04x11 - Black is the Color of My True Love's Wig

[bunniefuu]

♪ Boy, the way
Glenn Miller played ♪

♪ Songs that made
The hit parade ♪

♪ Guys like us
We had it made ♪

♪ Those were the days ♪

♪ And you knew
Where you were then ♪

♪ Girls were girls
And men were men ♪

♪ Mister, we could use a man
Like Herbert Hoover again ♪

♪ Didn't need
No welfare state ♪

♪ Everybody pulled
His weight ♪

♪ Gee, our old LaSalle
Ran great ♪

♪ Those were the days ♪

What are you
reading, Ma?

"I am Jane's Kidney."

What?

It's in the Reader's Digest.

Every month, some part of Jane
tells a story about itself.

Last month it was her heart

and before that
it was her liver.

I'm getting to know Jane
inside out.

[SIGHS]

Something wrong
with Jane's kidney?

Oh, no, I just can't
finish this.

I keep reading
the same line
over and over.

You really miss Archie,
don't you, Ma?

Oh, yeah.

When I saw him put on
his little soldier cap

and go off to his
veteran's convention,

it reminded me
how much I missed him

when he went off to Fort Dix
to fight Hitler.

I don't understand, Ma.

I mean, the convention's
in Manhattan.

Why can't Archie sleep here?

Why does he have
to sleep at a hotel?

Well, it isn't just any hotel.

It's the new Howard Johnson.

Boy! Oh, boy!

Oh, boy, oh, boy.

Gloria, what's
the matter?

You have a hard day?

Michael, you don't know
the half of it.

I thought everything

that could possibly
happen to me on the subway

had already happened,
but tonight topped 'em all.

Well,
what happened?

I got a seat.

[LAUGHS]

You tricked me!

She's always
doing that to me!

Hi, Ma.

Hi, Gloria.
You tricked me too.

I'm sorry, Ma.
It's just that

I'm in such a good mood
'cause it's Saturday night.

And tomorrow's Sunday, which
means I got the whole day off.

And you bought
yourself something.

[DOORBELL RINGS]

Oh, yeah.
Wait till you see.

What is it?
Michael,
don't come up.

It's a surprise.
I'll be right down.
All right.

Oh, hi, Frank!
Come in.

Thank you.

Hi, Mike.
Hey, Frank.

Ah, Edith...you got
anything special on tonight?

Oh, no. I've worn
this dress lots of times.

No, no. I mean, Irene and I
are going to the movies.

You wanna come with us?

Oh, thank you.

Are you sure
it's all right?

You know what they say,

"Two's company,
three's a crowd."

You want me
to ditch Irene?

Frank!

I'll send her out
for some popcorn

and you and I can

sneak up to
the balcony, huh?

Oh, Frank.
You're so funny.

What do you say?
You wanna come?

I'd love to.
Good!

I'll go
and tell Irene.

What's playing?

Cries & Whispers,
an Ingmar Bergman picture.

That must be
a new one.

I've seen
every picture
she's made.

Oh, no, no.
Not Ingrid.

Ingmar Bergman, the famous
Swedish director.

Hey, Frank, do you mind
if Gloria and I go with you?

Oh, it's a
pleasure!

You're my guest.

Oh, no, Frank, really.
I mean, we'll pay
our own--

No, no, no, no. I don't
want to hear about it.

It's bad luck to go
Dutch treat to
a Swedish movie.

I'll call Gloria.

Hey, Gloria! You wanna
go to the movies?!

GLORIA: Love it!
Hurry it up!

Think I'll wrap up a piece
of pie to take with me.

I ain't never seen
a Swedish movie before.

How will I know
what they're saying?

Oh, don't worry.

This one
will have subtitles
along the bottom,

Which is better than the
foreign film I saw last week,

which had no subtitles
at all.

I couldn't understand
a single word.

Oh, my.

Because you couldn't
understand the language?

How could I?
It was British.

Well, you know
how they talk.

[IMITATES BRITISH ACCENT]
Hello. Cheerio, old chap.

[MUMBLES]

God save the queen,
old boy!

Frank, what time
does the movie start?

Oh, uh,
it starts at : .

So let's be ready
in five minutes, huh?

[IMITATES ENGLISH ACCENT]
Oh, cheerio, Reggie, old boy.

[MUMBLES]

[HUMMING GLAMOROUS TUNE]

GLORIA:
Well, somebody
say something.

Gloria, look at you.

You ain't you.

Michael?

Amazing.

Well, do you like it?
I love it!

[IMITATING GROUCHO MARX]
I suppose I should
throw myself at your feet.

But instead, I think
I'll throw myself
at your head.

That tickles!

It's incredible,
Gloria!

It changes
your whole personality.

What made you buy it?

Well, I got tired of
having to wash my hair
every other day,

and it was on sale
at Kressler's.

The nice thing
about washing a wig

is that when you sit
under the dryer,

you don't have to be there.

I can't get over it.

It makes you look so...

Well, let me
put it this way.
Oh!

Now let me put it
this way.

And let me
put it this way.

Listen, I hate to
interrupt you, but if
we don't get going,

we'll miss the beginning
of the picture.

Oh, yeah.
Come on, Michael.

Gloria, I was
just thinking.

Uh, maybe we shouldn't
go to the movies tonight.

But, Michael,
it's Saturday night.

Oh, big deal!
Saturday night.

Gloria, it's only
lonely, unfulfilled people

who have to go out
just because it's
Saturday night.

When two people
love each other,

any night of the week
can be Saturday night.

But, Michael,
I've been cooped up

at the store
all day long,

and I've really
been looking forward
to going out tonight.

We really ought to be going.

Uh, Ma, just a second.
Excuse me, please.

Gloria...

think about it.

We have the house
all to ourselves.

The two of us.

You and me, alone.

Mike and Gloria.

Together.

Alone.

Together. Alone.

Well--

And you know what
I just remembered?

You know what's
on TV tonight?
No.

Citizen Kane.

Tonight?
Yeah!

Really?
That's right!

Oh, Ma. You go ahead
and go without us.

We're gonna
stay home tonight.

I think Mike wants
to be alone with you.

Citizen Kane
is on tomorrow night.

I know.

Oh, well, bye, Mike!

Oh.
Bye, Mom!

And watch out
for that Frank Lorenzo.

All right.

Oh, Mike!

Honey, I'm so glad
you thought of it,

'cause Citizen Kane
is supposed to be

one of the really
great movies
of all time.

So why don't
you turn on the TV

and I'll be
right down, okay?

Uh, where are
you going?

I'm going upstairs
to take off the wig.

No! I mean...no.

Why don't you
leave it on?

Well, I don't need it on
to watch TV.

B-but think how much fun
it'll be, Gloria,

sitting home
and watching television

with a glamorous,
dark-haired movie star.

Okay, Michael.
Come on, sit down.

[SIGHS]

Oh, will you please
turn on the TV?

What for?

Well, it'll be easier
to see Citizen Kane

if the television set's on.

Oh, yeah.

Uh, well...it's not on yet.

Oh, well, what time
does it come on?

Uh...not tonight.

What?

Uh, don't get mad,
Gloria.

Michael,
you tricked me!

Gloria, I just wanted

for the two of us
to be alone, that's all.

Well, why'd you have to
lie to me?

The truth wasn't
working so good.

Get lost, you!

I know, I know.
You're right, Gloria.

The truth is
you're my wife
and I love you,

and, like I said,

I just wanted for
the two of us
to be alone, that's all.

I'm-- I'm sorry
I lied to you.

Well, that's all right,
Michael.

We can watch Citizen Kane
tomorrow night.

Well, Gloria, don't try
to make me feel bet--

Tomorrow night?

Yeah. That's
when it's on.

I marked it here
in the TV Guide

'cause I didn't want
to miss it.

Gloria! You mean,
you knew Citizen Kane
wasn't on tonight?

Yeah.

So why did you let me
go on like that,

making a fool
out of myself?

'Cause you were saying
such beautiful things.

You tricked me!

That's right!

Oh, Gloria!
I'll k*ll you!

Your trick was worse
than my trick,

because you knew
and I didn't know.

And what's worse,
you knew I didn't know!

Michael,
calm down,
calm down!

Don't tell me
to calm down!

Not until I tell you
what I have to!

Last one up the stairs
is a rotten egg.

No!

Hey, Gloria.

what's taking you
so long?

I'm brushing
my teeth!

Oh. Well,
hurry it up!

I'll be right in,
honey!

Sorry I took so long, honey.

Oh, that's all right.

Gloria, wh-what did you do?

I don't know. What did I do?

You took off the wig!

Oh, yeah, sure.
I'm not gonna sleep in it.

Yeah, but, honey...

Honey, you look
so cute in it.

Well, don't you think
I look cute without it?

Oh, sure, sure.
You look beautiful.

Oh, tell me more.

You know, I can't
get over how cute
you looked in that wig.

I'm glad, honey.

I didn't think
you were gonna like it.

Are you kidding me?

I loved it!
It's beautiful!

Put it on.

No, honey, 'cause I have to
pin my hair and wrap it.

It's a net.
It takes too long.

I can wait.

Come on, Michael,
come to bed.
My feet are cold.

Wait, wait, Gloria.
Just a second. Just a second.

Do it for me, huh?
Just for me.

Put the wig on,
huh?

I-It makes you look
so...different.

Different.

Makes me look so different.

Michael, I may be slow,

but it's finally
getting through to me.

I only appeal to you

when I have this
dumb wig on!

Gloria,
that's not true.

Michael, it's not me.

It's this pile of hair
from Kressler's

that's getting
to you.

I just happen to be
standing underneath it.

Gloria, how can you
say that?

That's not true!
I love you with
or without the wig.

It's just that...

right now,
I'd like you
with the wig.

Sure you would!

Because that way,

you can mess around
with a different girl

without cheating
on your wife!

What a sickie!

You're calling me
a sickie, Gloria?

You're the sick one!

You're jealous
of your own wig!

All I know is that
you're in love

with the fantasy figure
with dark hair.

No! No, that's not true.
I'm in love with you, Gloria.

Look, I wanna
show you something.

Look at this.
Look at this here.

You know what this is?

Here, it's a whole
tray full of fantasy here.

And look what
you've got here.

Perfumes,
lipsticks, mascaras,

blue eye shadow,
green eye shadow...

false eyelashes.

And what is all this
here for, Gloria?

All to make you
more attractive to me.

So why should you
mind the wig?

Gee, honey, what are we
arguing about?

Come on, put it on.

No!
Why not?

I'm not gonna be
the other woman
in my own marriage!

Honey, you're not
making any sense.

Oh, yes, I am,
Michael!

It's not me you're
attracted to...it's her!

Well, the three of us
are not gonna share
this bed tonight!

I don't even think
I wanna share it
with you!

Oh, okay!

If that's what you want,
Gloria, fine.

That's okay.
I'll sleep on the couch.

Good night!
Michael, wait!
Wait!

Don't forget
your girlfriend.

I hope the two of you
will be very happy!

Good morning, Gloria.

Good morning.

If you're looking for Mike,
he ain't here.

I wasn't looking for him.

Where'd he go?

He went for a walk in the park.

I hope he gets mugged...

Gloria.

...by someone wearing a wig.

Gloria, I'll fix you
a nice breakfast.

Then you'll feel better.

No, thanks, Ma.
I have no appetite.

Oh, it was
the same with Mike.

He only ate
two pieces of bacon

and he hardly touched
his third egg.

[SARCASTICALLY]
Oh, the poor thing.

Well, he was
very upset, Gloria.

He told me about you
and him and the wig.

Gloria,
I don't understand.

What did he do
that made you so mad?

Ma, how would you feel?

I put on the wig,
and something came over him.

He became sensuous

and demanding
and passionate.

It was terrible.

I must have
missed something.

What was
the terrible part?

♪ Oh, the long
And the short and the tall ♪

Gloria, here comes
your father!

♪ There'll be no promotion
This side of the ocean ♪

♪ So cheer up, my lads
Bless 'em all ♪

Well, Edith...
as General MacArthur said,

we have returned
Lafayette.
Oh!

My soldier boy
has returned!

Yeah!

Oh, Archie,
I missed you
so much.

Yeah, I know that,
Edith.

Hi there,
little girl.

Hi, Daddy.

[MOCKINGLY]
Hi, Daddy.

Jeez, that's
a swell greeting I get.

What's the matter?
Anything wrong with you?

I've seen happier faces
on iodine bottles.

I'm fine.

Did you have

a good time
at your convention?

Oh, yeah! We had--

Well, yeah, but that
ain't the reason

that we go to conventions,
to have a good time, you know.

We've got a lot
of important things to do.

Edith, get coffee, huh?
Yes.

So, yeah,
while we're there,
we welcome new members.

We go to meetings.
we attend them there,

what do you call...

secret crocuses.

The most important thing we do

is defend our country,
long may she wave,

against
the bleeding-heart liberals,

who want to destroy
the peace of this world

by taking the g*ns
away from our boys.

Where's the meathead? I wish
he could hear some of this.

Didn't you have
any fun, Archie?

Oh, yeah.
Yeah, sure, Edith.

We had
a little fun.

You know, just before
lights out,

bend a few elbows,
have a few laughs.

I tell you,
there's this guy,

Jerry Cromwell,
from Jersey City,
you know.

He got himself
one of these electric
cattle prods.

He'd get into
the elevator, you know.

He introduced himself
to the ladies from behind

with a little
whoops, eh?

Didn't he do
the same thing
last year?

Yeah, Edith,
he always does it.

That's, er, what do you
call it? Tradition.

I mean,
that's what makes

the military what it is.
Tradition.

Sounds like a million laughs.

Now, listen, little girl...

we do just what we done
overseas there in WW .

Come back after
a hard day's fighting,

you need a few laughs
to break up the monogamy.

That's what
these conventions do.

They break up monogamy.

Some fun. A bunch of old goats
molesting unsuspecting women.

Ah, come on, now! Hey!

There was no molesting, eh.

Nobody laid a hand
on nobody else.

Just every now and then,

a little electric whoops
with the prod.

It's a little
innocent fun.

And them old goats
you're talking about

are just like your father here.

They're happy married men.

Happily married men?

Don't you tell me
about happily married men.

Happily married men
are the worst lechers
in the world.

I should know,

'cause I'm married
to a happily married man.

What the hell's
this all about?

I don't wanna
talk about it!

You just
talked about it!

Will you
leave me alone?

[MOANS]

It's that time
of the month again,
huh?

No, Archie.

Mike and Gloria
had a fight,

and he walked out
of the house.

You ain't just telling that
to make me feel good, are you?

Archie!

All right,
all right.

Well, what happened,
anyway?

Give me
the whole story.

But don't make
any detours, huh?

Just give it to me
short and sweet.

All right.

Mike fell in love with a wig.

I didn't believe it neither,
but that's what

Gloria said he did,
and she was there.

You see,
Gloria bought
this wig,

and when she put it on,
she looked beautiful.

Mike loved her
in it.

Well, what's the matter
with that?

Well, there's more,
but I can't
talk about it.

Force yourself,
huh?

Well...

Mike wanted her
to wear the wig when...

When...

Well, you know what
married people do...

sometimes.

Oh, here he is,
huh?

Here's the--
Wait a minute!

Where do you think
you're going?

To talk
to Gloria.
Oh, no, no.

Hey! Hey, Gloria,
the meathead's back!

Lock your door!

My daughter
don't wanna

talk to you,
you hair lover.

I thought you were
still in the city

making Times Square
safe for democracy.

I want to
talk to you, though!

Well, well, well.
Look who's here.

Did you decide to come back
to finish your third egg?

Gloria, I wanna
talk to you.

Hey, hey,
did he eat three eggs?

Gloria,
for the past hour,

I've been walking
around in the park.

Arm in arm with a wig?

Will you stay
out of this, please?

I've been walking
in the park

feeling terribly
guilty

about what happened
last night.

Then suddenly
it hit me.

What am I feeling
guilty about?

I mean,
what did I do wrong?

Will somebody please tell me
what I did wrong?

All I wanted to do
was make love to my wife.

Hey, hey!
Cut that out!

Edith don't wanna
talk about that!

I ain't talking, Archie.
I'm just listening.

Well, stifle yourself
and quit listening.

Okay, Michael,
if you're gonna talk about

our private problems
in front of the whole world,

you might as well
tell 'em everything.

You wanted to make love to me
because I was wearing a wig.

You, buddy,
are a weirdwolf.

Gloria, why did you
buy the wig?

So I wouldn't have to shampoo
my hair every five minutes.

No, now that is not
the only reason.

You also know that you happen
to look very attractive in it.

Well, I liked it. It worked.

Worked?

You need a dose of saltpeter
in your cornflakes!

Michael...are you
actually saying

that I'd turn myself
into a sex object
for your pleasure?

Sometimes, yes.
The same way

I try to make myself
attractive for you.

How do you do that?
Put a bag over your head?

Why don't you run down to the
post office and salute a flag?

If you go
with me!

Gloria, honey,
believe me.

It wasn't the wig.

It was the fact that
you were wearing the wig.

That's what did it.

Gloria, remember the time
I went shopping with you,

and you bought
that blue dress?

There were three other girls
in that store

trying on the same dress,

but they didn't do
a thing for me.

But when you put it on,
remember how I reacted?

Yeah, you loved it.

I didn't love
the dress, Gloria.

I loved you
in the dress.

If I saw that dress
on a hanger right now,

it wouldn't do a thing
for me.

I'd like to see you
on a hanger in the rain.

MIKE:
Will you just stay out
of this, please?

Gloria, don't you see
what I'm trying to say?

It's-- It's not the object
you're wearing.

It's the fact that
you're wearing it.

I love you, Gloria.

Did you get any sleep
last night?

No.

Neither did I.

I think I'm gonna go
take a little nap.

I think I will too.

A nap?

They think
they're fooling me
with that stuff.

Oh, Archie.

Don't give me
the "Oh, Archie!"

You're sitting here.
You heard that.

Did you get anything
out of that?

Oh, yeah. They're
just like you and me.

They ain't
like you and me!

They ain't
like nobody!

Oh.

Yeah, Archie,
I remember one morning.

It was
years ago.

You came out
of the bathroom

and you'd just
finished shaving.

And you smelled
wonderful.

And I gave you
a big kiss.

And ever since then,
you made sure

you smelled the same way
every morning.

What has that
got to do with this?

Everything.

I know how Mike feels
about the wig.

I feel the same way.

Because there's something
about my Aqua Velva man.

Archie, what do
you think?

I think I need
another beer.

ANNOUNCER:
All in the Family was recorded
on tape before a live audience.