05x11 - Ducks and Tigers

[bunniefuu]

Previously on "weeds"...

Mom?

That b*llet was meant for me, wasn't it?

You owe me, and you hurt my kid.

You're never getting hurt again. I promise you.

You should be worrying about stevie ray.

He's just a baby.

Baby m*rder*r! 25 Feet, gayle.

Please help us.

We can't get our weed back without a court order.

I will help you.

But first... His d*ck, this drawer.

I can do this.

Raylene reynolds... You're pretty! Cosmetics.

Nice to meet you.

I can sell a lot more makeup if I give a free gift.

I can't steal their weed.

Ohh! Ow! Putz.

I've got a crooked d*ck, and there's no pot?

Pilar: this little milk ball was a mistake that would end the career of a very promising politician.

I am here to correct that mistake.

I have been replaced as candidate for governor.

Pilar zuazo.

I want her dead.

Ohh!

Nancy: in your face.

She's f*cking on fire.

Four points!

Yeah.

The newlyweds are annoying.

Weren't lawn darts banned?

When you boys are finished crying, it's your turn.

He's taunting us.

Shane: he's trying to act like a father.

Fathers taunt.

When we went jogging, dad told me I was so slow, stephen hawking could b*at me in a footrace.

Then he collapsed, puked twice, and d*ed.

So who's the better jogger now?

I'm sorry I didn't give you a proper wedding.

Well, it was perfect. Thank you for marrying me.

No, thank you for marrying me, and thank you for encouraging me about the election.

f*ck pilar. We're gonna win.

Throw already, you girls!

Adelita: hey, what's wrong with girls?

Hey!

Whoa. Who's that?

Nancy, this is adelita.

Our stepsister.

Adelita. Wow. Hi. Wow.

Of course, you forgot I was coming.

My brain. I'm sorry.

Uh, adelita is in from paris to look at colleges.

How are your sisters? Your mom?

Très bien.

So... You're married.

Oh.

Ah.

Congratulations.

So, uh, why is my room decorated like a hospital, hmm?

Waitress: all right. There you are.

T-this is wrong.

I'm sorry?

I ordered goat cheese.

This is ricotta.

You can tell because it's disgusting and flavorless, and it's cow, not goat.

Cows go "moo." Goats go "baa."

Sheep go "baa."

Shut the f*ck up, sheep, and bring me the right cheese.

I just att*cked a waitress, raylene.

I'm back.

You know, in my whole time at you're pretty!, I have never seen anyone ascend so fast and with such thrust.

I'm just getting started.

I am doing a major push as soon as I square away some new product.

Well, hot damn!

I am wetter than a slaughterhouse floor.

You're funny.

Yeah, I'm not kidding.

Oh.

Lupita, I haven't pumped.

Are you giving him formula?

Sí.

Lupita, I'm breast-feeding.

Two people give you different directions.

One, white woman from suburb, the other, giant, scary mexican drug kingpin.

Who you listen to?

There he is.

Did you tell lupita to give the baby formula?

Yes.

I'm breast-feeding. You know this.

Peasants breast-feed.

Peasants? Yeah.

First of all, it's better for the baby.

Actually, some studies suggest that the toxins you've ingested in your life will come out in your breast milk.

Esteban: hmm.

I should unpack.

A politician's wife.

Let the servants feed the baby.

No.

No more formula. Baby... Booby.

I mean it.

All right. As you wish, mi amor.

Don't you have to be 25 feet away, gayle?

Not from you. What are you doing here?

Pap smear.

Audra: okay, before I climb in that car, you should know that one phone call and assurances that you've cut all ties from nancy doesn't mean that...

You un-welded the door.

Bye, gayle.

Fornicators!

Read me back what we got so far.

"Doug and dean's big list of ways to get revenge on that thieving, deceitful whore, celia."

Mm-hmm.

That's it.

Okay.

You need to be typing everything I say.

My ideas are golden.

Sorry.

Number one, tell her she won some sh*t, and then there's no sh*t.

Embarrassing!

Number two, we slip some spider goats under her door.

What the f*ck are spider goats?

Part goat, part spider.

Their milk has kevlar webs. Look it up.

So, they're like these tiny little goats?

No, they're big goats with spider genes.

How the f*ck do we get them under the door?

Good point.

Number three.

We kick her in the twat.

We suck at this.

This is why we can't strategize good, dean... Pot.

If we're going into battle, we have to have a clear head.

Yeah, but we love pot.

Do you think ulysses s. Grant was stoned when he won world w*r i?

Or gore, when he b*at global warming?

We're going into battle with a formidable opponent.

We have to be our very best.

Then we can f*ck that bitch up good so she stays f*cked up.

So for now, we back off the weed.

How do you have a cellphone?

I always got the newest sh*t.

What, you want me to hook you up?

No. I'm in the middle of a contract.

Those f*ckers tried to give me a hard time, too, so I had a friend visit the call center up in burnsville, minnesota.

You should mention my name, asked for bill sondergaard.

He'll be the one that sounds like he's talking through a broken jaw.

Does this mean you're gonna help me with my little problem?

See, now, about that.

Pilar zuazo... She's manny ramirez.

You a peewee-league pitcher.

Got to wonder, what the f*ck you doing on the mound?

I get it. You can't do sh*t. You're locked up.

Don't get it twisted, mami. I'm still working.

I'm just telecommuting for now.

Well, can you do it or not?

I don't know. Depends if you can help me out.

Help get my case transferred to mexico.

See, that tunnel that you shut down...

Nasty rumor.

It spanned two countries.

Thanks to you, the last of the american agents who could testify as to which side I was standing on...

He's dead now.

So?

So I need someone with high-level mexi-juice to help get my case transferred down there.

And then what?

Then I'm david blaine in mexico.

I slide under doors in mexico.

How do I know you're not gonna come after me?

Blanca, we're like one of those youtube videos...

You know, where a tiger and a duck get all confused.

They, um, become friends.

And, you know, it seems okay, but you never really know, do you?

God, I hated anatomy.

Memorizing all 206 bones in the body is not easy.

Wow, your hands feel good.

That's my fibula.

See? I still got it.

Oh, yeah.

What was I saying?

Wonderful, interesting things.

That's my tibia.

Okay. Silence.

But I was gonna tell you about my year in yemen.

Yemen can wait.

Patella.

Mm-hmm.

Okay, audra.

I mean andy. Andy.

I just called you "audra." I know.

Femur.

Trochanter.

Femoral neck.

Femoral head.

Oh, god.

Mm.

Okay. No, no, no, no.

This is what I do.

So just you lay back.

This is embarrassing.

Never mind.

Look, I've been single for a while, so my, uh, battery-powered helpers have made it difficult... Mm.

That didn't sh**t out of you, right?

It's gayle. He must have followed us. f*ck.

Whoa, he brought some friends.

Holy... God!

Let's call the police. It's no use.

I knew it was a bad idea having you pick me up.

Gayle has a thing for me.

If you love something, throw tomatoes at it.

Oh, now I'm gonna have to move again.

Seriously?

I'm always moving.

They find out where I live, and I move again.

They're dangerous, andy.

Why don't you stay with me while you figure out your next move?

What? No, I can't.

I got a big house. You'd get your own room.

Me and the general got you into this, so...

Just... W-why don't you think about it, okay?

What are you doing?

If you don't climax, the t*rrorists win.

Can't let that happen.

A baja federal judge is holding that up.

Well, can you ask him to un-hold it?

You should not have been visiting guillermo garcia gomez in jail.

We have a history.

I'd come and visit you, too, smuggle in gold chains, shiny shirts.

Well, hi, honey. Can I make you something?

Do you know how to make beer?

You're not having any more beer.

That was a special occasion. You got sh*t.

I know. I'm kidding.

Like it or not, we all have to work together now.

It's for our own safety.

Why don't you stick to breast-feeding?

Well, f*ck you. Just do it.

Good.

And you can't k*ll him.

If anyone gets hurt, I'm telling esteban how you tried to sh**t me, and his heart will break all over you.

I'm good at k*lling.

No k*lling. Life's a drag.

Oh. Come on.

Big baby.

Chuga, chuga, chuga, chuga, chuga, chuga.

Choo-choo!

Seriously, tell me why we're really here, or I'm leaving.

Well, now that I'm a giant success, I want to pamper myself.

And I want to extend the pampering experience to my child, whose company I enjoy.

She'll take a bottle of the sebastian shaper spray, 'cause she's my salon buddy.

Wait. Fine, fine. Fine.

I want to apologize.

When you told me you were gay...

I didn't react well.

You told me you would take my rug-munching ass to reparative therapy.

Well, that was old mommy. I'm new mommy.

New mommy is a nice mommy.

Anyway, I thought that maybe you could, you know, tell me a little bit about it... About being lesbionic.

You know, what do you do?

I don't know.

I've only done the... The kissing part.

Was that weird... Kissing a girl?

Is it soft?

Is it good soft, like a puppy?

Or is it bad soft, like rotten fruit?

Oh, god.

Oh, am I gonna have to get a strap-on?

No, no, no. No, no, no!

I was just thinking about it. You cannot take this away from me!

Don't be silly. I'm not taking anything... It's all that I have!

Don't be so selfish!

Mommy's lonely.

You know, there's this woman out there right now who thinks that I am the cat's meow.

Cat, p*ssy.

Already doing the l*zzie humor.

You're not gay, mom.

Well, what if I am?

There was that tracy chapman song that I liked.

New mommy is still a hateful bitch.

Come on.

I thought maybe it would bring us closer, you know?

Here you go.

What about you?

You ever... Gone down to girly town?

Hi.

Hi.

Uh, I left clean sheets and towels on your bed.

Thanks. This looks amazing.

Mm.

Mm, mm.

Oh, god.

Ahh! Holy crap!

I mean, what were you doing?

It felt like there were eight of you.

What was it?

Trade secret. Can't tell you.

Do it again.

No... Okay. Yes, please.

Oh, god, my head. Throw me the aspirin.

You've had like 14 already. You'll ruin your kidneys.

f*ck my kidneys.

What did those assholes ever do for me?

And I swear, if you tell me they clean my poop or whatever stupid sh*t they do, I will k*ll you.

I will. I will k*ll your face off.

Then have some food, at least.

Food is stupid.

Just read me what else we have up there.

We have nothing.

Everything is lame.

Have my feet always been this huge?

Jesus christ!

It's like I'm a clown in a circus!

My dad took me to the circus once when I was 6 years old.

And backstage, the ringmaster touched my tent pole.

Dean: what?

Where did that come from?

I don't know.

Why am I remembering that now?

I don't want to remember that.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.

No. Doug, what about our plan?

Being sober is bullshit. You stay sober.

Uh, f*ck that.

Then we get stoned in shifts.

One of us will stay sober, and the other will smoke.

And then we'll switch.

B-b-but what if one of us has a really great idea, and the other one is too stoned to get it?

Well, then...

We'll write each other notes, like "memento."

God damn it, show me what you were doing.

No.

Here... You're doing something to that, right?

I don't even know what that is.

That there? Oh, no.

I'm gonna address that later.

Actually, you know what?

I'm gonna address that right now.

Oh. Hey, adelita.

I was just heading for a night swim.

You want to join me? Big pool.

Uh, thanks, but I'm reading.

What are you reading?

It's, uh, milan kundera, "the book of laughter and forgetting."

So that's like a self-help thing?

Uh...

Sort of.

Who are you reading now?

Uh, I'm between books right now.

Can you recommend something you've really enjoyed?

I'll make you a list.

Oh. Cool. Thanks.

And, hey, welcome to the villa.

I grew up here.

Oh.

Welcome home, then.

Thanks. Enjoy your swim.

Adelita.

Oh, hello, nancy.

You know, I'm just gonna come out and say this.

Um, silas can be very charming.

But he's still a guy, and you're in high school.

My lover is 32 years old. He's a journalist.

Your boy is not a dangerous temptation for me.

So no need to worry.

How's my little brother tonight?

Uh, being a stubborn gus. He won't latch.

He probably likes the formula.

Well, formula doesn't come out of my boob, so he's out of luck.

Okay.

You know, we don't really know each other.

Why don't we go to lunch or...

That's sweet of you, nancy, but I'm not terribly invested in my father's love life.

Thanks anyway.

This is amazing. What am I eating?

Grilled flank steak with red chard, currants, and homemade harissa.

I think I just came again.

I love this peach fuzz.

I'm flawed. I have a pelt.

You are perfect, 'cause you're flesh and blood and organs and bones, and you can name all of them.

You're so cool.

Well, you cook like a m*therf*cker.

Oh, f*ck.

He won't nurse.

Your fault.

You try putting tequila on your tetas?

Frank, vittachi will show you out.

There's breast milk in the freezer.

Give him a bottle.

And no tequila on the nipple!

It's nancy!

Oh, I love this woman.

The people have spoken.

La paz, tecate, ensenada, loreto...

Everywhere, they support esteban reyes for governor of estado libre y soberano de baja california.

Big, handsome governor.

Oh, yes.

Mm. Cesar, another drink.

The american political strategists think they can get some real money running in... Clean money.

Hear that sound?

What sound?

Pilar zuazo crying.

I am reborn. ¿Donde esta mi hija?

Where is my daughter?

Oh.

I hear silas tried to hit on her.

Why... Why... Why is that so funny to you?

He's not, uh, exactly in her division.

League, I think you mean. League.

W-why is he not in her league?

Uh, you want our children to be involved with each other?

No, i-i'm just surprised you'd be so...

Dismissive of my son.

No, no. He's a nice, simple boy.

Adelita has a stick up her ass.

I hope so.

I sent her to france to get that stick there.

Now adelita speaks three languages and is going to stanford or berkeley in a year.

You kept your boys close to you, no matter what you were involved in.

Who made the better choice?

I hope cesar feels like cuddling tonight.

What?

Governor of the sofa bed.

Wait. What?

Na... ¿Qué dije?

Cesar?

So...

That was fun, shopping... Trying on clothes...

Buying some.

That's, uh, what we did.

So...

Strap-on...

How does that work?

Don't worry, honey.

We'll get to that.

Oh, hi.

What are you doing in here?

I was looking for gauze.

I needed to change my bandage.

Oh, hey, well, why don't I help you?

Okay.

Is that... Is that okay?

Yeah. Are you all right?

Yeah.

I didn't think anyone was in here.

There are like seven bathrooms in this house.

You just don't want adelita to know that you sh*t.

Shut up.

Nasty.

You're reading a book?

Yeah. So?

Can you hurry up, please?

Light in here sucks.

I'll do the rest myself.

Spider goats!

Damn it. It was your shift.

Bullshit. It was your shift.

Jesus. Clean yourselves up.

D-do I have something on my face, sweetie?

You two idiots want to get back at mom, right?

Yeah. All right, then.

Let's do this right.

Don't worry. I'll sleep in the guest room.

When stevie's old enough, I want him to go far away from here.

There will be nothing to run from.

I can b*at pilar's clown.

I f*cked up my kids.

We'll fix them.

I've been reading about formula, and I've changed my mind.

You should feed him from your body, keep him close.

Well, he doesn't want my milk anyway.

Maybe adelita's right. Maybe I'm... Toxic.

Sweetheart, you're not toxic.

You're his mother.

Come here.

We will be patient, and he'll take your milk again.

Look.

The consultants set up a twitter for me to connect with the people.

I already have 3,000 followers.

We're opening my campaign office in tijuana tomorrow.

Would you come?

Oh, look. Govlover22 thinks you're hotter than gavin newsom.

Well, what can I say? The people have spoken.

Cesar: I did what you asked.

Bueno.

The federal judge.

Already?

You didn't hurt him?

No, he found himself the subject of potentially embarrassing photos.

Is that a... A pig?

Javelina. It's like a pig.

I... Admire the originality.

He'll push the transfer through.

He can win this.

We can b*at pilar's man.

Look at him.

This is what he's meant to be doing.

Yes, it is.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.

Esteban reyes...

It's okay.