04x18 - Et Tu, Archie?

[bunniefuu]

♪ Boy, the way
Glenn Miller played ♪

♪ Songs that made
The hit parade ♪

♪ Guys like us
We had it made ♪

♪ Those were the days ♪

♪ And you knew
Where you were then ♪

♪ Girls were girls
And men were men ♪

♪ Mister, we could use a man
Like Herbert Hoover again ♪

♪ Didn't need
No welfare state ♪

♪ Everybody pulled
His weight ♪

♪ Gee, our old LaSalle
Ran great ♪

♪ Those were the days ♪

Edith?

Edith?

Oh, look at this.

Nearly :

and nothing
on the table yet.

Edith? Edith!

Hello, Archie.

Hold it. Don't make me
spill nothing now.

Where were you?
Upstairs.

What was you doing
up there?

Oh, well, we ain't got
no bathroom down here.

That ain't
no excuse.

You know we're having
special company tonight.

Oh, I know. But you told me
you invited Joe Tucker for : .

Yeah, but he's
one of them guys

that always comes
half an hour early.

When he was working with us
down the plant

we used to call him
an eager bleeder.

There we are.
Look at that there, Edith.

Not a drop spilt.

You could never
do that, huh?

Well, what
are you doing?

I'm performing what you call
a whiskey transplant.

I'm pouring this
cheap Heathcliff Scotch

into a bottle of Haig Pinch
pint of Scotch, see that?

Because that's Joe Tucker's
favorite Scotch.

I always like to do right
by my guests.

But won't he taste
the difference?

Nah! All Scotch
tastes the same.

It all tastes
like iodine.

Come on, come on, come on.
Get something on the table, huh?

Hurry up.
Oh, yeah. Right away.

Yeah. All right.

It's the first time
in history

a person ever got run down
by a tapeworm.

Look at the way
you're dressed.

Can't you do something
a little better than that

with Joe Tucker
coming to dinner?

What's so special
about Joe Tucker?

I'll tell you what's special
about Joe Tucker.

You're a slob.

Joe Tucker happens to be
my best friend

that I ain't seen
for years.

How can he be
your best friend

if you haven't seen him
for years?

Aaah! Go away.

What the hell do you know
about friendship?

Joe Tucker and me used to work
together down at the plant

and we were
close, buddy.

We were as close as, what do
you call, Damon and Runyon.

Joe Tucker was the guy that
taught me how to be foreman

so I could take over
the job after him.

He learned me
all the fine points

about loading
and lifting.

What's there
to know?

Don't be a wise guy.
There's a lot to know.

Wise guys like you
that think

there ain't much to know
about lifting

are walking around today
wearing a dress.

Get away
from me, huh?

Just get away
from me.

Come on, Edith.
Come on. Hurry up.

Get some snicks and snacks
around the joint, huh?

I don't understand,
Archie.

If Joe was so good
down at the job,

how come he's not
working there anymore?

Because Joe Tucker
was cut out for better things.

He got himself
a big job

in a plant up in Rochester,
New York.

He's a big shot
up there.

But he ain't too big
to come and have dinner

with one of
his old pals.

What is that,
the latest in dinner wear?

It's a little accident
I had down at work,

a word that's foreign
to you.

Here you are. Here's some dip.
All right.

Archie, look at
your sleeve!

It's all ripped.
I know that.

I had a little accident
down at work. That's all.

I'm carrying a crate
of machine parts

and I drop them down.

When I went to pick them up,
I caught my shirt on a nail.

The worst part was
Prendergast, the big boss,

come by and seen me.

You should have heard him
laying into me.

I gotta change
my shirt.

Get away from
them snick-snacks.

Hi!

EDITH:
Hello, Gloria.

Hurry up.
Take your coat off.

Joe Tucker will
be here any minute

and Archie always says that
he gets here half an hour early.

What time's
he supposed to be here?

: .

Oh! It's five after .

He's late.

[DOORBELL RINGS]
No, he's here!

Edith!

Joe!
How are you?

It's so good to see you again.
Oh, you too, Joe.

Come on in.

You remember
Gloria?

Well, sure, I remember Gloria.
Where is she?

That one is Gloria,
right there.

No, that ain't
Gloria.

Gloria's a cute, little
fat kid about so high.

That's Gloria,
grown up.

JOE:
I don't believe it.

Well, there's only one way
to prove it.

The Gloria I knew

always used to
like these.

Chocolate licorice!

Oh!

Oh, that's
my Gloria.

Come on. Give your
Uncle Tuck a big hug!

Uncle Tuck,
it's so good to see you.

You don't know
my husband, Michael.

Oh, hello, Michael.
It's a great pleasure.

Come on, Joe.
Sit down.

Oh, it's so nice
to have you--

ARCHIE:
Did I hear Joe Tucker down here?

My old friend Joe Tucker,
is he here?

What do you know,
Joe boy?

Hi there, Joe!

Will you get
out of the way!

Archie! Oh!

Hello, Arch.

[SHOUTING]
Hey, Archie!

Oh, jeez.

Oh, I got you,
Arch.

That's two for flinching.
Yeah.

Aagh! Aagh!

We always
used to do that.

Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha.
Hey, Archie.

You really haven't
changed a bit.

Except maybe you're eating
a little bit better.

Oh, jeez.

Otherwise you still look like
the same old Meathead.

[CHUCKLES]

How about some
snick-snacks here, Joe?

Serve him something,
will you?

No, no, no. Wait a second.
Wait a second, there.

What did you
just call him?

Nothing, nothing,
nothing.

Meathead.
Oh!

The boys down at the plant
hung that on Arch

first day
on the job.

Right, Meathead?

Ha-ha-ha.
Yeah.

Nobody wants to hear
all them old stories, Joe.

I wanna hear
those old stories.

Why did all you guys
call him Meathead?

Well, you know.

You know, Arch was
a little nervous

the first day
on the job.

So he picks up this big crate
of machine parts.

Next thing you know,
bang,

he drops the machine parts
like a meathead.

Yeah,
yeah, yeah.

Seems like it was
just yesterday, huh?

Today too.

[MOUTHS WORDS]

What was that,
Edith?

Nothing. She didn't say
nothing. Nothing.

What are you
laughing about?

Ain't you got nothing to do?
Get outta here!

Oh, I'm sorry.
I gotta go wash up.

I'll be back later.

Meathead.
Get away from me!

[ARCHIE
MIMICS LAUGHING]

Get something around
the table, will you?

All right.

[GLORIA CACKLES]

Hey, take
your daughter

with you, here!

[CACKLING]

Meathead.
Party pooper.

Come on, Joe.
Come on. Sit down.

Here's the best chair
in the house, my chair.

Sit right down
there.

Boy, how you doing all
these years up in Rochester?

I'll bet you're right up to
plant supervisor by now, huh?

Well, I was
plant supervisor. Yeah.

Oh! Hey!

Vice-president
now, huh?

Well--
Ah! Hey!

Let's have
a little drink on that.

Hey, Edith, bring out the bowl
of the ice cubes there, will ya?

Archie,
wait a minute--

Hey, hey, hey.
No trouble at all.

Look what I got for you here.

Haig & Haig Pinch,
your favorite.

Huh?

Oh, I haven't seen that
in a long time.

I'd hate to tell you
what I've been drinking.

Yeah, yeah. No, kidding.
What have you been drinking?

Some rotgut called
Heathcliff Special.

Here you are.
Here's the ice.

Come on. Come on.

Oh, Edith.

I asked you for ice cubes,
you bring me an iceberg here.

Arch, Arch, it's no problem.
I'll drink it straight.

Yeah, we'll drink it
straight.

Here. Go on,
take it away, huh?

What do you want me
to do with it?

Take it out
to the kitchen

and wait for the Titanic
to come sailing by.

Joe, Joe, Joe,
down the hatch, huh?

Right, Arch.
Yeah. Yeah.

Ah! Hey, hey. That's pretty
good Scotch whiskey, huh?

I don't know, Arch. I think
you're wasting this on me.

I've been drinking
that rotgut for so long,

I can't tell
the difference

between this
and Heathcliff Special.

Gee, I can hardly
believe that, Joe.

I mean, uh--

A guy like you,
a big shot,

how come you gotta drink
that rummy booze?

Oh, Arch, I'm no big shot.
I'm nothing.

To tell you the truth,
I'm out of work.

Hey, hey, hey, hey.
You, out of work?

You know what's happened
to a lot of companies

because of this
energy crisis.

They're cutting back
all over the country.

I got laid off
six months ago.

Jeez. Six months
you're out of work?

Yeah.

For a long time I was getting up
at in the morning,

walking around all day
trying to get work.

But nobody wanted me.

After three months
of that,

I just gave up,
stayed in bed all day.

Oh, gee, Joe, if I was
out of work six months,

I think
I'd go bananas.

What's the matter there?
You ain't crying, are you?

No, no.
I'm okay.

Dr. Lieberman says...

it's nothing
to be ashamed of.

Well, uh,
who's Dr. Lieberman?

He's the psychiatrist
I went to see.

Wow, Joe,
did you go nuts?

No, Arch.

Well, why did you go
to a nut doctor?

I went to him for help
and he gave it to me.

What did he do,
loan you money?

No, Arch. He got me
to believe in myself again.

Oh, yeah, yeah.
But, Joe, listen.

I mean, that's not the kind of
thing you want to get around.

You know, that could
hurt you.

Don't let that out
outside of here.

Arch, if it wasn't for him,
I wouldn't be here today.

He gave me the strength to come
back to my old stomping grounds,

look up
my old friends.

Oh, you mean
like me, huh?

Yeah, yeah,
like you,

like Steve Prendergast.

Ste-- Steve Prendergast?
You mean my boss down at work?

Yeah.

I finally got
the guts to call him

and find out whether maybe I can
get back in the old plant again.

You know, Prendergast and me,
we were pretty good buddies.

Oh, yes.

Jeez, he never says nothing to
me, but he always talked to you.

He used to like you.
Yeah.

Well, he told me
to go down

and see
the personnel manager.

There's a spot
opening up.

Funny. I didn't hear of
no spot opening up.

Oh, well, I'm sure
it's not much, Arch.

But whatever they give,
I'm gonna take.

Yeah, yeah, sure.

But, well, you would
never wanna

go back to the old
loading dock no more.

Who wouldn't?

Anything they offer,
I'll grab.

I've been out of work
too long to be proud.

Dinner!

Michael, dinner!

Come on, Arch. I'm starving.

Joe, you're gonna sit right
here. You're the guest of honor.

Archie's chair.

That's at the head
of the table.

Archie, you don't mind
if Joe takes your place,

do you?

Jeez, it looks like
I ain't gonna have much choice.

Joe.

And you think
that's funny.

You should have seen
the gag

that Archie pulled
on old Fatso Miller.

Remember that,
Arch?

Yeah, no, I don't remember
none of them things now.

You ought to.
It was your idea.

Oh, yeah. But people don't wanna
hear them stories, Joe.

I do, Arch.

I'd like to hear about
the time you had an idea.

Why don't you go and make
a long-distance phone call

from the other end.

Oh, Archie,
that reminds me.

Before you got home,
you got a phone call.

I got
a phone call?

Edith, why don't you
write them things down

so you
remember them, huh?

Oh, I remembered
to write it down.

Oh, I just forgot.
I put it in my pocket.

Ah. Hey.

Uh, Edith, uh...

I gotta talk
to you now.

Well, go ahead.
No. Out in the kitchen.

Oh. Excuse us,
please.

Yeah. Excuse us,
please, huh?

We're just going
in the kitchen over here.

Get in there!

What is it?

Look at this here. Jim Sanders.
You know who that is?

Yeah. He's the personnel
manager down at the plant.

That's right. He's in charge
of hiring and firing.

And being as how
I'm already hired,

what does that leave?

Firing.

Oh!
Oh.

Oh, Archie,
they wouldn't fire you,

not after
all these years.

What do you know
about it, Edith?

I'm down there
every day.

There's a lot of funny things
happened lately.

Like what?

Well, like,
for instance, yesterday

the big boss, Prendergast,
come by there.

He don't even
say hello to me.

But you said he never
says hello to you.

That's right,
and he done it again.

Oh, Archie,
I think you're getting

all worked up
over nothing.

Edith, Edith,

this guy out here,
Joe Tucker,

is the best loading dock
foreman they ever had.

Prendergast knows that.
Don't you see what I'm saying?

Tucker's after
my job.

Oh, Archie,
Joe wouldn't do that.

He's such
a nice man.

"A nice man."

Edith, in an energy crisis,

there ain't no such thing
as a nice man.

Oh, Archie, Joe wouldn't
do nothing bad to you.

He's your
best friend.

Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha!

And Benedict Arnold was George
Washington's best friend.

You know
what happened there.

What?

Oh, Edith, Benedict
was after George's job.

And George got wise
to him.

I never heard that.

Why, certainly.

It's the truth.

Otherwise, if it wasn't,
on Washington's birthday,

we'd be eating eggs Benedict
instead of cherry pie.

[KNOCKING AT DOOR]

Come in.

You wanted to see me,
Mr. Sanders.

Yes. Come in, Bunker.
Yeah.

Close the door,
please.

Oh, yeah.
The door, yeah.

There it is,
Mr. Sanders, closed,

just the way
you like it.

All right.
Have a seat.

Uh, well, I don't wanna sit,
Mr. Sanders, because, you know,

being a loading dock foreman,
I never sit.

Mine ain't a sitting job,

you know, like this.

Well, no, no.

Nothing wrong
with your job.

It's a sitting job
because it's a thinking job.

My job ain't got
nothing to do with thinking

and I'm very good
at it.

I'm, uh, sure you are.
Yeah. Thank you.

Now, Bunker--

Hey, this isn't gonna keep me

away too long from the men,
is it, Mr. Sanders?

Because my men
don't like that.

They fall apart
when I ain't there.

Just sit down,
Bunker.

This will only take
a few minutes.

Yeah. Like yesterday,
I was away.

You know, my one little
two-minute break of the day.

I went to
the toilet.

Then I come back and there's
a crate of machine parts

there on the dock,
fell down.

Well, I had to take
responsibility there, you know?

The top man
always has to do that.

Take, for instance,
Richard E. Nixon.

Same thing with him.

He's got a bunch of jerks
working under him,

screwing everything up.

But he's the top man. He's gotta
take responsibility, right?

Look, uh, Bunker, I wanted
to talk to you about Joe Tucker.

You see, he's applied
for a job with us

and Mr. Prendergast
is very fond of Joe Tucker.

He wanted me
to hire him immediately.

Oh, he did, huh?

But, uh, first I'd like to do
a little checking.

So, uh, tell me now, what
do you know about Joe Tucker?

Oh, well, uh...

uh, well, he used to be
a great worker years ago.

Of course, I ain't seen him
lift nothing lately.

Well, uh, how long has it been
since you worked with him?

Oh, gee, about, uh,
ooh, years, maybe.

I was only a kid then.

Uh, gee, that'd make Joe,
what, about , .

.
?

Jeez, he looked a lot older than
that when I seen him last night.

He did?

Well, there's
nothing to that

because he's
been worrying, see?

That's why
he looked that way.

Uh, he's been out of work
for six months.

But that ain't
his fault, neither.

It's just that nobody
wanted to hire him.

Well, when you saw him
last night,

did he, uh,
seem depressed?

No, no, no!
He was very happy.

He was happy to see me.
He was so happy, he cried.

You mean
he really cried?

Oh, yeah. The wet eyes, the
handkerchief, the whole thing.

Just like he done
the last time.

You mean you've
seen him cry before?

Oh, yeah. The time he went up
to take that job at Rochester.

Oh, I see.

Well, then, actually you have
only seen him cry twice.

Yeah, that's right.
Like going and coming.

But I don't know what
he was doing in-between times.

Well, don't write that down,
Mr. Sanders, see.

Just because a guy's crying,
that don't mean he's a nut.

Ask any
psychiatrist.

Yeah, don't write that down
because, uh, listen,

uh, sometimes,
I even cry myself.

Oh!
Don't write that down.

Well, I mean,
just when do you cry, Bunker?

Well, like, uh...uh,
for instance, uh--

Well, like
on a religious occasion.

Yeah. Yeah.

Like when I was watching
Tricia's Wedding on TV.

Mike, Gloria,
ain't it wonderful?

It's :
and Archie ain't home yet.

What's wonderful
about that?

Well, don't you see?

The later Archie is,

the less fired he is.

EDITH: Archie!

Hello!

You're home!

Gee, what a lucky guess,
Edith.

Gee, Daddy, what happened
with Mr. Sanders?

All right, all right.
I'll tell youse everything.

Just let your mother go
and get me a can of beer, huh?

Oh, well, promise you won't
start telling before I get back.

All right. All right.
Get the beer, huh? Get the beer.

And will you--

Get out of my chair. Yeah.
Get out of the chair.

Did you start
telling yet?

Well, let me sit down.
I ain't even sat down yet.

Daddy, can't you see
how worried Ma is?

Tell us.
What did Mr. Sanders want?

Ah, nothing,
nothing.

He just wanted to ask me
some questions about Joe Tucker.

Oh, is that all?

What do you mean
"Is that all?"

I had to go in
and talk about Tucker there.

I had to give him
a character referential.

What did you
tell them about Joe?

Oh, gave him
a big buildup.

Said he was
a great worker...

years ago.

years ago?

Arch, that's damning him
with faint praise.

Hey, I never once
cursed the man.

What Michael's saying is that's
not a very good recommendation.

Oh, yeah?

Well, what would Michael
like me to tell them?

Well, tell them what you always
tell us. That he's a great guy.

Hey, what do you want me to do,
strike myself out, huh?

The guy's out
after my job.

What I should have done

was tell that personnel
manager the truth.

I've got a good mind
to go back tomorrow morning

and tell him
the truth.

Oh, and what's
the truth?

The truth, little girl,

is that Joe Tucker's been
going to see a psychiatrist.

So what?

Will you wake up
and live?

This is
the good old USA

where personnel managers
in this country,

they don't like head-shrinkers
or people who get shrinked.

MICHAEL: Yeah.

And if you tell Sanders that,
they'll never hire Joe.

Arch, he's your best friend.
What do you wanna do that for?

To save my job,
stupid!

That's a dog-eat-dog world
out there.

Don't you know
what it is out there?

It's survival of the fattest.

[DOORBELL RINGS]

I'll get it.
No. No.

You get dinner on the table.
I'll get that.

You, get away
from me.

Archie!
Oh, hi, Joe.

I got the job!

What, you got the job?
What do you mean, Joe?

The job on the loading platform?
No.

Better than that. And I got
you to thank for it.

What?

How did you get Sanders
to ask me

if I went to see
a psychiatrist?

Because he asked me
and I said yeah.

You said yeah?
Yeah.

He thinks psychiatrists
are great.

See, it turns out that his wife
went to an analyst

and it did wonders
for her.

That's how I got
the job.

You got a job out of
his wife being a loony?

No, Arch.
Because she got well.

Hey, take a look
at your new boss.

I'm the new
dispatcher.

[SQUEALS]
That's great!

Great!
Hey!

Hey, wait
a minute!

Hey, Edith.
Hey, Edith.

Come here, Edith. We've got
some great news for you.

What is it?
Oh, hello, Joe.

Wait a minute.
Edith...Edith, not just Joe.

Yeah? Show
a little respect.

You're talking to
the new dispatcher down at work.

Oh!
Hello, Mr. Tucker.

Oh, congratulations, Joe. I'll
set another place at the table.

No, no, no, no.
Don't bother.

I'm gonna take
you people down

and find you the best meal
I can find in New York.

Oh!
Oh!

Hey, Mike, Gloria,
you're coming along too.

Let's go.
Oh, whoop-dee-doo!

Joe, that's
gonna be fun.

Oh, my--

Archie, what'll
I do about my dinner?

Same as you usually do.
Burn it.

Come on. Come on, Edith.
Don't waste time.

Hurry up. Hurry up.
Hurry up.

Jeez,
that's swell.

I'm glad
to hear that, Joe.

Hey, we'll be
working together again.

Hey, just like
old times.

Well, not exactly,
Arch.

You see, you went
out on a limb for me.

I'm gonna make
this job work.

Oh!
You know what I mean?

Yeah, yeah, you mean
with you the dispatcher,

the rest of us
kind of coast a little, huh?

Are you kidding?

I'm gonna be the best
dispatcher they ever saw.

No more wasting time, no more
loafing, no more kidding around.

No kidding around, huh?

That's right. You better
be on your toes, buddy.

Because it's gonna be go,
go, go, all the time, you know?

Yeah, I know that.
Go, go, go. Yeah.

And we're gonna trim
this pot down in no time.

Oh, jeez.

Hey, Arch.
Yeah?

Aaagh!
Oh, jeez.

Oh, got you
again, Bunker.

That's two
for flinching.

Aaagh! Aaagh!
Oh, Joe.

Hey, Archie!
Aaagh!

No. No more, Joe.

I've got to give you
two for flinching, all right?

Oh, yeah.
Easy.

Aaagh! Aaagh!

Oh! Oh! Oh!

We're gonna have so much fun.
So much fun.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Fun, Joe. Fun.

Hello, Archie.

[GROWLS]

Oh, what's
the matter?

Oh, Edith,
what a day!

Aw.

Prendergast,
the big boss,

comes out this morning
on the loading dock.

He says,
"Good morning, Archie."

Well, what's wrong with that?
That's wonderful.

Edith, he said it
to a black guy.

[♪]

ANNOUNCER:
All in the Family was recorded
on tape before a live audience.