01x01 - Chapter 01: A Whole New Whirled

[bunniefuu]

PEACEMAKER: Previously
in The su1c1de Squad...

AMANDA WALLER: This is Christopher
Smith, known as Peacemaker.

His father was a soldier

who trained his son how to k*ll
from the moment he was born.

You fail to follow my orders

and I detonate the expl*sive device

in the base of your skull.

Your mission

is to destroy every trace
of Project Starfish.

I cherish peace with all my heart.

- (GROANS)
- (GRUNTS)

I don't care how many men,
women, and children

I need to k*ll to get it.

RATCATCHER: Who are you
going to show that to?

Press. People deserve to know.

I can't let you do that, Colonel.

Miss Waller charged me with making sure

those records don't level this building.

- (PIPE CLANGS)
- (BOTH GRUNT)

(GROANS, CHOKES)

(BOTH GRUNT)

(WEAKLY) "Peacemaker". What a joke.

♪ (DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYING) ♪

(expl*si*n)

(GROANS)

Project Starfish.
It's headed towards the city,

and I think it wants to feed
on as many people as it can.

WALLER: Not our problem.
We've achieved the objective.

What are you doing, Task Force X?

Turn around now, g*dd*mn it!

This is your last motherfuckin' warning!

- (CONTROLS BEEPING)
- (GRUNTS)

- (JOHN ECONOMOS EXHALES HEAVILY)
- Task Force X.

Your clearest path is Calle Aguero.

♪ (SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC PLAYING) ♪

- (EXHALES SHARPLY)
- (HANDCUFFS CLICKING)

(KEYBOARD CLACKING)

DOCTOR: You're sh*t
and a building falls on you,

and all you have to replace
is a clavicle?

You're the luckiest man alive. (SIGHS)

- Can I ask you something, Doc?
- Sure.

Can you maybe up the contrast
on the X-ray a little more

to show the definition in my muscles?

This makes me look like one
of those guys

who works out only thinking about bulk.

I put a lot of time
into my small muscle groups,

and according to this,
it was just... wasted effort.

It's not for your Tinder profile, Chris.

You've healed well,

but you're still gonna
have to take it easy.

Try to avoid lifting your right elbow

- above your shoulder.
- Sure.

So, as long as you agree

to keep up with the physical therapy,

I'm discharging you.

So, I can leave?

Go home.

Enjoy life.

(INDISTINCT CHATTER)

(INDISTINCT ANNOUNCEMENT)

Psst.

Jamil!

I don't have any weed on me, man.

- That was a one-time thing...
- It's not that, man.

Doctor said I was free to go.

- Congratulations?
- Jamil, you cool?

- What does that mean?
- Dude, can I trust you?

- No.
- No?

Uh, I don't know you, man!

- Dude, I really need somebody I can trust...
- Don't trust me, man.

We smoked weed together, man.
I was in a f*ckin' wheelchair!

I can't pretend like
that wasn't a nice moment,

but that doesn't make me trustworthy.

- I ain't trustworthy worth sh*t.
- What?

Why do you think
I'm mopping floors, bro?

- I went to MIT. I don't like the responsibility.
- (MUTTERS)

- You went to MIT?
- Oh, yeah.

- The f*ck are you doing here?
- That's my f*cking point, man!

Why aren't you listening to me?

Fine! f*ck it. Don't be trustworthy,

just let me ask you a question, and
don't tell anybody about it, okay?

I would never betray a secret.

That is the opposite of everything
you've been saying.

Truth is, I'm supposed to be in prison.

- For what?
- Superhero sh*t.

- (CHUCKLES) You're a superhero?
- PEACEMAKER: Yeah.

You're kinda bulky to be
a superhero, aren't you?

Bulky? What the f*ck you mean, "bulky"?

Well, most superheroes
have a gymnast body.

- They're ready to go.
- I'm ready to go!

- What superhero are you?
- Peacemaker.

- Get outta here, m*therf*cker!
- You a fan?

There's no superhero called Peacemaker.

- Dude, I'm f*ckin' famous.
- Not that famous.

- Aquaman, he's famous.
- f*ck Aquaman!

No, man, don't say that. Why say that?

He bangs chicks? Good for him.

He fucks dudes?
Got no problem with that.

He starts f*ckin' fish?
That's taking it a step too far.

- Aquaman fucks fish?
- Yeah.

- I don't believe it.
- (SCOFFS)

A guy on Twitter works for the aquarium,

said for bucks,
he brings him in the back

so he can have his way with a sturgeon.

I refuse to believe that.

And I refuse to believe
that @PepetheFrog

is lying to me for no reason.

Fine. If you're a superhero,
what were you in prison for?

Integrity.

I made a vow to have peace,

no matter how many people
I have to k*ll to get it.

- Oh, Peacemaker!
- Yes!

- You're that r*cist superhero!
- No!

- You only k*ll minorities, man!
- (PEACEMAKER CHUCKLING)

I k*lled a fair amount
of white people too!

The ratio is suspect,
is all I have to say!

- If somebody's committing a crime...
- Yes?

... am I supposed to control
what their ethnicity is?

No. But you need to watch white people

as closely as you watch people of color,

so you see more of them
committing crimes!

Fine. That's... That's a good point.

I will trust white people
less in the future,

and k*ll a higher percentage
of 'em. Are you satisfied?

Yes. Thank you. Now, what do you need?

Doctor said I was free to go,

so technically,
I should go back to prison.

What I need to know is,

on the DL, is there anybody
out there looking for me?

JAMIL: Not that I heard of, man.

- No cops outside, nothin'?
- I ain't seen no cops.

I'm thinkin'... I can just go?

Why not?

♪ (HEAVY METAL MUSIC PLAYING) ♪

♪ (MUSIC FADES) ♪

- (PHONE RINGING)
- (INDISTINCT CHATTER)

(SCOFFS) Guy's a total douchebag.

(INDISTINCT CHATTER CONTINUES)

♪ (DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYING) ♪

♪ (INTENSE ROCK MUSIC PLAYING) ♪

Go. Drive.

Yes! (GRUNTS)

♪ ("DO YA WANNA TASTE IT"
BY WIG WAM PLAYING) ♪

♪ Do ya really wanna
do ya really wanna taste it? ♪

♪ Get it on, get it on top
make a move extreme ♪

♪ Make a pose
it's a shortcut to your dreams ♪

♪ I float straight to the stars
on that flying thing ♪

♪ Getting high, getting brave
getting snow-blind ♪

♪ Game set, go pick a
tune, chick harpoon ♪

♪ In a world beyond ♪

♪ Get a b*at, got a heat
on a phony string ♪

♪ Tear your world apart
once the magic starts ♪

♪ Do ya really wanna
do ya really wanna taste it? ♪

♪ What's going up must come down ♪

♪ Do ya really wanna
do ya really wanna taste it? ♪

♪ Baby, you're losing ground ♪

♪ Blind to what you'll soon become ♪

♪ The mirror lies
the whole world's wrong ♪

♪ But you dancing with blinkers on ♪

♪ Throw your dog the invisible bone ♪

♪ Do ya really wanna
do ya really wanna taste it? ♪

♪ What's going up must come down ♪

♪ Do ya really wanna
do ya really wanna taste it? ♪

♪ Baby, you're losing ground ♪

♪ Blind to what you'll soon become ♪

♪ The mirror lies
the whole world's wrong ♪

♪ But you dancing with blinkers on ♪

♪ Throw your dog the invisible bone ♪

(SCREECHES)

- ♪ (SONG ENDS) ♪
- (SCREECHING CONTINUES)

- (TRAFFIC NOISE)
- (BIRDSONG)

(DOOR OPENING)

- KEEYA ADEBAYO: Oh.
- I thought I was gonna be like James Bond now.

- We made it. Hey. Come on.
- (SIGHS)

Yes.

- (BARKS)
- Does this look like James Bond to you?

- KEEYA: Come on.
- Man, I wanted champagne in the bathtub,

and some Octopussies and sh*t.

Okay, girl, you better not be
getting any Octopussies

- while we're up here.
- (CHUCKLES)

What is an Octopussy anyway?

Uh, that's who Maud Adams
played in the movie.

KEEYA: Okay, so she had eight pussies?

(CHUCKLES) As far as I know,
she only had one p*ssy.

- That's just her name.
- (CHUCKLES) Okay.

This might be a good time
for me to bring up...

I've been thinkin'.

If we have a kid,
I'd like to name her Octopussy.

- (CHUCKLES) Oh, is that so? Really?
- Yes so. And if it's a boy,

- Sharknado.
- (CHUCKLES) Oh, okay.

Well, I hope then that it's a boy,

because, um, I don't think
my parents would be too happy

with a granddaughter named "Octopussy".

- Really? 'Cause I think...
- Yeah. (CHUCKLES)

... Lois and Chuck would
love that. (CHUCKLES)

- (EXHALES SHARPLY)
- What's wrong?

- ♪ (FORLORN MUSIC PLAYING) ♪
- Just worried.

This job of yours,
it might be dangerous, or...

They got me filing papers
and making reservations.

I hope it stays that way.

Keeya, this is just a paycheck.
It's just for now.

I know that I'm not made for this sh*t.

I'll save up a little,
then we'll go back home.

- Okay.
- Okay?

- You promise?
- I got you. (CHUCKLES)

I got you back.

(INHALES DEEPLY)

(PHONE BUZZING)

I gotta go.

- Right now?
- LEOTA ADEBAYO: Yeah.

- Okay. Love you.
- LEOTA: Love you too.

- (DOOR OPENING, CLOSING)
- (SIGHS)

(INDISTINCT CHATTER)

- CAB DRIVER: Here?
- Yeah.

Oh. (CLEARS THROAT)

So, uh...

So I have this. It's, uh,
it's Corto Maltese money.

But I have no idea how much it is.

Come on. You look
like a scratch lottery guy.

Make a game of it. Take it to the bank.

See how much it's worth.
Maybe it's cents,

but maybe it's a million bucks.

It ain't a million bucks.

What's in the bag?

(ENGINE REVVING)

♪ (SOMBER MUSIC PLAYING) ♪

(DOG BARKING)

(DISTANT SHOUTING)

(LOCK CLICKS, RATTLES)

(DOG CONTINUES BARKING)

(SIGHS)

(CHILDREN LAUGHING, SHOUTING)

(DOG BARKING)

(GRUNTS)

- (HEAVY THUD)
- (GROANS) Ah, f*ck. Ah, f*ck.

(GROANS)

(EXHALING HEAVILY)

(SIGHS)

(EXHALES)

(GROANS)

Dad?

f*ck!

(SIGHS)

(EXHALES HEAVILY)

(SIGHS)

- (PHONE BEEPING)
- VIGILANTE: (OVER PHONE) Yo, man,

it's Vigilante, what up?

VIGILANTE: Uh, I was wondering if you

wanted to go out on a team-up tonight.

- (PHONE BEEPING)
- VIGILANTE: Peacemaker!

Uh, It's your BFF Vigilante here.

- What's goin' on, man?
- (SCOFFS)

VIGILANTE: Uh, what do
you say we go cruise

some crime and some b*tches,

whichever comes first? Uh, BFF stands

- for "Best Friends For... "
- (PHONE BEEPING)

- (AUDIENCE CHEERING OVER TV)
- VIGILANTE: P, it's V!

Are you watching
this game, dude? It is so...

- (PHONE BEEPING)
- VIGILANTE: Dude, uh,

I realize in that last message, uh,

I called you P and me V,

as if you were a penis
and I was a vag*na.

Uh, that, like, definitely
was... It was not my intention...

- (MUTTERS)
- (PHONE BEEPING)

VIGILANTE: Peacemaker, it's
Vigilante. I just got the scoop

on a big heroin shipment
coming in tonight!

- Let's go down there...
- Dude, don't be saying that sh*t on my phone, man!

- What the f*ck?
- ... m*therf*ckers' heads off!

- (PHONE BEEPING)
- (SIGHS)

- (g*n COCKING)
- Stay where you are, Smith.

- ♪ (OMINOUS MUSIC PLAYING) ♪
- (g*n COCKING)

(DOOR OPENING)

f*ck.

f*ck! I knew it was f*cking
too good to be true!

f*ck! f*ck! f*ck! My life f*ckin' sucks.

I mean...

Ah, f*ck! Ah, nah, I'm fu...

I'm... I'm... I'm good.
I'm f*cking... I'm good.

f*ck!

You only served four years
of your -year sentence,

and you thought we were just
gonna let you go scot-free?

Yeah. I k*lled Rick Flag for you people!

No one ever told you to k*ll Flag.

Waller said do whatever
I had to do to make sure

those Project Starfish
files didn't get out.

- I made the only choice I could.
- (BOTTLES CLINKING)

Funny, for you, how often the only
choice and k*lling people coincides.

- (CLANKING CONTINUES)
- What the f*ck is he doing?

I have low blood sugar,
okay? So I'm dizzy.

You showed you were loyal.

You're a born k*ller with expertise

in every w*apon known to humankind,

and you've had experience
in black ops around the globe,

so I'm giving you the chance
to stay out of prison

- and work for me.
- (SCOFFS) And you are?

Name's Murn.

- Clemson Murn?
- That's right.

I report directly to Amanda Waller.

This is Harcourt, who you may know

from Waller's team at Belle Reve.

She'll be your handler in the field.

John Economos, who you may also know,

is tech and tactics.

Hey, dude, you're eating
four-year-old olives

- out of my f*ckin' fridge.
- (GAGS)

And this is our new recruit,
Leota Adebayo,

which means she'll be doing
most everything else.

Glad to be here.
Ready to kick some ass, sir.

And really lookin' forward
to gettin' to know all of you.

Even you, Peacemaker.

Uh, even though you're not
the best guy in the world.

And Economos, you seem like
you're very easy to talk to.

- (CHUCKLES)
- LEOTA: So I look forward to working with you.

Harcourt, I feel like, because
we're the only women here,

we have to have each other's back.

Anything you need, I got you.

And, Mr. Murn, I have to say
your outfits are really dapper.

I'm really excited to be here,
and I promise

you're not gonna regret this.

I know inside my mind

I'm not supposed to be giving a speech,

but sometimes my mouth just
does what it wants, so...

Close mouth. I'm bitin'
my tongue right now.

Not gonna talk again.

(WHISPERS) I'm done talking.

(SCOFFS) What's the op?

(CLICKS TONGUE) Domestic situation,

known as Project Butterfly.

As I recall, you guys
aren't particularly creative

with the case file names.

Project Starfish was
a giant walkin' starfish.

So, what, am I fighting
a Mothra now? (CHUCKLES)

I am?

I'm fightin' a Mothra? What the
f*ck do I fight a Mothra with?

That's not what it is.

- Can I get a jetpack?
- No.

How the f*ck am I supposed
to fight a Mothra

- without a jetpack?
- It's not a Mothra.

Still, my desire for a jetpack remains,

'cause you got me all excited about it.

We need you to do contract work.

- k*ll people?
- Bad people.

- Whom we call Butterflies.
- (EXHALES) What if I say no?

You'll have to return to Belle Reve.

What's to keep me from splittin'?

We still have that b*mb in your head

to track you with, and if that fails,

we'll blow you the hell up.

(SIGHS)

(INHALES SHARPLY) We'll
meet you for dinner tonight.

Seven-thirty at... Where is it?

Fennel Fields on Manchester Road.

And the mozzarella sticks...
(CLICKS FINGERS) ... are dope.

Enjoy my food, Dye-Beard.

- (SCOFFS) It's not dyed.
- (CHUCKLES) Oh, yeah, sure.

Hard edge of two-tone gray
and Magic Marker brown,

- that's natural.
- (CHUCKLES) No.

I'll be there.

I just gotta swing
by my dad's and get Eagly.

Who's Eagly?

Don't you do your research?
He's my sidekick.

♪ ("WELCOME TO THE CHURCH OF ROCK
AND ROLL" BY FOXY SHAZAM PLAYING) ♪

♪ Welcome to the Church
of rock and roll ♪

♪ Yeah! ♪

- ♪ (MUSIC FADES) ♪
- (KNOCKING ON DOOR)

(DOG BARKING)

(INDISTINCT CHATTER)

You that Peacemaker guy?

- Yeah.
- Evil supervillain.

Not a supervillain.
That's a misconception.

- I'm a superhero.
- (LAUGHS)

Batman is a superhero.

Yeah? Joe Blaggadashiocentro
is a dude workin'

- in his f*ckin' garden.
- Joe who?

Point is just 'cause some other
dumb m*therf*cker is out there

with shears, clippin' roses,
doesn't mean you aren't, huh?

If you're gonna make up a person,

why make up a person
with such a long name?

I'm so sorry,

I don't spend all my f*cking time

thinking of realistic-sounding
last names,

you wrinkly old f*ck!

Hey, Dad.

(SIGHS)

(SCOFFS) f*ck you.

MAN OVER TV: Below their lying,

liberal human faces

lurk extraterrestrial beings,

who want nothing other
than our civilization to fail!

They are among us.

I don't get enough attention,
I gotta have you

chattin' up my fruity neighbors?

Guy was talking to me!
He was being a total 'nad.

- Got out of prison.
- You don't say?

It's been kind of a rough go
for me lately, Dad. I was...

laid out in the hospital
for, like, five months.

♪ (GLOOMY MUSIC PLAYING) ♪

Somebody sh*t me. A building fell on me.

AUGGIE SMITH:
You let somebody sh**t you?

(LAUGHS) It's not like I invited
him to come sh**t me, Dad.

Pathetic.

(SIGHS)

- New lamp?
- AUGGIE: Huh?

- The... The lamp, is it new?
- No. It's three months old.

- Been in prison for four years.
- Don't make it no newer.

You know, I asked you
to cancel my phone service.

It was still on.

I've been paying for service
for years 'cause you forgot.

Oh, it's my fault now you f*cked up

- and went to prison?
- That's not what I'm sayin'.

- Then what are you sayin'?
- It's my service.

- I got no money.
- Jesus Christ.

You're a f*ckin' p*ssy.

- You been takin' Eagly out?
- Yeah.

Where is he?

- (SCREECHES)
- Eagly.

- (SCREECHES)
- ♪ (TENDER MUSIC PLAYING) ♪

(GASPS)

(EAGLY CHATTERING)

- Who's a good boy?
- (SCREECHES)

Yeah? Who's Daddy's boy? (CHUCKLES)

Dad, look how excited he is. (CHUCKLING)

- Dad, he's just awesome, right?
- (SCREECHING)

- ♪ (MUSIC SWELLS) ♪
- Oh, my God.

He's... He's hugging me.

He's hugging me.

- This is f*ckin' amazing.
- (EAGLY SQUAWKS)

Dad! Grab my phone, I don't wanna move.

Dad?

- (SUBDUED SCREECH)
- Dad?

(METAL CLANGING)

You think it makes
this noise all the time?

LEOTA: Yeah, I don't know.

- (DISTANT SIRENS BLARING)
- (DOOR OPENING, CLOSING)

Hey, new girl, get your sh*t off there.

LEOTA: Damn.

This is the only desk with sun.
Take the one in the middle.

(STEADY DRIPPING)

EMILIA HARCOURT: I don't know what
you did to piss off Amanda Waller,

but she's definitely f*cking me
and John with this gig.

What agency did you get
transferred from?

"f*cking you" how?

We helped Task Force X
during Project Starfish,

and this is her way
of getting back at us.

LEOTA: Yeah, I don't think so.

Hey, new girl's an expert
over here, John.

Well, she's entitled to her opinion.

- Thank you.
- Her stupid f*ckin' opinion.

Oh, sweet, we have a piano.
That's useful for black ops.

This is the worst HQ of all time.

(METAL CLANGING)

You guys hear that, right?
It's not just me?

- We hear what?
- The f*ckin' pi... Oh.

Nice gaslighting.

(CHUCKLES)

(CHUCKLES)

- You'll get a kick out of this, Dad.
- (EAGLY SQUAWKS)

(CLEARS THROAT)

Guy I was working with, Bloodsport, big,

tough m*therf*cker, mercenary,
all these weapons and sh*t.

We find out he's got a rat phobia.

And not just...

not just any phobia.
I mean like pure terror,

screamin' like a little girl. (CHUCKLES)

And this other member
of the team, Ratcatcher,

- she controls rats!
- (EAGLY SCREECHING)

PEACEMAKER: And, Dad, Dad,
you know how he got the phobia?

Of course I don't f*ckin'
know how he got it.

He was tortured!
His own father tortured him

by lockin' him in a crate

for hours with nothing
but starving rats!

- (LAUGHS)
- Right?

- (LAUGHS)
- PEACEMAKER: We...

(CHUCKLING) He had
these horrible acne scars.

- Scars! (LAUGHS)
- PEACEMAKER: Yeah! Yeah, but they weren't!

They were rat bites from when the rats

- would gnaw at his flesh when he was a little kid!
- (EAGLY SCREECHES)

That's... It's funny, right?

- (CACKLES, COUGHS)
- Dad?

- (COUGHS)
- I'll get... I'll get water.

- (COUGHS)
- (SCREECHES)

- (COUGHS, CHUCKLES)
- Here, here, here.

- (CHUCKLES)
- (SIGHS)

- (CHUCKLES) Hmm.
- (SIGHS)

- This f*g that was afraid of the rats...
- Yeah.

Please God don't tell me
he was the one who sh*t you.

(CLEARS THROAT)

(SQUAWKS)

You know, a lot of what happened
in Corto Maltese

is confidential.

How did my f*cking sperm...

grow into a nancy boy like you?

- ♪ (OMINOUS MUSIC PLAYING) ♪
- (EXHALES DEEPLY)

Look, I just came by to get Eagly

and see if you had
another helmet for me.

(DEVICE BEEPING)

(THRUMMING)

(MACHINERY WHIRRING)

(SIGHS)

This one has full-body force field.

This has sonic blast capabilities.

You need to breathe underwater,
then this is the one for you.

And, uh, this one has X-ray vision.

I didn't make these things
while you were in prison.

These are all from before.

I know.

I never gave you a second thought

- while you were in there.
- (EXHALES) Fine.

Just tell me which one
you think is best?

I hesitate giving you any helmet,

as big a simp as you turned out to be.

But what the f*ck?
If you can do some good with it,

maybe take out a couple
of commies, some Blacks,

or papists, or a kike, or something.

Better than sittin'
in this f*ckin' closet.

Dad, that's not my thing. Um...

I do what I do to st... stop criminals,

- not a specific...
- (CHUCKLES) Yeah, sure.

(SIGHS)

♪ (CALM MUSIC PLAYING) ♪

So I forgot to close the balcony door,

and when I came home,

my living room was full of pigeons.

- (LEOTA CHUCKLING)
- Are you kidding me?

No. There was like ten of 'em,
and they sh*t all over my couch.

No. This guy.

(CHUCKLING) Did this dipshit
really show up

in full cosplay mode?

This is the guy Waller's giving us?

- I told you she's f*cking us.
- She's not f*cking us.

- Is that an eagle in his back seat?
- (MUFFLED SCREECH)

- (CHUCKLES)
- She's f*cking us.

(BELL CHIMING)

HOST: Hi, sir, welcome in.

Oh, I'm with them.
Can I just grab a menu, please?

- HOST: Mm-hmm.
- Thank you.

- (INDISTINCT CHATTER)
- (SIGHS)

Hey. Scooch. (GRUNTS)

- Why are you in your costume?
- (SCOFFS)

Costume? This is a uniform.
And it's brand new,

so I gotta stretch it out,

make it more comfortable
before I go on a mission.

Maybe I'm stupid, but why
would you even wanna wear that

on a mission?

A bright red shirt and white pants

aren't exactly conducive
to lurking in the shadows.

People see this uniform,
it strikes fear in their hearts.

What people? The other people
at the Village People tryouts?

(CHUCKLES)

Why is there a bald eagle in your car?

That's Eagly. You guys
ordered without me?

- "Eagly" is your pet eagle?
- Yeah.

- Is your dog named Doggy?
- (JOHN CHUCKLING)

- All right.
- Do you have a daughter named Daughtery?

(CHUCKLES)

Jealous of a guy's pet eagle much?

- (HARCOURT CHUCKLING)
- Hey, sweet-cheeks!

Can you take my order real quick?

- Sorry...
- Hi. Sure thing. What can I get you?

Uh, mixed green salad,
and we'll do the garlic zoodles.

- Zoodles. Good choice.
- Thank you.

(INHALES DEEPLY) "Good choice".

(INDISTINCT CHATTER)

- Zoodles are zucchini noodles.
- "Sweet cheeks"?

Seriously, dude?

She had cherubic cheeks.
It's a compliment.

"Sweet cheeks" is your butt.

- No, it's not.
- It is.

It's like calling somebody,
I don't know, "sugar tits".

That's totally inappropriate.

(SCOFFS) Her tits are
way too big to be sugar tits.

Sugar tits are, like, smaller,
perkier tits. Like...

yours. Uh, technically, I think
you may have sugar tits, too...

- Oh, yeah?
- ... but somehow that also feels inappropriate.

CLEMSON MURN: All right,
Peacemaker. That's enough.

You don't have to be happy
with this detail,

but you do have to treat
your fellow soldiers

- with respect.
- Yeah? Heard plenty of stories

about how you treat
people with respect, Murn.

Plenty.

Why is that busboy staring at you?

I think that's my friend
Gut Chase's younger brother.

(WHISPERING) He has mental issues.

Thank you. Just the old
shell game. (EXHALES)

- Take this home. Study it.
- What is it?

It's the dossier on the first target.

- U.S. Senator?
- Don't look at it here.

Take our word for it,
the man's a serious thr*at

to the safety of American citizens.

Oh, my God, could you at least
take you helmet off?

You're gonna get dressing all over it.

Dressing is easier to get off
this helmet than a human lip.

That's a f*ckin' fact.

You want to have a dressing-getting-off
contest right now, Dye-Beard?

Okay, I don't dye my beard.

I've always had unusually colored hair.

- Smith, just...
- (EXHALES) Jesus...

Fine. f*ck.

Are you always gonna be this difficult?

Yep.

♪ (HARD ROCK MUSIC PLAYING) ♪

f*ck yeah! Peacemaker's back, baby!

♪ Twerk it, and twerk it
get my little tush out ♪

♪ It's my famous butt dance
my butt dance, my butt dance ♪

♪ It's my famous b... ♪

- ♪ (MUSIC STOPS) ♪
- Oh. Hey, man, what's up?

- Sup, Adrian?
- ADRIAN CHASE: Hey, the... the reason

I'm excited, it is normal.

Uh, I just found out this
girl that I'm seeing,

she's pregnant, you know?

You got a girlfriend?

Yeah. Uh, her name is Sharon,
uh, Osbourne. Uh, not...

not the one that you may know.

She's, uh, a different one. The... yeah.

Why are you always trying to get me
to set you up with my cousin then?

Well, I wouldn't...
I wouldn't say, like,

- "girlfriend", you know?
- But you're happy

- she's pregnant?
- Yeah.

Because we are going
to have an abortion.

- DISHWASHER: Well, yeah, good luck.
- Thank you. Yeah.

Hey, you're invited if you...

I don't wanna come
to your abortion, man.

ADRIAN: That's cool.

- f*ck yeah!
- ♪ (ROCK MUSIC PLAYING) ♪

Peacemaker, baby.

- (EAGLY SCREECHES)
- PEACEMAKER: Aw, you missed?

Hey, bud. Learning to drive now?

- You gonna drive us home? Yeah?
- (EAGLY SCREECHES)

LEOTA: It's friendly?

Oh, yeah.

- (CHUCKLES) I love animals.
- Yeah. Eagly is amazing.

- Hey.
- (SCREECHES)

- Hey, bud.
- (SCREECHES)

(SCREAMS) Just... Oh, sh*t!

Man, I thought you said it was friendly.

Oh, I thought you meant friendly to me.

Yeah, I know it's friendly
to you. I saw you pet it.

You know, he was so happy
to see me today,

he wrapped his wings
around me and hugged me.

- An eagle hugged you?
- Oh, yeah.

Yeah, I call bullshit on that.

You don't wanna believe
in miracles, that's on you.

- You're the new girl, huh?
- Yeah.

But I know my sh*t, don't worry
about that. I've done a lot of,

- you know, notable things.
- That's super vague.

Yeah, 'cause if I told you any
more, I'd have to, you know...

(IMITATES g*nsh*t)

- k*ll me?
- Yeah. (CHUCKLES)

(CHUCKLING) Oh, you hubbed up?

LEOTA: What?

- Married, yeah.
- PEACEMAKER: Hmm. That's cool.

I'm into old-fashioned stuff
too, you know,

Hummel figurines
and capital punishment...

- (CHUCKLES)
- ... and Garbage Pail Kids and stuff.

- You know?
- (BOTH CHUCKLE)

Hey, what'd you mean

when you said you heard
stories about Mr. Murn?

I know he's a mercenary.

I know he k*lled a lot of people,

and not always for the right side.

I know I don't trust his ass.

Well, good night, Smith.

- 'Night, Arbysmola.
- (CHUCKLING) It's Adebayo.

- (EAGLY SCREECHING)
- Adebayo.

(CHUCKLING) Although I do appreciate

the confidence with which you said

something so wrong. (CHUCKLES)

Oh, that's my thing.
That and having a big d*ck.

LEOTA: Yep, information
I had no need for.

- (KEYS JANGLING)
- No, I'm... I'm serious.

- (CAR DOOR OPENING)
- It's too big, actually. It...

- causes people pain.
- Okay.

Kids in junior high,
they called me "Chimp-Arm".

- Good night, sweet-cheeks.
- (CHUCKLES)

- "Sweet-cheeks".
- (CAR DOOR SHUTTING)

♪ ("COME ON COME ON"
BY NASHVILLE p*ssy PLAYING) ♪

That wasn't inappropriate,
was it, Eagly?

(SCREECHES)

♪ Baby woke me up this morning ♪

♪ She said hey, man, we are through ♪

- (SCREECHING)
- ♪ She said, if you ain't gonna go to heaven with me ♪

♪ Then I ain't goin' to hell with you ♪

♪ Well, that's all right now baby ♪

♪ Just one last thing on my mind ♪

♪ I'm just trying to find a place ♪

♪ In a world gone mean and blind ♪

♪ So I say, come on come
on, come on, f*ck yeah ♪

♪ Come on, come on, come on
come on, come on, come on ♪

♪ f*ck yeah, come on come on... ♪

(CAR HORN HONKING)

♪ I said, come on, come on
come on, f*ck yeah! ♪

♪ Come on, come on, come on ♪

- (LAUGHTER)
- ♪ ("SUMMERTIME GIRLS" BY Y&T PLAYING) ♪

♪ Oh, yeah! ♪

CUSTOMER : Oh, woo-hoo.

(CHUCKLING)

- CUSTOMER : She's a babe.
- ♪ Oh, yeah, I... ♪

Hey, Goldilocks, can
I ask you a question?

As long as it's a question
about how to cure

- rotting fish breath, sure.
- f*ck you, bitch!

♪ I'm in love, yeah, yeah ♪

♪ At least every minute or two ♪

- CUSTOMER : Easy, buddy.
- ♪ Until the next time ♪

- ♪ A girl walks by ♪
- (EXHALES DEEPLY)

♪ I think I love her too oh, I ♪

- Hey!
- ♪ I can't help myself ♪

- Crazy coincidence, right?
- Oh, yeah. Yeah.

- Uncanny.
- Right? (CHUCKLES)

- What can I get you?
- PEACEMAKER: I'll just... I'll have the same.

- So... Harcourt, right?
- HARCOURT: Yeah.

PEACEMAKER: Thank you.

- What's your first name?
- Why?

Just curious. I mean... (CHUCKLES)

You know, you don't have
to call me Peacemaker,

you can call me Chris.

I'll call you Peacemaker.
You call me Harcourt.

How's that?

Okay.

- (INDISTINCT CHATTER)
- CUSTOMER : You f*cking kidding me? She said what?

- PEACEMAKER: I'm just trying to say...
- Hey.

... it doesn't always have
to be about work...

- Hold on.
- Okay.

What the f*ck did you say to my friend,

- you ugly fuckin cu... (GROANS)
- (GRUNTS)

(BONES CRACKING)

Jesus f*ck, lady. (GROANS)

- What was that next word? "You ugly f*cking" what?
- Oh, God!

(GRUNTS, SCREAMS)

Any of the rest of you
wanna finish it for him?

(GRUNTS, GROANS)

♪ Summertime girls ♪

♪ You make my whole world go around ♪

- What were you saying?
- Get off me! (WHIMPERS)

- (APPLAUSE)
- WOMAN: Aw, poor baby!

That was so f*ckin' hot.

I clocked you driving by

and then making a U-turn
to follow me in here.

Come on, the way you say
it makes it sound all stalkery.

No, the way that you did it

made it stalkery. I just described it.

Look, I have no interest in you

other than your ability to fight for us.

Just because you're handsome
doesn't mean

you're not a piece-of-sh*t m*rder*r.

- You think I'm handsome?
- Oh, my God, please f*ck off.

(EXHALES SHARPLY)

Okay, look, I... I've been in prison

the last four years, okay?

I haven't been with anyone...
I... I haven't been

with any woman in a long time.

I'm not asking
for emotional connection here.

I'm just asking for fun.

Genital-to-genital contact,
no touching above here.

No. f*ck it, it's gotta be here.

I gotta touch your boobs.
Sorry. Just trying to,

I don't know, relieve some of the stress

that's been building up
over the years. I mean...

Cool! And I'm just trying
to f*ckin' have a beer,

but whether it's those
douchebags or you,

I guess that's just something
that I can't have

in my life because, I don't
know, I wear makeup?

♪ ("NIGHT OF PASSION"
BY THE POODLES PLAYING) ♪

You know what?

Go f*ck yourself...

- Chris.
- ♪ I feel your desire ♪

♪ As the moonlight lingers ♪

- ♪ In the sky ♪
- (SCOFFS)

♪ I'm walking through fire ♪

♪ Can't you hear me when I cry ♪

♪ One night of passion
one night of hunger ♪

♪ And my attraction
is getting stronger... ♪

(BOTH MOAN, SCREAM)

- (SCREAMING) Freedom!
- ♪ My heart is screaming out your name ♪

♪ (MUSIC FADES) ♪

WALLER: How's the team?

Okay, I guess. Murn,
I hear, is not such a great guy.

WALLER: I don't care
about the quality of the Kn*fe,

as long as the blade is sharp.

- John seems okay.
- WALLER: He's pliable.

Harcourt is hard.

WALLER: Barbie's ambitious.
Watch out for her.

Shouldn't we just loop them in
on the whole plan?

No. You're my eyes and ears,
Leota, while you're there.

And the only one I trust
with the big picture.

Did my forger get you the diary?

LEOTA: This goofy sh*t? Yeah.

Hide it in his trailer
the first chance you get,

somewhere he won't find it.

How's Peacemaker?

(CHUCKLES) Yeah. He's his own thing.

- Sexist.
- WALLER: Yeah.

- Probably r*cist.
- Oh, you know who his father is.

LEOTA: Oh, yeah.

But there's something
else about him that's...

WALLER: What?

♪ (MELANCHOLIC MUSIC PLAYING) ♪

- ... sad.
- Empathy?

In this business, Leota,
that will get you k*lled.

Yeah, well, it doesn't
really matter, does it?

I appreciate the work,
but after this job is done,

Keeya and I will be back on our feet

and I'll find a job I actually like.

Sure.

Ignore your God-given, natural talent.

Yeah, I don't think so.
I'm not like these people.

All right. I have an early morning.

- Night, baby girl.
- Good night, Mom.

Waller's still trying
to pull you in, huh?

- Always.
- (SCOFFS)

(WATER RUNNING)

PEACEMAKER: Hmm.

Cool.

(GRUNTS)

Oh!

Oh, this... this is my jam.

You know, this was back
when men were real men,

'cause they weren't afraid to be women.

None of this

auto-tune, robots-dry-humping
that passes for music bullshit,

right? (CHUCKLES)

No way. Quireboys? Went to see
these guys when I was a kid.

God. I'd go to all the shows

when they came through Evergreen.

♪ ("I DON'T LOVE YOU ANYMORE"
BY QUIREBOYS PLAYING) ♪

- ♪ I went to see her just this morning ♪
- (SINGS ALONG)

♪ To see how the child might be ♪

♪ She sat there smoking
all my cigarettes ♪

♪ At a table ♪

♪ Set for three ♪

♪ I could have cried
I could have cried ♪

♪ When she said ♪

♪ I don't love you anymore ♪

Hey, I gotta thank you for tonight.

I was having a crazy, f*cked-up day,

but when I was in your p*ssy back there,

I felt, I don't know,
f*ckin' hope! (CHUCKLES)

That sound stupid? I just...

Maybe it's the big man
in the sky's way of saying,

"Chris, there's something more
for you out there,

you and Eagly,

other than all this rancid sh*t
life's thrown at you so far".

- ♪ So I went to see my friends ♪
- (SINGING ALONG)

♪ I tried to turn to them for help ♪

♪ And all that ♪

- ♪ Any of them said ♪
- ♪ All any of them said ♪

♪ You gotta look out for yourself ♪

Well, f*ck them!

♪ I could've cried I could've cried ♪

♪ When she said ♪

♪ I don't love you anymore
I was slain and shown the... ♪

- (PIERCING SCREAM)
- What the f*ck? Hey!

- (Kn*fe SLASHING)
- (GRUNTS) Hold on. Hey. Hey!

- (GRUNTS)
- (GROANS)

(BOTH GRUNT)

(GRUNTS)

- ♪ All the pain is with yourself ♪
- (GRUNTS)

- ♪ All the blame is with yourself ♪
- (SCREAMS)

(BLADE CLANGS)

- (GRUNTS)
- (CLATTERING)

- (GRUNTS) What the f*ck?
- (INHUMAN ROAR)

- (GRUNTS)
- (GROANS)

(CRASHING, SPLINTERING)

(GRUNTS)

- (GROWLS)
- (GROANS)

♪ You're all I ever wanted ♪

- (GRUNTS)
- (GROANS)

- (GRUNTS)
- (VERTEBRAE CLICKING)

♪ Every time I see your face
reminds me baby of what we had ♪

- (GRUNTS)
- (ROARS)

(GRUNTS)

(SMASHING, CLATTERING)

- (GRUNTS)
- (SCREAMS)

♪ Always seemed in emptiness ♪

- (GRUNTS)
- (ATOMIZER HISSES)

(GRUNTS)

♪ I say my prayers every night ♪

- (GRUNTS)
- (GROANS)

(GRUNTS)

♪ But even God don't care less ♪

- (BLOWS LANDING)
- (PEACEMAKER SCREAMING)

♪ I could've cried I could've cried ♪

(GROANS) f*ck!

♪ When she said
I don't love you anymore ♪

♪ I was slain and shown the door ♪

♪ Ain't no room here anymore ♪

- ♪ Please don't... ♪
- (PEACEMAKER SCREAMING)

- (FABRIC TEARS)
- (GRUNTS, GROANS)

(DISTANTLY) ♪ All the pain
is with yourself... ♪

(EXHALES HEAVILY)
"Take it easy", Doc said. f*ck.

(INHALES DEEPLY)

♪ (MENACING ELECTRONIC MUSIC PLAYING) ♪

(ROARS)

(PANTS)

- (CAR DOOR OPENING)
- (SCREECHES)

♪ (MUSIC INTENSIFIES) ♪

(ROARS)

Activate sonic boom!

- (SCREAMS)
- (ENERGY PULSES, BOOMS)

(ENERGY FIELD BUZZING)

- (BUZZING STOPS)
- (PANTS)

(BREATHES HEAVILY)

(SIZZLING)

- (WINGS FLAPPING)
- (EAGLY SCREECHING)

(THUDS)

(CHUCKLES)

(EAGLY SCREECHING)

Thanks, Eagly.

♪ ("LOVE b*mb BABY"
BY TIGERTAILZ PLAYING) ♪

♪ You're not a lady
you're a love b*mb, baby ♪

♪ Love b*mb, baby
come on, blow me away ♪

♪ Can't get enough
of your sweet, sweet lovin' ♪

- (CHUCKLES)
- (SCREECHES)

♪ Keep it coming oh, baby, fire away ♪

♪ Ah ha-ah, oh yeah ♪

(SIRENS WAILING)

♪ Well, I've been waiting so long ♪

♪ For a girl like you
a time b*mb ready to blow ♪

♪ I know it can't be wrong ♪

♪ 'Cause, baby when I get you home ♪

♪ You're not a lady
you're a love b*mb, baby ♪

♪ Love b*mb, baby
come on, blow me away ♪

♪ Can't get enough
of your sweet, sweet lovin' ♪

♪ Keep it coming oh, baby, fire away ♪

♪ Love b*mb, baby love b*mb, baby ♪

♪ Love b*mb, baby fire away, whoa! ♪

♪ You're everything I need
you're dangerous ♪

♪ You're blue-eyed dynamite sister TNT ♪

♪ You're the kinda love I need tonight ♪

♪ Three, two one ♪

♪ You're not a lady
you're a love b*mb, baby ♪

♪ Love b*mb, baby
come on, blow me away ♪

♪ Can't get enough
of your sweet, sweet lovin' ♪

♪ Keep it coming oh, baby fire away ♪

♪ Love b*mb, baby ah, ha-ah, oh, yeah ♪

♪ Direct hit target destroyed ♪

♪ (MUSIC FADES) ♪

This one will give you scabies.

Give me scab... Why
would I want scabies?

Challenge yourself.

Every man should have
scabies once in his life.

Okay.