08x01 - Home Sweet Home

[bunniefuu]

Eric Murphy's office.

Uh, just a second.

E, uh, Sloan's on the phone.

Really?

Hello? Hey.

I don't want to get in another fight. Okay.

I just want to know when you're gonna get your stuff out of here.

Sloan, I'm sorry. I've been a little crazy.

E, I don't need to discuss it.

I need your stuff out of my space.

Okay. Okay. Bye.

Bye.

How did that go? Not well.

Any word from Vince?

Hello, my name is Vince, and I'm an addict.

Hi, Vince.

I've been sober for 90 days.

When I first agreed to come here three months ago, I thought, "Jesus, how am I going to survive?

"No cell phones, no emails, no friends."

And then I realized this was exactly what I needed, a chance to be with myself and to reflect.

Now I know, I'm ready to get on with my life.

Thank you.

Good job. Nice job, man.

That was hot.

I totally bought you were sober and going for it.

I am. f*ck, you're sexy.

Sober is sexy.

Call me when you're out. For sure.

Vince, don't forget about me.

I want in on that movie idea you've got.

Rehab relationships are real, my man.

I know it. I'm gonna call my brother.

Say "hello" to Johnny for me.

And congrats again on your sobriety.

You look amazing, man.

That sounded kind of gay.

Yeah, all is good, bro.

Just getting the house ready and looking forward to having you home.

Turtle! Sounds good. I'll see you at 1:00.

Yeah, yeah, we'll see you then.

Who's "we"? Me, E and Turtle.

Oh, E's coming?

Yeah, is that okay? No, it's just... it's fine. I'll see you at 1:00.

Okay. You sound good, bro. I am good, Johnny.

Bye. Later.

Turtle! What?

You want to explain to me why I found this in Vince's bathroom?

'Cause it's Advil.

I told you to clear this place of all dr*gs.

Advil? All means all!

Aspirins, cough suppressants, I don't even want a throat lozenger in this house.

Me and Arnold have been looking for weed and coke.

Did you find any? No. Checked everywhere.

The downstairs bathroom behind the sink?

Almost everywhere. Jesus.

I'll take care of it. We can't take any chances, Turtle.

I got rid of every illicit substance I found.

You emptied the bar? That's gonna freak him out.

I'm not that stupid. I replaced everything with non-alcoholic lookalikes.

I got Whissin in the whiskey bottles, non-alcoholic vodka in the Belvy bottles, and I personally hand-filled 30 various beers with O'Doul's.

You're insane. I call it thoughtful.

Jesus, we've got to get going.

What are you doing? Getting rid of the weed.

Oh!

Idiot.

So, why'd you guys break up?

What's the difference? Why are we talking about this?

You brought it up.

I just said my cousin knows your fiancée.

He's very touchy.

I'm not touchy, she's just not my fiancée.

But she was?

Was, wasn't, she will be again.

They are like Sammi and Ronnie on the Jersey Shore.

Except Sammi didn't ask Ronnie to sign a prenup.

I asked my girl to sign a prenup.

That was it for us.

Sloan's family has a shitload of money.

Can we move past this, please?

And her godfather used to run this place until Eric tossed him out.

I don't give a sh*t.

The guy was a prick to me after Rosanne got canceled.

That's because he is a prick. f*ck him.

But Sloan is single? Yes.

That's interesting. Yeah, anyway...

Anyway, you were saying, if I sign with you, I'd get the two of you.

Exactly, yeah, we're a team. Perfect synergy, right?

Okay, and if you get sick of one of us, most likely gonna be him, then the other will bow out.

I don't know. I haven't had a manager in a while.

Okay, and you're k*lling it.

I mean, you're on a hit TV show. You're going to be a rich man.

And that is why your agents are complacent.

But you cannot afford to be. Okay, we will get you movies.

I have been complacent.

But I am totally focused now.

That's Caroline Reysha, a new Victoria's Secret girl.

I have to f*ck this. Give me a sec.

Hey, baby, perfect timing.

Why do we want this guy?

Because I will get him movies and we will make a lot of money.

Oh, you will? No, you will, okay?

And listen to me, you can't not want to sign everybody that wants to f*ck Sloan, because everybody wants to f*ck Sloan.

Whatever, all right? Look, you take care of this. I'm leaving.

Vince is getting out today. I know. Stop.

How do you know? 'Cause he called me.

Bullshit. Are you mad because he didn't call you?

He hasn't called anybody except Drama yesterday.

That's not really true. He called me.

I'm actually going to pick him up. No, you're not.

Well, he thinks I'm going to.

This is childish. Stop, please.

Scott, listen, I am going to pick up Vince with Drama and Turtle and that's it.

Okay. Well, Vince thinks I'm coming too, okay?

So, I can follow behind you like a f*cking jerkoff or I can get in the car with you like a human being, okay?

Can we be partners? Can we act like partners for two seconds?

Wait. Go ahead.

Ari's on the phone, wants to know if you want to drive together to get Vince?

How does Ari know Vince is getting out?

Said Vince called him. Really?

He's obviously out of the loop.

Tell Ari's funky ass to come pick me up.

I'll go with him.

It's not every Monday, Daddy.

Yes, it is. And I'd love nothing more than hanging out with you, but you've got to stop skipping school, buddy.

When you come home, I'll stop skipping school.

I thought this was temporary. It is.

So when are you coming home? I don't know.

Listen, I just need five minutes to make sure everything's okay.

Then I've got to get you home so you can rest.

But I just got here.

Daddy's got to go to Malibu.

To get Vince? I want to go.

It's a grownup's trip only.

'Cause he does dr*gs? No.

What, did Mommy tell you that?

No, I saw it on TV.

Ari, are you busy? Isn't that clear?

Oh, hey, Jonah. Hi, Lloyd.

How'd you get so lucky to take the day off?

I faked being sick. I should try that.

What do you need, Lloyd? Oh, I guess I should wait.

Unless you want to talk about some of your X-rated weekend adventures, my son can handle any business talk.

Okay, well, Steve Levitan, creator of Modern Family, is looking to make a move.

Great, go get him. He wants a meeting with you and I.

I can't do it now, Lloyd. I'm with my son. I don't have any time.

Ari, you haven't had any time for anything since...

Since what?

Since the S-E-P-A-R-A-T-l-O-N.

I can spell "separation," you know. Get out.

Ari. I will take care of it when I have some time.

And don't ever spell in front of my son again, because he's S-M-A-R-T-E-R than you.

Bye, Jonah. Bye.

You're mean to Lloyd, Daddy.

Get up, buddy. Why?

Because I've got to pay for the house that I'm not living in.

We're here outside Promises Treatment Center in Malibu, California, where actor Vincent Chase is being released today.

If you'll recall, Mr. Chase was arrested in August for cocaine possession.

And now the question everyone in Hollywood is asking again, "Can a young star actor get his life back on track?"

I just don't understand why he would call everybody but me.

Well, E, he knows you've been busy with the new company and all.

Yeah, E.

He probably just wanted to avoid all depressing things, like your breakup.

I wouldn't take it personally.

Heard he didn't call you, E. Are you sure you should be here?

We don't want him to mistake your pale, round face for a cr*ck rock.

--Hilarious.

What the hell is that, Scott? A Tic Tac. What the f*ck?

Put it away. I don't want him seeing anything that even resembles a pill.

Don't go crazier on us, Drama, or we'll leave you here for treatment.

There he is.

Vince!

Let's get out of here.

Who you gonna ride with?

Three cars, guys? Real eco-friendly.

There seems to be some communication mix-ups.

Let's just hope Leo doesn't see this on ETTonight.

You're coming with me, bro. You guys follow us.

Would you guys like to see a wine list?

No! No, thank you.

So, what's up with you guys, huh?

Nothing's up with these guys. What are you talking about?

They've been frozen like Ted Williams, waiting for the return of their life, and now that it has returned, let's get back to it.

Okay, what's up? Let's start with Air-Walker.

Am I out? Vince, it's not '07, all right?

They've been waiting for you. That's great.

But you are gonna have to submit to drug tests.

And it's not the studio, it's just an insurance thing.

It's not a problem. Great.

So when do I sh**t? You start March, in Europe.

And in the meantime?

In the meantime, we are gonna find something for you.

Actually, I have something. You do?

I watched a lot of news when I was in there.

Oh, it's depressing. Not always.

Did you guys get caught up in that whole mining disaster?

Fifteen guys stuck underground for a month.

Yeah, in Chile. That was like a year ago.

This wasn't Chile. it was Romania.

These things happen bi-monthly.

I mean, it was riveting.

I mean, I felt like these guys, cut off from all my friends and family for three months.

I mean, I didn't talk to anyone till yesterday.

And you pretty much spoke to everyone, huh?

The main character is an American, mortgages his house and smuggles his Labrador into Romania to dig for survivors.

Anyway, I really think there's a movie in this.

Yeah, could be. Yeah... Totally.

A movie for you?

I mean it could be great, don't you think?

Well, I mean there's not a whole lot of time between now and March, Vince.

And I want to direct it too. I'm gonna go to the bathroom.

Johnny, order me something good, huh? You got it, bro.

Track him. Yeah. Vin, wait up.

Directing? A Labrador?

Take it easy. I am easy.

I just want to make sure that we all have our senses here because he's pitching a Lifetime movie that should be starring the Marley and Me dog, not him, and a bunch of dummies are drooling like he's selling Avatar.

No one drooled.

I didn't hear you say anything negative either, Ari.

I said it with my eyes, all right?

Listen, somebody's got to talk to him.

Nobody's talking to him today. He needs time to acclimate.

We don't have any time. We've got to get him back on track, and fast.

I will talk to him. Give it a rest, Scott.

Give what a rest?

This is not the Chilean miner movie.

This is about aboveground as much as it is below.

It's crazy touching. Sounds like it.

And guess what the guy's Lab's name is, Johnny?

What's that, Vince? Johnny.

Amazing. Where are you going?

Getting something to drink. What are you getting?

Depends on what's in there. Why?

It's just that I made some iced tea.

I'll take that. It's really good.

Grab me one, too. Okay.

Stop telling him the movie's good, Drama.

E, Vince is in a fragile state right now.

He's feeling very intoxicated, if you will, about this idea.

Even though it sucks.

We crush him, he may need to get really intoxicated, and then he will not be okay.

Okay, so we wait one week, and then we tell him it sucks.

Agreed. Yes.

We're not gonna tell him, I am. And what's a week gonna do?

We waited a week to tell you Sloan sent your engagement ring back.

What?

I've been carrying this around, waiting for the right moment to tell you.

She sent it in an envelope? Not even a padded one.

Imagine if we told you that last week.

I understand she wants my sh*t out of her space, but this ring cost me 30 f*cking grand.

Still hurts. Still hurts.

We wait two weeks, and then we tell him it's a piece of...

Couldn't carry five. What's that?

Sloan's engagement ring. She sent it over in an envelope.

Not even a padded one. That's harsh.

Really puts what you've been going through into perspective, right, Vin?

I mean, you got it way worse than Vince.

Yeah, I know. I get that, Turtle.

Did you take a place? No, I've been staying here.

Oh, I didn't know that. How would you?

E. I want to hear more about the movie.

How about those iced teas, huh?

Tell me about this Lab. What kind of Lab is Johnny?

Yellow. Love it. Yellow.

What do you guys say we call Dana Gordon about this?

Maybe make up for some of the troubles I've caused her over the years.

Let's do business tomorrow. Tonight, let's have fun.

It's a good idea, Scotty. What are you guys thinking?

Spare Room? Voyeur? No.

Clubs? No, not a club.

All right, what then? I could cook.

Cook? Guys...

I've been in lockdown for three months. I need some excitement. Give me some.

We could order from Vito's. The delivery girl is hot.

Great pizza. Guys, really?

All right, bro. You ruined it.

Ruined what? We were gonna give you a welcome-home party.

It was gonna be a surprise. Really?

Yeah, it's gonna be off the hook.

Who's coming? Who isn't coming?

Sweet. All right. I'd better rest up.

All right, bro, take a nap. See you in a bit.

What are you doing? He's like a teenager.

It's better to have him home under our roof than out running amok. Turtle, clear out the bar.

It's all fake sh*t. This is gonna be a sober party.

Even the fake sh*t's got to go.

Who's actually coming? You know any sober people?

Of age? E?

Only Billy Walsh.

Billy Walsh.

Now you're talking.

Hello? Hello? Ari, what are you doing here?

Can I take the kids to dinner tonight?

They have plans. Can I take you to dinner tonight?

I am cooking dinner.

I'd like to talk to you.

Daddy! There he is.

You staying here tonight? Nope.

I just stopped by to say "hello."

I want to show you something I made.

Oh, okay. Go get it, buddy.

Okay. All right.

Are you mad at me about something?

No, I'm just saying... No, I'm not talking about right now.

Lately you've been acting increasingly hostile towards me.

I think that's all in your head. Do you?

Well, I'm not happy that you've been picking Jonah up from school every Monday.

He wasn't feeling well. What was I supposed to do?

Monday is my day.

They called me because they couldn't find you.

I was at a charity event. I think that our kids need you more than the orphans do.

They're not f*cking orphans! They are f*cking African children with no f*cking legs and no f*cking water!

How many f*cking times do I have to tell you this?

You know what? You cannot just walk in here whenever you want to.

What are we doing here? What do you mean?

I mean how long do you want to keep going on like this?

It is devastating them.

You, do not use the children like that.

Okay, it's devastating me. Honey, listen.

I'm devastated. I'm sorry.

Honey, I want to come home.

We agreed to try this, and it has only been two months.

No, it has been 10 weeks, and I am not liking this one bit.

I made a therapy appointment for us tomorrow, all right?

I miss you. I want to come home.

I'm not ready. Tell me what that means.

It means that I'm still discovering things about myself that I didn't know.

Okay, like what?

Let's talk tomorrow in therapy.

I want to talk about it right now.

Tell me why you don't want me to come home.

L... Yes, speak.

What?

I've been seeing someone.

Well, say something.

What is there to say?

Don't you think the balloons are kind of stupid, Drama?

A roomful of addicts can get a little heavy.

I'm trying to keep the mood light.

Should we hire a clown? Funny.

Maybe we should auction off this ring to the most sober person here.

Yeah.

What? Have you been drinking?

What? E?

I do smell real beer. Don't smell me, Turtle.

Well, if I can't smoke, you can't drink.

Where did you get beer? I found it in the garage.

Turtle must have missed it. Jesus, Turtle.

You said clean out the house.

Well, now I'm telling you to clean out the garage.

Vince has never even been in the garage.

You want to take a chance that tonight's his first time?

Now go. I'm going.

And you, E, don't melt down on me tonight.

I'm not gonna melt down, Drama.

Hey. All right, I've got five girls coming.

They all claim they don't drink. Good?

I'll frisk them at the door for anything heavier.

That's a really good idea, Drama.

I see nothing but dudes, Johnny.

Nothing but dudes, but very nice balloons.

The girls are coming and the balloons are festive, so don't molest them.

--Fatburger truck.

Nice.

Ooh, ooh, can we get a bouncy?

Ha, Billy! Vinnie!

Hey, I'm sorry I couldn't come get you today.

You called him too, huh?

Anyone else with you? Not that I'm not happy to see you.

Just some girls.

Well played.

What's up, Billy? Joy.

Hi, Vince. Sophia.

Maria, Debra. Hello.

Natasha, Elizabeth, Ryan, Beth, Maeve, Paola, lngrid, Samantha, Madonna, Maryanne, Julianne, Julie, Kristen, Kersten, Kirsten.

Yes!

How did you get all these girls to come here so quickly?

I went around to a bunch of NA, AA, whatever "A" meetings I used to attend.

Told them Vince Chase was dry and lonely.

You are a genius.

I think one of the meetings was a sexaholic meeting, but I'm not sure. Interesting.

That girl doesn't like Romanian miners as much as Chilean miners.

Do you think it matters? No.

Miners? This movie idea I have.

I'd love to tell you about it. I'd love to hear about it.

Can I show you an article? Scott?

No, no, I've heard all about it.

You go. I'm gonna scan the place for sex addicts, okay?

Hey, did you guys come together?

If not, do you want to?

Huh?

Hey, Sloan. it's me.

I know you're mad I didn't come pick up my stuff, but I got the package you sent.

I've got to be honest, now I'm a little bit mad.

I mean, I hope you at least insured it.

To rerecord your message, press four.

f*ck.

Hey, got the ring. Thanks a lot.

To rerecord your message, press four.

f*ck!

Hey.

If you're happy with your recording, press pound.

f*ck you! What are you doing?

Jesus, nothing. Scott, unbutton another button on your shirt.

Were you just calling Sloan?

Can we take the night off being partners, please?

f*ck her, okay? f*ck her.

f*ck her, f*ck her, f*ck her, f*ck her, f*ck her.

I don't want you to do this. I'll f*ck her.

I'll f*ck her and I'll tell her to go f*ck herself, for you.

I don't want you to do that. I will, is what I'm saying.

That's very generous of you and I appreciate that.

Can you just focus on the fact that your best friend is back?

Can you do that? My best friend who hasn't called me?

Druggies always blame their best friends. It's what they do.

It's addiction 101 . You should know this.

Whatever. I need another beer.

You have beer? I hid two in the bushes.

Can I have one? Sure.

Thank you. Everything all right, Ari?

I need a drink. Ew, this is a dry party.

I got two beers in the bushes.

Yeah, yeah, it's an interesting take on a familiar story.

Isn't it?

Ari. Hold on, guys. I'll be right back.

Was that sarcastic? What?

"An interesting take on a familiar story?"

The guy's pitching an MOW.

The guy just got out of rehab. He needs positivity.

You should know that better than anyone.

Yeah, you're right. You're right.

You seem out of it, Ari. No, I'm okay. I'm fine.

I just, you know, I need a... What?

A drink?

It's okay if you want to have a drink, Ari.

I think there's a bottle of vodka in the freezer.

Thank you. Good man.

Hey, Vince. The coal miners/Labrador thing is genius, bro.

If you don't direct it, I would love to.

Did you hear that? Billy loves my movie idea.

Great. How's he doing on your show, Johnny?

Johnny Bananas is a beast, bro.

It's funny, it's got heart. Billy's k*lling it.

Andrew Dice Clay is really, really k*lling it.

You like Dice better than me? Did I say that?

E?

I thought you guys are both amazing gorillas, Drama.

Yeah, but not equal gorillas, though.

I'm Johnny. Dice is second banana, right?

I'm dying to see it. I got clips in the car.

Would you mind getting them? Absolutely not.

I'll be right back. I could use a drink.

The bar's full of waters, bro.

How great is this? All the boys back together, living under one roof.

Just like old times. You're staying here, too?

Yeah, just till you get settled.

I'm settled. It's gonna be fun either way.

Doesn't seem like E's having fun.

Well, the guy was supposed to be married in three weeks. He's a little sad.

Is that what's troubling you, E?

Nothing's troubling him.

Smile, E. Come on, big smile.

Why are you pissed at me and nobody else?

E. Let's talk.

Let's. Tonight is not the night.

It's fine, Johnny. Let's go.

Vince doesn't need any drama tonight, E.

We'll be back.

Turtle!

Drama.

Hey, where's the vodka? There's none left in the freezer.

I put it all away. The place is crawling with addicts.

Look, I need a drink. You don't want what I have.

Just give it to me!

There's eight bottles in the barbecue.

Help yourself. Thank you.

Turtle!

So your girlfriend's the girl in all those tequila ads?

Yes, I am an overachiever. Wow.

You know, the only thing that helped me stop drinking was to be able to focus on her gorgeous face and not the bottle in all those ads.

Really? Well, tell all your non-alchy friends to keep drinking the stuff. I own a piece of the company.

I will. All right.

So is she here? Where is that gorgeous girl anyway?

Oh, she's off on the Avión publicity tour.

Oh, that's too bad, 'cause I would have totally had a threesome with you guys.

Turtle! Turtle! What? What? What?

E is stressing out Vince.

I need you to make sure they don't get any real alone time.

Why can't you do it? I tried.

Plus, Scott's screening some Johnny Bananas footage.

I can't miss that. Oh, you can't miss that.

She's back in two weeks.

Isn't honesty one of your 12 steps?

Yeah, it is. So why's all your anger directed at me?

There's no anger. That's one of my steps also.

I'm not angry, I'm disappointed.

Vince, our business and our friendship are gonna mix.

There's no way around that. Friendship comes first.

I hear you. I'm gonna do my best to separate them.

Thank you. E, I need a big year.

I want to get back and I think this movie idea I got could be it.

What?

See, our business and our friendship are mixing right now.

How? Because I hate the idea for business, but as your friend, I don't want to tell you that because...

Because why?

I don't want you freaking out and going off on some bender.

You're not seriously worried about that? Shouldn't I be?

E, I went to rehab to avoid jail.

It actually was good. I learned some good things.

And I enjoy having clarity. But forget that.

You don't like my movie idea.

No, I hate it. Well, you're wrong.

Everyone else loves it. Yo, fellas.

Let's go back inside. We're talking, Turtle.

Drama doesn't want you to. I don't care.

Go back inside. No, it's okay.

Turtle, what do you think of my movie idea?

What? I mean you like it, right?

Uh, yeah. Yeah, of course.

Are you lying? No.

If you get a good script and a good director...

Well, you're directing, so if you direct it good and someone writes it good and you get a really charismatic dog, the sky's the limit. Wow.

Vince.

I can't take this pressure, all right?

I've got to smoke and that's final.

Do me a favor, Ronald. Tell me if I'm clear.

I can't see beyond the truck. Ruffy!

Yeah, yeah, no problem. Yeah, you're all good.

You're all good, go.

Holy sh*t! Why did you do that, Ronald?

It was funny. I mean, why do you think?

It wasn't funny.

Bro, you've got to see this part.

Whatever, Johnny.

What the f*ck did E do?

I don't know. He says he's enjoying his clarity. He's fine.

No, once you're an addict, you're always an addict.

Lame! You might want to slow down, Ari.

f*ck you, Drama.

An addict, unlike most people, once they start drinking, smoking or doing whatever it is they're addicted to...

Jerking off, for me. For sure.

It's impossible for them to stop. The compulsion is too strong.

I myself, I cannot even have one sip of beer.

Why? What would happen?

After about a week, I'd be holed up in my grandmother's house with my penis tied off looking for a vein.

Quick, come out! Vince is having like a heart att*ck or something.

Turtle, come quick!

How could you give him coke?

I don't know. I snuck it in and he saw it and begged.

I'm so sorry.

What the f*ck? Vince!

We thought you were having a heart att*ck.

I'm not having a heart att*ck. I'm not doing coke.

I wanted everyone to see this.

That's okay, everyone. Remain calm.

He's still a friend of Bill's. That beer is not real.

I know it's not real, Johnny. I know all of this is not real, including the vodka Ari thinks he's tripping on.

None of this is real and none of you are being real.

Because I'm fine.

I didn't do coke, I'm not gonna do coke.

Okay? I want to get back to where I was.

I want all of this behind me.

But if you, my agent, my representatives, my friends or whatever the f*ck you are, keep treating me f*cking weird, I can't do that.

We get it. Good. So now, if everyone thinks my movie idea sucks, just tell me.

It's really bad. It's terrible.

Possibly the worst ever. It was actually disgusting.

You too, Billy? I mean, you know, if it was on a network and Drama was the American, I'd love it.

I love that. So do I.

Can we make that happen, Ari?

I'm still trying to process the fake vodka thing.

Come on, let's make that happen.

See, guys? I can adapt.

I'm all good. We're all good.

Turtle, what's up with Arnold? I don't know.

Anybody smell smoke?

I could make the argument that this is Drama's fault.

I wouldn't.

I'm just saying, it was his idea for us to hide all our vices.

I'm sorry, Vin. I'm an idiot.

It's okay. I think it's a good omen.

A clean start.

I agree, but where are we staying tonight?

You're staying here, too?

I didn't want to be left out. Yeah, me either.

Are you crying, Ari? No, I've got smoke in my eyes.