Jim, Jim, I got
a real problem.
I'm missing a lot of money
from my online bank account.
Hold on a second.
What was the name
of that Guinea pig
you had
when you were a kid?
Oh, butterscotch.
Like Princess di
and James Dean,
you left us too soon.
No.
So you think someone's
hacking into your account?
No, no, I'm very protective,
and I'm constantly
changing my passwords.
Yeah, I know you are.
Hey, how do you spell
your mother's maiden name?
G-h-a-f-a-r-r-y.
Bingo.
What do you mean?
Uh, you know, uh...
♪ Bingo was her name-o
dad, your delivery
from steak of the month club
came.
Bingo.
♪ And bingo was her steak-o
haven't you ever heard
that verse?
Jim, I would not
get into business
with the steak people.
Do you know
they charge me every month
for meat I don't get?
Hey, uh, listen, uh,
can you do me a favor?
I can't seem to find
that little -digit
security code
on the back
of my credit card.
Oh, it's that little number.
Here, I'll show you
on your card.
Well, uh, can you show me
on yours?
'Cause mine's in my pocket,
and I don't want to stand up.
Sure, best friend.
Let's see.
No, uh, uh, uh, not that one.
The gold card--
you know, the one
with the high limit.
High limit? No limit.
That's it.
Got it. Bingo!
Hmm?
♪ And bingo
was the number-o ♪
♪♪♪
Hey.
Hey. Ready to go?
Go where?
Did you forget?
Today's the day we volunteered
to build that new rec room
at the disabled children's
center.
Really? That doesn't
sound like me.
I signed us up.
No. You can sign you up.
Only I can sign me up.
And I haven't signed up
for anything
ever since that kid from Africa
came around here
looking for
his cents a day.
Oh, Jim, come on.
Volunteering is
the right thing to do.
For once in your life, can you
just take the high road?
How dare you, Cheryl?
I am totally offended
by that.
Name one time
you've done a good deed.
I've done it
dozens of times.
Oh.
Okay, you want--
you want one time?
Yeah, I do.
All right. You know what?
Here's one.
I am an organ donor.
Right here. There's a sticker
on my license.
Okay, okay, fine. Fine.
You'll do one good deed
when you're dead.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Yeah, you and the children
will enjoy a hefty chunk
of change from the state.
Jim, they don't pay you
for your organs.
Really?
No, they just put 'em
in somebody who needs 'em.
Well, forget it.
They didn't make that clear
at the d.M.V.
You see, you see, you see?
That is exactly the problem.
You can't make a high road
person out of a low road person.
Yeah, well, down here
in the low road,
we don't need
to feel good.
No, no,
we don't have to be nice
to people
that we don't like.
We're not afraid
to hurt people
or not report
all our income.
And I am not ashamed
to say
that this whole time
I've been talking,
I've been staring
at your boobs.
Okay, I'll tell you what.
If you come with me
to the children's center,
you can stare at them
all day.
How cold will it be there?
Fine.
For the children.
And this should cover
the cost
of all the stuff
I stole from you online.
Trust me.
It'll never happen again.
You're damn right it won't.
I will admit,
you did teach me a good lesson
about the dangers
of the Internet.
Andy, that's why I did it.
No, sir.
You won't catch this guy
banking online.
I do it all over the phone now
with a secret password.
Not a dime goes out
unless I say,
"Afghanistan-bananastan."
Very smart.
I know, right?
Jim, get in here!
What?
I just got a call
from Mrs. Kretzer
at the children's center.
Fine, I'll return
the wheelchair.
Jim.
I-i-I've never seen
that look on your face before.
What is it?
Pride.
Pride?
The center is very impressed
with the work you did
on the rec room.
Oh, honey, come on.
I was hanging drywall
with a blind kid
and a guy with one arm.
Of course
I'm gonna look good.
They're honoring you with
their star volunteer award.
They want
to give it to dad?
Yes.
Our dad?
Uh-huh.
This dad?
Yeah.
Me dad?
Yes!
Well, how about that?
Award accepted.
That's not
the end of it, is it?
Jim, there's
an awards dinner.
Oh, dinner.
Yeah.
With people?
And speeches and dancing.
Oh, Cheryl, you know what?
I'd love to go,
but unfortunately,
that night, I'm reading
to the blind.
And then the next night
I'm gonna be smelling
for the noseless.
Jim.
Really. Uh, we're doing, um,
"catcher in the rye"
and cinnamon.
You're going.
Yes, I am.
Yes, you are.
Jim came with a hammer,
and he left with our hearts.
He put up drywall,
but he didn't leave
a dry eye.
He spackled with a--
uh, can you wrap this up,
sweetie?
"Dancing with the stars"
is on in ten minutes.
It turns my wife on,
and I just want to be there
when that happens.
Very well.
Jim, thank you so much.
Yeah.
And please accept the center's
star volunteer award.
Thank you.
As well as this oversized check
for $ , .
I can't tell you
how much this means to me.
I only wish there were more
disabled children in the world
so I could help them all.
Well, look at that--
a thousand bucks!
You know what?
You know what?
I'm gonna have this framed
and hang it over our dresser.
Cheryl, take down
those pictures of the kids.
I have never been
so proud of you.
Oh, and you're
gonna be prouder of me
when you see how fast I burn
through that thousand bucks.
Andy, I am open
to suggestions, please.
Okay. Hey, hey, I saw online
where someone's selling
Vince lombardi's hat
from when the packers won
the first two super bowls.
Oh, the packers.
I hate them.
We'll buy it and burn it.
Perfect.
Jim.
What?
You have to give the money
back to the charity.
What?
What?
It's their money.
Uh, no, Cheryl.
"Jim."
"Pay to the order of Jimmy."
You're supposed
to give the money back.
All the honorees do.
It's understood.
By whom?
Everybody.
Everybody returns the money.
It's a given.
No, Cheryl.
This was "a given" to me,
and I ain't "a given" it back.
No.
Whoo! Scoreboard.
Thank you.
How can you,
in good conscience,
take $ ,
from a children's center?
I'm not taking it.
They gave it to me
for the reward of a lifetime
of doing good deeds.
What good deeds?
Cheryl, I told you,
I work with the noseless.
Wow.
After ten minutes
on the high road,
you took the first exit.
Why am I surprised?
Okay, let's get online
and get you that hat.
Forget it.
Why?
You know she's never
gonna let me do that.
God, why'd you marry her?
There. I finally said it.
You know what
Cheryl's problem is?
She's been on
the high road too long.
Yeah, up there
tossing her hair,
waving her hand
like miss America,
and giving her organs
away for free.
I've been sick of her
for years.
Say it, Jim.
You hate her.
I don't hate her.
I hate giving
this check back.
Then don't.
Cash the check.
You can't cash cardboard,
Andy.
But we will cash
the little check they gave me.
Now you're talking.
Yeah, take that,
little miss perfect.
No, no, no,
we'll cash the check,
and we're gonna take Cheryl
on a little trip.
In the trunk of your car?
No.
No, somewhere that's
particularly lovely
this time of year.
Epcot?
No.
Graceland?
No.
Dollywood?
Australia? Epcot?
No! Stop it.
We're gonna take her
for a trip...
On the low road.
You know,
there are a lot of places
to hide a body at epcot.
There she is.
Yes, what a surprise.
I'm in the kitchen.
You know what, Cheryl?
I realize that if there was
anyone in this house
that deserved a reward
for doing good, it is you.
Oh, honey, not now.
The kids are home
and my back is k*lling me.
No, Cheryl, although I like
where you're going with that.
No, I bought you a gift.
Oh, Jim, nothing you could
buy me would make me--
oh, my god.
Is that a Stephan Baton?
Well, look whose back
just got better.
How did you know
that every woman in the world
is dying to get their hands
on this purse?
I didn't. I asked Andy
which purse he liked.
Jim, a Stephan Baton
is not a purse.
It's a vessel
for a woman's soul.
No, honey, it is an overpriced,
very expensive status symbol.
But you know what?
You deserve it, Cheryl,
because you--you're good.
You're really good, honey.
You are.
Oh, no, no, I can't.
No, i--
n--
oh, is that
a cell phone case?
Elegant and functional.
Oh, no, no, no, no, no.
It's wrong. That money
belongs to charity.
You're right, Cheryl,
so I'm gonna just take this
back to the store right now.
Well... I could return
the bag tomorrow,
'cause... I've got
a p.T.A. Meeting tonight.
I mean, there's nothing wrong
with showing it off a little.
Oh, yeah, why not?
It's only one night.
One magical night.
One magical night with
hand-stitched Italian glory.
Come on, Stephan Baton.
We're gonna build
our outfit around you.
Yes, we are. Yes, we are.
Ah, Andy,
here on the low road tours,
we pride ourselves on
on-time departures.
You were right, Jim.
This was way better
than k*lling her.
Oh, I can't wait
to see Cheryl's face
when she has
to return that bag.
Because...
"It was the right thing to do."
I'll call mall security
and see if we can buy
the surveillance tape.
Ooh, great, great, great.
And if she's crying on it,
we'll put it on the Internet.
Then we'll make her watch it,
and she'll cry again!
You know, you got a lot
of unresolved anger issues
from your childhood.
You got a problem
with that, dad?
I mean, Jim.
Jim, the bag.
What the hell?
Hey, honey.
Couldn't do it.
Oh, couldn't do it, huh?
Well, I guess you can turn
a high road person
into a low road person.
Go ahead, Cheryl, say it.
Say what?
Say "I'm a low road person."
Oh, Jim.
Cheryl, say it!
"I'm a low road person.
I'm a low road gal."
Let me make her say it.
I've heard enough.
Settle down.
Okay, fine, fine.
I like it down here.
I feel a little dirty,
but I got hand sanitizer
in my new bag.
Well, Cheryl, I'm gonna make
this easy for you,
'cause I love you so much.
I'm gonna take the bag back,
return it,
and take the money
and give it to charity.
Yeah, here's the thing.
I'm keeping the bag.
What?
I'm keeping it.
I've done charity work
my whole life,
and I don't have a thing
to show for it.
Cheryl, that is not fair.
Well, Jim, down here
on the low road,
we don't play fair.
Cheryl, how--
I have spent years in this
marriage with you on my arm.
It's time for an upgrade.
Ooh! Scoreboard, Cheryl!
Whose side are you on?
The side of breezy banter.
Andy, we gotta get
that purse back.
Forget about it.
She's gonna take that thing
everywhere she goes.
Yes, yes, but I got news
for blondie.
There's a road even lower
than the low road--
the Jim road.
Not your best effort.
Highway Jim ?
Attaboy!
Yeah!
Jim!
I know it's you!
I bought you that shirt!
Look, I just want
to return the purse.
And I've told you
we can't accept returns
on a bag that's been used.
It hasn't been used.
You see, I-I gave it
to my wife and...
Poor thing passed away.
Thank god
she was an organ donor.
I mean, that way, you know,
I'm covered financially.
So as she d*ed,
she opened the bag
and put in
lip balm, almonds,
pictures of kids?
Oh, no, no,
that came with the bag.
You're in the pictures.
I'm a model.
Right.
No, I've been modeling
for years.
One minute, sir.
Andy, Andy, you're supposed
to be looking out for Cheryl.
Sure, sure.
Um, just a heads up, though,
my chest is kinda tight.
What is your problem?
We stopped running
two hours ago,
the car was parked
around the corner,
and you took a shower.
Yeah, but the mall
escalator was out.
Andy, you gotta
keep an eye on--
there he is. There he is. There
is the man who stole my bag.
She's coming.
Let me--
step away from the bag, sir.
No, no, officer,
you have to understand,
that bag is mine.
I have the receipt.
The receipt was in the bag
when he stole it. It's mine.
Uh, officer, um,
do you know c.P.R.?
Andy, not now.
This is a crisis.
Listen, officer.
Let me explain, all right?
You see, I won an award,
and I wanted to burn
Vince lombardi's hat.
But instead,
I bought her a purse
and gave it to her
so she couldn't keep it.
I'm trying to teach my wife
a lesson.
Your wife?
Yes, I'm married to her.
Him? Me? Come on.
Cheryl!
Andy, do something!
Andy, come on!
You gotta believe me. I was just
taking her on the low road.
Ha! In your face!
I'm about to go on break. Do you
still want to return this?
Let me ask you something.
If this bag looked this good
on you, would you return it?
Mnh-mnh.
Oh!
Hey, you don't
look so good.
Whew.
Luckily, you look good enough
for the both of us.
Scoreboard.
Hi, honey. I'm home...
From jail.
Here. I brought you
some delousing soap.
Be careful. It burns.
How'd you make bail?
Two words, Cheryl.
Afghanistan-bananastan.
Oh, honey, I'm sorry.
I guess I just needed some time
to figure out
what my priorities are.
Priorities?
It's a purse!
I'm your husband!
I know. That's why
it took so long.
Cheryl, you know what?
I take you for a little
test drive on the low road,
you steal a car,
knock over a liquor store
and run me over.
I was surprised, too.
I'm really good at being bad.
Oh. Yeah, well, that is
not good for our marriage.
From now on, one of us has to be
on the high road at all times.
One of us?
Yeah, you know, you.
Who's that?
Oh, the one phone call I had,
I called that lady
from the children's shelter.
Hi.
Hi, Jim. You sounded upset
on the phone.
Yeah, well, I'd gotten
some soap in my eyes.
But I'm lice-free.
Oh, great.
Uh, come on in.
Uh, we called
because Cheryl and I
wanted to make a donation
to the charity.
Oh.
Cheryl?
Here.
We thought maybe
you could auction it off
at the next fund-raiser.
Ooh.
Is this a Stephan Baton?
Yeah.
I never held a real one.
It's so... supple.
High road, high road,
high road.
Well, you know what?
You should be able
to get , bucks for that
at the auction.
Yes, of course. Auction it.
Thank you.
Well, I better go.
The children need me.
You won't be at
the next fund-raiser, will you?
There is no way
that I'm gonna be there.
Excellent.
Jim, she's gonna
keep my bag.
No way in hell.
If we can't have it,
she can't have it.
Back to the low road?
Put this ski mask on.
We'll Jack her in the driveway.