04x09 - Edith's Conversation

[bunniefuu]

♪ Boy, the way
Glenn Miller played ♪

♪ Songs that made
The hit parade ♪

♪ Guys like us
We had it made ♪

♪ Those were the days ♪

♪ And you knew
Where you were then ♪

♪ Girls were girls
And men were men ♪

♪ Mister, we could use a man
Like Herbert Hoover again ♪

♪ Didn't need
No welfare state ♪

♪ Everybody pulled
His weight ♪

♪ Gee, our old LaSalle
Ran great ♪

♪ Those were the days ♪

Hi! Where's Ma?

Oh, hi, honey.

She's out with Irene Lorenzo
and Irene's sister.

I'm cooking dinner
as a surprise.

Hey, it smells great.

Yeah, it's a recipe
that Frank Lorenzo gave me.

It's called, er,
cheval à la Bordelaise.

Wait a second.

Cheval.

Isn't that the French word
for horse?

Uh-huh.

You're cooking horse?

Michael, don't be upset. Lots of
people are eating it nowadays.

I'm not eating horse.

Why not?

Because it used to be a horse!

Michael, a cow used to be a cow
and a lamb used to be a lamb,

but you eat them.

Gloria, that's
totally different.

I'll stick with cheese.

Michael, you're
just being emotional.

I want you to give me
a good reason

why you're not
gonna even try it.

I'll give you
a great reason!

It's against the law

to sell horsemeat for human
consumption in New York!

Yeah, but it's not illegal
in New Jersey

and that's where
this horsemeat's from.

Mr. Devlin. You know, he's
the buyer down at the store?

He got it for us.

His family eats it
all the time.

Fine, let them eat it.
I'm not eating it.

Oh, Michael, come on.
It's a great way to save money.

You know how high the price
of beef is nowadays.

I know, Gloria.

I know I'm being irrational
about this, but it's just that

we're taught certain things
right from the cradle.

I mean, certain things
are for eating

and certain things
are not for eating.

It's very, very difficult
to break those habits.

Hey, what is this?

BOTH: Horsemeat!

Oh, my God!

Why did you
do that to me?

You slipped me
a piece of horsemeat!

Oh, Michael!

Michael!
Ugh! Ugh! Ugh! Ugh!

Don't be upset!

Oh, jeez! How could you
do that to me?

Come on!

I can't eat horse!

I'm eating horse.

All right.

You're eating horse.
How does it taste?

It tastes like horse.
Come on, Michael.

I saw that look on your face
when you put it in your mouth!

Tell me the truth.
You liked it, didn't you?

It was okay.

It was just okay?

No, really, it wasn't that bad.
It was very good.

Well, see?

Wait a second, Gloria.

You're gonna serve
horsemeat to Archie?

Yeah.

You gonna tell him
it's horsemeat?

No!

Well, what about Ma?

Not gonna
tell her either.

And don't you tell them!

Don't worry, they'll never know.
My lips are sealed.

[SNORTS]

[WHINNIES]

Can I have some more
of that, please?

Michael!
EDITH: Gloria, I'm home!

Oh, Michael, that's Ma.
Please keep her out of here.

Oh, yeah. Um...

Hi, Ma!
Hi, Mike. Hi, Gloria.

Hi, Ma. There's a surprise going
on in here. Please get out.

Yeah, but I just wanna
get Frank's casserole

so I can
give it back to Irene.

Mmm, something smells good!

Yeah, that's the dinner I'm
cooking. That's the surprise.

So go on, Ma.

Thank you, Gloria.
What is it, Chinese?

No, Ma, but I'll
give you a hint.

♪ Camptown racetrack
miles long ♪

♪ Doo-dah, doo-dah ♪

Oh, I get it!

We're having
Southern fried chicken!

Here you are,
Irene.

Hello, Mike.
Hi.

This is one of my family
you haven't met.

My sister
Theresa.

MIKE: Oh, hi, Theresa.
Hello, Mike.

Mike, Theresa
is a sister.

Yeah, I know.
Irene just introduced us.

Not, she's
a "sister" sister.

I'm a nun, Mike.

Really? Gee, you're not dressed
like the nuns I used to know

at parochial school.

Well, some of the orders

are not as strict about
clothing as they used to be.

That's right!

Theresa says that nowadays some
nuns are allowed to go around

just like they was people.

GLORIA: Michael! Could you
please help me in here?

Yeah, just a second.
Excuse me.

We'd better
be going.

Oh, Theresa, what about
when you're on duty?

You have to wear
your uniform then, don't you?

Oh, yes,
as a matter of fact,

I'm going over to Irene's
to change right now.

IRENE: I'll see you
later, Edith.

Oh, hello, Archie.
I'm so glad you're home.

You're just in time
to say hello to Irene

and meet her sister
Theresa.

IRENE:
Hello, Archie.

Oh, hi there, Irene.
Hi there, sis.

Edith, look at the table
over here!

There ain't
no dinner on it!

Oh, we hit him in a good mood.
He's usually not this polite.

Look what Theresa
gave me.

What is that?
It's a saint.

Take the saint
off of you.

Why?

Because it's Catholic,
Edie.

Theresa, I think
we'd better go.

What have you got against
Catholics, Mr. Bunker?

Oh, well,
it's a long story, sis.

But I'll tell you the truth.

I ain't got no respect
for no religion

where the head guy claims
he can't make no mistakes.

You know, like he's what
do you call--? Inflammable.

Did you mean infallible,
Archie?

I believe the pope is infallible
in matters of faith.

I believe
it devoutly.

Then I'm sorry for you, sis.

You're as big a religious nut
as your sister Irene.

Mr. Bunker,
we don't have to agree

with everything
His Holiness says,

but his job is interpreting
the law of God,

just like the Supreme Court
interpreting the Constitution.

If the pope
ever made a mistake,

do you think God
would fire him?

No, Edie, the pope
is like the civil service.

The guy is in
for life.

That's good.

It must be nice having
somebody looking after you

and telling you
what to do.

Oh, Edith, there's much more
to our religion

than just having
somebody look after you.

It's like a deep well.

You can always dip in
and renew yourself.

That's the trouble
with you Catholics.

You won't quit renewing
yourselves

and we've got too many people
in the world already.

There's too many people here
right now.

Let's go, Theresa.
[DOORBELL RINGS]

I'll get it!

ARCHIE:
I want to eat, Edith!

Hello, Mrs. Bunker.

How do you do, Father?
Can I help you?

It's me. Father Majeski.

Father Majeski!
You grew a beard.

I know.

Well, come in.

Ah! There you are,
ladies.

Frank told me
I'd find you both over here.

Mr. Bunker.

Look at all the Catholics.

If we had Bing Crosby,
we could make a movie.

What's with the beard, Majeski?

You trying to save
on razor blades?

Archie, if the ignorant
were blessed, you'd be a saint.

Now, shall we go,
ladies?

Wait a minute,
everybody.

Wouldn't you like to have
some coffee?

Oh, no, no. No, thank you.
We haven't time.

Oh, you're wearing
St. Anne, I see.

Yeah. That's my medal.
Ain't it lovely?

Theresa
gave it to me.

You know,
it's too bad

we don't have medals
like this in our church.

Catholics have lots of things
that we don't have.

Well, we both have

the one thing that
really matters, Mrs. Bunker.

Yeah, and that's
the collection plate.

I shouldn't think

a collection plate
would matter to you, Archie,

unless you were making change.

Can we eat
now the pilgrimage is over?

Come
and get it!

Gloria got supper
for us tonight.

It's a surprise.

Gloria, huh?

Gee, then it must be either
Chinks or Colonel Sanders.

No, Arch.
It's steaks.

Steak? What are you
doing to me?

Edith, you know I can't afford
steak nowadays on my dough.

Look at that.
New York cuts.

No, Arch, those are
New Jersey cuts.

Uh, Daddy, Ma didn't buy
the dinner. It's our treat.

Oh, the little girl bought them
out of her wages, huh?

Well, in that case,
whoop-de-do.

Dig in there.

Yeah.
[CHUCKLING]

How was your day, Ma?

Oh, lovely.

Irene took me to St. Patrick's
Cathedral in Manhattan

and the organist
was practicing.

It was just like a concert, only
we couldn't clap at the end.

Hey, hey. Hold your horses.

What was you doing
in St. Pat's Cathedral?

You ain't even
a Catholic.

Oh, it was all right, Archie,
because Irene is a member.

Yeah. What's all this
Catholic stuff anyway?

Look at the medal
dangling off you there

like you was
a mother superiority.

Gee, Ma,
that's lovely.

It's St. Anne.

Theresa said
she's a patron saint.

Of what, Ma?

Of dingbats.

Archie, St. Anne is
the patron saint of housewives

and women in labor.

Oh, my. I hope you don't
have to be in labor to wear it.

You don't
have to be that,

but you've got to be Catholic
to wear it, which you ain't.

You ain't yet
explained to me

what's all the attraction
with the Catholics.

Oh, they have lots
of interesting things

like those little confessionals
right in the church.

They're like
telephone booths to God.

Hey, Ma, that very poetic.

The hell's poetic about it?

I didn't hear nothing rhyme.

I just had
a lovely day,

and it's so nice to come home
to this lovely dinner.

Thank you, Gloria.
Yeah!

Thank you, Ma.

You like it,
Daddy?

I certainly do, little girl.
It's delicious.

I want to tell you, you really
whipped up a winner tonight.

I couldn't have put it
better myself, Arch.

My, this meat
is delicious.

I ain't never seen
meat so lean.

What kind is it?

It's steak, Ede.
It's steak. It's steak.

Yeah, I know,
but what kind?

Ma, it's, um--

[WHISPERING]

I'll be right back.

What got into
your mother-in-law?

Nothing that hasn't gotten
into you too, Arch.

Ma, why are you
so upset?

I keep thinking
of Mr. Ed.

But Ma-- Ma, we're
not eating Mr. Ed.

We're eating something

the rest of the world's
been eating for years.

You've seen people lining up
for it on the news, remember?

I know, Gloria.
But horse!

People ride horses.

The queen rides a horse.

Ma, it's no different
from eating chicken.

But the queen
don't ride a chicken.

I'm sorry if I did
something wrong, Ma.

Oh, it's all right,
Gloria.

I guess I'm upset
because I was enjoying it.

Look at the time.

I promised to pick up Irene.
We're going to guitar mass.

Hey, Edith--
Ed-- Ed-- Edith!

Edith,
what are you doing?

You're running around
like a loose wheel.

I won't be late tonight,
Archie.

Why?

I just want to go across
the alley and pick up Irene.

Bye!
Bye.

Oh, what? Is she going out again
tonight with that Lorenzo dame?

Yeah, she's going
to Irene's church, I think.

For guitar mass.

Why is she going
to any kind of a mass?

What's wrong with that?
[DOORBELL RINGS]

Listen, Meathead, we could be
in trouble here. You know that?

I'm hearing an awful lot
of this Catholic stuff lately.

The next thing you know,

your mother-in-law will be
giving us fish on Fridays.

Maybe next Friday, Arch,
but tonight--

Look at that slob.

A napkin beside him,
he wipes his hands on his pants.

Hello, again,
Mr. Bunker.

Do I know you?

I'm Theresa.

Oh-- Oh!

Well, what are you doing
dressed up in a nun's outfit?

I'm a nun.

Well, why were you impersonating
a civilian before?

Mr. Bunker, I'd love to stay
and discuss it with you,

but I've got to get back
to the convent.

I just wanted
to drop these by for Edith.

When we were talking
a little while ago,

she said she'd like
to read them.

Nice to meet you.

Yeah, likewise,
I'm sure, there, Sis.

Daddy, what did she
leave for Ma?

Oh, I don't know.

Some kind of pamphlets here
that she...

Oh, holy cow!
Look at this!

Instructions
in the Catholic Faith.

Wow, sounds like Ma
is really taking it seriously.

Well, that's what I was telling
youse two before,

she's taking it serious.

Well, I'm going to
take it serious too.

Daddy, where
are you going?

I'm going to over to see that
Father Majeski with the beard.

GLORIA:
What for?

After all these years
with Edith,

no one's going to turn this
into a mixed marriage.

[KNOCK AT DOOR]

Yeah. Who is it?

Archie Bunker.

Ohhhh, God, help us.

Come in,
Mr. Bunker.

What can I do
for you?

Where's your guitar?

My what?

Well, I heard you was putting on
guitar mass here tonight.

No. I'm going
to the movies.

Ohhh, they let you guys
go to the movies, huh?

What picture
you going to see?

Dillinger.

We get free passes. It's one of
the fringe benefits of the job.

So where's my wife who's
supposed to be at a guitar mass?

Oh, well, that's over
at St. Mary's.

Look, if you run,
you can just make it.

Ohhh, I ain't
going nowheres.

I want to talk to you,
here and now.

All right.
All right, Mr. Bunker.

Tell me. Tell me, now,
what's this all about?

This is all about

that the Bunkers don't need
another religion in the family.

I'm afraid
I don't understand.

I'm afraid that my wife is
gonna turn into a Catholic.

You make it sound like
some kind of a horror movie.

And when does this happen,
at midnight under a full moon?

Listen, I just don't want no one
trying to make my wife change

from a Christian
to a Catholic, that's all.

Oh, no, no, no. No, we can't
let that happen, can we?

Look what I got here

that them Lorenzos have been
leaving around my house.

The pamphlets.
Here, look at this one.

Instructions
in the Catholic Faith.

Here's another one.

The Holy Father's
Newest Encyclical.

As if anybody cares
what he rides around on.

God works in mysterious ways,
Mr. Bunker.

And you're one
of his darkest mysteries.

I seen you over there
at our house

and I know what
you're there for.

You and the Lorenzos
trying to convert my wife.

As much as I like
your wife,

I didn't go over to see her,
I went to see Irene Lorenzo.

Oh, sure.

To give Irene Lorenzo advice
on how to win over my wife.

That dame's been hanging around
my wife's neck like an albacore.

It just struck me that they were
good friends, that's all.

What is friendly about
taking my wife out,

taking her to churches,
giving her presents, then?

Well, that is fairly hostile,
I must admit.

And after all, you Catholics
would have no use for Edith.

I mean, she ain't never
got nothing to confess.

You couldn't use her in a choir.
She sings like a hinge.

Mr. Bunker, believe me, no one's
trying to convert your wife.

Oh, I don't know
whether I can believe that.

If you really want me to,
I tell you what you do.

You get a hold of Edith,

and talk her out
of what she's doing.

What do you think
this is here,

some sort of
a religious Schick center?

Why don't you
talk to your wife yourself?

You know, from what you tell me,

it seems to me that she's trying
to reach out for something.

Why don't you try
to communicate with her?

Why should I do that? I'm living
in the same house with her.

Maybe she's looking
for companionship.

Now, hold it.
Hold it there, Majeski.

No, you hold it.

If you can't talk to your wife,
talk to your minister.

Who,
the Reverend Fletcher?

Felcher.

Whatever.

Why should I talk
to that dumbbell?

He's turned more Protestants
into Catholics than you have.

That is my last way, here.

I don't want no more
of this messing around.

I don't want you
or anybody else doing it.

Everybody, just keep
hands off of my wife.

Or else.

Now, you want to go
to the movies? Go ahead.

No, no, no.

No, after talking to you,

Dillinger would be a letdown.

Come on in, Irene,
and I'll make you some coffee.

Oh, good.

GLORIA:
How did the guitar mass go?

Oh, it was lovely.

Hey, Gloria,
I hear you dished up

quite a surprise tonight
for dinner.

Horsemeat à la Frank Lorenzo.

Don't let Archie
hear you say that.

That's all right, Ma.
He's out.

Now he's in.

Hello, Archie.

Don't give me none of that
"Hello, Archie,"

and the smiles
all over your face.

I know where
you been tonight.

You been over
to St. Mary's.

Oh, yeah, and it was
a beautiful service.

I came out of the church
feeling like a new woman.

Holy cow! You mean
you done it already?

Done what, Archie?

Ohhh! Gee, look at you.

You wouldn't even know
what you done if you done it.

Did you get on your knees
and kiss anybody's ring tonight?

What?

Did any guy take a stick
and splash water all over you?

No.

Did you eat
a cookie?

No.

All I had all evening
was ice cream.

What, are they
using that now?

Oh, Archie, that's dumb,
even for you.

Listen, Irene, this is
all your fault.

No, I didn't have the ice cream
in church, Archie.

Irene and me stopped
on the way home.

That's all?
Yeah.

You didn't do nothing
besides that?

No.

Well, then, thank God
I got you in time, Irene.

Now, what is that
supposed to mean?

Listen, I ain't going to

b*at around the brush
with you no more.

I want you to stop trying to
make my wife into a Catholic.

Are you trying to accuse me
of proselytizing?

Why? No!

Arch, Irene means that
she's not trying to convert Ma.

No one's talking to you there,
big mouth.

Edith, come over here.
Come over here!

I got one word
to say to you

and one word only.

You ain't never going to
turn Catholic. That's it.

Oh, Archie.

You know I would never
do that.

I just wanted to learn something
about Irene's religion.

That don't mean
I'm gonna join.

Well, it certainly looked
as if you was.

Archie, Edith doesn't
have to join our church

to find out what religion
is all about.

She learned a long time ago

that the important thing in life
is to love other people.

Irene, that's the best
definition of religion

I've ever heard.

Oh, listen to the atheist over
here, sh**ting his mouth off!

What the hell do you know
about religion?

Arch, I know that the most
important thing in life

is to love
other people.

Baloney!

I happen to feel
that you can achieve that

without bringing God
into it,

but if that's Irene's way,
I respect it.

At least we're going
for the same results.

The only result I ever seen
you going for was the icebox.

Mike, you may be
an atheist,

but that was a very
Christian thing to say.

Thank you,
Irene.

Oh, listen to the Catholic
and the atheist

agreeing with each other and
patting each other on the back.

I can't stand it no more.
Get away from me, all of youse!

Edith, it was
a lovely evening.

Good night,
kids.

Good night,
Irene.

Arrivederci, Irene.

Archie, I don't like comparing
your church with mine,

but there is one big difference
that makes me very happy.

Yeah, what's that?

The Protestants have got you.

Every time you bring
that woman into this house,

she gives me a sh*t.

Oh, Archie.

I'm sorry
you worried about me.

I don't want to hear one other
word about the whole thing.

Only from now on, you let
Irene Lorenzo stick to her God,

and we'll stick to ours.

But there's only one,
I always thought.

Let me do the thinking.

You just do the useful things
around here

like, er, for instance,
get me a beer.

Sure.
Right away.

Oh, would you like
a snack with it?

Yeah, yeah.
A snack would be great.

Make me a up a sandwich

out of the leftover steak
from supper.

Are you sure you want that?

Sure I'm sure.
It was delicious.

Coming right up.

Daddy, how can you be so hungry
when you ate so much at dinner?

Yeah, it's funny, ain't it?

I don't know
what's come over me tonight.

I feel like
I could eat a horse.

Hi, honey.

Hi, Ma.
How was church?

Oh, it was fine.

But something
funny happened.

Right after
the service

the Reverend Felcher
took me aside to talk to me.

He's worried
about you, Archie.

Why? Because I don't
hang around his church like you?

No, he found out that
you went to see Father Majeski,

and he's afraid you're
gonna turn Catholic!

[GIGGLING]

[♪]

ANNOUNCER:
All in the Family was recorded
on tape before a live audience.