01x07 - Eggs

[bunniefuu]

Hi.

I've really enjoyed our intimate talks.

So I thought you wouldn't
mind joining me here.

That's Dr. Marshall.

She's my new gyno.

But I like to call her my "gy-yes."

Because she is so positive.

So, how are you?

Physically? Well, I could tell you,

but you went to school for this.

No, I mean how are you generally?

I just like to get to know my patients

before I glove up and clock in.

(CHUCKLES) Oh, uh, well, in that case,

I'm pretty good... I own the
cat café in the Highlands.

Uh, I said goodbye to Mr.
Mousekers this morning,

and I swear he responded with
a meow that sounded like,

(HIGH-PITCHED VOICE): "I love you."

Uh, and you're ?

Well, I've started
telling people I'm ,

so they'll tell me how good I look.

You look good for .

- Well, thank you.
- Single?

Let's see how this goes.

And kids?

- Not yet.
- Oh, have you frozen your eggs?

Uh, no.

Want to?

Uh... well...

I'm only asking because as we age,

our egg reserve decreases

and then there's perimenopause
right around the corner

in your s.

I'm getting a little dry in the mouth.

I know it's a lot,
but if you're thinking

you might want to have
kids at some point,

freezing your eggs is something
you'll want to do now.

Now?

Like now now?

Now?

♪ ♪

(INDISTINCT CHATTER)

Wow, so you're gonna freeze your eggs?

Maybe. Dr. Marshall ran some tests

to see if I even have any
eggs to freeze at my age.

Uh, I'd be optimistic.

You're pretty immature.

Well, sure, on the outside.

You know, but on the inside, maybe
I'm like that, that one banana

that's so far gone, you can't
even use it in banana bread.

Yeah, that's why you're supposed
to freeze your bananas

before they go that bad.

Do you want kids?

Well, I hated being an only child.

And I always imagined I'd
have a bunch of kids one day.

You know, they-they'd all be musical

and-and start a band.

And I'd be, like, the mom-ager,

who made sure they
weren't oversexualized

at too young an age.

I had a fantasy as a kid, too.

I k*lled all my brothers and sisters

so I could have my own room.

(LAUGHS) Well, when my friends
started having their first babies,

I was in grad school.

And when they had their second babies,

I was trying to get tenure.

And then when their babies
started having babies,

I was giving birth to this café.

And your post-café bod
looks great, by the way.

Thank you, you're pretty
smoking yourself.

So I've been told.

Kat?

I overheard your conversation
and I just want you to know

that if you need any help,

I'll do it.

Do what, Wyatt?

Sire your children.

Yeah, no-no siring needed
here. Thanks so much.

Okay, but I think I've got
what you're looking for.

Virility, masculinity

and a strong hairline that's been
passed down for generations.

- I'll give it some thought.
- And just so you know,

I'm cool with however you
want to be inseminated.

All right, little man,

you download the app I told you about?

I did, but I'm so anxious, I'm sweating

through my Dolly Parton long johns.

Oh, is it that neighborhood app?

Oh, that stresses me out, too.

Is it a million raccoons or are
we all seeing the same raccoon?

No, I'm helping Phil put
all his bills on autopay.

This bitch is going digital!

All right, Phil,

you press here, you'll see all
your charges from last month.

Damn, Phil, $ , on hearing aids?!

Can't you just be, like, old-fashioned

and hold up a funnel to your ear?

Well, I didn't buy 'em for me.
I bought 'em for Henry.

Who's Henry?

He's a gentleman I met
on Silver Shepherds.

It's a dating app for
gay Christian seniors.

Aw, good for you, Phil.

It warms my heart to
know you're out there

rustling up some hot shepherd tail.

Well, we haven't actually met in person.

We just chat on the phone.

Oh, so just a little phone sex?

You better walk that dirty mind back.

Maybe a little.

Phil!

You do not give thousands
of dollars to a guy

you've only talked to on the phone.

You could be getting catfished.

Well, that can't be bad...
that's my favorite fish.

No, man, "catfished"
is when a con artist

pretends to be somebody
else to take advantage

of a nice, innocent person like you.

Carter's right. He might've sold
those hearing aids for cash.

Henry wouldn't do that.

See, that's what I'm saying.

Henry might not be Henry.

He could be a -year-old gamer
living in his mama's basement.

Oh, it's a shame to lose
your hearing that young.

- Bye.
- Bye-bye. Randi?

Randi, Randi, Randi, that
woman wants to adopt Nelly.

Really? Nelly's been
here since we opened.

I thought she was a lifer.

Oh, not me. I always knew

someone would see how special she is.

I write "Nelly gets adopted"

and put it in my wish jar every night.

Okay, but did you tell them
that she's blind in one eye

and she walks into walls?

I did.

Hey, Kat.

Hey.

Do you want these in the back?

Um, no, Steve, that's okay, you
can just leave them right here.

You know, uh, I was
just reading on Reddit

how coffee beans can be toxic to cats.

(CHUCKLES) Yes, Steve, I opened
a cat café, so I knew that.

Did you also know that I've been wanting

to ask you out on a date for a while?

I mean, that's actually
why I have a coffee safe...

so I can keep the beans
away from the cats.

Did you not hear him, Grandma?

He just asked you out.

- What happened now?
- Uh...

maybe like dinner this
weekend or something?

Did you know that the word dinner

comes from the old French word disner,

which actually means breakfast?

- Girl, if you don't just say yes.
- Okay, yes.

Yes. Um, this weekend.

- That would be lover-ly.
- Great.

Uh, I got your number here, so, uh...

I'll call you.

Well, well, well.

My insemination options
are stacking up nicely.

(PHONE RINGS)

Unknown caller, ooh.

Hey, Steve, aren't you a little
eager beaver with the Kat fever?

- Hey, it's Dr. Marshall.
- Oh, sorry.

Uh, yeah, hi, Dr. Marshall, this is she.

It's my doctor with the test
results... Randi, hold me.

(MARSHALL SPEAKING
INDISTINCTLY ON PHONE)

Boundaries, Wyatt.

"Somewhat viable."

She said I was "somewhat viable."

I was hoping for a "Go for
it!" Or "Nope, too late."

Or "Hey, want to grab a glass of
white zin and talk about boys?"

But, no, I got "somewhat viable."

I once ate some oysters
that were somewhat viable.

I ended up in the ER.

They had to cut my jeans off.

Well, Kat, what does your
doctor think you should do?

She said it's my decision
and there are no guarantees.

So as far as my friendship with
her goes, I'm less enamored.

Well, why don't you make
a pros and cons list?

That's how I decided whether
or not to tell Daniel

I did not care for his night kimono.

I decided not to, and
that was a big mistake,

because then he gave me a matching one.

And now we look like back-up singers.

Okay, uh, pros and cons list.

That's a good idea. Uh, okay.

Uh, first of all, I'd have to
give myself hormone sh*ts.

(ALL GROAN)

Okay, that sounds like a con.

I can help you with the hormone sh*ts.

Ooh, more quality time with Phil.

That's a pro.

I used to give Mama her insulin.

I'd grab her by the neck
fat to distract her,

and then sh**t her in the belly!

Okay, so maybe a wash on that one.

Look, I can't think of anything
cuter and weirder

than having a tiny,
little you running around.

I know. Pro, pro, pro.

But freezing your eggs is expensive.

I know. Con, con, con.

It's, like, $ , for
one retrieval attempt.

Reminds me of those arcade
claw games that I never win.

Like, get the egg,
get the egg, get the...

Aw, you got the fuzzy dice.

If you want a kid that bad, take mine.

CJ's been riding my ass all
week about getting a tattoo.

Of what you ask?
His video game controller.

You know what that looks
like when it's sketched out?

A penis with buttons.

That's funny, I wanted a tattoo
of a penis with buttons,

but it looked too much like
a video game controller.

(MEN CHEERING, CLAMORING)

Sorry, it's just, this conversation
makes me uncomfortable.

Oh, 'cause you don't like
discussing female problems?

No, because I'm your friend

and it just seems like
a really tough thing

to put your body through.

All right, new strategy.
Let's take a vote.

No voting... it's not
our decision to make.

Uh, I have a question.

Once they get 'em out of you,
where do they put 'em?

In a freezer somewhere,

and then every time the power goes out,

I'm gonna be all worried about them.

Like how when it goes out now,
I worry about my popsicles.

But these are not popsicles,
they're people-sicles.

Hey, Carter, is my phone ready?

Yep, got the rest of your utilities
synced up on autopay.

You just keep making that
dough by baking that dough,

and you're good to go, bro.

Thanks for looking out for me, Carter.

Although I'm gonna miss Bonnie,
my favorite teller at the bank.

She has the most beautiful,
long fingernails.

I've seen her scratch off

five lottery tickets at the same time.

Well, speaking of looking out for you,

your boyfriend Henry texted
while I had your phone.

Now, don't freak out, but I took
the liberty of texting him back

and asking him to meet you here tonight.

- You did what?
- Look, I know, but I can't just let you

keep handing out money to a
guy you don't know exists.

This way, if a little old guy with a
couple of hearing aids shows up,

I'll text you, you come by and say hi.

But I'm not ready to say hi!

Then I'll say you went to
a funeral or something.

But if nobody shows up,

I'm calling the cops,
we gonna find that catfish,

get your money back,
and throw his ass in jail.

Okay.

_

BOTH (SINGSONGY): Knock, knock.

You know, people usually
knock before they enter.

What if I had a gentleman caller?

We took our chances.

Is there a reason you're here?

Yes, because I can't
believe that my Kitty Kats

is gonna have kittens!

Mother, I told you not to say anything.

I don't even know what I'm gonna do yet.

I couldn't help it, we were
getting a couples massage.

How can I not tell her?

The daughter she always wanted.

I have a present.

My favorite maternity clothes.

I have been saving them
for just such an occasion.

All right, slow down,
you're putting the clothes

before the horse.

There's a lot of unknowns here.

I don't even know if I want to do it

and I don't even know if
it's gonna be successful

if I do try and do it.

Don't be such a Gloomy Gus.

I feel it in my gut

that this process is gonna
bring me a grandchild.

Yeah, but it's in my gut
that it needs to happen.

And it's an awful lot of
money for a big gamble.

Oh, don't worry about
the money. I'll help you.

Well, that's interesting
since you didn't help me

when the café needed a new generator.

Can I push a generator on a swing

or get it into beauty pageants?

No, but it can keep your lights
on during a power outage.

Can a baby do that?

(CHUCKLES) Baby's sounding
pretty useless right now, huh?

(GASPS) This was my favorite

when I was pregnant with Hailey.

You know, if I had all the
options available today,

you'd have a brother or sister.

Wait, you told me you didn't
want to have more kids

because being pregnant
gave you back acne.

No. You were too young
to get the whole story.

We just couldn't get pregnant.
I'd given up on having kids at all

when we finally found
out you were on the way.

Then, when I had you,

oh, I felt my life's
purpose was fulfilled.

You look so cute, Sheila.

Please, she looks like she should be

in the Guinness Book of World Records.

Can you believe that
Carter used my phone

to contact Henry like that?

- It's my phone.
- Yes, that was pretty ballsy,

but I'm gonna have to take
Carter's side on this one.

That was a lot of money
that you gave a stranger,

and this online dating stuff
is a cesspool of deceit.

I know. I'm the biggest
turd in the pool.

I got to come clean.

Randi, I told Henry
that I'm six-foot-two

and used to model for Dillard's.

Wait. So that would
make you the catfisher.

Yes. But I can't tell Carter

because he thinks catfishers
should be in jail.

But you're a weird kind of catfisher.

You're giving money away.

That's like breaking
into someone's house

and leaving a TV.

I feel terrible.

Sweet Henry's gonna show
up hoping to meet me,

and I didn't even use my real picture.

Well, whose picture did you use?

Hello.

Well, aren't you a sight for sore eyes.

Here you go.

Uh, where the heck are you
going looking like that?

Well, I'm just trying
to figure this out.

My mother and Tara were talking
about how being pregnant

was such a magical time
and gave them purpose.

So I just thought that maybe
if I experienced life

as a pregnant woman for a little bit,

it might give me some clarity

about whether I ever
want to do this for real.

Okay, but this just puts
me in an awkward situation

about whether I should let you leave

or stage an intervention.

- Oh, congratulations.
- Thank you.

It's a very special time.

Let me get that for you.

Oh. Thanks so much.

It's my pleasure.

It is my pleasure to
be pleasured by you.

That came out wrong.

Oh, little line.

Oh, does anyone mind

if we let the pregnant
woman cut to the front?

(LAUGHING): Oh...

Strawberry on a sugar cone, please.

Do you mind if I guess?
I'm pretty good at this.

- My weight?
- Oh, no, no. Uh, the sex of the baby.

Oh. (LAUGHS) Right, yeah.

Um, guess away.

Uh, by the way you're carrying,
I would say it's a boy.

Nope, it's a girl.

I could have made him right,

but I decided to make him wrong.

I feel really powerful right now.

There you go.

I gave you an extra scoop
because you're eating for two.

Oh, thank you so much.
What do I owe you?

Oh, it's on the house.

(LAUGHING): Yum!

Oh, tastes better when it's free.

Oh, sorry.

Kat?

Steve. Hi.

Maybe he won't notice that I'm...

- Are you pregnant?
- He noticed.

(CHUCKLES NERVOUSLY)

Wait, you're really pregnant?

- It's a girl.
- Very helpful. Thank you.

But I just saw you at
your café yesterday

and you didn't look pregnant.

Uh, th-the reason that you didn't notice

is that I-I popped overnight.

Which, as a man, you may not
know it's an actual thing.

- It's a real thing.
- Don't you have ice cream to scoop?

Look, uh, I don't know that I'm ready

to go on a date with someone who's...

- (WHISPERING): I'm not pregnant.
- What?

I have to tell you something.

I'm sorry, I didn't want to say anything

in front of all those people,
but you can relax.

This is all a misunderstanding.
I'm not really pregnant.

You look really pregnant.

I'm just doing an experiment.

A little personal, social experiment.

Okay, full disclosure,

I'm thinking about freezing my eggs

because I might want to
get pregnant someday,

but I'm not quite sure.

I could also adopt.
I'm super pro-adoption.

Maybe things will work out between us

and we'll do things
the old-fashioned way.

Or not. No, but seriously,

it's just a pillow under there...
go ahead, pinch it.

I'm not pinching your baby.

Then put your hand up my shirt.

Um, that's more of an after-date thing.

Steve, it's just a pillow
from my couch. Here.

Hold this.

Look. See? I don't feel anything.

Oh. Okay, fine.

Say "push."

- Push.
- (MOCK SCREAMING)

See?

Pillow baby!

Easy birth. Hey, I can drink again.

(LAUGHING)

"Wah!" Ooh.

(CHUCKLING): Burp the baby.

What the hell, Phil?

Here I was, worried about you,

only to find out that
you stole Max's identity.

I'm sorry, Max.

But in my defense...

I never thought you'd find out.

- Well, I found out.
- He had to break up

with an old man wearing hearing aids.

Do you know how many times
Max had to repeat hisself?

Everybody at the bar
had a tear in their eye.

I pulled out some of my
go-to breakup phrases.

"The timing's off."
"You deserve better."

"I think I'm just scared
of being happy."

And then, ultimately, "I'm not Phil!"

I'm sorry I put you in that position,

but I have never online-dated before,

and I didn't think anybody'd
pay any attention

if they saw the real me.

Well, someday, Phil, you're gonna
have to start seeing yourself

the way everyone else does.

You know what? Repeat after me.

I am Phil Crumpler,
and I am hot as hell!

I'm not gonna say that.

Okay, then try this: I am Phil Crumpler,

and I make the most delicious
pies and tell great stories.

And I am cute as a button.

(CHANTING): Say it! Say it!

RANDI, MAX AND CARTER:
Say it! Say it! Say it! Say it!

- Say it!
- I'm Phil Crumpler,

and I'm hot as hell!

(CHEERING)

Oh, I'm getting my mojo back.

Do you think I should text Henry?

Yeah, I think he'd like that.

When I walked him to his car,

his lip was kind of trembling,
so I gave him a hug.

And then he grabbed a cheek.

Well, turns out lying is a bad idea.

See?

♪ ♪

You know, I can see how
giving birth to a throw pillow

on the sidewalk in front
of a group of onlookers

might be a little bit nuts,

but I feel like I was driven
nuts trying to make a decision

that Steve will never even have to make.

So screw you, Steve.

Well, let's not be too hard on Steve.

Sounds like a lot of things
were coming at him at once.

(CHUCKLES): Yeah, screw you,
Max, for taking Steve's side.

You know, you guys have
all the time in the world

to make decisions about procreation.

You know who else has
all the time in the world?

Cats. They can have kittens
up until the day they die.

But not this Kat.

Hey, there's still kind
of a clock with guys.

I mean, I wouldn't want me and
my kid to both be in diapers

at the same time.

Wow.

Even in a diaper, he's still hot.

So, wait, do you want to have kids?

Mm, not really.

I mean, I love roughhousing
with my nieces and nephews,

and I loved teaching, but...

I don't like thinking
about my own future,

and worrying about someone else's

- might make my head explode.
- Hmm.

You'd be a fun dad, though.

Oh, I acknowledge that.

You'd be a fun mom.

Oh, I acknowledge that.

But you still have time
to change your mind.

I don't. This might be my last chance

to have biological children.

Which I may not even
want, or maybe I do, I...

There I go, Max, back
on the hamster wheel:

circular thoughts, circular thoughts.

What does your gut tell you?

My gut?

Tells me that I have no idea

what the rest of my
life's gonna look like,

much less what I'm gonna
want or need in a year.

I-I never thought I'd quit my
job and open a cat café.

I never thought I'd become
a One Direction fan

four years after they broke up.

They didn't actually break up.

- It's just a hiatus.
- They're in a hiatus.

Look, I may be turning soon, but...

I still feel like my future is
full of unknown possibilities.

Kat...

I may not know math like
you do, but I know this:

if freezing your eggs isn't
a hundred percent no,

it's a yes.

That's not really math
at all, but I like it.

(CHUCKLES)

And like you said, it's expensive,

it may not work...

but in the spirit of possibilities...

let that be one of them.

You voted.

You said you weren't gonna
vote, but you voted.

I just... I want for you
what you want for you.

I think that's what you want.

I think that is what I want.

I want possibilities.

Or what if I tell my mother
I'm freezing my eggs,

take her money, and we go on
a badass cruise to Alaska?

- I support that as well.
- Cheers.

Cheers.

♪ ♪

Phil?

Henry?

Well, aren't you a sight for sore eyes.

(LAUGHING): Oh, you're
gonna make me blush!

Sit down, handsome.

HENRY: Nice to meet you.

We call her Nelly, but you can
name her whatever you want.

I like Nelly.

She's an only child,
and this is her first pet,

so it's a big deal for her.

I get it.

Okay, now you get to flip the number.

_

Good job.

All right, well, take
good care of Nelly.

Here are all her eye patches.

She's probably gonna want to
sleep under the covers with you.

- (MEOWS)
- (SOBBING)

Sorry I'm crying, it's just
that she's one of my favorites

and... and I'm taking hormone sh*ts.

Oh. Her favorite song is
Nelly's "Hot in Herre."

Is it me, or is it really
getting hot in here?

All right, well, goodbye.

Goodbye to you, Nelly. Oh...

And goodbye to you.

♪ Whoo-ooh-ooh-ooh ♪

♪ We know how to work it
and we work it real good ♪

♪ Bright lights are shining,
they like the way we look ♪

♪ I ain't got no shoes
but got a whole lot of soul ♪

♪ Watch me now ♪

♪ Watch me now, whoo-ooh-ooh-ooh ♪

♪ Watch me, watch me now. ♪