07x02 - Archie's Brief Encounter: Part 2

[bunniefuu]

♪ Boy, the way
Glenn Miller played ♪

♪ Songs that made
the hit parade ♪

♪ Guys like us we had it made ♪

♪ Those were the days ♪

♪ And you knew
where you were then ♪

♪ Girls were girls
and men were men ♪

♪ Mister, we could use a man
like Herbert Hoover again ♪

♪ Didn't need no welfare state ♪

♪ Everybody pulled his weight ♪

♪ Gee, our old
LaSalle ran great ♪

♪ Those were the days ♪

Hey, you wouldn't believe

what them two dummies
was talkin' about over here.

What?

Well, they were sayin' that
because you and me kid around a lot,

and you take good care
of me when I come in here,

that you and me...
Well, you know.

What?

Well, no... no, I
ain't got the time.

Well, uh...

In case you ever
have the time...

Here's my number.

- Excuse me.
- Oops.

Who the hell is that?

Uh... uh... who...
uh, who is it?

The beer from Kelsey's.

- Oh!
- Kelsey's... my God.

Oh, come on in. I'll
get you the money.

Ah, good evenin', Mr. Bunker.

Uh, good evenin'.
Nice evenin', huh?

Yeah, but it looks like it's
nicer for you than for me.

Whaddya mean by that?

Well, I'm workin'. I don't
know what you're doing.

Listen, kid, come here.

I wanna talk to ya.
What's your name again?

My name is Carlos.

I don't want to read
about this here event

on the walls of Kelsey's toilet.

Not even in Spanish, capice?

Sure, sure, I
understand, Mr. Bunker.

Big deal. Who
cares? I don't care.

Nobody cares no
more... Why should you?

Listen, have yourself a ball!

Know what I mean?

Here's the...

Oh, where'd he
go? He didn't wait.

Uh... well, uh...

He took off 'cause I
paid him, uh... Denise.

- Oh, well, I...
- Uh, listen, listen...

I hope you ain't
gonna mind... this,

but, uh... I think
I'd better go home.

Well, I'm sorry, Archie.

No, no, no, don't be sorry.

You ain't got nothin'
to be sorry about.

You didn't drag me over here.

I got this certain surge
to come over, you know?

And now I got a surge
to get outta here, so...

I'm sorry you gotta
leave, Ar-Ar-Archie.

Did I do something wrong?

No, no. No, you didn't
do nothing wrong.

Maybe me, but not you.

So, uh...

Well, I'll, um... I'll
see you tomorrow?

Well, I'll tell ya, I don't
think that you and me

oughta see each other no more.

Not even at the coffee shop?

I think that from now on

we oughta be like
that old saying...

two sheeps that
passed in the night.

To show you just how good
a ventriloquist I really am,

I'm gonna drink
that glass of water

while she sings a song.

Ready? Go!

♪ I had a halfback
at California ♪

♪ I had a quarterback
at Yale as well ♪

♪ I corresponded with
an end and center ♪

♪ And the center at Cornell ♪

- Pfft!
- Oh, honey, I'm sorry.

- That's all right. That's okay.
- I'm sorry, sweetheart.

Oh, somebody's at the door.

Come on in! It's open!

Oh, why don't you come
in and see me sometime?

What did you say?

Hi, there, big mama. Do
you believe in the hereafter?

Oh, yeah.

Then what are ya here after?

Oh!

Oh, my.

You look just like Betty Grable.

What are you doin'?

I was doin' Mae West.

Oh.

Then why are you
dressed like Betty Grable?

Ma, we're rehearsing
for the faculty frolics.

I'm the ventriloquist...

Yeah, and I'm the dummy.

Which reminds
me... Where's Archie?

Oh.

I'd hoped you
knew. He ain't home.

I don't know where he is.

Well, I know where he isn't.

He's not at the philharmonic,

the opera, or a
B'nai B'rith meeting.

Ma, he's probably at Kelsey's.

Oh, yeah. Well, don't
let me interrupt you.

You go right on
bein' Betty Grable.

- Mae West, Mae West.
- Oh, Mae West.

Oh, can I watch?

I could be the audience.

Oh, sure, Ma. Go on,
sit down over there.

Oh, thank you.

I love a good show.

Okay. Are you ready?

Mm-hmm.

I had a date the other night

with a gorgeous redhead.

Oh! What did you do?

Well, I wined her,
and I dined her,

and then she invited
me up to her apartment.

Did you go?

Absolutely not.

And you call me the dummy.

Ma, that... that was
it. That was the joke.

Oh, ha ha ha ha ha!

Oh, that's good. It's very good.

No, it's the
pits. It's the pits.

Oh, no, Gloria, you
can do anything.

You remember when
you was a little girl,

we thought you was
the next Shirley Temple.

You could sing and dance.

Why, I remember when
you was three years old,

we put your hair
in curls like Shirley,

and I took you to a party,

and you got up and sang
"On The Good Ship Lollipop."

Oh, you were so adorable...

until you got a little seasick,

and you threw up
all over your father.

Would you mind if I went up

and took a little look at Joey?

- Oh, no, not at all, Ma.
- Oh, no, Ma, go.

I wonder if
Archie's at Kelsey's.

Why, are you worried about him?

Oh no, but when
I left the house,

he was a little upset.

I had to run over to
the Sunshine Home,

and he didn't like
that very much.

Oh, well, I'll call Kelsey's
and see if he's there.

Oh, no, no, don't do that.

If you call, he'll think
I'm checkin' up on him.

I'll call.

Ma, what's the
difference who calls?

You see, if Gloria calls,

he'll know I'm nervous,

'cause he'll know I had her call

so it won't look
like I'm nervous.

But if I call, he'll know I
wanna find out where he is,

and that's why I call.

I'm gettin' worried.

Why?

Ma's startin' to
make sense to me.

Oh, Mr. Kelsey?

Oh, hello, Harry.
This is Edith Bunker.

Oh, hi!

No, he ain't here.

Oh, that's all right.
Don't mention it.

Good-bye.

Who ain't here now? Me?

No.

Archie's old lady,
checkin' up on him.

Anyway, Harry, look... I'll admit
that Dempsey had a great punch,

but this Muhammad
Ali's a great showman.

I'd like to tell him
his poetry stinks.

Yeah?

And I'd like to be
there when you tell him.

Oh, hey, Arch!
Lucky you came in.

No... no... no time for stories.

Harry, gimme some change.

I gotta use the
phone right away.

- Aw, use this one.
- Oh, jeez, thanks a lot,
Harry.

- Yeah, but Arch, Listen...
- No, No, no...

Please don't... Lemme
make this call, will ya?

This is a very
important call here.

Please, you guys,
just dummy up there.

- Yeah, but Arch...
- Till I get through, huh?

Shh.

Hello?

Oh, hi there, Meathead.
Thank God it's you.

Now, listen, don't say
nothin' to Gloria about this.

Don't say nothin' to nobody. And
don't think nothin' about it yourself.

I'll tell you all
about it later on.

I want you to do me a favor.

Yeah, sure, what's the matter?

Now, step outside of the
house and cross the alley.

Run around my house, peak in the
windows, and see if Edith is there.

I don't have to do that, Arch.

What do you mean,
you don't have to do that?

You wouldn't do a favor for me?

After all I done for you?

Arch, I don't have to do
that because Ma's here.

She's upstairs.

You want me to call her down?

Oh, jeez! No, no, no, no!

That's exactly what I
don't want you to do.

Do not call her down.

Um...

Well, I... I don't
think I could do that.

Uh, I mean, that's one of the things
that I could not do at this moment.

What the hell are
you talkin' about?

Hi, Ma!

Oh, hi...

Oh, I think I get it. She's
in the room with ya, huh?

Hey, hey... listen. Now, listen...
uh... uh, was she askin' for me?

That's right.

It was a nice day today.

But why are you
calling at this hour

to talk about my plumbing?

Oh, I... I get it.

I get it. Okay, I
get it. Very good.

Now, don't spill
anything there, now.

Now... now keep... keep that
shifty look outta your eyes...

The way you get
when you're guilty

about something there, will ya?

'Cause I could almost
believe you got it on now.

And that silly grin, you know,

when you're tryin'
to lie about somethin'.

Just be cool there, will ya?

Don't tell her you
was talkin' to me.

And try to keep her
there as long as you can.

You understand me? Huh?

Say somethin', will ya?

Uh... um, yes... sorry,
Madam, um... but, uh...

What do you mean "Madam"? You're
supposed to be talkin' to a plumber!

Uh... yeah... I think it's
great that you women

are finally getting a chance

to make it into the
plumbing business.

Uh... uh... good-bye, there.

Hold... hold... hold it.

Hold it, hold it,
hold it, hold it!

What the hell am I
sayin' "hold it" to him for?

That Polack can only
hold a Kn*fe and fork.

Arch... Arch, I been
tryin' to tell you.

Your wife called
five minutes ago.

What do you mean,
tryin' to tell me?

Why didn't you tell me?

You wouldn't let me.

What did she want?

You.

What'd you tell her?

I told her you weren't here.

Why did you tell her that?

'Cause you weren't here!

Let me think let me think.

Uh... did she believe ya?

Arch, wives believe me when
I tell 'em lies for you guys...

Why wouldn't they believe
me when I tell 'em the truth?

Aw, jeez, I... I...

I'm in trouble. Gimme a drink.

One beer, comin' up.

Oh, no, no, I need somethin'
stronger than one beer.

How 'bout two beers?

Don't be a wise guy.

Gimme a little Fleischmann's
smooth over the ice there.

You told her I wasn't
here, Harry, huh?

Yeah.

Well, how did you tell her?

I said, "Mrs. Bunker,
he ain't here."

Then I'm in a jam.

What do you mean, Arch?

If Edith knows I
wasn't here tonight,

then where was I?

What's the trouble, Arch?

Yeah, what's the matter, Arch?

What was you up to tonight?

Foley, never mind that.

What was you up to tonight?

Well, I had a date with a dame,

she stood me up,
so I took in a flick.

What picture did you see?

I seen a double feature.
Hey, two scorchers, eh?

"Eight In A Waterbed" and
"Pinnocchio Meets the Happy Hooker."

And, uh...

I don't know, after that I just stopped
off for a pizza and I wound up here. Why?

I don't like what
you done tonight.

You done somethin' else.

You went bowlin'.

I did?

That's right. With me.

Okay, I went bowlin' with you.

Do you hear that, Harry, huh?

- Yeah, Arch.
- Well, give it back to me.

Joe went bowlin' with you.

That's right.

And if Joe went bowlin'
with me, it follies naturally

that I went bowlin' with him.

Huh? All right.

Now, you're gonna
back me up on this, see?

Lord, I'm gonna go to
church the rest of my life

if you leave me get away
with a few lies tonight.

Oh, sheesh.

Hey, uh, one of them lies got
lipstick on the handkerchief.

Huh?

Uh... uh, that ain't lipstick.

Uh... I had a little nosebleed
goin' up in an elevator.

Oh, you're beautiful, Arch.

You bleed raspberry.

Now, wait a minute.
Wait a minute.

Now, wait a minute, guys.

Now, let me tell you this...

And this is the truth!

No matter where I was tonight,

the sexual act was
never constipated.

What are you doin' now?

What Nixon shoulda
done to the tapes.

Don't step on the leaves.

Okay, let's hear it.

Oh, quit worryin', will ya?

I got it, I got it.

Will you please let
me hear it again?

All right, all right.

I called you down at
Kelsey's, and then...

No, no, no, jeez.

You didn't call me at Kelsey's.

You called me here.

Go ahead. Again.

All right.

I called you here,
at your house.

I told you to meet
me down at Kelsey's...

No, jeez!

No, no.

You called me
here and you told me

to meet you down
at the bowlin' alley.

I wasn't at Kelsey's. Edith
knows I wasn't at Kelsey's.

Aw, jeez, you're
gettin' me all mixed up.

Take it easy, take
it easy, will ya, Joe?

Just... just keep calm and cool.

You get in there, you tell
your story simple and quick,

you get a pain in the gut,
and you run like hell outta here.

All right, all right?

Uh... look, Arch.

I'll just say, "Archie
went bowlin'."

Yes.

"He didn't go
over to Denise's..."

I'm dead!

Listen, Archie, uh...
Look, on the level,

maybe I shouldn't go through
with this, you know what I mean?

I... I oughta b*at it.

You see, I, um...

Well, every time
I talk to women,

they always smell a rat.

I'm beginnin' to
smell one myself.

Hey, wait... wait a...
Just sit tight, will ya?

- Jeez.
- Where you goin'?

Over here. Gonna take a look.

Watch the leaves!

See that, all that
worryin' for nothin'.

The coast is clear.
She ain't even home.

Now, look, all you gotta
do is scoot in the door,

duck upstairs, hop in
bed... you're home free!

See?

Oh, uh... listen, Arch.

If you need a place
to sleep tonight,

you know where I live, huh?

Good luck, pal.
See you tomorrow.

Oh! Oh, you're home!

Yeah, yeah.

So am I.

Yeah, I see that, Edith.

Mmm!

You smell good. What's that?

Uh, that's a perfume, Edith.

Uh, I... I got that
on the subway.

A cross-eyed lady came and
sat down next to me, you know?

She opened her purse,
took out the perfume,

poofed it, give it to herself...

She got it all over me.

Oh.

Well, what did you
go on the subway for?

Uh... me and Joe Foley,

we took the subway to
Long Island City to bowl.

Well... well, you're
all dressed up.

This is your good
shirt from Disneyworld.

Well, it's their new
alleys there, Edith.

They call 'em the
"Society Lanes," you know?

A lot of classy people from the East
side of New York come over to bowl there,

so, uh... you know, so...

So, so much for
me, anyway, uh...

Well, how was your evening?

What about old man
Kleeger and his clackers?

Ooh, they fit fine.

They fit him perfect.

Why did you and Joe...

Did he, uh... did he ever

propose to old lady
what's-her-name?

Oh, yeah. Friedman, yeah.

Oh, it was so romantic.

They sat together on the sofa,

and he wanted to get on
his knees to pop the question.

So, I helped him get down.

And then, he asked
her to marry him.

Ah. Did she say yes to him?

Well, she kinda nodded her head,

so he thought that meant yes,

but what she really was
doin' was fallin' asleep.

Jeez, uh, I feel a little
like goin' to sleep myself,

you know, Edith?

Did you and Joe bowl good?

Oh, yeah, yeah, pretty good.

I started out the
evening with ,

and then, uh... I went
to the second game, ,

and I went up to the
third game with , Edith.

You don't believe me,
you can ask Joe Foley.

He knows where I was
and what I was doin'.

His number's in the
little black book there.

So, uh...

Yeah, I think I'll
go to bed, Edith.

Archie.

Where was you?

I told you where I was.

Really.

I'll level with ya, Edith.

I was playin'
poker with the guys.

And, uh, I lost bucks,

and knowin' the way
you feel about gamblin'...

See, I was... I was
ashamed to tell you.

Where was you?

Edith, now, just let
me say this to you.

That this whole evening is
gonna run a lot smoother...

if you just believe
everything I say

and then forget about it, now...

Come on, let's go to bed, huh?

No.

I ain't goin' to bed till
you tell me the truth.

Edith, I told you the truth.

What more am I
supposed to say to you?

Archie, I wanna
ask you a question.

What?

Whose phone number is this?

Well, I wouldn't know, Edith.

Is that my handwriti" on there?

Maybe I better
call and find out.

Well, do whatever you
wanna do, Edith. I don't care.

Wait a minute, uh...

Don't do that.

You left me alone again tonight.

And you're doin' a
lot of that lately, Edith.

So, here I was, alone,

and, uh, feelin' lonesome,
didn't know what to do,

so, uh...

I took a walk with myself,
to no place in particular.

I wound up over the other
side of Norton Boulevard, there,

and I'm walkin' along,

past this here apartment house,

and up comes a
person that I know.

And, uh... well, she's
a waitress, Edith,

and, uh...

uh, she works in
a joint where I eat

maybe once a month, you know?

So, uh...

Well, she's carryin' two
bags of groceries, you know?

And she says,
"Hello, Mr. Bunker."

And, uh, "Would you
mind helpin' me upstairs

with a bag of groceries?"

So, I says, "Oh, all right."

I grab a bag of groceries,

I went over to there, you know?

We put the groceries
down, and we're talkin' there,

and we're kiddin'
around a little bit,

and she asks if I'd
like a glass of wine,

so I had our tawny
port with me to...

No, uh... listen, Edith,

don't get yourself all upset,

because whatever happened there,

there was nothin' wrong.

I save all that wrong
for you, you know.

Now, Edith, just remember,

you married me for
better or for worse,

and up to now, it's
all been a "better,"

so here's a little of the
"worse" for you here.

Don't cry!

Don't make a big
thing outta nothin'!

Well, ain't it a big thing?

No, it ain't a big thing!
Why's it a big thing?

I mean, somebody go to an
apartment with some groceries there,

all you do is you talk and
you kid around a little bit,

you have a couple of glasses
of wine and a harmless kiss.

You kissed her?!

Aw, jeez.

Edith, what can I say to you

except to tell you the
God's-honest truth.

It... it didn't mean
nothin' at all.

Edith, can't you just
forgive and forget, huh?

I don't know.

I ain't had no experience
with this before.

Now, wait a minute,
don't... Well, don't walk away.

Let's talk about it, huh, Edith?

We can talk or we can...

What are you
takin' your coat for?

Now, why would
you leave the house?

Archie, the one thing

I could always count on was you.

Now, I can't count
on you no more.

Uh, hello?

Oh, hello, Gloria. How are you?

I'm fine.

Uh... well, no, your
mother ain't here.

Well, I don't know,
she's, uh... just, uh...

well... Gloria...

uh, to tell you the truth...

I... I... I think
your mother just...

run away from home.

♪♪