03x21 - Everybody Tells the Truth

[bunniefuu]

♪ Boy, the way
Glenn Miller played ♪

♪ Songs that made
The Hit Parade ♪

♪ Guys like us
We had it made ♪

♪ Those were the days ♪

♪ And you knew
Where you were then ♪

♪ Girls were girls
And men were men ♪

♪ Mister, we could use a man
Like Herbert Hoover again ♪

♪ Didn't need
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His weight ♪

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♪ Those were the days ♪

Don't keep talking about it,
that's all.

If you can't talk intelligent
about the thing,

then don't talk
about it at all!

Nice dinner.

All I know is, what's
right is right.

Daddy, shh!

Don't shush me.

I'm talking to
your mother here.

This whole thing is
your mother's fault.

You understand that, Edith?
This is your fault.

Oh, Daddy, how could
it be Ma's fault?

Because the kitchen
is her department.

She's responsible
for everything

that goes on
in the kitchen.

Ain't that right, Edith?

Yeah, that's
right, Archie.

That's why
it's your fault

that the refrigerator's
busted.

But I wasn't anywhere
near it when it broke.

That's my whole
point, Edith.

You should have
been near it

to keep an eye on it.

And you, Meathead,

what the hell
kind of a restaurant

is this you brung us into?

One of them everything-you-can-
throw-up-for- ¢ joints?

Archie, this happens to be
a nice French restaurant.

Ugh.

And it's called
The Gay Paris.

Ugh.

The Gay "Paree," Ma.

EDITH: Oh!
Aw, gay, gay, gay.

What'd you do,
bring us into a f*g hangout?

Daddy, it's gay
as in "happy."

I know that.

We thought you'd like
this place.

What would make
you think that?

It's cheap.

Funny.

Come on, Daddy,
relax and enjoy it.

How can I relax
and enjoy anything

after what
happened tonight?

It's still got
me shaking, Edith.

Look at that.

Oh, my.

I could have been hurt
back there at the house.

Maybe I could
have been k*lled.

From what?

From that guy back there
with the knife.

I never saw a guy with a knife.

You never saw
no guy with a knife?

Then the part of your brain

that works your eyes
is burnt out.

I'm telling you
that guy had a knife.

I'm telling you he didn't.

Wait a minute.
You can't both be right.

One of you has got to be wrong.

Yeah, him.
Yeah, him.

All I know is,
I come home tonight

expecting a nice, quiet,
peaceful evening.

You did not. You came home
like you always do,

mad at the world.

You're telling me
when I came in the door tonight,

I was mad at the world?

That's right. I remember
exactly what happened.

Gloria and I were sitting
on the couch

and you came storming
through the door.

[SLAMS]

[GROWLING]

[ROARING]

Hi, Arch.
Hi, Daddy.

[ROARING]

Get away from Gloria!

ARCHIE:
You're hurting her.

I just had my arm
around her.

You're all over her
all the time.

If the cops ever want
your fingerprints,

all they got to do
is process her!

I'm sorry
if our behavior

aggravates you.

We won't do it anymore.

That's right,
Daddy.

We mean
no disrespect.

[ROARING]
You don't know what you mean!

Where's your mother?

Edith! Edith!

Hello, Archie!

How was your day?

[ROARING]

Oh, that's nice.

[ROARING]

Supper on the table.

No, but, Archie,
now, Archie--

Where's the supper
on the table?!

Supper on the table!
Supper on the table!

But, Archie,

we're gonna eat
out tonight.

No, we ain't gonna
eat out tonight!

Daddy, there isn't
any supper.

Why ain't there
no supper on the table?

All the food
is spoiled.

The refrigerator's
on the blink again.

The refrigerator's
on the blink again?

It ain't got no right
to be on the blink again.

It's only years old!

If it's on the blink
again, it's your fault!

You're opening it and closing it
all the time to feed your face!

You dumb, meatheaded,
unemployed, oversexed

pinko professor of Polack, you!

Those are not very kind things
to say,

but I'll try to do better.

I'll try to do
better too, Daddy.

ARCHIE:
Oh, you got to tell lies

a whole lot better than that,
Meathead,

if you expect
anybody to believe you.

Now, I'll tell
youse all

the way it was
with me tonight.

I come home tonight
just like I always do,

feeling good, happy as a clam,

expecting to spend
a nice, quiet evening

in the bosom of my family.

Good evening, everybody.

Hello, Michael.
Hello, Gloria.

BOTH:
Hello.

Oh, kissing again, huh?

That's nice.

I believe
young people should kiss

every chance they get.

Where's your mother?

Edith, dear.

Oh, Edith, dear.

EDITH: Yeah,
what is it?

May I know what we're having
for supper tonight?

Nothing!

Oh, did she say nothing?

The refrigerator's
broken.

Oh, the refrigerator's broken.

Ain't that a shame?

Ah, well, heaven knows
we had our money's worth

out of that old box.

Hey! Hey! What kind
of a dirty crack is that?

What did I say, Michael?

You insulted my husband!

Well, I hope not.

You're saying I'm the one
that broke the refrigerator!

Well, I'm not the only one
that uses it, you know!

I'm not the only one
who eats around here, you know!

You eat times
as much as I do,

so don't go making
dirty cracks like that!

Michael's right, Daddy.

He's right! He's always right!

Did you hear me?
He's always right!

Well, of course he is.

He's a college boy.

I think
you two are taking me up wrong.

I realize
that there are four people

using the refrigerator
in this house,

and one of them's a student
who's doing brainwork

and needs all the food
he can eat,

and he's welcome to it.

It's delightful
to have a student in the house.

MICHAEL: You never said that.

"Delightful
having a student

around the house"?

You didn't say that at all,
Daddy.

Boy, I wish
I had a tape recording of you,

so you could hear
some of the things

you say sometimes.

I don't need one of them.

I can hear the way I talk
perfect.

You only hear
what you want to hear.

You ought to hear yourself
the way we hear you.

Yeah, like the way
you talked

to Ma tonight,
ordering her around.

You treated her
like a dog!

[DOORBELL RINGS]

Edith!

[WHISTLING]

Get in here!

Yeah, Archie,
what is it?

Answer that door.

Whoever it is,

tell them to get
the hell out of here.

Bark at them.

But I'm expecting
the refrigerator repairman.

At this time of the night?

Well,
he was too busy to come earlier.

So you invite him at this time
so's he can make overtime?

Can't you never
do nothing right?

Can't you never
do nothing right?

Can't you never do nothing
right? Can't you never--?

[DOORBELL RINGS]

I'll answer that!

Get away from the door!

Get away from there!
Get away!

Get back, get back!
Stay, stay!

And your final instruction
before I let this guy in here:

Don't you talk to him,
take up his time!

Understand? Don't say nothing!

I got to tell him
where the refrigerator is.

All you got to do
is point to it, understand?

These guys charge by the minute,

and I want this guy out of here
in five minutes flat!

Now, quiet, quiet!

Or you don't get no candy.

ARCHIE:
What are you talking about?

I never said them things
to Edith.

You did too.

You treated her
like a dog.

I did not!

I never told
her, "Stay."

Did I ever tell
you "stay"?

No, Archie,
you didn't.

There, there.

You told me to sit.

I never said that
neither!

Oh, and I suppose you never
picked on that repairman

and his Uncle Tom of a helper?

Uncle Tom? What's Uncle Tom?

Archie,
an Uncle Tom is a black guy

who lets guys like you
walk all over him,

which is exactly what you did
from the minute they came in!

The doorbell rang,
and you said...

[HOWLING]

I'll get that!

Get away from the door!

Mr. Bunker?

That's right, and don't stand
there lounging out on the stoop.

I ain't paying you for that.
Come on in and start work.

Right you are,
Mr. Bunker.

Come on in, Jack.

What?

Who are you?

I's the repairman's
helper, sir.

You're a helper, huh?

What do you do,
help run up the bills?

Yassah! Yassah!

Oh, yassah, yassah,
yassah, yassah!

Anything you say, sir.

It's a beautiful night,
ain't it, sir?

No, it's lousy.

The icebox is broke.

All right, what time
you got starting here?

Uh, : .

I'm sympathizing my watch
with yours.

You know what I mean?

You mean, you're worried

you won't get a fair shake
on the time?

I mean, there ain't no use

in your trying to stretch out
the job,

because I know
exactly when you begun.

Okay, Mr. Bunker.

Got the tools, Jack?

Tools?

Oh, yeah, the tools!

I'll go get them
outs the truck

whilst you sizing up
the job.

Aw, look at this.

It's going to take
all night long.

It's going to cost me
an arm and a leg here!

He forgot the tools
because between

his left ear
and his right ear,

they forgot to put
his brains!

That's not a very nice
thing to say, Archie.

You don't like
the things I say?

Then pack your bags
and am-scray!

Michael, please don't
irritate Daddy like that.

You're right, Gloria.

Archie... I'm sorry.

I apologize.

Can't we be friends?

Relax, Daddy, and--
And think about that nice dinner

we're going to have in that
wonderful restaurant tonight.

I'm going to go upstairs
and get ready now, Michael.

Where's your mother?!
Where's your mother?!

There she is!

Edith, what are you
doing over there?

What are you doing?

Ain't it bad enough
you're a dingbat?

You want to be
a bird dog too?

Get that tail down!

Daddy, I think
she's just trying to show them

where the refrigerator is.

Why don't you
just talk to them?!

[MUMBLING]

What was that?

You told her not to speak.

Edith, speak,
speak!

Oh, thank you, Archie.

The refrigerator is
right this way, Mr., uh...?

Call me Bob.

Bob!

Ain't that interesting?

In my family,
we have--

Stifle that about
your stupid family

and let the man
get to work!

Oh, here come the tools,
here come the tools!

And what is your name?

Oh, you can call me anything,
ma'am,

just don't call me
late for dinner.

[LAUGHING ARTIFICIALLY]

ARCHIE: Hold it, hold it there.

What do you mean,
hold it?

This here story
you're telling is cockeyed.

Them two repair guys
at the house

is the exact opposite
of what you say,

and I ought to know.

I was the first guy
that seen them.

[DOORBELL RINGS]

Oh, I'll get that,
Edith, darling.

Don't disturb yourself.

Are you Bunker?

Yes, I am, and whom are you,
may I ask?

I come to fix your icebox.

Oh, how nice of you
to come so quick.

Won't you step inside?

Come on in, Jack.

Oh, you got a helper
with you, huh?

Black is beautiful, baby.

Beautiful.

I know what I know.

That guy was one of them
Black-Power Mau-Maus

armed to the teeth.

Come on, Arch,
he wasn't armed.

He was armed. He had
a knife a foot long.

It was as sharp
as a razor.

You're lying.

I ain't lying.
I know what I seen,

and I can also see
right inside them guys.

I know what I'm talking about,

but what's the sense
in talking to you?

You don't believe nothing I say.

You don't believe nothing
unless you read it

in one of them
pinko left-wing magazines.

I wonder why
they call them "left-wing."

Politics, Edith, politics.

That's all.

Conservatives are called
right-wing

because they're right.

Pinkos are called left-wing
because they're wrong.

You're the one who's wrong.

You're wrong about everything
that happened tonight.

I ain't wrong!

Shh!

I was just like
a perfect gentleman.

I opened up that door,
and that colored guy walked in

and stepped all over me.

Hey, what you
trying to do, man,

freeze a dude
to death out here?

Oh, no, I'm sorry.

I know it gets cold
out there on the stoop.

Come right in.

Please, come right in.

Uh, now, let me
see, gentlemen,

is the time,
what, : ?

What do you mean, : ?

It's after .

You're trying to do us
out of minutes' time.

No, no, I beg your pardon.

My watch is fast.

Oh, sure.

You hear that, Jackie?

They're all alike.

All trying to get
something for nothing.

Well, he gets
nothing from us, man.

You best tell the dude
this house call

gonna cost him
bills, for openers.

And bucks for
every five minutes

after the half-hour.

Very reasonable.

Glad you see it
our way.

You got the
tools, Jackie?

Oh, yeah, I'll
go get the tools.

[MUTTERING]

And I'm going to take
my time getting them.

Oh, sure, sure.

No rush, no rush
at all there.

No rush at all.

Well, while
we're waiting,

I might as well make
myself comfortable.

Oh, certainly,
certainly. Sit down.

Take a load off
your feet here,

I always say.

And your helper's
pretty smart too.

You know, never take
the tools off the truck

until you're
ready to work.

Hey, what kind of
a racial crack is that?

Did I make a racial crack?

Yes, you did,
and don't do it again.

Michael,
I hate to disagree with you,

but I don't think
I made no racial crack.

Don't you yell at my husband
like that!

Now, Edith, Edith,
that's a father's job.

Now, let me take
over here.

Aw, don't cry,
honey.

I made you
feel bad, huh?

What'd I do to you?

You want to know what you did?
I'll tell you what you did.

You yelled at my husband,
you monster!

Oh...

Gee, I'm awful sorry
I upset your husband.

How can I make it up to you?

You tell him you're sorry!

All right,
I'll do that right now.

Wait here.

Gee, Michael, I'm awful sorry,
and I apologize.

Okay, but watch it!

I will.

Did you hear
what he said?

You watch it!

I will.

All right, I'm going
upstairs to get ready now,

so you can take us
to our favorite restaurant!

I'll pay.

Well, Edith, don't you
think it's about time

we should be showing
our guest here

where to start work?

JACK: Hey,
hey, hey!

You trying to rush us?

No, no, no, no, no, no!

Take all the time in the world.

Come on, Jack,
let's get it over with.

My wife pulled
the refrigerator

out from the wall there
to make it easy for you.

Hey, hey!

Whoa! Gee.
In there.

Hey!

Will you look
at this antique?

An old Freeze King.

Must have delivered that
in a horse and wagon.

Hey, whitey!

Did it come in
a horse and wagon?

I love to be kidded
by youse guys,

but, uh...

do you think maybe
you could start working

on the refrigerator there?

What did you say?

I don't remember.

MICHAEL:
Of course you don't remember,

because it was
nothing like that.

You were very rough
on those guys.

What? I treated them two guys
like perfect gentlemen,

and what's the thanks I get?

The colored guy
threatens me with a knife.

He never threatened you.

That Uncle Tom
didn't even have a knife.

Before it
broke down,

was the light working,
Mrs. Bunker?

Well, off and on.

How do you mean?

Well, on
when I opened the door...

and off when I closed it.

Edith, Edith, get away
from here, will you?

Pal, whenever you talk to her,
you're going to lose money,

because I'm deducting
all conversation time here!

[CHEWING LOUDLY]

What is that noise
I hear?

The noise
of an apple.

What are you doing

eating an apple
on working time?

Oh, Mr. Bunker, we ain't had
a meal break all day.

Please, let me eat.

Don't raise your
hands to me!

Oh, I didn't mean nothing.

I just trying to get along.

Give me a hand here,
will you, Jack?

Oh, yeah.
Excuse me, sir.

Look out!

What you doing there
with the fruit?

You appled all
over my shirt!

Oh, uh, I sorry, sir.

Hey, you nut!

You ain't supposed to touch
a white person's clothes

with a white person in them.

ARCHIE:
I never said no such thing.

You're crazy.

You're letting your
imagination run rancid.

I don't see
what's so wrong

with the man wanting
to eat an apple.

The man wasn't
really hungry.

Don't you understand?

He was just doing that
to waste time.

Now, if youse will all
listen to me,

I'll tell you the way
it really went.

[CHEWING]

What's that noise
I hear?

Ah, having a little snack
for yourself, huh?

Yeah, I'm having
a little snack,

and, uh, you don't
mind if I have

a little snack there,
do you, Bunker?

No.

Eat, eat, eat.

Jack, it looks like
a simple wire job.

Man, you called us just in time.

You got to watch out for them
old raggedy wires, you know,

because you touch them
and, like, zzt!

You a fried man, man.

Yeah, well, uh,
do you have to keep

waving that thing around?

Hey, don't be telling me
what to do, man.

No, no, no, I'll leave
everything up to you.

You know what, man?

This chump here
tightens my jaws.

Oh, uh--

What?

Oh, nothing, except,
no, no, it was just

a little apple on my shirt,
which is always nice.

And what is that
supposed to mean?

Ah...

Forget it, pal.

Let's get the job
done and blow.

Oh, no, man.

You know something?

You irritate me.

Oh, maybe we can sit down
and discuss it,

and I'll learn
how to improve myself.

MICHAEL: You're crazy!
You are crazy!

You never talked that
rational in your life.

I don't talk rational
because I make sense.

Ma, you were there.

Did Jack really pull
a knife on Daddy?

Well,
kind of yes and no.

Of course he didn't.

Of course he did!

Did not!
Wait a minute.

I want to find out
from Ma

what really happened.

Oh, jeez,
that's all we need,

a dingbat's-eye view.

Go on, Ma.

Well, now, let's see.

I remember
Jack was eating an apple,

and he wanted to know
if Archie wanted some.

You want a piece
of my apple, Mr. Bunker?

No, I hate apple pieces.

And don't be waving that shiv
around there, will you?

That's dangerous.

What, this little thing?

That's right,
that little thing.

In ancient Rome,

they k*lled Sid Caesar
with a bunch of them.

You're eating an apple
on the job, anyhow.

We got to eat on the run
in this job, Mr. Bunker.

We've been so busy today,

we haven't even had time
to go to the john.

Oh, well, stay busy,

because you can't use
our john.

It's broke.

Oh, Archie, I was
just upstairs--

[MOUTHING]
Shut up!

Jack, will you
give me a hand here?

Yeah, sure.

Excuse me, sir.

Hey, watch where
you're going.

Look what you
done there.

You got apple all over
the front of my shirt.

Oh, I'm very sorry, sir.

I was just trying to get by.

Sorry don't help me, boy.

Now I got to change the shirt.

Hey, I don't like that.

You don't like what?

You called me boy.

I'm not a boy. I'm a man.

Well, all right, you're a man.
I'm a man too.

Jeez, I don't go around
making a point of it.

You never had
to make a point of it.

Yeah, well, all right--
Hey, listen!

I got an idea.

I don't think
you guys

have to work
on this job anymore.

Why don't you just
pack up your tools,

and you can go?

Well, we're almost finished.

All we have to do
is fix the loose wire.

No, no, no, no,
I got a better idea.

Just let
it hang there.

Just let it hang.

Pack up your tools
and leave.

You mean
you want us to go?

You want me
to spell it out for you?

L-E-E-V. leave.

Okay, it's your money,
Mr. Bunker.

Pack it up, Jack.

Right.

I still have to charge you

for a house call, $ .

Oh, sure, sure,
well, I expected that.

Here we are,
one, two, three,

and eight, and
is , all set.

Goodbye, lady,

and good luck.

Bye, ma'am.

Bye, and thank you.

ARCHIE: Yeah,
thanks a million.

Arch, what are you
thanking them for?

You just spent
bucks for nothing.

For nothing?
No, no.

For that bucks,
he showed me

where the loose
wire is here.

See? That's all
I have to know.

Now I'm going to save myself
some money

by fixing up that
loose wire myself, huh?

Arch, I don't know.

I don't think
you should do that.

Will you keep
your mouth shut

and keep
your eyes open,

and maybe you'll
learn something.

MICHAEL: I don't think
you should have done that.

And now it's going
to cost you even more

when another repairman
has to come tomorrow.

Don't blame me,
little girl.

It ain't my fault.
It's your mother's fault.

And you, Edith, that story
you was telling here.

That ain't the truth.

Oh, yeah,
honest, Archie.

That's the way
it really happened.

Oh, wait a second, Ma,
not quite.

Remember,
Jack didn't really have a knife.

What are you talking about?

He had a big switchblade,

one of them Harlem g*ng knives.

Did he, Ma?

Well, I guess
your father knows

what they call them.

You're damn right
I know.

Well, I got
the knife with me.

I picked it up.

Jack must have
dropped it

when he was
picking up his tools.

Yeah, here it is.

That's the terrible
switchblade?

Archie,
when we was kids,

I think we called
this a pen knife.

That's a switchblade, huh?
Look at that thing.

It couldn't even
cut butter.

Hey, Michael, you said
that there was no knife.

Did I say that?

Yeah, that's
what you said.

Yeah, you did.

You're as bad
as Daddy.

You're as bad as me.

Wait a second,
wait a second.

All right, so I got
the knives mixed up,

but the way
you talk about it,

it was a machete.

I didn't say nothing
about a machete.

Don't be bringing
the sp*cs into this here.

[ALL ARGUING]

Mesdames, messieurs...

[♪]

All in the Family was recorded
on tape before a live audience.