04x01 - We're Having a Heat Wave

[bunniefuu]

♪ Boy, the way
Glenn Miller played ♪

♪ Songs that made
The hit parade ♪

♪ Guys like us
We had it made ♪

♪ Those were the days ♪

♪ And you knew
Where you were then ♪

♪ Girls were girls
And men were men ♪

♪ Mister, we could use a man
Like Herbert Hoover again ♪

♪ Didn't need
No welfare state ♪

♪ Everybody pulled
His weight ♪

♪ Gee, our old LaSalle
Ran great ♪

♪ Those were the days ♪

The weather's gone nuts, Ma.

A whole summer of rain

and now in September
it decides to get hot.

It's lucky Mrs. Wiedermeyer
moved away.

She used to be bothered
something awful

by the heat in Queens.

Where'd she move to, Ma?

To the Bronx.

[MEN SHOUTING ANGRILY]

Will you get the hell
away from me?

Walk away.
Go ahead!

Will you look
at this?

A day like today, hot,
in the shade,

and this guy's jumping
all over me about Watergate.

Listen, I'm up to here
with Watergate.

I'm drowning
in Watergate.

Archie, the whole country's
drowning in Watergate.

Well, when are you gonna
go under for the third time?

Let me tell you something,

I want you to lay off
President Nixon, huh?

In this country, we don't
kick a man when he's down.

Archie, it's not Nixon
who is down!

Remember what he said?
He's not wallowing in Watergate.

It's the country that's down.

I've still got
faith in Nixon.

Which one?

What do you mean,
which one?

The Nixon who knew why
we should be in Vietnam?

Yes.

Who knew all the reasons

to be friends
with Russia and China?

Yes.

Who knew
all the secret reasons

we had to keep bombing
Cambodia?

Yeah,
damn right!

The Nixon who didn't know
a single thing about Watergate?

Watergate again!

Will you tell
this guy

that if I hear Watergate
one more time

I'm gonna go nuts!

Mike, if Archie hears
Watergate one more time

he's gonna go nuts!

I just told him that,
you dingbat!

Now, I need a pen.
Just go get me a pen.

Yeah.

[BELCHES]
Thanks.

Stay away from me.
Just stay away from me.

I don't want to be arguing
with no guy

who's got a lamb chop
for a brain.

Here.

Oh, Edith, it's so hot
in this house.

Can't you close the windows
and the door

and turn on
the air conditioner?

Oh, no.
We can't do that.

The mayor was
on the radio,

asking everybody to switch off
everything electric.

Why did he
say that?

I didn't wait to hear why.
I switched off the radio.

Ohhh.

It's because we have to
conserve energy, Daddy.

Otherwise there's gonna be
another brownout.

Well, if I don't get some air,
I'm gonna brown out.

I'll turn the thing on myself.

No, Daddy, don't.
Daddy...

I'm turning it on--

As good citizens,
we all have to cooperate.

Oh, I suppose you think that
good citizen Barney Hefner's

got his air conditioner
turned off.

I suppose you think that all
good citizens in this block

got their air conditioners off.

As a matter of fact,
I do.

Good, then turning ours on
won't do no harm.

Get out of there.

Oh, Dad--
I'm gonna turn it on.

Right here.

Oh, jeez!
[SQUEALS]

Great work, Arch.
You made your own power cut.

Would you like me
to call a repairman?

No, Edith, that's the worst
thing you can do on a hot day

is call the repairman.

He's got you over a barrel
where he can pick your pocket.

Arch, I've got a great idea.

Why don't you hire
one of Nixon's plumbers?

I told you--
Mike--

I told you--

They flushed years
of democracy

down the drain
just because--

Archie don't want
to hear that word.

This country's practically
a police state--

Archie don't want
to hear Watergate! Oh!

I'm sorry.

Oh, that's all right, Edith.
That's all right.

Your main trouble

is that your tongue
is always racing with your brain

and your brain
always loses.

And your main trouble
is your brain is so closed

a new idea
couldn't break in,

even if it had the help
of Hunt and Liddy.

I am tuning you out,
Meathead,

because I've got
something important here

to read
and to sign

and I've got to consecrate
on that.

Just tell me
one thing.

Just tell me
one thing, Archie.

Do you think Nixon knew about
Watergate and the cover-up?

I'm busy.

Just tell me.
Do you think he knew?

I'm busy.
Say yes or no.

I am B-U-Z-Y, busy!

Now get away
from me.

Don't say no more
to me.

I don't want to hear another
word out of either one of youse.

Not one word.

How am I gonna tell you
when lunch is ready?

You won't have
to tell me, Edith.

I'll know when it's ready

because I'll see the meathead
racing for the table.

Now, please, huh,
leave me alone. Give me air.

Give me air!

BOTH:
"Whereas we got our fair share
of coloreds in this street--"

Get out of here.

EDITH:
What?

That's
a petition!

It ain't a petition.

It's a letter from people
who live in this street.

To who?

To some people
that we don't

want living in this street.

Oh, Arch,
what do you want to

start this thing
up for again?

Oh, Daddy, isn't it
a little late?

The Jeffersons have been living
here for over two years.

This letter ain't got nothing
to do with the Jeffersons.

This has got to do with
what is coming in next door.

Do you mean somebody's buying
the Wiedermeyer house?

Somebody wants to
buy it, Edith.

But this time
we're gonna strike

before the iron
gets hot, see?

What are you
talking about?

I'm talking about that
real estate guy, Joe Braddock,

who comes up to me and says
that I ought to be proud

because there's a minorority
living in the street here.

So I says, "Sure. I'm proud."

He says, "That's good,
because another minorority

has just put a deposit
on the Wiedermeyer joint."

Well,
that's terrific.

Oh, "That's terrific."
Terrific.

Everything's terrific
if it's a minorority with her.

She'd be happy
with a Hindu and a goat.

Oh, yeah. It'll be nice
to have neighbors again.

What do you mean
"nice," Edith?

Don't you see
what this is?

Braddock was telling me

that another bunch of coloreds
is coming on the street.

Don't you see
where that leaves us?

Between the Jeffersons
on this side

an the new coloreds
over here,

we'll be sandwiched
in between

like a white-meat turkey
on pumpernickel.

You know,
you really are paranoid.

I ain't paranoid.

Why are youse
all against me?

Daddy...

Daddy, didn't the Jeffersons
teach you anything?

You were against them
when they moved in,

but nothing happened.

The sky didn't
fall down.

Well, because
the Jeffersons are different.

How are the Jeffersons
different?

Because one colored family
is a novelty

and two is a ghetto.

What?!

What?!

Daddy!

Are you really gonna
take that petition around?

I told you
this ain't a petition.

This is a letter that McNab
wrote and he gave it to me.

I'm supposed to sign it
and pass it along.

You know something,

I swear I think you do
these things sometimes

just to eat
my heart out.

And that's what
you do, you know.

Little by little,
piece by piece,

you eat my heart out.

I don't care.

Well, you're not gonna
get away with this.

What are you
gonna do?

This. Watergate! Watergate!
Watergate! Watergate!

Watergate!
Watergate! Watergate!

Watergate! Watergate!
Don't say that no more!

g*dd*mn it!

Ohh!

What happened
to you?

You shouldn't swear like that.
I shouldn't swear--

You shouldn't swear
like that, Arch.

I didn't swear.
You swore.

I did not.
I did not.

Ever since this Watergate thing,
it's G-D this and G-D that.

That ain't swearing,
Edith, G-D.

The first word there
is "God," ain't it?

How can that be
a swear word,

the most popular word
in the Bible?

The second word, that's "damn."
That's a perfectly good word.

You hear that
all the time,

like they dam the river
to keep it from flooding, see?

And even in the Bible you read
where some guy is damned

for cheating or stealing

or committing insects
in the family.

And who
damned them?

Who else? God!

God damned him.

Edith, beautiful words
right out of the holy book.

Don't show your ignorance.

Bunker! Bunker,
I want a word with you.

Don't bother to try
to hide the evidence.

I know what
you're up to

and I want that letter
that McNab is passing around!

What letter?

Well, maybe he means
this letter.

Get out of here,
will you?

Now, listen, Jefferson, I ain't
got no argument with you.

Come on, don't cop out
to me.

I know that you don't want any
more blacks in this street.

I never said that.

You don't have to.

You're always against
any improvements on the block!

Listen, this whole thing
with this letter,

it's a matter
of economics, see?

Remember, I'm on
your side in this.

Oh, now you've really
got me worried.

Listen,
think intelligent, huh?

If the value
of my property goes down,

the same thing happens
to your property.

If you don't
want that to happen,

then you're
gonna join

the rest of us neighbors
on the block

and sign this.

I wouldn't sign
that piece of paper

if I was the last black man on
earth, let alone on this block!

ARCHIE: Jefferson, this is
for your own good!

[HISPANIC ACCENT]
Excuse me.

ARCHIE: Oh, hold on.
Hold on.

Uh, Edith, Edith,
get over here.

What is this?

How do you do?
Can I help you?

Yes, I am Alfredo Estrada
and this is my wife, Maria.

Oh, I'm Edith Bunker
and this is my husband, Archie.

Come on, Edith, just tell them
that we ain't buying,

no matter what
they're selling.

Oh, no, señor, we are
not selling, we are buying.

The house, number .

You're what?

The Wiedermeyer house?
That's terrific!

Hey, great!
Welcome!

[MOCKING]
"Terrific! Welcome!"

Why don't youse two
move to Calcutta!

You see, we are supposed
to meet

the real estate agent
here this morning,

but he don't call yet
and we don't have the key.

They're
Puerto Rican!

No, they're Swedes!

Ah, and it is especially nice
to see you here, Mr., uh...

Jefferson.

Yes, very nice to see you here
in the house of your friends.

The white family.

And I'm very glad to be
your new neighbor.

Hey, Bunker.

What?

Do you mind if I see
that letter again?

I can't believe it!
I can't believe it!

The two of you scheming
all week together.

Ah, what are you
kicking about?

Ain't you and your wife
always telling me

that coloreds and whites
ought to work together?

Not to stop Puerto Ricans
from moving next door!

We'll do anything to protect
our property on this street.

So you lied about the condition
of the Weidermeyer house?

I didn't lie about nothing.
That's right, he didn't lie.

He just told him
he wouldn't buy

a house that was
riddled with termites.

Which is
the God's honest truth.

That house
doesn't have termites.

I didn't say it did.

Well, what did you say?

I said I wouldn't buy a house
that was riddled with termites.

Boy, that's
some kinda truth.

You know, you ought to be
working for the White House.

Will you get
off of that?

The only mistake
the White House made

was just hiring
a couple of screwups.

A couple
of screwups?

That's right,
they should've hired Japs

instead of all them Krauts.

Wait a second.

What?!

Because the Japs are better
than the Krauts at electronics.

And if the Japs
get caught,

they do the right thing,
they k*ll themselves.

What are you and Henry Jefferson
gonna do when you get caught?

What do you mean, "get caught"?
We ain't doing nothing crooked.

[MICHAEL LAUGHING]
Oh, no?

While the Estradas
are thinking it over,

you and Henry are trying to find
somebody else to buy the house.

You don't call that crooked?
No!

That's looking out
for number one.

Where does that place
Henry Jefferson?

He's number two.

Why is he
number two?

Because, Meathead,
there can only be

one number one
and one number two

and life made Jefferson number
two long before I come along.

I suppose that the Puerto Ricans
are number three, then, huh?

Well, no, not necessarily there,
little girl.

Your Puerto Ricans
could be four.

Your Japs and your Chins
could be three.

A, B.

Crazy!
He makes me crazy!

Hey, Bunker.
Hiya there, Jefferson.

How are you?
Glad to see you.

Look at them over there,

birds of a feather who
cheat Puerto Ricans together.

Excuse me, Jefferson.

[BLOWS RASPBERRY]

What did you find out?

Well, Bunker,
we're off the hook.

Braddock sold the house and
the Puerto Ricans are out of it.

Hey, that's great news,
that's great news.

Look at this, it's Nixon
and Brezhnev all over again.

Shut up, huh.

Mr. Jefferson,
I just can't tell you

how surprised I am
at the way you're behaving.

Don't pay no attention
to her.

Edith!
EDITH: Yes!

I'm sorry you feel
that way, Gloria,

but in this world a man's
gotta look out for number one.

Right.

I thought you were
number one, Arch.

Oh, that's only when a black man
ain't around, right, Bunker?

No. No.

Like I always say, Jefferson,
I mean, what's in a number, huh?

Yeah, Archie?
Oh, hello, Mr. Jefferson.

Hi, Edith.
Sit down. Sit down, Henry.

Bring a couple
of beers, huh?

Right away.

I hope you know
there's such a thing

as a Fair Housing Commission
in this state.

Yeah, Mr. Jefferson.

They're the ones
who helped you get your house.

Well, that was fair.
That was fair.

Wait a second.

What are you saying,
it's not fair

for other people to get
their houses that way?

No. No.
Nobody said that.

All we're saying
is Puerto Ricans

ought to stay
in Puerto Rico.

We don't go to
their country to live.

Why should they
come to ours?

Puerto Rico is part
of this country.

No, no, no.
It ain't a state.

They have
commonwealth status.

I bet they probably ain't
vaccinated for that.

Daddy, no, it means that
they are citizens.

They have a right to move
from one part of this country

to another
just like anybody else.

No. I say no.

Would you say that to a guy
who came from Texas?

If he's a Puerto Rican, yeah.

Oh, God! Hopeless, hopeless!

Here you are.
Here we are.

There you are, Henry.
Thanks.

Hey, good news, Edie.
Good news.

The Weidermeyer place is sold
and to Americans.

The Estradas are Americans too.

Sure. But they've got to stand
in line like my people had to.

That's right,
and many's the time

I've seen your people
standing in line, Jefferson,

and it was
heartbreaking.

Hey, let's have a toast
to our success.

Here, huh, what do you say?

To us, huh?
Archie, to us.

Just us, Edith.

Boy, I never thought I'd see
the day when you'd be happy

to have another white family
on the block.

White? Who says
they're white?

Are they black?

No. I forgot to ask
the real estate agent.

I don't know
if they're black or white.

They could be
Puerto Rican.

Holy cow,
did you hear that?

Jefferson, you'd better
go to Braddock

and find out right away.

I'll get to the bottom of this.
Hurry up there, Jefferson.

Look at that.
You can't trust them people.

Henry wouldn't lie.

How can you tell? They never
blush or go pale or nothing.

Yeah. I'd like the number of the
Fair Housing Commission, please.

What are you doing?

I'm not gonna let you
get away with this.

The Estradas had a deposit
on that home first.

Put down that phone.
Don't tell me--

[ALL ARGUING]

ARCHIE:
Give me that phone.
Give me that phone.

Give me that--
Give me that phone!

Yah hah hah.

Ha ha ha ha.

Oh, look what you've done!

Hello, there.

Hello, there.
Can I help you?

Well, you're not gonna
believe this,

but I was gonna
ask to use your phone.

It's a good thing you didn't,
because it just broke.

She can see that, Edith,
you know, huh?

Look out.
Get out of there, Meathead.

I've gotta
fix the phone now.

Gotta get this wire here to go
into this wire in here, look.

Would you like me
to fix that for you?

Come on, lady, I ain't
got time to fool around.

Who's fooling around?
I can fix it.

You fix phones?

I can fix anything.

Look at this.
Josephine the plumber.

Archie, maybe she could
fix our air conditioner.

Edith, fixing air conditioners
and telephones is men's work.

Well, why don't I
just watch you do it?

Maybe I can
learn something.

Oh, you wouldn't, because
Archie can't do things.

Will you stifle yourself?

Oh, he can do
some things.

You mean like pulling
the phone apart?

Yeah, he can do that.

Will you, Edith, huh?

But he won't be able to
put it together again.

Watch, you'll see.

How can I
put anything together

with the two of youse
breathing down my neck

and in
the shade out there

and you sh**ting your mouth off
about me to a total stranger?

Oh, I won't be
a stranger for long.

I'm Irene Lorenzo.

My husband and I are buying
the house next door.

You're our
new neighbor.

IRENE: Yes.

Hey, look at this,
you're white.

Do we get points for that?

Well, we're
the Bunkers

and this is our daughter,
Gloria,

and her husband,
Michael Stivic.

Mrs. Lorenzo, I don't know
if you know this

but another family already put
a deposit down on that house.

Hey, shut up. They did not.
They did too.

They did not.
They did too.

They did not!
They didn't!

Who are you gonna
listen to, lady, him or me?

Why do I feel that my life
is at stake if I say him?

MAN: Irene!
In here, Frank.

In here.

♪ Ice cream for you ♪

Hello, everybody.
May I come in?

EDITH: Oh, sure.
Frank--

This is my husband, Frank.

And these are the Stivics
and the Bunkers.

FRANK: How do you do?

Here's your
ice cream, Irene.

Not now, Frank. I think we've
got problems with the house.

What kind of problems?

Mr. Lorenzo, I'm not sure

that the house next door
legally belongs to you.

Will you shut
your mouth?

Don't pay any attention
to anything this guy says.

He don't even work.

Whoa. Wait a minute.
What are you talking about?

I put a deposit down
on that house.

You don't have
all the facts, Frank.

I'm not gonna move
out of that house.

You don't have all the facts.
We're staying in that house.

You don't have
all the facts, Frank.

I don't think
I have all the facts.

Now, don't get excited,
but if it's true,

another family had a deposit
on the house first.

Well, wait a minute, lady. What
about your own husband here?

He put a deposit too.

I don't think
we can move in, Frank.

It just wouldn't be
the Christian thing to do.

What are you talking about?

It would be the most Christian
thing you done in your life.

I can prove it to you
by the Bible.

All we're trying to do
on this block

is separate the white
from the chaff.

Wait a minute.

Young fella, you'd better
have some proof

before you tell me that
that house next door ain't mine.

Irene and I weren't
born yesterday, you know.

We know people,
and speaking for myself,

I know what
a good Christian is.

Isn't he wonderful
when he's passionate?

Irene, it has nothing to do
with being passionate.

It's a question of
looking out for number one.

You sure you're
number one?

Get out of here!

Listen, I wanna welcome
youse two people

to the neighborhood
and to the block.

Well, Archie,
if they're welcome now,

maybe Mrs. Lorenzo
would fix our phone.

Oh, yeah, you wanted to fool
around with the phone before.

Yeah, go ahead, go ahead.
Try and fix it.

She can fix nothing.

She can fix the phone.
Huh?

She can fix
anything. Huh.

Where did you get
this lovely toolkit?

It was a door prize at one
of Frank's sales conventions,

a toolkit
and a set of cookware.

I kept the cookware.
Teflon.

She kept the tools
and you kept the cookware?

Frank is one of the best cooks
you'll ever run into.

Oh, I get it.
You work in a restaurant, huh?

No. I'm just
mad about cooking. Oh.

Yeah. I think I've seen
guys like you.

Hey, Bunker, I got the news
you wanted to hear.

Braddock just told me, your new
neighbors, they're white.

That seems to impress
everyone around here.

Yeah, white, white, white.
Look at them, white.

Well, Mr. Braddock's
waiting for you next door.

Oh, thank you.
Thank you very much.

Well, Bunker, you got
what you wanted.

Correction, you both got
what you wanted,

but now the Estradas
are out in the cold.

No, they got
what they wanted too.

Braddock sold them a house
over on the next block.

Hey, wait a minute,
wait a minute.

You mean to tell me
that louse Braddock

sold them Puerto Ricans
a house in this neighborhood?

Yeah. A bigger house
for the same money. Bye.

That's great!
That's great!

Archie,
ain't that nice?

Ain't that nice?

You'll see how nice it is

when the whole neighborhood's
turned into a smelting pot!

And it's all the fault
of that guy Joe Braddock.

Oh, I know him, a typical
out-for-himself Irish Mick.

You don't like
the Irish?

They're all right when they
ain't mumbling over their beads

or boozing it up.

I happen to be Irish.

Huh?

I don't like
what you just said.

I don't like it either.
I mumble over my beads too.

I'm Italian.

Oh, jeez, I mean, I couldn't
tell. Irish and Italian.

Look what we got here, Edith,
a mixed marriage.

Not mixed.
We're both Catholics.

Look, your
phone's fixed.

Frank, I think we'd better go.
Don't run away.

Edith's gonna put coffee
and cake on the table.

Get it, get it,
get it.

I'm sorry, but you know
us Irish Catholics.

I've gotta go have a few drinks

and then rush right off
to confession.

Oh, what do you mean "rush"?
Where's the rush?

There's one confession
that can't wait.

Oh, come on,
a nice lady like you,

what would you have to confess?

What I'm thinking about you.

[LAUGHING]

[PHONE RINGING]

She fixed it!

You said she couldn't do it!

Oh, Archie, she fixed the phone,
ain't that--?

Shut up, huh?
You said she couldn't do it.

Hello.

No.

No, you dumbbell, no.

She really fixed it.
Ain't that wonderful?

What's wonderful?
That was a wrong number.

Oh, my, I thought
it would cool off at night.

Oh, Edith, look at the cards
you've been dealing me.

Jeez, this ain't a hand,
it's a foot.

Of all the lousy--

Archie, no swearing. Remember,
you promised. No more G-D.

Who said G-D? You did.
I promised you never no more.

Come on, play cards.
Do you want the of diamonds?

No.

All right, I'll take it

and I'll throw
you the queen.

FRANK:
♪ We're having a heat wave ♪

♪ A tropical heat wave... ♪

What is that?

It's...

♪ We're having a heat wave ♪

♪ A tropical heat wave... ♪

I don't want stereo, Edith.

Come on, play the game.
You want the queen?

Yeah. Gin.
Oh, gee!

Hey! Hey, Lorenzo! Will you
cut that racket out over there?

We're playing cards here.
You just made me blow a hand.

FRANK:
♪ Luck, be a lady tonight ♪

♪ Luck, be a lady tonight... ♪

[♪]

ANNOUNCER:
All in the Family was recorded
on tape before a live audience.