08x01 & 08x02 - Archie Gets the Business (1)(2)

[bunniefuu]

♪ Boy, the way
Glenn Miller played ♪

♪ Songs that made
the hit parade ♪

♪ Guys like us,
we had it made ♪

♪ Those were the days ♪

♪ And you knew
where you were then ♪

♪ Girls were girls
and men were men ♪

♪ Mister, we could use a man
like Herbert Hoover again ♪

♪ Didn't need
no welfare state ♪

♪ Everybody pulled
his weight ♪

♪ Gee, our old LaSalle
ran great ♪

♪ Those were the days ♪

Hey, Kelcy,
you got a visitor.

Yeah? Who?

Archie here!

Ah, come on,
quit your kiddin'.
Jeez, how are ya?

Hey, I brought you
a little present here, huh?

Cigar. This is a goodie.
It's a -cent one,
you know?

It ain't a Havana,
but Puerto Rican Harlem,

that's as close to Havana
as we want to get.

Thanks, Archie,
but I ain't allowed
to smoke no more.

That's what
I figured there.

You had me scared.

Hey, you give us all a time
down in the saloon, you know?

Somebody said the priest
had you penciled in
for Wednesday.

Nah, it was a mild
heart att*ck.

What?

Hiya, Kelcy!

Hey, Arch,
what are you doin' here?

You said he was a goner.

I never said that.

How's things
down at the bar?

Oh, it's hummin' tonight.

Me and Carlos could've used
a third bartender.

Hey, uh, a little rememberance
from me and the misses.
Thanks, Harry.

Well, Kelcy, you know,
I would've brung you flowers,
too,

but I read in a magazine
that they suck up all
the carbon monoxygen in the air.

Well, Harry,
what's the answer?

I came to tell you,
Kelce,

but I didn't know
there was gonna be
anybody here.

Well, there's only me.

Yeah, Arch, would you mind
just steppin' outside?

Don't send me
out in that hall.

There's a guy layin'
on a table out there

with hoses up his nose.

- Go ahead, Harry.
- Yeah, go ahead.
Don't take no notice of me.

Just make like
I ain't here, that's all.

Well, listen, Kelce--

Uh, Harry,
is this nice
in my face?

Would you mind?

Talk, talk.
I ain't listenin'.

I'm still tryin'
to raise the money.

The money for what?

Harry, I'm a businessman.

I sell to the first guy
who meets my price.

Price of what?

Arch, this is
a private matter.

We're all pals here,
ain't we?

Harry here's tryin'
to raise the money
to buy the bar.

What?

Harry wants to buy the bar?

Will you butt out?

Kelcy, are you
sellin' Kelcy's?

The doc says
I oughtta retire,

and thanks to the bar,
I can afford it.

Hey, look, Kelce,
look.

I gotta a friend
who's got a friend

who's very interested
in goin' in with me.

All I ask is
you give me a little time.

Don't give him
nothin' here.

Will you stay
outta this?

No!

Harry, first come,
first served.

Hey, don't you
think you oughtta go
back to the bar?

You don't wanna leave
Carlos alone too long.

No, you don't
want to do that.
You better get goin'.

Yeah, I gotta get back.

I sure hope you don't sell it
to nobody else, Kelce.

Nice seein' ya, Arch.

No nice to be nasty
there, Harry.

Hey, feel good, Kelce.

I don't want you to take
a turn for the "nurse."

Ha ha ha!

Aw, gee, ain't he
a crude palooka?

Ya sellin' him the bar?

Why not?

I mean,
Harry ain't no boss.

Kelcy, you're a boss.

Harry ain't no more
than me,

an ordinary workin' stiff.

When I bought the bar,
I was a workin' stiff,

just like you.

Didn't need no brains.

No kiddin'?

Not only that,
I had a boss that hollered.

Aw, jeez,
tell me about that.

Biggest day of my life
was when I hollered
back at him.

Then I borrowed the money
and bought the bar.

And you lived
wealthily ever after, huh?

You know any workin' stiff

that can afford to pay
cash for a heart att*ck?

Jeez, I sure don't,
Kelce.

That bar's a gold mine,
Arch.

There's always business.

When things are good,
they come in to celebrate.

When things are bad,
they come in to drown
their troubles.

And you know
that apartment house

they're talkin' about
buildin' down at the corner?

That could mean
new thirsty tongues
hangin' out.

Undertakers
and saloon-keepers, Archie--

they never starve.

How much you askin'?

, .

Oh, jeez.

, down, and I'll
take back a note for .

I want it, Kelcy.

I want that saloon.

Like I told Harry--

first come,
first served.

Oh, that's only fair,
only fair.

I'm gonna be
the first to come.

Aahhh!

Kelcy, easy.
Jeeeezzz.

Take it easy.
Don't get away
from me now, you know?

I'm gonna go away.

I'm gonna look into this.

I'm gonna look into this,
Kelcy.

Oh, about poor Harry here--

- What about him?
- To hell with him!

[TITTERING]

Close the door!
[TITTERING]

Ooohhh!

Hey, Edith!

[TITTERING]

Hey, Edith.

Hey, Edith, wake up.

Edith.

Hey, Edith, wake up,
I wanna talk to ya.

Hey, Edith.
Edith, Edith, Edith!

Ohh! Ooohhhh!

Hello, Archie!

Edith! Edith!

I'm glad I found you
awake, Edith.

Yeah.
[YAWNS]

I want to talk to you
awake.

Oh, yeah.
All right, Archie.

I got somethin'
important to tell ya.

Yeah, all right.
What is it?

Kelcy is retirin'.

He's gonna sell
his saloon.

What?

Kelcy's sellin'
his saloon.

Listen to me here.

Oh. Ohhh.

Oh, well,
don't worry, Archie,

you'll find
someplace else to drink.

That ain't it.
That ain't it.

Wake up!

All right,
I'm awake, I'm awake.

Listen to me.

I wanna buy
Kelcy's saloon from him.

Oh--
You're jokin'!

No, no, I ain't jokin'.

Oh, Archie,
you can't do that!

No? Why?

Well, I mean you can't
run a bar at night

and--and do your job
in the daytime.

You know what?
The hell with that job!

The hell with the job.
I'm quittin' the job.

You know what I want
to do to that job?

[IMITATES BURBLING WATER]
Down the toilet with the job!

You can't do that!
You'll lose your pension!

Pension! Pension!

Do you know what happens
to all them union
pension funds?

They all go to the Mafia.

I'll never collect on that
unless I want to spend
my dying days in Sicily!

Well, what about
your Social Security?

Social Security?
I can't collect on that
for another years, Edith.

And with the Democrats
in there,

they'll run through all that
Social Security money

before we have a chance
to run 'em outta there!

That's true!
Didn't you read

where they're sellin'
the post offices

to pay the rent
on the White House?

No, I never heard that.

Well,
read the National Enquirer--

the only paper that'll
give you the truth nowadays!

Listen. Listen.

- Listen, Edith, Edith.
- Yeah.

Now, think of it
this way.

- Edith--
- Yeah, what, Archie?

Supposing all my
figuring is wrong,

and I die first.

Huh?

Now, think of that,
Edith.

Now, what's to become
of you there? Huh?

You'll spend your last days
in a home for the aged, see?

A raggedy,
muffledy old bag...

gummin' gruel!

Do you want
to spend your last days
with a bowl of gruel?

Oh, Archie,
you're talkin' crazy.

No, no, no, I ain't.

If I can do this thing,
I--I can take us
out of all that.

I can be somebody, see?

Oh, Archie, you don't
have to be somebody.

I love ya right now
when you're nobody!

Aahhh!

Listen to me, Edith.

All my life,
I been a guy,

they're always tellin' me
what to do, you know?

Someone's always
tellin' me, even now--

I'm a middle-aged man--

down on the job,
someone's always yellin',

"Bunker, move them crates
off the loadin' dock!"

When I was little kid,
the teachers,

"Bunker, sit in the corner!
Blow your nose!"

When I was a young fella
in the w*r,

"Bunker, hand that chicken
back to the wops!"

For a change in my life,

I want to tell people
where to go and what to do.

Yeah, I know, Archie.

You wanna raise
yourself up.

That's it! That's it!
That's it! That's it!

I want to raise myself up!
I want to raise myself--

I wanna see my name
on somethin', ya know?

Somethin' besides
just a lunch pail.

I wanna see Kelcy's Bar
turned into Bunker's Bar,

and for $ , down,
Edith, that's all--

$ , !

Archie, how ya gonna get
that much money?

Credit, Edith, credit!

Oh, no, not credit!

What are ya talkin' about,
"Not credit"?

What's wrong with credit?
It's the backbone
of the USA economy!

Credit's the only thing
that stands between us
and communism!

Archie, we only got

nineteen hundred
and seventy-two dollars
and forty-three cents

in our savings account!

Plus interest--

which, "we're sorry,
but Federal regulations

require a substantial penalty
for early withdrawal"!

Oh, Edith.

Oh, Archie,
come on, get undressed
and come to bed.

You're just dreamin'!

No, no, no,
I ain't dreamin'.

Edith, Edith,
listen to me.

This is a once-
in-a-lifetime chance!

A once-in-a-lifetime
chance

comes only once
or twice in a lifetime!

Archie, we got
everything we need!

And besides,
we're too old
to start over.

Now, come on,
get undressed
and come to bed.

Too old to start over.

Jeez.

That's what you'd say
to somethin' I want
as much as this, huh?

Ohh, Edith.

You know,
it puts me in mind

of when I was a kid
about years old,
you know.

I used to go scratchin'
all around the neighborhood

lookin' for odd jobs
to make myself a quarter--

rakin' leaves,
runnin' errands,

shovelin' snow,
all of that.

I was savin' up
for a bike,

because a bike
was the one thing

I wanted more than
anything else in life, see.

So after nearly two years
of savin' up,

my old man comes along
and he says,

"No bike for you,
Meathead."

He called you
Meathead?

Now, wasn't that
a rotten thing to say?

The man had no heart
in him at all.

He took all my dough,

and he put it, he said,
into the bank for me.

I feel to you now, Edith,

like the way I felt
to him then.

I wanted to kick him
right you-know-where.

Oh, well.

I--I didn't mean that.

Forget I said that, Edith.

I'm--I'm sorry
I said that.

Well, I'm sorry too,
Archie.

Yeah.

Well, I ain't so sure
you're sorry, Edith.

I really don't think
you're sorry at all.

This way please.

It's a swell-lookin' bank
you got here.

Well, thank you.
The loan officer
will be with you in a minute.

All right,
thank you very much.
Thank you very much.

- Hello.
- Oh, hello there.

Can I help you?

No, thanks. I'm just waitin'
for the loan officer here.

I'm the loan officer.

Are you Mr. Bunker?

You're the loan officer?

Yes, I am.

Jeez, I was sure
the loan officer was gonna be--

a man.

Or a lady.
You know, a regular lady.

Oh, jeez.

Struck out twice, didn't you?

Now, you're gonna
ask me for a loan, right?

I bet my chances
ain't as good as they was
about two minutes ago, huh?

It won't affect the loan,

as long as you don't want
to marry my sister.

Ohh.

[TELEPHONE RINGS]

- Please sit down.
- Thank you very much there.

Hello, Ms. Watson here.

Yes, I'm familiar
with the Granville loan.

It matures on the th,
but we've given an extension

with an accelerated
amortization

and a cancellation
of the mortgagee's obligation
to a balloon payment.

You're welcome.

Whoop-de-do there.

We've come a long way
from Roots, haven't we?

Yeah, you said it.

I mean, Aunt Jemima
could have never
rattled that off.

You're a very smart girl,

and you're gonna
give me a loan, huh?

First, I have
a few questions.

Do you have
an account here?

At this particular
point in time, no.

Why don't you go
to your own bank
for a loan?

They know me there.

No, no, no, I mean--
I know them there,

and I don't like them,
you know.

I--I think I'm gonna move
my assets over here
to this bank.

Well, I don't trust 'em.

Listen, you walk in to
a bank manager's office there,

and all you see on his desk
is travel photos, you know.

What kind of a loan
did you have in mind?

Well, I'm--I'm figurin'
on goin' into a business
adventures, you know.

So, I thought,
twenty thou.

What kind of business?

I'm gonna purchase
an establishment

for the dispenseration
of wines, beers,

and alcoholic spirituals
and, um...

drinks of a liquorious nature.

A saloon.

Well, no, I--

a friendly, respectable
neighborhood tavern,
you know,

where you could take
your own mother in there

with no fear that
she's gonna be groped.

- Sounds high-class.
- Oh, A- .

Do you have any collateral
to guarantee the loan?

Yeah, the best
collateral in the world,
the saloon itself.

You don't own that.

Mr. Bunker,
you have to show us
that you're a good risk.

Oh, come on, there,
do I look like some bum

rollin' in
off the street here?

I'm a respectable guy,
workin' the same job
for years.

I own my own house.

Is it encumbered?

No, it's stucco and wood.

No, I mean do you own it
free and clear?

Oh! Plea--

Sure I do,
own the whole thing
outright there,

and that house is the jewel
of the block there.

I was offered
forty-seven-five
for the house there.

I could get fifty-two
from a colored guy.

I wouldn't be surprised.

Unfortunately,
business is business.

I think I may be able
to recommend the loan.

Aww, terrific.

Say, I knew I was
gonna like you, you know.

'Course, you's a little tough,
you seemed to be,

when I first sat down,
but then it goes to show

you can never judge a book
by its color--

cover.

You're to complete
this form.

Yeah, gimme it.

Sign here,

and if the house
is jointly owned,

your wife signs here.

Oh, well, wait a minute,

if I sign it,
ain't that enough for ya?

Not if it's
jointly owned.

Ohh.

Well, there ain't
gonna be no problem.

My wife will sign
anything I put in front
of her there,

'cause she's one of them
old-fashioned missuses,
you know?

She ain't one of your
modern, pain-in-the-neck
missuses.

You know, present company
suspected, there.

So, uh, I'll just
get this signed,

and I'll be back,
and I want to thank you
for your time.

Oh, jeez,
I'm awful sorry!

That's all right,
Mr. Bunker.

There's some down
in your lap here.

Oh, jeez, I hope
I didn't touch nothin'.

I'll get this all signed.

I'll bring it back
as fast as I can.

You'll see, it'll all
be in order, see.

Oh, jeez! I didn't know
the toilets was that way.

Ma, you here?

Oh, hi, Mike.

Hi, Ma.

How's Joey?

Oh, he's fine.

Glorida took him
on his first bus ride today.

You should've seen him.
He was so excited.

He jumped on the bus,
hopped in the front seat,

and said,
"My chair, my chair."

Wonder where he got that from.

Probably from Archie.

Yeah, Ma.

[SIGHS]

What's the matter, Ma?
Something botherin' you?

Oh, no. Well, yeah.
Well, yeah, no.

Yeah.

Is Archie still thinkin'
about buyin' Kelcy's?

I think it would be
a terrible mistake.

Ma, you got nothing
to worry about.

The only way Archie's
gonna get $ ,
is if he prints it,

and I don't think
Archie can print.

Hey, hey, hey!

I'm home, I'm home,
I'm home.

Here back in the bosom
of all your smilin' faces.

Edith, I don't see ya
runnin' up to me

as per usual, but don't
make no difference.

You're lookin' beautiful
standin' over there.

- Meathead.
- Just call me gorgeous.

Gorgeous,
my chair, my chair.

Ladies and gentlemen,
you see before youse
a brand-new person here.

You'll never guess
what happened to me today.

You had a sex change.

No, that's more
in your line,
Vasectomy Vic.

Edith, you're
looking at a bona fide
businessman here.

I just started
to arrange the finances

for the purchase
of Kelcy's bar.

Wait, wait, wait,
wait a second.

Wait a second.

Who would lend you
that kind of money?

- I ain't sayin'.
- You can't say.

- I wouldn't say.
- I dare ya to say.

- I won't say.
- Say it!

The bank!

And what did you
give them in return?

Somethin' that you
ain't got--my word.

Oh, come on, Arch.

You're tellin' me a bank
is gonna lend you

$ , on your word alone.

Well, my word, plus--

- Plus what?
- I ain't sayin'!

- You can't say.
- I wouldn't say.

- I dare you to say.
- I won't say it.

- Say it!
- Mortgage!

A mortgage on what?

What the hell do you
usually get a mortgage on?

- A mortgage on the house?
- You're clever.

- You can't use the house,
Arch.
- Our house?

You're gonna
mortgage our house?

Ma, Ma, don't worry.
He can't possibly do that
without your signature.

Will you shut up?

But don't that mean

if somethin'
happens to the bar

they could take away
our house?

Don't be hollerin' like you're
out on the sidewalk already.

Why do you always
look on the dark side?

That's all she sees,
livin' with you.

I got two things
to say to you.

First is, why don't you
take a walk?

The second is...
[BLOWS RASPBERRY]

Okay, goodbye, Ma.

I'm holdin' the door
for you.

All right,
goodbye, Arch.

Why is it--

Why is it that I always leave
this house under a cloud?

I wouldn't know, but sometime
I'd like to see you

leavin' this house
under arrest.

Archie, we can't
take that chance,
not with our house!

Please, Archie!

Wait! How ya gonna
get ahead in life if you
don't take a chance?

Oh, gee,
why do you always--

Ya gotta have
some confidence
in me here, Edith.

I know what I'm doin'.
Don't worry about it.

Please listen, Archie.
When I was a little girl--

Don't make it
a long story, Edith.

No, it ain't long.

See, we was livin'
in the Depression...

It's so sad!

...and my father
was so scared

somebody'd come
and take away the house

and we'd all have to go
on relief.

Archie, I ain't
scared of much,

but I'm sure scared
of losin' our home.

Edith, please,
you bring up your father.

In the first place,
he's in his grave, Edith.

In the second place,
he was a dope,
and I ain't.

Now, Edith,
sit down here.

Sit down and let me
explain it to ya here.

Just sit down.

You don't have to worry
about nothin'.

I brought this home
from the bank.

It's all perfectly legal.
People do this every day.

What is that?
What is it?

This is just a document
from the bank,

and all ya gotta do is
to put your name down here.

Now, listen--

but don't be readin'
the fine print.

It'll make
your eyeballs bounce.

- Just sign it there.
- What is it?

I told you, it's from
the bank, Edith.

When you sign it there,

you probably get some kind of
premium gift they give away--

you know, a pack
of ballpoint pens

or somethin' like that,

or a waffle iron,

or one of them
digitalis clocks
or somethin',

so just sign.

"Residential loan
appli--"

Mortgage!

Oh, no, Archie, no!
I can't sign that!

No, we ain't
mortgagin' our house!

I mean, it's my house
too, you know.

Now, listen,
let me tell you somethin'.

I sweat my britches off
for this here house.

I didn't hear you
complainin' all them years

that I'm pourin' all my
hard-earned money
into the house.

Now I want to take
a little money
out of the house,

you're against that.

Why, when this is a thing
that I want?

I need this!
I gotta have this!

No, Archie, I'm sorry.
I can't sign it!

Wait a minute!

Wait a minute!
Wait a minute there!

What the hell
has happened to you?

You used to be
a quiet little--

sometimes you'd think
you was a Japanese girl.

I don't know.

I guess
I'm different now,

and I ain't gonna let
nobody take our house!

[MOCKING]
I ain't gonna let nobody
take away our house!

[DOOR CLOSES UPSTAIRS]

This is all the fault
of that Helen Curly Steinway!

Ohh!

Ooh.

[OBJECTS RATTLE LOUDLY]

Edith. "E"...

"D"...

"IT."

You're gonna thank me
for this one of these days,

Edith Bunker.

"B...U...N..."

...ker"

Ma, can I have
some more pancakes?

Oh, sure, Mike.

Ma!
Ma, where you goin'?

They're
right over here.

Oh! Oh, I'm sorry.

Here ya are.

Thanks.

Ma, syrup, please.

No, thank you.

- Here you are, honey.
- Thanks.

ARCHIE: Ah,
this is awful! Ow!

What's he doing
up there?

I think he's trying to get
his th shave out of
the same blade.

[ARCHIE MOANS LOUDLY]

Guess he didn't make it.

Where did Sybil Gooley
take Joey, Ma?

That saloon.

The saloon?

I hate that place.

She took Joey
to Kelcy's?

Who took Joey
to Kelcy's?

Sybil Gooley?

Sybil Gooley took Joey
to Kelcy's bar?

Well, that's what
you just said!

I told her to take him
to the park!

Why would she do
a thing like that?

Hold it! Hold it!
Hold it! Hold it!

She took him
to the park.

Are you sure?

Well, that's where
Ma told her to take him.

You just got each other
all mixed up here.

Ma, Ma, what is
the matter with you?

Well, I want to know
how Archie got $ ,

to buy Kelcy's bar!

I mean, he couldn't
mortgage the house
without me signing.

He must've borrowed
from his friends.

What friends?

Daddy has dozens
of friends--

Hank, Pinky, Barney.

Any one of them
would have to give
an IOU to a mugger!

Maybe he borrowed
on his GI insurance.

Oh, he couldn't do that.
He didn't keep it up.

Why not?

He said that if he d*ed,

he didn't want me to be
stuck with the premiums.

I hope he didn't go
to a shark.

A shark!

You know, Ma,
a loan shark.

One of these guys.

ARCHIE: Edith!

- You ask him.
- Okay.

Edith, will ya look
at me standing here?

Will you look at
that poor face on me here?

How many times
have I begged you
on hands and knees,

never use my razor?

Did you go
to a loan shark?

Can't you say
hello first?

Hello. Did you go
to a loan shark?

Hello. None of
your damn business.

Archie,
I'd like to know.

- Yeah, Daddy.
- All right, wait--

Now, wait a minute!
Listen to me,
all of youse.

I done a hard day's
work yesterday, right?

I drove a cab
until midnight.

From midnight
till a.m.,

I'm down at my new saloon
going over the inventory.

I'm in no mood
to play questions
with nobody.

Did you go to a loan shark?

I already told you,
I went to the bank.

Why would a bank
lend you $ , ?

'Cause without
toilet paper all over it,

I got an honest face.

What did you use
for collateral?

"Collateral"!
That's an awful big word
for a little girl.

Come on! What'd you
put up for security?

I put up
you and Joey!

I'm gonna find out
what you used
for collateral!

Oh, he's biting
my hand!

[ALL YELLING]

Would you cut it out?

What's the matter
with you?

Since she's years old,

she's been doing that
to my fingers.

She does it to my toes.

How did you
get that loan?

Michael says
there's no way--

"Michael says,
Michael says,
Michael says."

It's a wonder a guy
who's always got
his mouth so full

can squeeze out
so many words
between the food.

That's so funny.
That is so funny.

He's doing it
for us there!

Could you swallow,
honey.

All I know

is there is something rotten
in the state of Denmark.

Ah, listen to
the big professor!

Denmark
ain't no state, buddy,

it's the capital
of Colorado, all right?

Daddy!

Aahhh!

Stuck a cotton-pickin' fork
into my finger here!

I want to see
that loan agreement!

You ain't got no right
to see nothin'!

Your mother's got a right
to see the loan agreement,

but she don't wanna see it

because she trusts
her husband, right?

- Yes, I do.
- Huh huh huh!

I mean I do wanna see
the loan agreement!

Huh huh huh!

Well, you ain't
gonna see it!

I don't carry important
documents around on me.

- Where is it?
- I lost it.

You lost an important
document like that?

Well, how do you know
I didn't put it
into a strongbox?

You don't have
a strongbox.

We've got a cigar box.

And a damn strong one!

I'll go get it!

No, wait!
Wait, wait, wait!

Stop, stop, stop, Edith!

I didn't say
I put it up there, did I?

Archie, you're acting like
you done something wrong.

Edith, Edith,
there ain't nothin' wrong.

I swear
on my mother's life.

Your mother is dead.

I swear on her grave,
then.

She was cremated.

All right, Edith,

I swear on her jar,
for God's sakes!

You know as much
about that loan
as you need to know.

It's a $ , loan,

at eight and a half
percent interest
"piranha."

Sounds an awful lot
like a mortgage to me.

Ah...
[BLOWS RASPBERRY]
...to you!

Do you
have to do that?

It's such
a no-class thing.

[BLOWS RASPBERRY]

I don't understand it.

You couldn't possibly
have gotten a mortgage

unless somehow
you got Ma's signature

on a piece of...
paper...

What the hell
you staring at?

Don't you give me
the finger there!

Eat, eat, eat,
eat, eat!

Michael,
are you suggesting

that Daddy forged
Ma's signature?

Oh, Archie
would never do that!

Shut up!
Shut up! Shut up!

I want to see that paper.

I want you to go home
and clean your room.

Gloria, maybe
we'd better go.

I have classes today.

On Saturday?

Yeah, Saturday classes,
honey. Come on.

Ma, thanks a lot
for the breakfast.

I won't forget
you bit me.

Don't come back.

Archie!

Edith, I only got
one thing to say

before I gotta get
down to work at the saloon.

Now, them two young people,

they got their own home
right across the alley there,

and I think it's a damn shame

every Saturday morning
they hang their noses
out the window,

and they smell you
making the pancakes,

and they trot over here

with their tongues
hanging out like
a couple of dogs.

Now, that ain't right!

I ask you, don't you
agree with me?
Yes or no?

Did you sign my name?

You didn't answer
my question, Edith.

Did you?

Edith, that ain't
an important question
at this time.

Archie!

How could you do that?

Now, take it easy, Edith.

Now, don't get yourself
all excited,

'cause I want to remind you,

the loan agreement
was there in front of us,

and you run away from me--

you leave me
with the pen in my hand.

Now, my signature
was already on there,

so there wasn't
any sense in putting it
on there again, right?

The line called
for your signature,

Edith Bunker, see?

And, uh, there was
nobody else around
to sign it,

so, uh...

ipso "fatso"...

All I done was take
an old check from the drawer

with your signature
on it there

and I brung it over here
and I traced the thing.

That's forgery!

No, it's tracery.

You signed my name!

I had to do it.

You signed away
my half of this house!

Oh, gee, Edith,
I knew it would make you
happy in the years to come.

Edith, listen to me--

- Don't call me Edith!
- Why not?

There ain't no more Edith.

I mean, you signed
my name away!

Oh, come on, will you?

Edith ain't nowhere!

What are you
talking about?

What is it--?

What are you talking about,
your name?

Like the guy says,

"A rose by any other name,

still, it needs water."

You took my name!

Edith, Edith,
this never woulda happened

if you'd-a stood
by me out there.

And y-you run away.

Now, listen, Edith,
I didn't do it just for me.
I done it for you too.

What do you want to be
the rest of your life,
a nobody little housewife?

I'm raising you up
in society.

You'll be the wife
of a saloon keeper
there, Edith!

You know, we're gonna
do great things.

We're gonna bring help
into the house for you--

a brand-new
vacuum cleaner, Edith,

with all the latest
attractions there--

you know, a long pipe
that sucks the drapes
and everything.

Edith, come on.

This is gonna mean
money to us.

We'll be able to leave
a little dough

to our grandchild.

Poor Joey!

His grandfather
is a forger!

A tracer, I told you,
a tracer!

Well, I ain't
gonna stay here

and have you
hurt my feelings.

I got work to do
down at my saloon.

Well, you'd better go
down to your saloon

and tell 'em down there

that your wife
is married to a forger,

and that your daughter
has a father for a forger,

and your son-in-law's
father-in-law's a forger!

Let me tell you
one thing, Edith Bunker!

If you ain't got
no concern

for the next ,
years of your life,

you ought to thank God that
you have a husband who has!

You ain't got no right
to worry about my life
in the next years!

I'll do that!

Well, when are you
gonna do it?

I don't know,

but I'll work that out
myself, thank you.

And wait a minute!

You'd better figure out
how you're gonna get

my half of this house back!

Aww!

Wait a minute! I think--

I--I think you got
one hell of a nerve!

[CLEARS THROAT]

Oh! Oh! Oh, hi, Mike.

Oh, what did you say?

I said...
[CLEARS THROAT]

Oh, that's nice.

Ma.

You all right?

[SHAKEN]
Yeah.

You want some cake?

No, thanks, Ma.

Are you all right?

Ma, what's the matter?

He forged my name.

I've been married
to Archie for years.

I never thought he'd do
a thing like that.

What are you gonna do, Ma?

You gonna throw him
in jail?

Oh, no,
I couldn't do that.

Then you're gonna have
to learn to live with it.

I don't know how.

Ma...

Archie must have
wanted that bar
awfully bad

to do a terrible thing
like he did, right?

Yeah.

Remember what you
once said to me
in this kitchen?

You told me
that the only reason

that Archie got mad
at me all the time

was because he was jealous

of the fact that I had
all the opportunities
that he never had.

He resented me because...

he never had a chance
to better himself.

Well, now he's got
that chance, Ma.

In Archie's mind,

it's--it's a chance
for him to be somebody,

and, uh, I don't think you can
take that away from him.

But what if he
don't make a go of it?

Then he's gonna need
your support more than ever.

But who knows?
Maybe he will.

It could be a success.

Miracles can happen, Ma.

Remember, the Mets
won the World Series in .

Oh, it's just like
my cousin Mildred,

from Bay Ridge.

See, she was married
to Mr. Brown,

and Mr. Brown had a dream.

See, he always wanted
a used car lot,

'cause he wanted to wear
a coonskin cap

and do
television commercials.

And they did it!

Him and Mildred
mortgaged their house,

and they opened
a used car lot.

And there he was on TV,

wiping the prices
off the windshields

and hollering,
"No cash down
with Coonskin Brown."

See? And he made
a fortune, right?

No, he went broke.

But still,
he had his dream.

Oh, Mike.

Thank you!

You know something, Ma?

What?

I'd like
some of that cake.

Oh, yeah!

Six Cutty,
six Fleischmann's, Arch.

A case of Ambassador.

Arch.

Six V.O.,
six Fleischmann's,
a case of Ambassador.

Archie!

I heard ya.

Hey, Carlos,

go--go on back down.

I'll be with ya
in a couple of minutes.

All right, Harry.

What's the matter, Arch?
Ain't ya feelin' good?

Ahh, it ain't me.
It's Edith.

What, she sick?

Yes, she's sick--
of me.

Oh. Her too, huh?

Ha ha ha ha ha.

Step away from me,
will ya, barkeep?

And when you're over there,
get me a bourbon.

- Comin' up.
- Come to think of it...

...it's the first time
I ever ordered a drink in here

I didn't have to reach
in my own pocket and pay.

You're the boss.

'Course, you could
leave a gratuity.

I ain't leavin' nothin',
not even a tip.

Uh, Arch, I'm, uh--

I'm gonna go on down
and, uh,

help Carlos check out
the rest of the cases, huh?

Eh, go ahead.

Are ya open for business?

Well, no, we ain't.

Well, uh...

uh...I mean--
I mean, we could
be open, you know?

Uh, I'm the boss,
and what I say goes.

Yeah, yeah, we're, uh--

we're open
for business here.

What'll it be there,
good-lookin'?

Lemonade.

It ain't
a health-food bar, Edith.

Can't you order something
with a little pazazz?

Beer?

Yeah!
Yeah, a beer!

Park ya carcass
there on the stool.

Yeah, be right
with ya there.

Well, it's nice
to see you drinkin'
so early in the mornin'.

No, never reach,
never reach, Edith.

Wait'll the bartender
puts up

one of these little
doilies for you. See?

First thing
that goes up there
is the peanuts,

and then a couple
of nappies for you
there, see?

Oh! You did that
so nice!

I did?

Listen, I can really be

a success
in this business, Edith.

I mean it, now.

See, all I need to be
is a great host,

and all I need to be
for that

is just as gracious

as ever I was
in our own home.

Whaddya gotta do for that?
Lemme show ya.

First of all,

people come
in the front door,

you don't stand
behind the bar
like a lump.

Ya hop out
from behind the bar,

big smile on the face,

and greet the people
at the door.

Step right in,
ladies and gents!

What is it you want?
A table for four?

Well, it just so happens
we have one free
right over here.

Be seated.

Oh, no, sir,
you don't give me a tip.

You're lookin' at
the "entre-manure" here, huh?

Yes, madam, sit down.

Then you seat
the lady, you know?

Ya slip the chair
under her there.

May I take your coat,
madam?

No, you don't
have to rise

to have your coat
taken.

I can take
the coat off a lady

while she's sittin' down.

Don't worry
about your garment, madam.

We watch everything here.

Edith, look who's
comin' in the door!

W-who?

Hank, Pinky, and Barney,
they're coming in.

They're big drinkers.

Come on, boys,
belly up to the bar.

Get your money out.

See? That's the way
you do it.

See what's goin' on
in that corner over there?

Oh... no.

There's a man
gropin' a lady.

Oh, Archie!

He didn't even
bring her in here, see?

He's an "interlooper."

Hey, buddy over there!

Take your hands
off the lady!

She didn't come in here
to get picked up.

She's just a friendly
little dignified
neighborhood lush.

Oh, Archie.

Ya gotta handle all kinds
of situations there.

Edith...

I'm gonna be so happy
here in my own business.

Oh, Archie,
I've been thinkin'...

Please don't do
no more of that!

I think that
I was too tough on ya,

and I'm sorry.

And you forgive me?

Oh, of course, Archie.

Will you forgive me?

Oh, Edith,
you didn't do nothin'
that I gotta forgive.

All that who-ha
back at the house--
that was all my fault.

Oh, no, it was my fault
for not helpin' you
with your dream.

It was my fault
for gamblin' everything we had

and didn't even give you
a shake of the dice.

No, it was my fault
for not understandin'.

It was my fault
for forging your name!

Yeah, that was your fault.

Ya have to fling that
back in my face?

Jeez, Edith,
you always do this!

The first minute
we get something
beautiful goin',

you got a way
of sayin' things

that just--I dunno--

that just breaks
the whole "spill,"
ya know?

Oh, I'm sorry, Archie.

I--I won't mention it
again.

- Never no more, huh?
- No, never.

I promise never
to mention again
that ya forged my name.

Archie, remember
my cousin Mildred?

With the one eye?

No, no, that was
Myrtle in Cincinnati.

This is Mildred,
from Bay Ridge.

Aw, yeah, yeah.

Well, she was married
to a Mr. Brown.

Yeah, the guy that
fell off of the roof.

Yeah, and he couldn't
remember nobody

in his family no more.

Well, see,
Mr. Brown had a dream.

He wanted to open
a used car lot, remember?

And go on TV and do
commercials, remember?

I remember it.

And he was hollerin',
"No cash down...

BOTH:
...with Coonskin Brown."

Well, Archie,
you're just like him.

Whaddya mean I'm like him?
The man went out of business!

But, see, he had a dream!

I remember his dream.

He said that
Eleanor Roosevelt
was his mother!

But she didn't know
nothin' about that.

See, Archie,

like Mildred
helped Coonskin Brown,

no matter what happens,

I want to help you
make your dream come true.

That's what I need--
more of that.

You know something, Edith?

Even though the years
have went by,

you still got the lips.

Oh, Archie!

Oh, I'm gonna be
so proud of ya!

And this is gonna be
a beautiful saloon!

And you're gonna be
the host with the most!

Oh, you said it, Edith!

And I can't tell ya
the way I feel

standing in the middle
of my own saloon,
my own business here!

I got all kinds of
plans for this joint,
plans of my own!

All my own ideas!
Wait'll you hear, Edith.

Maybe we can get matching
tablecloths and napkins,

and we can redecorate
the powder room!

Yeah, get plenty
of powder in there,
'cause it stinks!

Yeah!

Oh, and I'll take down
them fightin' pictures

and we'll put up
George and Martha
Washington.

Oh, no, no, no, no.

Gee, no, don't put
George and Martha up.

I mean, pictures
of George and Martha,

they always look like
they don't want
nobody to drink.

Well, maybe little animals,
like squirrels and birds.

Don't do that.

Some of our customers,
they get drinkin',

they get awful scared
of little animals.

- Well, kittens and dogs.
- No, no, no, Edith.

Edith! No, Edith,
leave all the artwork--!

Curtains on the door
and on the window!

No, no curtains, Edith.

We ain't runnin'
an ice cream parlor here.

Oh, and we'll get rid
of the pinball machine,

'cause that's gamblin'.

Edith, Edith, you get rid
of the pinball machine,

and a guy who smells
like garlic

will come around,
kiss me on both cheeks,

and put a hole
in my head.

We can get new barstools!

Don't do nothin'!
No, Edith! No, hey!

Now, cut it out, now!

That's enough, Edith!

Now, I don't wanna
hear no more!

This is my bar.

I'm the boss of this bar,
and I'm the boss,

and I'm the guy
that says what goes!

But you made me a partner!

When did I do that?

When you forged my name
on the loan agreement!

Oh! Look at that!

♪
♪ ♪

ROB REINER:
All in the Family
was recorded on tape

before a live audience.