05x03 - Everyone Gets Atrophy

[bunniefuu]

Now the story
of a wealthy family

who lost everything,
and the one son who had no choice

but to keep them all together.

It's...

Michael Bluth had just reunited
with his family.

Now that the original Michael's back,
I suppose we don't need two

hands-on-our-hips,
pipe-up-our-rectum scolds.

So you can go.

Back to playing Tobias. Yes.

Exactly, because I am still
a valued family member.

At least until both signatures are
on the divorce papers, which were

so cruelly served to me
from the back seat of my car

by someone who thought
I was a Lyft driver.

Could have been the pink mustache.

Oh, how funny.

Lucille thought it looked pink, too.

That's because everybody's thinking

about Tony Wonder's beard.

- It was pink, right?
- I dyed it

what I assumed was the color
of Michael's skin.

Although now that you're back,
I do wish I had used

a less permanent dye.

I only remember the thing about Tony

because of the "W,"
and his beard was a "W,"

which I thought, you know,
for Wonder, was funny.

You know, it tickled me.

- His beard tickled me.
- Yeah.

And is that part of what
you look so confused about?

It is on the list.

I want to go back
to why you're all in here, though.

Oh, we're sh**ting footage for Lindsay.

Campaign footage.

You're running for office now?

As a matter of fact, I am.
I want to be part of the problem.

Although, weeks earlier,

Lindsay wasn't eager
to rejoin the family herself.

So, how's Mom? Is she mad at me?

Mad at you?
Why would she be mad at you?

You didn't hear?

There may be some
compromising pictures of me

with the candidate Herbert Love.

If she saw those,
she'd never let me hear the end of it.

Oh, listen,

you're intelligent
and you're wonderful and ethical

and you're great. I mean, don't worry.

She's jealous.

Lindsay had never heard
her father talk this way.

- Jealous of me?
- Mm.

It's probably just because I'm younger.

A puta.

You know, yes, she did mention that.

Maybe it's time to just, uh,
change your ways.

Start fresh.

And perhaps Lindsay would have
gotten a little healthier...

...had the cell reception
been a little worse.

It's Mom.

Mom. Hi.

I need you to run for office.

I told Herbert Love's campaign
that you'd be taking over.

What? No. Mom, I can't do that.

It would mean going up against Lucille 2,
and Sally Sitwell is running her campaign.

Lucille 2 is not going to be a problem.

And Sally hasn't been seen since Cinco.

It was true.

Sally had stolen a lot of money.

If G.O.B. finds out you're straight,
he'll use it to ruin you.

I'll lose the hundred grand
I stole from Lucille Austero

to rebrand you as the gay magician.

But when Sally found out

Lucille Austero's political opponent
had been knocked out...

she chose to get out of town

before people started asking questions.

- She packed light.
- I'm wondering if someone could help me.

- Somebody say "Wonder"?
- Not wonder.

- No one's wondering!
- Just Tony.

So, you're unopposed...

and I need you.

It was the first time

Lindsay's mother had ever told her
she needed her.

You said it.

I said it!

Well, she read it.

George Sr.
and G.O.B. had also been in Mexico

and were growing tired
of their fruitless peacocking.

I hate everything about my life,
including you.

Well, that's not the horniest thing
I've heard.

Daddy not horny.

Yeah, I guess these shirts

kind of pumped up the pressure on that.

I don't know
what's wrong with me.

I feel like one of these bulls
on my breasts.

His whole life,
he's bred to be the strongest

and the toughest
and he's got to have the biggest balls.

Why?

So when you're in your prime,
they can drug you

and throw you out
in front of a crowd of people

who just want to see you die

so some guy
in crushed velvet pants can come out

and just stick a sword in you.

You're a bull who wants
to stick it in everybody,

and everybody ends up sticking it in you.

And G.O.B. started opening up, too.

I tried to buy those velvet pants.

But I chickened out
and got these shirts instead.

I have a friend, this guy Tony...

not a friend.

He's nice.

He had a face like mine...

but same.

♪ I started a joke ♪

Hello, darkness.

- ♪ Which started the whole world crying ♪
- Sorry, I'm taken.

What's that from?

G.O.B.'s transformation...

- ...would also be interrupted.
- It's your mother.

We're going back to work.

You're going to be the new face
of the company.

That was Mom.
She wants me back.

My God. Must be nice to be wanted,

even if it's just your mom.

Oh, cry me a blizzard, snowflake.
I gotta run.

You got this, right?

Look who's horny now.

G.O.B. wasn't the only family member

on the verge of growing in Mexico.

As you can see,
the reward is simply in the giving.

Most people, they cannot resist

taking advantage of the truly vulnerable.

When she, too, received a call.

Oh.

- Mom?
- No, it's Lindsay.

Uh, uh...
Mom. Yes. To you.

Of course I'm Mom.

I'm running for Congress,

and I don't have a campaign manager
and I need you.

Maeby had never heard
her mother this vulnerable.

Yeah. Sounds great. I'm in.

Hey. It is hard to resist.

Taking advantage of the vulnerable.

- And I'm her campaign manager.
- Is that Maeby?

Oh, my gosh. I didn't even recognize you.

It's a teenager thing.
I could never pull that off.

They want to look old, we want to look...

You don't look very young.

Oh, the laughter.
That's why we're gonna get the award.

No one's taking it away from us!

Let them try.

The award?

Oh, look at him, like he doesn't know.

- We're going to win Family of the Year.
- Family of the Month.

- Year?! Are you for...
- Mother Family

- of the Mother Year!
- Of the year.

We just found out!

- Wow.
- We're getting the Golden Anchor Award.

Guess they think
our family's been an anchor

of the O.C. community.

Huh. Who is giving you this award?

Check it, Mike.
My anchor is giving us the award.

See, she used to be
an Orange County weather girl,

which is just tits, teeth and ass, right?

Now she's the host of O.C. Can You Say,

which is tits, teeth, public affairs, ass,

some light interviews.

I mean, it's so much more responsibility!

He's making it sound more important
than it really is.

Is he?

She was married to that news anchor
who said such horrible things

about me when I was trying
to save Buster with that boat.

- John Beard.
- Yeah.

She's my Beard now.

What I meant was,
what organization

- is giving you the award?
- Well,

technically,
it's from the Bluth-Austero Company.

Oh, I see.
So you're giving it to yourself.

Well, it's mostly from the Austero side.

Perfect timing for my campaign.

Our Lindsay.

I've never been less ashamed of her.

- Did I say what I think I said?
- Yes, you did.

Hey, man, look who's joining in!

Where is Lucille Austero?

No one knows.

Oh.

She flew the coop.
In the middle of running for Congress.

I mean, no one remembers seeing her
since Cinco de Cuatro.

And we didn't want the crew in our house.

No, and it was okay with Lucille 2.
She gave us the key.

It was during the 1992
African-American riots,

and they had every right.

- Every right.
- Every right.

Mm.

I find all of this...
it's just very hard to believe.

Tell you
what is hard beyond belief.

My God, I wish you could get
a feel on these two things

that Joni's got going over here.

They're like two geodes!

- Hmm.
- You can feel them.

I can't. My go-to joke

is that these are the best two things
John Beard's money can buy.

That's a go-to.

Now you're back.
You'll bring George Michael.

We'll show the world
what a great family we are.

Oh, that's good.
Family is so important to me.

- Sometimes my own family.
- Actually,

Michael hadn't spoken
to his son in months

and didn't even know he had been
in Mexico.

Can we get four pretzels, two Cokes,
and two Mexican Cokes?

My friend, you're in México.

We have Coke and American Coke.

I didn't wish to offend.

I'm sorry. I'm probably grumpy
because I was out

late last night, raping and murdering.

Not cool. I wouldn't joke about that.

I r*pe and m*rder, and I joke.

And feeling unwelcome in this land

that was still pretty welcoming,

George Michael returned home,

but wasn't quite ready
to deal with real life.

And seeing his father had left town,

and perhaps not ready to return
to the responsibilities he'd left,

he decided to ease back in,

returning to his childhood home.

Hello? Here to clean the windows!

And upon finding it empty,

he soon began what can
only be described as...

Total regression!

Dangerous Cousins!

Oh, my God, Quicken.

God, it's so much smaller
than I remember.

Perhaps it was a yearning

to go back to a simpler,
less complicated time.

But there was no denying he was older
and more mature.

Not to mention, looking for love.

But aside from a few setbacks,

George Michael was enjoying
a break from responsibility.

For scenario two,
you just found out

that your Darth Vader figure
is dating your girlfriend,

and you find out he knew she was your...
Whatever. Who gives a sh*t?

As usual, guys,
just apply your own scenarios to these.

Soon he, too, was teaching a course
in a program of his own creation.

Go left.

He even inspired a certain move
that would eventually appear

two years later
in a Han Solo origin picture.

But the desire to return to a simpler time

might explain why his heart raced

when Maeby texted him a message.

sh*t.

♪ Honey to the bear, baby ♪

George Michael gave more thought
to a response

than perhaps was necessary...

♪ Yes, I do ♪

♪ Yes, I do ♪

...and wasn't quite proud
of his final selection.

♪ Like honey to the bear, baby ♪

There. That way...

She can figure it out.

And he headed off to the penthouse,

lost in an adolescent fantasy...

- Hi... don't like it.
- ...that he was soon shaken out of.

What? My hair?

No, no, I like it. I just, uh,

don't like that I'm just seeing it now.

I guess I was picturing you at 16.

But I-I don't know why I... do that.

- But why did you do that?
- Well, truthfully...

No, I'll just tell you the truth:
it's a wig.

Now that I'm working
for my mom's campaign,

I thought a gray-haired daughter

would add some years to her,
but, turns out, nope.

She thinks it's a cool new thing
and it makes her look hip.

Everything I've given her

to do or say has only made her
go up in the polls.

It's like the more offensive it is,

- the more people get behind her.
- It was true.

Remember, just stick to the words. Okay?

She had her mother mock a reporter

- who had a speech problem...
- This so-called reporter

from the Wee Guardian says I was right.

Now, suddenly, she's...

"Perhaps I've recalled incorrectly.

I'm positively knackered."

The candidate made no fans in Wee Britain,

but on the other side of the Anaheim pond,

the comment only made her more popular.

...and release a hot mic tape.

...after the damning
hot mic piece surfaced.

Although, remember,
this was in 2015,

and many of the offensive comments

almost seem quaint by today's standards.

- Did you get that?
- Oh, yeah.

Okay.

While shocking,
the video seems to have only given her

a big rise in the polls.

It certainly had that effect on me.

- Not necessary!
- Don't sack me.

She keeps polling higher.

What am I doing right?

Well, it probably doesn't help that,
except for you, she's running unopposed.

Yeah. That's why I came up with
the idea for us to kiss.

So the kissing is part of a plan?

Yeah. I thought we could do it
when the whole family

is on camera getting
the Family of the Year Award.

Family of the Year Award?
Who'd give us that?

- We're giving it to ourselves.
- Right.

Still doesn't seem like
we'd get the votes.

So when my mom's giving the speech,

we'll be in the background,
and we're just going at it.

And I'm like,

"Why have I never thought of that before?"

Kind of feels like you have.

To me, it seems like what you really want

is for your mother
to see you for who you are.

Why don't you write a speech
for her to say about you,

about how lovely and smart you are,

how you've blossomed as a young woman

into this incredibly beautiful
and special person

that anyone would be lucky
to get to share their life with.

I think I see
where you're going with this.

An incredibly attractive,

incredibly rare and precious gem.

And then, I open my mouth,

and I have these rotted out meth teeth.

And I'm like,
"Then why do I gotta my cousin

for some meth money, Mom?"
You know, or something like that.

- I feel like we're circling it.
- Yeah.

I don't know, maybe that's just a shade

unnecessarily cruel.

Well,
at least I didn't punch her in the face.

Ah, I still feel so weird.
I haven't even seen my dad since that day.

Yeah. He seems fine.

- Oh, you've seen him?
- Yeah. He's across the hall.

- Wait, who is?
- Everyone.

- Your dad, my mom, the whole family.
- My dad's across the hall?

Where Michael's father currently had

his own son in a panic.

- No, I'm fine.
- Yeah?

I'm fine. It's just, uh,
I like, you know...

I just like the feeling of, uh...

...feeling something.

It's just nice to have
some control over one's life.

But your mother is a wonderful person!

I've screamed the same thing many times

I was worried she was in earshot.

You sure you two are okay?

I mean, the last I heard,
you two were getting a divorce,

and now it seems like everything's just...

- Forgotten?
- Yeah.

You know our family motto.

We forget, but we never forgive.

I remember the framed needlepoint.

You'll see. In life,
you don't want to carry that much hate.

Although, by not forgiving,

you're throwing everything out
and just keeping the hate.

Well, how do you think
she keeps that figure?

No. Okay, I'm going for a feeling.

- Let's get inside.
- I'm fine.

- That's enough air.
- I'm fine. Hey!

What's that trophy gonna look like, huh?

Oh! Everyone gets a trophy, huh, Pop?

- Well...
- When I was a kid,

you said, "You want a trophy?
Try harder, G.O.B."

Huh. Well, maybe I...

- did something right, huh?
- But I was like,

"But you gave one to everybody else.

What happened to
everybody gets a trophy?"

There was that then.
It was getting started, but...

Meanwhile,
the guy who could've tried harder

is now giving it to the not super young,
obviously,

but still fairly well known
local TV host whose breasts...

and you're gonna be surprised
to hear this coming from me...

may be a little bit too hard.

High class problem, huh, Mike?

I wish you could get a feel
next time, Mike.

There is something not right with those.

Yeah, well,
I'm in town such a short time,

- so next time.
- Well...

One less trophy, huh, Mom?

There's one trophy: The Golden Anchor,

and Lindsay gets it.

Wait, what?
For Family of the Year?! No!

We need her to be the center of this.

She's the one running for office.

What about Dad?
You're the head of the family.

You're the alpha. Or me, for that matter.

I am the CEO. Mom said.

Fine, I'll get trophies for everyone.

Everyone gets a trophy.

Count me out.

- Fine. Everyone but G.O.B.
- No!

You sure I didn't mention that
in the text?

Yeah. I read that thing down.

- Hmm.
- Should I go say hi to him?

I haven't seen my Darth since I hit him.

What if he asks me about Rebel?

That's the love of his life,
that he gave up for me,

and I haven't even called her once.

Just tell him that.

- The truth, huh?
- Yeah.

Sometimes, the truth can hurt a man

more than the most brutally fashioned lie.

I should get out of here.

Is anyone else noticing

that the family isn't quite,
uh, as we remember them?

- In what way?
- That is not Buster.

Oh, I'm in.

Uh, Buster,

oh, um, it's about time you got here,
um, to the penthouse.

Did the skit start?
I don't have the hook thing.

- Hey, what's happening?
- Shh!

Can I just do this
with my hand instead, Tobias?

Michael. I'm Michael.

Just stay in it, Murphy...
uh, Buster, stay in...

He did a fantastic job as Buster

in the campaign interviews,
so I will get him there,

uh, for the awards ceremony, I will.

He's a young actor.

I don't really want to be an actor.

- It's not what I want to do.
- Oh, and, uh,

who's making you be an actor, Buster?

He's talking to you...

- Shut up, Lindsay!
- Li... your sister.

Your sis... Lindsay... sister.

Who's making you be an actor?

- My father?
- What?

Who? Him?

How could you do this to our son?

- His son. Your son. I...
- Okay.

I have to pull myself out of this part.

I'm going in and out of Michael
like a cuckoo clock bird.

Okay, so, I'm Michael,
uh, G.O.B. is G.O.B.,

Michael is no one.

And opening night energy, Places and re...

- Peas and carrots. Red leather...
- Tobias! Hey, hey!

- We do not need a Buster, okay?
- That's right! Michael has him.

Indeed,
and here he comes.

- Has who?
- Has who?

Buster.

Y-You said you'd look after him.

- That's the first I'm hearing about it.
- We've heard about it.

Michael, why are you lying about
not having Buster with you?

- Oh, no, I'm not lying about anything.
- Well, he kind of was.

As months earlier,
he had laid out a scheme

to make it seem like
Buster was a missing person.

So, we gotta wait about 48 hours
before we declare you missing.

- Then they put out an APB.
- At which point,

Buster was to go to the police station
and say...

"You were looking for me.
Here I am."

Let them race back into town
and save everyone for a change.

In fact, I keep forgetting to ask,
uh, what was it

that brought everyone back
together in town this time?

Well, Lucille 2 was missing,

and we had an obligation
to look after the company.

So, it's not because of Buster.

- I see. Listen, I don't...
- Yeah.

What Michael didn't know
was that while the police

had gotten ahold of Buster...

You think that's me?

...they were more concerned

with a different missing person.

I mean, that guy obviously
has a giant rubber hand,

and I have a giant melted hand
that smells like Bounce.

I'm in the movie.

Okay, that's definitely me.

I'm just surprised to see it,
since I'm pretty sure I erased that video.

You sure you don't want an attorney?

No. Michael was very clear about that.

- I'm just a missing person.
- Not anymore.

We don't need a bad cop.
Go home.

- See your kid.
- Thanks, Rick.

That's why you're the good cop.

I don't know what lesson you're trying
to teach me, but you're back.

You're probably hiding Buster.
I mean, who knows? It's just...

Not my problem anymore,
in any event, okay?

I got my own son to worry about.

I am, uh, I'm leaving. Goodbye.

- Bye.
- I will not be back this time.

It's all about my son.

That was so helpful, thank you.
If you could...

- Get your stuff. Let's get out of here.
- Dad.

- Hey.
- Oh!

Hey. Hey, son.

Oh, my goodness, look who it is.

- I was just gonna call you.
- This is, uh...

- Back in town or...?
- Are you, um...

Briefly. You going
to the family thing that we're...

- Giving to ourselves? No.
- Huh? Yeah.

- I, uh, can't make it.
- Yeah? No?

- Should I tell them?
- Well, you know, listen,

I-I wasn't gonna go,
so don't-don't not go,

because I'm... you know.

- You're the reason I would go.
- Oh, yeah?

- I just have some plans, so I can't. Yeah.
- Sweet.

You got plans, huh?
Well, we make plans, and God laughs.

- That's right.
- Right?

- No, I always want to make plans, but...
- Hmm.

You don't want to be laughed at.

Tell me. Yeah. Well, I won't laugh.

Do you have plans with Rebel?

- Uh, yeah, I do, yeah. I do. Yeah, no.
- Good for you guys.

It's-it's fun stuff, yeah.

Stuff I think, even if you weren't God,
you'd find funny.

You can't ask for more than that.

But that's none of my business, yeah?

Only reason I ask,
'cause I'm going on a scuba trip.

Um, yeah,
came back in town to get my gear.

Only reason I'm here, um, you know.

It's a last-minute thing.
Several weeks at sea.

- You'd hate it. So, yes.
- Yeah, not my thing.

- I shouldn't have even asked you.
- Oh, did you ask?

Ah... I don't want to inter...

You shouldn't cancel your plans
with Rebel, you know.

- Rain check.
- Uh, it's tomorrow or...?

- Hmm? We leave today, so, yeah.
- Ah.

God's probably...

- I can almost hear him laughing, you know?
- Wow, yeah.

Although, maybe, I imagine,
it doesn't make him laugh anymore.

I mean, so much of life is, uh, plans.

It would just be the same joke
over and over.

So he's...

- It's not funny anymore.
- What's he laughing at?

Hey.

You happy?

Oh, man.

You know, in truth, it's, uh,

it's-it's been a while since I've seen...

- you, first of all, but, um...
- Yep.

The thing with, um...

So, Rebel, you know, 'cause she...

I wanted to say, between the two of you,
you know,

if you ever felt like...
Because, like, she's indicated

that things were...
I don't know what she said,

but maybe things were not quite
wrapped up completely with...

- Between me and her?
- Yeah.

She said that I left things unfinished?
Hang on.

That's got me, that's got me spinning out,
'cause, uh...

That could be how she talks.
You know how she is.

No, I-I think I was-was
pretty clear that I...

You know, I broke up with her.

You know, I show up there,
I got a cactus, for God's sakes,

you know, which is...

that's the universal sign
for "things are over."

No, she must have just thought
that you would also, um...

Say it.

Yeah. Say it.

Oh. Yeah, I did. I said lots of things.

I'm standing there, you had just left.

- Ciao.
- Bella.

When Michael ran into Rebel

- leaving her apartment...
- That's for me.

...but she had some bad news.

It's not gonna work out between us.
I just wanted to tell you in person.

Michael didn't know why he said
the next thing out of his mouth.

Maybe it was relief
that he didn't have to break up with her,

but for some reason, he came up with...

Well, if you ever change your mind,
I ain't going nowhere.

Uh, I was afraid that maybe
I was too hard on her, verbally. You know?

And then, I, you know...

Plus I had to leave
for a couple of months for work.

- Movie stuff?
- Hmm?

Mexico.

Hope she's not getting a signal
from you that you are not

fully into her because you're worried

that maybe I've got
some unfinished business,

- so you're holding back?
- No. No, I'm all in.

Actually,
the only contact George Michael had had

with Rebel was watching
one of her movies,

with a Shane and three Noahs.

And you can say goodbye to these!

Maybe I do miss her.

No, I told her. You know, I even said,
"Y'all are it for me."

- You know.
- Go a step further and say,

- "Y'all ain't going nowhere."
- She's it. I don't know

why she wouldn't think I was...
wasn't going nowhere.

Pa.

Oh, that's me. Um, good.

All right, well, are you going down or...?

- No. I forgot my bag.
- Well, it's good to see...

- Ciao.
- Bella.

That's it, I'm out of here!

Michael returns for his bag.

Okay, I get it.
Is that supposed to be me?

No, that's my impression
of Tobias doing you.

Wait, what? But that...

Oh, that's it. I am out of here.

Tobias doing Tobias. Yep?

I don't care. I'm...

All right.

And Buster wonders why Michael
isn't doing Michael.

Why hasn't Michael come back?

What happened to
"Michael always comes back"?

Oh, God. Oh, God.

Mm. Uh... okay.