense.

Thanks.

Don't mention it there, bubbe.

Mr. Benjamin, hasn't there been
enough fighting?

I mean, isn't it time
that people sat down

and talked their problems over
with one another?

No, no, no.

We've had it with that.
Up to here we've had it.

No more talk!

You can't talk to b*ll*ts.

Oh, what's the use?

When will people understand?

Careful, you'll
hurt yourself.

Yeah, it's an awful
shot in the head

you give
yourself there.

I'll tell you, better this kind
of shot in the head

than this kind.

You ain't kidding.

You're right,

and that's what me and my boys
are here to prevent.

ARCHIE: You got
some boys with you?

They'll be here
in a few minutes.

Daddy, Daddy,
I'm scared of this man.

Would you please
ask him to leave?

What are you
talking about,

ask him to leave?

Some bum comes and paints
a swastika on my door.

Paul is only here just to get
even with them, that's all.

Tit for tat, right?

Yeah, well, we call it
"An eye for an eye,"

but it's the same thing.

Whatever happened
to "Turn the other cheek"?

You can't do
that no more.
He's right.

He's not right.

You stick to your Testament,
and I'll stick to mine.

Fine, fine.

Doesn't your Testament

say something
about loving thy neighbor?

All right,
all right.

Look, say you're walking
down the street

with your wife here,

and some creep comes up
and jumps her.

What are you
going to do?

Love him or break
his head open?

Well, I'd probably
break his head open,

but that's not
a fair example,

because I'd be acting
out of a reflex response.

What you're
talking about

is a cold-blooded
plan.

Don't you see that's
how v*olence spreads?

What are you
going to do?

Just smile and let them
keep hijacking and assassinating

and sending
their letter bombs?

That's okay, huh?

No. Them things is
very, very wrong.

Answer me.

Ain't them
terrible things?

Of course they're
terrible, Arch,

the same way
it's terrible for us

to be sending bombs by air mail.

We ain't never done that.

We sure have, Arch,

addressed to women and children
in Vietnam.

We don't b*mb them
women and children on purpose.

Oh, I'm sure they'll be happy
to know that, Daddy.

You stay out of this
over there.

That's one of
them ordinary,

what do you call,

"tradegies" of w*r,
that's all.

Jeez, you can't fight
a w*r without that.

What we used to call,
uh, "C'est la gwerr-ee."

You're right again, bubbe,
and this is w*r.

[DOORBELL RINGS]

I'll get it.

It's okay. It's one of my men.

Hey, Jerry, what's up?

This is the wrong house.

I know that, but they don't.

They do now. We just got word
they're on their way to Bloom's.

We'll be ready for them.

Why don't you go on ahead
and I'll drive up and meet you?

Right.

Well, I guess you folks
are off the hook.

So long, everybody.

So long there, bubbe.

EDITH: Bye.

You too, friend.

I don't agree with what you say,

but I like your chutzpah.

You know something?

One of these days,
you're going to find out

that this is the only answer,
right there.

Well, I still think
you're wrong,

because this...
only gets you this.

Okay, friend,

you keep talking

and I'll do
what I have to do.

Shalom.

"Shalom"?

What does that mean?

Believe it or not, Ma,
it means "peace."

Jewish people
also use it

to say hello
or goodbye.

Well, how do you know
which one they mean?

Why don't you use
your common sense, Edith?

If a Jew is coming at you,
it means "hello."

If he's going the other way,
it means "goodbye."

But when does it mean "peace"?

Ah, Edith,
in between hello and goodbye.

[LOUD expl*si*n]

Holy jeez.

That's Paul.

They blew him up in his car.

[♪]

ANNOUNCER: All in the Family
was recorded on tape

before a live audience.