01x03 - Vacation

[bunniefuu]

Oh, hello.

Don't worry, it's me.

And this outfit will make
sense in just a moment.

Let me get you caught up.

Previously at the café,

we were having trouble
with the register.

Okay, one small drip coffee.

That'll be $ , ... whoa.

Whoops. (LAUGHS)

$ , .

Hey, we seem to be moving
in the wrong direction.

So, after much research, I got
a new state-of-the-art register.

I call him Reggie,

and I think he might
be a good luck charm,

because after we got him, the
most amazing thing happened.

RADIO ANNOUNCER:
This is . WYMZ Louisville,

and you're the fifth caller.

I'm the fifth caller?
I'm the fifth caller!

You got through!

(LAUGHS): Well, what's
your name, fifth caller?

What's my name? I-I... It's like
a short name for a longer one.

I-Is it Jen? Am I Jennifer?

Well, whoever you are,

you and a friend are
going to Puerto Rico.

- Puerto Rico!
- (SCREAMING)

I asked Randi and Phil, but
they have to cover the café,

so I asked Max, but he
has to work at the bar,

so I had to ask Tara.

Oh, my gosh, I'm so excited!

I need a break from my
soul-sucking family.

Of course.

You're the first person I thought of.

Now, vámonos. On with our show.

(CHOKING)

♪ ♪

Oh, Katharine, I almost forgot,

I brought you something for your trip.

It's a dual bottle opener r*pe whistle.

Don't put the sharp end in your mouth.

Great. Thanks.

And, Randi, when you
put the cats to sleep,

don't forget to say, "Go
pee pee, go nigh nigh."

Yeah, I'm not saying that.

Gave it a sh*t.

And, Phil, repeat after me.

BOTH: No twirling in the café.

I know, I know.

Lady Baton remains in her box.

Hello, Reggie.

Is that a roll of quarters
in your drawer,

or are you just happy to see me?

Reggie, I think I'll miss
you most of all.

There's my world traveler.

You ready for Puerto Rico?

Home to the fourth-largest reptile,

the leatherback sea turtle.

How do I know that, you ask?
Went through a big turtle phase.

- They're the ocean's lawn mowers.
- (CHUCKLES)

Yes, I'm ready.

Gonna vacation the hell
out of this vacation.

Might even start a blog about it.

Probably not. I don't
think I'm that person.

- (PHONE RINGING)
- Oh, it's Tara.

Hey, Tar-Tar, you ready
to get in the car-car

so we can go to PR?

No, I'm at the hospital.

Jayden fell off the monkey bars

and they think he might
have a concussion.

I told him he better be seeing two of me

if I'm missing a trip for this.

I'm so, so sorry, Kitty Kats.

So we're not gonna go to
PR to get some R and R

'cause you're stuck in the ER?

No worries. I hope Jayden
feels better. Bye.

- Oh, I'm sorry.
- Oh, gosh.

- That's terrible.
- It's a dangerous world.

I should've known not to ask her.

No disrespect to any of you with kids,

but you're kind of flaky.

Oh, well, it was a nice idea.
I'll help you unpack.

Oh. Now I got to give the r*pe
whistle back and everything?

You could still go.
I love traveling alone.

No arguing over where to eat,

no pressure to go to a museum,

and you'll meet new people.

Like criminals.

You'll be abducted in a hot minute.

They'll take your vital organs,

then ship your hollow
body back full of dr*gs.

Sheila, Puerto Rico is very safe.

And she's staying at a fancy resort.

RANDI: Aw, Kat, you'll be okay.

And if you go to Puerto
Rico by yourself,

you will be my shero.

I would love to be your shero.

Thinking... thinking...

I just have a feeling in my gut

that if I say goodbye to you now,

it'll be goodbye forever.

Mother, stop it.

You've been doing this
to me since I was a kid.

You used to tell me, never let anyone

take me to a second location.

But then Tara's dad wanted to
take us to get frozen yogurt

after gymnastics and I said,
"No, not a second location."

I tucked and rolled
right out of that car.

(PHONE CHIMES)

My ride's here.

I'm going.

- Oh, yes!
- Good for you.

And-and if I end up getting
turned into a human drug mule...

... it's been real.

Final hugs, bring it in.

Yeah. Thank you.

♪ ♪

Room .

Enjoy your stay in Louisville.

Well, what was I supposed to do?

Have my organs harvested and
sold on the black market?

No, thank you.

Hey, Phil, two double sh*ts of espresso.

Heck, you know what? Make it four each.

What are we, babies?

Good Lord, y'all sounds like
you got a truckload of peaches

you need to get to Omaha by sunup.

Nope, my divorce just got finalized.

Got a little work thing to do
and then we gonna party.

Or we might end up crying by the river.

MAX: Hey.

I got tissues, a full t*nk of gas,

and two mystery pills I found
in my glove compartment.

We're having fun.

No, no, no. It's on the house.

This is for a friend in need
who is a friend indeed.

Uh, Phil, ixnay with
the ee-fray offee-cay.

Kat left us in charge.

And knowing her,
she probably put a nanny cam

in one of the cat's eyes.

Hey, Kat.

We hope you're enjoying your trip, girl.

Everything's going great here.

Well, sh**t, we're locked out again.

Well, where's the sticky
with the password on it?

Gosh, I don't know. Maybe it fell.

Is it stuck to me?

You know how those stickies
end up in weird places.

Well, you don't have to tell me.

I walked home from work last week

with a sticky stuck to
the back of my pants

that said "Heat to ."

I went on a date after work

with one stuck between my boobs

that said "Large bills go here."

(LAUGHTER)

Don't you laugh at that.

(ELEVATOR BELL CHIMES)

Ooh.

There is no way I'm not following

that tray of crab legs.

After all, that's what I would be eating

if I was in Puerto Rico.

Uh, excuse me, ma'am,
this is a private event.

Are you here for the Bourbon
Makers of Kentucky?

I can't. I shouldn't.

I am.

All right. Let's get you
signed in. Name?

Um, uh...

That's me. (TAPS)

All right, Renee. Enjoy. (LAUGHS)

BENNETT: Renee?

Uh, Renee.

Yes.

It is I, Renee.

Sorry, my friends call me Renee-nee.

I-I'm so happy you made it.

Uh, your assistant said
you missed your flight.

I did.

I did. And then caught another.

And the fact that my assistant
did not call to tell you that

is the reason that I will be
looking for a new assistant.

Well, I'm Bennett, and-and
I just love your column

in the Whiskey Advocate.

Thank you. Thank you.

(LAUGHS): I mean, of all the name tags.

Here's a question I pose
to new acquaintances.

If someone didn't know my column,

how would you describe it to them?

Oh, uh, well, uh, y-you are able
to talk about small-batch bourbons

with remarkable specificity i-in
a way that tickles the taste buds

- as well as the imagination.
- Uh-huh. Uh-huh, uh-huh.

(LAUGHS): Yes.

Not the first time I've heard that.

(LAUGHS)

Oh, uh, I hate to pull you
away from your crab,

but do you mind if we get
started with the tasting?

It's why I'm here.

It's what I live for.

Let me just, uh, tuck my
hair behind my ears.

(CHUCKLES)

Okay, good news, Phil,
we don't have to call Kat.

The register company said there's
a super code in the manual

that will help us open the register.

Great. Where's the manual?

Well, last time I saw it,
it was in the register.

Coffee and a slice of derby pie?

Great order. Love that order.

Love you for ordering it. Excuse me.

Randi, what are we gonna do?

I keep making change out
of the emergency fund

that I keep in my underpants.

But I am all out of my dingle dollars.

Okay, you did not tell me that's
where that money came from.

I just rubbed my eye, Phil.

Uh, excuse me, ma'am,
just to let you know,

tonight is "pay what you can night,"

so just pay what you can or-or
what you think we're worth.

Cool.

We'll bring that right out.

That was a $ bill, Phil.

- I saw that.
- Ooh.

Ugh, well, the governor thinks
I have irritable bowel syndrome.

No disrespect to real IBS sufferers.

Uh, why does the governor think that?

Well, my boyfriend Preston
and I were having dinner

with him and his wife.

But I kept leaving the dinner table

to go to the bathroom to check my phone.

Apparently my daughter doesn't know

the most important rule of traveling.

Keep your passport in your underwear?

How many things do you
keep in there, Phil?

The rule is: call your
mother when you land.

I mean, she should have gotten
to Puerto Rico three hours ago.

Have either of you heard from her?

We have not, but then again,
we've been trying to avoid her.

(SIGHS) Well, I left Preston
at the governor's mansion,

so, all right, I'm just
going to sit here

and stare at my phone.

Well, may I have a sweet tea, please?

Sure, and just to let you know,
it's pay what you can night.

Oh, that's fun.

So, we have ten samples

from different local makers

in front of you.
The samples are numbered.

When you're ready, Renee.

Bottoms up.

(STRAINS): Wow.

Number one tastes very burny-throaty.

- And... ?
- A-And...

Still tasting. (CHUCKLES)

Mmm.

Receiving the notes.

Uh, processing the flavors.

And I'm getting...

the last slice of Grandma's apple pie,

a tickle of mossy earth,

and a hint of a wet penny

stolen from a mall fountain.

- She's so good.
- (APPLAUSE)

Such a palette.

(GURGLING)

(STOMPS) Yowza,
that one's really special.

I'm getting movie popcorn, Band-Aid,

- and a whisper of...
- MAX: Kat?

Exactly, a whisper of cat.

- What are you doing here?
- I'm here with Carter.

He's picking out new
bourbons for the bar.

He may be picking up
some other things, too.

But what about you?

I'm impersonating a bourbon expert

and I'm learning so, so much.

Number one thing of my learning...

you are not supposed
to drink all the sh*ts.

You're supposed to spit
them out in a little bucket.

I learned that about halfway through.

But you know what?

Renee Lancaster finishes
what she starts.

Okay, do you need some help standing up?

No, I don't, but I do have
a question for you.

Why is this a tablecloth
and not a dress?

Because this is beautiful
and I would wear this.

Please don't wear that.

Listen, why aren't you in Puerto Rico?

Oh, that.

Because I got freaked out.
It's my mom's fault.

She messed me up, man.

She messed me up real bad.

I just couldn't do it, Max.

Why didn't you just go home, then?

Because I can't let her win.

And Randi called me her shero.

♪ Then a shero comes along ♪

♪ With the strength to carry on... ♪

All right, do you have a...
do you have a room here?

We need to get you upstairs, Kat.

- Shh! Don't call me Kat.
- Okay.

For the rest of the night, my name is...

Renee Lancaster.

The queen hath returned.

The kingdom was never mine to rule.

I can see that now.

Okay, you just arrived
and there's the ocean.

- (GASPS)
- There's a turtle!

- Ooh!
- There's a weird smell.

- Ew.
- That was for my own amusement.

Perfect. Check it out.

- KAT: Oh, my gosh, so realistic!
- MAX: I know.

I photoshopped me swimming
with dolphins once.

And when I found the picture later,

I thought I'd really swam with dolphins.

Max, you're the best.

Thanks for not judging me

and helping me deceive
my mother and friends.

Anytime.

All right, I'm gonna go
get some frozen water

to make round two of
this burny-throaty stuff

go down a little more nicey-icy.

(CHUCKLES)

♪ We don't need another shero. ♪

- Kat?
- Carter.

Fine. You caught me.

I'm not on vacation.
I'm on a staycation,

which is totally valid, so
quit harshing my mellow.

See, this is why I don't
date white women.

I don't know what you're talking
about. Have you seen Max?

Someone said he left with
a woman named Renee.

Renee, Renee.

Yeah, it doesn't ring any bells.

Maybe she's a ghost
who haunts these halls.

Anyway, he's with me now.
We're having a little hotel party.

- Oh.
- Ooh, a party? Can I tell my friends?

Sure. Tell your friends.

Any friends of yours who
don't know my friends

are friends of mine.

Ooh, Phil, I think "pay
what you can night"

might have been our most
successful Friday ever.

- (PHONE CHIMES)
- Oh. It's her!

(GASPS) She sent a photo from the beach.

- (PHONES VIBRATING)
- Oh, I got it, too.

Me, too. Oh, it's beautiful there.

(SIGHS) Well, that's
all I needed to see.

Proof of life and no
signs of duress. (SIGHS)

Well, Preston's staying at
the governor's mansion

because he is apparently sauced

and the chief of staff
took away his keys.

So I'm just going to sleep
here at Katharine's.

Maybe grab a shower.

Believe it or not,

she actually has better
water pressure than I do.

(CHUCKLES) Good night, Sheila.

PHIL: Night night, sleep tight.

What? Phil, look at this photo of Kat.

I saw it. I wonder
what she's pointing at.

I bet it's a turtle.

Look at her armpit.

Does that blue square look familiar?

Is that our password sticky?

It must have gotten stuck to her

when she was hugging Reggie goodbye.

Okay, I'm making this bigger.

Type this in. One word, all caps:

"Reg is my soul mate ."

Ooh, that is nasty.

Oh, thank goodness.

My ChapStick was in there.

I thought my lips were
gonna start bleeding.

Wait, I thought that was my ChapStick.

Oh, is it?

- You can have it.
- Mm.

- ♪ Slow down... ♪
- Great party.

I know. This is the kind of
party I usually hear about

the next day and wish
I had been invited to.

I just can't stop smiling.

It's actually hurting
my TMJ a little bit.

I am really gonna need Monty
the Mouthguard tonight.

Oh. I forgot to pack him.

I need to run home and get Monty.

What? Are you serious?

You can't sleep without your
mouthguard for one night?

If I sleep without it,
my TMJ triggers migraines.

Why are you trying to hurt me, bro?

(SCOFFS) Well, let me come with you.

No, no, no. You have
to guard the minibar.

That's a $ jar of cashews over there.

That's nuts.

Exactly.

- (SHOWER RUNNING)
- (SHEILA HUMMING)

Is that my mother?

She is obsessed with my water pressure.

(SHEILA SINGING)

♪ I do... ♪

(SHEILA VOCALIZING)

- (CLATTERING)
- SHEILA: Oh! Oh, no.

Oh, no, I think it's broken!

Ugh! Of course this would
happen on my vacation.

(DOOR RATTLING)

Katharine, comma, I'm staying
at your place, period.

Sorry to report I broke
your hair dryer, sad face.

I'll get you a new one, period.

Keep letting me know you're safe.

Prayer hands, heart, kisses, unicorn.

Oh. You're a mother, you understand.

It's hard when they go away.

Can I tell you a secret?

I prayed for a boy. Hmm?

Well, I-I thought I'd
worry about him less.

You know? But...

then I got a girl...

and I have been terrified every day

that something would happen to her.

And if it did...

I don't know what I'd do.

Probably just throw myself off a cliff.

Or off of a bridge.

Or into my acting career, something.

Kat?

(GASPS)

Hola, Randi. Hola, Phil.

I am a hologram, greeting
you from Puerto Rico.

Isn't technology fascinating?

(DANCE MUSIC PLAYING)

You look really good tonight.

Nope.

Man, our boss sure knows
how to throw a rager

of a hotel party.

Yes, she does. Where'd
she go, by the way?

Oh, it's hard to say.

Nope.

I mean, my mother did
what she did out of love.

I can't keep blaming her

for the reason I'm Dora
the Non-Explorer.

In your defense, Dora
did not travel alone.

She had a monkey sidekick
and a singing map.

I'd give my life savings
for a singing map.

I'd give my left nut for a monkey.

And you don't have to blame anybody.

You just don't like to travel
alone. A lot of people don't.

But a lot of people do. You do.

Yeah, but I'm a six-foot-three
strapping young man.

Those are my nana's words.

With a yellow belt in tae kwon do.

Cool.

One could argue
I'm searching for adventure,

whereas you create it wherever you go.

I like that spin.

Hey, Louisville!

I am owning the fact that I'm
uncomfortable traveling alone!

It frightens me!

And I don't feel like I need to do it!

(LAUGHS SOFTLY)

Gosh, I feel so much better.
That was exhilarating.

You should try yelling something.

I'm crazy about this woman!

In fact, I am in love with her

and I have been thinking
of ways to propose!

And you know what?

On a rooftop under the stars
seems pretty damn good.

(EXHALES)

What did you say?

Let's go?

We should probably get the life
of the party back to the party.

That's nice, too.

(DOORKNOB RATTLING)

I'm so happy.

Me, too.

So what should we do today?

Take long showers and nap all afternoon?

Ah, sounds perfect.

Should we eat that $
jar of cashews first?

Are you nuts?

(CHUCKLES) Never gets old.

I picked up supplies at
the store down the street.

Here's what $ gets you there.

(TARA GIGGLES)

♪ Whoo ♪

♪ Ha-ha! ♪

♪ Wow ♪

♪ Oh ♪

♪ Yeah ♪

♪ Hey ♪

♪ hours in the day, let's go ♪

♪ We got too many people
runnin' up on the floor ♪

♪ It's time to show your true colors ♪

♪ Baby, let them be free ♪

♪ Yeah, I love the way you move it ♪

♪ When you moving with me ♪

- ♪ Come on, let's party ♪
- ♪ Yeah, yeah ♪

- ♪ Let go of your body ♪
- ♪ Yeah, yeah ♪

♪ It's time to show your true colors ♪

♪ Baby, let them be free ♪

♪ Yeah, I love the way you move it ♪

♪ When you moving with me ♪

♪ I said I love the way you move it ♪

♪ When you moving with me ♪

♪ Put your hands in the air... ♪