04x04 - Archie and the Kiss

[bunniefuu]

♪ Boy, the way
Glenn Miller played ♪

♪ Songs that made
The hit parade ♪

♪ Guys like us
We had it made ♪

♪ Those were the days ♪

♪ And you knew
Where you were then ♪

♪ Girls were girls
And men were men ♪

♪ Mister, we could use a man
Like Herbert Hoover again ♪

♪ Didn't need
No welfare state ♪

♪ Everybody pulled
His weight ♪

♪ Gee, our old LaSalle
Ran great ♪

♪ Those were the days ♪

[HUMMING]

Oh, Mike!
There you are.

Thanks, Ma.
But what was that for?

It's Henry Mancini's
birthday.

Uh, Ma--

What--? What was that
about Henry Mancini?

Well, he wrote the song
"Moon River."

♪ Moon River-- ♪
Yeah. I know.

♪ Wider than a mile-- ♪
Ma, I know the song.

I know the song. What was that
about his birthday, though?

Well, years ago,
when that song first came out,

it was summer,
and very hot,

and Archie came home
one day and he said,

"Edith, I'm taking you
on the town tonight.

"We're going to
the Radio City Music Hall

"and then to Schraft's
for a banana split.

We're sh**t'
the works."

Ma, wait!

Ma, wait a second.
Let me get this straight.

years ago, you went
to Radio City Music Hall

and then you had
a banana split.

What does that
have to--?

Archie was in such
a good mood that night.

And the stage show
at the Music Hall!

The Rockettes were all dressed
up like poor little street kids,

except they had
high heels.

You take that.

Yeah.
Uh, Ma-- Ma!

Wait a second.

I'm still waiting
for Henry Mancini.

Well, that was the picture
at the Music Hall,

Breakfast at Tiffany's,

and the song in the picture
was "Moon River."

Oh.

BOTH:
By Henry Mancini.

And then, when Archie
and me got home,

Gloria's radio
was playing "Moon River."

And we heard it as we was
walking up the stairs

and we started
humming it together,

and Archie kissed me.

Oh!

[GIGGLES]

Excuse me.

That was the best part of one of
the best days in my whole life.

And all because of
Henry Mancini.

Yeah.

And the whole night
came back to me

when I was reading
in Ed Sullivan's column

that today is
Henry Mancini's birthday.

Oh, yes.

Oh, I just love
my family.

[LAUGHS]

We love you
too, Ma.

Oh, I just can't wait
for everybody to get home.

I hope Archie's
in a good mood.

Do you have to
slam the door like that?

Gee, I hate that!
I really hate that!

Listen, Meathead,

when I come home
after a hard day's work,

that means I've been
working hard all day.

Why?
So I can make money.

To buy things,
like a house.

And on that house is a door,
which I also bought.

Why?

So as when I come home
after a hard day's work,

I got something
to slam after me.

Hello, Archie.
How was your day?

Does that answer
your question?

Oh, yeah.
I guess so.

Would it make you feel
any better if I told you

that today
is Henry Mancini's birthday?

Now could we have dinner
on the table?

Yeah. Right away.

Gotta warn you, Arch.

It's not good
to hide your feelings.

If something's bothering you,
you gotta let it out.

I'd like to let you out
an upstairs window.

[KNOCKING ON DOOR]

Go answer the door.
Yeah, I'll get it.

I'm coming.
Coming.

Michael,
look what I have.

Hey, that's
The Kiss.

Yeah! Don't you just--?
Isn't it great?

Michael, please move
the elephant.

Yeah, yeah.
Sure.

Where'd that
come from?

Oh, look!
Rodin's The Kiss.

Don't you just love it?
Yeah, it's beautiful.

Where did you get it?
Don't you really love it?

I love it. But where--?

Michael, why aren't you
as excited as I am?

I'm excited. I'm excited!
Look! Ha-ha-ha-ha!

See? That's happy.

I just want to know
where it came from.

Oh, Irene Lorenzo
gave it to me. It's ours!

Just like that?

You know how I always
flipped over the statue?

Yeah.

Well, I was over there
admiring it again

and Irene Lorenzo said,

"Gee, Gloria, if you admire it
that much, take it. It's yours."

Isn't it fabulous?
Sensational.

Next time,
admire their stereo set.

Hi, Gloria!

Oh, hi, Ma.

I'm so happy
to see you.

Ma, look what
I got.

Oh, my!

Ain't that the same statue
as the Lorenzos have?

Yeah, Ma,
and Irene gave it to me.

You like it?

Oh, yeah.

You don't see people
kissing on statues much.

I guess that's because they're
always sitting on horses.

And speaking of kissing...

Oh. Gee, Ma,
you're sure happy today.

That's because I love you and I
love Mike and I love your father

and it's Henry Mancini's
birthday.

Huh?

You tell her about it, Mike.
I gotta get the salad.

Oh, okay.
Tell me.

Never mind.
It's a long story.

Just get on the couch.
What?

Just do what I tell you.
Get on the couch.

Okay.

Put your leg
over here.

Oh, I get it.

Take your left arm, put it
around my neck here, like that.

Yeah. That's it.
All right.

You ready?
Yeah.

Go.
Mmm!

Wait a second. There's something
missing. Something's not right.

Ah! I got it.

They're naked. We gotta
take our clothes off.

Michael!

Give me a kiss.

Mmm!

After three years
of marriage,

he's still after her
like a hamburger.

Hi, Daddy.

Wait. Wait.

Never mind
the "Hi, Daddy."

What is this
piece of filth here

doing on my coffee table?

Filth?

Arch, that's
a great reproduction.

I don't want no reproducting
on my coffee table.

What is wrong with
this statue?

It's naked
and I hate it.

I have never seen anybody

get so uptight
about the naked body.

Listen, little girl,

there's a time and a place
for naked, you know?

But this thing here,

that can only be
a fountain in a men's room.

Oh, Daddy,
how can you say that

about a statue
that expresses pure love?

What's pure about two
little naked people on a rock?

You're always
quoting the Bible.

What about Adam and Eve?
They were naked.

They probably sat on
lots of rocks.

Don't talk like
an ignorosis, will you?

Let me tell you
something.

Back in the days
when God started making people,

he didn't know how naked
was gonna look on them.

And when he found out, he didn't
like what he seen there,

and he told people
to put clothes on them

and never to take them off
again in public.

Idiot!

You know something,
Arch?

I wish that you had a zipper
in the back of your head

that I could open up,
put my hands in there

and massage some sense
into your brains.

Get away
from me.

Who are you to judge
what's dirty?

Even the Supreme Court
copped out on that.

They left the interpretation
of what's obscene

to local standards.

And they were right.

And this is my house
and I'm the local standard.

I want that thing
the hell outta here.

Where'd you get it anyway?
In some porno shop?

No, it is not from
a porno shop.

It is a gift to me
from Irene Lorenzo

and I am not
giving it back.

Oh, Irene Lorenzo,

the queen of the women's
lubrication movement.

What's she trying to do,
wharf your mind,

bringing in garbage
like that?

I am not standing around

to hear a tasteless person,
even if he is my father,

insult a great work
of art!

I told you
I want it outta here.

Dinner in
two minutes!

I'm gonna
wash up.

I'll help you, Ma.
Outta here!

I want that statue
to stay right where it is.

Out.
Do you hear me?

I repeat, I want it
to stay right where it is.

This is my house too, you know,

and that means that I have
some rights around here.

You do know that, don't you?
I have rights. I do!

For talking to your father like
that, you may leave this room.

[DOORBELL RINGS]

That wife of yours
has a mouth on her

bigger than
her whole body.

I wonder where
she inherited it.

Do me a favor, will you,
and shut up.

I haven't said
a word yet.

Well, look
who's here.

Frank Lorenzo,
the prince of pepperoni.

I'm sorry, Arch.
I can't stay long.

I just brought this recipe
for Edith.

Yeah, well,
she's in the kitchen.

Oh-ho! Whoa, whoa, whoa!
What have we got here?

The Kiss.

We've got a reproduction
just like that at our house.

No, you got one
just like that in our house.

What?

Your wife Irene gave that statue
to my daughter Gloria.

My wife Irene gave that statue--
Gave that statue--

To your daughter Gloria?
To my daughter Gloria.

Without asking me?

She just--

You mean Irene didn't ask you?
No.

That's my favorite
statue.

That's my Kiss. My Kiss.
I want my Kiss.

Oh. Oh, Frank,
you're gonna get your Kiss.

I think Irene only loaned
that statue to Gloria.

In fact, I think I heard
mention made of that.

Here. Why don't you
take it?

If it's a loan, keep it a while
longer if you really like it.

I really like it better
at your house.

Okay.

Give this recipe
to Edith.

Yeah, sure.
I'll give it to her.

Yeah.

You know, Arch,
you really surprise me.

I didn't think you'd go in
for this kind of stuff.

Oh, sure.

I'm a statue fan
from way back.

I couldn't love statues more
if I was a pigeon.

I'll see you, Arch.
Yeah, Frank. Yeah.

ARCHIE: And give our thanks
to Irene

for loaning us
that statue, huh?

FRANK:
Okay, Archie.

Yeah. Arrivederci.

Oh, hi.

Uh, that was Frank Lorenzo
just come and left.

I could see that.

And you gave him my statue
too, didn't you?

Well, the man came in here

and he said that, uh,
the statue was only a loan

and he wanted it back,
so he took it away.

That's a lie.

Oh-ho, well,
I don't have to stand here

and listen to
talk like that.

Oh, yes, you do. I love
that statue and so does Michael!

It was our first
real piece of art.

What's going on
in here?

What's going on in here
is your daughter standing here

calling her father a liar.

Gloria, you shouldn't talk
to your father that way.

Yes, I should.
He took something that I love.

Well, that ain't lying.
That's stealing.

Will you
stifle?

Don't help me
explain nothing, huh?

I got something to say to you,
little girl,

so you listen to me.

No, you listen to me.
No, I will not.

I am never gonna
listen to you again

and you're never gonna
have the opportunity

to listen to me again either

because I am never going to
speak to you again, never, ever!

Glo-- Gloria!
Archie!

Please don't fight!
Not on Henry Mancini's birthday!

I'm sorry, Ma,
but I am not talking to him

and I may never
talk to him again.

What?
Oh, Gloria!

No, don't go up
to your room!

Gloria!

What's wrong?

What's wrong is
your wife, my daughter,

was standing here,
calling me a liar.

And your mother-in-law,
my wife,

was standing here,
letting her get away with it.

And now, there they are, up
the stairs with the two of them.

Does this mean
we don't eat?

Gloria, pass me over
the ketchup.

I says, Gloria,
pass me over the ketchup.

Get your hands off
the ketchup, Edith.

I'll ask you
one more time, Gloria.

Pass me over
the ketchup.

All right, Edith,

you may pass me over
the ketchup.

I wanna tell you something,
little girl.

You ain't hurting me with this
here silent treatment, you know?

Of course, you're putting
your mother in misery.

Look at the face
on her.

Can't you show a little respect
for your mother, huh?

Be a little nice
to your mother?

Edith, what is this crapola
you're giving me?

It's a French dish,
Archie.

It's called
potatoes au gratin.

I don't care
what you call it.

Do you realize you spilled
cheese in the potatoes?

Oh, no. The cheese
is supposed to be there.

The recipe
called for it.

Are you telling me
that somebody wrote in a book

that you're supposed to
put cheese in my potatoes?

There you go again.

Anything that
you haven't seen before,

anything that's a little bit
different, you're against.

Before you were against
French art,

now you're against
French cooking.

Let me tell you this.

Pbbbbt to the French.

I'll tell you
something else

about the French there,
wise guy.

You know why they lost
World w*r II?

Because when the Krauts
was marching into their country,

the French was running around
naked, putting up dirty statues

and throwing cheese
in their potatoes.

But, Archie, how did the Germans
know they was French

if they didn't have
no clothes on?

They knew
they was French, Edith,

because they had cheese
all over them.

Hi.

What do you mean, "hi"?

Where you been?
It's : .

Oh, I'm sorry, Frank.
Were you worried?

You bet
I was worried.

My cheese soufflé has to
come out of the oven at : .

Well, I mentioned that
to the bus driver,

but he didn't seem
very impressed.

Ha, ha, ha!

Very funny.

What's in the box?

It's a present for Gloria.

From both of us.

You gave Gloria
another present?

There you go.
You're doing it again.

How can you give Gloria
a gift from us

without asking me?

Me is half of us.

I didn't think
you'd mind.

I mind!

Well, it's just kind of
a peace offering.

Well, it's not my fault that
that house is in uproar.

My favorite
piece of sculpture,

and you give it to Gloria
without asking me.

You never ask me anything.

Come on, Frank!

What's
the big deal?

I know you.

If you'd seen Gloria's face
when she looked at that statue,

you'd have given it
to her yourself.

Naturally, if I'd
have seen her face.

But I didn't
see her face.

You didn't ask me
to see her face.

But that's not
the point.

The point is that you never
ask me about anything.

You give my statue to Gloria
without asking me,

you give her a gift
without asking me,

you plan a trip for us
to Cleveland without asking me.

Well, don't you want to
go see your sons?

Of course I do.
Okay. When?

That's up to you.

Up to me?

You really are something,
you know that?

How am I supposed to know
what things I should ask

and what things
I shouldn't ask?

Just ask me.

You're crazy, Frank.
You know that?

How does anyone talk to
a raving Italian?

"Raving Italian." There it is.
It all comes out in the open.

After all these years.
What?

Oh, they told me. They told me
before we got married.

They said, "You marry
somebody who's Irish,

"and someday you'll get into
an argument with her

and she's gonna say,
'Aha! Wop!'"

I didn't say
"Wop"!

I didn't even say
"Aha!"

But you were thinking
"Aha!"

And when you're
thinking "Aha!"

can "Wop" be
far behind?

Gloria out there
in the living room?

No. She's
upstairs.

Good. Now get over here, because
I got something to show you.

Got a little present here
for Gloria.

Oh! You bought something
for Gloria?

Yeah, you know, kind of
make it up to her, huh?

And because she's so crazy
about statues,

I got this one here.

This is something

that she can love
and we can all enjoy.

See?
Oh, yeah.

That sure is
something.

Ain't that nice?

Now, look, up here
there's a hole, see,

where you can put
an artificial flower.

And then here
you got a fish.

Look at the detail work
on that. See?

You can tell right away that
that there is a carp. See?

And up here,
with the birds,

if you close your eyes, you can
almost hear them singing there

while the colored lady
plays the ukulele.

Now, for a person
with a dirty mind, you know,

you look up around here
where the beads are.

But on this statue,
this has got a clock, see?

So that takes the person's
mind off these here.

Puts it down here
where it belongs, see?

On the time,
which you need.

Now, that's taste.

Archie, that's
so sweet of you.

Yeah.
I know it.

Let's take it into
the living room, huh?

All right.
Where you gonna put it?

Oh, we'll find
someplace for it in here.

[LAUGHING]

What is that?

Don't show your ignorance.
What do you think it is?

I don't know,
but you better get it lanced

before it
starts festering.

You are
a low-quality guy.

Can't you tell
that's a work of art?

I bought that
in that fancy place, Carlson's,

over on
the Boulevard there.

That's one of a kind.

That's one of a kind?

They had a bunch
of them in blue.

This was
the only one in yellow.

Mike, don't you think
it's nice of Archie

to buy it
for Gloria?

You bought this
for Gloria?

[DOORBELL RINGS]
That's right, buddy.

For my daughter. I can
hardly wait for her to see it.

I think
you can wait, Arch.

Gloria?
The Lorenzos are here.

They wanna see you.

Hey. Hey, I'm glad
youse people are here.

I got something
to show you.

Now. There.
Feast your eyes on that.

ARCHIE: Now, that's
a work of art.

Now, tell
the truth.

Now, ain't that
a lot nicer

than that plaster from Paris
thing you got, huh?

With the two nudies
groping each other?

Archie bought it for Gloria
to cheer her up.

Well, that should
do the job.

It certainly put
a smile on my face.

It put a smile
on my face too.

Well, why don't you
sit down.

Gloria will be here
in a minute.

You see, this is Archie's way
of saying "I'm sorry" to Gloria.

Oh, we feel
it was all our fault.

Yeah.

So we brought Gloria
a little something too.

Irene, Gloria ain't mad at you.

[FOOTSTEPS]
Oh!

Hi, Gloria.

Hiya, Gloria. I've been waiting
here for you because I've got--

Hi, Mr. and Mrs. Lorenzo.

Hi, dear.

Gloria, look.

What is that?

It's a statue.

A statue of what?

A lady playing
a ukulele.

Why does she have
a fish on her head?

That's a carp.

And this here
is a clock

to take your mind off
other things.

Gloria, before
you say any more,

I think your father
has something to say to you.

No, no, Meathead,
I got nothing to say.

Come on, Archie.
Don't be shy.

Lay off,
will you, Irene.

Gloria, your father
has a little gift for you.

Irene, will you
lay off, huh?

Give her the gift, Archie.
Huh?

Give her the present
you bought.

Oh, yeah.

Um, it's a...

A present
for you, Gloria.

Thank you.

Yeah, it's a--

Well, open it up
and let's see what it is.

Oh, Daddy,
it's beautiful!

Daddy...you got
this for me?

It's sheer. I mean,
you can see right through it.

Yeah, well, I guess
it should have been

a thicker color, you know?

Daddy...you didn't buy
this nightgown for me.

You bought that statue for me,
didn't you?

Yeah, because, uh,

I think a girl ought to be
talking to her father.

Daddy, I can't tell you
how much that means to me

that you would buy
that statue for me.

Yeah, you like it?

No, I hate it.

But I love you,
Daddy.

Thanks for the nightgown,
Mrs. Lorenzo.

I'm gonna go upstairs
and try it on now.

I think
I'll give her a hand.

Get outta here!

And then I'll give her
the other hand.

Get outta here!

Can you imagine
a guy talking that way

in front of
the neighbors here?

Now, that is bad taste.

Hey, Edith, here's an item
that might interest you.

It's Ed Sullivan apologizing
in his column

for getting Henry Mancini's
birthday wrong.

Mancini's birthday's April .
It wasn't the other day at all.

I hope somebody
tells Henry Mancini.

[♪]

ANNOUNCER:
All in the Family was recorded
on tape before a live audience.