04x15 - Edith's Christmas Story

[bunniefuu]

♪ Boy, the way
Glenn Miller played ♪

♪ Songs that made
The hit parade ♪

♪ Guys like us
We had it made ♪

♪ Those were the days ♪

♪ And you knew
Where you were then ♪

♪ Girls were girls
And men were men ♪

♪ Mister, we could use a man
Like Herbert Hoover again ♪

♪ Didn't need
No welfare state ♪

♪ Everybody pulled
His weight ♪

♪ Gee, our old LaSalle
Ran great ♪

♪ Those were the days ♪

[DOORBELL RINGS]

Merry Christmas, whoever it is!

Oh, hiya, Frank.

Happy holiday, Gloria.
Come on in.

I just came over to bring Edith
my famous Italian fruitcake.

I baked it special.

Ooh, that looks good.

Hey, uh, how do you say
"fruitcake" in Italian?

"Fruit-a-cake-a!"

No, actually
it's called panettone.

Where's Edith?

Oh, she's gone to the doctor.
She'll be back soon.

She went for
a semi-annual checkup.

Oh, that's smart.

Yeah, it's been three years
since her last one.

Hey, that's beautiful.

Can I help?
I'm pretty good at this.

Oh, yeah.
Jump right in.

You know something? Irene and I
are like kids about Christmas.

We still hang up our stockings
every year.

Really?

Yeah, but it's not fair.
Irene gets twice as much as me.

Oh, how come?

She hangs up her pantyhose.

I love Christmas
too, Frank,

even if it is full
of male chauvinism.

What are you
talking about?

Well, for openers,
Santa Claus is a man,

and Christmas is all men,
even the songs.

Now, wait a minute.

"God Rest Ye, Merry Gentlemen."

"Good King Wenceslas."

"The Little Drummer Boy."
But, Gloria!

And how about "Peace on earth,
goodwill toward men"?

See? Christmas is nothing
but men, men, men.

Except for one woman.

Who?
The Virgin Mary.

Without her,
there'd be no Christmas.

Oh. Yeah.

[DOORBELL RINGING]

Oh.

Merry Christmas, whoever it is!

Hello there!

Michael!

Wrong! It's not Michael.
It's Dr. Cronkite.

Hello there, buster.
How are you doing, pal?

Take my coat there, nurse.

Are you my nurse?
Uh, yeah.

No, no.
You couldn't be.

You don't look
like my nurse.

Hold this a second here.
We put these on here.

There! Now you look
like my nurse.

Hello there, nurse.
Want to fool around?

[LAUGHING]

Uh, hey, uh, doctor--

Yes. What is it?
What about your patient?

This? Oh, no, no, no.
He couldn't be.

He doesn't look
like my patient.

One second there, buster.
We put these on.

There! Now you look
like my patient.

You're my doctor?

That's right!

I'm leaving.

Hello, Mr. Leaving.
Nice to meet you.

Stick out your tongue.

Ahh!

You know what's
wrong with you?

What?
Nothing.

But your tongue's
very sick.

I demand a second opinion.

Good. Come back
and see me again tomorrow.

Somebody's coming.
Somebody's coming.

Hi, Ma!

[LAUGHING]

Who's this here?

Uh, doctor,
this is my mother.

No, no, that
couldn't be right.

She doesn't look
like your mother.

Hold on one second there.

Here. We put these on.

Now you look like
her mother.

Hello there, mother.

Oh, my, you all
look so funny.

[LAUGHING]

You don't look like no
raving beauty yourself there.

Where did you
get these?

There was a big sale
at Mahoney's.

You want to go to
the Hottentot Club?

[LAUGHING]

I haven't laughed so much
for days.

Hey, mother,
you want to fool around?

My nurse won't mind.
She's very understanding.

Whoa, whoa!

[LAUGHING]

Oh, my! I feel
so much better.

Much better?
Was something wrong?

Oh, no, no.

I mean,
I'm enjoying it.

Edith, I brought you
my special panettone.

Fruitcake à la Lorenzo.

Frank! Oh, thank you!

Oh, hey, Ma,
how'd your checkup go?

Fine, just fine.

This looks so good, I think
I'll take it in the kitchen.

I got a wonderful idea. Archie
will be here in a few minutes.

Let's all put these on again
and surprise him.

Good idea.

[DOORBELL RINGS]

Go hide up there.
Go hide up there.

What are you doing
with that on?

The same thing you're doing
with that on, buster.

Oh, get away from me,
you smart guy!

You always got to spoil
everybody's fun here.

Hiya, Daddy!
Hello, Archie!

Now, you put them
up to that.

Now, where's your mother?

GLORIA:
In the kitchen.

All right, everybody,
now, just shut up.

Let me try to get a little fun
out of this thing, huh?

Hey, Edith,
come on out here.

I got something
to show you.

Be right out!

Oh, ain't that nice?

Mike got one
for you too.

He didn't get me nothing.

I bought a whole bag
of them.

It was my idea,
not the Meathead's.

I'm sorry, Arch.
Great minds think alike.

If I had a mind
like yours,

I'd take it out
and I'd get it shot.

[LAUGHING]

Will you stifle yourself
and get dinner on the table?

But you look so funny.

I said stifle yourself.
Get dinner on the table.

Yeah. Right away.

GLORIA:
Daddy!

Do you have to
talk to her like that?

Hey, hey! Hey there.

Watch your language,
little girl.

That ain't a "her"
you're talking about.

That's your mother.

All right. Do you have to
talk to Ma like that?

When she's doing
something stupid, yeah.

What is stupid about
trying to have a little fun

at Christmas time?

Scrooge!
Ohh!

Ma.

Is there anything
I can help you with?

Ma?

What, Gloria?

Uh, your pot's full.

Oh, yeah. Thank you.

Don't let Daddy bother you.
He's just an old grouch.

Your father's
a wonderful person, Gloria.

Don't you
never forget that.

Ma, you see
what you just did?

You just
filled that up.

Oh, yeah.

Can you get me the cover
to this pot, please, Gloria?

Isn't that it?

Oh, yeah.

Ma, what's
the matter?

Oh, nothing's the matter.

I just forgot that the cover
to the pot was there.

You forget things sometimes,
don't you?

Well, sure, Ma.

And I'm older than you,

so I got a lot more things
to forget than you.

Ma, something's wrong.
I know you.

Now, why does everybody
around here think they know me?

Remember, Gloria,
deep waters run very still.

But, Ma--

I've known me a lot longer
than you have,

so don't go around
saying you know me.

Okay.

Okay. I'm sorry.
I didn't mean to upset you.

I got a lump in my breast.

What did you just say?

I got a lump in--

Ohh, Ma!

That's the first time
I said it out loud.

Oh, will you
look at this?

The Meathead's eating
the popcorn off the tree.

Next thing, he'll be
eating the leaves.

Why not, Arch?

That's how that nature guy
Euell Gibbons

gets rid of his Christmas trees
after the holidays.

He eats them.

[DOORBELL RINGS]

Oh! I bet
that's Irene.

Hold it, Frank.
Hold it.

Let me answer
the door, huh?

Let me go.

Let me have
at least one more try

at having
a little fun here, huh?

Hi, Archie.
Is Frank here?

Come on, now, Irene.

Don't make out like you don't
notice nothing different.

Oh, yes, you do look different.
What did you do, get a haircut?

Ohh!

Come on in, Irene.

Oh, oh, oh!
Don't we look terrific?

Like it?

♪ Vieni qui
Vieni qui, amore ♪

Look at this guy.

He slobbers his wife
no matter where he finds her.

Because no matter where
I find her, she turns me on.

Kiss me, amore.

Ah, Frank, you ain't got
no class at all.

That's the funniest-looking
thing I ever saw.

What do you mean?
I got one on too.

Yeah, that's
not so funny.

Good night, Arch.

Yeah, good night,
good night.

Jeez.

Bye, Archie.

Oh, cut it out, Irene.

[LAUGHING]

Hey, don't poke me,
huh, Frank?

Would you do that?
Don't poke me.

[MIKE LAUGHING]

What are you
laughing at?

Oh, gee. Here.

Edith, get supper
on the table, huh?

I'm going upstairs
to wash.

Dinner will be ready
in a few minutes, Archie.

Gloria, put the dressing
on the salad.

Ma--

Ma, what exactly
did the doctor say?

Well, he said I gotta
go back again tomorrow

to be examined
by a surgeon.

A surgeon!
What does that mean?

Oh, nothing, Gloria.
Don't worry.

The doctor told me today
that nine times out of ten,

they find it's nothing.

Just nothing.

Ma, are you sure
you're telling me everything?

Yeah.

Did you know about this

before you went to see
the doctor today?

Yeah. That's
the lucky part.

Lucky?
I found it myself.

How?

Well, I was reading an article
in this magazine.

It showed you how to
examine yourself yourself.

And that's what I did.
I examined myself myself.

Here, let me help you
with this--

No, no.
I'd rather keep busy.

Ma, when are you going to
tell Daddy about this?

Never. And don't you
tell him neither.

But, Ma,
he's got to know!

Oh, no, Gloria.

Your father has enough to
think about down at work.

All that packing
and loading and lifting.

You got to
promise me, Gloria,

that you'll not say
one word to him

about me being examined
by a surgeon, please.

And don't say nothing
to Mike neither. Please.

GLORIA:
All right, Ma.

Hey.

Hey!

What's the matter with you?
You look like you seen a ghost.

[SILLILY]
Ah, well, uh, that just...

"ghost" to show you.

[GROANS]

Step right over here,
madam.

What are you doing?
Get away from me, will you?

Better start mixing toothpaste
with your shampoo.

You're getting a cavity
in your brain.

Gloria, I still don't see how
we can keep it from Archie.

Honey, we got to.
I promised Ma.

Do you realize how mad
he's gonna be if he finds out?

He'll probably hit somebody.

Probably me.

Mike, you gotta
cover for us,

because I gotta
take Ma

to see the surgeon today
at the hospital.

Yeah, yeah,
look at this.

This makes me mad enough
to want to hit somebody.

The government is spending
$ million on the Nimitz.

What's the Nimitz?

It's a new aircraft carrier.

Nine hundred and fifty million!

That's over twice as much

as the country spends on
cancer research in a whole year!

On a carrier! I don't
believe it! Look at this!

Michael, shh!
Oh, yeah, sorry.

A carrier?

Who's the carrier?

Typhoid Meathead over here?

What's all this about?

Everybody up, : , so early
on a Saturday morning?

Well, we're just talking.

Oh, don't give me that.
There's something going on.

What I mean to say,

there's something rotten
in the state of Denver.

Daddy, nothing's
going on.

Well, how come that
Meathead clams up

every time I come close?

That ain't natural.

I was just thinking.

That ain't natural neither.

Where's the coffee, little girl?

Oh, I'll get
it for you.

Hurry up,
hurry up.

Daddy's up.
He wants coffee.

How is Archie
taking it?

Oh, he don't know.

He doesn't know?

GLORIA:
No, he doesn't.

But he's getting
awfully suspicious.

I don't get it,
Edith.

You didn't tell Archie,
but you told Mike and Gloria?

Well, I had to tell them

so they'd know
what not to tell Archie.

Maybe you ought to iron
the other sleeve for a change.

Oh, yeah.

Irene, I ain't talked
about this to Gloria

because I didn't
want to worry her,

but suppose I have to have
one of them operations.

Oh, look, it's probably
just a little cyst.

That's all it usually is.

But what if
this time it ain't?

Then have the operation.

It's a great way
to save your life.

There's one big
drawback, though.

What's that?

You get well
and you have to

keep cooking
and ironing for Archie.

Oh! Oh, Irene!

That's better now, you see.

Dummy up!

What is this, huh?

Every time I come near people,
they shut up,

like I was the Spanish
Inquisition or something.

Just a little
girl talk, Archie.

What are you doing
over here so early, Irene?

Did you have a fight
with the Italian lover boy?

No. Edith and I are holding
a secret Tupperware party.

Yeah, well, secret's the word,

because I think that
something very suspicious

is being cooked up
around here.

Oh, there's not!

I was just telling Edith about
my sister getting pregnant.

Who, the nun?

Not her,
my other sister.

Really, Irene?

Yeah, and after she swore
she'd never have another baby

after all the trouble she went
through with the first one.

And you know, Edith,
she was in heavy labor.

Fifteen hours!
Arggh.

And then they thought
it was going to be a breech--

Irene! Mixed company,
Irene, huh!

Mixed company, really!

Can't you be delicate?

Oh, thank you!

Irene, can I
ask you something?

Of course.

Sit down.

When Archie and me
was first going together,

we used to go out dancing a lot.

And--

Oh, I ain't never
told no one this before,

but while we was dancing,
Archie used to sing in my ear.

Archie?

Yeah.

And his favorite song was:

♪ You're the tops ♪

♪ You're the Tower of Pisa ♪

♪ You're the tops ♪

♪ You're the smile
On the Mona Lisa ♪

And all evening

I would go around
trying to smile for Archie

like the Mona Lisa.

You know--

IRENE:
Oh, Edith!

What was it
you wanted to ask me?

I'm afraid
if I have this operation,

Archie won't think of me
in the same way.

Oh, Edith,
stop scaring yourself.

Archie loves you,
and nothing's gonna change that.

But I'm gonna change a lot.

Yes, and even if you
have to have the operation,

it's still gonna be all right.

Believe me.

You don't know.

That's just the point,
Edith. I do know.

I know.

You mean, you--?

Six years ago.

And you see how
Frank and I get along.

It hasn't made one bit
of difference in our marriage.

Don't bother looking,
Edith.

I-I wasn't.

You can't tell,
and there's no use asking me.

Oh, no, I wouldn't
think of asking.

I mean, I'd think of it,
but I wouldn't ask.

Oh, no!

Oh, Irene! You made me
feel so much better!

Oh, darling!

I don't believe it.
Will you look at this here?

More Christmas cards!

Why doesn't everybody just
get together and yell, "Enough"?

What is the matter
with you today?

Nothing.

Jeez, you're even
knocking Christmas now.

I'm not knocking Christmas,
I'm knocking Christmas cards.

Ah, you'd knock anything
that wasn't food.

Archie, it's a total waste
of money and paper.

What are you talking about?

It ain't the money,

it's the beautiful thoughts
behind them things.

Oh, yeah, you mean
like this one.

"Merry Christmas
and a Happy New Year

to all you folks
we hold so dear."

All right,
that's a beautiful thought.

"So call us first
when your pipes are burst.

Paragon Plumbers."

Get out of here,
you're making that up.

Right there, Archie!
Right there!

Get away from me,
will you?

Hey, where's Edith?

Uh, she went out
with Gloria.

I know that, but where?
For how long?

Well, what are you
asking me for?

What is the matter
with you?

I told you, nothing!

You wanna play checkers?

Checkers?

No!

Then forget it!

What is Edith up to anyway?

Well, I don't--
I don't know.

Did she mention anything to you

about a red-hackle fishing pole?

What?

Yeah, yeah, I can
see it in your face.

She certainly did.
I know where she is.

She's out with Gloria
Christmas shopping for me,

for a red-hackle siphon pole.

[CHUCKLES]

What, did you think
you was gonna

pull the wolf over my eyes?

No, Archie, I didn't think that.

Well, listen.

Don't tip Edith off
that I'm wise to it.

That will spoil
her surprise for me.

Don't worry, I won't.

Yeah, a red-hackle fishing pole.

[DOORBELL RINGS]

Jeez, I hope she gets me
one with a bell on it,

so I can fish
and take a nap at the same time.

Oh, hi, Irene.
Hi. Is Edith in?

Uh, no, she's not back yet.

ARCHIE:
Oh, come on, Irene.

You don't have to
signal over there.

I know the whole thing.
The secret's out.

Oh. Did you hear from the
hospital? Is she all right?

Irene! Uh--

What?

What? What do you mean?
What hospital?

She's at Saint Ambrose's.
You said you knew!

She's out Christmas shopping
with Gloria.

Saint Ambrose's Hosp--?

Take me there, Meathead!

What, did she have
an accident or something?

No, no, it's just a test,
Archie. Just a test.

Probably nothing serious, Arch.
What is it?

I'll tell you on the way.

Never mind, tell me on the way.

Will you let me
get out the door?

ARCHIE: Go back
and shut the door!

Will you let me
get in the door?

Hi there, nurse.

Oh, are you
Mr. Bunker?

Yeah,
I'm Mr. Bunker.

Oh, all right.

Uh, she's sleeping
there, huh?

Yes. Well, she's just
having a little nap.

Uh, where's my daughter?

Oh, she's down at the
administrations office,

filling out some forms.

She'll be right back.

Ah.

Yeah, Arch,
I'll go find Gloria.

Yeah, go find Gloria.

Oh, Archie!

You didn't have to
come down here.

What do you mean I didn't
have to come down here, Edie?

Jeez, you're my wife,
no matter what happens.

Archie.

That's the nicest thing
you ever said to me.

Yeah, well, you better lay
down there and rest there, huh?

I don't have to rest.
I'll be home tomorrow morning.

You're coming home
tomorrow morning?

Yeah.

Edith, they told me
you had cancer.

I thought I did too, Archie,

but it was just a little cyst,

and the surgeon got rid of it
just like that.

Oh!

So, what are
you laying here for?

Well, when they told me
everything was all right,

I got so excited,

I jumped off
the examining table.

And I broke my ankle!

You broke your ankle?

Yeah.

That's all that's the matter
with you? Broke your ankle?

Yeah.

You know, they had me
nearly scared half to death.

I'm sorry, Archie.

Oh, Jesus.

Oh, Edith.

Oh, Archie.

["REMEMBERING YOU" PLAYING]

ANNOUNCER:
All In The Family was recorded
on tape before a live audience.