05x23 - Cold Feet, Hot Body

[bunniefuu]

Wait, sorry. Ugh.

[SIGHS]

Carlton, the customers are complaining there ain't no bacon in the BLT's.

Well, where's the law that says the B has to stand for bacon?

Read the damn sign.

Bread, lettuce and tomato?

Well, we had to cut back somewhere.

Last month, our outlay exceeded our revenues.

But I don't expect you to understand that.

WOMAN: Ahem. Excuse me.

Can I ask you a question?

Excuse me, Carlton, but a beautiful woman wants to talk to me.

[MIMICS CARLTON] But I don't expect you to understand that.

How you doing? What can I do for you?

Well, heh, I'm doing this crossword puzzle and I'm kind of stuck.

What's a nine-letter word for incredible?

Oh, that's easy.

Will Smith. Heh.

Denise, a pleasure to meet you.

Hey.

[MIMICS BOGART] Of all the campus dames in all the campuses in all the world... why'd you have to walk into mine?

[LAUGHS]

Casablanca, right? I love Humphrey Bogart.

Yeah, yeah, dude is cool. He ain't no Shaft, though, you know?

Damn right. Damn right.

Whoa! Look at you.

You know, most women can't appreciate the subtle nuances of a fine Shaft film.

Yes, well, I'm not like most women.

You got that right.

What are you thinking right now?

WILL [THINKING]: You ain't wearing no bra.

So do you like the Pointer Sisters?

[SINGING "THE FRESH PRINCE OF BEL-AIR" THEME]

No, no. Oh, wait.

Don't talk to me about the Lakers. I'm a Sixers fan all the way.

Oh, get the...! Yeah.

I should be, I just moved here from Philly.

What? Wait, girl.

You are scaring me. I'm from Philly.

Get the...! Yeah.

Well, that explains the attraction.

Whoa, whoa, wait, wait, wait.

Let's put it to a little test here.

What you like, B-ball or football?

Round ball, of course.

Oh, okay. Convertibles or 4-by-4?

Nothing beats an off-road vehicle.

Oh, okay. Here's the one here.

Potatoes or Stove Top?

Potatoes.

Oh, girl.

Look at you, you are just like me.

Except, you know, a little softer and you smell better.

[CHUCKLES]

All right, all right, okay, now it's my turn to ask you a question.

Oh, bring it on, I ain't scared of you.

You ready? Uh-huh.

You wanna do something tonight?

I sure do.

Oh! Whoa! Whoa! Oh! Oh!

I am sorry. Uh...

Lis... I have what you might call a prior engagement.

Uh... Uh...

Oh, and plus, you gotta finish your crossword puzzle and everything anyway.

Well, just one left to go.

What's a six-letter word that comes at the end of the rhyme:

Miss me, miss me Now you gotta...

Kiss me. I'd love to.

[SCREAMS]

Carlton, being attracted to someone isn't a crime.

Isn't that right, Will? Why are you asking me?

I ain't never been never attracted to nobody in my whole life.

Will, I wasn't talking about you.

I'm seeing this guy and he's so beautiful.

He's got great eyes and a great chest.

Will you stop it?

I mean, is that all you women think about is eyes and chests and butts?

I wasn't thinking about his butt.

Hey, I am now.

Hey, Uncle Phil, what's up, man? Look, we need to talk.

Oh, we do?

Come on, Uncle Phil, look, you know I love Lisa.

I wanna be with her 24/7, you know?

Yeah, well, I'm with you so far.

But every once in a while... it's kind of like the Civil w*r.

You know, the North got everything under control... but every once in a while, it's a Southern uprising.

Oh, yeah, yeah.

Well, I understand, see, but you have to remember... that the North has right on its side... so you better be damn sure that it wins the w*r.

Uncle Phil, look, I'm trying, man... but I got the feeling that the South shall rise again.

And you know, I don't even know if it's fair to marry Lisa.

You know, during wartime. Oh, oh.

Will, look, you're always gonna find other women attractive.

It's how you handle it... that will determine whether your marriage is a success or a failure.

Oh, wait, don't get me wrong, Uncle Phil, once I say I do, I don't.

[CHUCKLES]

Oh, if it were only that simple.

Son, observe and learn.

Now, you're walking down Rodeo Drive.

You be Vivi.

Okay.

[IN HIGH-PITCHED VOICE] Oh, come on, pudding, jeez... you pushing me all off the sidewalk. Oh, for God's sake, Will.

Would you please be my wife?

Now, okay?

Now, we're walking.

[CHUCKLES]

We're walking.

Ooh...

Beautiful woman walks right on by. Looks just Diahann Carroll.

Ah...

Phillip.

What, Vivian? I was looking at that woman.

I mean, she's gorgeous, but she doesn't do a thing for me.

Baby, what is it that you have that she doesn't?

A mean left hook.

Oh, come on.

[IN NORMAL VOICE] I apologize.

I was just playing, Uncle Phil. You're right, I see your point.

Ain't that the truth.

But you don't push your luck because you're just a beginner.

If Toni Braxton walked by, you just put on your sunglasses.

Oh, man, I don't need none of that stuff. I got it completely under control.

I don't care if Toni girl goes galloping by on a white horse buck-naked, you know?

[MIMICS HORSE NEIGHING]

[CHUCKLES]

She better be traveling fast, though. Snatch her little butt down off there. Yeah.

Guess who?

Hey, hey.

How's it going? How you doing? Good to see you.

Hey, take those off, I can't see those sexy eyes.

Uh... It's a rare condition.

Day blindness. You know, they're really sensitive.

Wanna go to my place and turn off all the lights?

[CHUCKLES]

Hey.

Denise... listen, I gotta be straight with you.

I am really, really flattered. I mean, look at you, you're beautiful.

Look at those sexy dimples and those beautiful cheeks.

And then there's your face.

What's the problem?

Well, I sort of have this, uh, fiancée.

So who's the lucky lady?

Her name is Lisa, but listen, I'm the lucky one. I mean, she's great.

She's beautiful, she's brilliant and she got a 4.0 in biology.

Sounds like you really love her.

Oh, yeah, I love her. Of course I do. I have to. We're engaged.

Well, I can't say I'm not disappointed.

Look, Denise... believe me, if this was one year ago, girl, I would be all over you.

You know what I'm saying? All over you. You hear that?

Yeah, I know, only too well.

Hey, baby. I was just talking!

To who?

Uh...

To myself.

Yeah.

You know, I do that sometimes. Don't you?

[LAUGHS]

Yeah, yeah, you do. You do.

I was just talking.

Baby, I wanted to talk to you about a shower.

Oh, I've thought about that, but it probably won't help.

I meant a wedding shower.

Some of my sorority sisters wanna throw one for us this Saturday at the Hyatt.

Excuse me, but I couldn't help overhearing from where I was eavesdropping... but why pay hotel prices when you could have the party at our house for free?

Ah. Heh. Hey, that's decent, C.

And I can get you a great deal on the mandatory catering.

Hey, people are talking about our peacock pupu platter.

People are talking about you too, but that don't mean they want you at their party.

I make a tuna pâté to die for.

Or from. Hey. Hey, hey, hold up a second there, Chef-Boy-Are-You-Short.

Okay, see you later, babe.

Excuse me, do you know where the administration building is?

I'm new here and the campus is so confusing.

This whole city is confusing. I remember when I first moved here from Cleveland...

You're from Cleveland?

So am I.

You're kidding.

Lisa. Denise.

Gosh, I'll walk you right over. Come on. Great.

[CARTOON PLAYING ON TV]

Oh, look out, Yogi.

[CHUCKLES]

Kevin, could we turn this off a while and talk?

Okay.

[SIGHS]

Hey, you wanna see my Boo Boo?

Oh, did you hurt yourself? No, my Boo Boo.

[MIMICS BOO-BOO] "Yogi...

I don't think the ranger's gonna like that."

Are you thirsty?

Yeah, sometimes.

No, Kevin, I mean...

Come on.

Will, Lisa, this is Kevin.

Oh, hey. Kev, what's up, man?

I don't know.

Hey, you're not exactly splitting atoms either, okay?

Baby, will you get the brown sugar, please?

Oh, sure thing, sweetheart. Whoa.

Whoa! Baby.

[BOTH LAUGH]

Oh, hey, Uncle Phil, what's up, man?

You know, I cannot thank you enough for the, uh, little history lesson.

Oh. Oh, so there was a test?

Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah.

I admit, I peeked over a couple of shoulders and I liked what I saw... but I did not cheat. Ah...

Good for you, son.

All right.

I thought you took all your tests.

Oh, uh, it was an unexpected oral exam. Yeah.

But you know what, baby?

I passed and it's out of my life forever, so let's have a beautiful night.

Oh. Mwah.

[CLEARS THROAT]

Surprise.

[SCREAMS]

[SINGS] I feel good

[HUMS]

Oh, Denise, I'm so happy you could make it.

Everyone, this is my new friend, Denise. Hi.

This is Hilary, Ashley, Kevin, and this is Carlton.

Miss me, miss me Now you gotta...

Nice seeing you again, Denise.

And, of course, there's someone I really want you to meet, this is my fiancé, Will.

Isn't he cute? Cute? That's an understatement.

He's gorgeous.

[LAUGHS]

Me? Ha. No.

Gorgeous, no. Man, I'm not.

I got big ears and I got a big high butt, you know?

Modest too.

What a catch.

Oh, yeah. That's right, Lisa caught me.

Yeah, I'm too big to throw back, though, ain't I, baby?

[CHUCKLES]

Can I help with something?

Oh, Denise, you're so sweet.

You can actually put those strawberries in a bowl...

I'll help Geoffrey put this platter out.

Hey, baby. Hey, babe. Baby. Baby, I'll help him.

Oh, no, baby, stay and give Denise a hand.

No, no, no, I should keep my hands to myself.

Oh, come on, Will, I don't bite.

Unless, of course, you want me to.

Hey. Girl, stop it.

My fiancée is right in the other room. Mm.

That's what makes it so exciting.

Girl, you're like a black Heather Locklear, ain't you?

Oh, what wonderful gifts. Ha-ha.

Keep the receipts.

Oh, thank you, everybody.

Oh, Denise, thank you so much for coming.

Thanks for having me.

Listen, I hate to ask, but my ride only dropped me off so I'm kind of stuck.

You don't suppose...

I could give you a ride home, it's just that I need to stay and help clean up. Will.

[GRUNTS]

What the hell are you doing? Shh!

Nothing, you know, just suddenly got a little hot in here.

Brother looking for a little shade.

Will...

Denise needs a ride home.

Yeah, baby. No.

Hey, well, that's okay.

I can walk, it's only 11 miles.

WILL: Wait, wait.

We ain't gonna let you walk no 11 miles.

Baby, where's Nicky's skateboard?

Oh, all right. All right.

I'll do you. It! It! I'll do it.

I mean, I'll give you a ride.

Oh, no.

No, come on.

Well, safe as Carlton's back seat.

Will... please.

Hey. Hey, look, we are only four floors up.

I ain't got no problem doing a Wesley Snipes out this window.

Lisa's so sweet and so trusting.

I can't believe that I came on to you.

Yeah.

Bad Denise. Bad Denise.

You think I don't know that?

I feel like such a fool.

[SOBBING]

Hey. Come on, come on, don't cry.

No, no, I can't help it.

Wouldn't you cry if you threw yourself at someone and they didn't even care?

Well, only if I missed and hit the wall.

[CHUCKLES]

[MUTTERS]

Go on. Go home, Will. I'll be fine, really.

Okey-dokey, cozy.

Ohhh...

[SOBBING]

Come on. Come...

I mean, hey, it's not like anything happened, you know?

Oh, Will.

Hey.

Uh...

Hey, don't be so hard on yourself.

No.

I mean, come on.

And besides, hey, you couldn't help it, you know?

I mean, I am fine, you know?

You certainly are.

[WILL GRUNTING]

WILL: Get off. Get...

Get off. Oh...

[LAUGHS]

Oh. I don't believe I fell for that.

I invented that.

Well, then... you know what comes next.

You better stop playing.

[CHUCKLES] Oh.

You think that, you know, I'm gonna just do whatever you want... just because you got soft, milk-chocolatey skin.

What is that, satin?

Silk.

Mm.

Doesn't that feel good?

Oh, yeah, I've always liked silk.

No, I mean us.

I knew I could make you forget about your fiancée.

Hey, whoa, wait a minute.

Ain't nobody making me forget about my fiancée.

I love Lucy.

That ain't it, is it?

It's Lisa.

That's right. That's right.

Uh... Will, just relax.

Don't fight it. Just do what feels right.

Okay.

Bye, Denise.

I love that girl too much.

I am not going out like that.

You mean to tell me I had no effect on you at all?

None at all.

[WILL SCOFFS]

Um...

Uh, I think I must have dropped my keys when you att*cked me. Could you see...?

Thank you.

[SCOFFS]

Keep the car.

[EXHALES]

Lisa, baby...

Look, Lisa, something happened between me and Denise... but, baby, I swear to you that nothing like this will ever happen again.

Baby, you got to believe me.

I love you.

I want you to be my wife.

Wait, G, G.

Hold it.

Listen. Um, ahem.

I need to talk to you.

I kind of betrayed Lisa's trust.

And I don't know what to do.

Might I venture an opinion, young sir?

You and Miss Lisa are about to embark on a lifelong journey together... and you cannot hope to remain on course... unless honesty is your North Star.

Wow.

You know, that's deep, G.

Hey, where'd you get that? Popeye.

Oh, dude got skills.

Hey, G, you know what?

You are right, man.

I'm gonna tell Lisa, from now on, the truth, the whole truth... and nothing but the truth.

Good luck.

Hey, baby. Hey.

What did you need to talk about that was so important?

Look, Lisa...

All right, baby, listen.

I love you.

Oh... Will.

[LISA CHUCKLES THEN MOANS]

Like, I'm gonna listen to Geoffrey. When's the last time you seen him with a woman?