05x08 - A Distinctive Horn

[bunniefuu]

Previously on "weeds"...

All I know is some stiletto-heeled mexi-c**t screeches at you.

Suddenly, the marriage is off.

They want me to have this baby totally off the grid, no birth certificate.

If I disappear, if the baby disappears, nobody knows.

It's f*cking "rosemary's baby."

We got to go to dr. Lehman's.

I have to have this baby right now.

Ow! Christ!

My boob. Deal with it.

I need to ask you a question.

Are you a closer or a loser?

You're pretty! Will front you all the products that you need to put yourself on the road to financial freedom.

Very impressive.

Thanks for involving me, dickhead!

You're a f*cking jinx.

You're a douche bag.

Everybody down!

Is this a joke?

No, it's no joke, fat ass!

You have the right to remain silent.

I need you to get the baby out of me as soon as possible.

Listen, you're two days away from your due date.

The father is a drug kingpin, which could pose a problem if he ever decided to k*ll its mother the minute she gives birth.

He has your eyes.

Shhhhhhh.

Shhhhhh.

This is a very handsome boy.

You must have a very beautiful life.

Do you want to know why...

What the f*ck are you doing?

Don't interrupt me, nancy.

It's impolite.

And breaches in etiquette make me want to...

Throw things.

Right, mi rey pequeños?

Do you want to know why I've never had children?

Because you'd eat them, and children are super fattening?

Children are inconvenient.

They complicate even the simplest things.

And they want, and they want.

And if you let them, they'll take everything you have.

This little milk ball was a mistake, a mistake that would end the career of a very promising politician.

I am here to correct that mistake.

You can help me, or you can try to stop me.

Which do you think would be better for the handsome man in your beautiful life?

Here you go.

You got to get that done.

Raylene.

Raylene?

Hi. I need to talk to you.

Oh, there is a q&a after the seminar.

I'm sure it'll answer all your questions.

No one is buying this sh*t.

I'll be just a minute, okay?

It's like the depression out there, all right?

Women are pinching their cheeks for blush.

Trannies... They're staining their lips with plum juice.

I cannot sell makeup when civilization is collapsing.

Oh, cee-cee.

Economic downturns are great for beauty.

Poor people wear the most makeup.

Well, then, they're stealing it because I can't move anything.

And it's celia.

Well, I'm not interesting in celia.

I am interested in cee-cee.

See, celia is a quitter.

But cee-cee... She sells a lifestyle.

Cee-cee sells self-esteem in small doses, a positive reflection in a floor-length mirror, confidence, happiness, sex.

Well, bully for cee-cee.

I am returning your sh*t product.

I will pay for what I used.

Hmm. Doesn't work that way.

You signed a contract, meaning you owe for what you have and you owe for the deliveries you'll be receiving for the next 12 months.

If you break the contract, if you do not pay what you owe, then you will go to jail for defrauding our company.

Is that what you want?

No, I will not go back there.

I will die first!

No, you will sell cosmetics first.

Oh, come on!

You just need to remind cee-cee that she is selling the you're pretty! Dream so that celia doesn't have to live the "you're ugly and behind bars" nightmare.

Who's pretty?

You're pretty!

I am the father of this child.

Not according to your dear friend pilar and the birth certificate.

She's just protecting my public image.

And she has a point.

Uh, wow.

Did you break an ankle backpedaling that fast?

She threatened our son, your son.

We can leave the father's name blank until after the election.

And then...

And then another election and another election and...

I will speak to her.

She was very clear.

Your name will not appear on that birth certificate.

They'll be no public record linking you to me, to your son.

I will not allow another man to sign this.

Then you sign it.

Tell that c**t to eat sh*t and die.

We'll live happily ever after. The end.

It's not that easy.

No.

Because she owns you.

But you love me.

And I love you, and...

I'll have cesar take this to the car.

No, that's okay. My family's coming.

I'll go with them.

Nancy, i...

Okay, then, mrs. Botwin.

I've got your discharge paperwork all set up for you.

Just need a few scribbles on a few dotted lines.

Hi, there.

Okay, I'll get you a wheelchair up here, and...

Oh, no. I don't, um...

I don't... I don't need a wheel... Thing, chair.

Oh, now, hospital policy, you know?

Did you get that birth-certificate form all filled out for me?

No.

Um, uh...

f*ck it.

Great.

Thank you, baby.

Why the hell should I help you?

You mean, as opposed to the many multinational corporations you represent?

Business has been just fine. Hmm.

Customers from the boba tea place next door have been wandering in here by accident?

Suck it.

Mr. Hodes, please help us.

We can't get our weed back without a court order.

My rate is $500 an hour.

That better include a rim job.

Look, when we're back in business, we'll lay a couple ounces on you.

f*ck you.

f*ck you, f*ck you, f*ck you.

And f*ck you.

Okay, I know what this is about.

You're pissed off because I did not cut you in on the pot club.

But that's just 'cause you're cursed with schmuckness.

Doug!

You're an assh*le.

Okay, look, hey, look, the truth of the matter is...

...you're cursed with schmuckness.

You want my help?

Is that what you want?

Fine. I will help you.

Oh, my gosh. Thank you!

After I slam his d*ck...

In this drawer.

Let's go. He's not gonna help.

No, no. I will.

Seriously.

But first... His d*ck, this drawer.

Slam.

And then we get the pot back? Guaranteed.

This is bullshit!

No, no, no, no. It's cool.

I can do this.

Are you out of your f*cking mind?

If I'm hard, it won't be so bad.

Give me a second.

Take your time.

In the meanwhile, silas, I need you to sign this power-of-attorney form.

Great.

I will go see the judge tomorrow.

Now...

Ready.

Right up in there.

You good? Okay, here we go.

1... 2...

Aah!

Wow!

Wow!

Nice job baby-proofing, shane.

Hey, I got the diapers just like you asked.

They're eco-friendly.

It got a name yet?

It's a he.

And for right now, he's still baby boy botwin.

Do you want to hold him? No.

He's your brother. Get used to it.

I thought you said it wasn't an "it."

Fine. Get used to him.

I got to... Take a f*cking shower.

He's kind of cute.

Who cares?

He's probably gonna want to play soccer.

I've come to reclaim my territory, super fly.

Ah!

You mean the piece of land that my grandmother left to my thieving father to whom I am now the closest living relative?

You in my house, lady!

Andy, I have a baby.

Oh, there's a lovely empty bedroom just across the hall.

With your name on it.

Funny you should say that.

What do you mean?

It means I just got an interesting call a little while ago from a lady at the hospital.

Phoned me to tell me about their new daddy classes and perhaps I should check them out.

I was, of course, confused, asked her if she had the right person.

"Is this andrew botwin?" Says she.

"Why, yes," I reply, as I usually do to that particular question.

So, riddle me this...

Why would some lady from the hospital you were just discharged from be under the impression that I'm a new daddy?

I couldn't put esteban's name on the birth certificate.

So you put my name on it.

Congratulations?

Yeah.

A little presumptuous, don't you think?

No. You're always talking about how you want to ca...

Carry on the botwin name.

Mazel tov. You're a father.

No, I'm not.

And I'm not signing a f*cking thing.

What's the big deal? It's a piece of paper!

It's not a piece of paper.

It's a f*ckin' birth certificate.

Ah. The kid's first i.d.

You want to make it a fake one.

Way to start him off on a life of crime.

Come on.

No, I'm through playing baby-daddy to your kids.

Andy, I don't have anybody else.

Ah.

Whose fault is that?

You got to get me out of this contract.

Is this thing scented?

Jesus, dean.

Isabel would like to go to college.

You can't be spending the last dime you have on weed.

Oh.

That belongs to a client.

This contract is signed, countersigned, and notarized.

Looks like you're f*cked.

No. Isn't there something you can do?

I can get you high.

No, I'm clean. Do you have any booze?

I got some scotch.

Don't... Come on. God.

Ahh.

So, tell me, who is this... Client?

I can't divulge privileged information.

But it rhymes with "drug" and "hilas."

Their "pop" club got "rusted,"

And they need to get their "shmarijuana"

Back from the "grolice."

Of course.

They have a roomful of "shmarijuana,"

And I have a roomful of you're pretty!

I'm so f*cked.

I sell a product that nobody wants.

And you...

You have all of this pot that belongs to f*cking assholes.

Hilas isn't an assh*le. He's a nice kid.

Oh, really? He is?

What did silas pay you for all of your valuable legal advice, dean?

I'm smokin' it.

Tell me something...

Are you a closer, or are you a loser?

I like to close drawers.

All right, well, close the drawer, then, and open your mind.

I could sell a lot more makeup if I give a free gift with purchase.

Oh, no.

I-i-i-i-i can't steal their weed.

Just tell them that you got ripped off by black people.

They won't buy that.

They will when they see the bruises.

What bruises?

Ohh!

Ow!

Putz.

You know, I admire you.

Go away.

This is my spot.

Despite the backwards nature of your convictions, you're tenacious.

And that bespeaks a certain something of something, so bravo.

Hey, wait. What side are you on?

I'm on the side of sticking to one's g*ns!

I finally said no to her.

Oh, god, the wave of relief that washed over me, weird protester guy.

I'm buoyant.

I'm a buoy.

Ahh! Bluebirds on my shoulders.

Andy?

How's nancy? Is the baby okay?

Baby m*rder*r!

25 Feet, gayle.

Baby's fine.

1,000 Suns in those chubby cheeks.

You're wearing armor.

Well, you can never be too careful.

And you're smoking.

Sometimes you can be too careful.

Can I help you with something?

I, uh...

You want to go out?

I'll buy you dinner. I shaved.

When?

Just now. Just right before I came.

No. When do you want to go out?

Oh.

Tonight.

Pick me up here at 7:00.

How will I know your car?

It has a distinctive horn.

You're in the cross hairs of the righteous!

Ignore the dark warnings at your own peril!

Take a claritin, gayle.

Today's pollen count is off the charts.

I'll get that.

I'll see you at 7:00.

Yes.

She likes me.

She's gonna burn in hell for all of eternity.

Well, I'd rather laugh with the sinners, gayle.

For now.

Lupita. Thank you.

Good timing.

William morris just merged with endeavor.

And mr. Kaplan... Out on his ass.

Look like a dive bar.

Yeah, I haven't had time to redecorate.

So, where's my bedroom?

We're a little short on bedrooms.

Uh, upstairs. Upstairs.

Your bedroom's upstairs. I'm sleeping on the couch.

I had my last baby when I was 52.

The women in my family bleed forever.

Wow.

How old are you? 37.

So, the baby... One-night stand?

A little more complicated than that.

Maybe he leave his wife.

Even more complicated.

Good to see you, nancy.

You pay me cash. You feed me.

I no work on sundays or when "secretos houston" is on tv.

Done. No cleaning. No laundry.

Just baby.

Done.

I like it.

This is nice.

Ocean.

Maybe I start surfing again.

Dios mio, shane!

So tall!

Hi, lupita.

You surf, too? No.

I teach you. Okay.

Surfing lessons extra.

Of course they are.

Oh!

Um, oregon?

Yeah.

And then west germany.

Mm-hmm.

And then uruguay.

You?

Tarzana.

And then the other side of tarzana.

Hmm.

What did you want to be when you were a kid?

Jane goodall. You?

A dog.

This is fun. I'm having fun.

Um... It's getting kind of late.

I think I should go soon.

What?

Haven't even gotten our combo platos yet.

Are you feeling okay?

Yeah, I'm... I'm great.

I, uh... Just considering my options for the rest of the evening.

And right now my pj's and the "friday night lights" box set is winning hands down.

We're having a great date. What's wrong?

Nutshell?

I'm past you.

Past me in what? In life.

Look, andy, I know there are plenty of girls that would be dazzled by $2 taco night at borracho's and the fact that you can balance the saltshaker on the bridge of your nose.

But, honestly, you lost me about 15 minutes in.

This is stunning.

I'm stunned.

Stunned? Really?

You're unemployed.

You're closer to 40 than 30.

You drive a car from a tv show.

And your greatest recent accomplishment was b*ating the upside-down k*ll screen in ms. Pac-man.

I didn't b*at it. I just got to it.

d*ed almost immediately.

The thing's upside down.

You're a frozen margarita, andy.

Well, I happen to like slushy beverages, you know?

And I'm a doctor.

Wow.

Okay.

Fine. You're a doctor.

I play doctor.

Um, why did you even agree to go out with me?

'Cause my mother always said that, "if they feed you, go."

But I'm starting to realize my mother gave me lots of bad advice.

Thank you for the drink.

Well, uh...

I-i'll drive you home.

No, it's all right.

I'll find my own way, preferably in a car where the doors open.

Good night, andy.

This baby sleep too much.

It probably just wants to wake up when it's all over.

Oh, sh*t.

Now I'm calling it an "it."

"Him" an "it." "Him" a "him."

I need to name this baby.

I go surf now.

I like bernardo, like in "west side story."

Bernardo botwin.

I'll think about it.

Bernardo? He gets k*lled by tony.

If you sign the birth certificate, he'd be andy jr.

That's what I call my penis.

Wait, no, god!

I need to stop playing doctor and be a doctor.

What?

Ugh.

I want to do this. I want to be the father.

Really?! Really.

Yay! But I mean really, really.

If my name is on this child's birth certificate, then I will be its father.

And we will raise it together.

Him. Him.

50% Ownership. Half the voting shares.

And I'm on the bimah at the bar mitzvah.

Oh, he's jewish now?

Reform, but yeah.

And just so you know, I'm not doing this for you.

This is for me.

I want something that matters in my life.

I want to be a substantial human being.

You know what I mean? Substantial.

Yeah.

Substantial.

Ooh, he's substantially wet.

I think you should change him, papa.

Uh...

All right.

What's up?

All right, come on, little buddy.

Let's see what you're packing downstairs.

Mm-hmm.

Let's see what's going on down here.

I know it.

Whoa!

Bun's still on the hot dog.

Oh, right, that. I got to take care of that.

Next checkup.

Checkup? No, no, no, no, no.

A briss with a mohel and a rabbi.

Yeah, bagels and whitefish. Those are my demands.

Demands?

That's right. 'Cause I'm the papa.

I'm the papa.

Yes.

Tradition.

Oy.

Ohh.

Who are all these people?

The rabbi brought them.

Apparently, you need 10 jews to watch him lose his d*ck head or it's not official.

Ohh.

That's it. Mazel tov.

Let's name this baby and eat.

Nice work, rabbi.

Well, thank you. I've been at it a while.

What do you practice on?

Goyim.

I think it's a barbaric ritual.

Well, it represents a covenant between our people and god.

It decreases pleasure.

Paid for my summer house.

Oh, excuse me.

Oh, will you look at this.

A professional woman, a doctor no less, playing a juvenile video game.

It's just so immature... For a doctor.

I had no idea this game was so awesome.

So, clearly, you're open to looking beyond first impressions.

I didn't say that.

Aw, damn, I just d*ed.

You are here 'cause you like me, aren't you?

I'm here because nancy invited me.

And I am fascinated by how this is all gonna play out with the gangster baby-daddy.

I'm obsessed with the drama.

Mm-hmm.

You were mean.

I was honest. That's not mean.

It was harsh. It was a snap judgment.

I'm almost inclined to not ask you out again just to show you how wrong you are about me.

Almost? Almost.

Almost.

All right.

Whitefish?

Dimes go in the lipsticks.

Eighths go in the compacts.

Half ounces in the eye-shadow kit.

This is exciting.

When are you gonna break the news to doug and silas?

I'm working up to that.

Well, you better do it soon before that swelling goes down.

You fractured my cheekbone.

There's some old gym equipment in the garage.

I've been lifting.

You look good.

Thank you.

From a drawer?

That's right.

Can you fix it or not?

Go see a doctor.

I don't have any insurance.

I've been taping it to a popsicle stick, and it's turning blue.

Try cherry.

What are you looking at?

I did not approve this.

Now he looks like his daddy.

Yeah.

And you, too, from what I hear. But slightly smaller.

My son is not jewish.

Oh, yeah, he is now.

It's an ancient and scholarly religion.

Disproportionate numbers of nobel prize winners.

Meet my son... Avi melech.

That's his hebrew name.

"Avi" means "my father."

"Melech"... The king.

That's my boy.

In english, it's steven ray botwin.

Stevie ray.

Would you like a bagel with whitefish?

Nancy...

I'm gonna have to speak with you privately.

This is unacceptable.

My son, our son, will be baptized by a priest in a church.

Sorry, he's jewish.

Snip, snip.

Eat fish. Start saving for law school.

I am his father.

I choose his life.

You had your chance to choose.

You walked out.

I have to think about the baby now.

You think about yourself.

Don't pretend that's a mother's love.

This from the man who refused to put his name on his own son's birth certificate!

My son's not gonna be raised by that pendejo!

That pendejo sticks around.

He fights for what he loves.

And he's not a coward.

Get out. Okay.

Get out. Okay.

My son won't grow up to be like you.

He won't see you.

He won't know you.

He is mine.

No, you lost him.