05x25 - For Whom the Wedding Bells Toll

[bunniefuu]

GEOFFREY: Mr. Frederick Wilkes requests the honor of your presence... at the marriage of his daughter Lisa to Mr. William Smith... on Saturday, the 20th day of May at 11:00.

Whoo-hoo! Check it out. Two days before the wedding and we already got gifts.

I got to marry Lisa more often.

Wow, this is just like Christmas. Well, ho, ho, ho.

Oh, man.

[GLASS SHATTERING]

What do you think was in that one?

Something that has to be returned.

Oh, lookie here, lookie here.

All these cute little money-sized envelopes.

[LAUGHS]

Oh, oh. Boom-ba-yah!

[LAUGHS]

Whoo! My favorite wedding guest. Ben Franklin.

Oh, excuse me, Ben. Allow me to show you to your seat.

HILARY: The wedding's in 48 hours... so I need your final decision on the centerpiece.

Sweetheart roses or baby tulips?

Roses. Tulips.

Tulips. Roses.

Can't you two ever agree on anything?

We can always agree on...

Oh, rent a room.

So did pops-in-law settle in yet?

Yes, he did.

Baby, do you think that my dad is gonna get along with your mom?

I don't know. Can he take a punch?

[WILL LAUGHS]

I'm kidding, I'm kidding. No, seriously, can he?

That's cool, baby. Come here, come here.

Get off of me, woman!

Come on. What would your daddy say?

He'd say, you ain't fooling nobody.

LISA: Hey, Daddy. Hey, baby.

What's up? How was your flight from Cleveland?

It was terrible. I got stuck next to this battleaxe... who kept trying to steal my blanket when I fell asleep.

Oh, man, I know how you feel. Lisa do that to me all the time.

Man, just last night, we...

Did you hear that?

Just... In the other room. Did you...?

You wait here. We gonna go and check. Yeah.

LISA: Baby.

What are you doing?

Oh, I'm just practicing for the honeymoon night.

Yo, bellhop! If the room be bopping, don't you be knocking.

Surprise.

Hey, Ma.

Baby. How you doing? What are you doing here already?

She wanted to come a day early to surprise you.

But my flight was a disaster.

When I changed planes in Cleveland... they sat me next to this loudmouth chunky butt... who fell asleep on my shoulder.

Then when I tried to move him, he had the nerve to call me a battleaxe... and say I stole his blanket.

You! You!

Hey, hey. Chunky butt, meet battleaxe. Battleaxe, chunky butt.

I don't care what you say, Hilary. I am not wearing... this disgusting bridesmaid's dress.

Oh, but, Ashley, you look adorable. Right, Will?

Oh, yeah.

You look like a chocolate-flavored Pepto-Bismol.

That settles it. I am not wearing this dress unless I can have a matching bag.

No problem. To put over my head.

Ashley!

Okay. Come on, Ike and Tina, let's go.

All right. Now, listen. You guys go ahead to the restaurant... you hold the table. Lisa and I will catch up in a minute.

And, Mom, could you try to be nice?

I always am, dear.

Okay, tubby, tuck in your gut, we're going downtown.

In Philly, "tubby" mean cute bald man.

Just don't be late. You might find her face-down in the crab cake.

I don't know what he's complaining about.

I like my women scrappy.

G, check this out. Me and Lisa ain't even going to the restaurant.

If we leave them there by themselves... they'll have to work out their differences.

Sounds like a plan, right? FRED: Will you wait till I get in the car?

[CAR ROARS OFF]

I didn't say it was a good plan.

Greetings, my brother. Yo, what up, J?

BOTH: Pssh.

What's up, man?

Just doing a little packing here for my honeymoon.

Oh, J, J.

Daywear.

Night wear.

[LAUGHS]

Oh, man. You took your gold tooth out. What's the occasion?

The wife and I are split up. Inconsolable differences.

Oh, Jazz.

I'm sorry, man. What happened?

Marriage, my brother. The minute the ring went on, the mask came off.

And so did the weave.

I realized I married a perfect stranger.

And tomorrow it'll happen to you too.

Oh, no, man, trust. I know the woman I'm about to marry.

That's what I thought. Soon after, I realized I didn't know Hortense at all.

Hortense?

Jazz, I thought her name was Jewel.

Just one of her many lies.

Man, I found out she slept with every guy in my building.

She had sex with all of them?

She did?

Man, it just gets worse and worse.

Jazz, I'm real sorry about you and Hortense... but trust me, I know my woman.

Better than I know the back of my own hand.

What the hell is that?

Hi. See? I knew she was gonna say that.

Hi, Jazz. Well... we haven't heard from our folks. They must be getting along.

Or one of them's dead and one of them's a fugitive.

Well, I gotta run.

Hortense took the car in the settlement.

At least she ain't got no weave.

What was that all about? Nothing. Jazz just messing with me.

Talking about I don't know my baby. Like how much you love sweet potato pie.

Baby, I hate sweet potato pie.

You playing, right, girl? You so silly.

No, next you gonna be telling me you ain't love Shaft in Africa.

I don't.

You sat through it like nine times.

For you, baby. But personally, I think the guy's a lowlife slug... whose whole sexual identity is an extension of his big, stupid g*n.

Anything else?

I think he's gay. Ah!

Ah!

Will, what is wrong with you?

One more thing.

Your name is Lisa, isn't it?

Well, it is now. I just couldn't go through life... hearing people say, "Hey, Beula."

Well, I'm gonna finish packing... and, baby, I'll see you at the altar.

Bye, Beula.

VY: Who is it?

Hey, Mom. I know it's late, but I really need to talk.

[SCREAMING]

Mamma, no!

Will.

[WILL SCREAMING]

VY: Will.

[SOBBING]

You, him, here.

I need a moment.

I'm an adult.

I can handle this.

I'm okay.

Mamma, no!

Will, will you keep it down?

I'm not ready to talk to you yet, young man.

What happened? I heard screaming.

What's this, a pajama party?

Hey, scooch over.

What is going on?

Ew.

Hey.

Okay, that's it. Everybody out. Everybody out.

PHIL: Move it, Ashley. Right now. Everybody. Come on.

Okay, Mom, I just wanna say... that I am hurt. And I don't think... that mothers are supposed to do what...

Oh, my God, I just got a mental picture!

Get out! Get out!

VY: Good morning, baby. Listen, Mom, about last night...

I know, sweetheart. And I hope I didn't spoil your wedding day.

No, Mom, that's what I wanna talk to you about.

We gonna be moving to the church.

You're right. You know, I need to find my earrings.

Oh, I know where they are, baby, You left them on top of my...

Maya Angelou's book of poetry. Come on, I'll show you where they are.

Y'all, don't miss the wedding.

Look, Aunt Viv, you got a second?

I really... Oh, Nicky!

Lord, come on. I gotta go upstairs and get you straightened up. Come on.

All right, Uncle Phil, I need to talk to somebody!

I'm listening. All right, maybe later.

I said I was listening. But I got a million things to do, so hurry.

Okay, okay, cool.

Remember when you said we was too young to get married?

When I told you mind your business, I know what I'm doing?

You remember how wrong I always am?

Will, I know you're nervous.

It's perfectly normal. Every man gets cold feet.

It's coded in our DNA.

I'll tell you what you do. You're gonna be fine.

Go in there, say I do, be done with it. Feel better?

Well... Good. Okay.

Posse out, let's go.

HILARY: Daddy, I need your checkbook.

WILL: Hey, Nick, you got a second, man?

This wedding stuff is really stressing me out.

Tell me about it. I've got to balance a ring on a stupid pillow.

Hey, you wanna talk about it? No.

[CHURCH BELLS RINGING]

Oh, Lisa. This dress looks almost as beautiful on you as it would on me.

Thanks, Hilary.

I need to talk to my wife.

Well, to be. Her.

Forget it, Will. You can't see her before the wedding. It's bad luck.

Well, I'll risk it. It's important.

Well, make it fast. If I start to frizz, you're a dead man.

Congratulations!

Baby. Baby?

Oh, hey, hey. Will, what's wrong?

You know, this is really hard without looking at you.

Hey, hey, girl! This ain't no time to be getting freaky.

Will, I was trying to hold your hand.

Oh, yeah? Well, that wasn't it.

Babe, listen...

I've been kind of, you know, having doubts.

What kind of doubts, Will?

Just tiny little nagging, constant doubts... in the pit of my stomach, you know?

It's like, we so different.

I mean, look, it's just that you seem so sure of yourself, you know?

And so sure about us. And I'm scared.

I guess this, like, ain't the best time to be telling you this.

No, no, baby, I'm really happy that you did because...

I've been scared too. Really?

I thought I was alone in this. Why you ain't tell me, girl?

I don't know. I guess for the same reasons you didn't tell me.

I can't tell you how good it feels to know I can tell you anything.

Now I know we gonna be all right. Yeah.

I love you, baby.

[ORGAN MUSIC PLAYING]

Well, this is it. It's all she wrote.

Last chance for gas.

Last train to Clarksville.

Last of the Mohicans.

You know, as hard as this is to believe, I'm gonna miss you.

[ORGAN MUSIC PLAYING]

[ORGAN PLAYING "BRIDAL MARCH"]

Dearly beloved, we are gathered here today... to join this man and this woman in holy matrimony.

Let us pray.

Dear heavenly father, we ask that as Will and Lisa commit their lives... to one another, you will strengthen and encourage them... and guide them in their day-to-day trials and triumphs of life.

In your name we pray. Amen.

ALL: Amen.

Now, if anyone can show just cause... why Will and Lisa should not be joined together... let them speak now or forever hold their peace.

William, do you take Beula Lisa Wilkes... to be your lawfully wedded wife?

Yes, I...

Whoo! do.

But I don't.

[CROWD MURMURING]

Will, I'm sorry, but I think if we both have doubts about this whole thing...

Wait, wait, no, had. We had doubts.

Remember, babe? We talked about it. We both feel better.

No, baby, you feel better. But I think we're making a really big mistake.

And if you think about it, you will too.

No. No, Lisa...

I really love you.

Will, I love you too, but I think our parents might be right.

I think maybe we just rushed into this thing too fast.

Well...

Well, I guess we shouldn't get married, then, should we?

Not today.

Hey, looks like we finally agree on something.

Yeah.

Lisa and I would like to thank you all for coming today... but ain't nobody gonna be jumping over no brooms in here.

Well, save it for that 50 pounds of shrimp swimming around on that damn ice swan.

Not so fast, Will.

Vy, I always thought... that a man only got one chance at happiness.

And then I met you.

We met at 10,000 feet in the air.

And I promise you, baby, if you marry me... neither of us will ever come down.

Vy... will you be my wife?

Yes, Fred, I will. All right.

If... If my son... will give me away. No. No, Mom, no.

Absolutely not. You said that me and Lisa were rushing too fast.

Y'all gotta take some time to think about this.

The boy's right. We should think about this.

Yeah. Did you think about it?

Yeah. Me too. Let's get married.

Wait.

Hold up. Wait a minute. Y'all need to take some more time.

Boy, I ain't got that much time. I'm getting old. Now move.

You're gonna need your bouquet.

VY: Oh, thank you, baby.

Rap on, Rev.

Dearly beloved, we are gathered here again today... to join this man and this woman in holy matrimony.

Let us pray.

Dear heavenly father...

I am not kidding. Irene told Jane that Debbie told Gail... that Will Smith did not get married.

I know! Isn't it great?

Girl, who said it doesn't pay to pray?

Oh, yes, it does. My prayers came true. Did he marry her?

I cannot believe he is back on the market.

I mean, you know, I'm sorry for the girl, but who cares?

He is so fine. Did you see him?

Oh, even in that tux he was looking good.

WILL: Wait, wait... No. No. Wait a... Wait a minute.

Wait a minute, now. This is... This is all just too soon.

Now, September, that's a different story.

Y'all come back, now, you hear?