04x20 - Lionel's Engagement

[bunniefuu]

♪ Boy, the way
Glenn Miller played ♪

♪ Songs that made
The hit parade ♪

♪ Guys like us
We had it made ♪

♪ Those were the days ♪

♪ And you knew
Where you were then ♪

♪ Girls were girls
And men were men ♪

♪ Mister, we could use a man
Like Herbert Hoover again ♪

♪ Didn't need
No welfare state ♪

♪ Everybody pulled
His weight ♪

♪ Gee, our old LaSalle
Ran great ♪

♪ Those were the days ♪

How long has Lionel
known this girl?

About two months.

Only two months
and they're engaged already?

That's right. I blame it
on daylight-saving time.

Oh.

Well, when I was young,

if a girl was going with a boy
only two months,

they were still strangers.

Why, I knew Archie
a whole year

before I even found out
he was ticklish.

How did you--?

How did you find out?

It was an accident.

We was on the beach,

and I was smearing suntan oil
on Archie's back,

and my hand slipped
and slid along his ribs.

[BOTH LAUGHING]

You should have seen him!

He jumped feet!

There's one other place
that Archie's ticklish,

but I didn't find that out
till after we was married.

The soles of his feet!

Well, Edith,

are gonna be home
in the next half-hour?

Yeah. Why?

Because Lionel said
he wanted to drop over

and introduce
his fiancée.

Oh! Good.

Oh, by the way,
a week from Saturday,

we are having
a big engagement party

and you're invited.

Wonderful.

You and Mike and Gloria.

And...

No ands, Edith.

What about Archie?

Archie is not invited.

Edith, let's face it.

Archie and George
can't stand each other.

Put them in the same room
together, the party's over.

But, Louise--

Even if we invited Archie,
he wouldn't come.

Believe me, Edith,
we'll be making Archie happy

by not inviting him.

Well, that's very thoughtful
of you, Louise.

Well, I'm glad
that's settled.

Well, can I help you

with any of the baking
or cooking?

Oh, no. Not this time.

It's going to be
a catered affair.

We are hiring a room
at the Monarch Hotel.

Oh, my!
So long, Edith.

Ah-ha! Back, back, back,
the two of youse.

Here's a surprise.
Get back there, get back there.

You'll never guess who I just
met coming over here to see you.

Lionel
and his fiancée.

That is so dumb,
answering quick

without even
taking time to think!

I'm sorry, Archie.

What's the surprise?

Lionel and his fiancée.

Is the surprise over yet?

Yeah, yeah, get in here.

EDITH: Hello, Lionel.
Hi, Mrs. Bunker.

I'd like you to meet
Jennie Willis.

Oh, how do you do,
Jennie?

Hello, Mrs. Bunker.

Lionel's told me
so much about you.

Nothing bad,
I hope.

Oh, don't put her
on the spot, Edith.

Ain't she pretty!

Yes. Lionel's a good picker.

Just like his father!

Well, Jennie's
a good picker too.

Oh, thank you, Mrs. Bunker.

I wanna tell you, Lionel,

it's a good thing,

and I like it very much,
your getting engaged.

I hope you're gonna follow
through and get married.

Oh, yeah.

Right.

So, uh, when are youse two
gonna tie the knot,

you and your
impending husband?

Well,

Lionel and I had
a long talk about that,

and we decided to wait
until after Lionel graduates,

because A, statistics show

that the greatest amount
of stress in a marriage

occurs during
that first year.

And that would be too much
of a burden to put on Lionel

while he's still
at school.

B, if we wait,
I could quit school,

go to work so that we'll have
that nice little nest egg

to fall back on until
Lionel finds a position.

And C, after Lionel
establishes himself,

I can go back to school,
complete my education

and pick up
on my own career.

Ain't she something?

I guess you know
what you're doing, Lionel.

Lionel, it's
really getting late,

and I've got
to be going, so...

EDITH:
So soon?

Oh, yes. I've got
a million things to do.

Would you believe
I still don't have a dress

for our engagement party?

Bye-bye.
Bye.

EDITH: Goodbye.

I must say that
that's a very nice thing

you're doing there,
Mrs. J,

giving the kids
an engagement party.

Oh, it's not much.

We're just inviting
the immediate family

and a few close friends.

Oh, swell. I'll be there.

Huh?

Yeah. I'll even bring
the kids a present.

Oh, no. You see--

Oh, no, no trouble at all.

Mrs. J, you must know
how I feel about Lionel.

I mean, I like him very much.

I practically watched the kid
grow up.

Archie, you've only known Lionel
four years.

But them were four very
important years, Edith.

Them were the four years

when the boy was coming
into his pubertyhood.

But really, Archie,
you don't--

No, no, no, no.

I mean, it's gonna be
a real pleasure,

because after all,
Lionel and me--

When Lionel first come
to this neighborhood,

you remember,
I took him under my wing.

Being colored, naturally
he was a little green.

I taught him a few things,

we become friends.

No, I'm gonna make that party.

I'm gonna be there
with the bells on.

I gotta get home.

George's dinner's
burning.

[BOTH MOUTHING]

Aren't you taking
something for granted

about
the engagement party?

What are you talking about?

Well, I heard you say
you was coming,

but I didn't hear Louise say
you was invited.

Oh, use your head, Edith.

You heard what the woman said.

The immediate family
and a few close friends.

Who could be closer than us?
We live next door.

No way, Louise, you hear me?

No way!
George, calm down!

That h*nky ain't coming
to no party I'm giving,

not for my son, you hear?

Not while I'm alive!

Will you calm down,
George?

Now, you sneaked in
the rest of his family,

but that's it,
that's enough.

Now, I'm saying--

I'm saying enough.

E, double E,
triple E, 'nough!

George, if you don't
wanna calm down,

will you shut up!

Who you telling
to shut up?

Do you see anybody else
in this room?

Now, you listen here,
woman.

Don't you give me
that "woman" jazz.

Don't you give me
that jazz, woman!

Now, you listen
to me, George.

I am not crazy about Archie
coming to our party either.

But now we've got to
invite him.

Edith is a very good
friend of mine,

and I'm not gonna do
anything to hurt her.

But you promised me, Louise,
you promised.

You said no Archie!

I know,
but I can't help it.

Archie thinks he's invited.
What can I do?

You can take your big mouth back
over there and uninvite him,

that's what you can do!

I can't do that!

Why? Because you're afraid
of hurting his feelings?

You just blame it
on me.

You just go over there
and you politely say,

"Mr. Bunker,
I'm very sorry,

"but I have to take back
my invitation

"because my husband,
George,

"says he doesn't
want you at the party.

"He's very sorry.

He hopes you understand,
you h*nky, you."

That's all.

Is that your final word?

That's it
and you heard it.

Okay, fix your own dinner.

Oh, now you're gonna
get dramatic, huh?

Who you supposed to be?
Doris Day?

Do you see
any freckles here?

What about
my dinner?

Forget it!

I'm going over there
and tell Archie he's invited

courtesy of you.

Over my dead body.
That's one way.

Hold it, Louise!

My mind is made up.

And don't you dare say no,

or you'll be eating
your dinner through a straw!

What?

Louise, if you don't
get back in here...

Hey, Ma.

Oh, my. You came home
at just the right time.

You mean
dinner's ready?

No.

Archie's in the bathroom.

Why is that
just the right time?

Well, you see, Louise was here,

and she invited us
to Lionel's engagement party.

Is that what sent Archie
up to the bathroom?

No.

GLORIA:
Oh, I get it.

Daddy's throwing
a temper tantrum

because he doesn't
want to go, right?

Wrong, Gloria.
He's going.

Well, then what's
the problem?

He ain't invited.

Well, where did he
get the idea that he was?

Out of his own head.

That's the worst place he
could've gotten anything from.

Ma, you gotta tell him. How long
can you keep putting it off?

[TOILET FLUSHING]

About
more seconds.

But I don't know
what I'm gonna do.

Well, don't worry, Ma.
I'll tell him.

No, Gloria,
let me handle it.

He's gonna
be so mad.

That's all right.
I'm used to it.

Hey, Arch. How are you doing?
How's everything? What's new?

New York, New Hampshire
and New Jersey.

[LAUGHING]

Funny, Arch.

Dinner's in a couple
of minutes, Archie.

Ah, Daddy, I hear you're going
to Lionel's engagement party.

Yeah, I gotta go.
I couldn't get out of it.

MICHAEL:
Yeah, uh...

Arch, uh, I have something
to tell you,

and I don't think
you're gonna like it.

What's new? I don't like
nothing you tell me.

Arch, I'm serious.

You, uh-- You're not invited
to Lionel's party.

What?

[DOORBELL RINGING]
I'll get that.

I ain't invited? Did you hear
what that meathead just said?

Oh, hi, Louise.
Come on in.

Thank you.

Oh, boy, am I glad you're here,
there, Mrs. J--

Before you say anything,
Archie,

there's something
I've gotta tell you.

George insisted
that I come over here

and extend you
a formal invitation.

George did that?

There, what do you
think of that?

Louise--
Edith!

George said he wasn't
gonna touch solid food

until I invited you.

So I'll see you
at the party, Archie.

Oh, swell.

Hey, wait a minute, Mrs. J,

wait a minute,
just before you go.

Listen, the formal invitation to
me, that includes Edith, I hope.

Oh, of course.

Yeah, yeah, great.

And another thing,
Mike and Gloria,

they've been hinting
around about going too.

Oh, they can come.

Yeah. And would you
just kind of

extend the formal invitation
to them too?

Because they don't believe
nothing I tell them.

Go ahead, go ahead.

Hey, everybody, Mrs. J's got
something to say to you here.

Mike, Gloria, Edith,
you're all invited too. Bye.

ALL: Bye.

Oh, Mrs. J, look--

You got
a very good heart.

Yeah.

Well, there you go.
What did I tell you, stupid?

And you, Edith,
don't you feel dopey now?

Oh, yeah. I guess
I got it all mixed up.

"Got it all mixed up." Mixed up.

I bet I miss a lot
of invitations this way.

[CONVERSATION & LAUGHTER]

Oh, excuse me,
will you, please?

Oh, I'm so glad to see you
enjoying yourselves.

Ted just told me
the funniest joke.

It's about these
two white dudes--

Shh! Not in front of
the help.

Well, is everything okay,
Mother Jefferson?

As well as can be expected

considering nobody's paying
any attention to me.

My son George has hardly
said a word to me all night.

But George can't help it.
He's very busy with the guests.

Too busy to speak
to his own mother?

How do you like
the food?

Let's not start
an argument, Louise.

Now, listen, you know all you
had to do was come to me,

and I would've fixed
some real food for this party.

You spend enough time
in the kitchen.

We wanted you to be a guest.

Hmph. What difference
does it make?

Nobody talks to me, anyway.

Excuse me.

George. George!

George, what have
you been doing?

Enjoying myself. Why?

Well, why don't you
make yourself useful?

Like what?

Like getting your mother
off my back.

What's the matter
with Mama?

Oh, don't get me
started on that, George.

Now get over there
and talk to her.

Let me get me
a drink first.

Hey. How's it
going, Pop?

Hey, son.
How are you?

You take good care of this
pretty little lady now.

Yeah,
I'll do that.

I like your family, Lionel.
They all seem so nice.

Oh, they got you
fooled too, huh?

Listen, what happened
to your folks?

They'll be here soon.

Lionel, have you told your
father about my parents yet?

Oh, you mean about them
being werewolves?

Oh, be serious.

No, no,
there's some things

you don't tell my father
till it's too late.

But, Lionel,
I'm worried!

Listen, relax.
Everything's gonna be okay.

Here, here! Lionel, didn't I
teach you better than that?

Ain't I doing
it right?

Look, lighten up
on the girl.

Leave her enough lips
to say, "I do."

Hi, Mama.
Everything all right?

Oh, everything
is just lovely.

But Louise said you were
upset about something.

Wherever did she
get that idea?

Why, George,
it's a lovely party.

And don't you worry about
the food being skimpy.

I'm sure nobody
will notice that.

George, that's
your second drink?

Yes, this is
my second drink, Ma.

I'll finish
it for you.

Mama, you don't have
to finish the drink for me.

George, you know,
you're just like your daddy.

He couldn't drink. I had to do
all the drinking for him too.

Come on, Archie,
this is the party.

Oh, Edith, you don't have to be
nervous with the colored crowd.

Just keep
your eye on me.

MAN: Hey.
Hi.

If you're looking for the
Elks Club, it's down the hall.

Ah, no, no. I ain't
looking for that. No, ah, no.

Do I look like
an elk?

Oh, hello,
you two.

Hi there, Mrs. J.
Hello, Louise.

Oh, so nice of you
to come, Archie.

Yeah, I know.

Where is Mike and Gloria?
I don't see them.

Oh, they're over at our house
picking up some records.

Oh, that's nice.
Oh, yeah.

Now, can I introduce
you to everybody?

Well, to tell you
the truth, Mrs. J--

Or would you rather
have a drink first?

That's the guy I wanna meet,
the bartender. Yeah, yeah.

Oh, look.
Hello, Mr. Jefferson.

Oh, hi,
Mrs. Bunker.

Hey, Jefferson, there.
How are you?

Listen,

that formal invitation you sent
by your wife,

I think that was
very white of you.

That's exactly the way I felt
when I did it.

George, why don't you
take Archie over to the bar

and offer him a drink?

Hey, Jefferson.

I seen you hosing down
your porch yesterday.

Oh, yeah? When am I going to
see you hosing down yours?

Bartender.

Yes, sir?

Get the man
a drink, please.

What will it be, sir?
Uh, whiskey.

Any particular brand?

Yeah. The expensive brand.

Ha!

And what about
you, sir?

Scotch and soda,
please.

Yes, sir.

Hey, hey, Jefferson,
there's a switch for you,

this guy giving you
the big "Yes, sir."

Why? He's the bartender,
ain't he?

Yeah, but what
I meant was

I'm used to having it
the other way round.

Oh, yeah?

How many servants you got
in that mansion you living in?

What do you mean by that?

Let me tell you
something about people.

There you are.
Thank you.

That bartender's
willing to work for me,

because if you got
enough green in your pocket,

then black becomes
his favorite color.

George,
that's your third drink.

I know that!

Well, put it down.

Mama, will you
leave me alone, please?

I said put it down.
You've had enough.

Look, Mama,
I'm a big boy now.

I don't need you
to blow my nose for me.

Now, will you
leave me alone?

George...

Hey, there, Jefferson.

That ain't very nice,

talking that way
to your little mammy here.

Who you calling "mammy"?

You.

Well, don't you dare
call me "mammy."

I'm nobody's mammy.
I'm his mother.

Now, if you got
anything to say to me,

you call me
Mrs. Jefferson.

Jeez, Mrs. Jefferson--

Don't talk to me.

That's telling him, Ma.

And don't you try
to make up to me either.

Oh, Mother Jefferson,
what's wrong?

Oh, don't.
I'm getting out of here.

George, what's going on?

He called Mama "mammy."

Oh!

I didn't think
I was doing nothing wrong.

I thought all colored people
call their mothers Mammy.

Well, I did, Jefferson.

That's what I always heard.

Jeez, Al Jolson called
his mother Mammy for years.

See that, Louise?
You see?

That's what you get
for inviting whites.

Hi. How are you?

Fine.

Oh, hey!

Uh, hey, if you're looking
for the Elks Club,

it's down the hall.

No, thanks.
I'm in the right place.

Oh, yeah? What are you,
the caterer?

No.

So, what are you
doing here, a white guy?

I'm a guest.

What are you doing here,
a white guy?

I'm the family's
white friend.

Jennie!

Oh, Mom! Hi!
You look beautiful!

Oh, so do you, baby.
So do you.

You see that little girl
over there?

That's the little girl
Lionel's going to marry.

I know. Know who
that lady is hugging her?

No.

She's my wife.

Oh, that--
Huh?

Daddy!
Hey, Jennie!

Hi.
Oh, hi, Mr. Willis.

Hi, Lionel.

Oh, I see you've
met Mr. Bunker.

Oh, yeah,
we've met.

Yeah, yeah.

Lionel, shouldn't we
introduce my parents to yours?

Oh, yeah,
yeah, sure.

Now, wait a minute.
Wait a minute, Lionel!

Hey! Do you mean to tell me that
your father ain't met that man?

Uh, no, I'm going to
introduce them right now.

This I got to see.

Mom, Pop.

Could you come over
here a second?

I got some people
I want you to meet.

Hey, Jefferson,
you're gonna love this.

Okay, okay, Mom, Pop,
this is Jennie's parents,

Mr. and Mrs. Willis.

Uh...

I'm very pleased
to meet you.

How do you do?

Mrs. Jefferson.

Mr. Jefferson.

You're white!

And you're black.

It's a kick in the head,
ain't it?

Lionel,

I want
to talk to you.

You know,
Jefferson,

all the chickens
coming home to the roost--

Please!

There's not one--

Would you just
excuse us, please?

Listen, you know
what I think?

Would you
excuse us, please?

What the hell?
I'll eat something.

Jennie, you didn't
tell them, did you?

No.

Why? Are you ashamed of us?

No, you know
better than that.

Then why?

Well, I wanted to.

But Lionel thought
it would be better to wait

because his father is--

He certainly is.

George, I thought
you said you liked Jennie.

That's before I met him.
Wait.

You don't know him.
I don't want to.

I don't want no white
in-laws in my family.

They're going to be
my in-laws, not yours.

Think, son, think.
What about your children?

What they going to be?

Oh, boys and girls, I hope.

Louis, we are
not wanted here.

Helen, don't fly
off the handle.

I want to leave
and right now.

But, Mom, you--

Jennie, you stay
out of this.

This is between
your father and me.

Okay. Okay!
Have a good time.

Can't you tell
when you've been insulted?

Now, just don't
get excited.

I am not getting excited.
I am getting mad.

Listen to them, Louise.

That's what happens
when you mix black and white.

Ten more seconds,
he's gonna call her, n*gg*r.

Listen to that.

I ain't used
that word in three years.

Louis! I'm getting madder.

Listen to this dame
over here.

Another minute,
she's gonna call him a h*nky.

Hello!

Hi. We brought
the records.

Did we
miss anything?

Only the beginning
of World w*r III.

What?

I'll explain
later.

Just play something
quick, and loud!

Oh, okay.

Louis--
Just take it easy!

Or they'll think
we're really fighting.

Who cares what they think?

Ah, come on, now, Helen.

We've run into his kind before,
black and white,

and we've always
been able to handle them.

Sure, because we never
let them walk all over us.

We did something
about it.

You want me
to do something about it?

All right, I am going to
do something about it

right now!

[ROMANTIC MUSIC PLAYING]

Head near
the door, Edith.

There's gonna be
a race riot.

Mrs. Jefferson.

Yes?

May I have this dance?

You certainly may.

Louise!

I'm standing here!

Sorry, he asked me first.

You see, Archie?
No trouble at all.

You see that,
what mixed marriage leads to?

Mixed dancing!

Mrs. Willis, you have
a lovely daughter.

Thank you.

I don't believe
we've met.

Oh. I'm Mrs. Bunker.

I ain't one of the relatives.
I'm just a good friend.

Bunker, what is
this world coming to?

Beats me, Jefferson.

All I got to say is
here's to yesterday.

Arch, you're wrong.
You're dead wrong.

Forget it, Michael! There's
no sense arguing with Daddy.

There ain't
no sense arguing.

Because I'm right,
and I know I'm right.

All this business
of mixing the colors,

you go on with that,

the first thing you know,

the whole world's
going to be one color.

Well, what's wrong
with that, Archie?

Can't you use your head?

How the hell are we gonna
tell each other apart?

["REMEMBERING YOU" PLAYING]

ANNOUNCER:
All in the Family was recorded
on tape before a live audience.