01x04 - Therapy

[bunniefuu]

Oh, hello.

I was just being sad.

On purpose. It's called
"melancholy for fun."

You have to practice being sad sometimes

to know what happy is.

♪ I'm never gonna dance again ♪

♪ Guilty feet have got no rhythm ♪

♪ Though it's easy to pretend... ♪

And when I really need a good
cry to get the toxins out,

I do this.

(CRYING): I love you all so much.

And I'm gonna do whatever it takes

to find you a forever home.

- (MEOWS)
- I love you more!

(SOBS)

Kitty kisses all around.

Come here.

But then there are times
when I get sad for real.

Preston's visiting his daughter

in Atlanta and I can't be alone
in the house with all the ghosts.

The little one drives me up the wall.

So I'm staying with you for the weekend.

That was minutes ago.

Katharine.

- Oh, geez.
- I brought my dermabrasion tool.

Let's get down to your good skin.

(TOOL WHIRRING)

(QUIETLY): Help me.

♪ ♪

Mother, why did you
rearrange all my drawers?

So they would make sense.

I can't find my pajamas.

Use your logic.

Where would pajamas be?

Well, in a perfect world,

they would be folded
under my pillow, but...

Wait a minute, are they
folded under my pillow?

Why is there a lipstick
under there, too?

Use your logic.

In case there's an emergency

and I end up face-to-face
with a fireman?

No. Because makeup is what separates us

from the common beast.

(MOUTHS)

Kat? What are you doing up
earlier than my biscuits?

It's not safe for me up there, Phil.

My mother tried to cut my
toenails while I was sleeping.

I cut my mama's toenails

'cause her glaucoma has gotten
so bad, she can't see her feet.

She tried to offer me a dollar per toe,

but I said, "No way, Mama.
It's on the house.

I don't need the eight dollars."

And now her eyes hurt so bad,

the doctor suggested (WHISPERS):
medicinal marijuana.

Really? It's not even legal here.

Don't you tell the cops, Kat.

I'll take you down with me.

SHEILA: Oh, Katharine.

Oh, I woke up alone,
terrified you'd been abducted.

They wouldn't have to abduct me.

I would go willingly.

Have you brushed your
teeth this morning?

Yes, Mother.

(LAUGHS): Because I'm years old.

So if I checked your
toothbrush, it'd be wet?

Okay, Phil, we are all set.

We just have to get
there before they close.

Oh, I cannot believe it's come to this.

Driving two hours to Cincinnati

to buy Mary Jane for my mother

who is also named Mary Jane.

Although, in some ways, it seems
like it was written in the stars.

Oh, we'll make it fun. Reefer road trip.

We can listen to my favorite audiobook,

Coming Home to Myself by Wynonna Judd.

You know Ashley never wanted to sing?

If you hate me, just say it, Phil.

- Hello there.
- PHIL/RANDI: Hey.

Sorry I haven't been
more available to help

at the café that I own,

but my mother added a few
things to my grocery list.

Did you know that there
are nine sizes of olives

and she likes the ones
that no one carries.

There are actually sizes.

The ones that are the
size of lemur testicles

are the hardest to find, but
the sweetest to bite into.

Thank you, Wyatt.

Um, are you remembering to be careful

with how you pet the cats?

Stop bringing that up.
I didn't have my glasses on.

I'll be down in a minute.

By the way, Randi, cute sweater.

I have one just like it.

Oh, this is yours.

Your mom let me go through
your Goodwill bag.

You don't have a Goodwill bag, do you?

Don't you dare tell her I took a scarf.

Mother, what are you doing?

What does it look like I'm doing?

Use your logic.

Severing our relationship?

Freshening things up.

This is the Pantone Color
of the Year: Classic Blue.

First of all, that is University
of Kentucky Blue.

That is the cruelest thing
you can do to a Cards fan.

And second of all, you have no right

to just change things in
my home without asking.

But blue is supposed to be calming.

Do I look calm?!

Do I sound calm?!

Trust me, when I'm
finished, you'll love it.

Grab a brush.

(GASPS) Katharine!

Well, trust me,

when I'm finished, you'll love it.

(SHEILA SCREAMING)

Help! Help! Elder abuse!

Someone help me! (SCREAMS)

She's an elder and she's abusing me!

You get back here!

"Go to a cat café," I said to myself.

"It'll be a calm place
to get some work done."

(SHEILA SCREAMING)

(INDISTINCT SHOUTING)

Now, that reminds me of when my mama

used to chase me around the
house with a hair brush.

- (SHEILA SCREAMING IN DISTANCE)
- Were you tender-headed as a child?

Oh, no, no, no.

She was chasing me to
whup my ass with it.

My mama used to spank us with a spatula.

Then she'd go right back
to flipping pancakes.

(SHEILA SCREAMS)

I mean, we've always butted heads,

but it's gotten really bad.

Like cage fight bad.

Y'all just can't be bringing your
drama into the café like that.

Because then it becomes my drama,

and Randi doesn't do drama.

Unless I'm on hold for too
long, and then I go off.

Then you'll have to help me k*ll her.

And for the remainder
of this conversation,

I'll replace the word
"k*ll" with "celebrate."

So what do you think I
should celebrate her with?

You know they don't sell happy
hour nachos in prison, right?

Would you consider therapy as a plan B

to "celebrating" your mother?

I would consider therapy
after I celebrate her.

I was thinking about couples therapy.

My ex, Brigitte, is a family
therapist in France.

Used to work with a lot of
parents and their adult kids.

(MOCKINGLY): My ex, Brigitte,
is a family therapist...

Sorry, I just had to get that out.

The French have wine and
cheese for every meal

and they still need therapy?

Girl, therapy is awesome.

I have two online shrinks that I use.

One who always agrees with me

and another one who calls Randi out

when she needs to be called out.

Which I kind of like.

Word of advice, Kat:

don't let your mama pick your shrink.

I let Stephanie pick our counselor
when we got separated.

He managed to convince me
she should have the house

and the car, and I can live in the bar

where I seem to spend all of my time.

I'm telling you right now,

there is no way on God's green earth

that I am going to therapy
with my mother.

I would rather stick pins in my eyes,

sleep in a litter box and
eat salad for breakfast.

(PHIL SIGHS)

It sounds like Phil has
something to say.

Thank you, Max.

I just feel that if me and Randi

are gonna risk federal prosecution

by driving across state lines

to buy some Mary
Jane-infused cooking oil

and bake it into my sticky buns

to relieve the pain of
my mama's glaucoma,

the least you can do

is sit on a comfortable
couch with your mama

and talk about your feelings.

Hmm.

- Mm.
- RANDI: Mm.

Mm.

Hello, Doctor. I'm Sheila Silver.

Miss Jefferson County .

Ha! She means . Nice try.

(SCOFFS)

So, is this silent thing you're doing

something you learned in therapy school?

Just be quiet, and
eventually they'll tell you

where they buried the body?

That's the police, Mother.

But speaking of school,

you've got some pretty legit-looking
diplomas here, Dr. Kevin Khan.

Are therapists really doctors though?

My daughter has a
doctorate in mathematics.

Not that she's doing
anything with that now.

(CHUCKLES) And if someone asked,
"Is there a doctor on the plane?"

what would she do to help?

Solve for "X"?

Lot of certificates.

Dr. Khan here. Dr. Khan there.

Doctor, Doctor.

BOTH: ♪ Give me the news ♪

♪ I've got a bad case of loving you ♪

♪ No pill's gonna cure my ill... ♪

You know, Katharine, you're not
singing from your diaphragm.

(STRAINED): You're
singing from your neck.

Mother, don't go all O&C on me.

What's O&C?

You can speak.

But can you sing?

♪ Doctor, Doctor ♪

♪ Give me the news ♪

♪ I've got a bad case of loving you. ♪

Randi, I could use your help.

Things are breaking bad in the kitchen.

I can't remember which
pan is the sticky buns

and which pan is the "funny buns."

Phil! Didn't you have a system
to keep them straight?

Yes, I did have a system,

but then you said, "Cover the register,"

and so I did,

but the whole time I was
thinking, you should've said,

"Cover the register, please."

So then I forgot my system.

Don't make this my fault.
I'm trying to help you.

(SNIFFING)

Okay, usually the nose knows,

but I'm getting nothing here
but cinnamon and heaven.

That's why the bud consultant
said to get the oil.

It doesn't have a smell.

Oh, I feel so much closer to you

now that we share a bud consultant.

Oh, gosh, I got to take the funny
batch to my mother tonight

and I don't have time to make a
new batch for tomorrow morning.

Phil, there's no two ways about it.

We've gotta play "sticky bun roulette."

We each try a bun from
one of the batches

and see who gets to ride the dragon.

I've never tried pot.

But then again, I've never tried sushi.

People seem to love that, so...

let's put a saddle on the dragon.

Doctor, let me explain.

"O&C" stands for "observe and critique."

When I was little, my mother
would call it a game.

"Let's play O&C," she'd say,
and then she'd look around

and find something to criticize, like...

Oh, that painting looks like it came

from a highway motel rummage sale.

And then I was supposed to
say something like, uh...

That guy's got tapered fingers.

His hands look like little starfish.

Oh, good one.

You see? It's a terrible game.

But by honing in on the negatives

you see in the world around you,

you learn how to accentuate
the positives in yourself.

You... you're a doctor, you get it.

And it was a lot more fun than
the games she wanted to play.

Like that ridiculous galloping game.

Galloping isn't a game.

It's a way of life.

And just think how much
happier the world would be

if instead of walking
or running everywhere,

we all galloped.

Gives a nice stretch to
the back of the legs,

it's very easy on the joints.

Hey, I don't feel anything, do you?

I don't feel anything either.

Not even my arms.

But my wings are taking
me wherever I need to go.

I keep thinking, why have
I not used 'em before?

O-Okay, buddy, you know what, uh,

why don't you go in the kitchen
and make sure all the spices

are where they're supposed to be,

and-and I'll check on you
in a few minutes, okay?

I'm flying.

Hey, Wyatt, how can I help you?

One of the cats licked my coffee.

Can I have a fresh one?

W... Wyatt, this is empty.

Just say you want a
refill. They're free.

PHIL: Randi, Randi, come quick!

Excuse me.

Randi, look...
I finally have flat splits.

She'd throw a tantrum

if I wouldn't gallop through
the mall with her.

But what would people have thought?

People would have thought
it was such a sweet thing

for a mother to do with her daughter.

You were . People would have wondered

why I didn't get you
the help you needed.

Just because you couldn't relate to me

doesn't mean something
was wrong with me.

Dad used to gallop home from
school with me all the time.

He was better at it than I was.

Sometimes he'd be, like,
a full two blocks ahead.

I once hitched a ride with
a dude in a van to catch up.

Your father indulged you.

He accepted me.

I wanted society to accept you.

You want me to be a mini version of you

and are constantly disappointed
because I'm not.

Oh, it's always the mother's fault.

Getting blamed for wanting
the best for her child.

Well, I'm sorry your father's
not here, Katharine.

I'm sorry I didn't die first.

Yeah, me, too.

Did I just say that out loud?

Mother, I didn't mean it like that.

I wish nobody was dead, ever.

Yes, you did. It's fine.

How long ago did he pass?

- Eight and a half months.
- Eight and a half months.

She was always a daddy's girl.
Running to him for help

when she didn't want to do what I asked.

Like beauty pageants.

I didn't want to do 'em to begin
with, then when she forced me,

she didn't even let me
pick my own talent.

The ventriloquists never win.

That's because they had
never seen a ventriloquist

with a dummy dressed as a mummy.

A dummy mummy... it would've k*lled.

SHEILA: Anyway, he let her quit.

Don't worry, she got back at him

by bringing a date to his funeral.

What are you talking about?

Oh, our neighbor Preston
lives with her now.

They were quite lovey-dovey
at the funeral.

Holding on to each other.
Rubbing each other's arms.

He was holding me up.

And of course Preston would
come to the funeral...

he was Harley's friend.

They went in halfsies
on a tractor mower.

Well, Preston's doing
all the mowing now.

You replaced Dad with him.

Well, you replaced Dad
with a bunch of feral cats.

She had a whole career in
academia and threw it all away

to serve coffee and clean litter boxes.

I quit a job I hated to
create a job I loved.

Dad would've appreciated that.

He always wanted to open a t*nk museum.

- w*r tanks, not fish tanks.
- w*r tanks, not fish tanks.

I honored him with my choice.

Well, I honored him by bringing
Preston into my life.

Oh, please.

I'd been married to Harley
since I was years old.

When he d*ed,

Dr. Carl had to prescribe
me antidepressants

just so I could get out of bed.

You took antidepressants? Which ones?

You know, the one with the commercial

where the woman hangs
on to a red balloon

as it flies over the city.

I tried those, too.

- Really?
- Yeah, they gave me diarrhea.

So I switched to the one where
the cartoon dog digs a hole

and buries the woman's
depression like a bone.

Those are the ones I tried first,

but they made me constipated.

Huh.

Isn't it interesting how two
people can try the same thing

and have a very different experience?

Thank you. Ever so.

All right, Phil, let's roll.

Phil?

Uh-oh. Randi lost Phil.

Phil?

Y'all, don't freak out, I'm right here.

Yeah, we see you, Phil.

You can see me?

You're the only ones.

Phil. Oh, thank God you're here.

Oh, hi, Randi.

Randi can see me too

'cause we share the same blood.

Oh, excuse me. I got a song in my head.

I've got to be the music.

So, Phil ate one of his sticky buns

that he made for his mama,

and now he's high as a kite
and thinks he's invisible.

That would explain why he ordered
the mac and cheese balls

with a side of hot fudge.

Is the irony of getting high for
your mom lost on anybody?

My mom found weed in my room...

she dragged me straight to church

to pray the devil out of me.

I can't even drink wine in front
of my mom. It makes her cry.

(SOUTHERN ACCENT):
"I'm just so worried about your liver

'cause I love every
part of you so much."

(REGULAR ACCENT): She thinks
I just play the piano here.

Oh, you guys are making me feel
like maybe I should call my mom.

When's the last time you talked to her?

Like, a year ago.

- What happened?
- You kidding?

Well, I'm a little hazy on the details,

but I know I was right.

(GHOSTLY): Ooh...

They're floating. How did they do that?

- Uh-oh.
- Ooh, ooh! What else can float?

Here comes the purse.

Ooh. I'm gonna put my hand in its guts!

Time to hand out some drink vouchers.

W...

I forget that I'm invisible,

but my clothes aren't. Off they go.

- Wait, wait! No, Phil, don't do that.
- (SHOUTING)

I started taking antidepressants
because I kept thinking

I saw Dad in the café drinking coffee.

Harley wouldn't be caught
dead drinking coffee.

Exactly. But then I thought,

"Well, he is dead, so maybe."

And then one time I
saw him on the street.

I could tell by the way he was walking

that-that his knee was bothering him,

so I started chasing after him

to tell him to go to the doctor
who did his hip surgery.

But I-I... Actually, I was
gonna tell him, like,

"You knee-ed to go to
the doctor." You get it?

My dad would have loved that.
He was a very punny guy.

And then when I finally caught
up with him, it was an old lady.

In my defense, she had a mustache
like Dad's, you know.

I hugged her. We're still in touch.

I'm sorry I was so wrapped
up in my own grief,

I couldn't help you with yours.

Can I give you a hug?

For the record, I... I think
Preston's a really nice guy.

You know, he's just...

he's not Dad.

Not even close.

Well, that's all the time
we have for today.

Wow. Well,

this turned out better than I thought.

And this was only our first visit...

imagine what's gonna happen next week.

Yes, I'm excited for him to
see you with lipstick on.

There's not gonna be a next week.

Well, at least not here.

Why? Are you retiring?

That's what happened with my dentist

halfway through my root canal.

No, but therapy needs to be
a good fit for both parties,

and you're not a good fit for me

and my little starfish hands.

I just meant in comparison
to the starfish

that are, like, three feet long.

Like the ones you find near Alaska.

I'll tell you one thing...

I'm never going to therapy again.

You know what I'm never gonna do again?

♪ I'm never gonna dance again ♪

♪ Guilty feet have got no rhythm ♪

♪ Though it's easy to pretend ♪

♪ I know you're not a fool ♪

- ♪ Should have known better ♪
- ♪ Should have known better ♪

♪ Than to cheat a friend ♪

♪ And waste a chance
that I've been given... ♪

What happened to me?

You got the funny bun, you lucky duck.

(PHONE RINGS)

Oh, I've got to take this.

Hey, Mom, thanks for calling me back.

♪ ♪

♪ Tonight the music seems so loud ♪

♪ I wish that we could lose this crowd ♪

- Come on.
- ♪ Maybe it's better this way ♪

♪ We'd hurt each other with
the things we'd want to say ♪

♪ We could have been so good together ♪

♪ We could have lived
this dance forever ♪

- Shake it!
- ♪ But now ♪

♪ Who's gonna dance with me... ♪