07x20 - The Joys of Sex

[bunniefuu]

♪ Boy, the way
Glenn Miller played ♪

♪ Songs that made
the hit parade ♪

♪ Guys like us we had it made ♪

♪ Those were the days ♪

♪ And you knew
where you were then ♪

♪ Girls were girls
and men were men ♪

♪ Mister, we could use a man
like Herbert Hoover again ♪

♪ Didn't need no welfare state ♪

♪ Everybody pulled his weight ♪

♪ Gee, our old
LaSalle ran great ♪

♪ Those were the days ♪

Hi, Ma.

Oh, hi, Gloria!

I didn't mean to scare ya,

but I need your help.

I can't figure out
where I've gone wrong

in this sweater that
I'm making for Joey.

[LAUGHS]

[TIMER BUZZES]
Oh, my cookies are...

Oh, my Tollhouse
cookies are done.

Mmm, Tollhouse,
that's my favorite.

Gloria, would you take
'em out of the oven for me?

Yeah. And I'll look
at your sweater.

Okay, can I have some? Oh, sure.

Don't burn, cookies,
I'm coming to eat you!

Well, there goes my diet.

Look, Ma, just like
when I was little.

I got one for my mouth
and one for each hand.

Here you go. [LAUGHS NERVOUSLY]

Excuse me.

Here, Ma, you can have
one of 'em. Oh, thank you.

Mmm! Mmm.

Ma, you think I
oughta fix that sweater?

Oh yeah. Uh, yeah.

You think you can show me how?

Oh, yeah.

[YELLS] What's the matter?

Look at all the
crumbs on the floor!

Where? Umm, look again.

Oh, Ma, it was just a raisin.

I think.

Hey, Edith,

Edith, I can't fix
the float valve

on that toilet up there
without the right tools.

I can't find my screwdriver, I
can't find my pliers. Oh, yeah.

Where's the pliers?

They're in the kitchen.

You was using 'em when
you was fixing the sink.

No, Edith, that was a year ago.

Now I used the
pliers since then.

On that self-same
toilet up there,

'cause the float valve
was making noise before.

And I remember
when I was finished,

I put the pliers right down
on the top of the toilet t*nk,

between the Rapid Shave and
your heavy-duty wrinkle cream.

Hiya, Daddy. Hiya, Little Girl.

And I ain't in a
happy frame of mood,

and what're you doin'
with your noise in my mail?

Gimme that mail!

It's only bills anyhow.

And look at this, Edith,

they all come on the
one day of the month.

They used to spread 'em out.

Ronald Reagan woulda
took care of this, see.

Well, let's see
what we got here.

Oh, heating oil here.

Well, that means more
money for the "A-rabs,"

then they run around the world

buyin' up all the hotels,
all the gambling joints,

which means more
money for the Mafia.

And then we got here
the gas and electric.

Well, that's more money
for Consolidated Edison,

they go runnin' around tearing
up the streets of New York,

which means more
money for the Teamsters,

which is another way of
saying more money for the Mafia.

And then we got
the telephone here,

AT&T, American
Thives and Thugs...

which is another way of sayin'

more money for the Mafia.

Daddy, all of that money
doesn't go to the Mafia.

Well, about half.

Another half goes to the Jews,

and the third half
goes to the Pope.

You are so sick.

Hey, Little Girl, it's
a well-known fact.

Look it up.

Ah-ah-ah!

All right, Edith, come
on. Get up outta my chair.

I gotta sit down,
read the bills,

see how much they're
taking me for this month.

Lemme get into
my chair, will you?

Archie, you oughta
look for your pliers.

I'll sit in my chair
until it comes to me

where they are, that's all.

What is the matter
with you? Sit down here!

[GRUNTS]

Lemme see this
here telephone bill.

And them calls to...

Edith.

Edith, I...

That new underwear you bought me

bunches up in the wrong spot.

Don't be listening to this!

See, these... [GRUNTS]

Look at this, four
calls over to Jersey.

I know where your pliers are!

They're in the cellar, Archie.
[MUTTERS INDISTINCTLY]

You was using them when you broke
the furna... [CONTINUES MUTTERING]

I mean, when you fixed
the furnace. Wait a minute.

Just come to me,
I think my pliers

is down the cellar,
because I was using 'em

that time that I busted...
Adjusted the furnace.

All right, I'll see
where they are, Edith.

I think I can find 'em.

Then I'll cure that
noise in the toilet forever.

[YELLS]

Ma, you're acting
so funny today.

No, I ain't acting funny!

You're hiding
something. No I ain't!

What're you doing with your
hand back there? No, nothing!

Ma, something's
under there, isn't it?

Lemme see! [PROTESTING]

[LAUGHING]

[LAUGHING STOPS ABRUPTLY]

How To Be Your
Husband's Mistress?

Shh! Archie'll hear ya!

Ma, what're you
doing with that book?!

ARCHIE: Ahh, hot
pipes, hot pipes!

Be careful, Archie!

Well?

Well...

Well, they was talking about it

on The Dinah Shore Show,

and I figured if Dinah could read
it, it was okay for me to read it,

'cause she ain't even
been married lately.

Ma, I know all about this book.

It's just trashy.

It's full of all sorts of lies.

And it gives you advice to
do ridiculous, kinky things

to make yourself more
attractive to your husband.

It's yucky!

But the woman that wrote it

claims that "yucky"
saved her marriage.

Ma, is something wrong
between you and Daddy?

ARCHIE: Hey, Edith! [GASPS]

Hey Edith, I'm afraid
you're just gonna have to live

with that noise of the float
valve sucking wind up there.

'Cause if I don't
have the right tools,

I can't fix nothin' at all.

So that's it.
Dinner at six, huh?

Where are you going, Archie?

I think I'll nip
down to Kelsey's

for a little
"aperatif"... On draft.

Ma, is there something
wrong between you and Daddy?

Uh, excuse me, Gloria, I
better go look for them pliers.

Ma, wait a minute,

Ma, the best thing
for a person to do

when they're having a problem

is to talk it over
with the person

they're having the problem with.

Can't you talk with Daddy?

Oh, I can't talk to
your father about it.

He won't listen.

I can't do it!

You oughta listen to me!

If you can't talk
to him, who can?

Not me!

I'm not having a sex
problem with Archie!

Ma's gotta talk to him!

Isn't it always easier for two
men to talk about these things?

Always.

But one of the men
cannot be Archie.

I can't just say,

"Hiya Arch, I understand you and
Ma are having problems in the sack."

Can't you be a little more
delicate about these things?

I don't know what you want, I
don't even know what the problem is!

Well, neither do I!

Look, Gloria, just because
Ma is reading a book about sex

doesn't mean they're
having a problem.

Well, they will,

if she starts taking advice
from that trashy book.

It tells wives to greet
their husbands at the door

wearing nothing but a
garter belt and a dry martini.

Where is this book?

[BLOWS RASPBERRY]

There's your delicate.

Look, I don't have time
to discuss this, honey,

I gotta take these
books back to the library.

Michael, Daddy's at
Kelsey's. It's right on your way!

I don't even know how
to approach him about it!

Gloria, look, you
gotta understand,

a male ego is a
very fragile thing.

Yeah, but you talked to him
about this kinda stuff before.

Don't you remember?

Remember when
you had your problem,

and Daddy told you you
were just "stuck in neutral"?

I remember.

Well, he helped you, didn't he?

What help? He told me to jog.

Come on, you can do it.

I can't, I can't! Yes you
can. Please? For me?

Can't we just buy Archie a book?

You know, Pat Boone's
Twixt Twelve and Twenty?

Or something? I just,
I'm so embarrassed!

It's embarrassing!
You'll do an excellent job.

I'll be waiting for
you with a martini!

Well, don't just stand there.

You want to talk
about something,

sit down and talk about it.

Don't be a-scared or nothin',

just spill it, whatever it is.

Well... it's kind of
a personal problem.

Ohh, jeez.

My generation never had these

personal problems.

Boy, how lucky we was...

All we had was the
Depression, Eleanor Roosevelt,

and a bad team in Brooklyn.

Here's your beers,
gents. Thanks a lot.

But what is it?
What's the problem?

Yeah, what's your problem?

Do you mind?

No! Go ahead.

I hear all kinds
of problems here.

It's about sex!

Terrific! Ohhh...
Get outta here!

Oh, excuse me.

Wait a minute, wait a minute.

Before we start,

is this something
we could maybe fix

with a little joggin'?

Arch, it's a little bit more
complicated than that.

Oh, jeez.

With you it's always
sex. I don't know what it is.

One year you're off,
the next year you're on...

You're either a monk or a mink.

You have such a sensitive
way of putting things.

I always try to be sensitive
about these here things.

Well, come on, what part
of ya ain't workin' now?

Ahh... I don't
know how to begin.

You forgot that?

Arch... what should I do

if I found out that
Gloria bought a book

called How To Be Your
Husband's Mistress?

She bought that book?
Well, let's just say she did.

Well, I'd raise
hell with her! Why?

She coulda checked it
out for free at the library.

Uh, Arch, in this book, it
tells how married couples

should get the most out of...
loving each other. [GROANING]

You know...

Well, let's put it this way.
You ever heard the expression

"the Earth moved"?

Aww, jeez, I hear
that expression

all the time on television,

I read it in the magazines.

Lemme tell you something.

Maybe the Earth moved
ten million years ago,

when the dinosaurs were
jumping on each other.

But not today.

Although I will say,

when you was living
over at our house there,

the Earth was pretty solid,

but I felt the upper floor
moving a time or two.

Yeah.

Well, Arch... Let's
put it this way.

How do people know
when they're satisfied?

Oh, jeez.

All right, I... I'll try to
give you an answer, see.

But I ain't gonna
go into no details

about "Geronimous" zones
and the "floor play" and all of that.

Just ask yourself one
simple question. What's that?

Well, you say to yourself,

"Am I satisfied with this here?"

If you feel yourself blushing,

the answer's yes.

If you feel like you
wanna throw up,

the answer's no.

How do you usually feel?

I don't talk about that!

I wouldn't-a even told that

naked in front of
the Army doctors!

H-have you ever been able
to talk about this with Ma?

No! No! You don't talk about
a thing like this with your wife.

Why not? Because, Meathead,

you talk about these
things and you spoil all of,

what do you call 'em,
"mystiqueries" and things.

But Arch, if you can't
talk about it with Ma,

then how are you gonna ever know

if things are good
between you two?

What are you talkin' 'bout
your mother-in-law and me for?

We're supposed to be
talking about Gloria and you!

Well, yeah, but...
Well, come on, get to it!

Uhh... uhh... uhh... Come on, state
your point, you're wasting my time.

Get at it. Listen to this guy,

"Uhh, uhh," he sounds like a
seal with his throat cut. Uhh...

Come on, spit it out!

Well, lately there hasn't
been much blushing

going on in this family,

and I don't mean me and Gloria.

Figure it out.

I'm so embarrassed!

Archie, you're home!
Look, I found your pliers.

They was right in your tool box.

Why don't you take
your hat and coat off?

Because I am chilled, Edith.

Oh, you want me
to put the heat up?

No, I don't wanna
be comfortable!

Something the matter?

Was you doin' any
talking to the Meathead

about you and me and
your you-know-what?

You-know-what what?

Help me, Lord, help me, Lord.

Gimme a word.

Privacies, the privacies
of the bedroom.

Oh!

Ah, ding-ding-ding-ding!

Oh, no, Archie!

I would never talk
to Mike about that!

Gloria tried to... Oh, Gloria!

Now I understand the
roundabouts of the whole thing!

She was over here
and you had a little

woman-to-woman talk with
your daughter. Oh, no, I never.

Yeah, and then she went home,

she had a little woman-to-man
talk with her husband,

then he trots down to Kelsey's

and forces me into man-to-Meathead
conversation with him.

I don't know what
you're talking about!

Ah, but you never talk
a woman-to-man thing

with your husband, huh? Oh,
I would love to do that, Archie,

but you never want to listen!

Ahh, jeez! Would you?

Noooo!

And I wanna state here and now,

for all time, Edith,
"paragorically,"

we're gonna have no
discussions between you and me

about between you and me.

I will not let you

talk ever about our sex life!

And what the hell
is wrong with it?!

Nothin'.

I think.

What do you mean you "think"?

Ain't I always there, huh?

When you're in the mood? [COOS]

Yeah, Archie, and
even when I ain't.

Even when you ain't!

How lucky can you get?

I know. [LAUGHS]

I was always lucky about that.

Certainly you was
always lucky about that!

Even before we was married.

Who'd you get lucky with
before we was married?!

No Archie, I didn't mean that!

I meant that before
we was married,

I had a long talk with
my mother, [WINCES]

see, and she said to me

that there was one
thing about marriage

that I wasn't gonna like,
but it was a wife's duty,

and I thought she was
talking about doing the laundry.

'Cause that's the only part
of marriage that wasn't no fun.

Is this gonna be long, Edith?

No. So when I got preg...

Not a nice word,
not a nice word!

Oh, well, when I got in
the family way with Gloria...

Better, better, better, yeah.

My mother said to me, "I see
you're doing your duty as a wife."

And then I knew what she meant!

And I didn't have
the heart to tell her

that I liked it.

But you shoulda
told the old lady that!

I mean, maybe she woulda
given me some kinda respect!

Oh, no, never.

It woulda broke her
heart. [GROANING]

Edith, but why
does this suddenly...

Now, after all these...

I mean, why does
this suddenly come

and blow on the
windmills of your wind?

[BLOWS RASPBERRY]

Archie,

remember when you had
the date with that waitress?

Oh, that's it!

You're throwing that up
to me! No, Archie, I ain't!

You'll never let me off the hook
for that for the rest of my life!

It's gonna go on and on and on
and on. I know nothing happened!

[INDISTINCT MUTTERING] I
know nothing happened between you,

but I thought I was
gonna lose you,

so I had to see her.

So I went down to the coffee
shop... Went down to the coffee shop!

I didn't talk to her, Archie,

I just looked at her!

I had to see her
to see what it was

that attracted you
to her, and I did!

Oh, Edith, you went down there!

She was pretty.
And young ...ger.

When I went home,
I looked in the mirror

and I seen wrinkles
that I never seen before.

Wrinkles is doing all of this?

Edith, lemme tell you something.

I seen wrinkles on that lady,

but I don't see no
wrinkles on you.

Oh, Archie.

Look closer.

Edith... Edith. [MUTTERS]

I'm looking as
close as I can look

without going cock-eyed.

And your face is as
smooth as a baby's butt.

Archie, your eyes
must be getting worse.

Well, all right, hey,
how do you know

Mother Nature didn't
plan it all out that way?

You know, right when
people start getting older,

you start getting wrinkled-y,

maybe their eyes is supposed
to start getting more "weakerer,"

so they can't
see a lot of things

that don't make no
difference anyway,

and it all comes
out even in the end.

I ain't getting through.

Put it this way, Edith.

To these two eyes,
weak as they may be,

you are more beautiful
than anybody I could think of.

Archie...

Do you think...

Do you feel that you've
been missing something?

[SIGHS]

No, I mean... Do I
make you happy?

Do you make me happy?

Edith.

You make me happy in every way.

When it comes to
making a guy happy, Edith,

you wrote the book.

The book!

Oh, oh! [LAUGHS]

Oh, jeez, I'm glad
you're laughing here.

I'm glad you're laughing.

For a minute there, I
thought you was gonna start

doing what you're
doing now. [CRIES]

Here it comes, Niagra Falls
coming around the corner once again!

Aww, don't cry no more.

Oh, Edith, don't cry no more.

♪♪

All in the Family
was recorded on tape

before a live audience.