04x13 - The Taxi Caper

[bunniefuu]

♪ Boy, the way
Glenn Miller played ♪

♪ Songs that made
The hit parade ♪

♪ Guys like us
We had it made ♪

♪ Those were the days ♪

♪ And you knew
Where you were then ♪

♪ Girls were girls
And men were men ♪

♪ Mister, we could use a man
Like Herbert Hoover again ♪

♪ Didn't need
No welfare state ♪

♪ Everybody pulled
His weight ♪

♪ Gee, our old LaSalle
Ran great ♪

♪ Those were the days ♪

How's it going, Michael?
Oh, sensational.

Oh, gee, you do that
with such flair.

Well, either you have it or you
don't, you know what I mean?

Can I help you?
Yeah.

See if you can find
my thumb in there.

Hey, what's that thing
you're cooking in?

Oh, that's, uh--
That's a wok.

A what?

No, no, no, a wok.

It's Frank Lorenzo's.
He's teaching me how to use it.

You cook
Chinese food in it.

Ooh!

You know, I'm starting
to understand

why Frank Lorenzo gets
such a big kick out of cooking.

Gee, you're really
having fun, aren't you?

Yeah!

You know, I oughta
cook dinner more often.

Oh, I wouldn't rush into
a decision like that, Michael.

EDITH:
Hi.

How's it coming?
Oh, terrific, Ma.

Oh, good.

Oh, Mike, I don't like to give
advice when I ain't asked.

Can I give you
a piece of advice?

Oh, yeah, sure, Ma.

You're supposed to cook
in the pot, not in the lid.

No, Ma, that's not
a lid, it's a wok.

The Chinese cook in it,
like we use a frying pan.

Oh, my!

I bet they have a lot
of trouble making pancakes.

Don't you think
Michael's brave, though,

cooking dinner
all by himself?

Well, well, well, not so brave.

I mean, after all, remember
the old Chinese proverb,

"Many men cook,
but fu mein chu."

I ain't never heard that before.

And let's hope
you never hear it again.

Come on, Ma,
let's set the table.

Oh, Mike, are you sure
you can manage by yourself?

Oh, sure, Ma.
There's no problem.

As long as I remember

the four basic rules
that Frank taught me:

block, wok, hot, lot.

Block, wok, hot, lot?

Is that Chinese?
No, no, no, Ma.

It means chop on block,
cook in wok,

serve it hot,
then pray a lot.

Well, just yell
if you need anything.

Okay, Ma, I will.

[WHISTLING TUNEFULLY]

Don't worry
about dinner, Ma.

It'll be fine.
Oh, I ain't worried, Gloria.

I just feel guilty
doing nothing

while a man
is cooking my dinner.

I guess I just ain't used to
a life of luxury.

But Michael's enjoying it, Ma.

It's not as if he was forced
to do dinner every night

the way you are.

Oh, I ain't forced
to do it either, Gloria.

I do it because I want to.

And if I don't,
Archie yells at me.

Where is Daddy,
anyway?

I mean, he's
awful late tonight.

Oh, he don't mind
being late

when he's driving
Mr. Munson's cab.

It means he's doing good
and making more money.

Oh, : , I bet
he's doing real good!

Officer, I've been robbed!

Take it easy,
Mr. Bunker.

You ain't the first guy who's
ever been held up in New York.

Oh, jeez.

Now, let me see
if I've got this straight.

The passenger
got out of your cab,

held you up
and stole your wallet.

I told you that three times.

The guy lifted bucks off me.

Can't we get
some action on this?

We're working on it, Mr. Bunker.

I'm just taking
your statement down here.

Sergeant Roselli's gonna want to
talk to you about it later.

Oh, Roselli, huh?

Jeez, whatever happened to
all the Irish cops on the force?

Oh, let me tell you,

them were the guys that knew how
to handle crime on the streets.

They was always out there
busting heads.

You like those
old stereotypes, huh?

Best types of all.

They didn't waste no time

bringing the crinimals
into court to be let go.

They grab a guy, they tell him,
"Hey, don't do that no more!"

Then they crack him on the skull
so he wouldn't forget.

Well, nowadays

our methods aren't
quite so sophisticated.

That's what I'm saying!

A crack in the head
is worth a thousand words.

My wife is gonna
be expecting me.

I think I'm gonna
be late for dinner.

I better call home, huh?

Uh, over there, Mr. Bunker.
The payphone.

I can't pay for a call.

He took all my money,
my last dime.

According to my rights, I'm
entitled to one free phone call.

Mr. Bunker, that's for
the accused. You're the victim!

Oh, yeah.

[PHONE BUZZES]
Sergeant Blair.

Yeah. Right away.

Follow me,
Mr. Bunker.

What happens now?

You're gonna see
Detective Sergeant Roselli

about your robbery.

Where?
Right in here.

Oh, no.
No, no, no.

I told you, the guy that
robbed me, he wasn't no hippie.

He was clean shaved,
he was well dressed.

He was a good-looking guy,
not like this here.

Mr. Bunker--

I'm out bucks. Can we
get some action, sergeant?

I'm the sergeant.

You are?

I'm Sergeant Roselli.

Here's Mr. Bunker's
statement, Tony.

Thanks.

Take this bum out
and book him for grand larceny.

This is a bum?
Yeah.

Oh!

Sergeant Roselli. What are you,
one of them mod squads?

No, just a police officer,
Mr. Bummer.

Uh, "ker."
Do you mind?

Bunker.

I only thought because you was
hiding behind all that hair

that you was one of them
undercover guys.

No, I just happen
to have long hair.

Oh.

Roselli.

Ain't you got
no barbers in the family?

Look, I wear my hair long
because I like it that way.

Does it
bother you?

No, no. I was just staring
at it, that's all.

Let's talk about
your crook's hair, Mr. Bunker.

Now, you say there in your
statement that it was blond.

How blond?

Oh, he was very blond,
very bright.

He was almost white.

In fact, if you was to give
this guy a nickname,

it'd probably be, er, "Whitey."

Did he brush his hair
straight back?

Yeah, he brushed it
straight--

How'd you know that?

I'm a detective.

Mr. Bunker,
I think I know this guy,

and there's a good chance
that I'm gonna catch him.

Yeah, well, listen.

Before I go there, I just
wanna remind you once more

about the amount of money
in the wallet there.

It was exactly bucks,
you know? On the nose.

Yeah, I know.
It's in your statement.

Yeah, I know it's
in my statement,

but I hear tell
that sometimes

when money changes hands
in police stations,

that it, uh...

That it what?

That it gets lost.

Don't worry about that.
You're in luck.

See, it's the end
of the month.

I'm already over
my graft quota.

You see, if I stole any more,
I'd be in a higher bracket.

Come on,
are you telling--?

Mr. Bunker, go home.

All right.

Oh, Archie,
I'm so glad you ain't hurt!

And I feel terrible
because I wasn't even worried.

I thought you was doing good.
All right.

And all the time
you was being robbed.

Oh, but I'm fine.
He could have k*lled you!

Look at me.
Am I k*lled?

What are you
talking about?

These punk
stick-up guys,

they never k*ll a guy that
knows how to handle himself.

How do you
handle yourself?

Give him the money
before he kills you.

Daddy, how much
did he get?

How much did he get?
He got my whole wad, bucks.

Oh, that's terrible!

Did he actually
pull a g*n on you?

He didn't have to
pull a g*n.

I could see the lump
in his pocket.

Maybe he was doing like
Edward G. Robinson used to do,

just holding a pipe in
his pocket and making believe.

Jeez, I wish I'd have
thought of that, Edith.

I'd have said
to the hold-up guy,

"Hey, you only got
Edgar G. Robinson's pipe

in your pocket."

Then he would have
k*lled me right then.

Daddy, what did
the police say?

Said nothing.

The guy I was talking to was
too busy combing his long hair.

Sounds like Serpico.

Serpico.

Ain't that a cough syrup?

No, Ma. Serpico is a detective.

He's one of the new breed.

Yeah, to me he looked
like an old breed.

Sheepdog.

What do you want, Arch?

Someone who's nice and neat

and clean with shined shoes?

Why not? The city's paying them.

Someone with a nice, sober suit
and short hair?

ARCHIE:
That's right!

Someone like Halderman
or Erlichman?

That's right--
Get off that!

GLORIA: Daddy.

Daddy, will you be able
to identify the thief

if they catch him?

Certainly I will,
little girl.

I'll remember that young
punk kid the longest day I live.

Oh, Archie,
was he really young?

Yeah, he was young.

And believe it or not,
he was white.

Why shouldn't we believe that?

You never pick up
any black fares.

Ah, shut up.

Why don't you never pick up
any black people, Archie?

You want me driving
up there to Harlem?

Suppose my cab
broke down

at the corner of th Street
and Lenox Avenue,

what do you think
would happen?

Maybe somebody would
repair it for you.

What?
Well, you're always...

You're always saying

that colored people
are good fixing cars.

Ah, that's only when they're
in white neighborhoods.

Archie, you are so full of--
Michael!

Hey, hey, hey!
What about your dinner?

What was that? What was that?
I'm full of what? Full of what?

Hey! Hey!

The women cut you off,
but you was gonna say

something dirty
in the living room there.

Because you were
talking stupid.

Why do you always
have to talk stupid?

To make you understand!

Funny.

Let me ask you this,

how come you're
never on my side,

even when
a guy holds me up?

Archie, if they catch that boy,

will you have to take off work
and go to court for his trial?

Certainly I will.
Sure I will.

I'll lose a day's pay,
but it's worth it

to see that piece of filth
thrown into the jug.

Hey, hey, wait a second, Arch.

You're talking about
a human being.

I'm talking about
a creep.

All right, I agree.

He should be punished
for what he did,

but you don't go around calling
people "pieces of filth."

How about "piece of creep"?

There you go,
talking stupid again.

There you go,
understanding me again.

What the hell are you slopping
around with here in the pot?

It's Chinese food.

It don't look
like Chinks to me.

GLORIA & MIKE:
Chinese food!

That's what I said,
Chinks,

and that ain't it.

Yes, it is, Daddy, and it's
very good. Michael made it.

Michael m--

Are you letting the Meathead
cook my supper?

Oh, yeah! Frank Lorenzo
taught him how to do it.

Then let him
and Frank Lorenzo eat it.

Oh, Archie, it looks so good
and it smells--

It smells
like fertilizer.

And that's what
you're full of! That's it!

All right, you don't have to eat
it. He's not eating the food!

Daddy, you could
at least try it.

What would you say
if you cooked dinner

and Michael wouldn't eat
any of it?

I'd say that the Meathead
probably got magnesia

and forgot where his mouth was.

Oh, that's nice!
[DOORBELL RINGS]

You try to do something nice
for somebody

and look what happens,

they throw it right back
in your face.

Thank you very much!

[BLOWS RASPBERRY]

Don't try--
Michael, don't say anything.

I worked hard
on this, Gloria.

Shut up over there and try
to be delicate, will you?

I'm at the door.

Mr. Bunker?

Yeah?

My name is Morrison.

I'd like to talk to you about
your, um, unfortunate incident.

My what?

In your cab.

Oh, you must be
another detective, huh?

No, no.
No, I'm a lawyer.

Oh, hold it.
I don't need no lawyer.

I already been robbed.

Mr. Bunker,
could we talk privately?

I've got
a proposition

that could prove
very beneficial to you.

What's beneficial?
Money.

I'll get my coat.

Archie,
where are you going?

Beneficial.
On the porch.

I wonder why a lawyer
wants to see Archie.

[TELEPHONE RINGS]

I think it's got something
to do with the robbery.

Hello?

Oh, no, sergeant.
My father just stepped out.

Can I take a message?

He caught the man
that robbed Daddy!

Oh, could you hold on, because
I'm sure he'll wanna hear this.

I think I can get him, okay?
Hold on.

Daddy!

Daddy!

What?

It's Sergeant Roselli
on the phone here.

He caught the man
who robbed you!

Oh, all right. Tell him
to hold the line there.

The sergeant's on the phone.
Come on in, Mr. Morrison.

Tell him to hold the line,
little girl.

GLORIA: Hold on,
he's coming to the phone.

All right. Come on,
give me the phone!

I'm giving you the phone!
Get out of here!

[BLOWS RASPBERRY]

Yeah, Archie Bunker here,
sergeant, yeah.

Yeah, my daughter just told me.

Oh, you found the wallet too,
huh? Great, great.

You want me to come down
and identify the guy.

Well, I tell you, uh...

I tell you,
sergeant,

I have just decided...

not to press the charges.

Daddy!
Archie?

Shush! Shush
in front of the phone.

I have decided
not to press the charges.

I don't believe it.
I don't believe it!

The police caught your robber,
now you're dropping the charges?

Mr. Bunker, I have to be going.

I'll be right with you,
Mr. Morrison.

Get lost, will you?

Arch, aren't you always saying
we should help the police?

I'm helping
the police.

I'm giving them one less case
to worry about.

Yeah, you're giving the public
one more to worry about.

The point is
that the boy is innocent.

But, Archie, you said he was
a terrible crook with a g*n.

You said
it was a pipe.

And the more I think
about it, Edith,

the more I think
you're right there.

I think it was something
like that, a pipe.

I think that he had me
fooled there, the little devil.

The little devil?
You heard me!

You make him sound like he was
one of the Our g*ng kids.

Oh, shut up.

Mr. Morrison, I want
to ask you something.

Now, wait a minute,
Mr. Morrison.

Don't pay no attention
to this college boy, huh?

Mr. Morrison--

A, he's unemployed,
and two, he don't work.

Mr. Morrison, what did
you and my father-in-law

talk about on the porch?

Wait a minute! Mr. Morrison,
you don't have to answer that.

That's all right.

Young man, I'm a family friend
of the unfortunate boy

who's only guilty
of an error in judgment.

Your father-in-law and I agreed

we don't want
to get the boy in trouble

because of one little mistake.

Yeah. I decided
to forgive the boy.

Five minutes ago,
you were ready to hang him.

Don't talk to me.

Mr. Morrison--

I'm glad your father-in-law
changed his mind,

because my client is
a very honest young person.

Honest? How could he be honest?
He robbed him!

Well, some people
are honest underneath.

That's right!

And that's how it is

with young Andy Farrell.

Yeah, lots of people
are like that.

They're very good underneath.

They're just
a little rotten on top.

Well, Andy has promised

that he will never do
anything like this again.

Wonderful.
Wonderful?

What's wonderful about
letting a robber off scot-free?

Young man, as a student,
you should understand.

If Andy were prosecuted,
he'd be expelled from college.

That would be the end
of his political career

even before it's begun.

What? Mr. Morrison...

What kind of a politician
is a guy gonna make

when he starts out
by robbing people?

I know,
the successful kind.

Mr. Bunker,
I'm sure Tom Farrell

will want to thank you
personally

when he hears how fair
you've been to his son.

Don't mention it there,
Mr. Morrison.

Whoa, whoa. Wait a second.
Wait a second.

Tom Farrell,
the city commissioner?

And devoted father.

Oh, I get it. I get it.

That's the political career

you're really trying to protect,
isn't it?

Oh, yeah, sure,
I understand perfectly now.

If you understand, why don't you
shut up and get out of here?

Once again, Mr. Morrison, good
night and thank you very kindly.

Good night.
Yeah, good night, Mr. Morrison!

You're incredible,
Arch.

Really incredible!
Oh, get away from me.

Five minutes ago
you were ready for blood,

and after two minutes
with a smooth-talking lawyer,

you're as gentle
as a lamb.

I told you, get away!
Yeah, Daddy.

How could you let him talk you
into dropping those charges?

He didn't talk me
into nothing.

This is what
did the talking here.

[LAUGHS]

One hundred bucks.

Archie,
he gave you $ ?

That's right, Edith.

I knew it.
I knew it.

Tom Farrell paid you
to keep quiet.

What's the matter with that?

Ain't you ever heard
"silence is gold"?

Archie, I don't think
you should have taken that.

Why not?

Because you're breaking the law,
Arch. You accepted a bribe.

I didn't accept no bribe!

Well, what's your word for it,
"campaign contribution"?

Don't be stupid.
I ain't running for nothing.

I was just doing something
to help a guy out.

To help a guy out?

ARCHIE:
That's right, little girl.

That's the American way.

If a guy's down, you don't
kick him, you help him up.

Then you scratch his back
and he scratches yours.

This is the scratch
I just got.

Oh, don't be looking at me
like a wounded sheep.

I gotta go down to the police
station to pick up the wallet.

Now, before I go,
could I have a beer?

All right, Archie.

Daddy, what if the police find
out that Mr. Farrell paid you?

Oh, I ain't splitting with them.

Let the cops
make their own deal.

Your wallet will be brought down
in a minute, Mr. Bunker.

Well, jeez, it's about time,

not that I wanna
put the rush on you guys.

My cab's parked out there.

It don't make me no money
sitting at the curb.

Wait over there,
will you?

Yeah, all right,
all right.

Jeez, it's gonna take
all night, this thing.

[SIGHS]

Oh, hi there. You must be
working with Roselli, huh?

What?

Yeah, what have
you got,

another one of them
grand larceny bums over there?

What?

Listen, I wanna
tell you something.

I got a lot of respect
for you guys,

going around
the way youse do

with the long hair
and them clothes like that,

smelling like
the river.

All I wanna say is you're doing
a great job for the city there

and I appreciate it.

Hey, Pete, you can
bring him up now.

Okay. On your feet.
Come on.

Uh, wait a minute!
What's going on?

What, are you
the detective?

That's right.

I thought you was
the undercover man.

:What are you,
some kind of a mental case?

Oh, hello, Bunker.

Oh, hiya,
Roselli, there.

Hey, why did you
hang up on me like that?

Oh, well, because we had
a visitor in the house,

and there was
a lot going on.

Look, Roselli, I just come down
to get my wallet, that's all.

Yeah, I know.

How come you dropped the charges
against Andy Farrell?

Well, I mean, after all,

I don't wanna get
an innocent kid in Dutch.

You know, I mean--

Well, you don't go around

throwing human beings
into the jug.

Why? You afraid
you'd give the kid a trauma?

I don't want a trauma
to go on his record.

You know, it's a prank.

After all, when I was a kid,
you know what I used to do?

I used to steal hunks of ice
off of the ice wagon.

You stole off a wagon?

Forty years ago!

Come on, there's a statue
of libertations here.

I'm talking about a prank
like this kid was a prank.

Well, it just happens to be
the third prank

that Andy Farrell has pulled
on cab drivers this year.

Oh, yeah?

Yeah, and the third time

that the charge
was suddenly dropped.

Oh.

Well, jeez,
nobody told me that.

Well, that's too bad. You
could have held out for more.

Oh, now, wait a minute there,
Roselli.

Don't be accusing me
of taking a bribe.

You know what they call that?
Definition of character.

Here's your wallet,
Mr. Bunker.

Sign here, please.

Yeah, well, I'll sign, but
let me check it out first, huh?

You know,
I'm only sorry

that we weren't able to
get your money back too.

I can see that!
Where's my bucks?

Oh, didn't I tell you?

Andy Farrell,
the boy who robbed you--

Oh, excuse me.

The boy who
pulled a prank on you

said the wallet was empty
when he found it.

Hold it. Hold it, he said what?

Yeah, we thought
it was strange too.

Especially since Andy
was carrying a roll of bucks

on him when we picked him up.

Sure he was! That was my !

Ain't that
a coincidence!

That's what I said
to Chuck here.

I said, "Chuck, I'll bet you
that's Mr. Bunker's dough."

You were right.

Then I said,
"No, I must be wrong.

"How could I suspect
a sweet, innocent young boy,

especially when nobody's
pressing charges?"

Sign here, please.

Yeah, all right.

Yeah, yeah,
yeah, yeah.

Listen, I see what you police
are doing here.

Okay.

There's the signature.

I gotta
get back to my cab.

Oh, Mr. Bunker?
Yeah?

Was that your cab parked
out at the curb, -TA?

Yeah, at the curb. Why?

You were parked
in a no-standing zone.

They just towed away
your cab.

They can't do that to me!

I'm here on police business!

I'm sorry, Mr. Bunker.

You can reclaim it
down at the pier.

Yeah, that's all right.

You just tell them
I sent you,

and they'll
give it back to you.

They will?

Sure. For bucks.

Fifty bucks?

Look at this, from my wallet,
I'm out bucks

and bucks for the cab?

It cost me $
to walk into this joint!

A hundred and twenty-five.

A hundred and twenty-five.

A hundred and twenty-five?
What for?

Twenty-five
for the parking ticket

you're gonna find
on your windshield.

Oh, yeah.

All right for youse guys.

Tell you something else,

this here is highway robbery.

No, Mr. Bunker,

this here is justice.

Hey! Hey,
look at this!

"Farrell attorney Morrison

involved in $ ,
bribe attempt."

Where's that?
Let me see.

Morrison? Ain't that the lawyer
that gave you the $ ?

Oh, holy cow. Look at this!

Two hundred thousand dollars.
What a dirty thief!

Oh, you finally
learned something.

Yeah, I sure did.

Don't ever take
the first offer.

["REMEMBERING YOU" PLAYING]

ANNOUNCER:
All in the Family was recorded
on tape before a live audience.