07x23 - Mike and Gloria Split

[bunniefuu]

♪ Boy, the way
Glenn Miller played ♪

♪ Songs that made
the hit parade ♪

♪ Guys like us we had it made ♪

♪ Those were the days ♪

♪ And you knew
where you were then ♪

♪ Girls were girls
and men were men ♪

♪ Mister, we could use a man
like Herbert Hoover again ♪

♪ Didn't need no welfare state ♪

♪ Everybody pulled his weight ♪

♪ Gee, our old
LaSalle ran great ♪

♪ Those were the days ♪

MICHAEL: I have a beauty.

"B-U-S-T... A-R-D."

That's what, ten points?

I'm on a double word
score there, that's points,

I used all my letters,
extra for that,

I got "WAGES" here, that's...

Michael, you made a mistake.
That's not how you spell it.

"B-U-S-T-A-R-D"?

Ha ha ha ha!

Ha ha ha ha ha!

That's right. No,
I challenge you.

Gloria, that is a
word. "Bustard."

Well, it's a word if you're
not a very nice person.

[SNORTS]

Come on, Michael, you finally
made a mistake. I got you.

Here. What does that say?

"Bustard. An
Australian game bird

related to the cranes
and the plovers."

Well, of course, the plovers.

How could I forget them?

Caw! Caw! Caw!

What are you doing?

I'm doing an Australian
game bird call.

Are you gonna
play the game? Yes.

Then go. It's your turn.

I know it's my turn.

[CHORTLES]

[CHORTLES]

Oh boy!

Oh boy!

Heh heh heh heh!
Michael... What? My turn?

No, it's still my turn,
but I can't concentrate

with you making all that noise.

Oh, I'm sorry, I wasn't
making noise intentionally.

♪ Oh boy, I'm lucky ♪

♪ I'll say I'm lucky ♪

♪ This is my lucky day ♪

♪ I got great letters... ♪

What? Go!

All right, I'm gonna go.

Uh, "T..."

"I-N."

TIN.

TIN? You're putting down TIN?!

[RUDE GUFFAW]

Yeah. Putting down TIN,
it's three points. Write it down.

All right, I'll write
it down, honey,

but it's not gonna
make any difference

because I am going
out with ENGULFS.

"E-N-G-U... L-F-S."

That's a triple-word
score, I used all my letters,

I am out with a grand
total of points

to your measly .

Okay. So I'm stupid.

Honey, you're not stupid.

You just don't know as
many words as I do, that's all.

Why do we always compete
at things that you're good at?

Why can't we compete
at something I'm good at?

Fine, fine. We can.

First thing tomorrow morning,
we'll get up bright and early

and we'll have a bake-off.

That's all you think
I'm good at is baking?

No, honey, it was a joke.

There are many things, many
things that you are good at.

No! Many things.

Michael, no! I don't
feel like having fun.

What?!

What's the matter with you?

Of course you b*at me
at these stupid games.

'Cause you've had every
opportunity in the world

to improve your mind.

The only opportunities I've
had are to feed your face

and clean your clothes
and satisfy your lust.

Take it easy;
there's no problem.

We just won't play
games like this anymore.

Besides, it's no fun for me
to win all the time anyway.

Thanks a bunch!

Gloria, the bedspread.

Okay.

I work to put you through
college so you can tell me

how stupid I am.

You are not stupid!

You wanna go to college?

You wanna go to college?!

Go. What's stopping you?

How about housework,
the baby, money,

you? Me?

Yeah, you.

I was supposed to go to college
when you finish, remember?

All right, so when I get
a little bit more money,

and Joey's a little bit older...

I'll be by then.

In the meantime, every
game, every conversation,

every argument...
You'll always be the best.

The better.

What?

It's good, better, best...

Good when there's one, better
when it's a comparative between two,

and best when it
refers to three or more.

Thank you very much.

I stand corrected.

Go to hell, Michael! Whoa!

Did I say that right?!

Whoa!

Thanks to you, the only
change I foresee in my life

is menopause, and
what do you care?

Whoa!

You know what?

You've ruined my life.

[GUFFAWS LOUDLY]

I have ruined your life?!

I, who get up every morning at
: to go to work to make a living

so that you and Joey
have a roof over your head

and are fed and clothed?!

I have ruined your life?

Yes, ruined!

If I hadn't married you,

I could've gone to college
and really been something

like a doctor or a lawyer,

or just a lousy
professor like you.

Lousy professor, huh?

You wish you could be so lousy

with your atrocious spelling.

Atrocious?

Yeah, yeah Can you spell that?

Yeah!

Atrocious.

M-E-A-T-H-E-A-D.

Atrocious!

All right, Gloria, I don't
have to listen to any of this.

If you have any other
little trenchant comments

that you wish to pass on to me,

kindly refer them
downstairs to the couch,

which is where I
will be sleeping.

Don't think that
you're punishing me,

because I'm used to
sleeping with nothing.

Okay, Gloria, you just did it.

You drove me off the
couch and out the front door.

That's fine with me!

Why don't you just disappear?!

D-I-S-A-P-E-A-R.

There's two P's in that word.

Get out of here!

I hate you, Michael Stivic!

Just disappear!

You ruined my life!

[ALARM CLOCK RINGS,
BABY BEGINS SCREAMING]

Aaaaaaah!

[DOORBELL RINGS]

[RINGS]

ARCHIE: Oh, my God!

[RINGS]

Why would anybody
ring a man's doorbell

at : a.m. in the morning?

[RINGS]

Aw, this is just
savageness, that's all.

Ah, jeez.

Archie, why don't
you put the lights on?

I shoulda did that, Edith,

because I just stubbed
the little toe on the left foot

on the leg of the chair, see

And here comes the pain.

That's too bad.

See, the painter
moved the furniture.

Why didn't you move
it all back where it was?

It took me years to memorize
the deformities of this room.

[YAWNING]

MIKE: Hey, Arch, it's
me. Open the door!

Oh, it's Mike!

They must've run
out of food over there.

Hi, Mike. Hi, Ma.

Hi. Hi, Arch.

Here he is in all his glory,

Attila the Hungry.

Mike, what's the matter?
Nobody's sick, are they?

No, ma, it's nothing like that.

I'm sorry to get you out of bed.

That's all right. We
was only sleepin'.

You don't have to explain to him

our what do you call
'em, privacies there.

Suppose we wasn't sleepin'.

Would you give him a
rundown on all the frolics?

Mike, what's the matter?

Why ain't you in bed sleepin'?

Gloria and I had a fight.

I was wondering if I could
borrow some money for a motel.

BOTH: Ah... Mike, I'm sorry.

What happened?

Wait a minute, wait a minute.

We don't wanna know
what happened there.

Don't tell us what happened.

We don't wanna know.

Tell him we don't give
a damn what happened.

What happened, Mike?

I don't know, Ma.

Gloria got all upset and
she said I ruined her life.

I told her the same
thing seven years ago.

All right, forget it, Arch.

I'm sorry I came
here to begin with.

Wait a minute, Mike.
Where are you going?

I don't know, Ma...
Out into the night.

Oh, no, Mike, no!

It's too cold out
there and dark.

Why don't you stay here tonight?

Oh, no, Ma.

Where the hell's he
gonna sleep? With Teresa?

Oh, no.

Teresa can sleep in our bed.

Up against you or up against me?

Oh, no!

See, Archie, you'll
sleep in Teresa's bed

in Mike's old room,

and I'll ask Teresa to
come and sleep with me

in our bed in our room.

And Mike'll sleep on
the cot in Teresa's room,

which used to be Mike's old room

where you'll be
sleeping in Teresa's bed.

See, and you won't have to
sleep up against nobody. See?

If I tried to figure
that one out,

I'd be sleeping up
against a straitjacket.

You'll see what I mean. Come on.

Help me up.

You pinched a roll!

Come on, Mike.

Everything's gonna be all right.

Turn out the light,
will ya, Meathead?

And you're gonna have to help
me down with that cot up there.

Arch, I don't know
about sleepin' on that cot.

I got a bad back.

What the hell are
you talkin' about?

Everybody sleeps
good on that cot.

Like who?

I remember my cousin Oscar
once fell asleep on that cot.

He never woke up.

MICHAEL: Hey, Arch.
What do you want?

I don't know about these
pajamas you gave me.

Well, it was either a pair
of Edith's or a pair of mine,

and Edith's ain't got
the standard opening.

Nine million people
in the city of New York

and look at me...
Shackin' up with you.

What are you takin'?

It's for blood pressures...

What they call an
anti-Meathead pill.

Hey, Arch,

what did your cousin
Oscar die from, anyway?

Oh, Oscar.

Well, he d*ed
of, uh... bad feet.

Nobody dies from bad feet.

I don't know. The man was always
complaining his feet was killin' him.

Ah.

I can't believe what
I just seen there.

What? I got into bed.

Is that the way you
always get into bed?

Sure.

You must be the only
person in the world

that gets into a bed that way.

What's wrong with it?

Well, let me show
you somethin', huh?

Why does he always get
me so mad at everything?

Now this is the way
you get into a bed.

You go up to the bed,
you look at it, right?

Okay.

Then the next thing you
do, you take the covers

and you turn 'em down in
a flap like that there, see?

All right.

Then you sit down on
the edge of your bed there

like this here, and
you say a little prayer,

unless you're an atheist and
you're gonna burn in hell anyhow.

Then you swing
your legs into the bed,

you pull the flap
over like that,

and you groove
yourself down in there

and with them few
simple maneuvers,

you're ready to sleep.

That's my way. Now
what about your way?

My way... Your way is stupid!

I seen your way there.

Jeez, it ain't even human.

You slid yourself in there like
a punch card into a time clock.

Arch, my way is the perfect way.

My way, I don't
mess up the sheets,

I don't mess up the blanket.

I am now perfectly tucked
in, snug as a bug in a rug.

Bug. Don't you
wanna be a person?

Your way, every
time you get into bed,

you got the cover,
you got the sheets,

the blanket... There's
reasons for that!

Help me, Lord.

Suppose there's a fire
in the middle of the night.

What are you gonna do, huh?

You're locked in there.

But with a flap here...

Look. You throw the flap
back, you're outta bed,

and like a sh*t there, you
got easy regress to safety.

If that's the only
reason to have a flap,

I'll take my chances
on burnin' to death.

There's other reasons,
there's other reasons!

What about gastriasis?

What?!

Gastriasis. Suppose you
get an att*ck of gastriasis

in the middle of the night?

Your way, you're
trapped in there,

you can't get away from it.

My way, with the flap...

Now get outta the bed and turn
down a flap and get into it my way!

I'll do it that way
tomorrow night, all right?

Okay, tomorrow, and the
next night and the next night

and do it that way every
night for the rest of your life!

Now good night.

[GROANS]

What a jerk.

What a dope.

[COT CREAKS LOUDLY]

Hey, Arch?

[CREAKS AGAIN]

Arch.

There's somethin'...

wrong with this bed.

I'm trapped.

I'm trapped!

I shoulda left a
flap; he was right.

[GRUNTS LOUDLY]

Huh...

[ARCHIE SNORING]

Oh, don't get sore
about Alice Faye.

I only loved her from afar.

[SIGHS]

You got into bed with
me to do this here?

It was an accident.

With little Joey, it
would be an accident.

With you, it's a
dishonorable discharge.

Arch, the cot broke,
so I got into bed.

I'm sorry; I spilled
a glass of water...

Oh, you spilled water
in the bed, you slob, ya?!

Get up and get outta
here and go to a motel!

Fine! Fine! I didn't wanna
stay here to begin with.

I'll gladly loan you the money.

Good. The word is "lend."

The word is "loan," 'cause
I want the money back.

Arch, "loan" is a noun.

You make a loan.

"Lend" is a verb. You
lend somebody something.

Come on. Talk like a
regular person, will ya there?

You're always talkin' like
you swallowed an almanac

and you're burpin'
up all your learnin'.

I'm a teacher; that's
what I do for a living.

Do you have to go around
and do that all the time, huh?

Showin' everybody
how smart you are?

I don't do that.

Yes, you do.

You're always
correctin' everybody.

You correct your
mother-in-law, you correct me.

You correct your wife, my
darling little daughter Gloria.

Why did she leave me?

You go around
correctin' the whole world.

Do I really do that?

Yes, you do that!

Why the hell did you go
through college anyway?

So you could turn around
and tell the rest of us

what a bunch of dummies we was?

I do do that, don't I?

You most certainly do.

Hey, Arch...

Ya know, that's the first
time since I've known you

you've actually told
me something I can use.

Ah!

Thanks, Archie.

Guy ain't been the same ever
since he had that vas-sex-somy.

Oh!

Isn't this lovely?

Hey, Edith!

Hey, Edith, in there!

What, Archie?

Edith, the bed's
all wet in here.

Oh.

"Kalinsky, Korean,
kosher, koumiss."

K-O-U-M-I-S-S.

"A fermented beverage made
by nomads of Central Asia

from mares' milk."

Yechh!

Koumiss. A fermented
beverage made by...

nomads of Central
Asia from mares' milk.

[DOOR OPENS]

Truce?

Truce.

T-R-U-C-E, truce.

You were right, honey.

I am a meathead.

Not only that, I'm
a pompous ass.

I shouldn't talk down to you.

I'm sorry.

Thank you, Michael.

And I'm sorry that I
said you ruined my life.

You've made me very happy.

Hey, you know what?

If you wanna... You
wanna go to college,

we'll find a way.

Well, I don't know if I
have to go right away.

Many people who've
never been to college

know a lot of things.

For instance,

just this minute, I was thinking

how good it would be to have
a nice, cold glass of koumiss.

Koumiss. You know
what that is, koumiss?

A fermented beverage made
by nomads of Central Asia

from mares' milk.

You rat!

I heard you! How did you...?!

I heard it outside the door.

I heard you say it...

♪♪

All in the Family
was recorded on tape

before a live audience.