04x21 - Archie Eats and Runs

[bunniefuu]

♪ Boy, the way
Glenn Miller played ♪

♪ Songs that made
The hit parade ♪

♪ Guys like us
We had it made ♪

♪ Those were the days ♪

♪ And you knew
Where you were then ♪

♪ Girls were girls
And men were men ♪

♪ Mister, we could use a man
Like Herbert Hoover again ♪

♪ Didn't need
No welfare state ♪

♪ Everybody pulled
His weight ♪

♪ Gee, our old LaSalle
Ran great ♪

♪ Those were the days ♪

[GROGGILY] Ma.

Gloria! What are you
doing down here?

You ought
to be in bed.

I feel too bad to lie down.
Did you call Dr. Nelson?

Yeah, but he can't come.

He says he don't feel
well enough to make house calls.

Oh, no, you mean
Dr. Nelson's sick too?

Yeah, and he thinks
it sounds like

both of you got
the same thing.

Well, what did you
tell him?

I told him to take two aspirin
and get plenty of rest.

Oh, Ma.

I feel awful.

Aww. Dinner will
be ready soon.

Some nice stew will
make you feel better.

Not so loud.
My stomach might hear you.

I can't face any food.

Oh, maybe you're right.

They say, "Starve a cold
and feed a fever."

Well, what am I supposed to do?
I got a cold and a fever.

Oh, well, maybe if you ate
a little for your fever now,

you could starve a little
for your cold in the morning.

No. No food, Ma.

Edith!

There's your father.

Coming, Archie!

Hello, Archie.

Ah-choo!

Oh, gesundheit.

Ah-choo!
Oh, gesundheit!

Ah-choo!
Gesundheit!

Hello, Archie.

Wait a minute. Wait a minute.
You see what you've done?

You went back, you pick up
three loads of germs,

then you come
and dump them on me!

Stay away from me.

Daddy, you never
have any sympathy

for anybody but yourself.

Can't you see
I got the flu?

Well, whose fault
is that?

I think it's
Mr. Nixon's fault.

"I think it's
Mr. Nixon's fault."

Why?

Well, making us put
our thermostat down so low.

It gets awful chilly
upstairs at night.

In their bedroom
it ain't never chilly.

Come on.
Very funny.

Let's get a little dinner on
the table here, huh, Edith.

Dinner's all ready,
Archie.

I'm just waiting
for Mike to come home.

Oh, jeez, what happened? His
chow radar ain't working today?

Michael had a very important
lecture he had to attend.

Oh, well, listen,
that's tough luck on him.

We ain't waiting.
Come on, Edith. Get it on, huh?

All right.

We always wait for you.

That, little girl,
is because

I happen to be the breadwinner
in this house.

Your husband is the crumb.

Here you are, Archie.

I'm keeping Mike's
warm for him.

Oh, look at this.

Hey, this looks pretty good
here, Edith.

Yeah, it's
beef-and-mushroom stew.

Oh,
beef-and-mushroom stew.

Hey, jeez, that's
something good here, Edith.

You really overdone yourself
tonight here.

Aww.

Mmm.

Delicious.

Ain't you gonna
eat nothing here?

Oh, no, I had
a big lunch

at the Women's League meeting
at the church.

I ain't hungry yet.

All right.

Ain't you got
nothing to do, Edith?

Oh, that's all right,
Archie.

I don't mind
keeping you company.

Edith,
it makes me nervous

to have you sitting here
listening to me chew.

Oh, no, Archie, you ain't hardly
making any noise at all.

[GROANS]

Hi.
EDITH: Oh, Mike!

I'll get your dinner
right away.

Oh, thanks, Ma.
I'm hungry.

The day you ain't hungry,

I'm gonna phone in the news
to bigmouth Cronkite.

That's funny, Arch.
Funny.

Honey, what's the matter?

Oh, Michael, I--

Ah-choo!
You got a cold!

You got a cold!

Get away! Get away!
Get away!

What kind of a greeting
is that?

"Get away! Get away!
Get away!"

Can't you see
I feel terrible?

Honey, this morning--

Can't you see
that I'm sick,

that I have the flu?

Daddy, do you hear the way
he's talking to me?

Hey, look, now, don't be
blowing your bicromes

over all the food here.

I don't believe this.

My own father pushes me
away from the table.

And my own husband,

who I just stood up for
before he came home,

is attacking me
because I have a cold.

You know something, Michael,
I may be sick,

but you're sick.

Gloria, I'm sorry. Honey--
I'll come up and sit with you.

All right?

Dinner, Mike.

Oh, thanks, Ma.

Did you say
dinner was ready?

EDITH:
Yeah.

I'll be up
in a minute, honey.

Yeah, he'll be up,
honey,

as soon as he
fills his face here.

Hey.

Looks good, Ma.
What is it?

Beef-and-mushroom stew.

Mushrooms?

EDITH:
Yeah.

Ma, I don't think we ought
to be eating mushrooms.

Oh, jeez, listen to
the ecrology nut over here.

Mushrooms ain't
no endangered species.

Nobody's going out
sh**ting mushrooms.

Arch, we may be endangered
if we eat them.

No, Mike, mushrooms
are good for you.

Frank Lorenzo
was telling me

how they grow them
in a special fertilizer.

Oh, jeez, can't you
be delicate? I'm eating.

Ma, didn't you see the article
in today's paper?

They recalled
a whole batch of mushrooms

because of food poisoning.

[SCOFFS]

Oh, my! I hope I ain't
poisoned you, Archie.

Don't be stupid.

If you'd poisoned me, I'd be
heaving up all over the table.

Archie.

Ma, when did you
buy these mushrooms?

Day before yesterday.

That was before the recall.

The cans you bought might be
some of the bad ones.

Arch, I don't think you should
be eating any more of that

until we find out what kind
of mushrooms these are.

Listen, wise guy,
if you think

you're gonna ruin my dinner
with all this bad news,

you're wrong, because
I'm already finished.

Arch, I'm just
telling you--

[BELCHES]

Would you bring me my coffee
over to the coffee table?

All right.

Arch, I think we ought to
check out those mushrooms.

And I think that you ought to
check out of this here country.

What?

You're always
burnin' down

everything that
America stands for.

America stands
for mushrooms?

Get out of here.

You and your heroes
like that Ralph Nader,

you're giving the whole country
a pain in the butt.

Arch, you ought to be grateful
for Ralph Nader.

Do you realize
that before

there were hardly any cars
recalled for being defective,

but in there were
nearly million cars recalled.

And do you realize
that in ...

who cares?

Nader cares, Arch.
And you should too.

You drive a cab
part-time.

Ralph Nader may
save your life someday.

How? By making people
scared to ride with me?

The only person
that's deflective is Nader.

Nader ain't
doing the country no good.

Oh, oh, oh. I get it.

What's good for General Motors
is good for the country.

You're damn right.

BOTH: And Ralph Nader ain't
no good for General Motors!

No!

Here you are, Archie.

Are you feeling
anything yet?

What?

I mean, are the mushrooms
getting to you?

What, are you helping?

No!

I'm feeling fine.

I don't want to hear
nothing more about mushrooms.

Oh, that's good.

Not necessarily, Ma.

If he's
got botulism,

the symptoms might not
show for hours.

If I got what?

Botulism.

Get out of here. Nobody ever
went crazy eating mushrooms.

Arch, "botulism" means
"food poisoning,"

and I think we ought to
check those mushrooms.

Oh, I think so too.

What do you know
about it?

He's nuts. I'll give you
a for instance.

How many different
brands of mushrooms

are sold all over
this here country?

Oh, thousands.

All right.

And how many cans
do you think are bought?

Millions.

So what do you think
the chances are

of me getting
the one bad can

out of all them
millions of cans?

What is it,
to ?

What is that, the new math?

I'm glad you're all right,
Archie.

One of the troubles
with this country

is that some little thing
goes wrong, everybody panics.

Oh, hi, honey.
Honey.

I'm sorry. I was
on my way up, really.

Oh, that's all right,
Michael.

I understand.

Out of sight,
out of mind.

Oh. Honey, don't be that way.

Ma, did you put any mushrooms
in your stew today?

Yeah. Why?

Oh, no.
Did everybody eat it?

No, just Archie.

Why are you asking?

Well, because I was
listening to the radio,

and the news
was just on,

and they said that
three people in Queens

are in the hospital
with botulism

from eating
canned mushrooms.

Huh?
You hear that?

Archie!

GLORIA:
You know what else they said?

One person died from it.

Somebody died
from it.

All right, there's your
one dead guy out of .

I'm in the clear.

She said somebody died
in Queens.

Ah, she didn't say
nothing like that.

Yes, Daddy, in Queens.

What part of Queens?

What brand of mushrooms
was it?

Will you shut up?

What part of Queens?

I don't know. They said
it was Pocono mushrooms.

Pocono. Well, all right, don't
start a panic now, will you?

Edith, what brand of mushrooms
did you buy?

I can't remember.

Come on, come on, come on.
Think, will you?

Was they the Poconos?

Arch, take it easy.
Don't panic.

Will you stay
out of this?

Now, take it easy.
Don't panic.

Just think. Think.

Yeah, I'm thinking.

All I can remember is there was
something funny about the name.

Pocono's a funny name.

What's funny about it?

They had a pink label,

and they was a bargain:
three for cents.

So I got three cans.

Are you telling me that you put
three cans of poison in my stew?

Why don't we check the cans
and see what brand they were?

Why don't you
stay out of this?

Edith, we got to check the cans
and see what brand they were.

What did you do
with the cans?

I put them in
the garbage pail.

You put them in
the garbage pail?

Look in that garbage pail
in there.

Get out of the way here.
Let me look--

Get out of the way!

There ain't no garbage
in the garbage pail!

Oh, no, I put them
in the trash can.

Look in the trash can
outside.

You're in the way, Edith. You're
in the way. You're in the way.

MIKE:
There's nothing here!

Edith, there ain't no garbage
in the trash can.

What are you doing?

I'm trying
to tell you, Archie,

the garbage men
came this morning.

Well, why don't we
call Ferguson's?

They may not even carry
Pocono mushrooms.

We got to
call Ferguson's.

Will you let me
get in the door!

You're in the way again, Edith.
You're in the way again.

You're in the way again!

GLORIA:
I know the number.

Come on.
What's the number?

It's five--
Five.

Five.
Five.

[SNEEZES]

Come on!
Come on!

Three.
Three.

One.
One.

Five.
Five.

Two.
Two.

Huh? What's the rest of it?

You only gave me six numbers!

I gave you seven numbers.

You gave me six. One of
those numbers was a sneeze!

Will you get on with it?
What do you want me to do?

Do you see a sneeze
on this dial?

Start over, huh?

MIKE: Start over.
Start over.

Five,
five, five.

MIKE:
Five, five, five.

Three.
Three.

One.
One.

Five.
Oh, jeez, here she goes again!

What's the number?

I forget!

Aahhhh! Look it up
in the phone book.

Don't hang up the phone.
Keep the line hot there.

Give me the book.
I'll look it up myself.

I ain't got my glasses on.
I can't see. Where's my glasses?

Ferguson. Ferguson.
Ferguson. Ferguson. Ferguson.

F! F!

I got it!

Here it is! Here it is!
Here it is!

BOTH: - .

Yeah.

Well, will you
dial the number?

Five, five, five...

Ah, ah...
ARCHIE: Hey, hey, hey!

Don't you sneeze no more!

MIKE:
All right, shush.

It's ringing!
It's ringing!

Hey!

Uh, hello.
Ferguson's?

Uh-- Uh--

Do you carry
Pocono mushrooms?

You don't?

Oh, jeez, I'm okay.

Not since they were
recalled this morning.

I'm in trouble, Edith!

Mike, ask them, did the can
have a pink label?

Yeah, did the Pocono mushroom
can have a pink label?

With a little yellow
on it.

Yellow on it.

A pink-and-yellow label.

Thanks.

Oh, jeez, Edith,

I can almost feel the pain
already.

Daddy, what kind
of a pain?

What the hell kind of a pain
do you think? A poison pain!

Oh, sit down, Archie.
No! Don't sit down!

The worst thing you can do.
Keep moving. Keep moving.

Let me keep moving here.

Why don't you lie down?

Let me lay down, Edith.

Wait, wait!

Do you want an enema?

The poison is up here.
It ain't down there, Edith!

Put your jacket on.

I ain't cold.

Come on! We're going to
the emergency hospital.

Emergency hospital?

Let's go! Hurry up!

Emergency hospital?
Come on!

Hey, Edith.
I could be dying, Edith.

I want to go!

You can't go to the hospital!
You're sick!

Ah... Ah... Ah...

[MOANS]

Hey, nurse,
hurry it up, will you?

When do I get
to see the doc?

You'll have to wait your turn.

I've been waiting half a day.
I'm growing cobwebs here.

We'll get to you
as quick as we can.

Next.

Lewis. Mr. Fred Lewis,
the doctor will see you now.

Mr. Lewis!

He's gone. He said he couldn't
wait no longer.

He was losing
too much blood.

Wexler. Mary Wexler.

Here.

Take this in
with you.

Thank you.

DOCTOR:
Close the door, Mr. Lewis.

I need to see a doctor right
away. I'm an emergency.

Emergency.

Yeah, that's what I said,
emergency.

Just a minute,
please.

I'm talking
on the phone.

I can see that.

Yes?

I'm sorry,
Dr. Swenson's not on duty.

I'll take anybody you got.

He won't be back till Tuesday.

I can't wait
till Tuesday.

No, that's all right.

You're very welcome.

Yes?

I just said to you,
it's an emergency.

There's no need
to shout at me, sir.

Look, he might've been poisoned.
He needs help quickly.

Yeah,
faster than quickly.

Name?

Archie Bunker.

Look, he ate
some recalled mushrooms.

Address?

Hauser Street.

Social security number?

- - ...
Jeez, I'm in pain.

Can't you type
no faster than that?

I thought nurses were supposed
to be quick with their hands.

What do you want me to do?
Break a nail?

Jeez, I'd rather die
than do that.

Mother's maiden name?

She's dead! What do you
gotta know that for?

Lornstreet.
Sarah Lornstreet.

I'll tell her you asked for her
when I see her in a few minutes.

Take a seat. The doctor
will be with you shortly.

Look, missus,
I ate poisoned mushrooms--

I said take a seat!

[MOANS MOCKINGLY]

Where's a seat?

And look at you there.
You want me to lay on the floor?

Sorry. Sorry.
Get out of here!

I hope you ain't
in no hurry.

We are.

Well, you've come
to the wrong place.

They won't even look at you
unless you drop dead.

Are all these people
ahead of us?

They're ahead of you?

Nobody's ahead of me!

Don't talk to him. He probably
got shot in a holdup.

Next.

Duffy. Joe Duffy!

I don't believe it.

Hey, hey, doc--

Hey, doc, I got a poison pain
knifing right through me here.

What's the matter
with this man?

He says he ate
poison mushrooms.

Yeah.
Inside.

Yeah, thanks, doc.

Hey, doc, doc, doc,
what about my arm?

Hang on to it.

Right, where's the pain?

Well, it's all over, doc,

but I think it starts
around here--

These mushrooms you ate,

they weren't Poconos,
by any chance, were they?

I got a bulletin
on them today.

Yeah, that was the kind
I had, Poconos.

All right, don't panic.

Do you have blurred vision?

I don't know.
I ain't got my glasses.

Let me try and read something
here. Yeah, it's blurred.

Any lassitude?

No, she never puts that in
the stew, only the mushrooms.

I mean, do you feel
fatigued, tired?

Oh, jeez,
I could use sleep, doc.

Well, we better not take
any chances.

Well, I hate to hustle you
or anything--

Listen, I want to be very
careful with this antitoxin.

The what?

The antidote for botulism.

Some people
are very allergic to it.

Is that right?
What's it do to someone?

Well, reactions vary.

In some cases
it could cause arthritis.

Oh...

But the botulism,
it can k*ll you, right?

Very quickly.

Oh, well, jeez,
let's think about this,

'cause, see, I know a guy
that can bowl with arthritis.

But with botulism,
all you can be is dead, huh?

Okay, let's go
for the arthritis.

All right, just relax
and breathe steadily.

Yeah, okay, doc,
anything you say.

[BREATHING DEEPLY]

Am I doing okay, doc?

Yeah, just fine.

Good.

Hey, let me ask you something.

This anecdote you give, uh...

how are you
supposed to take that?

Intravenously.

Oh, that's good,

because I can take anything
off a spoon.

I can't stand sh*ts.

I was worried,
coming here on a bus,

whether we'd be here
in time, you know,

because it takes
a long time from--

Uh... Hey!

Hey!

Hey-eh-hey-hey!

Hey-eh-eh-eh!

Hey! Hey!

Hey.

Hey!

Hey.

Hey!!

Hey!

Hey! Hey! Hey! Hey!

Hey! Hey! Hey! Hey! Hey...

Can't you walk behind me

without bumping into
my sore arm?

I never touched it, Arch.

Daddy, Daddy,
are you all right?

I've been worried sick
about you.

Why didn't you call me
from the hospital,

let me know how you were?

Jeez, it was terrible down
at that hospital, little girl.

But it's okay. You're gonna
still have your daddy with you.

Listen, help me over
to the sofa there, huh?

Okay.
Arggh!

Will you get away
from me?

Just my daughter, huh?
Here, take me.

Come on, Daddy,
come on. Come on.

Here. All right.
Help me into the sofa.

Arggh!

Get away from me!

Daddy...
Oh.

Put the pillow
back there, huh?

There you go.

Ahh. Thank you,
my darling.

Where's Ma?

Oh, she stopped at Ferguson's
to get some ice cream.

Ice cream.
ARCHIE: Yeah.

To cool down my burning guts.

You know,
I think he's delirious.

He blew $ . on a taxi.

Eh, $ with the tip.

Wait a minute.
You took a cab?

Oh, that's all right.

I'm gonna charge them mushroom
people with every dime of it.

Of course, I'm gonna sue them
for every dime they've got.

Here, you go get me the number
of that law firm that I had

the time I had
the whiplash there.

Oh, what was
their name?

Oh, jeez, I forget.
Now, let me think.

There was three Jewish guys,

all with the same name
in the same family--

Jewish name.

Well, what do you
want me to do?

Look them up in the Yellow Pages
under "Jewish lawyers"?

No, that would take too long.

Go get the shoebox

where your mother keeps
all that useless paper.

There's a letter in there
from that firm to me.

I don't know, Arch.

I don't think
you got much of a case.

Ah, what are you talking about?
Look at my hurt arm there.

Look at the way
my eyesight went blurry

from the lastitude
they put in them mushrooms.

Arch, you still can't prove
that you ate Pocono mushrooms.

Ah-hah, buddy boy,
nobody can prove that I didn't.

In this country,
the good old USA,

a man still stands poisoned
till he's proved healthy.

Come on, get out of my chair.

You're not sitting in it.

Your butt always changes the
shape of it. Get out of there!

Arggh!

You walked into me.

Get away from-- Oh!

Oh.

Arch,

you still need evidence.

What are you talking about?

Look at all
they put me through, huh.

Look at the way I hurt all over.

What about the sworn testiphony
of your mother-in-law there?

That's evidence, buddy.
We got a case.

And let me tell you something.

A case like that could be worth
, , grand.

I'm gonna make
them mushroom people

put their mouth
where their money is.

What do you mean by that?

I mean that the bosses
of that company

ought to taste
every mouthful of food

before it leaves the factory.

How are they gonna do that?

What do you mean, how?

Ain't you never heard
of the olden days,

in the days of kings?

The king used to have a
special cook to taste the food.

If the cook dropped down dead,
the king says, "Hey..."

Then the king went back
to the kitchen

and made a sandwich
for himself.

Daddy, I think I found it.

Is this them? Rabinowitz,
Rabinowitz & Rabinowitz?

That's them,
the three wise men.

Now, Meathead,

you're gonna see some
swift legal action.

Get them on the blower
for me there.

At this time of night?

Go on. They've got
an answering service.

Get them on
the phone there.

You wait and see now.

[SNEEZES]

Ah, don't be spraying
into the phone.

What do you want to do?
Give the three Jews the flu?

Give it to me, here.

Archie, I got
the most wonderful news.

Save it, save it,
I'm dialing a number here.

At Ferguson's just now,

I saw some of the same mushrooms
you had for dinner,

and I brought
some of them home.

Oh-ho-ho,
great work, Edith.

You hear that?

Your mother-in-law just brought
home the poisoned evidence.

Wait. I thought
they were all recalled.

Only the Poconos, Mike.

That's the good news.

The mushrooms you ate, Archie,
were Top Caps, see?

Hold on. Is this the service--?
Hold on just a second. What?

They got the same pink label
as the Poconos,

but the yellow is just
a special sticker

that says " for ."

Ain't it wonderful,
Archie?

You weren't poisoned
at all.

"You weren't poisoned
at all."

Tell Rabinowitz forget it.
We ain't got no case!

That's wonderful, Edith.

Do you know
what you done to us?

You just cost us $ , .

I'm sorry, Archie.

And where does
that leave me?

Walking around here

with a lot of that antitoxin
cruising through my system,

looking for some disease
to attack.

Arch,
better luck next time.

Arggh!

Mm-mm-mm.

Ma, this mushroom omelet
is great.

Daddy, you ought to
try yours.

I mean, why waste
the shot you had?

It's good to see you
eating again, Gloria.

I'm glad you shook off
that terrible cold.

Ah, clamp up, will you?
Clamp up.

She shook off the cold
and then she shook it onto me.

[SNEEZES]

["REMEMBERING YOU" PLAYING]

ANNOUNCER:
All in the Family was recorded
on tape before a live audience.